Mother-In-Law Stories November 16, 2003

Frequent Fry Her^TM - marzipan, 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 16-NOV-03
About a week after we got home, SIL1 called and said that things were really tense, and that she wanted to know what was up, and how to make things better. She said that she had some questions to ask and that we didn't have to answer anything we didn't want to. I thought that in her own way, she was trying to help, and I was grateful. So, she came over and started asking really nosey questions about school and stuff. She told me that I just needed to "get over" my anxiety and that we were unfair to MIL at the wedding, aufrauf, etc. Then, she told us that they had all speculated that I was never going back, and was going to drop out, get pregnant, and never work. She started saying other horrible things about me that they had "wondered about". Again, I was in tears. Did DH throw her out? Nope. While I was crying, they sat and looked at honeymoon pictures. I swore that I was going to leave him. I hated him so much right then, and I just knew that I had ruined my life. I decided to write a letter to the PILs. It was not rude, but I did address everything SIL1 had mentioned, plus some other stuff. I told them that next time there were any concerns, they should let me know, so that things wouldn't build up and we could communicate better. I was so proud of that letter! It was very diplomatic, and I foolishly thought that it would fix everything. They wrote back with a curt, rude reply, talking about how everything was my fault, and that I had ruined the wedding for MIL by upsetting her! That was it. I told DH that he needed to make them come to therapy, or I was finished. They brought a list of all the things that I had "done to them", including brainwashing DH (don't I wish that I could sometimes), being cruel to GPILs (MIL should talk!), and "deliberately excluding youngest niece to hurt her feelings". Other complaints were that I didn't help in the kitchen or clear the table on holidays, and that I never said hello to MIL. In DH's family, the women do the serving and stuff, while the men sit. That's part of why my therapist called them chauvinists. MIL also lied about some stuff that she had written in her letter. Unluckily for her, I brought it with me. She (MIL) said that I should apologize for making her feel so uncomfortable at my wedding, because she hadn't known about the dance, and her friends surprised her with it. Mmm-hmm. DH actually believed this. The in-laws never came back after the second visit, when they saw that the therapist was not buying their cr@p. After many months, DH came to see them for what they really are. They have pulled lots more stunts, but he is recognizing them as they happen now, not after the fact, like before. He is even getting a good sense of humor about them, and is able to make jokes, which he could never do before. He hasn't cut them out, but he calls them on their behavior and does not leave my side at family functions. It's getting better. He is beginning to understand that he isn't 10 anymore, and that his job is not to please MIL. He is also getting better about saying no to family functions, leaving them early, and telling them to mind their own business when they are nosy. I feel like a new person! My depression is pretty much gone, my anxiety is under control, and I'm really starting to stand up for myself with them. As far as spending holidays with them, I told DH that he was welcome to take their abuse, but that I wasn't going to do so anymore. He said okay. I try to be understanding about how hard this must be for him, and he is learning to do the same for me. I have a lot of progress to make too, but I am getting more self-assured around them. So we'll see how it goes. I think that when we do have a child, my assertiveness will really soar. Thanks to everyone who has managed to read this far and stay awake.

Signed - Getting More Self-Assured Around Them

Strongly Agree

Somewhat Agree

Somewhat Disagree

Strongly Disagree

Please Seek Counseling

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