DH and I got married in the court
about 2 years ago. And, now we have decided to have a reception,
because we couldn't celebrate our wedding before, because I gave
birth the day after the wedding ceremony. Now we want to have
a reception, and we have decided to have a church wedding.
DH and I are upset, because my MIL wouldn't even help. My
parents paid for most of the wedding, and my FIL is helping, too.
But, my MIL didn't even offer. We told her that we needed
her help, but she never gave us an answer. Every time that
we ask her, she has a sour look. So, I told DH to forget about
it. We have a 21 month old son, and I feel like I am just
a baby-sitter, because she always tells me what to do to my son,
how to dress him, when to take him out, when and what to feed him,
etc. Every time I feed him my kind of food, she gives me this
look. Every time I cook my food, she always say that it smells
weird and nasty. Every time DH and I bring her food, she complains
and she tells us that the food we got her is disgusting and nasty.
Every time DH and I go grocery shopping, she complains that we didn't
buy the things that she wants. I cannot take her anymore.
If we move out, we know that we will struggle to pay rent because
we are not financially stable. But if we continue to live
with her . . .
Signed - Hatred Will
Grow
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Somewhat Agree
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Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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Worst gift: I received
a tea cup that says "mom" with chocolate chips. It
says 50 cents on the wrapper.
Signed - Tea Cup
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My DH's family is from
another country, so they speak a different language than I do.
I cannot understand or speak their language, but all of them can speak
English very well. After 10 years of marriage, the ILs still
talk in their own language in front of me, as if I am not there.
They even talk about things that affect the family, thing that have
happened that involve both DH and me. They do this in front
of me, even in my own home. My husband has told her repeatedly
that it is rude, but, obviously, she doesn't care. She thinks
that I am a quiet person because I don't talk when she is around.
But, why would I bother when she does not care about my opinion?
Signed - Why Bother?
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
It sounds to me like it's time to learn their language. Just don't
let them know that you have.
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
It is rude to do what they do. I would refuse to stay if they are
going to act like that. Also, learn their language so that you can
better understand what they are talking about. But, don't tell the
ILs that you are learning it.
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
That is very rude of your in-laws. I would stop inviting them to
my home. If they can't respect you after your DH told them to stop,
then there's no need to be around them. Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
After 10 years, why haven't you bothered to learn some of their language?
You don't have to speak to her in her language, but boy you could
surely speak to her in English about why she said so-and-so. Wouldn't
that be a hoot?
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
If the language is common, take a class at a local community college.
Once you learn a little, make a comment in that language while she
is speaking it. She won't know how much you actually understand,
but I'd say she'll be more careful about what she says about you in
her native tongue!!!!!
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
They won't change, believe me. I was in the same boat. So, I took
a couple of beginner courses in their language. I still couldn't
understand everything that they were saying, but at least I could
tell what they were talking about, so I wasn't totally bored!
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
When they are speaking in another language in front of you, ask them
to repeat themselves in English. It is very rude when people do that,
but they will not stop until you force them to. They will get tired
of repeating everything all the time, and they will start speaking
in English around you. If you don't have the balls to stand up for
yourself in front of them, no wonder they do that. Say something.
Don't make your husband do it!
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
There is only one way that I know of to deal with these rude ILs who
exclude you by speaking only their language in front of you. LEARN
THEIR LANGUAGE!!! I had the same situation, and got fed up. You
don't have to be a genius or even a talented linguist. You can find
language-learning materials on-line, in bookstores, and there are
even ethnic organizations that give classes. Don't tell them what
you are doing. You just have to start picking up enough that they
become uneasy talking in front of you. I can't tell you the pleasure
it gave me the first time one of the ILs said something mean and nasty
in front of me. I responded in his language, and his jaw dropped.
He turned to DH, astounded, "She understands?!" It was
priceless, and made my life more pleasant after that.
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
Your DH should refuse to participate in any conversations in the foreign
language when you are in the room. Anytime they say something to
him in the other language, he should reply with, "I'm sorry,
could you repeat that in English, please?" If they continue
speaking in the foreign language, he should just repeat his request
for them to speak in English, and refuse to respond to anything they
say that isn't in English. You can't really stop the ILs from speaking
in their language. DH has told them that it is rude and they do it
anyway. Maybe you could establish an "English Only" rule
in your house, and tell them that they must leave if they want to
speak any other language.
RESPONSE: Why Bother?
It doesn't sound like you bothered in the first place. Surely, after
10 years, you could have learned a few words or phrases in their language.
I don't think that you need to learn to speak like a native, but you
should put forth a little effort and learn some of their language.
I know of one woman who was in the same boat as you are. She started
taking classes to learn their language, since she especially needed
to know what they were saying, as she and her DH started having children.
She told me that it was the smartest thing she ever did. Besides,
while they are able to speak English, I'm sure their native language
is more comfortable for them, just as English is to us. I've also
been around some others who make an effort to speak English, but sometimes
they do happen to slip back into their native tongue, especially when
they are unsure how to phrase something. While your in-laws may not
be nice people, you are compounding the problem more than it needs
to be, since you have a language barrier, and most likely cultural
differences. Good luck.
I am twenty years old, and
have been married for three months. MIL is a nightmare.
She has interfered with our relationship since we began dating.
It did not get unbearable until we became engaged. The day that
my DH proposed to me, she literally pitched a fit like a small child
not getting his/her way. Some of the things that she said during
this "fit" included, "I have loved you for twenty-two
years, and you're hers now. You're not mine anymore. I
have loved you for twenty-two years and it has all been wasted.
I don't ever want to see either one of you again." Instead
of seeing how ridiculous this was, my husband coddled her. This
continued on until our marriage. We actually lived with his
parents for a short period of time, which was a huge mistake.
And, during that short period of time she did every hateful act known
to man towards me. She would pick through our clothes, pick
his out and fold them, and hang them up. She would leave mine
wadded up in the basket. Mind you, it was a load of clothes
that I had washed. She would cook dinner and call down the stairs
and say "DS, dinner is ready, come eat," like I didn't even
exist. I am a firm believer in the fact that it takes more time
and energy to NOT do something than it does to just go ahead and DO
it. This woman, in three years, has never once bought me a birthday
present or card, and has bought me cheesy gifts like bed slippers
for Christmas, while spending about $500 on my DH. She constantly
talked about my DH's ex-girlfriend, who was his high school sweetheart,
in front of me. When DH and I bought our home, she called everyone,
right in front of me, telling them that "her son" had just
bought a house, with no mention to me. On the day of our wedding,
she caused numerous problems. She talked badly about me, at
my own wedding reception, to some guests. My husband and I had
a "matte" set out for everyone to sign, to wish us well,
as a tribute to our new marriage. She wrote, "I will love
YOU always, Mama". She and my FIL did not even stay at
our wedding reception to see us off. MIL was crying hysterically
when she left the wedding reception, which was quite embarrassing
for us both. While taking pictures after the wedding ceremony,
my grandfather (who is 80 years old, walks with a cane, and has to
carry around a portable oxygen tank) requested that we take our pictures
with him first so that he could go sit down. We took this picture,
the only picture that had been taken besides those of the wedding
party, and MIL stood up in the middle of the church and said, "DS,
are we going to take some pictures of my family?" We hadn't
even taken the pictures of the bride and groom yet. She wanted
to take pictures of my DH, BIL, and two small cousins, without me
in the picture. I mean, she thought that this was a formal family
photo day or something. When my DH and I returned from our honeymoon,
I set my foot down and told her exactly how I felt, and that I wasn't
going to put it with it anymore. Since that time, I have not
spoken to her, and she has managed to turn my DH's entire family against
me with her lies and deceit. My husband refuses to stand up
and be a man and deal with his mother. She calls our house and
leaves messages on the answering machine saying, "DS, it's mama.
I was just thinking about you and missing you, and I wanted to tell
you that I love you. Bye son." I mean, maybe it is
just me, but if I haven't talked to my mother in a few days, this
is the message that she might leave me, "Hey, honey, I was just
calling to see what you were up to. I haven't talked to you
in a couple of days. Give me a call when you get a chance, Love
ya." To me, the kind of messages that my MIL leaves seem
more like a message from a lover, rather than a mother. Let
me tell you a little bit about my MIL and her past. She and
my FIL have been BF and GF since she was around 11 years old.
They got married while she was still in high school. They lived
with her parents, then with his parents, and then with her mother
again, up until my DH was 13 years old. They have never lived
together, just the two of them, ever. My FIL is a good guy,
but he is never at home. They ignore their problems, and act
like they don't exist. My MIL has relied on my DH and his brother
for what she does not get from her husband. She is also the
kind of mother who thinks that her children do no wrong or say no
wrong. She continuously speaks of what a great mother she is,
but I guess that my idea of a great mother is somewhat different.
She has indulged my DH and his brother their entire lives, instead
of teaching them values and preparing them for their futures.
She has, literally, wiped their butts for them. She has brainwashed
them to a point beyond imagination. I love my mother, but if
she is wrong, I tell her. There is no fear that she will not
love me because of it. I love my mother, but yet she does not
hold my heart, nor my life, in the palm of her hand. My MIL
has such an influence on her two sons. And, instead of using
it to prepare them for the next 80 years of their lives, she uses
it to benefit herself. My DH has made the effort to simply stay
away from his mother for the past few months. But, still, when
he does see or talk to her, he acts like she has done nothing wrong.
Over this past weekend, my FIL called my DH and told him that my MIL
missed him, and was crying herself to sleep every night. I think
that it is so wrong for my FIL to try to make my DH pity his mother
and feel guilty. And, I also feel that it is just flat out pathetic.
She has her own husband and her own life - live it!! The worst
part about all of it is that my MIL thinks that she has done nothing
wrong, and she claims, constantly, to be so religious. She is
the kind of woman who, when my DH and I decided to have children,
called all of her friends and family and told them that her son was
having a baby. She is the type of woman who will allow my kids
to do things that I don't agree with when I am not looking. She
is the kind of woman who tries to turn my own kids away from me, with
snide little comments like, "Momma doesn't know what she's talking
about, does she?" She also hates my mother, and trashes
her to everyone who she knows. My DH and I have already spoken
with a pastor about our problems, but it has not seemed to help.
Not only do we have these problems with her, but we have other problems
that stem from DH's lack of maturity because of the way he was raised.
He does not understand what it means to have someone else in your
life to be accountable for and to. I feel so hopeless!!
Signed - Young and Discouraged
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
Move. Move far away. Do it quickly, or this beast will destroy whatever
you and your DH attempt to create as a "family life" for
yourselves.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
FOR GOD'S SAKE! DO NOT have kids with this little boy unless he is
willing to put YOU first, and not allow his mother to do these evil
things! If he cannot see that she is wrong, and won't deal with it
like a man, then you need to leave him and find a real man.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
Forget the pastor, and get yourself and DH into the hands of a professional
therapist who is well versed in family dynamics. Let DH know, in
no uncertain terms, that the future of his marriage is riding on this.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
Counseling with the pastor didn't work, but don't give up there. Try
another pastor, if possible, or try a mental health center. Some have
sliding scale fees, so it may not be that expensive. And, going to
a mental health center doesn't mean that you're nuts. It just means
that you are smart enough to recognize that sometimes everyone needs
some kind of help. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
It appears from your letter that DH is not mature enough to be married,
and, for that matter, I don't think that you are, either. I suggest
that you consider couple's counseling. And, if he doesn't commit
to you rather than his mother, chalk it up to experience and divorce
him. He will most likely never change, and in time you'll realize
that you were too young to marry anyway.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
Counseling. Pronto. You're both very young. And while it sounds
like you're both quite mature, the unbiased voice of a professional
counselor may open both of your eyes to issues and solutions. In
the meantime, your MIL needs to be reminded that the bible says that
a son leaves his mother and cleaves only to his wife. Perhaps her
pastor could do this?
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
Pastoral counseling can be a very good thing. But, in this case,
you need help from a professional marriage counselor. You need to
seriously consider whether to remain in your marriage now that you
have kids. Your MIL seems to want to purposefully do things with
the kids that you do not agree with, and she could put them in danger,
because she would be more intent on hurting you than watching out
for the kids. The other factor to consider is child abuse. She is
already working on the kids to get them to not trust you. If they
are exposed to an abuser, she already has them in the frame of mind
to not say anything to you, which will play right into the abuser's
hands. Think about this for a good long time.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
I think that your MIL is mentally disturbed. Perhaps DH could suggest
to his father that MIL see a doctor, because it is not normal to cry
yourself to sleep every night just because your son is married. I
wonder what the reaction was of the people whom she told her "son"
was having a baby. Did they, perhaps, ask her if he was a medical
miracle, or a freak of nature? Around here, you need women to have
babies! Basically, your MIL is a disturbed and slightly ill woman.
I suggest that you have as little as possible to do with her.
RESPONSE: Young and Discouraged
What a selfish mother your DH has! Crying herself to sleep at night,
and your FIL told your DH! She sounds a bit loony to me!! I have
two brothers, and they don't do much with my mum. They are always
at their friends' houses, or with their girlfriends, but it doesn't
mean that they don't love my mum, and my mum accepts it! She understands
that they aren't interested in the same things - shopping/cooking/walking
- I don't think so!!! And, because she isn't pushy, their girlfriends
love her and want to be involved with her! She is lucky, as she has
two daughters, me and my sister, so we go shopping, to night classes,
health farms for the day, etc. But, we all still have our own lives
and friends, etc.! What's that saying? "A daughter is a daughter
for life, a son is a son till he marries a wife"!! Your MIL
needs to get a life of her own! And, you need to ignore her goings
on - it's all attention seeking! Good luck!
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