Frequent
Fry Her TM
- trapped, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 13-NOV-03
I pride myself on being independent, yet MIL doesn't
respect this. She constantly treats me like a child.
I am 24. I have a 23 month old daughter and a 6 month old
son. Yet she thinks that she can manage my own children better
than I can. She always takes over in an attempt to "help".
I feel that she thinks that I need help in order to be insulting.
Would you? She borrowed a book from a friend on "How
To Be A Better Mother " and gave it to me. I have complete
confidence in my mothering skills, and felt this was a rude gesture.
Would you feel the same?
Signed - Trapped
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Worst gift: A few weeks
after I had our third child, I attended Christmas at my in-laws.
When my MIL and GMIL handed out presents, they said, "We didn't
get YOU anything. Let us know when you lose some of that weight
and we'll take you shopping." I was floored! This
actually topped the time that my MIL gave me a shoe box for Christmas
with little pieces of cardboard inside of it and told me, "Now
you can get organized!" UGH.
Signed - What A Woman
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
MIL and FIL didn't approve
of my marriage to DH. I really was hurt, but I shrugged it off.
I have been married for just over a year, and MIL and I fake getting
along when we are together, which isn't often, as they live a state
away. My DH was diagnosed with cancer, and now I have to put
up with MIL every time we go in the hospital. She is driving
us crazy. My DH and I are very positive people. We believe
that we can beat this with that kind of attitude. Instead, her
attitude is to worry about everything. When DH was first put
into the hospital, the doctors said that it would be a month till
he got out. Well, my DH did so well that he was out in three
weeks. MIL sat there and cried, and said that she didn't want
us to go home (this is just one of her crying moments). DH was
very upset, but handled it well. He pretty much told her to
suck it up, that this is supposed to be a happy thing. Of course,
she was just upset because she was told ahead of time that she couldn't
come home with us. My FIL only did one thing to upset us during
our hospital stay, and that was to pitch a fit about us making a donation
so that we could have a family later. During all of his fighting
with my family, he never said why. I just got mad and threw
everyone out. Even with his objection, we went ahead and did
what we wanted to do. Now, our second visit to the hospital
went pretty much the same, except there was no FIL. MIL sat
in the hospital, not talking, with a frown on her face. If she
did talk, it was to worry about this and that. There was never
a positive or funny conversation. My DH lost his temper a few
times. We were there for two weeks, and after one week we wanted
to ask her to leave, but we didn't. DH will soon have his third
stay, and we have asked her not to come. I'm driving myself
nuts, because I think that she will just show up, even when she was
specifically told not to. I even have thought of my comments
if she does show up. Will I use them? Probably not.
But I'd rather be prepared.
Signed - tootie_bee
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
I'm sorry that you and your DH are going through this, but I think
that your positive attitude is great! Would DH be willing to set
MIL straight if she decides to come to the hospital anyway? If not,
I would just pretend that she's not there. Just look right through
her. Don't involve her in any conversations or answer any questions
for her. It is rude of her to show up when you don't want her there,
so I would be rude right back to her. Good luck!
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
All you guys have to do is tell the nurses that you need a time limit
for company and they will help you out completely. I wouldn't completely
not let her come to see him. He is her son. But, I definitely can
see what you're saying about not wanting someone who is a major source
of negative energy sitting in the room with the person who needs that
last in the world. Laughter is the best medicine. Good luck. You
and DH can beat this. It's been done many times before. Make sure
that you keep his spirits up and laughing. It's the best thing in
the world.
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
I'm not sure how much help I can be. But, I have cancer as well,
and I am having trouble with my MIL. She also thinks that this entire
illness is about her, and that it only affects her. She used to corner
me, crying about how this is so sad for HER and how it's hurting HER.
I put up with it for a bit, but I finally put my foot down. Make
it extremely clear that this IS NOT about her or her feelings. You
are both dealing with unusual amounts of stress. Anything contributing
to that that can be eliminated will be better for DH's health. Express
this to MIL and see if she backs off. If not, eliminate her from
the hospital visits. Although it may be seen as mean, your DH's health
is way more important than some hurt feelings.
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
I can understand why she is worried, but just tell her the truth -
how her attitude, comments and sadness are impacting the situation.
Tell her that her role as mother is to do what is best for her child,
and that this is what is best. If she can not honor your request,
then have her removed from the hospital. A positive attitude is ALWAYS
the best method. And what mother has not put on a happy face just
to make the situation better? My prayers are with you.
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
If you and DH are in agreement about not wanting her there, then make
sure that the hospital staff knows this. If she shows up, then tell
her, point blank, that she was asked not to come, and will not be
allowed to visit. Do NOT let her go against your wishes if, all she
is going to do is cause grief. That is definitely NOT helpful to
DH's recovery!
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
I'm sure that DH has been in and out of the hospital since you originally
wrote this, but I thought I would offer this anyway. If you really
don't want her and FIL there, then tell the hospital staff that they
are not permitted anywhere near your DH. You can also tell them not
to put calls through, too. Talk to the doctors and let them know
the situation and how she is not helping.
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
Don't inform them of hospital stays until they are a done deal. If
you don't want them there, why risk that they'll just show up in spite
of being asked not to. Alternatively, if they do just show up, you
can just ask them to leave. If they refuse, the hospital staff can
convince them. Good luck to both of you!
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
Be sure to talk to the medical staff at the hospital. Make it clear
that your MIL is not to be admitted into your DH's room. His doctor
can make a note of it on the chart. Explain to the doctor that her
behavior is just too trying, and her negative attitude is hard on
you both. Your MIL will not be the first one, visitors have been
asked to leave before, and can be escorted by security if needed.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
You should get the hospital to post NO VISITORS in his file. Make
sure that his nurses know this. They can be wonderful at interceding
for a family member. Use them as a buffer. Tell the witch that the
doctors have ordered a no visitors clause this time, as DH needs rest.
And, play up that it may be a much tougher treatment this round so
that you need to rest. Good luck with this. You two must keep a
positive outlook, and God Bless you.
RESPONSE: tootie_bee
Your ILs know WAY too much about your private life. Why should they
have known about DH's "donation"? How do they know when
DH goes into the hospital? Don't tell them.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- thorn in MIL's side DIL, 4 of 4 needed/Posted: 13-NOV-03
I have read so much here in the past week. It
is really helpful to know that I'm not alone. I am just going
to vent about snubs from MIL and BIL's wife. I come from a large
family. We may not always get along, but we do love each other,
and will fight to the death for each other. I'm talking about
5 siblings, 8 nieces and nephews, and tons of cousins. Because
of this, I learned to cook for a large group. I've finally gotten
it to where I can cook for two. And, when we spent those 10
years in Europe, I picked up a lot of great recipes. According
to MIL, there is only one way to eat spaghetti - with red sauce.
Now, I love marinara, but I like to change it out with pesto or carbonara
sauce (and for great linguine with white clam sauce, use flat champagne
instead of regular white wine). MIL's way of cooking pasta leaves
me speechless. She puts a pot of water on the stove and lets
the unbroken spaghetti sit in it while she waits for it to come to
a boil. She browns hamburger and sausage and adds it to the
tomato sauce without draining it. Just the tip of a spoon is
all she uses to add oregano and basil. But the garlic!!
She will put in a full 2 heaping tablespoons! Now, I like garlic,
but I will balance it out with other seasonings. By the time
she is done with this, the pasta is cooked to mush. BIL's wife
used to make the best sauce (with bell peppers, onions and mushrooms).
But, for some reason, she now makes spaghetti and sauce the same way
as MIL. I don't eat it. I learned from an Italian restaurant
owner how to make some of the best sauce you'll ever taste.
With this recipe, I won a cooking contest at my husband's command
a few years ago). I can actually cook quite well, but according
to MIL and SIL, I can't cook like them. They are right, in a
manner of speaking. I can't and don't cook like them, overcooking
my vegetables as well as the pasta, not using seasonings, and not
using leavening agents when I make biscuits. How can you not
use baking powder or yeast in your biscuits? MIL makes the best
sausage gravy, but her biscuits are what you'd call hard tack.
No fluffiness, and she always forgets them, letting them burn on the
bottom. MIL no longer cooks the holiday meals. I don't
blame her. She's done her time in the kitchen for the holidays.
SIL took over. This occurred while we lived in Europe.
MIL would want us to fly home for the holidays, which was always possible.
At DH's command the deal was that you got leave for the holidays every
other year, so that everyone could go home for at least one Christmas,
if they wanted to. You could usually take "a hop"
(fly for a small fee on a military transport, uncomfortable, long
and almost always needing to catch another flight to your destination),
but you needed to be able to buy commercial tickets if there were
hops back across the pond. That wasn't too much of problem for
us. Anyhow, we would get home when we could. SIL would
be cooking away and refusing help, including the dishes. Once
we were seated, it would start, "I shouldn't be standing so much,
I have a bad back from being a waitress. I shouldn't be smelling
so much different food, I have bad sinuses from smoking. I shouldn't
be around so much food, it sets my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
off." On and on it goes. Then BIL got pissed because
"no one ever offers to help SIL." Strange, I know
for a fact that I offered to help. DH has heard me, and has
heard SIL refuse. MIL acts as if I can't cook, and am too lazy
to offer SIL any help, preferring instead to sit on my fat @ss.
Ah, well, the price one pays for love, I guess. SIL also loves
jewelry. She has a large array of rings with different stones.
She claimed that BIL sent her these rings from overseas while he was
a merchant marine. And, I admit, I was jealous of the love BIL
expressed for her, as DH is not very demonstrative. But, one
day DH let it slip that merchant marine ships usually put into port
just long enough to load and unload, and that all hands are needed
at such times. I wondered about how BIL could go shopping for
SIL all the time. Then, one day she and I were going shopping.
She stopped at a pawn shop, and when she came out, had a new ring!
She told me her secret. She would buy, on time, jewelry that
other people had been forced to pawn for one reason or another.
She would then tell MIL that BIL had sent it to her, just in case
MIL saw it on her hand. I stopped being jealous. DH is
still not as demonstrative as I would like, especially in private.
But he does love me, and will occasionally surprise me. I have
a very nice collection going. MIL wonders why I need any jewelry,
as DH has to work too hard for his money! As for the jewelry,
when I die it is to be divided among my nieces. All we ever
heard was how hard DH worked for his money, and all I did was burn
it. For the record, DH is a white collar worker. BIL is
the blue collar worker. Nothing to be ashamed of, for either
one. It's just that I think BIL works a little bit harder for
his money, and SIL really does burn it. Remember, she changes
her entire house every three years. Her brother is next door
to being a millionaire, so she spends as if she has his income.
I don't have 7 pairs of jeans for the summer, and a DIFFERENT set
of 7 jeans for winter. I don't have so much clothing that I
have to store half of it at MIL's house. I don't buy jewelry
from a pawn shop. But, I guess the worst insult was when SIL
got MIL hooked into going to a hairdresser whom they claimed was the
brother of a very famous hairstylist. When I mentioned on one
of our few trips home that I needed the attention of a hairdresser,
SIL informed me that this guy didn't take just anybody, that you needed
a reference. Just anybody? A reference? Wow!
I went to a small salon, and one of the dressers just happened to
be a friend from school. He gave me a great style. Now,
imagine my surprise when I found that this famous stylist has a sister,
but no brother. It all stopped when BIL found out that SIL was
spending fifty dollars a pop every two weeks to have her perm kept
up, touched up, teased and tousled. When a friend of theirs
mentioned that SIL always looked like she had just gotten out of bed,
BIL made her change her hairstyle. By that time, I was wearing
French braids and such. She asked me to show her how to do it,
as she'd never worn a French braid. I did, and she got a lot
of compliments on it. Now, she acts as if I got the idea from
her. Geez, give credit where credit is due. I just hate
the set of double standards that MIL has for both her DILs.
My mom is the total opposite. Of course, my older brother never
married, and my younger brother is divorced. But, mom doesn't
do her DILs that way. But, I guess it's not fair of me to compare
my mom (who, by the way, can have her moments, as everyone does) with
MIL, who makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like Glenda, the
Good Witch of the North. Anyhow, we are still at 17 months (and
counting) of no contact with DH's family. Wahoo. Yay.
Yowza. Yehaw. Hip, hip hooray . . .
Signed - Peace, Y'all
RESPONSE: Peace, Y'all
Does your oh-so-superior attitude make you feel better?
RESPONSE: Peace, Y'all
Wow, this is the most self-involved story that I have ever read.
RESPONSE: Peace, Y'all
With all due respect, your complaints about your ILs sound petty.
I wonder if they sense that you feel quite superior to them.
RESPONSE: Peace, Y'all
You are very judgmental of your MIL and SIL, but you can't handle
it when they voice their opinions of you. You should relax.
RESPONSE: Peace, Y'all
I'm sorry, I didn't read all this posting. It kind of went on a bit!
It seemed to be mainly about spaghetti, tomato sauce, 2 heaping spoons
of garlic, a bad back from waitressing etc., etc., ermm!!! Is it
really worth getting yourself upset about?! Cook your way, and let
them cook their way. There are far more important things in life,
like health and getting on with people! Take some time to read some
of the stories on this site and you will soon see that you have it
relatively easy!
RESPONSE: Peace, Y'all
OMG. My MIL and SIL are the same way in that they can't cook, yet
they do most, if not all of the cooking at every family gathering
(ALWAYS held at their house). ONE TIME, they came to our place for
Xmas, and MIL ate some appetizer dip and refused to eat my meal, claiming
that she'd filled up on crackers. I know that I am a good cook.
I have received many compliments. I just wish that, at the very least,
they would broaden their horizons beyond spaghetti, ham (charred),
burnt chicken, potato salad and shrimp "scampi". They rarely
have vegetables to eat. If they do, it is usually corn or iceberg
lettuce. Whatever sort of potato they have ever served me has been
such a mess that I can't even look at it, let alone eat it. They
cook so many things with lard. It is difficult for me to choose what
to eat and what not to. MIL knows about certain things that I do
not, nor have I ever eaten. Yet, every time she makes these dishes,
she tries to make me eat some. It gets hard to politely refuse after
a certain amount of time. Then, she will cook something that I actually
LIKE, and say, "I know that you don't like this, so I made you
THIS instead." It's usually burnt, unseasoned chicken. UGH!
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