Frequent
Fry Her TM
- noruby4me /Posted: 16-OCT-03
I am writing this on our 14th wedding anniversary!
We have made it through three very hard years that have tested our
marriage beyond anything that I could have imagined. Nor did
I think that it could survive this. Here it is, though, marked
by the series of Frequent Fry-Her stories that I've posted at this
web site over the past many months. There were many times
when it was not clear that DH and I would be together to celebrate
this day, but we are, and I am SO glad! DH has been steadily
employed for many months now. After selling our house, we
have paid off most of our debt and are financially stable for the
first time in years. Though I am sad to have lost my pretty
house, we are living in a nice rental house in the same town.
It is spacious and comfortable, and we have made it our home.
DH has worked very hard to go from being a partner who seemed distant
and unconnected with our family life, to one who not only shares
the work and responsibilities of our life together, but does so
willingly, pleasantly and sincerely. He is an amazing testament
to the fact that people CAN change some things about themselves
if they really, really work at it and WANT to change. I, too,
have changed. I'm learning how to express my wants, needs
and disappointments openly and honestly, gently, constructively
and without anger, criticism and destructive words. There
were many times in these past three years when it seemed that it
would be impossible for us to see this day together. I think
that both of us just kept believing that we could do better with
each other, and so we could never quite give up. Of course,
a driving force has been our daughter. We both wanted to do
anything and everything positive within our power to keep our family
together for her sake. She loves us both so much, as we do
her, and having her live apart from one of us would have broken
all of our hearts because it would have broken hers. I hope
that, despite the fact that our DD has seen us struggling and making
mistakes, that from this she has learned that it's OK not to be
perfect (we are only human, after all), it's OK for a marriage not
to be perfect, and ultimately, that there are very few problems
that you can have, or mistakes that you can make in life, that can't
be overcome if you really work at it. I hope that she has
learned that a woman, who is a wife and a mother, is still a person,
and that her needs are as important as those of the family she tends
to and loves so much. I hope that she has learned that respect
and compassion are the key to any enduring, successful relationship,
whether it's between a husband and wife, siblings, cousins, friends,
or any people, and that it is OK to ask for the respect and compassion
you deserve. I am also glad that my cousin, who lives with
us, has seen the flip side of the coin. Her parents didn't
make it, and I think it was good for her to see that sometimes a
troubled marriage can survive, that a husband can learn to be a
fair contributor in the home, and that couples and families can
overcome dysfunction and work at making their relationships better
and healthier if they really try. I feel very fortunate (and
a little proud) today to be celebrating my 14th anniversary - happy
anniversary to us, and I hope that there will be many more!
And, thanks to the women here who have offered encouraging, positive
words. They mattered.
Signed - Feeling Very
Fortunate
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Worst gift: While we
were at a restaurant with the family, my MIL presented me with a gift
that was wrapped in tissue. To my horror, the package contained
THONG underwear. She thought that her son would enjoy them!
Signed - Stuck with HER
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
FIL said that he wanted
his darling GS to visit him at the condo. He said that he would
pay for the airfare (and he MADE A HUGE DEAL OVER it). GS went.
He was 19, in college, and wanted to meet babes. Grandpa dictated
his every move. DS called after 10 hours and said, "I am
ready to come home." He shortened his stay, was freakin'
miserable and gramps still hasn't reimbursed me for airfare.
My son's experience was grandpa forcing him to go to beach, sitting
with the 80 year olds ,and then driving 4 hours back and forth to
find a meal for under 7-8 bucks per person. And MIL wondered
why he didn't want to go to the beach after the first day.
Signed - Sitting With The
80 Year Olds
RESPONSE: Sitting With The 80 Year Olds
Bet GS avoids GF until his funeral!
RESPONSE: Sitting With The 80 Year Olds
It sounds like your son was only interested in a free trip to meet
babes. And, it sounds like his grandfather wanted to spend some time
with his grandson, and show him off to his friends. Gee, I would
give my right arm to still have a grandfather who wanted to spend
time with me. Both of mine are dead, and how I miss them. Your son
sounds like a spoiled brat, and you did a great job of spoiling him.
RESPONSE: Sitting With The 80 Year Olds
Maybe your 19 year old should have some respect for his grandparents.
They asked him to visit them, not the babes on the beach. When I
go to visit my grandparents, I go to see them. I don't go for a free
trip to do whatever I please and not visit with grandparents who love
me.
RESPONSE: Sitting With The 80 Year Olds
I think that you and your son are both ungrateful people. His GF
wanted to spend time with him, perhaps (for some unknown reason) he
was proud of the boy and wanted his friends to meet him. And, why
should GF reimburse the expense of a plane ticket when you condoned
your son's rude behavior. People don't live forever, and if your
son should ever have the maturity to recognize that fact, it may be
too late. He wanted to meet babes. You are selfish people.
RESPONSE: Sitting With The 80 Year Olds
Geez, you should have taught your son manners. Your son shouldn't
accept an invitation to visit GF and expect to spend his time checking
out "babes" (and if you've taught your son to refer to women
as babes, you've been lax in your job of teaching him how to properly
treat women). His poor GF is probably devastated. He wanted to spend
quality time with his grandson. Considering GS is 19, GF probably
isn't going to be around in this world much longer. Shame on you
for raising such a self-centered, brat of a son. At 19 years old
he should know a he!! of a lot better, and be grateful to spend time
with his grandfather regardless of how badly gravity has taken a toll
on the women in his vicinity. I'm so disgusted.
RESPONSE: Sitting With The 80 Year Olds
I went to go stay with my GM, too, when I was 18 and a senior in HS.
My car had died, so I rode to school with a friend. But, my parents
were going out of town, and they thought that maybe it would be a
good idea for me to just stay with my GM because she lived right next
to the school, and I wouldn't be home alone at night in an empty house.
Everything was ok at first, and I really didn't mind till she started
treating me like a 3rd grader. She demanded that I come straight
back to her house after school, where I was dragged to her 80 year
old friends' homes, and had to listen to her rant about how awful
my generation was. She wouldn't allow me to see my boyfriend, who
usually drove me home. And, I usually went out with on weekends,
but noooo, this wasn't happening. She claimed that he was LUSTFUL,
because he gave me a respectful peck on the cheek as GM watched like
a hawk from the window. So, I figured that I could always have one
of my girlfriends over, or at least talk on the phone. NOPE!!! When
I got a call, she sat right next to me asking out loud what we were
talking about. And, she eventually would grab the phone and slam
it down on my innocent friend. We went to a movie that following
weekend, and all my friends, including BF were there. When I said
hey to them, they got really excited because some of them thought
that I had died, because I was with jail keeper GM. Before I could
say anything, GM became heated, because I wasn't sticking by her side,
and basically not behaving like a young lady (basically not acting
like I stepped out of the 1950's). During the movie, my GM proceeded
to talk really loudly, saying that she didn't like one of the actors
due to something that the actor did in his real life, as if she knew
him personally. The entire theater could hear her, and when I shrunk
into my chair out of embarrassment, she spoke even louder saying,"
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? THAT YOUR HOODLUM FRIENDS ARE GOING TO HEAR?"
I didn't say anything. I just whispered, "No," and faced
forward. We drove miles to go to some really cheap, cr@ppy restaurant,
all the while listening to her rant about her basically knowing everything.
We did actually go to one restaurant that I liked, but she decided
that it wasn't up to her standards and proceeded to complain about
everything. She made a huge scene, and demanded that we go in the
middle of the meal that I was finally enjoying. I went to the store
with her to help her do some shopping. We were standing in line,
about to check stuff out, when a really handsome guy was behind us.
She started to get really loud again, which made me get embarrassed
and clam up. When she saw my anguish, she said, "WHAT? AM I
EMBARRASSING YOU IN FRONT OF THE GUY STANDING BEHIND US? IS THAT
WHAT IT IS? Later that day, GM and GP decided to have it out with
each other on the front lawn, and I got in between them, trying to
separate them. It was no use. I got so pissed off, not at them,
but at my parents for thinking that this was a good idea and that
they knew what kind of woman she was. I just don't think that they
thought it would go this far. I ran inside, called my friend, and
told her to come get me. I grabbed a couple of things, ran out the
back door, and plain out escaped the horror called "grandma's
house". As I ran to the school where my friend was to meet me,
I was in tears. I called my parents from friend's house. My mother
thought that it was hysterical, and she made me laugh at the entire
thing. She was also mad about how badly GM behaved with the fight,
and she already was aware of her making a scene. She just didn't
think that she would behave like that with me. The thing that makes
me mad about the entire thing is that GM must really have thought
that I was a bad kid, and she was going to straighten me out.
It's 1:44 AM, and I've been
burning inside all day (and, for the past 5 years) about my MIL.
I am almost 7 months pregnant with twins, and my MIL and MIL's mother
live with me and DH. It has been HELL living with my MIL.
MIL's mother is good and not intrusive in our lives, but MIL is like
a shadow that NEVER goes away. She's constantly looking over
my shoulder to check on whether I am doing the right thing based on
her cultural values. And, she constantly babies my husband,
even though he doesn't really support her views. But, still
he doesn't want to hurt her. She had a very rough adult life
with her husband and PIL's. For over 20 years she has been without
her husband, so her children are always trying to reassure her that
she is loved. But, I believe with every bone in my body, that
she thrives on unhappiness in her life and that of others. She
favors my husband the most, because he is the most successful and
the handsomest of the 4 siblings. She favors her daughter because
she thinks that she trained her well. I and my eldest SIL are
the outsiders. I was born and raised Canadian, with very different
views and thoughts. My partner and I are 50/50, and we do things
for each other because we love each other and respect each other's
personalities, characters and differences. But, my MIL is NOT
all for that. It's always about my husband and her, and how
she lived and raised her children. She lives with me, and I
hate her more and more every day! I hate looking at her, talking
to her, even having a conversation with her, because she is so fake!
My SIL has the same problem with her MIL, and she tries to tell my
MIL to stop the nagging and pushing, but to no avail. I'm scared
for my children, and I'm sad, because at one point in the past 8 years
I did love her. She tries to take my place in my home, and double
checks my doings like a head master in elementary school. I
feel her on my toes each day, and I feel very uncomfortable in my
own home. I close my eyes for a moment and everything changes
(like where my plants are, or how my kitchen looks, or where my husbands
clothes went). What do I do? My DH has no patience to
hear about this stupid topic, and it is left to me to IGNORE her behavior,
like a chirping grasshopper at night. This is what my DH said,
"Just do it, and let her say whatever she wants. It's the
outcome that counts." But, the outcome is not always the
right outcome. She is always interfering in my relationship
with my DH, and I know that she is jealous of our love, but what can
I do to stop her from pushing me away from my own life? I already
feel powerless and very hurt.
Signed - Lady
RESPONSE: Lady
Tell DH that if he doesn't throw MIL out, you'll toss both of them.
RESPONSE: Lady
Tell him that it is unacceptable. Either he straightens out his mother
and she shapes up, or she leaves. Tell her to leave YOUR things in
YOUR house alone.
RESPONSE: Lady
My DH has no patience to hear about this stupid topic. This is what
my DH said, "Just do it, and let her say whatever she wants.
It's the outcome that counts." But, you're supposed to have
the patience to live with constant disruption in your own home? Your
feelings are worth something, too. Has DH considered an "outcome"
that doesn't include you?
RESPONSE: Lady
I think that you should pack a bag and go stay with your family or
friends until DH gets his head out of his butt! Tell him that you
refuse to live this way a minute longer, and if he doesn't choose
to put you, your marriage and your soon-to-be children first, then
he can live with his mommy happily ever after. Your DH has the best
of both worlds right now. He doesn't have to upset his mommy, and
he has a wife whom he can tell "put up and shut up". You
need to make him realize that you are his first priority, and if you
are not happy, ain't nobody going to be happy! Raise holy he!!.
Take back your life!
RESPONSE: Lady
I think that it's time to revolt. Also, I think that your house is
way too crowded by at least one person, and that your DH needs to
get a clue and put his mother in line, otherwise she gets kicked out.
When MIL makes her "inspections", feel free to say, "Inspections
in MY home will not be tolerated. If it's not clean enough for you,
feel free to live elsewhere." Start taking control, because
your DH obviously won't. How can you have such a great love if he
won't tell his mom to stuff it?
RESPONSE: Lady
Help her and mother find a new place to live. Don't listen to DH
and do whatever she wants just to make her happy. The shadow just
never goes away, even when it is dark out. As long as it is still
working for her, you won't hear any complaints from her mouth. It's
time to raise your children your way. It's your job. They will only
have one mom, you.
RESPONSE: Lady
I feel bad for you. Please focus on having a healthy pregnancy amidst
all the strain. Your MIL sounds like mine, except mine doesn't live
with us. I have little advice to offer you except for you and DH
to move out of your living situation. Your DH is married to you,
not his mother. He has to stand up for you. Make it possible to
move out. Save yourself.
RESPONSE: Lady
How long have they lived with you? Is there any way that you can
kick them out? You didn't mention other kids, so I assume that the
twins are your first. Twins are really difficult. We have toddler
twins. Let me tell you that your MIL will REALLY, REALLY, REALLY
bother the heck out of you when the babies come. You think that she's
in your business now? Once, when our son cried, my MIL came over
and said to him, "Come to mommy, come to mommy, mommy will hold
you." Then, she looked at me and said, "Ooops, I mean nana,
come to nana." RIGHT!!!!! I wish you the best of luck, but
I also strongly recommend that you get her out of your house before
the twins come.
RESPONSE: Lady
I absolutely don't understand why some woman even thought that the
idea of moving in with a man and his mother is a good idea. You can't
possibly have privacy or your own lives, especially when it's one
of those cultures where it's his mothers job to make your life he!!.
I think that everyone knows what I'm talking about. Tell DH that
his mother's culture is stepping on your toes a little too much for
your taste, and that he better start putting his priorities with you,
his wife and mother of his child. Just wait till after the child
is born, that will be fun!! Straighten him out now, or you are going
to feel even more like a doormat. You are setting yourself up to
be stuck with a kid in a family who doesn't look at you with much
respect. And, his mother probably just looks at you like a human
incubator. Tell him to straighten up or you will be shipping out
with the baby.
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