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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
July 29, 2004
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DH and I just married this spring
after a 2 year engagement. His brother was intent on getting
engaged right before our wedding. His DF was a young woman
who has been married and divorced. She was living with another
man, and was engaged to him when my DH's brother started dating
her. She left this other guy to be with DH's brother, and
encouraged him, in less than a year, to propose to her.
We asked DH's brother not to get married, to please wait, and
to give us our wedding time - then he could have his. MIL
encouraged the brother's engagement, knowing that my DH and I
were very upset about it. He got engaged anyway, knowing
how upset we told him that we would be. I could understand
if it was a cousin or a friend who got engaged. However,
in certain family dynamics it is just a discourteous thing to
do. This is a brother-brother dynamic, and we were trying
to avoid having an engagement party at our wedding. The
first time that the family would have seen them engaged would
have been at our wedding. So, our wedding came and it was
wonderful, the most perfect day of my life (sounds cheesy, but
true). Anyway, the FSIL cried her eyes out at our wedding,
and made a huge scene, complaining that she didn't feel like she
was part of the family. Well, she wasn't family yet, and
I suppose that our point was proven that somewhere deep inside
of her, she wanted our attention. They are finally making
wedding plans for themselves and set their wedding date.
She set the date 6 days after our 1st year anniversary.
Does anyone find that weird, or am I overreacting? I find
this very weird. DH and I are not very happy with his parents
for being so undiplomatic about the whole situation. They
think that there is nothing wrong with any of this, or the couple's
behavior. DH loves his parents, but I am having an extremely
hard time accepting what I feel they have done, which is to not
value our relationship and time. DH and I were together
for 4 years when we got married (engaged for 2). They had
plenty of time to get to know me. Can anyone offer insight
or advice?
Signed - Very Hurt
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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DH and I have been married
for almost 4 years. About a year and half into our relationship
I came home on my lunch break from work to find a pamphlet in the
mail from a company promoting weight loss pills. The title,
in large print on the front of the pamphlet, said, "Someone
close to you thinks that this product would be of interest to you".
At first, I just threw the pamphlet in the garbage and thought nothing
of it. Later that day, I mentioned this to my DH. I
could see from the look on his face that he recognized the company
that I was speaking about. He then told me that his mother
had been taking those same weight loss pills. I totally lost
my cool. I am a plus sized young woman who has always felt
very self conscious about my weight, and now I found out that my
MIL thought that I could "benefit" from this product.
DH realized how upset I was and telephoned his mom to let her know
how hurt I was. Her response was that the company had asked
her for the names of several "friends" to send info to
so that she could get a percentage off of her next purchase of these
pills. DH explained to his mother how hurt I was by this.
She responded by saying that she can never make me happy, and hung
the phone up on my DH. I don't know. Am I crazy for
thinking that this was rude? My MIL knew that this upset me,
and never ever apologized or even admitted any wrong in what she
did. I have shared this story with many female friends and
they are all appalled by this.
Signed - MIL Troubles
For Years
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
I think that you totally overreacted.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
I think that you are overreacting. She just used your name and
address to get a discount. Get a grip!
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
I'm appalled, too. That would be rude to do to anyone, let alone
a relative.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
As it seems that DH sticks up for you, you don't seem to have much
of a problem. Take a page from MIL's book: You'll never make her
happy.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
Without knowing all of your family dynamics, you may have overreacted
a little. MIL probably only saw the discount that she'd get, and
didn't think about how the info that was sent out might be received.
I would do what I ask of my on-line friends - to NOT use my name/email
for any reason other than to contact me.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
From your post, it sounds as though your MIL was indeed guilty of
sending the pamphlet. Here's another perspective: My mother used
to get stuff like that in the mail all the time. I think that it
is some kind of a marketing tactic, a very mean one, if you ask
me.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
You said, "I am a plus sized young woman who has always felt
very self conscious about my weight," so why is it wrong for
your MIL to send you this product info? Obviously, if she is taking
the pills, then she is overweight, too, and knows the pain of feeling
self-conscious. Now she found a product that helped her and wanted
you to know about it, too. Her approach may be insensitive, but
I really don't see why you didn't just let it go.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
Yes, it was rude. She should have asked your permission before
giving out your name to any company, although I think you're making
too much of this. She was trying to save some money, not making
a statement about your weight. The fact that she, herself, uses
this product tells me that it would be kind of silly to use it to
deliberately insult someone. You have a right to be a little miffed
that your info was given without your consent, but shouldn't take
it as a personal insult, IMO.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
I think that you are overreacting. You say that you are plus sized
and uncomfortable about your weight, yet you are insulted by someone
trying, in whatever way, to help. If you really wanted to lose
your weight, you would. Unless you have some medical condition
that you did not mention, all it takes to lose weight is willpower.
You should not be hurt or insulted by other people noticing that
you are plus sized. You don't have to take the pills, though, if
you don't feel that is the right way for you to lose weight. I
would say, let this go.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
"She responded by saying that she can never make me happy,
and hung the phone up on my DH." Sheesh, can we say passive-aggressive?
How annoying. Don't let her get away with something like this.
Make her own what she does, even if it is just to say, "I don't
think I did anything wrong." Do not let her deflect by making
it about HER instead of the one whom she wronged.
