A Christmas Story: My DF and
I had agreed to spend last Xmas with his family (which meant not
visiting mine at all, for the second year in a row). About
a week before Xmas, my dad called to tell me that our family dog
(whom we'd had since I was a kid) had been diagnosed with cancer,
and probably wouldn't last more than two weeks. I loved this
dog. I was raised to love our pets as members of the family.
Everyone in my immediate family is a great animal lover. So,
of course, I wanted the chance to say good-bye. My FH called
his parents to tell them that something had come up unexpectedly,
and we would have to postpone seeing them until a few days after
Xmas. FMIL asked him why, and he told her. She flipped
out. She told him that we (meaning me) were being selfish,
and that we had ruined her Xmas. My FH tried to explain the
situation to her, how important it was for me to see my dog one
more time (FH is also an animal lover, and understands my feelings).
But, she ended the conversation with the statement, "Dog wins,
I lose," and hung up. There was no consideration for
me or my family. There was no respect for our values.
All she cared about was that she was not having things her way.
And, that was not the end of it. The next day she wrote him
a very angry e-mail in which she told us that our priorities were
out of order, and that we had not only ruined her Xmas, but had
ruined it for FH's father, aunt, and grandparents (who are JEWISH
and don't even care about Xmas - they just celebrate it with her
to please her). She ended the e-mail by saying that we should
not expect to receive any presents from her, but that we had better
find a way to send hers to her in time for the holiday. Can
you say HYPOCRITE? OUR priorities are out of whack, because
I want to see someone I love one more time before they die, but
she's obviously got hers in order by caring more about her presents
than our feelings. When her e-mail did not produce the desired
effect, she switched to guilt tactics. She informed my DF
that his grandmother (a woman whom he loves very much, and who'd
had a stroke several years ago, leaving her somewhat mentally childlike)
had been going downhill health-wise, and that this would probably
be her last Xmas. So, he should be there to make it special
for her. (Again, his grandmother is Jewish). Well, she
pushed all the right buttons. My DH would do anything for
his grandma, and I (being somewhat more understanding and sympathetic
than my FMIL) finally agreed to stick to our original plans and
go to his parent's house for Xmas. I did eventually get to
say good-bye to my dog, a week after Xmas. And, it was, in
fact, the last Xmas that my DH got to spend with his grandma (she
passed away a couple of months later). So, it's good that
he got to spend it with her. And, the story even has a good
ending. It seems that there is some sort of cosmic justice
out there, at least in small ways. After arriving at the IL's
house on Xmas eve, my FMIL pulled me aside to speak with me alone.
I was expecting some sort of apology (as my FH had told her that
the only way we would come would be if she apologized to me for
her insensitivity). Instead, what I got was a speech on how
wrong we had been and how happy she was that we had come to our
senses and gotten our priorities in order. I was steaming.
But, before I could say anything, the rest of the family came into
the room with glasses and a bottle of champagne. My DF opened
the bottle. And, even though the bottle was pointed away from
everyone, the cork bounced off of the ceiling and hit FMIL right
between the eyes. Luckily, she was too stunned (and drunk)
to notice our poorly-concealed giggles. It was the best present
that I could have received!
Signed - I Must REALLY
Love Him
0
1
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
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For me it is as simple as
this: Telling lies is like breathing for my MIL. You want
to know how I know if she is lying???? It's simple - it's when
she is speaking, and words are coming out of her mouth!!!! That's
how I know that she is lying.
Signed - Simply A Liar
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Well, let's just say right
off that I think that my MIL is nuts!!! DH and I have put up
with a lot from her. We lived with her for the first year of
our marriage (which I don't recommend, but we had to). This
was when I saw the true her start to come out slowly. She was
nice to me in the beginning, but it changed when she made rude comments,
said things to my DH, and said things behind my back. Of course,
DH always stood up for me. One day, DH was talking to FIL in
the hallway, and MIL wanted to get by, so she yelled, "Move out
of the damn way." All DH said was, "You could have
said it nicer." That then triggered a huge fight.
She started screaming at the top of her lungs, "Get out of my
f*%#king house," saying how we were stupid for getting married,
and that I was lazy. This woman got married 3 times, got pregnant
with DH when she was 17 (not married). And, one of her DHs was
40 when she was 20. And, she can barely crawl out of her bed
to clean her house, because all she does is sleep all day. Well,
the fight ended at the point where she became physical and was pushing
him and slapping him on the chest. I've seen her choke him before,
too. My DH didn't lay a hand on her. I found that out
prior to this incident, she used to beat on my DH with her fists,
and lost him because of it. But, she somehow got him back.
