Mother-In-Law Stories August 25, 2004

Mother-In-Law Stories
August 25, 2004

Latest Stories

JULY 2004
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31

AUGUST 2004
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

Latest Responses

Worst Gift Stories

Dr. Terri Apter Advice

Frequent Fry Her Pages

<-- Prev. Day

Next Day -->

Entire Archives Calendar

Frequent Fry Her^TM - MyMILDramaQueen, 1 of 4 needed /Posted: 25-AUG-04
My mom and dad were here when I gave birth to my second son. When we went to the hospital, they kept our 4 year old. We called both sets of parents to give updates, and told them to stay put until we had the baby and got settled in a room. The nurse came in and told me to get ready, it was time. I had been in labor for about 6 hours, and it was about 7:30 am. Guess who walked through the delivery room door? My MIL. I shot her a "what are you doing here?" look, and my DH promptly escorted her out the door. He was furious, and told her to wait in the waiting room and to stay put. The delivery went great, and we called my parents to bring our son in so that he could be the first person to see the new baby. We had both sets of parents waiting outside, to make it fair, and then we had our son come in. We thought that everything was okay, until a couple of days later. We found out that my MIL went to my FIL and cried. She said that we made her wait to find out when the baby was born, and she had to wait in the waiting room. She was irritated when she found out from the nurse, not from us, that the baby was born. But, as soon as my DH was sure that our son was on the way, and that the baby and I were okay, he went to go get her. She just couldn't keep herself at home or in her seat in the waiting room, and she asked the nurse, every 5 minutes, if the baby had been born. I was only pushing for 20 minutes. We found out that the nurse finally told her to sit, and that she would let her know. DH told his dad that his wife and kids come before his mom. Since then, I have been treated worse than ever. We do not get invited to birthday parties for her or my FIL, and she comes over to see my DH when I am not there.

Signed - Always There

Strongly Agree

Somewhat Agree

Somewhat Disagree

Strongly Disagree

Please Seek Counseling

Continue on Message Board

MIL and I have never been on the best of terms. Our relationship really hit bottom when she and her daughter both decided that it would be fine if they both threatened to walk out of our wedding if we invited her ex husband's wife to the festivities. Anyway, MIL and I got into it a few months after the wedding. I have never, in my life, been so POed with anyone that I have been forced to get verbally and physically expressive. Now, as is the norm afterwards, she sent me a letter telling me that she was so sorry, but that everything was my fault. The following three years after my wedding consisted of DH's siblings (he has five) calling to see if I would be at such and such gathering. If they found out that I wouldn't be there, then they would mooch money off of DH. It's taken so much effort just to get them to pay it back. One of his sibs is bipolar, and we spent the first two years of our marriage getting him out of jail or visiting him in the hospital. DH is also in charge of his Social Security checks, and has to visit every month to hand over his money. It came to a head when, for the third time in three months, this sib was put in jail for behavior that stemmed from alcohol abuse while on his meds. This took place at 3:30 in the AM during the busy season of DH's work, when he functions on very little, if any sleep. I flew into a rage as he got up out of bed to go get him one more time. I asked him if sib ever called anyone else for these events. He told me that he didn't want to pass the buck to one of his other sibs. As it turns out, everyone got a call, but none of them picked up the phone! When we visited his brother and his wife, who just had a new baby and were telling us how lucky we were not to have kids (we have kids - the adult useless kind!), I told wifey that we were going to start sharing the responsibilities of the time and money moochers. She told me that they would not get involved in any way with helping us or trying to straighten out the dysfunctional sibs. So, I said, "I guess I'm looking at a divorce then, aren't I?" Within a few days, his mom was finally accepting the checks and dealing with the bipolar sib's behavior, and it's been almost a year since we've had an incident. The other sibs are still mooching, and it's going to be a long road before my DH finally gets burned enough by his mother's lack of desire to be a parent. He doesn't see a problem with his behavior, and his mother has always treated him like this was his responsibility, since his father and mother divorced. I sometimes look back and think, "What the he!! was I thinking?!" He will not change, because his mother and family are treating him like I am victimizing him. His sister, at one point, even told me that she felt sorry for him for marrying me. He is an enabler, and my head hurts from hitting it against this wall for the past eleven years. His mother is also bipolar. I now realize that I've written about my DH, not my MIL, which is what I am supposed to be writing about. This marriage is ruining my nerves. Right now we are remodeling the kitchen. I don't think that a kitchen remodel is really what we need. I am in the midst of what happens when mentally dysfunctional people have children, and it's making me mentally dysfunctional. My DH is a highly respected professional in his field, and I just don't understand why he doesn't see this behavior, and why he can't support me through all of their snide remarks, backhanded compliments, and sneaky behavior. They treat him like he's gold, as long as he does for them, and he won't stop doing for them. He told me that I couldn't touch the money in the bank account (I work also) because it was for the kitchen. The next thing I found out was that his brother called him and needed money, since he is out of work due to a suspicious car accident. So, there he goes again. If his siblings and mom need anything, he's right there. If I want something, it's "What do you want? Why do you want that? You don't contribute anything to the household?" Does he mean cooking, cleaning, paying for the oil bill, buying the food, paying the dry cleaning bill, and helping him with his business? By the way, DH, I also work full-time outside of the house. Yes, DH, you're so right! I've even heard that line from his friends. I don't know with whom I am more fed up - my DH or my MIL, who taught him to be this way.

Signed - Annoyed Beyond Measure

Per the poster's request, no responses collected.

My DH and I are expecting our first child, the first grandchild on either side, after the first of the year. There have been problems with his mother, my MIL, since before we were married, almost 5 years ago. My relationship with her keeps getting worse and worse, and she blames me for it. And, now she's brainwashed her two daughters, too, so they don't speak to me. The youngest one even wrote my DH an e-mail late last fall telling him what a b!tch I am, and how I'm so nasty and underhanded. And, now MIL doesn't think that she should be held accountable for what SIL said (by the way, SIL is getting married next spring - I think that she should be held accountable, since she's grown up enough to get married). My concern is that these three women (FIL, unfortunately, died right after our wedding) think that they are going to be able to see this child, who is coming into our lives, on a regular basis. Neither one of the SILs has spoken directly to me about it, even to say congratulations. They sent cards saying "Congratulations", and they ask about "the baby" when they e-mail (or, rarely, when they call) DH. They don't ask about me. They don't ask to speak to me. And they don't e-mail me. I feel a little bit like they consider me to be the incubator or something, since they haven't said anything to me directly about it. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive because being around this family has caused a high-strung reaction to EVERYTHING they do. I just wonder if anyone else out there get treated that way (as if you're just the one carrying the child and doing all the work to get the baby born, and the ILs just ignore you)? I don't feel right about them assuming that they're going to see my child all that often, because I feel that they need to have a good, solid relationship first with DH, then with me. Then they can have a relationship with my child. I won't be the shadow here. I exist. As an aside, DH and I love my parents, and they will not only be at the birth - waiting in the waiting room, of course - but they are also coming to our next ultrasound, when we find out what "it" is. I can't wait until MIL finds out about that! She'll want to shoehorn her way into doing something like that, too, and there is no way that's going to happen. I guess that deep down I don't care whether I have a relationship with any of them, because they've treated me so poorly in the past. But, I hate the fact that they think the slate will be wiped clean when the baby comes.

Signed - The Incubator

RESPONSE: The Incubator
You didn't explain DH's take on this whole thing. Does he think that his family WILL have total access to your child? If so, that is your problem. If not, limit their access, as both of you see fit.

RESPONSE: The Incubator
I've heard about a number of cases like yours, especially in cultures where babies/children are considered ultra-cute. I agree with you that your ILs cannot just expect to see your child all the time, as if it is owned by the family. It's yours and your DH's. When the baby does arrive, make sure that your ILs know that they can't come over uninvited, otherwise you'll have them suddenly appear on your doorstep, with cookies, pretending that you're their best friend in the entire world. Do not purposely try, however, to aggravate your ILs. I understand that you'd love to see them hurt after the ultrasound (we all have that need for revenge sometimes), but just be careful not to make things worse than they already are. Good luck with your baby, and your ILs, of course.

RESPONSE: The Incubator
You're right in thinking that these women need to show you some respect before they are allowed to have a relationship with your young child. Your DH needs to make this clear to them, but if he refuses to do so, then you have unrecognized marital problems that may need to be resolved in counseling. You should also give some serious thought to how you'll keep MIL away from the birth. You may want to avoid telling her which hospital you'll be at, or when the exact due date is (you may even need to feed her false information). In addition, you need to make it abundantly clear to the hospital staff that no one is to be allowed in the birth room with you.

RESPONSE: The Incubator
Many of us DILs are thought of as incubators. What the ILs don't realize is that when the baby comes, it is his or her parents who have all the say and control (assuming you do not allow them to usurp it from you). When my child came, I drew very strict limits about when and how much they were able to visit. No matter how much you dislike them, attend the visits, rather than allowing then unsupervised time with your son or daughter. If they complain about the limited time, a simple, "I am the mother, and this is what I think is appropriate," will suffice. This will only work if you and your DH are a united front. So, discuss it with him, and make sure that you come to an agreement. In the meantime, try to enjoy your pregnancy and avoid the ILs.

RESPONSE: The Incubator
You are not the only one out there whose ILs treat you like you don't exist. I'm in the same boat. I also have a good friend who has a mother and stepfather who treat her like that, because they don't approve of her being with her DH. They have never liked him since day one. I'll tell you, he is one of the nicest guys out there, too.

RESPONSE: The Incubator
Unfortunately, I am experiencing similar situations with my MIL and SIL. I am expecting in late January with our first child, too. You are a part of that family, just as much as your DH is. You married into the family and they should accept you. The same thing is going on with me, but my MIL and SIL always talk through my DH and tell him to tell me things. I'm so sick of it. Right now, the big dilemma is that I don't want ANYONE but my DH and me at the hospital during the birth, and for about an hour afterwards. That is my decision, and I feel that it should be respected (I want time to google over my FIRST BORN, count the toes, and experience what it is like to be a MOM for the first time). That is for my DH and me. And, as I look at it, they weren't there when I conceived, and they don't need to be there when he comes out. Anyway, off my story - you do what is best for YOU, your DH and your baby. Don't make others happy until you make yourself happy. The past IS NOT in the past, it needs to be discussed first. And, if they are not willing to accept you and get to know who you are, say bye-bye for a while. You don't need that kind of stress. God bless and good luck.

RESPONSE: The Incubator
I am coming at this from a bit of a different angle here, but here goes. My ILs are pissed off at me right now (over something really, really stupid on their part), and it means that they don't call, they don't show up during the middle of my 8 month old's feedings/naps/bedtime ritual, etc. It's great!! Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for DH, but it's so much easier not having to worry about their crud. I asked DH what I'd done to tick them off so royally - so that I could do it again when they got too jerky in the future. He laughed and said that's a great idea. So, maybe you don't need to waste time wondering, and move on with your life.

Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally, one set of responses will be posted per day).