When we were engaged, my
MIL sat my then 23 year old DH down to explain to him that, due to
their religious beliefs (my MIL's religious beliefs, not ours), we
were not permitted to use birth control. She then went on to
describe Natural Family Planning to him in detail, using his sister
as an example. First of all, who wants to think about what his
sister and her husband are doing behind closed doors, but, more importantly,
since when is it her business what WE are doing??
Signed - MIL With A Dirty
Mind
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My MIL makes me sick!
This morning, my DH's GM passed away in the hospital. Yesterday,
my MIL was already talking about who was going to get what when GM
passed away. It was more like, "This is what I'm getting,
so, oh well." This woman couldn't even wait till GM passed
to discuss it. She just did it right there at the hospital.
Plus, DH's aunts and uncles weren't even informed that their mother
was in the hospital, or that she had passed, for that matter.
MIL's excuse is that she cannot contact them because she doesn't have
their phone number. I'm sorry, but a person can at least try.
My MIL did the same thing to DH's GF (by marriage). She took
everything, without his children's knowledge, and left them the leftovers
that she didn't want. I know that I have to go to the funeral
for DH, but I just don't want to talk to MIL. Would it be wrong
if I didn't go to the thing afterward where everyone gets together
to eat? MIL and I do not get along. I think that she is
a horrid person for the way that she was, and always will be.
But, I don't want to be in a position were I have to talk to her.
Signed - Sick and Confused
RESPONSE: Sick and Confused
Someone has died here, and you are worried about your relationship
with MIL? How about being supportive for your DH, instead of being
self-centered, for just one day? Go to the funeral and ignore the
MIL.
RESPONSE: Sick and Confused
At least you are going to the services. That's good enough. You
don't have to go to the luncheon afterwards. Plus, it's smart of
you to stay out of this horrid little mess that MIL has created with
her own siblings. There will be, for sure, a lot of trouble because
of her actions.
RESPONSE: Sick and Confused
Don't go. I wouldn't. It's nice that you go to the ceremony to support
DH, but there really is no need for either of you to go the luncheon/reception
afterwards. Many people opt out of those for a myriad of reasons.
Good luck to you.
RESPONSE: Sick and Confused
Umm. Your MIL is getting away with being a thief. Your DH should
contact his relatives, if MIL won't. Get someone to GM's house IMMEDIATELY
to guard against her stealing anything.
DH and I have been married
for a year and a half, and we have a one year old daughter.
I am an only child, and my husband has a younger brother. We
all used to get along until our daughter was about a month old.
The younger BIL started dating a girl (yes, girl) who we thought was
great! After a few months, the real girl came out. I can't
stand her, and neither can anyone else in the family. Well,
being myself, I told the BIL that I didn't like his girlfriend and
I didn't want her around our daughter. Now, I am a b!tch for
not liking this girl. So, we are not on speaking terms.
Several months went by, and it was time for our daughter's 1st birthday
party. We had it in a state park (no drinking allowed).
Everyone showed up. My BIL and FIL decided to go to the liquor
store to get beer. It upset my DH and me. I guess my story
boils down to this: My MIL called me up the day after the birthday
party and told me that I am the root of all the problems between her
two sons. She told me that I had to like the BIL's girlfriend
(the BIL runs to mommy with all of his problems - she fights all of
his battles for him). Also, she told me that it was my fault
that she didn't see her granddaughter for 2 1/2 months. The
amount of time was 1 month, and it was when my DH was out of state
and starting a new job, and I wasn't going to drive 130 miles round-trip
with an 8 month old by myself. Why couldn't she get her head
out of her other son's @ss and drive down here to see us??.
What I am trying to say is this: How do I deal with my in-laws
when they treat their sons so differently??" They treat
my husband like cr@p. He moved out when he was 18, and has been
on his own ever since (he moved out because he couldn't get along
with my MIL). My BIL just moved out of his parent's home this
past Christmas. He was 22. He is a big mooch (he moved
in with his girlfriend and her mother). I can't take the unfair
treatment! I was bought up to think that you should treat all
of your children equally. I know that I didn't have any brothers
or sisters, but I did have cousins. Whatever my parents got
for me, they got for my cousins, too!! Also, the only reason
that his parents want to see us is so that they can see the grandchildren.
My FIL only takes off from work for the BIL (he is a workaholic -
12/7, and spends no time with my husband, but he dedicates days to
the BIL). DH and I are expecting our second child in mid March.
When DH called my MIL to tell her the good news, she started on him
about me needing to shut my mouth about the BIL's GF. No one
in his family has told us that they are happy that they are going
to have another grandchild. I am totally hurt. My husband's
family makes me sick to my stomach. I do not know how to deal
with people who are so messed up. Please help!!
Signed - I Would Love Some
Input
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
Why do you let these people's poison into your life? There are neighbors
and friends who, I am sure, are kind to you and love you. Surround
yourselves with these people. Blood does NOT always mean commitment
and strong ties. These people are sick, and apples don't fall far
from the tree. Take your healthy DH, kids, and get the he!! out of
Dodge.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
You do need to shut your mouth about your BIL's GF. Do not bad mouth
her. You have no right to do that. You can choose not to have her
around your daughter, and that is your right. But, who your BIL dates
is really none of your business. And. by choosing to make it your
business, you are alienating your husband's family.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
These people are who they are, and they aren't going to change. If
they are truly as horrible as they sound, I would simply stop dealing
with them altogether (no visits, no calls, no invites, no anything)
and focus my efforts on the family members who were worth my time.
After all, I would not want these toxic people in my children's lives
either. If they get a chance to ask, simply tell them that their
presence in your lives brings you only pain. And, for that reason
you've decided not to have them in your lives at all. It will be
painful for DH to give up the dream of a close and happy family, but
he should realize that it will never happen, and move on with his
life.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
Just cut them off. If they don't care about you, then just cut them
off completely.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
It sounds like a cross-country move is in order. As long as you are
civil to your BIL's girlfriend (if she is civil to you), they can't
dictate if you like her. Affection, like respect, has to be earned.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
You were wrong. You could have kept your opinion to yourself. If
the tables were turned and your BIL's girlfriend said that she did
not like you, you would expect DH and family to defend you. You do
not sound like the type of person to do what is right, apologize,
make amends and remain silent for a change.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
It's really none of your business what kind of a relationship your
ILs have with each other. I can also understand why they are so upset
with you for badmouthing the BIL's GF. You don't have to like her,
but you do have to respect that BIL has chosen her. You wouldn't
like it if you were the one being badmouthed.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
Talk to your DH and decide together how you both will behave around
his family. The important thing is to make the decision together.
Support each other in whatever the decision is, and do not to let
them cause a rift in your relationship. I will say this again, move
far away if it is possible. The distance has been a blessing to my
DH and me. So we didn't have much help with the kids when they were
small. They turned out great, and respect their extended family when
we get together. They are clueless to the nasty behavior because
I have not allowed them to be exposed to it. You have to protect
your children as well. I wish you good luck.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
I'd only talk to them when and if it is necessary. If there are any
questions about the "limited contact" from MIL, either you
or DH should tell her that when you guys are treated like family,
you will act like family. Until then, you are acquaintances. Nothing
says that you have to like BIL's new girlfriend. She should be the
one worrying about how the family likes her.
RESPONSE: I Would Love Some Input
Don't bother driving to see them. If MIL wants to see the kids, she
will come to you. Don't sweat them. They are scum.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- marzipan, 2 of 4 needed/Posted:
14-NOV-03
Okay, DH and I met when I was sixteen. We were
friends for a few years. We started dating seriously before
my 19th birthday. We were at each others' apartments all of
the time. He kicked his cr@ppy roommate out the following
spring, and I moved in. I didn't meet his parents for another
couple of months, because he (I thought jokingly) said that he wanted
to wait so that they wouldn't scare me off. He said that I
was one of the very few girlfriends whom he ever introduced them
to. He took me to some family functions to introduce me around.
I am picture phobic, and have been since childhood. Everyone
has always been understanding about this. MIL, however, is
a compulsive picture taker. She doesn't even have a single
album. She just throws them in a drawer. DH explained
my phobia to her and she laughed. She said, "Well, I'll
just have to sneak up on you then!" Nice. Imagine
having arachnophobia and having someone follow you about with a
jar of spiders. Then, at Passover, lots of extended family/friends
were at her house. She made a big deal about giving me huge
squashing hugs in front of them saying, "In this family, we
HUG!" Now I should also add that at that point I began
a break from my undergraduate studies that lasted three years, due
to stress and anxiety. I had two years under my belt, and
I was working at this time. I was also in therapy, and on
meds to help with my anxiety from which I have almost fully recovered
now. I graduate this May. Anyway, back to things.
DH and I got our own place. DH and I got engaged that November,
and we scheduled our wedding for the following November, the same
day as our engagement. MIL really started to show her true
colors then. My parents invited me, DH, and PIL's to a restaurant
for an engagement dinner. It was a disaster. My mom
tried to be friendly and said, "Well, our children our getting
married. That makes us family. How about a hug?"
MIL stared her down and said haughtily, "I don't hug."
Um, see above. The whole dinner was cold and uncomfortable.
My mother still can't eat there. Then MIL and SIL1 wanted
to throw a shower for me. I was very touched, but explained
that I had social anxiety disorder, and didn't think that I could
handle all of those people focusing on me without DH there.
Also, we had been living on our own for a while now, and didn't
really need anything. My friends already knew all this, and
that was why they didn't throw one. They looked at me like
I was crazy and said, "Too bad. You're having one anyway.
What will people think if we don't?" Gee, thanks.
I kept protesting that I truly did not want a shower, and they declared
that they would make it a surprise so that I couldn't skip it.
"You'll never know when it might be!", they would remind
me. Do you even know what that DOES to a person with severe
anxiety? DH explained this to them, and they gave in resentfully.
They still complain about this. My parents were paying for
the entire wedding. PIL's said that they would pay for alcohol
and the rehearsal dinner, but that it was to be deducted from our
wedding gift. Now, why would you tell someone that?
They were psychos throughout the whole planning. They gave
me holy hell about the wedding time because they said it was inconvenient
for them and their friends (they're all retired), and that I was
only thinking of MY family's convenience. A good chunk of
my family are Orthodox Jews, hence our wedding was on a Sunday at
4:00 pm. FIL yelled at me in my own home about what an "inconsiderate
girl" I was. DH didn't stand up for me much then, and
it was all a mess. MIL and SIL2 mocked the wedding site, my
dress, our honeymoon destination, everything. SIL1 was still
pretty nice at this point, despite the bridal shower thing.
I seriously thought about calling everything off. They were
giving me lots of cr@p about school, too. Like it was any
of their business. Then MIL wanted to know if she could do
a "traditional Jewish dance". When the mother of
the groom is marrying off her last child, she wears a crown of flowers
and the wedding guests dance around her. Um, big fat NO there.
I might add that my uncle is the rabbi who married us, and her never
heard of such a thing. Pretty convenient "tradition"
too, I might add. MIL sulked about this, but we figured it
was done. Then she wanted to have an aufrauf a week before
the wedding. This is a REAL Jewish tradition where the groom
is called to the Torah as an honor, and when he leaves the platform,
the synagogue members cheer him and shower him with sweets as he
walks down. It's very nice and I thought it sounded like fun.
Then I found out that I was supposed to do this and had never heard
of the bride doing this as well. I was raised religiously,
and although I am not religious anymore, I do not believe in women
reading from the Torah or wearing yarmulkes or prayer shawls, and
I said that it violated my religious beliefs and that my anxiety
would prevent me from doing this before hundreds of people, anyway.
You would have thought that I had killed someone. I finally
gave in and thought that it might help us all get along. I
was shaking the whole time that we waited be called. My teeth
were chattering, and I was near tears the whole time. We went
up and I hid behind DH, but I did go up there and I was very polite
and didn't make a scene or anything. I know that I could have
done a lot better, but I did the best I could at the time.
After we came down, I walked out the back of the auditorium because
the panic was just too intense. My mom and DH came out with
me and were comforting me. MIL was very rude to my mom for
trying to make me feel better, and my mom snapped at her.
So MIL went back in. DH offered to take me home, but I said
that I needed some time to myself and I would meet him at home after
services, where we would then head to the little party at PIL's
afterwards. MIL never thanked me or said anything kind, and
FIL called the next to day to let me know what a horrible job that
I did. Now, here's the deal with the "after-party".
My mom's parents and some siblings and their families are Orthodox
Jews. They do not drive on the Sabbath and they keep kosher
as well. MIL was upset that she couldn't have a big, showy
party at the synagogue after, but family members would have no way
to get there. So she agreed to have it at her house.
She lives around the corner from my uncle, so the Orthodox relatives
could stay at his house and walk over to hers. Very convenient.
PIL's also do not keep kosher, and, therefore, had to buy prepared
food. Because it is often more expensive, I offered to reimburse
them because it was my family. They got very huffy and refused,
yet complained about the cost at every opportunity. They also
had to use plastic-ware and things because they did not keep kosher.
MIL complained that everyone would think she was cheap. Whatever.
There were also real knives that had to be made kosher for cutting
vegetables and bread and things. I told MIL that I would be
happy to have this taken care of. She refused to give me the
damned knives, saying that I was wrong. Um, I think that I
know what I'm talking about here. She finally gave them to
me after a temper tantrum. She was a huge bitch the day of
the wedding, of course. She made my mom move her car because
it was brushing against the driveway, stupid stuff like that.
My uncle, the rabbi, whose @Ss she had been kissing because he is
a rabbi, cannot stand her. One of my bridesmaids had to leave
before she killed MIL. It was just a huge nightmare.
MIL never congratulated us or anything. I felt so sick.
The following Thursday night was the rehearsal dinner. The
PIL's were paying, and it had to be at a kosher restaurant because
of my family. There are a few in town, and she asked where
I wanted to have it. I said, "Anywhere but X."
Guess where it was? At the actual rehearsal, they almost had
me in tears again, making fun of everything. At dinner she
and FIL didn't make a toast, never congratulated us, didn't even
get us a card, a little gift or anything. My parents got cards
for us and were so excited that they were just grinning from ear
to ear. PILs just sat and looked sullen. We gave our
groomsmen, the bridesmaids, the ring bearer and the flower girls
their gifts. Several of the children in the wedding were DH's
nieces and nephews. One flower girl's gift got left at home
by mistake. My mom is a first grade teacher and is very good
with kids. The nieces were very understanding, and my mom
even offered to go home and get the other. So the fiasco ended,
and we all went home. DH and I decided that we wouldn't see
each other until I walked down the aisle on Sunday, so I went home
and he went to the best man's house. Saturday night I got
a call from SIL1 bitching me out for forgetting the flower girl
gift and pretty much accusing me of doing it on purpose. I
felt like I had been slapped. We had always gotten along,
and now this. She told me how selfish and thoughtless I was.
Sorry, I was a little preoccupied with getting married. I
tried to defend myself and apologized for the oversight, but she
wouldn't shut up. I felt bad enough about it, and was so jittery
about the wedding that I just hung up on her. I went to my
parent's house very upset. My sister, who was 16, and my MOH
were furious. My sister called SIL1. She was very polite
and said, "You know, I'm sure that you can remember what it
was like being a nervous bride. I know how your DD might have
felt, but this is not an appropriate thing to call my sister about
the night before her wedding." SIL1 started screaming
and sobbing, and slammed the phone down. She called the PIL,
who had taken DH to dinner. So, now DH had to deal with this,
too. It was awful. I went home and fell asleep, and
then I went to my parents in the morning. We all headed to
the wedding site.
Signed - It Was Awful
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