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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
October 4, 2004
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SEPTEMBER
2004
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OCTOBER
2004
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Worst gift: My DH and
I had been married for a couple of years when I became pregnant.
My sister had just endured a miscarriage (of twins!) at 4 months,
and I absolutely wanted to make sure that the same would not happen
to me. So, my DH and I decided to wait until Christmas to
announce our news (I would have been 3 months pregnant).
Somehow, my MIL found out that I was pregnant. I don't know
how this happened, because only about 3 people knew. At
Christmas, with the whole family and extended family gathered
'round, she presented me with about 20 gifts. I began to
open them, and was horrified. She had saved my DH's (and
his brothers') clothes and ratty toys from when they were babies,
way back in the 70's. She wrapped them up, and those were
my gifts that year. The worst one looked like a bike horn.
But, it wasn't a bike horn, it was a breast pump from the 70's.
Me and my pregnant self just about broke down right there.
I had to take a break and escape the scene for awhile. A
part of me says that she was just excited about the baby, but
another part says that she was just plain crazy. I could
see one or two things, but realistically there is no way that
I would dress my baby in a moth eaten wool sweater and other clothes
that had spit up stains all over them.
Signed - Shady Grove
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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Worst gift: Every year
on my birthday my MIL gives me a pound cake. She always says to
me, "I know that you hate pound cake, but DS likes it, sooo."
Signed - Pound Cake
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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A few months ago, DF's
step-mom (whom he considers his mom, since she's been there for
over 20 years) called to ask if her best friend and her husband
could be put on our guest list. DF said that we'd put them
on the B list, and that it was possible that they might not be able
to be invited, but equally possible that they might. Keep
that in mind. I suggested that DF ask his mom if her parents
(DF's step-GPs) were going to be coming for the wedding (from quite
a distance), and if they weren't going to, we'd put the friends
on the A list. Instead, DF just asked whether FMIL's parents
were coming. So, his mom called on Saturday night and asked
if we'd done the seating chart yet (no, we hadn't). She asked
if her friend was being invited. When DF said that she was
on the B list, FMIL asked if her DD (who FMIL was unhappy with because
she had 2 kids within 2 years of being married) is on the A list.
DF said yes. FMIL asked if she, herself, was on the A list
(duh?!). DF said yes. FMIL asked again why her friend
wasn't on A list. DF explained that family is more important
to us than friends, and that he barely knows this friend of his
mom's (and I've never met her). FMIL said, "That's fine,"
and then she HUNG UP ON DF!! A minute later DF's dad called
and DF was upset, so I answered it. FFIL said, "Hi, it's
Dad. Um, just don't send SIL an invitation." Surprised,
I said, "Uh, okay?" and FFIL hung up, too (somewhat politely,
it seemed that this was all he was told by FMIL to say). On
Sunday morning DF got an email through is brother saying that FMIL
wouldn't be paying for the rehearsal dinner (the only thing that
she was paying for) because she wouldn't be going, and DF's dad
can't afford to, so it's canceled. "Yes, this friend is that
important to your mother." Later FFIL called and said
that they will pay for the dinner, but FMIL might not go.
So, DF and I spoke with FMIL on Thursday, letting her know that
we mailed the invitations, and we have invited the friend because
we now realize how important she is to FMIL. Things seemed
fine Thursday night. This gets better. Or worse, depending
on your view. On Friday, we got a call because FFIL felt insulted
because his name wasn't on the invitation. DF explained that
with a traditional invitation, where the bride's family pays, just
the bride's parents are listed. That wasn't good enough for
FFIL, and he hung up, saying that he wouldn't wear a tux, and might
not even come (ugh, childish in-law's much?). So, DF and I
found 5 examples of "traditional wording with the bride's parents
hosting", and emailed them to the ILs. DF called them
to ask them to look at the email. FMIL said that this wording
hints that they're dead, and it's insulting. We read from
an etiquette book that says "it's the traditional wording".
We read to her from invitation catalogs, where 9 out of 11 invitations
read exactly the way ours do. Still, not good enough - they're
"All incorrect", according to FMIL. She kept interrupting
DF, to the point where he said, "Would you please stop interrupting
me? I don't want to be childish and hang up like you did."
That's when I took the phone! FMIL wouldn't let me get a word
in edgewise, even after I said, "FMIL, we've let you explain
your side, could we now explain our side, please?" I
said this at least 3 times, and she just kept talking. She
said that DF lied, and that she didn't hang up on him. She
said that he hung up on her (I was there! I heard what happened!).
She told me that all the books are wrong, that the person whom we
ordered our invitations from was ignorant and didn't know what they're
doing. I said, "This is traditional wording, FMIL.
I'm sorry if you're offended by etiquette and tradition, but this
is what the invitation person does for a living, she knows what
she's doing!" She finally hinted that she's not coming
to the wedding, and neither is her FFIL or her son (DF's best man,
after she pushed for it). I said, "Will you please tell
me if you're planning on coming to DF's wedding?" and she said
(GET THIS!), "You included a response card in your invitation.
