Worst gift: At our wedding
reception, DH's side of the family gave us gifts (checks) made out
to my husband only! It was as if they were saying that he
was not married. We were married a few years, and never got
a card or gift from my MIL. This year I got a birthday card
and a call from her on my birthday (we weren't home). MIL
left a message on our machine that she had a gift for our cat, but
I didn't get a gift! Here is one more: We took MIL out
for a semi Christmas dinner and my husband went to the men's room.
MIL started to ask me about my husband's ex girlfriend. "Where
does she live now?" DH and I knew because we help out
in a food pantry and the ex came in. So, after we ate dinner
and left, I drove up to my husband's ex girlfriend's house to show
my MIL her house. MIL sat in the back of our car and said
nothing! My husband said, "Mom, I have what I want now."
Signed - Proud One
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I have been married for
23 years. We have three children who are now in their 20's,
and one ready to graduate. My MIL has never been around much,
but seems to always cause problems, nonetheless. For the first
18 years (I can't even believe that I tried for that long), I would
take the kids over to swim in their pool. She was almost never
there. I asked her to go places with me, but she was always
too "busy". When she was sick or when she lost her
husband, I would cook her dinners. When she would go on vacations,
the children and I would put welcome home banners up to surprise them.
I would tell her own son to give her a hug or to go visit, etc.
Not anymore! This woman has never cooked a meal during my illnesses,
nor has she tried to form a relationship with me, ever! She
has left with friends when we were over her house visiting, has said
hurtful things to me, and made me feel out of place and unwelcome.
But, of course, she never does it in front of anyone. She is
too smart for that. She has to top anything that anyone has
done, accomplished or seen.! She does everything better than
anyone else. She works harder, too. Not! She manipulates
every situation. She hears, but doesn't listen. She claims
to be a "strong" person. But, when it suits her, she
can turn on the tears and play the victim. My DH and I decided
that I would be a SAHM. For 15 years I did that. She told
people that I never contributed to the family. I did, not that
it was her business! She thinks DH does everything and that
I sat at home eating bonbons. During those 15 years, she probably
called me 5 times, knowing that I was home. She missed out on
so many things - her choice! She just recently told DH that
the reason she doesn't call is because, when she does, he has he!!
to pay with me. The reason that I get mad is because she doesn't
call to see how we are or to just to say hi. She only calls
when she needs a favor from DH (heavy lifting, fix something, do her
honey-do list). I swear, it's like she's mad that he's married
to me, and not her!! She's just weird! For the last 6
years, I have worked part time, but she recognizes nothing good that
I do. By the way, my children are wonderful, loving adults whom
we see and spend a lot of time with. I think that she is jealous
because she has always put friends first and family 5th on her list,
maybe even 6th or 7th! She also has said that her family doesn't
have love like other families. Well, you get what you put into
it!! Her children don't have a nice, loving relationship with
each other. The parents always butted them against each other.
I could go on and on with stories that would make your hair curl,
but I will only tell the most recent. Two months ago was my
DH's birthday, and I decided to take him on an overnight golf trip.
It was the first time that I ever did this in 23 years of marriage.
MIL called the day before and wanted to know what he wanted for his
birthday. I gave her a couple of ideas, and she complained that
she didn't have time to go shopping, and that she didn't know where
to buy the golf balls that he wanted!! Maybe she could have
called earlier and tried a sporting goods store. She is not
stupid, but she plays the part when it might benefit her. She
then said that she would give him the golf balls that she bought 5
years ago that she had purchased for her husband just before he passed
away!! Then, she wanted to get together, but she had more excuses
as to why she couldn't make it, and I told her that we would be out
of town for the weekend golfing. She didn't say, "have
fun", "drive safe", "Oh, how nice. He will
like that." No! No! No! Not my MIL.
She said, "Well, are you going to golf, too, so he doesn't have
to golf by himself?!!!!" I suggested that we get together
next week. She said, "Whatever. Good-bye."
Fifteen minutes later, she dropped off the gift in the garage and
left. That's smart thinking - to drop it off . . . don't get
together next week . . . don't get to see DH!! She left a card with
a not-so-nice note about how she couldn't see him on his birthday,
because I said that we were busy all weekend, and there was a check,
the 5 year old golf balls, soap that she bought from a grandchild
during a fund-raiser, and a can of peanuts! This would have
all been fine, but I know that it was stuff that she had laying around
her house and she put no thought into a gift. Oh, by the way,
they share a birthday. Isn't that special! Also, she has
been out of town for several past birthdays. I guess that she
thinks it's okay for her to do it, but no one else!! She lives
by her own rules and they change to suit her. The following
week my husband and I were fighting. She called and hung up
on her grandchild, and she hung up on me twice! I was p.o.'d.
So, I went to see her. Every time I said something that was
not flattering to her (that was the truth), she began screaming, calling
me names, and cussing me out. I never once called her a name
or cussed at her. After I had taken 15 minutes of her verbal
abuse, I did call her one name as I left her front door. I came
home and told DH. It took him awhile to come to grips with what
had happened, because DH has never seen her in a bad light.
She had everyone fooled, because there are two sides to her, and most
people don't see the side that she shows me. Three weeks later,
DH went to talk to her. It has been two months and she has yet
to apologize to my child or me. At this point, I do not want
an apology from her. I do not want anything from her.
I have decided that I do not need toxic people who have no remorse
for the negative things that they do and the hurtful things that they
say in my life, and I will never understand how a grandma can treat
a grandchild like that!!! In closing, I have a final thought.
There is one thing that I can truly thank her for. She has shown
me how never to act to any of my IL-children. I have a DIL right
now and I love her like my own. I raised my son to grow and
to put his wife first. From the date of my children's birth,
they have always been only on "loan" to me. That is
something that she never learned. My DIL is wonderful and beautiful.
She is a precious gift to my son and our family. I love her
like my daughter and would never hurt her. She makes my son
happy and my son makes her happy, and that is what matters.
I am in my 40's, as is DH. MIL needs to get over it. For
as much as she interferes in what is none of her business, in the
end she loses the most, not me. She has lost a DIL and grandchildren
who would have given her a lot of happiness. Maybe she finds
her happiness in friends and material things. I choose to find
my happiness within my family. A family that has no room for
someone like her.
Signed - FINALLY FREE!
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
MIL keeps going on, saying
this (no joke, 9 times within 15 minutes), "No matter how many
children he (my husband) has, none of them will be as much like him
as this one right here (his niece)." The woman keeps repeating
it.
Signed - She Needs A Serious
Hobby
RESPONSE: She Needs A Serious Hobby
That's weird. Is she trying to imply that he fathered his niece?
RESPONSE: She Needs A Serious Hobby
It is very annoying when someone repeats themselves over and over.
Perhaps you could all join in and chant along with her next time she
starts saying it. You might also want to suggest that she has a medical
checkup. Repeating the same thing over and over may possibly be a
sign of approaching senility
RESPONSE: She Needs A Serious Hobby
She doesn't need a hobby, she needs a lobotomy! How can a niece be
more like your DH than his own son(s)??????????????!!!!!!!! I would
look at her and ask if she were casting doubt on the parentage of
the niece. But, watch out, that could backfire on you if she were
to twist it around.
RESPONSE: She Needs A Serious Hobby
She may need validation that you heard her annoying comment. Next
time she says that, respond with something like, "Yes, we hear
you," all with a big smile, or, better yet, a laugh. You could
also state, again with a big laugh, "Wow, maybe she was born
to the wrong family." My mother is like this. But, you know,
nieces and nephews tend to be more like their aunts/uncles than their
own parents sometimes. I am more like my aunt than my mother, and
my cousin is more like my mother than her mother (my aunt).
DH and I have been married
for two years now. We dated for approximately 5 years before
marriage. It was a 2nd marriage for both. He had two kids
from a previous marriage, and I had 3. My husband is the baby
of the family. I don't know what to do. My MIL is so very
abusive to my children, in many different ways, but not to my husband's
children. Even after my husband talked to her, MIL continues
to make my children feel less important. At holidays and birthdays
she always buys my husband's two kids more, and my kids see it.
It hurts me to see them hurt. I recently found out that my MIL
has been known to treat grandkids, that aren't blood, this way in
the past. What do I do to protect my kids and make them feel
important, without making my husband's kids feel bad while in my care,
since I have them 24/7 (except every other weekend when they go to
their mom's). I recently had to change the locks on my home
because I found out that she was coming into my home while we were
gone, and I am very insecure about what it is that she is doing in
my home. I found out that she has taken some of our mail, and,
for some reason, she doesn't give it to us. These are items
that were addressed to my husband, me, or any one of our 5 kids.
I have also found out that she has yelled at my son for having some
of my husband's son's clothes in his dresser. And, because of
that, she took some of my son's clothes and threw them out in the
trash. My son and my stepson wear the same size clothing, and
I am not sure what to do. I am so lost, and I feel so helpless
with her, that now I have told my husband that she will no longer
be welcomed into my home unless he is home. And, while she is
over, I will take my kids and myself and go out or downstairs.
I can't stand to be around her. Please, do you have any advice
to help me? I know that my husband is really getting tired of
hearing the same old stories, and he won't talk to his mom anymore
about these problems because it won't do any good. It might
make things worse. There are so many other problems that I have
with her, but the most important one is my children, and it always
will be. WHAT CAN I DO?
Signed - LOSING CONTROL
OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
First, it's sad that she doesn't treat your children the same as her
own grandchildren, but what can you expect? She's not their grandmother.
She's the type of person who will only open up her heart to those
who are actually related to her. And, you can't force her to do it.
Let that one go. But, as for her being abusive towards them, YOU
need to stand up to her about that. The children look to you for
protection. If your spineless DH isn't going to do it, then you need
to take the reins and defend them. Shame on DH, though, for allowing
this type of behavior. By all means, avoid this woman. It's for
your and your children's protection. BUT, you need to get DH to realize
that it's his responsibility to be the MAN in this relationship and
to defend his family, which includes you and your children.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
Well, I think that the only way to solve this is to make sure that
either she treats all the kids equally, or she does not get involved
with any of them. She is winning if she gets to see only the "real"
grandchildren without you and your kids present. I would suggest
that you make a house rule - if your kids don't get equal presents,
then nobody gets presents. Just return all of the presents. If you
feel like you have to leave, take all 5 kids with you. Make sure
that you and DH are on the same page, and then explain the rules to
the kids. Make sure that they understand why you are doing this.
I hope that this helps.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
Taking someone else's mail is a Federal crime. If she gets too much
to deal with, take that as a lead. Jail time might cool her off a
little bit (and teach her not to mess with you).
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
Why should you expect her to treat your children the same as her grandchildren?
They aren't. Just tell your kids, "Hey, she isn't your real
grandmother. Don't worry about it. She's the loser, not you."
Kids aren't stupid. You didn't say your children's ages, so I don't
know how much they understand. But, they will understand what you
teach them, so quit making a big deal out of it. I will say that
throwing your son's clothes out is unacceptable. Do the boys share
a room? What was she doing in your son's chest of drawers? Tell
her that if she's ever in your home, she should stay out of the kids'
rooms. I doubt if she wants any kids in her bedroom when the family
is over.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
Get a PO Box, cut her off, and tell DH that it is you or her. She
cannot treat your kids badly, and DH needs to know it. If he will
not comply, take your kids and leave him.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
You made a good start with changing the locks. Make sure that she
doesn't get the key. Does DH see that she is unfair? If so, then
HE needs to take this one on. How old are the kids? If they are
older children, then they can ignore her gifts. If they are younger
children, then she needs to drop the gifts off ahead of time so your
DH can redistribute them. She's evil, and needs to be stopped.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
DH needs to put his mother in her place. How dare she come into YOUR
home, snoop through YOUR things, and abuse your children like that.
I think that you have every right to tell your DH that his mother
is not welcome in your home. Period. She has no respect for you,
and is cruel and abusive to your children. When your DH married you,
you and your children became his priority over his mother. It seems
that your DH finds you suitable enough to raise his children. Well,
he needs to defend your children as if they were his own. It works
both ways. I think that the problem here is more that your DH won't
act like a man, with a family of his own. It's time he told mommie
dearest where to go.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
You can start with NOT welcoming her into your home. It is your and
your kids' home too, why should she be welcomed there when she treats
you so horribly? The next time she enters your house without your
knowledge, call the police. Talk to you postmaster about the theft
of the mail. If your spineless DH insists on keeping her poison in
your lives, then let him go to her house to visit.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
Your DH must step up to the plate and let his mommy know to butt out
of your lives. DH should be putting his wife and children FIRST!
"I know that my husband is really getting tired of hearing the
same old stories, and he won't talk to his mom anymore about these
problems because it won't do any good." Mommy needs an ultimatum
- to shape up or get lost. Your children and your marriage are far
more important than her feelings! If talking to her doesn't do any
good, your decision to not submit yourself or the children to her
presence is smart.
RESPONSE: LOSING CONTROL OF MY FAMILY THAT I LOVE!!!
Your DH says that he can't do anything about it!? Bull! He most
certainly can do something about it. He can never see her again.
I applaud how you handled yourself. It is a good idea that whenever
she comes over, you can take the kids and leave. I would do the same
thing if in your situation. Also, kudos for changing the locks.
You are awesome, and deserve more respect than that. Tell DH that
he does not see how he is breaking up his family. If he is a Christian,
read him the passage in Genesis about when a man marries, he forsakes
all others (including mommy dearest), and that his wife and children
are his FIRST and ONLY priority. If he was any sort of man, he will
change.
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