DH and I have been married for 2
years now, and the situation with MIL is only getting worse every
day, or every time that she is around. This is our second
marriage. He brings 2 blood grandchildren and I bring my 3
step grandchildren to this marriage. She is always nice to
our faces, but behind our (my children's and my) back, she is very
mean. If it were that she was only mean to me and not to my
3 children, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But, when I find
my children upset because they are not being treated fairly, it
really hurts me. They lost their grandmother (my mother),
only 1 1/2 years ago, to cancer, and so they don't have a grandparent
to turn to. DH and I have recently made the decision to only
allow MIL to have supervised visits, due to the fact that she is
beginning to abuse my children in an emotional way. When she
comes over, I want to take my children and go somewhere, and I don't
want my children to even have anything to do with her. My
children are reacting in a way that they are trying to get negative
attention from me, because that is all they get from my MIL.
Am I doing the right thing? I feel that once you mess with
my children, you have crossed the line. The only thing is
that, because of the intimidation that she creates, I have been
unable, up to this point, to confront her on this, and a big part
of me feels that this needs to be done. I wish that DH would
be able to do this, but he is the baby of the family and I don't
want to put him in the middle. Nor do I want to be responsible
for a son and mother's relationship going south. I have also
had to recently change the locks on my house, because I found out
that she was coming in without our permission and going through
the kids' clothes. And, when she found DH's son's clothes
mixed with my son's, she threw my son's clothes in the trash.
I am not sure if this is all intentional, or whether I am doing
the right thing, but in the long run I want my kids to feel safe,
both physically and emotionally with DH and me.
Signed - I Want My Kids
To Feel Safe
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Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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I'm one of those people
who thinks that if you aren't getting along with someone, or if you
don't like them, it's probably your own fault. And, as soon
as you face up to yourself, everything will sort itself out.
Well, my MIL is psychotic. She is shocked by anything and everything.
She is a racist. And, her small talk consists of, "Oh,
my, hasn't such and such a person gotten fat lately?" She
doesn't drink alcohol, so if we do, she gets this sour face and starts
making a sucking noise, "SStk! Sssstk!", to show her
disapproval. She smokes, but pretends not to. When she
wants to be nice, she patronizes. I hate her, and do not understand
how she could be related to my husband, let alone be his mother, the
poor man.
Signed - Suffering
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
When my DH proposed to me,
we lived 5 hours away from each other. His father didn't like
me, because he thought that I was going to make his son move to me.
And, since his son ran the family business, he thought that he might
actually have to do some work. Well, I moved for him, and gave
up a lot to do so - my career, family, friends. Now, we have
been married for 2 and a half years, and I can't stand my MIL and
FIL. My MIL makes me feel horrible about myself every time I
am around her. She has a new DIL who had a baby this past summer,
and my MIL is always comparing me to her. I don't feel that
is fair. I am nothing like her, and I don't think that I should
be compared to anyone. My MIL even forgot my name this year,
and then proceeded to tell me about it in front of my SIL. I
gave up a lot to move for her son, and the least she could do is remember
my name. My DH thinks that it shouldn't hurt my feelings, and
that I am just jealous of SIL. But, that is not the case.
He doesn't see why any of his mother's comments towards me should
hurt my feelings. She is always making snide remarks towards
me. Yes, I don't have any kids, but that is because my DH and
I are waiting, unlike her other two children who have 3 kids outside
of wedlock. I also have a weight problem. I have battled
it my whole life. She is always making comments about my size,
which I don't understand because she and her DD are just a little
smaller than me. I don't have a mother, so I really don't know
what to do. HELP!!!!!!
Signed - Disgusted With
ILs
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
I would ask DH why he thinks you are jealous of a whore. Honestly,
I would rethink marriage with a man who thinks his sister, a whore,
is so much, and allows his family to run over his wife.
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
I am more disgusted with your mousy, enabling husband than with your
MIL. If DH is unable to set boundaries with his mother and father
and demand that they should treat his wife with love and respect (not
because of what they think of *you*, but because they respect their
son's decisions and choices), then it is a good thing that you don't
have kids. This marriage may flop. Or, when you do have kids, you
may find yourself even more isolated, as you compete to parent them
*alone* (your DH will be siding with them).
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
You and DH need to get together with a counselor or a priest for some
help. It sounds like you want to leave, and your DH's lack of support
or understanding hurts as much as his parent's actions.
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
If DH refuses to support you, leave him and return to your family
and friends who will support you. It doesn't sound like you and DH
have a strong relationship, so don't even consider having a child
with him until he supports you to his mommy. You and DH have a lot
to work out, since he can't seem to understand that he needs to tell
mama and papa to respect his wife. Best of luck!
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
It sounds like there are more problems here than just with the ILs.
DH is contributing to their behavior by not acknowledging or respecting
your feelings, and "pushing" off his family's actions as
though the problem was with you. You need to have an honest one on
one with him, because it seems like the only one making sacrifices
for this union is you. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
Start keeping a list of all the mean things that she says. Present
them to your "DH". If he cannot see her destructive behavior,
take him and your list to marriage counseling. It sounds like you
married a real mama's boy, or a mouse (hard to tell the difference
here). Good luck!
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
I am disgusted with your ILs just by reading your post. Could you
and your DH consider counseling? The worst part for me is his lack
of understanding of your legitimate problems with them. Does he love
you? Are you happy in your marriage?
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
I would start by calling her by another name, as if you've forgotten
hers. She doesn't have to remember your name, and you, likewise,
don't have to remember hers. You gave up a lot to be with her SON,
not with HER. Treating people nicely doesn't always work. Sometimes
you need to fight fire with fire. I also lost my mom when I was very
young, and I don't expect anyone to fill her shoes. They simply can't.
It would be nice to have a lovely MIL to help fill the void, but we're
not all blessed in that way. If DH doesn't understand why her remarks
are hurtful, you and DH need to work on those issues between the two
of you. He needs to support you as his wife. Your MIL's insecurities
are not your problem. If someone is hurtful towards you, just keep
them away from you or minimize your dealings with them. Develop your
own interests and friends.
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
You've only been married for 2.5 years. If you don't get out of this
situation NOW, welcome to what the rest of your life will be like.
Your DH is not going to change, because he has the force of the clan
behind him. He's had years to make you the number one priority in
his life. As far as I'm concerned, he's failed the test miserably.
You are still young enough to make a life for yourself, mother or
no mother. Please don't wait. It will be harder to assert your independence
as the years wear on and wear you down. Get out, get out, get out!!!
RESPONSE: Disgusted With ILs
Here's what I think you need to do. If you have the guts to do so
- it is up to you. Tell DH that this is your life, too, and that
his family is making you miserable. Tell him that you understand
that he loves his mother, as he should, but you come first, and he
needs to defend you, not his family. Next, you need to insist on
something that will make you happy. IF it were me, I would demand
to move back to where your family is from (assuming that they are
kind to your DH). I know it probably seems impossible with that family
business you were talking about. But, when people really want something,
they can make things happen. I think that having your DH as a part
of the business is making it very difficult for him to separate from
"his family" and realize that he has a new family, you,
to look out for. Ask him if he would expect his mother to take such
abuse from her MIL. Would he like his mother to feel the way you
are feeling? This sort of relating seems to work with men, since
they just don't seem to contemplate it on their own. Most likely,
if and when you guys establish your own lives on your own without
them, it will be easier to slowly establish a new relationship with
your in-laws, affirming yourself as in control of YOUR family, and
then they can see that you two are going to do your own thing. You
are not just their son, who they can tell what to do, as if he was
still living under their roof. I think that you should encourage
DH to see it like this. If you can do that, you may be able to come
back and make a relationship work with that side of your family.
Otherwise, you will be miserable for a long time, and most likely
you will never have a good relationship with them.
For 10 years, DH and I have
had to deal with the MIL and SIL from he!!. DH is the oldest
of the two. His sister is 5 years younger, and is adopted.
The only reason that I mention that she is adopted is because we think
that this is why she wreaks havoc on the entire family, and MIL allows
it and even defends this hellion. My FIL (MIL's ex) has advanced
Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. We cared for him in our
home for years until I could no longer lift him. Before he lived
with us, SIL from he!! got power of attorney and sold FIL's house
and belongings and cashed in his stock, policies etc., all without
consent or even discussion with her brother. She put him in
a home. When she gave DH his share of the house (only), she
deducted items that she decided were things that her brother owed
"her" dad, and kept the money. To this day, we do
not know how she decided this. DH has always been intimidated
by her, because she is very aggressive and forceful - the kind who
gets in your face. He did not want to anger his mother, so he
kept quiet. A few months later, SIL from he!! removed FIL from
the nursing home because she wanted to take care of him. She
wanted to quit work. Three months later, after she put a hot
tub in her home, bought a boat, and paved an elaborate circular driveway
(with FIL's money) she decided she couldn't deal with him anymore.
He was put back into the home. He became worse each time a major
change occurred. When the nursing home (the best in area) raised
the rates, she would not contribute half to keep him there and we
could not foot the whole bill alone. She moved out of state
so that DH got power of attorney and FIL came to live with us and
our 4 children. He has a colostomy and Alzheimer's, and caring
for him was difficult, but he seemed to thrive with us. SIL
from he!! constantly was obsessed with FIL's "money".
We wanted to turn the carport into a private room and bath for him,
but SIL ranted that her father's money would not go to improving our
real estate value. He had a room, and our 3 daughters were jammed
into a room designed for one. DH was still terrified of her.
While living with us for 4 years, she visited maybe 2 times.
Twice we had to beg and pay her to watch him when we went out of town.
MIL from he!! acts sympathetic towards DH, but then tells SIL everything
that he confided in her, and all he!! breaks loose. This has
been the pattern for years and years. SIL didn't speak to MIL
for 2 years, and kept her 2 kids from MIL. But as soon as she
needed money and came back into MIL's life, DH becomes an enemy for
still unknown reason. I dream of living without this miserable
excuse of a family, but they are all my DH has. DH plans to
transfer to another state to put 2,000 miles between them and us.
I can hardly wait.
Signed - Stupid and Crazy
RESPONSE: Stupid and Crazy
Transfer, and fast!
RESPONSE: Stupid and Crazy
You didn't marry a man, you married a doormat. You deserve what you've
gotten.
RESPONSE: Stupid and Crazy
It might not necessarily be because she is adopted. My SIL is fully
MIL's daughter, and she treats everyone like cr@p just because. Some
people just don't think that anyone can ever do enough for them.
They take, take, take, and then sh!t on everyone some more. Sad.
RESPONSE: Stupid and Crazy
DH is a mouse. Terrified of his sister? Please. Again, the real
villain is the enabling husband. Get an attorney and get what's yours.
And, stop placating the MIL and worrying over what the SIL might do
to you.
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