Worst gift: Chopped
liver. I can actually name on one hand every gift that my
ILs have ever given me/us. Not much. There was the one
time that they brought a bunch of sh!t from a garage sale.
They bought it all for 5 bucks. It went to the closet, then
went to charity. Then, there was the time the aunt died.
I loved her!!! She was size 16, I was an 8. All of a
sudden, they brought me 8 garbage bags of size 16 clothing, saying
that they found it at a "fabulous" garage sale",
and here was some wonderful new clothing for me (30-40 years old,
Hello???). Who were they kidding? The aunt died, and
then, 3 weeks later, 10 garbage bags of OLD clothing come to me???
Two years ago, FIL gave ME his old sh!t (because he stands 5'6,
like me), again, in garbage bags. "Here, you may like
this. I wore this stuff in college." It was mildewed,
musty, and in a shed for the past 50 years. And it was MEN's
clothing, no less, in garbage bags. Well, thank you.
Off to the dump for that stuff. Now, you may wonder if they
offered this to me and offered nothing to their son. He never
gets anything but advice and constant criticism. What do they
offer the grandkids? 5 bucks at Hannukah for the 20 year old,
and $1.39 panties and bra (baby size) from a discount department
store for designer 14 year old girl. Cheap, Cheap, and . .
.
Signed - Getting Cheaper
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Help. I need a place
to vent. FMIL is staying with us for 3 whole months. Currently,
we are 5 days into this odyssey, and already she has had me in tears
of frustration, twice. I'll use this story to give background
info. Then, (if I haven't set myself on fire) I'll hopefully
give some weekly updates. As the name suggests, she is your
classic passive aggressive nightmare. For those of you who don't
know what this means, it's a strategy that FMIL disguises as "tact",
but which is actually pure acid. E.g., "You look nice in
that dress, it hides your backside." You know the sort
of thing. Seeing as other people have talked about their weddings,
I'll start there (10 years ago, but I don't forget!). The first
mistake was asking her to pay for a few things. The response
was, "USUALLY the bride's parents pay for the wedding."
I began to understand that she was big on "USUALLY" and
tradition, but only when it suited her to be. Geez, my bridal
books say that the man's family pays for the church, car, and flowers
(USUALLY). She paid, grudgingly. Big mistake. Apparently,
she did it because, if she was making a small donation to the large
cost if this wedding, she was suddenly in charge. She wanted
to walk down the aisle with my father, she wanted to go into the sanctuary
to see the papers signed, she wanted to sit at the wedding table,
and she demanded that I ring every one attending and request that
they not give me horseshoes, etc., as we walked back down the aisle
(psycho?! Oh yes). She had a horseshoe to give me, and
if she had nabbed my dad to walk with back down the aisle, she couldn't
give me hers when every one else did. All of which, of course,
could have been easily sorted out. But, this conversation took
place 36 hours prior to the wedding, AFTER the rehearsal. Oh,
yeah, and back to the tradition thing. USUALLY, the bride's
mother is last to arrive. On the day, FMIL pushed my mother
into the church. And, when she was sure that everyone was seated,
she grabbed an usher and had him escort her to her seat while she
waved and nodded to everyone. More to come.
Signed - USUALLY
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My MIL shows outright favoritism
for her other DIL over me. She barely even speaks to me, and
I live with her. But, when "the other" comes around,
they have so much to talk about, and she always seems so happy.
But, with me, on the other hand, she always seems so disappointed
and has nothing to say. To top it all off, when it was time
for her son and me to get married, she barely showed any interest,
and really didn't offer to do anything Meanwhile, when her
other son was about to get married, she was so excited and so involved,
and she just wanted to have every thing in the world to do with them
and their special day. I feel as if she treats me as an outsider
from the family. I have made all the attempts I can, within
my means, to at least get along with her. At one point, I actually
thought that we were getting somewhere. But, it's just all too
obvious how she really feels, no matter what she tells my husband.
I'm not saying that she doesn't like me, but I really think, and am
almost positive, that she wished he had married someone else.
When "the other" is around, I feel so out of place, and
don't even want to be in the same room. I know that, at some
point, my husband has to get upset, but I truly feel like I don't
meet her standards. Besides talking to her, what can do?
Signed - Truly Hurt
RESPONSE: Truly Hurt
Move out. Things may improve if she doesn't see you every day. If
not, you don't have to deal with it every day.
RESPONSE: Truly Hurt
Yours is a classic example of "familiarity breeds contempt".
If you are living with MIL, it's time to move out, with or without
DH. If she is living under your roof, it's ultimatum time for DH:
either she leaves or you do. You do not need to be under the same
roof as someone who treats you as a subhuman.
RESPONSE: Truly Hurt
Move out? If your MIL treats you like dirt because you live with
her, but she is all over her other DIL who (presumably) doesn't live
with her. What clearer sign do you need? You and DH need to find
your own place to live. It's not just about getting MIL to be nice
to you, it's about living on your own as a couple. I couldn't face
living with my MIL.
RESPONSE: Truly Hurt
Geez, I'd do whatever I could to move. My ILs never accepted me,
either. After all, my husband didn't have permission to get remarried
after his divorce! We are real happy 6 years and 4 children later.
His family has never seen 2 of our kids, and we have no intention
of speaking to any of his family. Oh, sure, his mom misses HIM, but
the apology that he wanted will NEVER come, obviously! When we were
stuck at her house a few years ago (for 2 horrible months), she was
awful to me. I'll bet you get the same treatment: MIL looking right
past you (if your eyes met, she might have to say something!); MIL's
snappy orders; and MIL's nasty comments. She'd talk badly about
a couple of the other DILs too, but as soon as they'd show up, it
was "Oh, hi! C'mon in!!!" It would hurt these women to
show an ounce of kindness. I hope you get away from her. Living
well is the best revenge. Don't let the old hag get you down!!!
Wow. I feel much less
isolated after finding this site tonight! Where do I begin?
When my friends talk about their MILs, I really just laugh, because
nothing that I have ever heard has even come close to my experience.
My MIL and I were never close. Her favorite pastime is being
nasty and making snide remarks to anyone and everyone. She also
has a terrible temper, which leaves everyone around her basically
quivering in fear of her next outburst. After DH and I got married,
we saw as little as possible of his parents. I think that for
a long time he really just tried to keep me sheltered from the absolute
dysfunction that he has been subjected to his entire life. Anyway,
fast forward to the birth of our first son. All of a sudden
my MIL decided that she was going to be my little helper. She
began "stopping by" constantly, without so much as a phone
call ahead of time. Or, she would call upwards of five times
a day. I tried to be nice. I really did. It went
on unchecked until my son's first birthday. He developed a sudden
fever at his party, had a seizure, and had to be taken to the hospital.
DH and I were in the ER with him, with Drs. and nurses all around
when my in-laws showed up and squeezed into the cubby. MIL then
began assessing the situation, and actually answering the Dr.'s questions,
incorrectly no less, about our son. Needless to say, I was beside
myself. The baby was ultimately fine, and was released from
the hospital the following night. Then, at 9 am the next morning,
while DH and baby boy and I were finally enjoying some sleep after
a harrowing few days, the ILs were on the front doorstep. I
answered the door and told them that everyone was sleeping, and that
we would call them later in the day, as that would be a better time
for them to come see the baby. Later that day, when DH did call,
he was given an earful about my rude behavior. And he was told
that I could have "at least offered them a cup of coffee".
I hadn't slept in two days. I thought that my precious baby
was going to die. And, oh yeah, I was also four months pregnant
with baby #2. And I was expected to be Suzy Homemaker at 9 am
to unexpected guests? Oh, wait, it gets better. A month
passed by, and DH and I figured we'd let the ILs baby-sit one night
so that they could have some alone time with the baby. I forgot
to mention that there had been baby-sitting issues before. That
is, I suspected, but couldn't really prove, that they had been drinking
when they were left alone with the baby. Did I mention that
they have a drinking problem? Well, DH said we should give them
one more chance. So, I agreed, as long as we cleared the house
of all alcohol. They came over, and we left for the wedding,
DH called home two hours later. He returned to the reception
and informed me that we had to leave because his parents were drunk.
We returned home to find that after we had left, they went to the
liquor store and bought, not a 6 pack nor a 12 pack, but an 18 pack
of beer. And, a bottle of brandy. By the time we got home,
there were 5 beers left, and the brandy bottle was half empty.
DH was so livid that he just went directly to our bedroom without
saying a word to them. That left me to have to thank them for
baby-sitting and send them off. Obviously, we decided then and
there that they would never be left alone with any of our kids again.
Things have just basically disintegrated from there. My MIL
got falling down drunk at my second son's Christening. My FIL,
who really is an okay guy, but just has really, really poor judgment,
decided to start referring to son #2 as "Spot" because he
has a strawberry birthmark on his head. For these reasons, as
well as so many others, DH and I just started avoiding them altogether.
That was fine with me, until MIL wrote me a nasty email saying that
she wants to see the babies without DH and me around. She threatened
us with a court order if we do not let her. Well, DH just said
to ignore it, but I just couldn't anymore. I wrote her an email
back explaining why we won't allow the kids to be alone with them
(the wedding incident). I also mentioned several other incidents
and general behaviors that cause DH and me to have no interest in
being around her. Did I take the high road? No.
Was I harsh? Yes. But, I'm only human and I just couldn't
take the "Poor mom-mom and pop-pop! Why can't we see the
children?" act anymore! Here is really the best part.
SHE CHANGED MY EMAIL!!! That's right. She made it say
all kinds of crazy stuff to make it look like I was making wild accusations
about her and my FIL, especially about my FIL. For instance,
she included a part that said that I believe that my FIL leers at
me while I am breastfeeding my children!!! What?! Anyway,
this new version of my email was spread, I'm sure, through their whole
family. I have truly been branded "evil DIL".
Oh, by the way, she also began emailing my mother at work, telling
her how horrible I am. Of course, my mother, who is AWESOME,
didn't bite. So, MIL has decided that she is evil as well, and
that the two of us are in cahoots, trying to steal her family from
her. As you can imagine, there is a lot more that has passed
between then and now. But, suffice it to say, DH and I have
made peace with it all. Luckily, DH knows, and has always known,
the deal with his parents. And I have decided that he can deal
with them 100%. His mother comes to our house to see the kids.
It was every week for a while, just to prove her point. Now,
she's down to about every other week, and I'm sure the novelty will
wear off more and more for her. My FIL goes back and forth between
coming and refusing to come. I think that she must tell him
that we say things about him, or something. I don't really know.
Anyway, just writing all of this will probably help me sleep better
tonight!
Signed - Spot's Mom
RESPONSE: Spot's Mom
What idiot adult would ever nickname a child because of a birthmark?
Distance, distance!
RESPONSE: Spot's Mom
Court order? Yeah, the court will really be impressed with two drunks
wanting to care for a child! There is nothing that you can do for
them, unless it's sending them some literature about Alcoholics Anonymous
or Rational Recovery.
RESPONSE: Spot's Mom
I do not understand. You found out that they were DRUNK, and you
thanked them and sent them on their way???!!!!!!! And, after all
that they put you through, you let them NEAR your kids?? There would
be NO way that they would come close to my kids. I'm a mother who
protects her kids
RESPONSE: Spot's Mom
Come to the message boards!!! Now ! Immediately!!! Your soul sisters
are chatting over there, and the DIL Avengers can give great advice!
You *will* feel at home, unfortunately!
RESPONSE: Spot's Mom
You let them drive off after drinking like that???? They could have
killed someone. I'd have called the police as they were leaving,
"Oh, my ILs have been drinking, and they insist on driving!"
That would have been on record, and would have ended the ol' "grandparent's
rights" issue! Sober MILs are bad enough.
RESPONSE: Spot's Mom
I have no idea why on earth you keep contacts with FMIL? Do you OWE
them something, or what? Are you a masochist? After the drinking
incident, you should have stopped all contact!! Emailing? What is
the matter with you?! Don't you know that you have the right to STOP
seeing and talking to your MIL?! People DO that, you know, and they
are good people still! Are you going to jeopardize your children
while being near these alcoholics? I think that you don't know how
serious this is. I hope you won't learn the hard way. Alcoholism
is a serious illness and changes the way people think. People can
actually become mentally ill. Every action of your MIL proves this.
If they threaten you with a court order, don't buy it! The court
would never order children to stay with alcoholics! Plus, they won't
waste the money on court. They just love to threaten you. I don't
feel sorry for you at all. You are the one who should act on this
as soon as possible. Don't cry your stories here just to feel better
about it. You shouldn't feel better about it while they are in your
life!
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