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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
August 1, 2004
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AUGUST
2004
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Worst gift: My lovely
MIL told my DH last Christmas, "I didn't get your wife a
present, as I couldn't be bothered."
Signed - I Have The
Worst MIL In The UK!
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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My MIL is 78. She has
been with us since the day that we married, nearly 10 years ago.
She relies on me to take her everywhere that she has to go. If
I have any friends over, she sits in and listens to all that we
say. My DH works away, and only comes home for a few days every
2 weeks. She takes up most of his time. She even tells him the
news that I have for him about things that have happened. We NEVER
have "time alone", and if I want to go visit my dad for
a day or two, she won't talk to me. She has 5 other children, but
they won't lend a hand at all. None of them are married, and they
have homes of their own, but she won't go and stay with them to
give me a break, and they hardly ever phone her. It makes one wonder
why!! She always has an opinion on any little thing that I do.
Everything has to be done when she wants it done. She is an extremely
rude person, and her mind is going. She makes out to the rest of
the world that she is timid, but when it is just me, my children
and her, she is a very different and difficult person. She complains
about everything. When it comes to my housekeeping, I do it all
wrong, as far as she is concerned. For 10 years I have put up with
this, thinking that, in time, things will get better (after all,
patience is a virtue). But, it has not happened yet! Some days,
my head feels like it is going to explode. My DH tells me to ignore
it, and not to let MIL get to me, but it is hard not to. I do have
the patience of a saint, although it does get thin at times. I
love DH, and have good friends. That's how I cope.
Signed - My Story
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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I am a MIL. I am,
according to what is said on this site, not a good one. My
daughter is far away in graduate school, and my son lives 15 minutes
away with his wife of two years. My children were, and are,
the highlight of my life. I divorced their father nine years
ago (he left me for a woman almost our daughter's age). Though
I was devastated, furious, and lonely, I felt so fortunate to have
my children, who seemed to love to come home for holidays, or who
called for advice, or just to see how I was. I suppose that
I felt special and wanted, because my children still saw me as central
to their lives. For those of you who have experienced this,
you know how it is both liberating and frightening to find yourself
past middle age, with your children gone, and no spouse, when family
had formed the core part of your adult identity. I always
worked (I am a nurse) and I have friends. What hurts is that
my son, with whom I have a close relationship, is married to a woman
who does not seem to like me. I have been nothing but nice
to her. I give her lovely gifts for her birthday and Christmas,
and she does give me thoughtful gifts, even though I do not expect
them. But, she is very aloof towards me. I have seen
her be warm and effusive with others (my son, of course, and with
her friends and family at their wedding, but never towards me).
She is simply scrupulously polite. I have tried to draw her
out. I have invited her - just her - for weekend brunch, or
to go to a museum (we both like art), and, though she says, "Thank
you for asking," she always declines: too busy, too tired,
etc. It has gotten to the point that I feel uncomfortable
around her, and I feel that I cannot reach past her chilliness to
access my son. He invites me to join them for dinner at their
home every few weeks, and the atmosphere is very stilted.
I feel insecure in my own son's home and during holidays with them,
even with other family around. My DIL is reserved around our
family, but she is impenetrable around me. Lately I have given
her an excuse to be this way; when I go to their home for dinner,
I am more assertive. I try to ignore her and just talk to
my son. I find myself throwing out little barbs in hopes of
rousing her anger. Anything, anything is better than that
aloofness. But, all that has happened is that twice she has
abruptly left the room. My son has recently called me on my
behavior. When I told him how I felt, he said, "Mom,
DW is just shy; you have to give her time." And, he chastised
me for my treatment of her of late. Give her time? I
have known her for 5 years, and it has never changed! I feel
as if I am losing my son because of this. I feel unwanted
by my own son's wife, and I am terrified to think how it's going
to be when they have children. I feel very angry; he is, after
all, still MY SON! I have known him for all 29 years of his
existence! What can I do? I'm not confrontational by
nature, but I feel like she'll gradually take my son away from me.
And, maybe, also, I feel like my son has no use for me anymore,
that he has me to dinner because he feels obligated, and that, to
my DIL, I am one of the awful, heartless MILs who are described
on this site. Maybe I am. Please help!
Signed - Unwanted Stranger
In Own Son's Home
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
No, you don't sound like an awful MIL. Maybe just be neutral towards
her. Don't be mean, but don't go out of your way to be super-nice,
either. Some people do take a long time to warm to others. It
is nice that you do want to have a relationship with your DIL, rather
than regarding her as a rival.
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
There's an old saying which says "A daughter is a daughter
for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife". If all MILs
would remember that, it might make life easier. I know how difficult
it is to let go, especially when you were close to your son. As
an ex-MIL, I always went the extra mile to be nice to my son's wife.
I treated her as if she was my own daughter! And, although she
seemed a bit difficult, I always attributed that to her young age
and inexperience in life. I guess my head was in the sand, 'cause
to my big surprise (after they separated) everyone (including my
son) had noticed how badly "she" had treated me. I think
that many DILs might be a bit jealous of the special relationship
that a mother and son sometimes have. But, we have to make an effort
to get along. After all, we love the same man in different ways
and want him to be happy. So, everyone out there should make that
extra effort. There's good in everyone. After all, you raised
that young man/daughter to be the person who they are today and
with whom your DIL/SIL fell in love. Your son/daughter saw something
special in their spouse. We are all adults - let's behave like
adults!
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
I am the mother of two adult sons, so I know that you must be feeling
set aside. In a way, you are. As our children grow, we teach them
to be self sufficient adults who are able to care for themselves.
Then, they marry and begin a new life with their partner. If you
continue to "throw barbs", you will alienate yourself
from both of them. Your son is supporting his DW, as he should,
and as I expect my sons to do. They married her, not you. For
the time being, be thankful that you have the relationship that
you do have, and that you can see your son a much as you do. I
wish you well. Please develop interests and hobbies, find friends
to do things with, and let your son be a son to you and a DH to
his DW. You must have done a good job raising him, as he supports
his DW so well.
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
Okay, this is a situation where I see a lot of hope for improvement.
YOU, the MIL, can plainly see that something is wrong, but not what
it is. And, you've admitted that you have done some manipulative
things in an attempt to provoke a reaction of ANY kind. Is there
any chance at all that your DIL would agree to family therapy with
you, including your son, of course? Obviously, you feel that she
dislikes you for some reason, and I'd have to say, from your description
of the situation, that you are correct, and that she and your son
are giving you really obscure hints as to what the problem is.
Personally, I think that the problem is that you depend on your
son too much. He's an adult, your baby bird had to eventually leave
the nest. I think that you're too busy, resisting the natural changes
that are occurring, to find new things for YOURSELF in your own
life. When your children are adults, they should no longer be the
central focus of your existence. Find fun friends and interesting
things to do for yourself.
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
I really do feel for you, but I think that your expectations are
unrealistic. Your DIL is nothing if not polite to you, and after
reading some stories on this site, you should realize that this
is no small thing! While you might long for something "more",
like a close family relationship similar to the one you knew, you
have to accept that you can't always have that. You can still spend
time alone with your son, I'm sure, and then see your DIL on the
"big" occasions like holidays, birthdays, etc. I'm not
particularly thrilled by my MIL, so I try to avoid her as much as
possible, although I am also very polite. I know that she thinks
I'm really cold, but that's just my way. I'd rather that, than
for us to pretend that we are the best of friends, when, really,
we have nothing in common. Even if we did have a lot in common,
I wouldn't really want to spend a lot of time with her. The worst
thing that you can do (which seems to be happening already) is to
let this all descend into anger and vitriol. Please, salvage what
you can, accept what you can get, and count your blessings!
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
Wow! Whatever her aloofness, you mentioned that she has never been
mean to you. However, you find it perfectly okay to throw "barbs"
at her and be inexcusably rude and hurtful. How do you figure that
this will help your plight? Don't you see that if you act that
way, it will only cause your son and his wife to not want to be
with you?! Secondly, while he is your son, he is no longer your
baby. You are his mother, and that is it. He is a grown man of
almost thirty. His wife is his family and priority. He certainly
won't be around you as much, or talk to you as much. Most definitely,
you won't know much of what is going on in their lives. The reason
for this is simple; he is married and he is a grown man. He is
no longer your baby, and he no longer needs your help. You need
to get a group of people in your life, aside from your kids. Kids
shouldn't ever be the "central" thing in your life. That
isn't ever their job.
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
You're just going to have to accept that some personalities don't
mesh, and trying to force your DIL to conform to your standards
is only going to alienate her further. Yes, she's taking your son
away from you, at least to a certain extent. That's what a grown
man is supposed to do when he gets married - form a new family with
his wife. You are secondary to her now. And you're offended that
she won't rise to the bait when you deliberately try to offend her?
She's trying to be POLITE, for crying out loud, a concept which
seems to have eluded you. Let the woman be herself. Take the relationship
for what it actually is, and not what you want it to be (before
she refuses to be around you at all).
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
I'm sorry, and I feel for your situation. However, you seem to
throw out the words "MY SON" an awful lot. He may be
your son, but he is also her DH, and an adult. Standing up for
his wife was the right thing to do. I think that you were totally
wrong to treat your DIL like cr@p because she wasn't responding
to you, the way you wanted her to. If you want to know what is
wrong between the two of you, TALK TO HER! Don't go behind her
back and talk to her DH about her behavior. Your meanness, of late,
has probably caused a lot more trouble with your relationship with
your DIL than you think. You need to take her aside and apologize
for how you acted, and then explain to her why you acted that way.
Tell her exactly what you said here, and see what she says.
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
Did you ever think that maybe she *is* shy??? She may not know
how to approach you, and she may have been taught to decline invitations
so that she won't be a burden to you. Your son will always be your
son, but he's *hers* now.
RESPONSE: Unwanted Stranger In Own Son's Home
You say that you have been nothing but nice to her, but you ignore
her and talk only to your son. You throw out barbs to her to bait
her into an argument?? This does not sound to me like someone who
is being nothing but nice. You mention that he is YOUR SON. People
don't own other people. Just because you have known him for 29
years, that does not mean that you have some sort of stake in him.
You think that she is keeping you from getting to your son? I think
that your son can get to YOU if he wants to. I don't think that
she has him tied up so that he cannot communicate with the rest
of the world. My mother actually saw a counselor because she and
my SIL were not getting along. The counselor told my mother that
if she wants a relationship with her son, she needs to be nice to
her DIL. You may have burned your bridges. I don't know what kind
of barbs your threw her way, but you may have damaged the relationship
for good. All I can say is that you are lucky she is still polite
to you. MY MIL threw barbs at me for years. I treated her with
respect. I was taught to always respect my elders. I found her
to be two faced and rude, and I did not want to spend one on one
time with her outside of the family relationship that she had with
her son. Because of her behavior, she does see her son less. I
choose not to visit much, or invite them over any longer. She was
her own worst enemy. If she had accepted a cordial relationship,
we would have gotten together more often. But I couldn't take the
barbs any longer. I have too much respect for myself to put up
with that. She drove me away because it was not the "vision"
of the family that she wanted - the ideal she had in her mind.
She couldn't accept that, and now she has much, much less of her
son.
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Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives