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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
August 8, 2004
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AUGUST
2004
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- sonotthedrama /Posted: 8-AUG-04
MIL was supposed to go away for a vacation from
Saturday to Tuesday. She called up her brother and asked
him to come take grandma. She told him that it was a business
trip. He came and got grandma Saturday morning, and then
MIL decided not to go away. Instead, she spent the weekend
drinking and partying. She never bothered to tell her brother
that she didn't go away, and on Tuesday when he called and asked
if she wanted him to keep grandma for a few more days, she jumped
at the offer because she was "so tired from her business
trip". Her brother brought grandma home on Monday.
Tuesday night, MIL came to me and said, "I've got a problem.
Well, actually I have 2 problems." Yep, her employer
is actually sending her away for real this weekend! She
will be gone Friday and Saturday, and will come home late Sunday
afternoon. But, brother just had grandma for over a week,
so she didn't feel that she could call him again. And, she
wouldn't call her other brother to come take his turn at taking
care of grandma, because he is her favorite brother, and she didn't
want to put him out by making him take care of his own mother.
So, she expected me to care for grandma all weekend. Or,
as she tried to sugarcoat it, "Just take her to the bathroom
a couple of times and make her a sandwich." Grandma
is bedridden with Parkinson's and Arthritis. She requires
bathroom breaks every 3 hours or she wets her diaper. I
will have to get her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Grandma
experiences moments of dementia, which are very unsettling.
She is also prone to falling. Once she is on the ground,
it takes a monumental effort to get her back in bed. IMO,
she should already be in a home. You are saying that I am
ungrateful. What's the big deal about taking care of grandma
for 1 weekend? Well, I have a 5 year old with a bladder
infection and a cold, a 2 1/2 year old with a stomach virus and
cold, and a 5 month old who is getting 3 teeth at once, and has
a cold and a stomach virus. And, of course, I am also coming
down with a cold/stomach virus. So, I have enough just trying
to keep up with my 3 kids without having to take on grandma.
But, when I suggested that MIL try to ask her other brother, she
refused and just left it on my lap to deal with. Oh, and
her "other problem" is that she wants to go out of town
next Thursday and leave me with grandma again while she goes to
visit her newest BF's family. And, when she got the vibe
that I wasn't happy about this whole situation, she offered to
"baby-sit" for me if I want to go see a movie.
Hhmmm, that's a fair trade - she watches my kids for 2 hours so
that I'll watch her mother for a whole weekend! I think
that I'll finally have to put my foot down on this one!
Signed - Fed Up With
Her!
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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DH's youngest sister is
super supportive of me as custodial step-mom during my stepdaughters'
time with me during the summer, while their dad works during the
day. But his mom and oldest sister have begun to become critical
of how I deal with issues that come up during the day with DH's
children. They have always been critical. They are just
using a different slant on their criticisms and judgments now.
I raised my own twin son and daughter successfully to responsible,
mature adulthood. They behave like mature adults, love their
families and are responsible wage-earners. MIL and oldest
SIL are now using the catch phrase, "Dad should be the one
to deal with it." Since I am the primary caregiver during
the day, every day, and I am alone with them five to six days, 60
plus hours per week (including DH's driving time to and from work,
shopping, etc.), that is not always possible. Issues come
up, when DH is not at home, that need immediate attention.
It is not possible to call him at work to deal with every issue
that comes up. AND, it's not always wise to leave such issues
dangling, without immediate consequences for misbehaving, for several
hours until he comes home from work. His youngest sister LOVES
these girls like they were her own. She could not have her
own children, but she is the most objective and supportive of me
out of all of his mother's family. DH's father died in the
1970s after a heart attack, so he is not in the picture. Because
of younger sister's love for these children, I truly respect her
opinion. She also is a step-mom to her DH's biological child.
She has been there, at least on a non-custodial basis, during her
DH's consistently exercised, regular visitation with his son.
Oldest SIL hardly has anything to do with my DH's DD at all, except
to throw her advice around. She is a nurse, and thinks that
she knows everything about medicine, psychology, and parenting.
