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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
August 11, 2004
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AUGUST
2004
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I was always skinny, until the
year after I got married. Then, I gained 25+ lbs.
I knew that I had to lose weight. Every time after that
when we had to go to dinner with the MIL/FIL/SIL, they would make
comments about how I looked like I was losing weight (I had not
even begun to diet or exercise at this point). I felt REALLY
self conscious about it then. I didn't even want to eat
in front of them, not to mention the fact that if we went to their
house, they would constantly try to shove food in my face.
I eventually lost 30 lbs., and looked great once again.
They never said anything, of course, except the younger sister,
who has always been nice to me. But, the older SIL and the
MIL never said anything. Now I barely eat at their house.
I usually eat something small before we go over there so that
I'm not that hungry while I am there, and eat very little.
OH YEAH, did I mention that the two SILs weigh about 110 each???
I know that they (MIL/older SIL) wanted me to keep getting bigger.
Nice people, aren't they??????
Signed - fedupwithher
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5 |
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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When my DH and I married,
we both brought with us a load of baggage from our former marriages.
The baggage was financial, emotional, and physical. I always remind
him that he was unlike a lot of my own family members, and stuck
by me when things were so difficult. My ex and his ex are both
very manipulative, and they lie to our children and use the children
to hurt us. Needless to say, we have spent numerous hours and dollars
in court trying to get what every parent should have the right to.
DH's baggage is more financial, while mine is emotional. My ILs
just sit there with their hands in their laps while his ex takes
serious advantage of him. During our courtship he found himself
to be homeless due to paying out over half of his paycheck to his
ex, whom he was separated from at the time, and had been separated
from for 5 years. But, due to her manipulation and not letting
go, they were not divorced. I took him in, despite my convictions
against living together before marriage. He has always been the
most accommodating, loving, and considerate person whom I have ever
met. Well, my ILs, no matter how much they claimed to hate the
ex, would just not get into helping him financially, or even make
a statement to the courts about the children's welfare. I was the
one to do all of this, as DH constantly tells me. About 2 years
ago DH, without my knowledge, asked his parents for $350 to pay
the house payment - the house that I had owned, and we owned now
as a married couple. Without his knowledge, my MIL emailed me a
message that was so hurtful I could hardly breathe while reading
it. She claimed that I did not deserve my children to visit me,
as we could not afford food for them, and I should give away my
dog, a three pound miniature Chihuahua, because we could not afford
to feed him, either. This was so hurtful to me, because I had no
idea that they had any hard feelings toward me. They always told
me that they loved me, and that I was welcome in their home anytime.
I just had no idea that they felt any animosity towards me. I did
not tell DH about the email until a day or so later. I emailed
her back, telling her that I did not feel that hurting each other
was the answer. I told her how much we both appreciated the loan
that they had given us. I said that I was unaware that they felt
the way they felt towards me, so I would no longer be visiting them,
but I would, in no way, have bad feelings about DH visiting. They
never call here anymore. FIL emailed me at Christmas and apologized
for any hurt that he may have caused me. He told me that his wife
never apologizes for anything, so I should not expect any word from
her. I believe that he feels really bad about what she did. I
feel strongly that I cannot allow people who hurt me into my life
when I know, without a doubt, that I have done nothing to hurt them.
Even today I would do nothing to hurt them, but I surely will not
set myself up for this hurt from them again. I feel that if my
son had been in their son's shoes and someone did for him what I
did for their son, I would be so grateful, and I would appreciate
them. I am not looking for them to praise me, just to appreciate
me and treat me equally. DH and I have always committed ourselves
to being each other's favorite in the "whole wide world"
(in his words), and this hurt him as much as it hurt me. Our children
continue to insult and hurt us with their other parent's assistance.
I feel strongly that seeing us as a strong couple will help them
see a good example of a family.
Signed - Treat Me Equally
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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MIL is overly involved,
to say the least. It all started when I found out that I was
pregnant with my DS. She bought several books on how to care
for a newborn. She told me that she wanted to be sure that
I was caring for her grandson properly. Oh, but the books
weren't to help me, they were for her to monitor my every move and
to tell me what I was doing wrong. ALL THE TIME. I have
my own mother, thank you. She would even ask my DH questions
about the baby, constantly, while he was at work. Being a
new mom, I felt really insecure, since she constantly questioned
me. Looking back, though, I was a very attentive and loving
mom. Well, that should have been the first clue that she was
going to be constantly getting into our business. She even
told her employer that she needed to go part time in order to help
care for her grandson. She told me that she "ASSUMED"
that she would be caring for our newborn. Are you kidding
me?? I'm the mother. What the he!!?? She knew
that I was going to be a SAHM. The other problem is that my
DH, admittedly, discusses our personal business with her, which
she has the nerve to comment to me about it! Since when did
she marry me? Obviously, it was when DH married me.
Believe it or not, she has even asked my DH about our sex life.