We'll respond." I said, "You're not even going to
let me know so that I can tell DF whether or not you're coming to
our wedding?" She said, "I am so hurt right now,
I don't want to talk anymore." I said, "Will you
let little FBIL be the best man?" She said, "I won't
talk about this anymore." So, I said, incredibly frustrated,
but still trying to be polite, "So you won't even let me know
if FBIL (20 years old, lives at home, momma's boy) is going to be
the best man?" She said, "I'll send the response
card, goodnight," and hung up. A few days later, DF got
a typewritten letter from his dad which implied, in 3 different
spots, that they were not coming. Also, it said that they
will pay for the rehearsal dinner because they're "supposed
to", but they won't participate. In fact, DF's dad will
attend, simply to monitor the bill and to make sure that no alcoholic
beverages are charged to their credit card! AAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!
I feel so incredibly hurt for DF. This shrew of a woman won't
let her family come to the wedding - it doesn't just affect one
day, it affects everything. There will be no memories of DF's
family on our wedding day. They won't be in the pictures.
So, when our kids look at our wedding photos, they will see that
no one from DF's family was there. What do we do? I
told DF the saying, "No one can make you inferior without your
consent", so even though FMIL is being a shrew, we're letting
ourselves be so affected. DF needs to decide whether he wants
to give her that power. I said that he should think about
this; the way they're acting, does he want them there on that day?
I told him to think about it. This certainly isn't a rush
decision, but does he really want her to keep threatening to not
be there? What should we do? Nothing seems to have changed.
Signed - What Should
We Do?
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
Elope.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
Elope to Vegas. Use the money that you would have spent on the
wedding to buy casino tokens.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
Have the wedding without them. Plan on them not being there, and
if they show up, have them leave. FMIL overstepped her boundaries
with the best friend bit, and figured that if she could manipulate
you once, she could do it again. Do what you want, and pay for
it yourselves.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
I applaud you for giving your DF such good advice. Don't give the
infantile FSMIL the power or satisfaction of getting her way. If
there is any way that you can cover the cost of the rehearsal dinner,
do it. The cost that you will incur will be far greater than any
monetary cost. Trust me on this one. Good Luck!
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
More than 10 years after the fact, I am still haunted by the poor
behavior of my ILs at our wedding. My gracious parents hosted the
party, and my MIL sat stone silent and never acknowledged the reason
for the party. She was, and is, a major pill. I can still have
an argument with DH about this, and my kids have never seen a single
wedding photo or video. I can't remember my wedding without crying
about the crummy things that MIL said and did that weekend. She
embarrassed my parents, and DH. I felt worthless. She won.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
I feel so bad for you and your DF. Some people just won't let someone
else be the center of attention. If it were my DF's mom (and I
did do something just like this), I'd let her know that you are
saddened by their decision not to attend, but that you respect her
feelings and you will let everyone know why they felt they couldn't
come. Let her know that it won't be the same without her, but that
you do not want the day spoiled by bad feelings. That should put
her on notice that you won't be manipulated into doing whatever
she wants. If she could make herself look any worse to her friends
and family, I don't know how.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
You both need to stop giving the ILs so much power. Invite who
you want, and no one else needs any explanations, especially if
they aren't paying for the wedding. The next time the ILs throw
a temper tantrum, tell them that you don't even want them at the
wedding because of how they're acting, and that you'll have a good
time without them. The ILs are behaving like children because you
are letting them get away with it. If you let them get their way
now, they will run all over you for the rest of your lives.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
You're exactly right - it doesn't affect just one day, and it DOES
affect everything, so is this something that you really want memories
of at your wedding? I think that you are probably better off without
these people at your wedding. Believe me, I speak from experience.
My MIL made me miserable during the planning of my wedding, about
all of the same issues, too, especially the guest list. Plus, she
threw a tantrum four days before the wedding over how she would
be announced at the reception as the wedding party and parents entered.
We were following etiquette, but MIL didn't like it and said that
we were wrong. She thought that she and FIL would and SHOULD be
announced together, as parents of the groom. We said no, because
they're divorced (which makes it improper - I checked!), because
FIL is remarried and has been with his wife (step-MIL) for over
20 years, and because FIL *hates* MIL. MIL threw a fit, and even
got her stupid brother to call and yell at DH for daring to respect
his own father and stepmother by including them and insulting MIL!
I hate the idea that we didn't disinvite MIL on the spot, and I
hate the fact that she was even at our wedding. I hate seeing her
in the pictures. By the way, she totally ignored me the whole night,
and didn't speak to me at our wedding. If they don't come, don't
worry about it. I know that it seems like a huge deal now, but
take it from an old married lady (4 years! Ha-ha!), you will look
back on it and be glad that your wedding wasn't ruined by them.
Good luck!!
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
Go ahead and make your plans without them. Save yourselves some
grief, and arrange to pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself. And,
contact your FBIL (who is legally an adult) directly to see if he
wants to be best man. But, above all, try to fit in some premarital
counseling so that you can begin to establish boundaries as a couple
RIGHT NOW. You're in for a rough ride for the rest of your life
with these people, so you need to learn now how to deal with them,
and how you and your DH can present a united front.
RESPONSE: What Should We Do?
I went through the problem of the groom's parents insisting that
their names be on the invitation when ODD got married. It was easily
solved by the printer, who showed me many examples of it:
Mr. and Mrs. John Doe request the honor of your presence at the
wedding of their daughter, Jane Elizabeth Doe to Frank Fudhead Smith
son of Mr. and Mrs. Stupid Smith.
In fact, that was said to have been THE most traditional and long
standing wording of all the examples.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives