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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
September 24, 2004
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AUGUST
2004
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SEPTEMBER
2004
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I became a MIL about 2 years ago.
My son graduated and moved to a large city, where he landed a
job. He met a girl whom he only knew for a few months, and
decided to marry her. She had an 8 year old son. As
a mother, I wanted him to take more time to get to know her, etc.
Well, he married within the year, and now, two years later, he
has a baby girl, also. We lived in the northeast, and he
begged us to move to the midwest. He did not want us to
miss out on seeing the baby growing up. We made a reluctant
decision and moved, not only us, but my MIL and my parents.
It was a very stressful move, and now 7 months later it is still
stressful. My MIL hates it here, and so do my parents.
My DIL and I seem to have a good relationship, as long as she
gets her way. We had words just recently. It seems
that when she does not want to do something, she just cancels.
Then, I am left with food that I have cooked. She has done
this on many occasions, and I have sucked it up and let it go.
This one time I just snapped and got angry. I told her that
it is inconsiderate when she does this, and asked if there was
any particular reason for this behavior. Well, she was very
condescending, and said that she was sorry that her not feeling
well did not fit into my schedule. In turn, I said that
I understood her not feeling well, but it happens too often.
Of course, we got nowhere, and now she is kind of cold.
I don't get to see the baby as often. I know that I overreacted,
but I don't know what to do.
Signed - Misplaced
In The Midwest
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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Worst gift: The worst
gift that I've ever received from my MIL was a padded tissue box.
It had a fabric "man" on the top. He had stringy, red
yarn hair and he was holding two boat oars in his hand. She knows
that my entire house is decorated in a very subtle Asian style,
with no junky clutter. This box cover was just plain ugly. It
isn't the kind of thing that she would EVER buy for herself. For
all of her friends she bought pretty silk coin purses and eyeglass
cases. My DH got a beautiful silk tie. I almost think that this
was something that someone else gave her and she gave it to me because
she didn't want to buy me something. On the way home from her house,
we stopped at a charitable organization and we deposited that nasty
little man-box for them to sell.
Signed - Didn't Want
Anything Anyway, But This Was Worse
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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I will never understand
her! Several years ago, before I met him, my DH dated a woman
who had a small daughter. When he told MIL about this, she
started bouncing from room to room. She was all excited about
this "instant grandchild". She doted on this child,
bought her presents, carried her pictures around, and took her places.
You get the picture. Well, that woman and my DH broke up and
it crushed MIL to pieces. She was so sad, and said that she
would miss that little girl terribly. Understandable.
Well, fast forward to years later. DH and I meet, get married,
and a year later we announce that we're pregnant. MIL just
stared at us for a minute, and then quietly said, "Oh.
That's nice," and walked away! We were shocked!
Two years after that, we announced that we're pregnant again.
This time, she got mad and said, "What?!?! Again?!?!?"
and huffed and stormed off. She did visit at the hospital
(she didn't with my 1st), but all she said to me was, "Just
don't have any more, okay?" DH got mad, and told her
that he and I decide that, not her. She does visit them occasionally
and does bring them birthday and Christmas presents, but she doesn't
try to get to know them or anything. She just sits there and
watches them play. She doesn't talk to them or play with them,
nothing. She never takes them places, either. I don't
understand how she could act like "Super Grandma" to a
child who wasn't even her son's (and I'm not saying that was wrong
of her, it wasn't - it was nice that she made that girl feel included
and loved), but she doesn't really care about our children!
DH and I have tried talking to her about it, and she either denies
it, or just sits there and won't answer us. I don't want to
tell her that she can't see them anymore, because she's not mean
to them. She doesn't yell at them, and she doesn't play favorites,
either. It just hurts us to know that she cared about his
ex's child more.
Signed - I Don't Get
Her!
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
They're actually her son's. Maybe she can't face the fact that
she is now truly a grandmother, as opposed to just playing "grandma".
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
Maybe she's afraid that you and he will break up and she'll be left
with no little ones again. She may feel better keeping her distance.
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
You and DH gave them all the love that you could. Forget about
her - you don't need her. It's her loss that she doesn't get to
have a relationship
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
I'm sure that she's afraid of getting badly hurt again. If she
gets close to your children, and then you and your DH split, she
loses people whom she loves again.
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
It seems like your MIL was very hurt by losing the surrogate GD
years ago, and she may be afraid to get close to your children for
fear that they will be taken away from her like the other girl was.
It is very understandable, and I suggest that you just reaffirm
to her that these kids are not going anywhere. She is their grandma,
and will be a part of their life, always. Good luck!
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
Maybe the hurt of losing the first "grandchild" is still
fresh enough to her, and it is hard to open up to other GCs. She
may have talked herself into growing cold, after the first child
left, to save herself some pain later on, and she's forgotten how
to turn it back on, or is afraid that you'll leave with these children,
just like the ex did. I agree that your MIL's behavior is pretty
bad. While I am wary of defending these women, I would suggest
this: Perhaps her doting on the child was part of the reason that
DH and the ex broke up, because it gave the ex the willies, and
she is afraid that if she is too demonstrative to her own grandchildren,
the same thing might happen to you and DH. Yes, it's weird and
twisted, but that could be just one reason. Also, perhaps she doesn't
relate well to babies and small children, but the 8-year old stepchild
was of an age that she could relate to. Of course, I could just
be talking nonsense, and she may be just a weird and nasty old bag.
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
I can see 3 possible reasons why this woman would react this way.
First, the "ready made" grandchild could be explained
as a step-grandchild, therefore she is not old enough to REALLY
be a GM. Second, maybe she is scared to love her real grandchildren,
as her last grandchild was taken away from her, and she is scared
that it will happen again. Third, she is just plain nuts! If you
can't decide for yourself which option is the most likely, try talking
to her, and if it is that she is scared of losing them, reassure
her that even in the unlikely event that you and your DH separate,
she will not lose contact with the children. Good luck!
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
I'm soooo not siding with your MIL here. But, maybe she's afraid
that she'll be left heartbroken again if anything happens to you
and DH. She'll have bonded with the kids, and she thinks that if
you and DH divorce, she'll never see them again either. I'm not
saying that will ever happen, but a lot of MIL's prepare themselves
for the worst case scenario. She's not any less of an emotionally
shortsighted idiot for thinking it, but maybe that's her reasoning
(or rationalization). Maybe she's still pining for that other girl,
and she wants to punish DH for not allowing her to "keep"
the instant grandchild. Either way, you need to sit down and let
her know that the other girl is not coming back, and she is missing
the opportunity of a lifetime - getting to know her grandchildren.
Explain that this is your last conversation on the matter, and you're
not going to beg her to do the decent thing. Then, go on, live
your lives, and be grateful for the time away from her. Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
Perhaps it's a case of "once bitten, twice shy"? She may
have invested so much in that first child that it wounded her very
deeply to have to lose contact. She may be thinking that should
you and your DH divorce, she'll have to go through it again. My
own mother had a real problem relating to her sons' children, but
not her daughters'. It could be traced to what she went through
after my eldest brother divorced. On some level, she thought that
it was safer to get close to her DD's' children, because divorce
was less likely to come between her and the children.
RESPONSE: I Don't Get Her!
My MIL is the same way. She dotes on her friend's GC, while she
has 4 of her own that she does nothing for. She doesn't call them,
she doesn't write to them, she doesn't even know them. Earlier
this year, I announced to her that we were expecting our third child,
and I asked her to keep the news to herself for a while, as we weren't
telling anyone for a bit. She emailed her son (my DH's brother)
and told him that I "got knocked up AGAIN", and then she
asked, "Why do they keep doing this to me?!" as in making
her a grandmother. Now, understand this as well. The person whom
she emailed, her own son, is in the middle of an overseas adoption,
to make her a grandmother, YET AGAIN! She does not know my oldest,
who is 6, and the oldest of the grandchildren, my DD and DS, don't
know who she is at all. We're keeping it that way. After the whole
fiasco of my MIL emailing my BIL and telling him our news, I went
off on her. I asked for all of my kids' pictures back, and since
then we hear NOTHING from/about her. This isn't much of a change,
but it's good for me because I made the decision to keep her out.
Too bad for her. Sometimes you just have to take the upper hand
and cut them out, they are poison. Good luck.
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Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives