Frequent
Fry Her TM
- marzipan, 1 of 4 needed/Posted:
3-NOV-03
I have been married for two years. I am finishing
up my B.S. (graciously paid for by my parents) this spring.
And I will then be starting the second part of my education, which
will allow me to end up with a flexible, high paying job.
DH works full time at a very good job, and takes college classes
part time. We are financially stable, and responsible enough
for the child whom we are trying to conceive. We get along
with my family very well, and they live right around the corner.
We all love to hang out together, and DH and my dad go to football
games and bars together, etc., which makes me happy. My mom
adores him, and he is the first one whom my sister runs to with
a problem. His family hates me and my family. They all
refused to show up at a birthday party that my family threw for
DH because it was at my parents' home. Some of my relatives
traveled for hours to get there. His parents live ten minutes
away. The PILs always act like I am a huge leach, and subtly
snub me (I can't explain it, but I'm sure you've all been there)
when I get something new. Right now, MIL is a substitute school
aid, and you'd think that she was an on-call brain surgeon the way
she talks about her "schedule". DH and I have been
to therapy, and things are infinitely better with us. It feels
like a new marriage, and I am actually happy now. I used to
be depressed and miserable (suicidal at some points) all the time.
His parents came with us twice, never offered to pay, and said that
they were too busy to come anymore (FIL is retired, MIL basically
does nothing). DH stands up for me almost all the time now
(some things he doesn't catch, but his eyes have only recently been
opened to their cr@p, so I understand). DH also has two older
sisters. SIL1 has 2 kids. Her husband makes a good living,
but he is sort of cheap, so they have a kind of dumpy house and
things like that. I think she is sort of annoyed by the nice
things that DH and I have. She has no social graces whatsoever,
and is very tactless, blunt, and rude. I actually get along
with her okay, but she is not my favorite person. Our relationship
is cordial, at best. Her husband is also despised for many
reasons, mainly, I think, because he is not the same religion as
the rest of the family. He and I get along very well, and
DH and I are very close with their daughter. SIL1 and her
husband are in denial about the fact that their daughter is a teenager
and that there are real issues that come with the teenage years.
So she (daughter) comes to us and to my sister for advice.
SIL1 was never very popular or pretty, and the daughter is both
of those things! SIL1 loves to tell me that if I have kids
before I have completed my entire education, I am selfish and stupid
- blah, blah, blah. She had her daughter while in grad school,
and loves to tell me her "horror stories". SIL2
was training to be a musician (and was very gifted) when she was
younger. She got very, very ill and had to give it up.
She has two daughters. They are very wild and undisciplined.
It is to the point that we don't even invite them over. She
refuses to see this, even though EVERYONE thinks so. She likes
to complain about other people's kids, though. Perhaps this
is due to her own thwarted artistic ambitions. She encourages
her daughters to stick a finger in every pie. One of the daughters
is a very gifted dancer, but she cannot sing a note. SIL2
still makes her sing, though. And SIL2 does other things like
that. Of course, heaven help the poor soul who skips a recital.
The guilt is unrelenting. Side note: PILs had disowned
SIL2 at one point for dating a man who was from another race.
SIL2 also tried to kill herself when DH was young. She had
practically been a second mother to him for a while, and had even
considered adopting him away from their toxic parents. Sadly,
SIL2 is becoming more and more like MIL now. So DH and SIL2
were VERY close when they were younger. The PILs refused to
let DH see her for something like two years. They never let
him see the suicide note that she had written to him till he was
18. The purpose of the note was to let him know that he shouldn't
think that it was his fault or anything, and she bought him a video
game to make him "feel better". Then, the door that
the firemen broke trying to get to SIL2 was left broken so that
she would "remember what she had put the family through".
Poor DH slept across from it.
Signed - How Sick Is
That?
0
6
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
Worst gift: You know
what they say, "It's the thought that counts!" Well,
I'm searching for the thought in this one. Now, I am not a materialistic
person, and what would mean the most to me in a gift would be the
realization that the giver was thinking of me and associated the gift
to my personality, home, interests, etc. I am a grown woman,
and I received a "pop out type" card, which I thought was
something appropriate for a 3rd grader. My sister is very successful
in her career, and is nationally and internationally known.
Inside my birthday card was a recent newspaper article on my sister's
successful life!!! Wait, there's more. A donation to a
charity was made in my name. It was a charity that I have no
associations with or interest in. Wait, still more. There
was an announcement that this "donation" would be done on
all future occasions, not only for myself, but for my children as
well (which embarrasses them). They are full time college students,
with full time jobs, and a nice "donation in their name"
does not seem appropriate to me. This is across the board within
the family, so it is not the result of a lack of a thank you prior,
or any family squabble. It baffles me. Aren't gifts that
are given in someone else's name usually done post mortem???
I wanted to send her a card telling her that I'M NOT DEAD. Signature:
And The Card And DONATION ANNOUNCEMENT WERE AFTER MY B'DAY!
Signed - And The Card And
DONATION ANNOUNCEMENT WERE AFTER MY B'DAY!
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Worst gift: When it
comes to thoughtless gifts, my MIL and SIL are champions. Or,
to rephrase, some thought does go into their gift selections, but
the thoughts are negative and spiteful. One Xmas, my husband
was handed two expensive lamps by my SIL and told that they are just
for him, while I was handed a cheap box of chocolates. Another
year, I was given bath salts from the dollar (or two) shop.
But the worst would have to be the stain removal book that my charming
MIL gave me when she first met me, followed closely by the pan-scouring
powder that she purchased at the supermarket, along with an apron.
I have always smiled sweetly, and never complained to them about these
gifts, and I have continued to give them nice things. Twice,
my MIL has carelessly broken expensive gifts shortly after I gave
them to her, and she told me with a smile on her face that she had
dropped them.
Signed - Charming
RESPONSE: Charming
I think that I would have to take notice of whatever she is not good
at, like if she doesn't scrub the tub well enough, give her cleanser.
If she doesn't take care of the trash properly, give her a bigger
trash can or trash bags. I would, in turn, treat her exactly the
way she is treating you.
RESPONSE: Charming
Why on earth do you keep giving her nice things when all she does
is destroy them? If I were you, I'd simply wrap up the dollar store
rubbish she gives to you and re-gift it to her with a big sweet smile
on your face.
RESPONSE: Charming
Killing them with kindness obviously isn't working here. I'd start
giving them the same kind of "negative thoughts about you"
gifts that they give you. Give your MIL some mouthwash or deodorant.
LOL.
RESPONSE: Charming
If DH turns off the lamps when you walk into the room, you have a
problem. Otherwise, you just have to laugh at people who are so petty.
Did they include the special light bulbs that emit light that only
your husband can see? They are trying to drop hints with the other
gifts you mentioned, but you can ignore them. Plus, the cleaning
items are equally useful to DH when he does his half of the household
chores. The only hint you haven't gotten is that MIL is not capable
of taking care of nice presents. Remember that when shopping next
time.
RESPONSE: Charming
Three words: Pearls before swine. Stop torturing yourself. Don't
pick out thoughtful gifts for these people who obviously don't appreciate
it and go to considerable trouble to find something that will hurt
your feelings. They know that it bothers you, so they're going to
keep on doing it. You can go two routes here, cool and unaffected
- meaning you pick out some very blah but inoffensive gift such as
a day planner or body lotion, or you could go really, really immature
and put some effort into revenge. I'd recommend this route, as it
is more fun. For instance, if someone is unemployed, get them a day
planner to "help organize their obviously taxing schedule".
If someone's a vegetarian, get them a cookbook titled "101 Ways
To Prepare Meat". Whahahahahahaha. Have fun and remain cool
under fire. Good luck.
Okay, this is about my FIL
and his GF. My DH and I recently had our first daughter almost
six weeks ago, and his father made plans to come down and see his
newest granddaughter this week. I thought that this was wonderful,
since I have only met them one time, because they live in another
state. And, although there were some obvious personality differences
due to age (DH was a change of life baby, and his dad is 71), I got
along with them well, and even enjoyed the company of FIL's GF a lot.
Well, now they are here, and they have caused complete chaos.
The first day that they got here, I was immediately informed that,
since DD wanted to eat every 2 hours, my milk wasn't strong enough.
I nicely said that she was gaining weight well, and growing at the
right rate. Then, I changed the subject. Well, she got
hungry again (how dare an infant want to eat!), so I went into the
bedroom, got her latched on, covered up with a small baby blanket
for FIL's sake, and came back into the living room. FIL piped
right up and told me to give that baby a bottle and stop making her
suffer. My response was, "No." He looked at
my DH and told him that he needed to talk some sense into me.
So, my poor, timid DH softly told him that this is what is best for
the baby and me, and changed subject. FIL huffed, and then began
badgering DH about all the repairs that need to be done in our house.
Now, DH is a wonderful, loving man, but he is not a repair man.
He didn't have a clue where to begin, so, of course, that is a sign
of masculinity, right? Next up, DH and I are looking into buying
a bigger home. DH really values FIL's opinion, and so he asked
him to look at houses with us. FIL immediately said that each
house that we looked at was too much money, and he kept telling DH
that he shouldn't let me determine if we need a bigger home or not.
No matter how many times DH said that he is the main one who wants
it, FIL didn't believe him. Now, FIL's GF is saying that I don't
like her, and she won't come to our house. Instead, she stays
cooped up in the hotel. Mind you, I asked her several times
if she would like to go shopping, etc., and I generally tried to be
friendly. Poor DH heard that we are raising our child to be
a spoiled brat because I refuse to let her scream for hours on end,
how his job is inadequate (he is in law enforcement), how his wife
runs the house, and how he needs to be a MAN and make the minor repairs
on the house that need to be done himself. All I can say is
thank goodness DH doesn't have any problems with me speaking up when
I feel that I really need to, and that he loves me enough to be confident
in my parenting skills, and to not let them tell him how to raise
our daughter. I have raised two others pretty well without their
input, after all. If they don't leave soon, I am going to find
a pig farm. I heard that they eat bones and all.
Signed - Wanted: Pig Farm
RESPONSE: Wanted: Pig Farm
Let me know when you're going and I'll bring along my ILs and a trailer.
Just sign me: Deliverance!!
RESPONSE: Wanted: Pig Farm
I don't blame you. Your FIL sounds like a PITA. Ignore him!
RESPONSE: Wanted: Pig Farm
Ever thought about not allowing them near you again and telling them
to *$%# off ?
RESPONSE: Wanted: Pig Farm
Unless FIL has personal experience with breastfeeding, you can tell
him to put a cork in as many times as necessary. It sounds to me
like he's jealous of the baby.
RESPONSE: Wanted: Pig Farm
DH needs counseling to find out why he still values this man's opinion.
Of course, this may be the reason for the limited contact.
RESPONSE: Wanted: Pig Farm
You damn well do, and you should have a say in whether you and DH
move into a new house. Men aren't the only ones with brains and intuition.
I get a lot of beef from people because my DH is the shy one and I
love to talk. But, of course that means that I wear the pants. It's
all BS, marriage is a team and one shouldn't have to be subservient
to the other. This is one reason why people, especially young women,
are not jumping into marriage as quickly. It's that notion that they
have to sit below someone else and not speak up. I can't blame people
for looking at marriage like it's a disease. It has very old fashioned
views that don't work for people anymore, like people expecting you
to be the quiet one, and letting your DH make all the decisions.
Your FIL is older and I would start cutting out his opinion. You
are in that marriage, too, and you better believe that you have the
right to convince your DH to move into a bigger home. FIL tells your
husband this because he doesn't think that he is man enough. Most
marriages that I know of where the man makes all the decisions are
usually very repressed, and are not happy in the bedroom or in general.
It's so much nicer when people can look at marriage like a true partnership
of love and friendship, not as if you are going to bear the children,
keep your mouth shut, and pretend that you are less than you are because
you are a woman.
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