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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
September 9, 2004
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AUGUST
2004
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SEPTEMBER
2004
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After 5 years of dating and having
a 1 year old, my partner and I decided to get married. We
planned a small, informal ceremony in a garden in the spring in
the southeastern part of the US. That means very warm weather.
I did not request that the mothers wear anything special, just
something that they felt comfortable in. My MIL showed up
in a black dress, black hose, and black shoes! So, I've
been wondering for years if this was intentional, or if she really
didn't realize the implication?
Signed - Still Wondering
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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There is truth to the
adage, "You never completely know someone until you live with
them." I have been married to my DH for almost 14 years.
For the past couple of years, we knew that my MIL was concerned
about retirement. Truthfully, she has made some very bad financial
decisions during her life. But, we took it upon ourselves to "do
the right thing". We approached her at the Christmas of 2002
with the idea of her moving in with us. Realistically, at the time,
our house would not support another person, and she had just bought
a huge house for herself. What bank gives a mortgage to a woman
about to retire, and who is working 2 jobs to support it? Who knows.
By the summer of 2003, she was eager to start talking business about
our plan. It was a bad time for me. My 18 year old son left home
abruptly, and for months we didn't know if he was alive or dead.
But, she still wanted to talk about this. We came to the decision
that we would sell our house and move into hers (my DH, 4 year old
DD, and me). My son said he had no interest with living with us.
By November, we found out that we had a potential buyer for our
house, without putting it on the market, so my MIL told us, "NOW
IS THE TIME." I wasn't quite ready for this so soon. Between
the neighbor, who wanted to move us out for her friend, and my MIL,
I felt like life was being run for me. In December, MIL said that
she wanted me to start moving our things over so that we could be
moved in by Christmas. We totally renovated a storage space between
the basement and first floor to accommodate our things until we
needed them. After I moved about 6 large boxes, the grumbling started,
"How much stuff do you guys have?" I wanted to keep my
furniture - my kitchen table and chairs, hutch, living room, bedrooms,
etc. She said, outright, that paying for storage would be STUPID.
You'll pay more for storage than that stuff is worth, and what are
you keeping it for? So, in a heart wrenching move, I literally
GAVE my furniture to my siblings, friends and charities. It's very
hard to visit these people and see my furniture there. A week before
Christmas, I had all the boxes moved down, and she complained constantly
about how many boxes of "your stuff" there was. We had
to prepare our house for selling, but she wanted HER house decorated
for Christmas. And this woman doesn't take Christmas decorating
lightly - it's a gala affair. So I had to help her decorate (read
that as decorate FOR HER, while she supervised). By Christmas,
I was so tired that I didn't even want to celebrate. After a week,
she wanted it all put away. Ok, she wanted ME to put it all away.
I was furious. I figured that this had to be an adjustment time.
It had to get better. But, the chronic complaining and fights started.
She had 3 good mood days, and then 3 days of being quiet and mopey.
And, then came the HUGE blow up day over something silly that would
be followed by 3 days of silence. And, then, suddenly, she'd be
in a perky good mood to start the whole cycle over. She'd look
around at the first floor (it's a 3 floor house) and glare, saying,
"YOU GUYS HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF EVERYWHERE." Let's clarify.
We never allowed any of our things to lie around on the first floor.
We took everything to our bedroom, storage unit, or my basement
area that doubled as my home office. DH would show her, literally,
that it was HER things that were laying around, and then she'd blow
up and say, "Of course, it's mine. You shoved me into that
postage stamp size bedroom, and now I have no room for my own things
anywhere." So, then WE would be ordered to clean her things
up. It's a wonder that we actually sold our house once she got
involved in the process.
Signed - Gypsy
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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My FMIL has this great
vibe about her. She's giving, religious, and concerned.
And, I've never had a problem with her UNTIL I started to plan my
wedding. I see her every Sunday, and she sneaks in some little
comment (her DD's wedding had the best food (so mine won't)).
I can't say anything to them, because she always catches me off
guard. I go home and complain about her to my DF, and he gets
mad at me. He says "Tell HER something." But,
then I'll be the jerk who's causing issues without even being married.
He hates to hear anything bad about his mother. He gets defensive,
immediately. We live next door to her, and will probably live
there for a long time. I made a comment about being a little
worried about having to raise kids next to her, with him being so
emotional and closed minded every time she does anything that hurts
my feelings. I feel like I can't talk to her, him, or my family,
because I don't want my family to hate his.
Signed - Completely Alone
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
And you're still going through with the wedding???
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
Work this out *before* you get married. And *INSIST* on moving,
at least across town. Do *NOT* marry into this situation. You
*will* regret it.
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
It's his job to deal with his mother on your behalf. Also, it is
a very bad idea to move in next door to her. Do your best to not
live near her at all.
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
Are you absolutely sure that you want to marry to that man? He
won't defend you to his mother, and he insists that you live next
door? That sounds very fishy to me. You might find that you end
up just being the one he has sex with, while his mummy does all
the "partnership" stuff that a wife is supposed to do
with her husband. Come to the boards and have a chat if you have
any doubts.
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
If you have this many reservations BEFORE the wedding, and no support
from FDH, then you should seriously reconsider marriage. It may
be difficult to think about, but if he does not support you now,
then he is not going to support you later. And, once you have children,
it will get worse and worse. You should sit FDH down and let him
know how you feel. If he is not willing to set you before anyone
else, then he is not really going to be committed to his wedding
vows. Walk away, and let him know exactly why.
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
Run from that b@ll-less mama's boy. He should be standing up for
you and not taking his mother's side. And, you're living next door
to her? No way! Dump the loser and go find someone who has a set.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
I think that you should postpone the wedding planning. You DO NOT
want to be married to a momma's boy, especially if you live next
door! I would put the wedding on hold indefinitely, and get DF
into some premarital counseling. You also need to start sticking
up for yourself with your FMIL before she becomes your MIL. She
needs to know that her behavior will not be tolerated by you anymore.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
Don't marry this man. If FMIL is saying passive-aggressive things
to you, and FDH doesn't want to hear it, then you have BIG problems.
Things will only get worse once you get married. Run! Run away
now! While you still can!
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
The warning signs are there. Your DF is right - SAY SOMETHING.
If you lay around like a door mat, you shouldn't be surprised when
someone comes along and wipes their shoes off on you. Like Anne
Landers said, "No one can take advantage of you unless you
allow it." Grow a spine and stand up for yourself already.
RESPONSE: Completely Alone
He's going to defend her. That's what they do. And, you can't
change her manipulative behavior. But, you can set limits. The
most important thing to determine is her reach. Does she influence
your fiancé's decision-making at all? If so, then you need
to do something NOW. Have a talk with him about the future. Do
it diplomatically, of course. Don't paint her as a bad person,
but remind him that there will be two of you in this partnership,
and if he lets her influence important decisions (wedding-related
or otherwise), then in essence, he's forfeiting your rights as a
partner. If he cares about your future together, he'll support
you. And, that's when you can introduce the"unified"
approach. You guys should first make decisions privately, and TOGETHER.
In some circumstances you may feel like asking her advice, but do
it TOGETHER. If she makes indirect comments, ignore her. But,
if she directly tries to make unwelcome decisions for you, you both
need to learn and use the phrase, "We have everything under
control. But, thank you anyway!" The important thing is to
get him on board now!
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Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives