DH and I live upstairs in my MIL's
house. MIL lives with her daughter. SIL has a bad back
problem, so she doesn't go to work. MIL is in her mid 70's.
Every day, before my husband goes to work, and when he comes home
from work, my husband drops in downstairs before he comes upstairs.
When we all go out in one car, MIL calls her son "my baby boy".
I sit in the back of the car. Sometimes, I feel like I am
not a wife to my husband at all. One time, I got a $20 dollar
present for my birthday, and my husband got $200 dollars.
Our birthdays are 3 days apart. Boy, was I hurt. I told
my husband that when our girls are grown, I will advise them NOT
to live close to their ILs. I only wish that we didn't add
an upstairs to the IL's house. Was I stupid to approve of
my husband's decision to build an upper level to his parent's house?
Signed - Live Upstairs
In My MIL's House
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I think that anyone who loves their
pets, or just has any common sense whatsoever, will understand why
DH and I are upset by this story. It's terribly obvious that
MIL does not take very good care of her pets. Upon first seeing
the treatment of the pets, we offered to find the animals new homes
or to call animal services on her if she couldn't muster the slightest
concern for her pets. The two dogs in particular were mistreated
the most. One was age of 4 or 5, the other was 16. Instead
of using bowls, MIL simply throws a small amount of dog food on
the floor (with a small child in the household). It's no surprise
that the younger dog will eat faster and eat more of the food than
the older dog. MIL complained about this for weeks.
This isn't even a problem, but somehow MIL made it one. Everyone
told MIL, "Why not use separate BOWLS for the dogs food?",
or, "Place one dog outside and one inside when it's feeding
time." MIL did none of this. Instead, she took
the younger dog and dropped him off at a park. She was very
proud of the fact that she placed him in a park, as she just KNEW
that some family would take him home. This "park"
was actually a vacant ditch 1 or 2 miles out of town. If MIL
knew anything about pets, she wouldn't have been surprised when
the dog showed up on the porch the very next morning. A few
months went by, and all of a sudden the dog was put to sleep.
No reason was given as to why the dog was sick and had to be put
down. And, as MIL is so fond of doing, she turned the whole
situation into a "Please feel bad for me, as I am in terrible
distress, and am such a GREAT person." No one, I mean
absolutely nobody fell for this. Yet, no one bothered to ask
what had happened, nor did anyone care, except DH and me.
When it was our turn to hear the story, and it was obvious that
I wasn't going to get an answer to any questions, I simply said,
"Why are you upset? Weren't you the one who dumped the
dog off at a 'park' because he bugged you?" She didn't
talk to me much after that. In any case, here's to you M-I-L:
PISS OFF!
Signed - Get A Life MIL!
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My experience has been with
a sickly possessive and jealous MIL. I'm about to marry her
son this coming December. Now, she's trying to be manipulative
in order to break us up. She's the cowardly type of person who
hides behind "good deeds". My fiancé and I
are moving to our first apartment together. My MIL and WONDERFUL
FIL moved to our apartment for 1 month to help us move. Yes,
that was very sweet of them, but now I'm starting to wonder what the
real reason is. Obviously, we want to get the full experience
and make our own decisions about the setup of our new place, what
things we want in it, etc. My MIL has very different taste and
ways of doing things, so we wouldn't follow her suggestions.
But, we were both nice about saying, "Hmmm, we want so and so
instead." To both of us, everything was going perfectly,
until a couple of days ago. DF was a bit stressed out from working
so much, so she noticed that he was a little aggravated. He
wasn't being mean or anything, but she noticed and she used that as
her excuse for turning psycho. Right away, she started playing
the victim game and began to say that it was time for them to go back
to their town. Then, she quit talking directly to both of us.
Instead, she started throwing little digs left and right. My
fiancé told her straight out that he was not stressed out because
of them being up here, but because of work. To make the story
short, that victim game was just her little reason to start stirring
things up. So, now the truth came out. My fiancé
had a talk with her, and she told him that I'm taking her son way
from her, that she misses him, that I have possessiveness problems
(just because she doesn't accept that we're happy together).
She compared me to his ex-girlfriend (the one who cheated on him with
his friends over 10 years ago). She said that it is unhealthy
for us to be so close all the time (we work, live and go to school
together, but is our own choice - we love each other and work in the
same field). We are artists. We love to paint next to
each other, it's a spiritual career. Then, she's started crying,
saying how we're kicking her out of our life, all because we are making
our own personal decisions when it comes to our lives. She kissed
him on the forehead and told him that she loves him (talk about female
manipulation!). Then, he told her that we were going to break
up just to test her. Guess what? She said nothing to that,
but later she said, "If you're going to break up, do it because
of you, not because of anything I said." My fiancé
is 33 years old, and for a long period of his single life, he dedicated
all his time to his family and friends. Now that he wants to
start his own family, his friends and his mother are noticing how
happy we are. For some demonic reason, they can't stand it.
I don't understand why people are so selfish. Last time my MIL
was up here, she shared quite a few intimate details about my fiancé's
past girlfriends with me. I didn't want to hear such intimate
(sexual) information about his past, but what did I do? Nothing.
I just played it off, and didn't even show her how uncomfortable she
made me feel, just because I didn't want to offend her. I'm
not one to argue because, again, I don't want to offend. On
the other hand, she loves drama and loves to disturb peace in order
to get her way. I don't know what to do, because she is not
one to listen to a sensible, mature conversation. She's pretty
immature for a 54 year old, and only wants to hear what she has to
say. She's good at turning things around to her convenience.
I don't know what to do. I love my fiancé, but I don't
want this to go on for the rest of our lives. How do you disarm
an immature, vulgar MIL who plays victim every time that she knows
she's wrong?
Signed - MIL Plays Victim
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
Get her a seat on the next bus out of town. ONE WAY!
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
What is MIL doing with knowledge of her son's sexual past to begin
with? Why would she know (or want to know) those types of details?
Did she get them from your FDH? I would have told her that was THEN
and this is NOW. Also, why did she and FIL move to your new apartment
to help you move? I would have wanted to do it myself, even if it
meant not coming home to a perfect apartment each night after we got
through working. You had better start drawing some lines right now
so that they understand how much or how little they are welcome to
interrupt your lives or butt into where you don't want them to go.
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
Tell them to go home! There's no reason for them to be there to "help"
you. You are both adults.
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
This is what happens when you let MIL live with you for any length
of time. By the way, by playing the victim role, MIL really wanted
DF to say, "No, MOM, you're not the problem. I love you. Please
stay with me for another two months." It is emotional blackmail,
and her insults and bad behavior will continue until you and DF put
her in her place.
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
He is way too close to need mommy and daddy to EVEN come stay with
you while you put your apartment together. You've got to be kidding
me. I would never let the ILs help me put an apartment together.
That is something you do little by little, over the first month after
you first move in. I don't think that I could bare the thought of
DF's parents standing around the apartment helping make decisions
on style. PLEASE!!! One month is extremely too long for any parents
to live with you. It's your first apartment. Why the he!! do they
have to help you put it together, never mind live with you for a month?
Don't you guys have friends who can just drive down on the weekends
to help you out? I would never have let my ILs stay for a month,
nor would I want to marry a guy who thought that it was a swift idea.
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
My MIL is so insecure. She had a great relationship with my DH while
he was growing up. Now, she thinks that she can still be as close
with him. She causes drama. And, when I call her on it, she starts
crying and demands to speak to her son. I finally said no. When
she speaks with her son, she always puts him down, and then it takes
two months for me to build him back up. I am not doing that anymore.
She lives eight hours away, but that is way too close! She is happily
married. You would think that she would be concerned with her husband
now. Nope. She is still after my man! Ha! Psycho!
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
I don't know how you disarm a manipulative victim, and that is exactly
what she is. I have the same kind of MIL, but she hasn't fully turned
her "charms" on me - yet. But, I have seen her make the
rounds with the rest of her family, so I am just waiting for my turn.
She has started in that direction. She has decided that I need to
have some children. Oh no, excuse me. I need to have some grandchildren
for her. Who cares what I need. She is lonely, so I should procreate.
She can't find a job, so this would be perfect. She has had a falling
out with everyone else in her family, so that leaves DH and me. Having
a manipulative victim for a MIL is bad enough now, just wait until
you have children whom she wants to decide how to raise! Good luck
- you are not alone!!
RESPONSE: MIL Plays Victim
I felt alarmed when I read that you did nothing when MIL was raving
about the ex-girlfriends. You will learn to stand up to her sooner
or later. I took 6 miserable years, so I would wish sooner upon you.
She will take great pleasure in being rude to you exactly as long
as you let her. I have separated myself from DH's relationship with
his mother now. I can spot when either of them are manipulating me
a mile off. I don't fall for their tricks anymore. DH still has
a lot of his own problems with his parents, but I am not his sacrificial
lamb anymore. The birth of my two children forced me to set up some
boundaries. I couldn't bear to sacrifice their happiness to this
problem woman (as well as myself, my husband, and our marriage).
My children are free of this problem, and I am proud of that. Their
eyes are open to her moods, and they are wary of her need to control
everyone any way that she can. Best of luck.
Will she ruin our wedding?
Probably. My FMIL is unreal. As if she hasn't done enough
to me this year, now she's demanding that we have the wedding that
SHE wants us to have. Here's the story: My FH and I decided
a long time ago that a big, traditional wedding was not for us.
We are both very private individuals, and believe that a wedding should
be about the two people choosing to get married, not about pleasing
family members or dealing with all the stress that goes along with
that. We plan to get the legal stuff out of the way with as
little pomp and circumstance as possible (we don't want either religion
or government to play too large a role in our wedding). And,
then we want to elope, just the two of us. Somewhere in the
woods we want to have a simple ceremony that is meaningful to us on
our own. We broke this news to FMIL six months ago. She
took it much better than we expected. She said that it was fine
with her, but she had one demand (yes, she used that word) - to throw
us a party sometime afterward with our friends and hers, as well as
family. Well, that was just fine with us. We'd love to
celebrate our marriage with a party after the fact. And, so,
we thought we'd dodged a bullet. And then, just this week, my
FMIL called and asked my FH when we were getting married, if we'd
narrowed down our plans yet (we are hoping to tie the knot next month).
He told her that we had hoped to take a trip and get hitched then,
but our plans had fallen through. She responded with, "Well,
that's good. I don't know how I would've managed to get to that
location for the wedding." My FH cautiously reminded her
that we had planned to elope, and that we had told her about it months
ago. She became very angry, and told him that she was his mother,
and it was a requirement that she be present at all of the important
events in his life. After much arguing, he ended the conversation
with, "Well, I'm not marrying you." I'm so proud of
him. Since anger didn't work, darling FMIL tried her next predictable
tactic to manipulate us into giving her her way: The passive-aggressive
e-mail. The one where she tried to make herself sound like the
wise, caring, and yet horribly victimized (by us) mother, and where
she patiently pointed out where we have erred. She said that
she was "shocked" to learn that we wish to elope, and lectured
us that marriage is about "extending families". She
recounted (as she has so many times before) that she and my FH's father
came from two different religious backgrounds, and that they "blended
two families despite the religious differences", which "took
effort, and sometime(s) compromises". She insinuated that
we'd hurt everyone in the family by eloping. She ended the e-mail
by saying that she and FFIL accepted me as part of the family (which,
in all fairness to her, she has never said a truly mean word to my
face, only behind my back). Plus, I think that by ending the
email this way, she is simply trying to play innocent and good.
Anyway, this is the e-mail that I sent her back. I think it's
quite tactful, considering that, after all she's put me through this
year, I'd like nothing more than to rant and rave at her (see "A
Christmas Story").
Hi, I read your message to (FH), and I have to admit, I'm disappointed.
I had thought that, after discussing this with you last spring, you
understood and were supportive of our decision. I want you to
know that there is nothing personal behind our decision to elope.
We both love all of our family members very much, and would like to
share our new marriage with everyone after the fact. In terms
of the actual wedding ceremony, however, we must do what has the most
meaning and significance to both of us. And, for us, the most
personal and meaningful way of binding ourselves to each other is
to do it alone, without anyone else present. Even the legal
"officiant" will not be there. We will get whatever
paperwork that is required by law signed with as little pomp and circumstance
as possible, and then we will continue with our plans on our own.
I agree with you that a marriage may indeed extend a family, but I
don't think that having family members present at the wedding ceremony
is a requirement for that. I am, of course, grateful and honored
to be included as a part of your family, and I know that DF has been
included by mine as well. I think it is always hard for parents
to understand why their children choose to break with tradition (but,
then, I'm sure you, of all people, know that). I hope that you
will come to accept and respect our decision, and know that this is
what will make the two of us happiest.
What do you all think? I'm waiting to hear her response.
Signed - I Must Really
Love Him!
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
You go girl!!!!
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
Viva Las Vegas! Go to Vegas and get a picture of you and an Elvis
preacher to send to her. That ought to make her blow a gasket!
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
FMIL apparently uses words like "demand" and "require"
too much. The good part is that you are not listening to her. You
may want to reconsider the demanded party as well if her response
to your e-mail isn't to your liking. If you tell people that you
are going to elope, it is not eloping. It's simply getting married
without inviting anyone.
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
I think that you should tell her that you haven't decided about the
date. Get hitched, and then, at a later date, tell her, "Oh,
we got married already. I thought I told you." This way she
can't bully you guys into doing it her way. Sometimes, they can be
so persistent and aggravating that even the staunchest resistance
will fall before the onslaught!
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
I have been on this site for over a year, and I have never seen a
story that was so close to my own before!! Thank God my MIL does
not have e-mail! The only difference is that we told MIL about three
weeks to a month before we got married. We still hear (three years
later) about all her friends who had children who eloped, but the
entire family got to tag along (to me that's just getting married
out of town "eloping"). My response is always the same,
"How wonderful for them!" LOL! I think that your e-mail
response was great, but MIL will probably find something in it to
offend her. Congratulations on having the wedding that you and your
DH wanted!!!
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
It sounds to me like you're confusing the wedding ceremony with the
honeymoon. Honeymoons should, of course, be totally private. I think
that you need to do some compromising. What would it hurt to have
a simple ceremony with only immediate family members present? Marriage
is a lot about compromise. And, yes, sometimes you have to compromise
with your in-laws. BTW, I'm not a MIL and my children are all years
away from marriage, since they are under 10.
RESPONSE: I Must Really Love Him!
It's a good email, but why not just be blunt and say, "Thanks
for the email, MIL. However, FH and I are not into passive-aggressive
mind-games." Trying to be nice to these people does nothing,
except prolong the agony.
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