Worst gift: Every time
my SIL gives me any gift for Christmas or my birthday, she hands it
to me and says, "You probably won't like it." Every
time. Usually I don't, although she is getting better.
Signed - Don't Like It
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My MIL called me at work
and said, " {Sigh} It must be nice to work in air conditioning."
My dad thinks that I should have replied, "Do you want me to
get you a job here?" She must think that I go to a party
every day, because she says, "You are so lucky that at least
you get out. SIL are I are stuck at home every day."
I sure don't feel lucky when I am getting up at 6:00 a.m. to go take
orders from bosses all day. She's not stuck at home - she and
SIL are just too lazy to get off the couch to even make something
to eat. To top it off, several times she has called me on payday
to ask if I have any extra money to give her that week. I wish
that I could think of quick comebacks, but I've never had to deal
with a person like this, and I was raised to be respectful.
I do my best to avoid her, but I don't think I can keep it up for
the rest of my life.
Signed - Partying At 6:00
A.M.
RESPONSE: Partying At 6:00 A.M.
The next time MIL pulls her "you're so lucky" routine, tell
her, "Yes, I've known many lucky people in my life. And, the
funny thing is, the harder they work, the luckier they seem to get."
RESPONSE: Partying At 6:00 A.M.
Yes, you can avoid MIL for the rest of your life. Though, that may
be extreme in this case. Respect is a two-way street, especially
between adults. If she treats you like a party girl who has money
to give her, feel free to treat her like a lazy mooch.
RESPONSE: Partying At 6:00 A.M.
I do my best to avoid my MIL, too. And, you'd be pleasantly surprised
how long it can be kept up! Your MIL sounds like mine. She COULD
go out and do a lot of things, but she doesn't do it. And, she complains
about being bored. When I first came into the picture, she seemed
to hope that I'd rescue her from this state. But I just couldn't
do it. I had my own struggles and challenges, and she needed to pull
her own weight. My advice would be that when she makes those remarks,
just say, sympathetically, "Awwww," or, "Oh, no."
Just be politely sympathetic, but don't let her manipulate you into
carrying her on your already burdened shoulders, when she's perfectly
capable of taking care of herself.
My SIL is a 37 year old,
first time mother. My kids are 11 and 7. She NEVER cared
about them at all. Never sent cards or gifts for holidays, special
occasions, get well, etc. She REFUSED to hold them as babies.
She was afraid of getting spit up on and she said that kids are stinky.
MIL thinks that we should just fall all over this baby! MIL
has dropped our kids like a hot potato! She's rude and mean
to them when the baby is around. She no longer sends our kids
cards for Halloween, Easter, Valentines Day, etc. She says that
they are too old, and that they had their turn. I'm afraid of
how she will treat our kids at Christmas. I'm sure that she
will shower the baby with gifts. She's really like that!
She can be really mean! My kids don't understand why she acts
this way. Would it be awful to "skip" Christmas with
them and just go on vacation??? She's always been horrible to
me, now she's turned on my kids!
Signed - HELP MEEEEE!
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
I'm going to help you by being blunt: Any woman who would expose
her children to such an immature, nasty, b!tch needs her head examined.
I feel a bit sorry for your kids that you would even think of using
them to keep the peace with this stupid cow.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
Go for it! Set up and plan a great Christmas get-a-away. When our
kids were small, we would take that week and try to go someplace different,
warm and fun for OUR family (just DH, myself and kids). It took a
while, but our extended families realized that we were not available
for blackmail/guilt trips.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
Does your mouth not work? Tell her exactly how you feel! What about
DH? What does he think about all of this? You might want to enlist
his help if he agrees with your position. If not, you both need counseling
to see his mother's destructive behavior towards your kids. Good
luck!
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
In my opinion, you need to take your children out of the emotional
roller-coaster that she is putting them on. If they are noticing,
all they will do is grow up resentful, and have feelings that I am
sure you do not want them to have. Let her have her new grandchild.
You and your family can live your lives. I would not, however, totally
skip the new baby. It isn't the baby's fault. I would still buy
gifts for Christmas/birthdays for the baby, and leave it at that.
Show them that you aren't like they are.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
By all means, go on vacation, or just stay home, if you wish. Just
make sure that the children don't see this as boycotting an event
because they won't receive gifts. To the 11-year old, explain that
they are showing a lack of respect for you as a family. At this age,
"it's the thought that counts" should be understood. And,
this sounds like a perfect example of thoughtlessness. It may be
easier to tell the 7 year old that you've decided to start your own
family traditions.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
My GPs did this same thing to my sister/cousins/me. Whenever a new
baby came along - we are all 5-6 years apart - they would "forget"
about the next youngest, and concentrate all of their attention on
the "baby". My sister and I were each usurped by someone
else (I was replaced by her, and she by the son of the "favorite
child"). It was cr@ppy. We hated visiting. I began reading
my GM's vast collection of murder mysteries. My sister sat in the
dining room listening to how great the "chosen one" was.
Ultimately, they didn't know us, and spent all their time and energy
(and tens of thousands of dollars) on my cousin. He had a learning
disability (not a big deal), a behavior disorder (a much bigger deal,
and VERY annoying) and a criminal record (including statutory rape,
breaking and entering, theft, weapons charges, and assault). My sister
and I suffer from low self esteem, and agoraphobia! Things could
have been handled better. We did have 2 sets of grandparents, but
holidays were split 50/50. When the "nice" GPs died, we
spent EVERY BLOODY holiday with them (including Labor Day and Independence
Day). Now GF is dead, and no one is crying. And, GM spends her holidays
with the favorite son - alone.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
If you can afford it, why not take the kids to a theme park? It will
be a Christmas they'd never forget! If GM says anything, tell her
that they are now old enough for the trip, and it's THEIR TURN to
see it!
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
Maybe your SIL is more comfortable with a different age group, and
felt shy around your kids when they were little. There's a lot of
social pressure on women to be "good with kids", but some
women really feel awkward around other people's children. Please
don't be too hard on your SIL for not "mothering" your children
more. Maybe they'll get to be better friends as adults.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
What goes around comes around. I don't see any reason to subject
your kids to this cruel and unwarranted treatment. You don't say
how DH feels towards his mother. But, if he cares, why should you?
If he does care, point out the psychological damage that this woman
is causing your children. And, it is damage. What would you expect
to happen when someone who had always loved you (or at least acted
like it), and gotten you gifts, suddenly just stops treating them
nicely and starts treating them badly? This would hurt an adult a
lot. Imagine how much it must hurt an impressionable 7 and 11 year
old. Start distancing yourselves now. It's probably going to get
worse.
RESPONSE: HELP MEEEEE!
A vacation away from the hag is probably a very good idea. Your kids
would pick up on the favoritism shown to the new baby. No matter
what, I don't think it's ever right to tell anyone "you've had
your turn". Are they really saying, "You've been replaced.
I don't love you anymore"? What ever happened to unconditional
love? Since when is love to be divided, not multiplied among children?
When I was pregnant with my younger son, I told my older son that
people's hearts are very special. Every time someone gives you a
kiss and or a hug, your heart makes five more, all to be given away.
There was very little jealousy shown towards the new baby; just a
steady supply of "starter" kisses and hugs! Feel sorry
for the hag. She's the one missing out.
I really do not know what to think
of my MIL. Just like everyone else, it all started when I
married her son. First of all, we were both young, twenty
years old to be exact. Part of my attraction to DH was that
his family seemed warm, giving and forgiving. My MIL is loud.
She likes to talk and tell stories about things that have occurred
in the past, and generally likes attention. She never ignores
anyone, and loves to dish out attention. I, on the other hand,
am a quiet person. I prefer to listen, think and spend time
on my own. I think that our differences are what attracted
me to my MIL. I felt that not only did I love my husband,
but that I had a second home to come to with my ILs. As time
went on, things changed a bit. DH and I had absolutely no
money, and a child on the way. My MIL was just thrilled, and
decided to help by offering us to move into their very old, empty
house, right next door. I thought, "Great, this will
help out a lot." The more time I spent living next door
to my MIL, the more I noticed things that I did not like.
For example, my husband would come home and go straight to his mom's
house. If I had a birthday celebration for my son and personally
invited everyone over for cake and ice cream (and usually dinner,
because I wanted to make people happy), everyone would go next door.
My family was not invited, because I could tell that DH's SIL and
brothers were not comfortable with them. I also noticed that
my family did not seem to want to spend time with DH's family.
Then, I noticed remarks aimed at me that were not pleasant.
I am an easy person to hurt. My MIL and I still had a good
relationship, and I felt as if she was almost best friend material.
I felt that I could confide in her about anything. I then
proceeded to tell her that, although I enjoy intimacy with my husband,
I did not want to do it every day. She told me that I needed
to give it to him whenever he wanted it, or he may decide to find
someone who will. She went on to say that it goes both ways.
I was crushed and confused, because I grew up to believe that your
body is your own, etc. (my husband and I don't have problems in
this area anymore). My MIL also seemed to confide to me about
her feelings on her other DIL. She basically did not like
her, felt she was wrong for her son, and was, in essence, a b!tch.
I asked her why, and she could never give me a reason. Then
I noticed that when there was a family gathering, she treated her
other DIL as if she was a good friend. That is a good thing,
but then it made me wonder if she felt the same way about me.
Then, there was the time when I gave birth to my son. My MIL
was all smiles and humor with me in the birthing room, but according
to a friend (who does not like her MIL at all), she said terrible
things about how I handled myself in the process. I asked
my MIL about it, and she said that this friend of mine was just
being a troublemaker and was jealous of our relationship.
I still don't know, because nobody told me what was said.
It could have just been my MIL's attempt at humor. Another
odd occurrence that I just can't explain is 13 months after the
birth of my son, my MIL's sister had just had a nasty divorce.
She asked if her sister and her three children could come and live
with us in our two bedroom house (sort of). Of course, at
that age, I felt that I could not say no, and my MIL knew that.
While the sister was moving in, we went to go stay the weekend with
my grandma and aunt (the only family that I have left). When
we came home, the sister's kids had gotten into our bedroom and
taken out the badminton set that we had not had a chance to use.
They ruined the net and broke the rackets in half. That did
not make me happy. Then, I went to do laundry, and I could
not do it because they were using the machine. I had tried
to make sure that the house was cleaned up before we left for the
weekend so that when we got back, it would be clean. I also
had been told that they were not moving in until we were back.
They did not stay in the house with us for long. My husband
had a talk with his mom. But, then, after that, I was the
bad guy and my younger BIL kept coming up to me and saying things
like, "I know what you are doing." I could probably
go on for ever about things in the past. Now we live a long
way from my MIL, an hour and a half away. DH and I enjoy our
time together. He is not always running next door to talk
or fix things at the MIL's house when things need to be done at
our house. He is very devoted to me and my feelings, unless
we are both grumpy and fighting. I have noticed that at times
my MIL will act oddly. For example, one day we were alone,
talking, and she said that she felt bad because she has been saying
nasty things without knowing that she was going to say them.
And, then, right after that, she gave me an insult. I thought
that it was odd. When she came to visit for the weekend, DH
wanted her to do something for him. So, she blackmailed a
hug and a kiss from him (he loves his mom, but tries to be macho).
I did not think anything of it, but then she kept bringing it up.
The first couple of times I thought that she was joking or something,
but I did not find it funny enough to burst out laughing.
So, I did not say anything. After she left for the weekend,
I got an e-mail from her telling me how much she enjoyed the weekend
and making her son hug and KISS her! This is almost word for
word. My first thought was, "So, is that not what you
kids do, no matter the age?" Then I thought, "Is
she trying to make me mad or something?" I think that
a son or daughter should still show affection for their parents,
no matter their age, so why keep bringing it up? I did remember
that a friend who has been married for three years said that her
MIL flirted constantly with her husband, and it just irritated her
because it was gross and she knew that it was aimed to make her
mad. I don't know. I was not there. But, I gave
it thought and wondered if my MIL was trying a new tactic, or if
it was just something that she thought was funny. If it was
a tactic, it is a little late in the game for this one. It
might have worked earlier on in the marriage, when my husband and
I were not sure where we stood with one another. My SIL has
had similar run ins, but I am closer to my MIL. When I feel
that she may be throwing insults at me, it hurts and confuses me
because I thought that she felt differently toward me than she did
about my SIL. I Just don't know if I am reading her wrong,
or if she is trying to hurt me.
Signed - Jekyl or Hide
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