I have been living abroad for the
past 20 years. I married an attorney 15 years ago, and we
have two children (11 and 6). My husband has a totally dysfunctional
family, thanks to a mother who has always been too preoccupied with
herself to attend to them. Three years ago, my FIL passed
away. He was a very doting man who ALWAYS did what she told
him to do. So, now my MIL is alone, and she has decided to
rely totally on her 6 children for companionship. She shows
no concern whatsoever for their lives. Two of the six are
married. Anyway, since my FIL passed away, SHE has decided
to join us (uninvited) on our summer vacations. This year,
we went to the beach. Every morning, she decided WHERE we
would eat breakfast and what time we would finish breakfast.
Whereupon, she would take my husband (leaving me to deal, alone,
with the children and sun lotions, bathing suits, etc.) and head
down to the beach, instructing him where to place the beach umbrella.
When my children wanted to have lunch, she would say that it was
"too early", and she would have DH stay with her until
SHE felt like having lunch. I grew more and more resentful,
until I had it out with her. She called ME "a general",
and said that she was fed up with me telling her what to do!
She went on to say that I was a horrible mother (another problem
that we have is that she always wants to feed my children chocolate
and cookies - and now she does this behind my back and tells them
"it's a secret") and that I was abusing her son!
I turned around and asked him if he thought that I was abusing him,
and he took mommy's side. I left them, and went back to the
kids. He tells me all the time that he can't stand to be around
her, and he admits that she's been a terrible mother. Yet,
when push came to shove, he defended her and not me. I am
frantically seeking counseling in the hopes that he will learn that
I AM HIS PARTNER and HE IS TO DEFEND ME NO MATTER WHAT! Since
then, I have not seen my MIL. I have informed him that she
is NOT to step foot into my home until I get an apology for all
her outrageous lies. So, now she limits herself to calling
him on his cell phone every Sunday to invite HIM to lunch.
She is determined to destroy our marriage, and I am literally at
my wit's end.
Signed - Agonizing Abroad
0
3
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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Worst gift: This was
a gift from my DH, the one whom I actually am divorcing now.
He used to put a bit of thought into my presents, well, at least if
I nagged him and gave him 5 suggestions to choose from. This
year, for my birthday, he shopped for a book for my two year old to
"give" me. It was the fourth in a series by an author
that I like, but it came without the first three (we are in a country
where obtaining the first three would be a feat). From him I
got a popular cartoon video game that he's been dropping hints about
wanting for Christmas. Both got returned, by the way.
He never bothered getting me a replacement. And, since he's
been unemployed for a year, it was all done with my own money.
Oy!
Signed - Glad It's Over
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
I recently gave birth to
my first and only child. This was supposed to be a wonderful
day for my husband and me, but it was, to me, tainted forever.
Why? I'll tell you why. During my whole pregnancy I told
my in-laws that I wanted this day for just DH and me, and that it
was personal - just between the two of us. Nothing was said.
On the morning that I went into labor, they showed up on the doorstep.
At that time, I once again reminded my MIL that I did not want her
there when I gave birth. At the hospital, a few hours later,
the nurse announced that it was time to start pushing. MIL butted
right in, ignoring my wishes, and intruded throughout the whole ordeal.
My daughter was born, and she didn't give us time to tell the family
what the baby's sex was. She told everyone herself. Ever
since that day I have hated her guts, and wish nothing but harm to
her. She has caused us marital problems, and this past summer
she didn't even acknowledge our child's birthday. When I confront
either her or my husband about how I feel about it, I'm told to "grow
up and get over it". I would love to hurt her the same
way that she has hurt me for stealing a day that I can never have
back.
Signed - Hate Her Guts
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
Send DH home to mommy, and tell him to come back when he grows up.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
First off, DH needs to stick up for you, not her. He's the real problem
here. That would have never happened to you if he got his priorities
straight.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
Anytime your D(d*ckhead)H has a complaint about ANYTHING (a headache,
tiredness, he's late for work, whatever), tell him to "grow up
and get over it". Keep repeating it until he gets the message.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
OK - she didn't "steal your day". Sure, she intruded; sure,
she told people that it was a girl. You still carried your daughter
for 9 months. You still gave birth. You're still the child's mother.
I think that you're focusing too much on this one really quite insignificant
detail, and losing sight of the big picture.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
That is absolutely inexcusable. Your MIL is a beast. I had a similar
thing happen. MIL turned up and poked her head in the door of the
Birth Suite (having previously been told that I did not want anybody
there, besides DH). Next time I am pregnant, she hopefully will be
the last to find out, and certainly won't be told when I go into labor.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
How did MIL know that you were in labor? Did DH tell her? DH needs
to do the growing up, not you. From MIL's neglect of DD, her granddaughter,
it is very clear to me that she intruded on the labor and delivery,
not because she was excited to see the baby, but because she was determined
to ruin the day for you. If DH can't see that, give him a swift kick
in the @ss and send him packing.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
What your MIL did was inexcusable, and I am in NO WAY condoning it,
but your reaction was far too poisonous to be entirely her fault.
Are you really willing to allow someone else's actions to dictate
how you feel? How can anyone steal something from us, unless we allow
it to be stolen? You had a child, and no one can steal the joy of
being a mother from you! You ought to resolve your feelings about
that experience, or you will end up bitter, resentful, and unable
to receive or give love. In short, you might just end up like many
of the MILs described on this site! Talk to her, but don't expect
an apology. She won't give one. Just tell her that you are angry
about what happened, and that she should have respected your request.
Then, leave it be! You can't change the past, or your ILs. Good
luck, and God bless.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
Your problem is with your DH. He doesn't respect you. And, honestly,
I think that you should let him read what you wrote. I would also
get him into counseling, because I would eventually explode over him
and mommy telling me to grow up after they completely ignored what
I wanted for MY child birth. He's the problem. He didn't have the
balls to stand up for you when you needed him, and he obviously doesn't
put you first above his mom. Where is your backbone, too? You should
have told them all to go home, and you should have told the nurse
to keep DH's overbearing mom out. It is their job to obey your wishes,
and there is a good reason for that. It's because you are the one
giving birth. If my DH told me to grow up and get over it, I think
I would have been rolling on the floor with him in a fist fight.
He would never talk to me like that about something that was so personal.
You were cr@pped on by his incompetence as a DH and his family's failure
to respect you. He has no respect for you, obviously, as a woman.
I honestly would never marry a man who would say that to me, or wasn't
man enough to respect my wishes. I just wouldn't. He sounds like
a pig.
RESPONSE: Hate Her Guts
I sort of understand where you are coming from, but not to the same
extent as you. For years I looked back on my only child's birth,
not as a time of joy, but of pain and anguish in dealing with my in-laws.
I didn't tell anyone, except my mother, that I was in labor. I was
lucky, though. And, as we lived a plane trip from any family, there
was no one to bother me. However, I did still have to deal with them
during my pregnancy and after my DD's birth. Many things have been
said to me since that time about my behavior, and some were very hurtful.
However, I think that you need to put it behind you, not to "grow
up and get over it", but to stop holding on to the resentment
that you carry for what this woman "did to you". You are
allowing her to hurt you time and time again. Just think about your
DD and what you want to be able to tell her when she is older. Look
at the positive, and not at the negative. Remove any thoughts of
this horrible woman during this time, and take your day back. Don't
let her into your life so much. My ILs now live in another country,
and I haven't seen them for 3 years. But, a friend told me that I
share my day with them every day because I thought of them so often.
They were a big part of my life, even though I never spoke to them
on the phone or saw them. Since then, I have stopped letting them
into my life on a daily basis and am much happier for it. And, now,
when I look back, I remember my DD's birth as a happy time for DH
and me.
I just don't know what to
do anymore about my FMIL. I have been engaged for 3 years, and
my FMIL is trying to control everything about our relationship.
Three years ago I lost about 40 lbs., and for the past 3 years she
has continued to put me down for it. We went to visit just a
couple of months ago, and she was going on about how great I looked.
I talked to her on the phone two weeks ago, and she started screaming
at me, asking me if I am still skinny and saying that I better be
eating and I better dare not lose any more weight. I am so depressed
over it. She is acting like I am starving myself and making
myself throw up. She continues to ask me, every week, about
what I am doing, and I give her the same answer every week.
I say that I am just exercising and keeping myself healthy, and that
I am happy being thin. I have tried to get my fiancé
to talk to his mother, but he refuses because he told me that they
will get mad at him and she will not talk to me. And, he says
that she will get all of my fiancé's family to not like me,
either (we have been together for 9 years). My family doesn't
have a problem with me losing the weight. It is just her.
I have been in tears about this for two weeks. She asked me
if I am pregnant, after my fiancé and I both told her that
we decided not to have children. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Signed - I Am So Upset
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
She is jealous, can't you see that? You have lost weight, and probably
look great, and she has a massive attack of the green-eyed monsters.
Don't be upset, feel smug.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
Dump this loser, and find a man with some balls. If he lets his mother
treat you like that while you are just engaged, it will only get worse
if you marry him.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
She is jealous of you. And, if your DF doesn't stand up for you now,
he won't anytime after you're married. Tell her to stuff it when
she asks what you eat, and ask her why she is so interested. Your
Dr. seems fine with your health, so she should be, too.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
You need to get mad at FDH, and tell him that if he is so concerned
about his family being mad at him, you will leave him alone to continue
keeping them happy.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
Your fiancé isn't ready to grow up and be a man, so I would
put more thought into marrying him. The response that talking to
his mother would get her mad at him is the response of a little boy.
And, you need a man to be at your side to get through life's problems
and having a family of your own. A little boy will not be there for
you when there is a problem, he will just make excuses.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
Stop being upset with MIL. It is clear that she is jealous of how
you look. Furthermore, why are you with a man who refuses to defend
you when it comes to mommmmmmmmyyy? Think about it: FMIL is making
you miserable, and DF is doing nothing to stop it. Reconsider your
relationship with this man, and don't have anything to do with his
mother. Don't see her, and don't take her calls. She is verbally
abusing you because you are allowing her to do it.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
First, why the heck would you be in tears because of her?! You are
giving her power over you!! Stop it, already! Second, all I can
think of is that she is jealous of you. Relish it. Flourish in it!!!
Keep yourself healthy! Good for you! Third, tell her straight forward
that you already told her that you and DH are not planning any children,
and that if you change your minds, you'll let her know when you are
ready to. That's that.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
Why are you talking (or listening) to this woman? When she calls,
smile and hand the phone to her son. Avoid her, and avoid gatherings
where she's present. You know that old joke where the patient says,
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this!" and the doctor says,
"Well, DON'T DO THAT!"? Really, why be around someone who
makes you miserable? In your story, she comes across as an obsessed
psycho. If your DF wants to deal with her so much, let him. And,
as for his fear that she won't like him, or you, or whatever, what
exactly are you gaining from her "liking" you?
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
Seriously now, do you really want to marry a little boy who can't
say boo to his mommy. You are supposed to be the woman of his dreams,
and he can't tell his mom to knock off the cr@p. Congratulations
- you are engaged to a two year old. This guy is nowhere near ready
to be married, and neither are you for not realizing what he will
put you through just to keep his mom happy. You have got to be kidding
me!!!! He has no balls. You should be upset. You are about to marry
a man who isn't man enough to not care what his family thinks, and
to defend his wife. If he can't realize how nuts his mother is, then
maybe he didn't fall far from the tree, either. Leave him, leave
him now, or demand that you both see a counselor. Don't marry this
guy unless you can get him to grow up and be a man who you will need
in life to put you first, because that is what a marriage is. I have
heard my brother, on several occasions, tell my mother to knock it
off because she was saying something negative about his wife. I applaud
him for being so good to his wife that way. Make sure that your fiancé
will be a good man to you.
RESPONSE: I Am So Upset
Congratulations on your weight loss. That's a real victory for you.
Anyone who's ever had to lose weight, whether 5 or 300 lbs., knows
how hard it is. The next time she starts in on your weight and how
you must be starving yourself, wait for her to pause, and then, in
a genuinely puzzled voice, say to her, "Dear MIL, I am so confused
by your question. All the people who love me, and therefore want
the best for me, are so happy for me and rejoice WITH me about my
weight loss and resulting healthy lifestyle. So I am quite confused
by your attitude. Are you happy for me, or not? And if not, why
not? I would think that YOU, of all people, would be happy to spare
your son the financial and health issues of dealing with an overweight
spouse." Say this with a smile on your face, and in your voice.
Say it in front of witnesses, so that she can't claim it to be something
else later. Then, simply stay silent (this is the hard part) and
let her respond. If she actually has the nerve to ask that question
again at a later date, smile and say, "Didn't we already go over
this?" and move on to a new topic. She can only get your goat
on this one if you let her.
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