I understand that unwanted advice
when you're pregnant is a necessary evil, but when it comes from
your MIL, it's kind of like a slap in the face. In the early
months, MIL doubted the fact that I was pregnant, and asked to see
my belly multiple times. I think it was to make sure that
I really was with child. DH came to all appointments (which
she thought were unnecessary, because she only had to see the doctor
once before she gave birth to her children), so I was bombarded
with, "What's the matter with you?" every time she heard
that we had one. Dinner at their place became really uncomfortable,
because she watched everything I ate (or didn't eat) and critiqued
my weight based on the amount of food that I had left over.
And, at their family Christmas get together, she got others involved
in her sick ritual! I was told that pregnancy was not the
time to watch my weight - sorry that grazing all day like a cow
wasn't making me fat enough! I was put on bed rest because
of an appendectomy that I'd had while I was 5 months pregnant (it
led to pre-term labor - I started dilating three months early).
As a result, I lost my job. MIL said that she had worked up
to the day that she gave birth, and I was using my "made up"
medical problems as an excuse not to have to work. She called
me "money hungry" because my DH gave me a very nice engagement
ring. She insists that I MADE him buy it because I'm greedy,
and that, even if DH had to work three jobs, I would never work
a day in my life again. I had my baby (almost a month early),
and, of course, the baby was underweight. Thank God the baby
looked like daddy, or else I would have never heard the end of the
paternity cr@p. She shunned the fact that I was going back
to school, and hated me breastfeeding. She kept bugging me
about when I would get baby on bottles so that DH and she could
feed baby, too. I think that she was angry because it was
something that she wasn't "able" to do herself for her
babies. MIL used to send money for baby, but when we heard
that she was accusing us of "stealing" it, we told her
where the baby's savings account was so that she could make deposits
there. She was furious, to say the least. She writes
baby letters about how it's not her fault that she can't see her
granddaughter, because her parents won't let her. We won't
let our child see her because she's a lunatic! She expects
us to drop our child off and not say a word to her when we do.
It ain't gonna happen while I'm alive. DH told her that she
has to have a relationship (demented or not) with me, or she can
forget having any say or responsibility over our child. But,
of course MIL doesn't believe that DH would ever think such a thing
because, you know, he doesn't have a mind of his own.
Signed - Only God And
An Army Could Make Me Let MIL See Her Again
0
3
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
My MIL is mean and hateful,
and probably will live for a thousand years. I used to believe
that she was SATAN in disguise, but I realize that she really does
have serious mental issues. My DH was bribed by cigarettes to
work as a child. DH now has serious back problems and trust
issues. She waits, till no one is around, to be sarcastic and
glare at me. The problems have increased since her husband has
died. She, basically, killed him. My FIL was very ill
in the hospital. Every phone call made the hairs on our necks
stand up, because this might be THE PHONE CALL. Instead, we
were told by his sister and mother that they were not going in that
evening, they were going to rest. Now, MIL lives within yelling
distance (next door neighbor - lucky me!). At two a.m. someone
was knocking on the door, and it was my DH's sister and MIL.
They were crying, saying that they were just in the hospital because
they'd gotten a call to say that FIL was dying, and now he is gone.
Not only did they not allow my husband and his brother to say their
last good-byes, they said that my DH and his brother would not be
able to handle his death. They did not give either one of them
the choice. My DH was very upset that someone would make that
decision for him, and I agreed. Ever since, she has gotten meaner
and more hateful, basically because I know that she should be ashamed
of herself. The day after FIL's death, MIL and sister threw
FIL's degree's away, and his personal possessions, in search for money.
Now, you wonder why I call her SATAN.
Signed - Disgusted and
Disenchanted
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Worst gift: For my first
Christmas (as being officially part of the family), my MIL gave me
a can of multipurpose cleaner, and nothing else. She gave my
DH the rest of our china that we had registered for, but it was addressed
to only him. The worst part of this is that my FIL works for
the company that makes this cleaner, so they get it for free.
And, she gave my DH and me several cans of it when we moved in to
our new place.
Signed - No Dust in My
House!
RESPONSE: No Dust in My House!
Send the cleaner and china back.
RESPONSE: No Dust in My House!
Thank her for the cleaner, and ask if it is the cleaner that she uses.
If it is, ask if they have an industrial strength version because
you want your house to really be clean.
RESPONSE: No Dust in My House!
Sometimes people give us things that they think may be useful to us
(hello, you're a wife, you probably do some cleaning now and again).
Her giving your husband china is not about him, it's about his MIL.
She gave the gift, it's about her. When people do things that appear
weird, there's probably a reason. Why don't you just ask her?
RESPONSE: No Dust in My House!
That's depressing. On the bright side, at least you will know what
to expect from her. If you're expecting it, it won't bother you as
much. The worst trouble I've had with my MIL's behavior is when I
haven't expected it. If it catches me by surprise, it hurts more.
If I expect it (I guess this is like being in a boxing match - if
you expect a blow, or if it catches you off guard!), it isn't so bad.
But, I know now that I definitely will never be good friends with
my MIL. I can only support my DH's kindness to her and avoid her
as much as possible myself.
I'm new to marriage (one
month), so I don't know the lingo on this site. But I'll try
my best. We were married in my hometown, across the country
from the in-laws. My amazing and generous parents paid for the
WHOLE wedding - soup to nuts. My husband and I paid for MIL
to fly out for the wedding shower. We bought her a new dress,
and we also paid for the MIL's wedding/rehearsal attire, including
shoes, hose, and flowers. We paid to fly her out and put her
up in our house (we even offered her the brand new bed that I've never
slept in, and my husband-to-be slept on the floor the whole week before
the wedding. We also paid for the good-for-nothing, quit-his-job-and-doesn't-bother-looking
brother to fly out, and bought his tux. The cousins also came,
and we put them up as well. I drew the line at renting cots
for the cousins, which they had requested, only because I had no freaking
idea where to rent a cot from. And, once I did find it, it would
have cost me more than renting a hotel room. Upon arrival, MIL
made clear to us that we were "cheapskates" for protesting
that the brother should pay for his own ticket, since he quit college
and the job voluntarily. She also told us that my family should
have flown her whole family out for the wedding, and not just her
and her son. I refrained from pointing out that the tradition
is that the groom's family usually pays for something. The brother
did not bother with a wedding gift. MIL gave us a coffeemaker
and coffee for our wedding. Then, she proceeded to drink all
of that coffee before I even opened the gift, because the brand-new,
unopened container of coffee that I purchased for the house was "cheap
and stale". The MIL requested a full album of pictures,
complements of my parents. Since we were tapped out from $800
worth of plane tickets, $400 worth of clothing, our own wedding attire,
the honeymoon, and food enough to feed the army of cousins, it would
have cost my parents $500. And, I, cheapskate once again, drew
the line and told her that we would put together an album for her.
Not a cheap proposition - it will still cost me about $150.
So, last week, I was starting to put together an album, and we receive
a 12-page nasty-gram in the mail. It told us that we must not
give a "rat's @ss" about MIL or we would have sent wedding
photographs by now. I work a minimum of 55 hours a week, and
my husband works more. We have worked on that album, for a little
while, every stinking night, and it will be done less than two months
after the wedding. Last night, I took all the good pictures
out of it. May God give me the grace to put them back in.
The letter also made it clear that MIL's life insurance policy is
being put into the name of the brother, because he obviously needs
the money more. Clearly, that's true, since he does not wish
to get a job. But, this really started last Christmas.
We could not fly across the country because we'd only been out of
school one year and really didn't have the vacation time. To
make up for it, we invited MIL to come for Easter, and we, of course,
paid for her trip. I sent MIL steak and shrimp for Christmas
dinner, as well as a new coat for her visit. I received nothing.
I know that she doesn't have lots of money, and I would never have
expected more than a card. But, I definitely did expect that.
Before you say it, I knew what I was getting into. Thank god
my husband backs me up fully and has agreed to live across the country
from his family, permanently.
Signed - Thank God They're
3000 Miles Away
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
Stop being so nice. That woman is a nasty, ill-mannered piece of
work. There is no need for her to be placing such a huge burden on
you at a time of great joy, and also of great stress. I wouldn't
send her the photo album. I would make her pay for her own. And,
no more presents until she understands that, while you give to give,
you do expect at least a little respect in return.
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
Don't send her anything else. Don't call her, don't write, and don't
go out of your way to be nice anymore. Get caller ID and an answering
machine, and change your number. Or, get the distinctive ring feature.
Give your friends and your family the new number, and let MIL ring
and ring on the old one. As far as her life insurance policy, since
BIL is the beneficiary, he can claim her body and pay for her funeral.
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
Wow, can I adopt you into my family? That steak and shrimp gift is
making me very hungry right now! Seriously, there is no "lingo"
on this site that would leave anybody out - I felt at home right away,
and you can, too! It's not at all intimidating. Welcome!
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
Do not waste another dime. She is rude, has no manners, and will
not change. No hard feelings, just stop the abuse. If you receive
another nasty gram, respond with the truth: You were not raised to
behave in the same manner that she is behaving. You do not ask, nor
do you owe her or anyone else a free ride, and you are both deeply
offended. I feel for your husband - that has to be embarrassing.
Life is too short to worry about such people. Thank God you are not
that way, that your parents are not that way, and you will never raise
your children to be that way.
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
I hope that you wise up and quit buying for them and footing all the
bills before you go broke!!
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
I don't think that you should exchange gifts with them. Decide now
that your happiness as newlyweds is your top priority! Have as little
contact with them as possible. Go on fun trips with DH. Do not use
an answering machine. Toss any letters from your MIL into a box and
pack it away for later viewing when you can laugh about it!
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
Poor dear. At least you know what you're getting into early. Just
file it away and remember it whenever you have the insane idea of
"Doing something REALLY NICE" for the ungrateful cow. It
took me years to learn that my ILs weren't just "forgetful",
they were actually malicious and mean. Now, I just don't bother with
the really nice, heartfelt, thoughtful presents. They didn't notice
the niceness before, and now I feel less taken for granted.
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
I hope that you listed everything that you have done for her and her
family, and emailed that back to her. Sometimes people need reminding
of their ingratitude.
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
Neither the couple nor the bride's side of the family is obligated
to pay for anyone's plane ticket. Noooooooo ma'am!!!! Where did
you get the notion that you were supposed to do any of this? They
want to come to your wedding, and they are supposed to pay for it.
They are supposed to be honored that they got invited, and not make
you pay for them, like you owe them something. That is not what a
wedding is about. You let those people walk all over you. I would
have told her to knock it off. And, no, I wouldn't even have sent
her an album or paid for it. The only people who got a $150 album
in my wedding was DH and me. Everyone else is a guest who was honored
to share that day with us. And, no, you don't owe the b@stards a
plane ticket to attend your wedding ceremony, as if you owe them for
their presence on YOUR special day. THAT IS BS!!!!!!!
RESPONSE: Thank God They're 3000 Miles Away
I think that you married my DH's TWIN (or, at least, a twin of my
MIL!). My MIL actually didn't make it out to the wedding, but the
lead up was about the same. DH and his mom don't talk much. She
lives about 1500 mile away. We are both grad students and live on
a very small stipend, so plane tickets home are prohibitively expensive.
So, I haven't met her (she obviously won't fly out here). She finally
returned our calls to tell her that we were engaged, and then proceeded
to not talk to DH or me for 6 months (?). She has not returned any
phone calls (the wedding is now in 3 months). Then, she called FIL,
her ex-DH of almost 30 years. This is what FIL told us she said:
She had arranged for time off from her job (remember that for later),
and that a friend had purchased a plane ticket for her. Great! She
was coming! BUT, she did not have money to pay for a hotel. OK,
we could probably arrange that. She couldn't stay with us in our
tiny 1 bedroom apartment, plus she chain smokes. Also, she couldn't
afford a rental car. Umm, OK, we'll eat packages of noodle soup for
a while longer (remember, we are both poor science grad students in
the 10% tax bracket). The important thing is that she be there for
her only child's wedding. Then, she said that she didn't have a thing
to wear! We were going to have to purchase her clothing??? A self-sufficient
adult was expecting her only child to feed, clothe, and house her?
Normally, I wouldn't have a problem assisting family or friends monetarily
(even though we don't have much), but this is getting ridiculous.
I gritted my teeth audibly, mentally inventorying my closet to see
if I had something appropriate. Then, there was the last straw:
Upon finding out where we were honeymooning (which was an incredibly
generous wedding gift from FIL), she said, "Must be nice. Are
her mommy and daddy paying for that, too?" I hit the ceiling!
My father was the first and ONLY one in his family to go to college.
I grew up poor and learned to save money (Theme park vacations? No,
we went to a National Forest Park an 1 hour away. New car on my 16th
birthday? Heck no! My parents never had a new car: Used only!),
and now this B!TCH, who has never met me, is insulting my family???
AND, she is expecting us to pay for HER? I was furious, but the problem
solved itself: She called one week before the wedding and left a
message saying that she couldn't get off from work (see above) and
wouldn't be coming (to her only child's wedding). And, we haven't
heard from her since. Never pay for ANYTHING for your ILs again.
Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories and
responses received will be posted as early as our resources will allow.
Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then posted, all at
once, to the original story page at a later date (generally, one set of
responses will be posted per day).
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
