If you can believe this one, I think
that my MIL dislikes DH and his older brother. They are her
stepsons, whom she has raised. She also has a son who is her
"natural". When we refer to him, we say "all
bow". It is really that bad!! There is a sign on
their house that say that the 3 of them live there - MIL, FIL and
BIL. BIL hasn't lived there for 8 years, and there were 2
other sons in that house from the beginning. I won't go into
everything horrible that she has put us through in the past 12 years,
only what happened this past summer. I have a heart condition,
and I was hospitalized in June. I am guessing that I was in
denial about how bad it really was until August. They came
to our house, and told us that they had to tell us that an anonymous
donor gave my BIL and his wife a large sum of money to purchase
a house 2 doors away. Now, who would give a large sum of money?
A close relative? Perhaps the same one who gave the same brother
money to go on a family vacation when 2 of the brothers couldn't
afford to go. Her mother! This woman gives money to
the BIL any time he has "needs". Of course, the
biggest upset about the house is that it is so close to them, and
we live in a nearby town and never see them as it is. My 4
kids barely know them anymore. My youngest doesn't know them
at all, practically. Now there is going to be no room for
my family, since she has "her" son and "her"
granddaughters close by. Well, the news hit me so hard that
I was on the couch for a week. I really thought that it was
just stress, so I worked to get up for the next week. I still
didn't feel better, so I finally admitted that there was a problem,
and was admitted to the hospital. I didn't want DH to call
and tell them, but he did. FIL's response? "Tell
us if she gets out tomorrow. We are going on a trip, and don't
have time for extra running around." They came to see
me. I really didn't need that. But, in all honesty,
it was a nice visit. This was Thursday night. They left
the following day, not knowing that I was scheduled to have a defibrillator
put in. Their crime, NO PHONE NUMBER!! There was no
care from them that our 4 kids were in some kind of need while I
was in the hospital. Can you imagine what DH went thru?
Thank goodness for my parents and a very close cousin. They
made sure that my family had meals and got to school. I wrote
a very nasty email to my SIL and MIL. I haven't heard a response
yet. I am not a trivial person. My DH was devastated,
and really needed his family's support. To top it off, when
they bought this house, my FIL strongly informed DH that BIL and
SIL were having a housewarming party and we were invited.
Did I mention that we still don't know if BIL knows that I was in
the hospital?? But, WE were informed about a housewarming
party. Bring that gift!! But, the clincher is that God
is good. A hurricane sent the ILs home after 2 days of vacation!!!!!!
LOVED IT!!!!!
Signed - Done Being the
Family Litterbox!!
0
6
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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Worst gift: For Christmas
one year, my PIL sent DH a present of 3 black socks wrapped up in
Christmas paper. They were part of package that contained 6
pairs, his brother got the other 3 pairs. They claimed that
they were too broke to buy more. I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but
even I read the message loud and clear. When they won a large
amount of money in the lottery several years before, they gave DH
only a grand at the time. And, now, because they had spent it
all, they expected my DH to help pay their bills. They always
mentioned that grand that he had gotten when they hinted about needing
money. Whenever I see pictures of their Christmas, the presents
they give to each other are piled, I swear, two feet high.
Signed - They Must Think
I'm Stupid
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Worst gift: I am on
the opposite side of the spectrum. I have been with DH for almost
6 years, and in those 6 years my MIL has never given me a birthday
gift, card or a verbal happy birthday. She always seems to have
to go out of town during that time. She never forgets the kids
or her son's birthdays, and they get gifts and cards. I need
some advise on what everyone thinks.
Signed - Fed Up
RESPONSE: Fed Up
Why worry. At least you don't have to say thank you to her.
RESPONSE: Fed Up
I hope that you don't remember hers - if you have been, stop it.
Let DH buy her stuff. It seems as if you are forgotten on purpose.
RESPONSE: Fed Up
The only thing that you should reasonably expect is for your MIL to
wish you a verbal happy birthday. It is not expected that anyone
gives anyone a gift on any occasion. Gifts are never expected and
are never, ever demanded.
RESPONSE: Fed Up
I walk in similar shoes. MIL remembers EVERYONE'S birthday, from
family to the maid, but not mine. And, my birthday is very close
to a major holiday, so it's not easy to overlook. Yet, she does so
every year. I just told my DH that since she could not be bothered
to remember me (through warm wishes, card, or present), I no longer
saw any need for me to bust my hump remembering all the birthdays
on his side of the family. Then, I graciously gave my DH the honor
and responsibility of finding presents for his family. The end.
No guilt, and no anger on my part anymore. And, the best part of
it is that my b!tchy SIL actually told me (when we were first married
and I actually gave a sh!t about what they thought) that she was happy
that I had taken over gifts because DH was so bad at them. Now I
am as surprised as they are to see what they unwrap. It's great.
Really. And, I'm not being mean. It just takes all the pressure
away.
RESPONSE: Fed Up
Easier said than done. But, don't take her treatment of you personally.
No doubt it hurts you, and that's what she wants. You are the outsider,
not her "blood relative". She is the one who will lose
out, in the long run. You are a good person (your DH chose you to
be his life partner, mother to his children). It's unfortunate that
some people choose to divide love, instead of multiply it. Your kids
will notice that you are being ignored. It may not be now, or soon,
but some time in the future. Be the best person that you can possibly
be. It'll tick her off to no end, and all that really matters is
that your DH and kids love you unconditionally. Take care.
RESPONSE: Fed Up
Just stop expecting things from her and you'll be happier. DH's parents
overwhelm us with gifts that they can't afford, and we're probably
as uncomfortable with that as you are with your MIL's lack of gifts.
As my DH says, "We're adults! If we want something, we can buy
it for ourselves." It seems like gift giving can get so dysfunctional
sometimes - both on the giving side and on the expecting-gifts-from-others
side.
RESPONSE: Fed Up
Join the DIL's Forgotten Birthday Club! I could be the original member
of this club. It never really bothered me that my MIL didn't acknowledge
my birthday or our anniversary. But, the favorite son and his wife
are a different story. Don't sweat your birthday not being acknowledged.
I didn't, because it meant one less interaction with MIL. However,
if it continues to stick in your craw, just wait patiently. Eventually,
one of the kids will say something, and your DH should get the message.
It would help if you dropped a hint or two. Also, if you are the
one who picks up the birthday card for MIL, STOP AT ONCE! She is
your DH's mom, and he is responsible for choosing a card for her.
If he whines about it, merely point out that, since she chooses to
ignore your birthday, you've chosen to ignore hers. And stick to
it. I did. It irked my MIL to no end. After all, two can play this
game. Good luck, and peace.
I'm not sure what to do!
Ever since I've known DH, MIL has seemed like she has a split personality.
We will get along great for 6 months or so, and then one little thing
will make her snap. Then, she'll hate me and tell her family
lies about me. She calls, says she's sorry, and then it starts
again within a year! I cannot figure it out. When we get
along, it's wonderful. And, when it's bad, it's awful.
She and DH do not have a good relationship, and he has always told
me to please not have anything to do with her. But, I always
try to plan family events, and I invite her over for dinner.
She has a long history of being mentally unstable, and has been hospitalized
because of it. DH has said, on many occasions, that he would
never know anything about her if it wasn't for me. But, this
last time she has caused major waves in our family, and I am ready
to be done with her. The only thing is that his family protects
her because of her instability, and blames me. They expect me
to "fix" things, and then the cycle starts again.
DH still wants to have contact with his other family members, but
they all expect us to make amends with his mom, or we aren't welcome
at family events. I would much rather be done with his whole
family, but my husband insists that we see his other family members
and spend holidays with them. But, that means that you-know-who
will be there. HELP! I am not sure what to do. I,
of course, will be kind and respectful to her at family events, but
how do I "keep my distance" and still have contact?
I suppose that I can't let her get too close to me. I am tired
of playing games and being hurt. Anyone have any advice?
Signed - Can't Let Her
Get Too Close
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
The problem here is you. Your MIL is nuts, your DH wants to keep
her at a distance, but you insist on having her in your lives. Follow
DH's lead here.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
So, DH doesn't want contact with his mother, but lets the rest of
his family force him into it? I'm confused. It sounds like he is,
too.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
DH doesn't want you to have anything to do with his mom, but wants
contact with his other family members who expect MIL to be included,
or you're not welcome. Hhmmmm, ask DH how to not have anything to
do with her, as her presence is required at his family gatherings.
Maybe he feels that you're telling her stuff that she doesn't need
to know. DH has to clear this up for you.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
If your MIL does have mental problems, then you can't expect her to
have normal or rational responses to things, and you shouldn't expect
that she will. If I were you, I would keep things with her on a very
superficial level. Don't confide in her, and keep your conversation
upbeat and positive. If she confides in you, or brings up potentially
problematic topics, try to keep from voicing an opinion. Just say
things like, "I'm so sorry to hear that this upset you."
Be as neutral in your comments as possible! You didn't say what sorts
of things have set her off in the past, but if it's something that
you've said or done that she's taken offense at or misunderstood,
try to learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. Above
all, try to be compassionate and remember that she may not be in control
of her reactions. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
I would have nothing to do with her, especially since your DH does
not want anything to do with her. You should be grateful that your
DH has a "pair" and is able to stand up to his mother, as
my DH is a mummy's boy, who thinks that she can do no wrong.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
Don't initiate any contact with her. When you see her at family events,
be polite. She is your DH's mother. If he wants to call or invite
her over, let him. But, you are not obligated to. When the other
family members ask why you haven't talked to or invited MIL over,
tell them to talk to DH. I am in the same boat. I do not call my
MIL or make any plans to visit. I leave that up to DH. Fortunately
for me, he doesn't seem in any rush to visit them or invite them over.
I used to be close to my MIL, but she hurt me one too many times.
It broke my heart to end the relationship, but I can't defend myself
against lies.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
First of all, STOP banging your head against the wall!! She has mental
problems, ones she will probably never admit to unless it serves her
purpose. And, of course, she will never go to therapy because then
she would be expected to change (and what fun is that for her?).
I am pretty sure that she suffers from manic depression. I could
go on about my SIL. DH is right. For God's sake woman, he lived
with her!! She is pure poison. How does she enrich you and your
family's life? Answer: SHE DOESN'T. She just causes grief and strife.
Be polite at family gatherings. Just say hello and then move on and
enjoy the rest of the family.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
Why didn't you listen to your DH's advice when he urged you to have
nothing to do with her? He might have had a better feeling for the
situation than you do (knowing his mother as long as he has). You
already know what to do. I think it is what you wrote about - being
kind and respectful to her when you HAVE to see her, but not exposing
yourself to the hurt of forcing a closer relationship.
RESPONSE: Can't Let Her Get Too Close
Cut off contact with her. If you lose the family, so be it. This
woman was unstable waaaaaaay before you came along, as evidenced by
DH telling you not to have anything to do with her. LISTEN to your
husband! He knows what he is speaking of! Even with medication,
this on again, off again relationship will continue to spiral downward.
To be fair, she can't help herself all that much. If this means no
contact with his family, so be it. You are a family now, and that
takes precedence over everything else. While you don't mention what
type of mental illness MIL has, your trying to establish and maintain
a relationship with her, in spite of her own son not doing so, just
plays into all the melodrama that is part of her life. As for the
family blaming you for MIL's mental illness, that is just hogwash.
More than likely, they are in denial and always will be. Just follow
DH's wishes, and sever the contact with MIL. Don't feel guilty about
it. Just do it. Peace.
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