This came from her own mother. We had barely any money, so we
had to stay there for 10 days. Before we were going to move,
MIL called my DH and told him that he had to clean he kitchen (she
's messier than a pig). DH gets up at 5 AM to go to school,
then he works so that he can come home at 8:00 PM. Oh, and,
by the way, MIL doesn't work anymore. He told her no.
So, she told him to get out. But, first she said stuff about
me. While packing, she still had the gall to ask if he was going
to come over for Sunday dinner. Well, she isn't allowed in my
home, but I think that DH wants me to forget what happened and make
peace. He doesn't remember getting beaten as a child.
Her excuse for her actions was that she was stressed. I guess
that she stresses every day.
Signed - She's Crazy
RESPONSE: She's Crazy
DH needs counseling. Ask him to go for you. He won't do it for himself
RESPONSE: She's Crazy
Your DH needs to wake up and take a stand! I hope someone grows a
spine soon before the grandkids start coming.
RESPONSE: She's Crazy
My mom was severely stressed - a single parent with a philandering
ex-husband who refused to pay support. Plus, she's an abuse survivor
from an alcoholic family. She never beat us, though she's admitted
that the temptation was great at times to just let loose and go to
town on us. "She's stressed" is an excuse, and an unacceptable
one at that. If DH keeps pushing for you to forgive her instead of
focusing on what she's done to you, focus on what she's done to him,
i.e. "I'm not allowing anyone who treats MY DH like that in
MY home. I don't care if she IS your mother. As a matter of fact,
that makes her mistreatment of you even LESS acceptable. She may
not have any respect for you, but I do and I'm not going to allow
it!" Make it all about him and your love and respect for HIM.
I have been enduring an
estrangement from both my daughter, my son and their spouses.
This means that I don't see my grandchildren, and that tears my heart
out. My SIL has been rude and disrespectful for as long as I've
known him. He doesn't talk out his "issues" with me,
but rather resorts to snubs. I've tried to ignore this and work
past it by continuing to offer him love and acceptance, but he is
a barrier over which I can't climb. I finally had had enough
when I was snubbed at the birth of my second grandchild. I told
him "NO MORE", and my daughter felt that I was asking her
to choose between us. All I asked her to do was help me, to
try to encourage her husband to treat me better, and to recognize
my pain at having to endure this treatment. My SIL told me that
he had "issues" with me, that I had made a "fatal mistake"
in assuming that he could be someone who might love me, and who I
could love, that I hadn't earned his respect, that I had never given
my daughter a sense of family, and that if I wanted to remain in the
family, I was permitted to only discuss weather or news - not my job,
friends, life, etc. There has been an extreme amount of verbal
viciousness coming from my daughter since. I have tried and
tried to get them to talk this over with me, but every effort that
I make seems to cause them to move further away from me. I don't
understand this. I even sat in a park waiting for my SIL to
come walk and talk with me, but they told me that it was aggravation,
and that it was demanding on my part. I thought that it was
a perfect opportunity for him to air his grievances, and I told him
that I hadn't been expecting "nice-nice" by waiting for
him. He never showed. They placed my son as the middleman.
But, when he began to direct how my face should look, what I should
say and do, and then refused to listen to my side of this, I told
him that I couldn't accept him as the middleman because it was causing
me to become angry with him. I told him that his sister and
her husband were in their 30's, and that their problem was with me
and it shouldn't involve him. I told him that this was robbing
me of any comfort zone with either of my children. Soon enough,
he and his wife came to visit to tell me that I had never been a good
mother, that I had never given my son a sense of family, and that
if this battle with my daughter continued, then I would lose him also.
They told me that I seemed insecure now, and that they couldn't decide
if I had changed after my mother passed away a year ago, but that
they knew that they didn't like me anymore. I have instructions
never to kiss my son's baby boy on the cheek, only on the hands, legs,
or arms. I told them that there were now too many rules for
me, and that I would need cue cards to just get through a visit with
my grandchildren. My heart is broken. I just can't understand
this! Just a year ago, I paid for my son's wedding, and just
4 months ago I was the only one at the hospital waiting for the birth
of my grandson. Yet, because I walked into the room after he
was a couple of hours old, they told me that I was "invading"
and "intrusive", instead of being able to see the joy in
my face and eyes, and instead of being able to recognize my loyalty
in waiting the entire day, by myself, while my DIL was in labor.
I just can't do or say anything right. No one will talk to me
about this. I stopped calling them, finally, and told everyone
that I would no longer beg for their company. I also told them
that they knew where I lived, and that my heart was broken, but that
my heart, arms and door would always be open to them. It seems
that this is all that I can do.
Signed - Broken Hearted
Mother and Grandmother
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
Go get counseling. You are a horrible MIL. Get a life of your own.
Let them live their lives.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
You have trouble with two of your children? Hmmmm, something's up.
Wish we could hear their side of the story, too.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
I suggest getting on with your life, and letting go of these folks
for your own mental health! Adopt a surrogate family. There are
plenty of children, besides your biological ones, who need love.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
There might have been a reason why you were the only one waiting outside
the delivery room. They might not have wanted visitors for the first
day, and you ignored it.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
There has to be something else going on. You're playing innocent,
but they haven't gone to these extreme measures over nothing. Take
a good, hard, and honest look at yourself. Sometimes, it can be painful
to admit where you've messed up, but all their anger is coming from
somewhere. There is obviously a lot of history that causes your children
and their spouses to have no respect for you. Have you lived a respectable
life as a good and honest woman? Or, have you done what you willed
and expected them to just overlook it. Get real with yourself and
your children. I don't buy your poor me story.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
I'm sorry for your pain, but I do wonder why you are estranged from
BOTH of your children. Perhaps you need to take a long, careful look
at your own behavior, actions and words and see how they may have
been misinterpreted by your children. If you are really desperate
to see the grandchildren, then abiding by your children's rules shouldn't
be a major issue. If you really can't face doing that (and I have
to ask myself why both of your children are married to control freaks),
then you will have to console yourself by sending little things to
the grandchildren until they are old enough to make contact with you
by themselves.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
I really hate to say this, but you sound like one of those people
who's a complete harridan to everyone, but expects them to kiss your
@ss just because you're still breathing. Take a good look at the
situation. I'm hearing that your children are grown and coming to
the realization that you are not a nice person, and that they don't
have to put up with your mind games now that they are adults and have
families of their own. Now it is within the realm of possibility
that all of your children have mental problems and are acting out,
or that they have been brainwashed by their spouses, but both scenarios
are highly unlikely. To quote Sherlock Holmes, "When you remove
everything from the equation that is not possible, all that is left
is the truth." Why don't you take some time to ferret out the
truth of the situation?
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
You entered the wrong web site, and you are setting yourself up to
be bashed! Deep down YOU KNOW that you have done something wrong
if NO ONE wants to be around you. I've had numerous problems with
my MIL, and now I do not see her at all. My wife and children do
not either. We only write on occasion. We do not answer phone calls,
nor have we given an address so that we can have visits. Be truthful
to yourself, and admit the cr@p that you've pulled. Every MIL pulls
cr@p. My MIL has done so much that I was ready to leave my wife!
My mother has done things to my wife (like saying that she was going
to plan A SECOND BIRTHDAY PARTY when she was told by my wife that
we were planning one for our child). A MIL will do devilish things
and then pass them off as "trying to help". People get
tired of this, as you are now well aware. Again, you've done something
to deserve it. I can tell by your story.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
I think that there is a lot more to this story than you are telling
us. If your DD and your DS have both told you on separate occasions
that you were not a good mother and never gave them a sense of family,
doesn't that make you question your past behavior? All you do in
your post is justify your behavior. I think you need some counseling,
and I think you need to be honest to yourself with how you raised
your kids and what kind of mother you were. Learn to see things from
their perspective. Only then can you rebuild. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted Mother and Grandmother
Ok, I hear that you are upset, but something tells me that you had
to do something to make them mad. People don't just say that they
don't like you anymore because you are a puffy ball of love. I'm
not saying that you are a bad person. Maybe you pushed their buttons
by entering the delivery room uninvited. A lot of women take that
personally, and they might have made it clear to you that they didn't
want the company, even if it's grandma with a face of joy. I know
a lot of women who need privacy during the first week after having
a baby. The reasoning behind this doesn't seem to make sense to a
lot of MILs, but to have family intrude on the first couple of moments
of your new family's life can be extremely annoying, being that the
baby gets taken from the mother or there is too much noise when the
mother needs to get sleep. You might have stepped over this boundary
with them. This might not have been what they needed and you probably
went against it. Do I believe that it's a reason to disown you?
No, not at all. But, maybe you need to step back a lot, let them
breath, and get their heads together. I don't understand some of
your story because you give the details of what they do, but you don't
say why they did it, like maybe you played a role in it. Maybe you
should go talk to someone. It might help. You don't even have to
tell them. It's not their business. The best thing that I can tell
you is to step away and give them time to come to you. If there is
anything that you might have done to make them mad and can apologize
for, do so. I would, after that, just back off and make arrangements
with them to see the baby in the park or at your home during the week.
I wouldn't bother too much with the parents. Let them come around.
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