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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
July 28, 2004
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My MIL is directly from he!!.
Manipulative is so not even close for her. I often beg my
DH to just close the door of our life together and keep all the
negative out. In just the past month she has constantly
reminded me that daycare is not needed, since she can watch my
son (3 years old), but yet she complains of her constant ailments
and continues to smoke heavily in her home. Not a big deal,
it's her home. But, my son is asthmatic (and we're not smokers).
She calls me to tell me how to dress him when coming to her house,
acting like she lives in Alaska (she's in the town north of us,
a 15 minute drive). When he sleeps over, I pack a variety
of clothing. She make her own outfits, dressing him all
goofy, and telling people that this is what I packed for him (like
red knit shorts and an orange and navy plaid button down shirt).
Then, she talks cr@p to everyone in the family, including my 17
year old daughter. She told her that I ran away at 16 and
got pregnant. She said that, since the man I was with beat
me, my parents had to come get me, since I was out of state (which
is so not even close). No wonder my DD wanted to run away
with her boyfriend!! She calls me and complains about her
two daughters and their families. Then, she calls her daughter
and complains about me and the other daughter, and so on.
All three siblings don't get along because of this. I've
been with DH for 15 years!! She is VERY and EXTREMELY ungrateful!!!
Her car died, and she has no money. I offered to GIVE HER
my car (a decent car). It wasn't the new model that she
wanted, so she told me no. I told her take it and sell it
or trade it in for the car that she wanted. Nope.
Whatever. She needs bedroom furniture. I offered her
ours, since I was redoing our bedroom - no. Her brother
offered her some - no. Then, she started a refrigerator
kick. If she thinks that I'm buying one, she's CRAZY!!
Start to be responsible for yourself, lady!! Shall I keep
going???
Signed - Sick To My
Stomach
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5 |
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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We just spent six days
visiting my MIL and her DH. It's been many years since we
flew in to visit them, and the trip went uncharacteristically smoothly.
Nonetheless, my DH has been mulling over some of the events that
we "let slide". For example, there is one bathroom
in the house, and even when DH announced that he was going in for
a shower, MIL gave one little knock on the door and just barged
in without waiting for a response. She also pranced around
naked from the waist up, with only a skimpy towel covering the fronts
of her breasts, barely. Of course, there is the fact that
she lives a separate reality, and that those around her are merely
characters in a play that she writes and rewrites at will, in her
head . She can get along with people to the extent that they
are willing to more or less stay consistent with the character that
she has attributed to them without challenging her with their own
will! She is astounding. I believe that my DH is right;
that she is mentally ill. My guess is that she has some form
of personality disorder that has not yet been defined. Can
you believe that these are the observations are from a GOOD visit
with MIL???
Signed - Merely A Character
in MIL's Play
RESPONSE: Merely A Character in MIL's Play
Do some research on "narcissistic personality disorder".
It may be an eye opener for you and DH.
RESPONSE: Merely A Character in MIL's Play
Well, why did you stay at her home then? It seems to me that you're
both blowing two extremely minor incidents waaaaay out of proportion.
If you're that distressed by her, then stay at a hotel next time!
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My BF and I have been
together for 2 1/2 years; both of us are 27. For the past
year, our relationship has been long distance, because, after graduating,
he took a job in his hometown, and I went to graduate school.
His entire family lives in his hometown, and he is the oldest of
four. I have met his family, and they are all lovely.
Recently, his mother asked him what our plans were for being together
after I graduate. She does not want him to leave town.
She pressured him to buy, rather than rent, an apartment, and then
kept involving herself in it, buying furniture, decorating his place,
and even coming by to clean while he was at work. Wisely,
he took her key away after that. When my BF told her that
it was uncertain whether I would move to his hometown right away,
she offered up a few choice criticisms, asking whether I was manic,
or obsessive-compulsive, because I work very hard in school.
She then suggested that he give me an ultimatum: Either I
move to his hometown, or we're done. He was very angry with
her and told her, "Enough, end of conversation."
I am relieved at his response, but one reason why I am reluctant
to move to his hometown is that I feel, and have felt for a long
time, that he is a bit too attached to his mother, and she is a
bit too anxious to keep him (and her other 3 children) close to
home. BF went to college in his hometown because she wanted
him to stay home. Even though he insists that the reason he
took a job in his hometown after finishing his doctorate is because
he could find no good jobs elsewhere (like, in the city where I
am completing a 1-year master's program), and I know it to be true,
partly, my instincts tell me that he also went home because he feels
very comfortable there, and has yet to assert himself as an independent
adult. For the record, though I am pretty intense, and have
worked super-hard this year, I am perfectly healthy mentally, certainly
not manic or obsessive-compulsive. I feel that there is a
lot of anxiety and hostility behind her comment, and it makes me
nervous about the future with my BF. The fact that she feels
within her rights to make such comments makes me more convinced
that my BF never has stood up to her. I don't want to end
up in a tug-of-war with his mother over him. What's terrible
is that I feel like issuing an ultimatum to him: I need to
see him be able to live away from home, see his mother accept this,
and accept that I am in his life (by all accounts she likes me,
and vice versa) and am now his "main woman" before I can
commit to a long-term relationship with him. I am stubborn,
too, unfortunately, and I am reluctant to move to his hometown and
find myself with a man who lets his mom dictate how he does things.
All I want is for him and me to have an equal, adult, independent
relationship that allows us to grow together and make our own decisions,
jointly and separately. And, of course, I want both of us
to spend time with our respective families. I dread, though,
any further manifestation of this problem with his mother.
Any advice?
Signed - Portents of
a Big Problem... (?)
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
I agree with the ultimatum that you want to issue to BF; I would
want to definitely know where the relationship would go before committing.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
My advice? Run. Run like a citizen of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla.
If your BF won't move out of his comfort zone, how likely is he
really to stand up for you when MIL is mean to you?
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
Listen to your instincts. If you are having trouble with her now,
it will only get worse. Join the message board and you will learn
what life is like with a MIL like the one you just described. And,
as far as BF growing up and standing up for you to his mother, don't
count on it.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
If you haven't mentioned your feelings about his relationship with
his mother before, I wouldn't issue an ultimatum. It seems as if
you are making all these decisions about his line of thought without
even asking him. What about talking about these issues and see
where he stands? He might not be as connected to her as you think.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
Don't do it. Trust me! If you move to his hometown, she will be
a thorn in your side forever. If he loves you and wants to spend
his life with you, he will leave his mother and start a new life
with you. Men who have mothers like this won't ever survive in
a relationship if she lives close by.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
Go with your instincts. Your own words are very wise. Explain
your thoughts, and ask him what he wants to do. Offer a neutral
place to live - neither your hometown or his.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
Don't move to his hometown under any circumstances. You'll regret
it. Don't even move there saying to yourself that it'll only be
for a year or two. You may have children sooner than you think,
and then you'll be stuck and trapped. I know, it's happened to
me. I hate living in my DH's hometown. By the way, it looks as
though your BF is at least beginning to stand up to his mother a
little.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
I can really sympathize with you. It's hard making all the decisions
relating to a long-term relationship, without other people getting
randomly involved. I think that you should definitely make sure
that he is capable of being independent for a bit before you take
this to the next level. The sad reality is that marriages fail
all the time, and you don't want to leave anything up in the air.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
Do not marry BF until and unless this issue is resolved to YOUR
satisfaction. Your instincts are right on the mark! I would, however,
like to take BF's defense on one point: You say that because mom
makes the comments you refer to, it means that he has never stood
up to her. Well, you did say that he took away her key and put
an end to a totally inappropriate conversation about you. Besides,
to a person like mom, who has no respect for boundaries, "maybe"
means "yes", and "no" means "maybe".
People like her hear exactly what they want to hear. This is not
a reflection on BF. It is also unfortunate that with this type
of person, you cannot be subtle or diplomatic. The only language
that they understand is direct, brutal, and (if push comes to shove)
violent. Please keep this in mind, whatever you decide.
RESPONSE: Portents of a Big Problem... (?)
RUN. Sorry, but you really have to find someone with less baggage.
I think that your instincts are RIGHT ON. If he has not taken DRAMATIC
action after his mother made those comments, you are on notice that
he is not the type of person that you want to be with. Yes, 2 years
and all that, but really, is this the person whom you want to marry?
Imagine yourself in 5 years, is it happiness you see or a struggle
with relationships? Being married is hard enough. You really shouldn't
go in with 2 strikes. Yes, there is the possibility that it could
work out, but more likely than not: 1. If you get between them
and end their relationship, she AND he will resent you. 2. If
you let it continue, she will dominate your life and you will be
miserable. You will resent him for being weak. 3. Even attempting
to work it out will seem to her as if you're manipulating her son
or trying to "take over", and you all will be miserable.
RUN, get out. You can thank me later.
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Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives