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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
July 23, 2004
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I have been married for 4 years.
DH's father took is own life years ago, and his mother had a stroke.
She asked my DH to never leave her, even though he has three other
brothers. DH asked me to move in with him and his mother
when we married. I was very hesitant, but I did it.
BIG MISTAKE!! DH looks exactly like his deceased father,
and my nutso MIL thinks that my DH is her husband. She is
totally in love with my husband and I think it's disgusting.
If he does something for me, she wants him to do for her.
It seems like I have to share everything with her, and I'm sick
of it. I have become so revolted by her that I have had
to go to counseling with my DH, and I hide from her in my own
home. I get nauseated every time that I have to be around
her. The house we live in belonged to my DH's father's parents,
so she never bought it or anything. She moved into it when
she got married. DH and his brothers grew up in this house
and my DH has lived there his whole life. I told my DH shortly
after we got married that I wanted to go get our own house.
Somehow, MIL found out and put the house in her name, along with
my DH and me. I have never seen such a MF manipulative move
in my life. However, my DH and I have put a lot of money
into the house. I work full-time, and make a very good living,
so I pay a lot of the bills and so forth. I should have
a financial interest in it. Her other three sons think that
I'm a gold digger, and we all hate each other. MIL plays
this poor little old lady who had the stroke bit so well.
It makes me sick. DH realized, after counseling, that his
mother is a narcissistic, crazy lunatic who probably drove her
DH to suicide. But, I feel like a horrible person, because
I just wish that she would go away. I think that, even though
we didn't have to purchase our house, she should spend time at
each son's house (a week at a time) to give me and my DH a break
sometime. Does this seem reasonable??
Signed - Desperate
To Get Away From Her
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
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We have a family business.
My FIL is my boss. He yells at me and my SIL every day.
DH forgot his cell phone one day. He yelled at me all day
about it after I offered to drop my phone off with my DH so that
they could communicate. He said no, but asked all day if I
have heard from him. Hours later, he suggested that I drop
my phone off with DH. I handed the phone to my DH and said,
"Please call your dad now. He is driving me nuts.
My DH called him 5 hours after FIL needed to talk to him, and his
dad said, "How you doing, bud? I will have to call you
back." Every year, I plan my stepson's birthday.
He is now 8, I have been a part of his life for 7 years. My
MIL took over every year because, you know, no one loves him like
she does. I get along with the ex-wife better than my MIL,
because MIL says that I am a bad mother. When I discipline
him, she jumps up to get him whatever he wants. She does it
more with him than with the other grandchildren. For the family
business, MIL watches the children during the summer. They
have an in-ground pool that the children love. MIL uses the
pool to attract the children. I planned my stepson's birthday,
but MIL changed my plans because his birthday is on a day when she
watches the children, and when I go to pick up my children they
don't want to leave the pool. So, she told us that we can
just eat dinner over there because "the children are already
there and it makes me feel guilty, because the children don't want
to leave yet". Needless to say, I get to spend the evening
with my FIL boss.
Signed - FIL Is My Boss
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Get a new job.
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Time for new jobs. Really. Both of you need to start job hunting
*NOW*.
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Umm, change jobs? Find new childcare arrangements? Confront your
MIL on these issues? Take some control? Grow a spine?
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Uhhhh. Get a new job???
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Does your DH stand for this? He needs to demand that your parents
respect you. Your first move is to find a new job. The second
step is for you and DH to make it clear to MIL that the two of you
make all decisions and plans for SS. If she can't deal with that,
find daycare and limit her visits. So many IL problems I read here
stem from everyone's daily lives being too closely intertwined (working
together, living together, using grandparents for daycare).
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Start telling her "NO". And, tell the kids the night
before that if they give you a hard time about leaving grandma's,
then they will be in trouble. Follow through, too, just as you
would if they were misbehaving if you were at the grocery store,
or something. She is making you to look like the bad guy, and won't
let you be the mother of your own family. Make dinner at home special
(not food-wise, just being together special), and the kids will
hopefully want to start coming home. Also, you need your DH to
start backing you up 100%. FIL may be the boss at work, but in
your family you are the boss! Also, is there another job that you
could take so that you don't have to be around these people all
day? And, would you put up with another employer constantly yelling
at you? No. Don't let him. Good luck!
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
Quit and move away. This may take some planning and time, but it
needs to be a short term goal.
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
It sounds like you desperately need to set up some limits and boundaries
with your ILs. I think that if there is ANY way possible for you
to get another job, that would be a tremendous help. Also, for
next year when you plan your son's birthday, if your MIL comes to
you with her plans, tell her that the party is already planned.
Period. You need to assert yourself more!
RESPONSE: FIL Is My Boss
FIL is your boss? GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!! Scrubbing floors
would be better than this.
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Oooh! I'm so glad
that I found this site!! MIL showed up unexpectedly from out
of state while my DH of 3 years and I were JUST arriving back from
traveling. DH gets annoyed with her easily. So, he left
for the day (again, we weren't expecting her, so I had to scurry
around cleaning and changing linens, on what I thought were to be
my days off!). Dumb me felt obligated to stay with her.
She started, at 9:00 a.m., REARRANGING MY FURNITURE. We had
just moved into our home from an apartment less than a year ago.
She made dozens of comments about which decor should be switched
around to look better. She said that more color needed to
be brought in, asked where the window treatments were, said that
she was surprised that I hadn't done more, and asked what plans
I had with the bleak walls. Then, she started pulling out
magazine articles, and pointing to what an ideal house should look
like (she has horrible taste, by the way. Her house looks
like a rainbow circus). I told her, several times, to stop.
I said that I liked things the way they were. I like my own
style. I was so appalled! DH and I like our home and
style!! We are saving money to buy furniture (she doesn't
understand this concept, because she has profited from 3 divorces
and an inheritance). By the time that DH got home, she had
rearranged our entire living room, and started on the dining room
and study. He was unaware of the prelude to this, and began
helping her, as I had fled into the bedroom. After a lamp
and a candle holder were broken, I almost lost it! I told
her to go decorate her own TWO houses and that DH wanted to enjoy
the house our way. My DH took her side. Again, he wasn't
here for the prelude. I ended up having to apologize to her
in an effort to move on. She said that she was entitled to
vocalize her opinions in my house. I have always held my tongue
before, and tried to "rein in" DH when I thought he spoke
(often) too harshly. Now, I know why he does!! She DOESN'T
listen, and she does whatever she pleases, regardless of NO, NO,
NO! DH is the only child of hers who has married. So,
that are no empathizers in the family for me. Any advice?
How dare she! And, I'm hurt that he didn't understand the
"decorating ~ woman thing".
Signed - Woman Thing
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
Your MIL is a b!tch, and your DH is a wimp who needs to grow a pair.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
DH is your problem. He needs to grow a pair and tell mommy to buzz
off.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
Take a page from your MIL's book, and get a divorce. Your DH is
useless, and actually married to his mommy, anyway.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
Let her have her way. Don't respond to a thing that she does.
And, when she leaves, move it back the way you want it, and give
away whatever she has put in. This means work for you, but less
stress (trust me on this one) if you work at not letting what she
is doing get to you. What is more important is that DH realizes
that he is married to YOU, not MIL. When you are both calm, talk
about what you both would like your home to look like, and agree
to back the other, regardless of who is doing the verbal trashing,
physical moving, etc. After a while, the complainer should stop.
It took my MIL about 15 years, so yes, I know what you are going
through. This is how I handled it. My DH never knew how I felt.
I just put stuff back after she was gone.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
The problem is your DH. Your MIL shows up uninvited, and he leaves
while you clean and entertain her? He should have cleaned and entertained
her. Furthermore, he let her be disrespectful to you in your home.
Your MIL can only do what you allow her to get away with, and it's
your DH's job to set these limits.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
Did you EXPLAIN to your DH what had happened? I am sorry, but I
haven't much sympathy for you, because you should have stopped it
before she even started. I have found myself biting my tongue around
the ILs, but I would never allow them to invade my space in that
manner. If you were so dead set against doing anything to stop
her, then you should have distracted her by taking her to the mall,
out to breakfast, lunch, whatever. Just GET HER OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!
And, tell DH he needs to pull his weight with his mother, as you
are not going to do so anymore because of the last fiasco.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
First, sit him down and explain that in the animal kingdom a lioness
would kill a strange lioness invading her territory. And, the next
time your MIL ignores, "NO, No, NO," grab her gently,
but firmly by the elbow, guide her out your front door, and lock
it behind her.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
The next time she tries to "decorate", take her coat,
take her purse and throw them out the door. Don't let it hit her
on the way out. If DH has a better way, let *him* try it out instead
of leaving the scene. After all, if she is entitled to speak her
mind in your house, you sure as heck have the same right, multiplied
by infinity! I wish you luck. I think that the trick is not to
care about hurting their feelings. Just remember that they don't
care two pins about hurting yours.
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
Ok, your first mistake was that you "scurried around cleaning",
rather than SCURRIED ON OUTTA THERE! Seriously, if your MIL came
unannounced, you should have left her at home while you went out
and enjoyed your day off. Since she is so into rearranging YOUR
house, she could have handled the changing of the linens, too.
Next time, you escape, too. Uninvited guests don't deserve to be
entertained!
RESPONSE: Woman Thing
"She said that she was entitled to vocalize her opinions in
my house." Actually, no. MIL has no such entitlement. Nor
is she entitled to ambush you after your vacation, and then sponge
off you for her vacation while she amuses herself creating chaos
in your home in a pathetic, self-serving attempt to compete with
you in front of your DH in order to show him that she can arrange
a better home for him than you can. Very sick boundary violations!
As an INVITED GUEST, MIL is entitled to keep her lips zipped about
your personal matters, choices, tastes; to help out in small ways
after first asking you if she can do so; to be on her very best
behavior at all times; and to be as pleasant and respectful as possible
so she earns another invitation. If she is staying with you, she
should take your household out to dinner or some other treat that
doesn't involve you waiting on her, cooking for her, cleaning up
after her, etc. Now you know why it is disastrous to have ILs stay
in your home with you. Next time she ambushes you, invite her in
for a glass of iced tea in your kitchen while you call a few local
hotels to get the best rate for her. Then, drive her there if she
took a cab from the airport and is without transportation. Whatever
you do, don't let her unpack! Your DH needs to step back and see
how dysfunctional and abnormal it is for his mother to show up uninvited,
after your vacation, and rearrange your furniture. Also, are you
sure that your DH didn't invite her behind your back?
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Working Women Don't Have Wives