Other family members have complained to me about her know-it-all
attitude. I just listen and remain silent. I am a loving,
but firm and consistent stepmother. I was a loving, but firm
and consistent disciplinarian as a biological, actively involved
mother to twins. I was married to their dad for 19 years,
and we were a family unit until my children were 16. After
a few months with their dad, both my twins decided to live with
me until they became adults. I was also an elementary school
teacher with major academic and behavioral successes with some very
difficult and troubled students. I was still teaching when
I met and married DH, and then I decided to give up teaching to
open up a home-based business so that I could set my own work hours
and devote more time and attention to his DDs. While teaching,
I was often bringing work home, and had very little time for family
during the school year. His DDS, now 13 and 8, had a rough
start in life from their biological mother who emotionally, verbally
and physically abused them. We have documented specific episodes
which the family psychologist, who conducted parenting evaluations
during our recent custody case, is aware of. The judge who
granted us custody of DH's DDS is also familiar with the outcomes
of this psychologist's evaluations. The girls' mother is
a bulimic, a compulsive spender, a pathological liar, an alcoholic,
and drug abusive role model who manipulated, conned, and used people,
including her own daughters, to get what she wanted. This
includes constant revenge against DH and me. She threw out
the girls' stepfather, and moved in a convicted child molester boyfriend
the same day that she threw their step-dad out! We have a
copy of the court documents to prove that mom's new BF molested
his biological daughter). The ex tried to deny that BF molested
his daughter from age 2 to age 12 (the case in the court documents)
before the court when we went for temporary custody (after she moved
the child molester in). She had tried to hide all of this
from us, but the girls' step-dad made sure that we were aware of
it after he looked at the BF's court record himself at the county
courthouse. I love these girls enough that I gave DH the money
to pay for the attorney, and found the right attorney myself to
FIGHT for their custody so that they would not be BF's next sexual
assault victims. The judge felt that our concerns were justified,
and he knew that both my DH and I would love the girls and bring
them up right. Their mother did not even show up for the court
hearing to decide whether their dad should have permanent custody.
After demonstrating how far I would go to love these girls
and protect them, why am I constantly having to butt heads with
my DH's family at every turn? Why can't they support me as
a custodial step-mom so that I can help to undo the psychological
damage that has already been done, instead of their cultivating
the already existing problems of these children by encouraging their
disrespect of my authority? I don't LIKE having to discipline,
but because of my role as primary caregiver in their lives I HAVE
to be able to discipline them or to talk to them about important
issues during the day when they come up. Their disrespectful
attitudes toward me encourage the oldest to get really strange ideas
in her head that are totally opposite from reality. She dwells
on them, and then blames me if something does not suit her in our
household. Then, she lashes out at me by destroying or throwing
away things of value to me. When caught, she always denies
her actions, whether caught by her dad or me, whether we actually
saw her do it or not. She denies her actions, while with DH's
younger sister, who is my age, and behaves in a very mature manner
when dealing with this child's behavior issues. Last week,
DH had an episode that may have involved his heart. His test
results indicate that, at the very least, he needs to adjust his
diet. He still has to discuss his test results with the doctor.
This means that we will eliminate chips, soft drinks, tea, and ice
cream - the girls' favorite snack foods and drinks. I have
spent hours researching the low cholesterol diet, and have finally
made a grocery list to accommodate the changes. It's like
starting all over. I am going to have to clean out our cabinets,
because if it's here, and DH wants it (although he's wonderful in
most ways), he will eat it, even if he knows that it will send his
cholesterol and sodium levels through the roof. The 13-year-old
daughter has already expressed her disappointment with having to
give up the chips and ice cream, although I am buying an ice cream
freezer and adapting recipes so that we can still have low cholesterol
ice cream. She says that homemade ice cream is "nasty".
She has already decided that she does not want to even try anything
different. Earlier this summer, so that we could have some
quality family outings, I purchased season passes to a large amusement
park after oldest daughter said that she wanted to ride most of
the rides if we went. I'm 49 and I still love the coasters,
so I loved the idea! I guess I'm a kid at heart when it comes
to play. She chickened out and stayed behind, crying, with
her dad (dad did not feel that his heart could take it) while 8-year-old
sister rode one big ride with me. The 8-year-old did not even
cry on the ride. It was the first big roller-coaster that
she had ever ridden. I had talked dad into taking the girls
camping this summer after they return from a trip with dad's youngest
sister and her husband. The girls, DH, and I all love to camp
out. DH's test results will determine whether or not we go
camping. If not, I would still love for us to go on a mini-vacation,
if possible. We took the girls to a family fun center to celebrate
getting custody of them. I play games with them during the
day after lunch to spend quality time with them. I'm there
for them when they need to talk to me about whatever they need to
talk about. They are affectionate towards me, as I am towards
them. Their dad and I tuck both of them in together every
night. I help with their homework and help them prepare for
tests during the school year. The oldest made her first A
in math because I helped her. The youngest received principal's
letters for being an "A" honor student twice this year.
So, I know that I'm doing some things right. I know that I'm
not a bad step-mom. Why can't the rest of his mom's family
support me, stop trying to undermine the girls' respect for me,
and stop trying to undermine my confidence as a custodial step-mom
(I like "bonus mom" better)? All of them backbite
each other to me. I always just listen and don't say anything.
They backbite me TO each other. DH's brother told me that
this was why my MIL and DH's sisters were treating me badly before
we gained permanent custody of his daughters. Family backbiting
never helps anyone! It only destroys families. DH and
I talked to the family psychologist about this during custody evaluations.
She disapproved strongly of the backbiting and trouble-making attitudes
in DH's family. You can tell that I'm frustrated. I
am near tears often now, but I'm determined to hang on and tough
out the storms with the girls, DH's family, and with DH's health.
He's a good man, and I love him and his daughters. Any suggestions
to help weather the storms are welcomed and greatly appreciated.
Signed - Frustrated Eternal
Optimist
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
I think that you seem well meaning, but the problems described here
sound as though they go beyond the scope of a caring stepmother,
even one with your background. You should encourage them to get
help. Optimist
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
I really feel for you. You sound like you are really achieving
things with those girls, and it must be extra-hard to do it against
a chorus of disapproval from MIL and her flying monkeys. Don't
take the 13 year old's sulking and pouting to heart. ALL 13 year
old girls sulk and pout and say things are "nasty". In
the long run, the girls will see that you have been the loving and
consistent one in their lives.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
The best thing that you can do is get your DH to tell these people
to lay off of you. They are his mom and sister. HE needs to be
the one to tell them off. You are the mother to these 2 girls now
that birth mom is out of the picture, and unless DH shows you 100%
support, no one will respect you as such (not DH's family, or the
girls). Also, as to the snacking thing, while I agree that eating
healthy is a great thing, I don't think that it's fair to deprive
the girls of treats once in awhile just because your DH can't control
himself. He is an adult. He should be able to exercise some self-control.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
Well, I reread the post about 3 times, but I missed seeing any mention
of what your DH thinks about or says to his family, about their
undermining your authority. I'm sure that dad does not want to
have to be the "bad guy" all the time, which is what would
happen if you had to defer every decision to him all the time.
If your DH supports your style and choice of discipline, then you
should present a united front to MIL and SIL, and BOTH of you should
tell them that they're unsolicited opinions on child raising are
no longer necessary. Once you have both informed them, you can
and should just ignore any further commentary on their part. You
and DH should also have a separate meeting with the DDS, and make
sure they know that, no matter what GM and Auntie say, Bonus Mom
is indeed going to discipline when the time is right, and that dad
will back you up every time.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
STOP HAVING CONTACT WITH MIL AND THE BAD SIL. You have enough on
your plate without having to undo their damage. I would also press
to adopt the girls so that you will become their mom, not the step-mom.
If something happens to your DH, those girls go right back to their
mom and the child-molester. If you adopt the girls, then you will
not have to worry about returning them to an abusive environment.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
Good luck to your DH with his heart stuff. If the older daughter
is so fond of ice cream and such, you could reserve it for out-of-the-house
treats. Your DH needs to take responsibility for some of his own
behavior around the fatty snacks, too! You're doing well to revise
the family's diet and keep better food around. But, beware of crossing
the line to make DH's intake your next crusade. He's an adult,
and if you want to talk role-modeling, you might consider what you're
teaching his daughters about the men they'll spend time with. Besides,
you have enough on your hands. How much time do you, DH, and especially
the SDs really, truly need to spend with the unsupportive ILs?
Are they somehow necessary, like oxygen? You can cut down on that
without any big fuss. Just don't schedule time with them, and don't
make a big statement about it. I'd bet you an ice-cream cone that
you'll all find life easier and more fun then.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
Given that your stepchildren are children, and the in-laws are putative
adults, my vote goes to protecting the children by staying away
from the adults who are making your job so much harder. The children,
any children, are not equipped to deal with and sort through the
inconsistent messages that your DH's family is sending out, so they
must be protected by being kept away from these people. DH needs
to give his family a straight talk and let them know that due to
their BS, they won't be seeing his children, since he cannot trust
them to behave in the children's best interest. It will be ugly,
but it's going to be ugly no matter what you say or do, no matter
how well you do your parenting job. You are going to have to get
your positive feedback from your DH, the family counselor, and from
inside yourself. Know that you are doing a difficult job very well.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
Family counseling. All of you, ESPECIALLY your DH. You need the
support from your DH. From all of our experience here at the boards,
the only way that we've been able to achieve that is counseling.
Come on over to the message board for support!
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
What a wonderful (step) mom you are. You are the girls' mom now,
and it sounds like you are very dedicated and loving to them. I
am sure that a lot of what is going on with the teenager is normal
for all that she has been through. As far as your MIL and the rest
of the family who are undermining your family, I would suggest the
following (this will not be easy, but I feel that it is necessary).
You and your DH both need to sit down and be a united front. Tell
his mom that you will not tolerate her undermining your effort to
raise DH's DDS She is to keep her opinions away from the girls.
If need be, she will not be allowed to talk, write, and visit the
girls without you or your DH being physically present. The last
thing that this young lady needs is more conflicting views from
a nasty GM. The most important role in our lives is to give our
children/grandchildren the tools to become well adjusted and reasonably
happy adults.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Eternal Optimist
I'm responding to my own story to let everyone know that later posts
are signed SMFacingReality. Oldest SD's and IL's manipulation have
taken its toll. Since this post, DH has made excuses and defended
her. He has twisted and distorted the truth to lash out at me in
front of the girls to get even with me for addressing issues of
manipulation of oldest daughter. I have to do what is best for
ME. I am tired of his childish theatrics and being the scapegoat
in DH's family. I am leaving him.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives