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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
September 27, 2004
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AUGUST
2004
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SEPTEMBER
2004
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I married a wonderful man who
has lived with his mother and brothers for his entire 41 years.
My oldest DD died months prior to my meeting him, when I was going
through a nasty divorce. He provided so much emotional support
for my 2 remaining children and for me. He simply was wonderful.
Then, I met his mother. She verbally abused me, told me
to get over the loss of my DD, and was just a witch. It
was many months until she decided that it was time to accept me,
and then she started e-mailing me. After that, she worked
on her son, using him to buy stuff for the farm. We actually
bought a truck, and gave our old one to her, in trade for a motor
home. It turns out that the motor home was my DH's anyway!!
She controls, manipulates, is vulgar and abusive, and calls him
on his cell and places guilt on him until he does what she wants.
Even worse, 2 months ago the youngest brother totally lost it,
murdered his girlfriend of 4 months, and then committed suicide.
I could not believe that MIL tried to justify this by saying that
the victim was at fault, bad mouthing her. This situation
has influenced my DH to be there more often (45 minutes away).
He runs over to do thing. The latest thing was getting a
tractor running. It was his. He sold it, and then
said that it was going into a pool so that mom could get a tractor.
I said, "Gee, we really need that money. You said that
we could put it into savings." He denied it.
Then, he ranted, just like she does, and left, saying, "It
is over." It is crazy. He is so calm and loving.
And then, after she talked to him, he became her on occasion.
His guilt and lack of honesty with me are driving him crazy.
I said, "She needs to deal with her problems, live her life,
and we need to have our own life." The middle brother
is a severe alcoholic. But, his mother still offers him
beer. This family is nuts. I love my DH, but I know
that I must let him go. His only hope is to disconnect from
her, and to learn who he is. He is not able to do that.
He throws my past relationship and life at me, but obviously I
could not do that to him, since he has avoided telling me much
about it. The property that she lives in is in his name,
and so is the loan. But, it is her property, and so is everything
that he ever had. I know that my children and I will have
to make it without him. They love him and will be crushed,
but I can't live like this. I wish that he would just tell
her to sell and move away, and that he will no longer be her servant.
He is emotionally controlled. I would never run home to
mother, but this is the 2nd time that he has. My DD asked
if we had a fight. I said, "No, he did, I didn't."
I love this man so much.
Signed - Heartbroken
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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My MIL is a rude, horrible
person. She has been awful to me, my family, and even our kids
for 20 years. My own parents have minimal contact with her. I
could spend hours typing stories about her. Instead, I will pass
on what I have learned. Have minimal contact at all times. When
you do have contact, be polite. It makes their own bad behavior
look worse. I take satisfaction in knowing that she cannot rile
me. However, if she does something really horrible - like only
giving a present (for no reason) to one child in front of the others,
while having no present for them - calmly and firmly say what you
don't like about this, why you don't like it, and how you would
not like it to happen again. If you do have to visit, limit the
visit time. Avoid living together, spending lots of time together,
and borrowing money at all costs. It took me a while to get to
this stage. My MIL is a nothing person to me. She cannot anger
or upset me anymore. Her opinions and feelings have no impact on
me. I know that it sounds cold, but it is of her own creation.
I know that we don't have to like each other or be best friends,
but I cannot understand why she could not be polite. I have not
done anything to her, ever. From the day that she met me, she was
horrible. It is sad that she could not see that her bad behavior,
that was designed to hurt me, really hurt her son. I think that
her behavior sprang from jealousy, but who knows. She is a truly
horrible person, and life is too short. Cut your losses, and spend
time with family and friends who love you and treat you nicely.
In short - live your own life and ditch the MIL.
Signed - Learned From
Experience
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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My DH and I have been
married for 6 years now. We have a 1 year old son, and I am
pregnant with our second child. My DH has 2 older sisters.
The eldest one is married and settled in the US (we are from India)
and the second is mentally ill. She lives with my in-laws.
From the day that my DH announced that we were getting married,
his mother has gone out of her way to make snide remarks about me.
She says that I am not good looking, or that I can't cook, or that
I have no brains, or some other stupid thing. I have tried
making friends with her to open some form of communication with
her, but she is not interested. I am always the woman who
took her son away. I have been ignoring her rudeness, as I
always felt that she just needs a break because she is stressed
about my SIL. Also, whenever I have really been mad at her
I have tried to get my DH involved, hoping that he would be able
to communicate better with her. But, it never worked.
DH ( thanks to being brought up in an abnormal household) hates
confronting anyone, and wants me to "adjust" so that "everyone
can be happy". What is worrying me now is that my MIL
is using my SIL's illness as a stick to emotionally hit my DH with.
He calls home every other day, and she keeps berating him for enjoying
himself with "that woman's" family, and ignoring "his
family". She constantly demands money and gifts for herself
and her DD, their children, etc. She says that it's his duty
to provide for her. Fair enough, but what about her duty as
a mother? My SIL has been ill for 20 years now. DH was
10 when she developed the disease, and he has been through every
emotional trauma that they have experienced, from suicide attempts
to violence. Now, he has a great career, a loving wife, and
sweet kids. Why don't my ILs just leave him alone and let
him have some happiness in life? The latest is that she wants
to move in with us because it's my DH's "responsibility"
to "look after" his sister. Someone please tell
me what to do. I can't cope with this anymore.
Signed - What Am I Gonna
Do?
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
Put your foot down. Your DH is not responsible for his sister.
She still lives with her mother. It is her mother's responsibility,
not your DH's. Do not allow your MIL to move in with you.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
It's not your DH's responsibility to look after his sister. Not
to be cold or cruel, but MIL/FIL have that responsibility if SIL
cannot take care of herself.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
Your MIL is using her DD's illness as a guilt tactic on her son.
What a b!tch! You and your DH need to go to marriage counseling
to learn how to deal with her. Good luck.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
Your DH did not give birth to his sister. She should be in some
form of assisted living environment that is more adapted to her
needs. Clearly, MIL is not capable of caring for her. As for your
DH, he needs to decide who is more important, and quit playing both
sides of the court.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
Tell DH that he can only have one family. You are not happy now,
nor are you likely to be happy trying to get along. If your happiness
is not important to him, why bother trying to keep him?
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
I feel so awful for you. I'm from an East Indian background as
well, so I know that there are really strong overtones of "guilt"
and "obligation" in family relationships, especially between
mother and son. I don't think that there is anything that you can
do, except put more and more space between yourself and them. I
ended up having to leave home at 16 because I couldn't take the
abuse anymore. They aren't going to change the way they behave
after all of these years, and your DH doesn't appear to be on your
side. Again, I'm so sorry. Good luck.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
You're not gonna do anything until you get DH on board. He needs
to realize the importance of spending equal time with each set of
ILs and giving them equal treatment. You need to figure out how
to live as an independent couple, separate from the ILs and their
needs. Then (privately) discuss how to establish kind, yet clear
boundaries ASAP. Set visitation schedules, and stick to them.
They never need to know that you've discussed it, but it will keep
you both sane, and you can be partners in this mess together.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
Your MIL sounds dreadfully overburdened, so I can understand why
she's turning to your DH for help. Is it possible that he could
gently, perhaps gradually, persuade her to institutionalize your
SIL? Her family could still visit her often, but your MIL would
be relieved of the daily struggles that she's facing now. In a
good facility, SIL could get the care and oversight that she desperately
needs. Under no circumstances, though, should your MIL and SIL
move in with you, because of the turmoil that this would inflict
on you, your marriage, and especially your children.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
If you are from India, then you know the traditional cultural perspective
on parent and male child relationships. The oldest male child IS
supposed to support and take care of his parents. I know that this
part of the Indian culture is difficult, but one that has existed
for a long time. The worst part of this is that you are stuck with
having to deal with your DH's dysfunctional family, and it sounds
as if he is unable to or unwilling to involve himself with the responsibilities
of the eldest son. Please get help.
RESPONSE: What Am I Gonna Do?
You say "No"! You say that the best interests of your
children must take precedence. You and your DH brought those children
into this world, and you have a duty to give them the best possible
start in life. I sympathize with your family with regards to SIL's
illness, but living with a violent, suicidal adult is dangerous
and harmful for your children. Even having to live with the tension
between you and your MIL is potentially damaging. I understand
that you come from a different culture than I do. I am an American.
So, it is probably a great deal more difficult for you to do than
it is for me to write. What am I saying? I KNOW that it's more
difficult to do this than it is to write about it. Still, you are
a mother and you have to do what is best for your own children.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives