Mother-In-Law Stories September 18, 2004

Mother-In-Law Stories
September 18, 2004

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Worst gift: When DF (or DH) and I were about to move into our new house (January) for Christmas, MIL got a knife for us and for BIL and his DF. Two knives! You could tell that they came from a set, but since we only got one each, it was very odd. She was SO excited about this gift! I still tell DH that she was trying to hint something. LOL.

Signed - topo

Strongly Agree

Somewhat Agree

Somewhat Disagree

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I don't even know where to start. It's only been two years. I can't even imagine what the future holds. My ILs have been living in a tiny duplex, and finally all the kids have moved out. So, they decided to blow all their money on a house that is 50 miles away (with the neighbors less than 5 feet away) and they expect their kids to still visit every day. Well, we (my DH, my son, my DH's sister, and I) recently had car problems on the day of their housewarming party. We were trying to figure a way to get out to their house. We were going out of town anyway later that night, and decided to rent a vehicle. No big deal, right? WRONG! She heard about this through the grapevine (through 4 people in 10 minutes) and called our house during dinner. As soon as my DH answered the phone, "SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK," was all that I heard. She screamed at the top of her lungs for five minutes, saying how she's done nothing but help us, and she doesn't deserve this. And, she said that if it was too big of a deal to celebrate with them, then we should just stay home. Then, after not letting us get a word in, she hung up. So, we gave it 5 minutes, called back, and it started again. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, until FIL took the phone and said, "Look what YOU did to her." I didn't get it. What was the big deal about renting a vehicle? So I emailed her, asking what was all that about? I WANTED to go to the party, and that's what happens when people gossip. So, she emailed back with a rude letter, saying, "DO NOT COME!" She didn't want us to ruin her party. All over renting a vehicle! So, we didn't go. And, 2 weeks later, a letter addressed to my DH, only, came, saying, "We missed you at our housewarming." SHE UNINVITED US! Oh well. We haven't talked to her since, and don't plan on it. Did I mention that this is his stepmother. She used to mark the milk so that they didn't drink it, run her finger over the counter to see if they put sugar in the unsweetened tea and the powdered drink mix, and won't accept my autistic son as a grandchild. But, when the possibility of my DH having another son came up, she took the baby in, and they still keep his picture up (not my son's), even though he was declared to not be his???!!!????

Signed - Can't Wait For The Holidays

Per the poster's request, no responses collected.

I'd love to have some feedback regarding my particular issue with my MIL. From what I've read here, she's not so different from your basic dependent, needy and bossy MIL. She is very selfish with our attention, and she is suffering from empty nest syndrome in a big way. Her only identity having been "mother" up to this point. My DH and I are currently working together, with some success, on setting boundaries regarding visits with her, as well as boundaries with how privy MIL is to our more private information (as she's a horrible gossip). However, my concern is more of an interpersonal nature. I'd always learned that it was good manners not to make assumptions, and that on first meeting you rarely know all there is to know about a person. I'd also learned that if you meet someone, you should try and ask as many questions as you can of that person, not in an intrusive or manipulative kind of way, but for the simple purpose of getting to know more about that other person's ideas, thoughts and opinions, and/or unique experiences as an individual. My MIL doesn't really understand this way of communication. She only asks questions when she can immediately follow up with a story about herself, or so she can smother us with a thinly veiled lecture about said topic. She's also proven that she is irresponsible with what information we share with her, as it often is transmitted, incorrectly, to fellow family members, or is used to manipulate others in paying more attention to her needs. Her listening skills aren't very good either (it's not her memory, BTW), but often you have to repeat something several times just because she just hasn't put the energy into listening the first time. My point is, I am uncertain "in the moment" how to deal with this. She doesn't have much in the way of interests, pastimes, or hobbies, so whenever I speak with her, if I ask her, "What have you been doing?" unfortunately, there's usually not much to say. I've asked her countless questions about herself, but she never reciprocates (at least in a selfless way). How do I navigate the awkward silences that follow, in a polite and respectful manner? I've always fallen back on my ability to ask questions to keep a conversation going, but this is starting to hit dead ends with her. I've always thought it arrogant and ill-mannered to speak (or brag) about oneself at length. But, if I see that a person isn't taking an active interest in me through conversation, I tend to be quiet, and this can occasionally come off as standoffish. I know I can't change her, so, basically, what I would like to learn are some new conversation "survivors" that WILL NOT encourage MIL's bad behavior, especially her need to gossip and smother. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer.

Signed - Tongue-Tied DH

RESPONSE: Tongue-tied DH
Speaking strictly for myself, being peppered with questions from someone whom I've just met (or barely know) is a major turn off. MIL has a tongue, too. Let her talk, and either respond or look interested (while secretly zoning out).

RESPONSE: Tongue-tied DH
My MIL is also quite difficult to converse with. I try to chat with her as I would a friend, but this doesn't really work because she isn't naturally that chatty. Although she is only 50, we don't have much in common. She spends most of her time with FIL, and she does puzzles, etc. I think that it may also be because she only has sons and doesn't have that much female companionship. I find it difficult when they come and stay, as FIL and DH go golfing. So, I am alone with her. Don't get me wrong, she is pleasant enough. But, conversation between us is quite stilted. If she does ask me something, she will listen, but not continue the conversation. Or, she will tell me about something from years ago that I have heard loads of times before, usually about her family. If DH is here, she will cut me off mid sentence to ask him something or listen to TV! As a result, I don't think that she really knows me, or vice versa. But, I have come to the conclusion that this is the way that she wants it. Sorry to ramble on, I don't even have any advice. I just empathize!

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