RESPONSE: MIL Troubles For Years
It was extremely insensitive of your MIL to do that. What her response
on the phone should have been was, "I am extremely sorry if
this hurt you. My intentions were not to hurt you by this. You
are beautiful girl!" Then, she should have gone on to explain
how she got the discounts for passing along your name. I believe
that many people go around unconsciously aware of what they do,
and I think that MILs are "those people". I also strongly
believe that people do not know how to make others feel good, and
how to appropriately say what they should say in a moment like that.
She is probably very embarrassed that she hurt you and that her
son is now disappointed in her, as well. It is hard to realize
that MILs are people, too. That is no excuse for how she made you
feel. She also needs to realize that whether or not her intention
was to send you a pamphlet on weight loss, if you were hurt by it
(even though it was not her intention), then she owes you an apology.
Yes, it doesn't matter if someone else doesn't intend to hurt you,
if you are hurt, then they need to fix it. Good luck.
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I am mentally preparing
myself for my MIL's birthday tomorrow! ARGH! I'd rather
get my teeth yanked out and shoved under my fingernails. I'm
12 years younger than my man, and we are very happy after 5 years
together. My parents live out of town, and my mum is my best
friend. It's so unfair that I have to see this bag when I
wish I could see my mum more than 3 times a year. The background
on this hag is too long and depressing, so I'll keep it brief for
now. "Something wicked this way comes". My
mother has had 38 years of horror with my dad's mom, and, unfortunately,
I'm heading down the same road. No amount of coaching can
prevent my fury with this woman. My BF had serious financial
trouble last year, but he never asked for help from his family.
And, no one offered, even though MIL goes to a country club, takes
vacations, and endlessly buys stuff for herself. Her defense
was, "It's my money, and I'll spend it! Besides, I'm
too poor to help you!" So, my man and I struggled on
(despite the fact that she gives money hand over fist to his brother,
who needs nothing). He's finally in the clear now, with a
new job, and he feels better. But, seeing as my man's brother
has had a mega falling out with MIL, because she went too far with
the insults, and now they're not talking, we're going out to dinner
with her alone. She called tonight and said that she booked
us a table and has a gift certificate for $120. But, she said
that she's going to rack up a higher tab than that, tee hee!
She said, "You (my BF) can pick up the balance!!!!"
In her bizarro world where everything is backwards and everyone
is mean to her and she never is mean and annoying, she wants my
poor man to pay her back for all her help last year with his money
problems! And, this is from a woman who finds ancient gifts
that were given to BF when he was a kid (the gifts are in her basement),
wraps them, and gives them to him as presents now. She once
gave him a set of steak knives, but took a few out for herself and
gave the rest to him. And, she was proud to tell him this.
Oh my GOD! BF is giving her steak knives tomorrow as a present
as a joke. I'll give them to her right in the eye. I
feel so much better getting this down. There'll be more to
come. Oh, and get this anecdote. She's from Ireland
and was crowing that she could tell where anyone came from in Ireland
from their last name. So, at the family supper table BF said,
"What about this guy I know named "Paddy O'Furniture?",
and she tried to guess county names. She had to have it explained
to her that it was a joke. "You know, P-A-T-I-O furniture?"
Of course she got mad AHAHAHHAHAHA.
Signed - Cleaved One
Too Many Times By The Battle Ax
RESPONSE: Cleaved One Too Many Times By The Battle
Ax
"Something evil this way comes." Can you tell by the
prickling of your thumbs? As for the furniture, your guy has a
wicked sense of humor. In any case, both of you did not and should
never accept even one dollar from this woman. You'll never hear
the end of it. BIL learned this the hard way. Don't make the same
mistake.
RESPONSE: Cleaved One Too Many Times By The Battle
Ax
Well, if you are going to take her to dinner for her birthday, I
would say that BF should choose the restaurant. If the $120 certificate
will not be enough, or if the amount past that will be too high
for BF to cover, then a cheaper place should be chosen. However,
I do not agree that just because FMIL has money, BF should go to
her when he is having trouble. BF is an adult now, and should shoulder
ALL of his own financial burdens. It constantly amazes me how people
seem to think that their in-laws are rolling in dough, and that
their in-laws should give them all their extra money. Also, why
would you want BF indebted to MIL? If she gave him money, that
is just another thing to guilt him about, and hold over his head
later.
RESPONSE: Cleaved One Too Many Times By The Battle
Ax
So your big beef with your BF's mother is that she wouldn't fork
over the money when your boyfriend screwed up his finances? She's
right, it is her money, and your BF is an adult who doesn't have
the right to expect his mommy to bail him out. And, seeing how
you aren't even his wife, HOW is this any of your business?
RESPONSE: Cleaved One Too Many Times By The Battle
Ax
The answer is simple: Don't go. MIL is right when she says that
it's her money, and she can do as she pleases. But, BF does not
owe her anything, either, especially as he got nothing. While it
would have been nice to get some help, FBIL wised up and saw what
that help actually cost.
RESPONSE: Cleaved One Too Many Times By The Battle
Ax
Tell her, point blank, that you are in no financial position to
pay for such an expensive meal. If necessary, just don't go. She
has no qualms about spending your money, have no qualms about not
going.
RESPONSE: Cleaved One Too Many Times By The Battle
Ax
Your MIL really doesn't need a "defense" for not bailing
her adult son out of financial trouble, regardless of what she may
or may not do for his brother. Your "man" is supposed
to be a big boy now, and able to handle his own life, right? Mommy
shouldn't need to bail him out, and you have no legitimate reason
for resenting her for not coming to his rescue. It sounds as if
perhaps you and your "man" have some growing up to do.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives