Let me tell you what happened to
me!!! DH and I were going on our first vacation to "Sin
City", baby, and I was so excited. I really wanted to
camp out in the desert for the first time. We were going for
2 weeks. We live very far from any family, and though we love
them, we also love the space. We are very "on our own"
kind of people, and we would rather not be pulled around by different
people on our time off for vacations. Well, my DH got on the
phone to call his parents to tell them the dates that we would be
out of town, and I did the same with my parents. When he got
on the phone with his parents, I heard them all get excited, including
BIL, about where our destination was. I, clear as a bell,
heard FIL say, "Don't you worry, we will be there."
I shrieked silently, behind DH's back!!! "Did I really
just hear that statement???" OMG!!! I was immediately
horrified at the thought that my first ever real vacation (ever
without my own mom and dad) was going to have to be spent with a
bunch of old farts telling us, "Don't do this," "Don't
drink that," "Where are you going?", and "When
will you be back?" I tapped him on the shoulder and I
told him silently, "NO NO NO"!!! He gave me a "hold
on" kind of look, and I knew that he understood. To make
a long story short, he didn't say much until it was too late, and
we just canceled our plans. Since then, my DH has grown a
pair. And without a doubt, he knows when to tell his family
"no". There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It just takes men a little while to be the one to tell mom and dad
"no". We did finally go on our first vacation a
year later, after he became a man.
Signed - NO NO NO!!!
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My ILs are very active people,
and they like to do their thing. This is FINE with me.
It keeps them out of my hair! They complain that I don't let
them see the grandchildren. When I ask if they would like to
baby-sit, the best excuse that I have gotten (when they don't want
to do it) is, "If it's raining, we will watch the kids!"
Then, I get off the phone and immediately call someone who would rather
be honest, straight up, and enjoy spending time with family.
Signed - Just Venting
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
This is not about my MIL,
but my dog acts just like her! When I get up in the middle of
the night, she waits until I am back in bed and settled. Then,
she wakes my DH up to let her outside! I have tried to get up
and let her out. I have opened the door, tried to lead her out,
etc., and she refuses to go. But, she will nudge and growl at
my DH until he gets up to let her out himself. And, this is
only after I have been up in the middle of the night! I swear,
I think that my dog was a MIL in a former life!!!!!
Signed - Owner of a MIL
Doggie
RESPONSE: Owner of a MIL Doggie
You've let the dog become the boss, and that's not good. When you
get up, kick (not literally!) her butt out, and leave her out for
a while. If you can't get her out, when she starts bothering DH,
he needs to tell her, "NO!," very forcefully. Then, wait
a little while and get up and let her out on his terms. She CAN NOT
be the one telling both of you what to do.
My partner, 28, broke his
neck, and MIL convinced him that my 23 month old daughter, my 6 month
old son and I should move in with her so that she could "take
care of us". She is a divorcee with 3 sons, ages 22, 27
and 28. The 22 and 27 year old still live with her, along with
her own mother. And, now DH, our children, and I live there,
too. I hate living with MIL. She bases her self-esteem/self-worth
on how much people need her. Sadly, as we are all adults, no
one needs her anymore. She is finding this difficult to accept.
She won't let her sons leave the nest. She has manipulated her
sons into not leaving her by saying things to them when they were
children like, "You will be good boys and never leave me.
You won't hurt me like your father did, will you?" She
uses my partner as a surrogate husband, and she expects him to support
her financially and emotionally. When I first met my partner,
I told him that he was not responsible to support her or his 2 brothers.
He felt relieved, yet she was outraged, as I had ruined her income.
From this point on, she attempted to get rid of me. And, she
has made my life he!! ever since. She complains to my partner
about me, frequently. I don't like to offend people, yet she
is offended at almost everything I do, right down to the way that
I put pegs on the line. "She puts them on wrong."
Anything I do is wrong. How can anyone get so upset about a
peg? It's almost amusing! She told my partner to tell
me to not be so happy around her, as "it is annoying."
Living with her constantly picking at me and correcting everything
that I do is draining. She overtakes and pushes me aside when
I am carrying out any job with my children. I think that she
is helping, yet the message that she sends me by overtaking is, "You
are hopeless and incompetent at this job. You can't carry it
out efficiently, so I'll do it properly" I feel that she
does this in a attempt to make it look like I can't cope. And,
she then complains to my partner about how I can't manage things.
My partner has just settled his compensation payout for his broken
neck, and now he has approached me and asked whether I mind if he
pays off MIL's house for her. We had decided that with the money
we would move out and buy our own house. Now, she is playing
guilt games again with my partner, saying that she has helped us so
much by letting us stay at her home (we paid full rent and board during
the entire stay). As far as I'm concerned, we owe her nothing.
My partner has brought her a very expensive new stove out of guilt
for abandoning her financially in the past. How can I help him
to see that he can break free from her destructive patterns, and realize
that his financial duty is to his own children now, and not to her
anymore? Help!!
Signed - Helpless and Homeless!!
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
The fact that he is even entertaining the idea speaks volumes. Cut
your losses and go.
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
You need a lawyer to protect your children. It has reached that point.
If this wakes your partner up, so much the better.
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
Tell him to grow a "pair", stand up to her and tell her
that he is not responsible for his mother's finances. He has a life
and a family of his own. That is where his financial responsibilities
lie.
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
You don't owe her anything. She had benefited from having you stay
with her. Obligation comes from someone doing something for you when
they don't receive a HUGE benefit in return. And, his responsibility
is to his wife and children. They come first. His unmarried brothers,
who will be living with her, should take on the responsibility of
their mother now.
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
MOVE OUT!!!! If DH doesn't want to leave, oh-well. You keep going
on and on and all you really have to do is move out. If you knew
that your MIL was like this before moving in, why would you move in?
You also mentioned that your BILs, ages 22 and 27, are still at home
with mommy. But you are married WITH kids, and living with your MIL!!!
Sorry, but you have no sympathy from me.
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
Look on the internet for something called "emotional incest".
It sounds very much like what is happening with your DH. My DH and
I are going through some of the same sort of things (he feels responsible
for his mother's well-being and happiness, and she treats him like
a surrogate husband). He needs to seek counseling for him to understand
that what his mother is doing is wrong. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Helpless and Homeless!!
Tell him no!!! You guys need to get on your own feet. Never mind
giving the money to her. That keeps you in her house longer, needing
her help more. That is an extremely foolish husband that you have.
You need to be more grown up, and put your foot down. You sound like
you take a lot of cr@p because you think that you have to. You don't.
Don't let him do it, and tell MIL that you have to do right by your
family before you take care of her. She has three other grown men
living in the house. Well, let them take care of her. It doesn't
sound like they have wives or children to think about. You will only
trap yourself. Don't be stupid. Get yourselves out of that house
and on your own feet again. Otherwise, you are living in his mommy's
house, while your family's money pays it off. And you are going to
be nothing but miserable there. Tell DH to wake up and start thinking
about what he would be doing to his family if he got suckered into
paying her house off. She is playing him like a fiddle. If he does
give her the money, I would leave. What a no-balls DH.
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