My son is now 3, and I am at the breaking point. DH just doesn't
get it. He tells me just to ignore her. It is virtually
IMPOSSIBLE. I feel like I should be able to live my life without
all of this BS. My own mother doesn't treat me like this.
My son had a fever the other day, and she said that she needed to
check him to verify. VERIFY???? Like I'm an idiot and
can't tell when my son is sick. All of this is starting to
interfere with my relationship with my DH. I feel like I need
to divorce both of them. HELP!!! I've been to counseling
regarding this issue. I learned that I can not control her
behavior. I can only control my own behavior. But, the
constant criticism is driving me crazy. We even moved 3 months
ago. I thought that the distance would help. She followed.
Signed - Desperate Mom
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
Hang up the phone. Close the door. Walk away from conversations.
The first few times are the hardest. If your DH complains, tell
him that you're ignoring her, just as he suggested. Some people
require more active feats of ignoring than others.
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
You need to set serious boundaries for her. And, stop picking up
the phone. And, stop opening the door. And, get your DH to go
to counseling with you. He's a major part of the problem, since
he sees no problem, and thinks that just ignoring her will work,
while she sends your blood pressure through the roof. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
Wow, what a nightmare. I feel for you, I really do. I'm engaged,
and something tells me that my soon to be MIL will be like this.
DF is not only her only son, he's her only child. She tried for
years and years and years to get pregnant. Not to mention, she
and her ex got divorced about 8 years ago, so her DS is just about
the only thing that she lives for. She also has these mood swings
and changes of heart. One day she absolutely LOVES me, and the
next day she can't stand me. Anyway, enough about my story. I
just wanted to tell you how bad I feel for you.
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
Ideally, your DH will stand up for you and set limits with his mother.
But, until you can get him to stand by his family, you may need
to set limits yourself. You do not have to talk to your MIL or
let her into your home unless you want to. You do not have to discuss
details of your life with her. Use caller ID to avoid her. If
she asks a question that is none of her business, tell her that
it's none of her concern! She cannot play by your rules if she
does not know what they are. Sit her down and tell her that you
appreciate her intentions to help you, but that her interference
is NOT appreciated.
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
Your counselor is right about one thing - you cannot control her
behavior. However, you CAN change her behavior by changing yours.
When your child has a fever, and she says that she needs to take
his temperature to verify it, TELL HER, "NO". Start standing
up for yourself and tell her, "NO". You don't have to
be rude about it, just blunt and straightforward (though you will
be accused of being rude, anyway). When she starts criticizing
your parental abilities, tell her that you're doing a fine job,
and that you don't need her advice - you'll ask for it when you
do. When she makes commentary about your sex life, tell her that
it's none of her business. If she ever says, "Well, DS told
me ---," then tell her that what he chooses to discuss with
her is his business, but what you choose to discuss is yours, and
you aren't discussing it with her. Stand up for yourself!
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
I am very sorry that you are going through all this nonsense, when
you should just be enjoying watching your son grow up. As you say,
you cannot change anyone but yourself, and that goes for your DH,
too. He has to want to change before you will be free of that overly
involved old bat. Use your Caller ID. If you see that MIL is calling,
don't answer the phone. If she comes walking up the path, put DS's
coat on and tell her that you are just going out. If she phones
DH at work and badgers him, and he comes home and relays all this
to you, tell him that you don't want to hear about it. Finally,
please come over to the boards, where you will find tons of really
good help and support.
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
This is true. You cannot control her behavior, but you CAN refuse
to be anywhere near her. Cut off contact. Do not answer her phone
calls, block her number, and do not allow her into your house.
Tell DH that he has to visit mom at her house, as you can no longer
take any contact from the busybody. If you have been being nice
all this time because confronting her behavior is rude, well, it
is time to be rude. If you have never told her to STOP IT!, now
is the time. If you have told her to stop it, and she ignores you,
tell her that her actions have caused your reaction, and you will
not be party to her manipulations and "helpful advice"
anymore. Take control of what you can take control of. It is more
than you think!
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
You are going to have to put your foot down here and tell MIL that
you are the mother, not her, and how you raise your child is none
of her business. Tell her to butt out. DH is not going to stand
up to her, so you will have to. I stood up to my MIL, since DH
would not. As a result, she is no longer in my life. She is not
welcome in my home, and if I see her in a public place, we cut each
other dead. DH and I are still together, after all we have been
through. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
Tell DH, in no uncertain terms, that loose lips sink ships, and
he is in the process of sinking his own marriage more surely than
a scud missile ever would. His behavior is all the more reprehensible,
in that it is YOU, not he, who is getting all the backlash from
his wagging tongue. If he can't put a cork in it, he should move
back in with mommy. That way, they can chat up a storm to their
heart's content.
RESPONSE: Desperate Mom
I feel for you. Perhaps your DH could read the same books and get
his wake up call? Perhaps you guys could talk it out with MIL,
with the help of a counselor or mediator? If not, then, unfortunately,
you've married a mama's baby, and need to make some decisions.
Best of luck.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives