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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
October 5, 2004
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SEPTEMBER
2004
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OCTOBER
2004
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My MIL seems to be playing mind
games against me through my DH, her oldest son. For example,
if she comes over, usually only to see our cats, she tries to
make small talk with me. If I don't feel much like talking,
and only say a little, she calls my DH at work after she leaves
and tells him that I wouldn't talk to her. My DH won't do
anything about it, either. In fact, he tries to get us to
be friends. He tells his mother to come over to see the
cats and talk to me, without even asking me if I have any plans.
I didn't realize how much of a momma's boy he was before we got
married. She's only gotten worse since we made it public
that we plan to move out of the state next year. She's just
putting so much stress on our marriage, mainly on me. I
keep getting the feeling that she's trying to get my DH to divorce
me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't
dodge her, because she lives in the same town. I even tried
talking to my mom about the situation, but she doesn't even know
what to tell me. I'm afraid to confront her, because she
will just twist my words to my DH to make me look like a bad guy.
I can't confront my DH and ask him to talk to her, because he
just thinks that I am overreacting, and that his mother isn't
doing anything wrong. And, my DH refuses to go to counseling.
Signed - Is My Approach
Right?
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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My MIL lives across the
road from us, but for all intents and purposes, she might as well
be living with us. She has a long-term illness, which means that
she can't drive around, but she's not completely rooted to the spot,
either. She's a lovely woman, but I've found myself resenting her
increasing intrusion on our lives to the point that I can hardly
bear to talk to her anymore. The problem is that my partner is
very devoted to her, to the point that we have very little privacy
in our personal lives anymore. We both work from home, which she
takes to mean that we're permanently available to her for everything
from companionship to running errands to changing light bulbs.
Each day starts with a phone call from her to tell us whatever rubbish
happens to have entered her head / what she just heard on the radio,
etc. This includes the traffic report, which isn't much use to
people who don't commute. We're usually in bed when the phone rings,
but that doesn't occur to her - she even does this on the weekends.
The phone calls continue throughout the day, and usually involve
her either pressuring my partner to do some family thing (which
obviously involves us bringing/collecting her) or guilt-tripping
my partner into taking her shopping, collecting something, or bringing
her somewhere, regardless of the fact that we're supposed to be
working. She can phone as many as three or four times in half an
hour, especially during dinner, often just to tell us to watch something
on TV. My partner is irritated with it, but takes the calls anyway.
As usual, they'll be about nothing. It's not just phone calls,
either. Throughout the day, she pops in and out as she pleases.
Knocking before entering only happens occasionally, and if we don't
come to the door, she'll open it anyway. For obvious reasons, this
can be embarrassing. She comes around when she's bored, wants to
watch cable TV, wants us to play board games with her, etc. Each
visit involves endless advice on how we should do things around
the house, what we should be planting in the garden, what sort of
bookshelves we should buy, how much money we spend, and where we
should go (and take her) on the weekend. Ad nauseum. I can't do
anything around the outside of the house without her arriving over
to see what's going on, and to either offer advice or talk rubbish
to me. I don't want to be mean, but I just don't feel that she
should assume that we always want to spend time with her. If I'm
gardening, or whatever, maybe I want to do it on my own, in my own
way. I find it very annoying when she does things like weeding,
looking for snails, etc., when she comes around. It all feels like
she thinks that we can't do anything properly ourselves. I know
that she doesn't mean it, but that's the way I feel. It's the same
with leaving the house to go somewhere. There she is, at her gate,
watching you go off. I know that she's lonely and bored, but her
sister spends a lot of time with her, and my partner inevitably
invites her to come with us much of the time when we go anywhere.
She has got friends, but she doesn't make the effort to see them.
DH has another sibling, but he lives on the other side of town and
can't spend as much time as we'd like him to. Worse still, MIL
won't ask him for ANYTHING, as if he's royalty. The thing is, the
guy keeps saying that he's perfectly happy to help her with anything,
all she has to do is let him know. But, will she ask him? No way.
The thing that MIL doesn't seem to bother thinking about is what
this says to my partner, and to us as a couple. It's like our time
isn't as important as the sibling's time, she can just take it as
and when she wants. It also means that she doesn't think about
our needs as a couple, she just indulges herself constantly. But,
anything that isn't done by the sibling will eventually have to
be done by us, and we're already doing 90% of the running around
for her. There are times when she's sworn blind to my partner that
she's asked BIL to do something that she needed, and we've subsequently
found out that she never asked him. It's caused a lot of resentment
between my BIL and us, which is ironic, given that MIL often bemoans
the fact that we don't spend more time with him. If it wasn't for
her, we'd have been feeling a lot more kindly disposed towards him.
In any case, we can never spend time with him on our own, she has
to come, too. That would be fine if we didn't have her around all
day, every day. But, it is hardly fair the way things stand. I
do want to spend more time getting to know my BIL, but I hate that
MIL is always there. She just bugs me senseless, the way she has
to be involved in everything. My partner won't visit him unless
we take MIL, too, because there's too much guilt in going without
her. So, that's the end of that. All it means now is that when
they go to visit, I don't want to go, and I stay at home. She's
a lovely woman, but I'm increasingly coming round to the view that's
she actually a manipulative old so and so. If she wants my partner
to do something, she often tries working on me first. I don't like
it. I've tried talking to my partner about this, but it usually
ends in a row. I know that there are sacrifices to be made, but
I'm finding it more difficult as time goes by, and I feel that the
old lady is running rings around us. I really feel that she takes
us for granted - she would never ask the sibling to do 1/100th of
what she expects from us. When she was ill last year, she refused
to get a night nurse, preferring to wake us up three or four times
a night and have us sleep over regularly, all for the best part
of 7 months. She didn't seem to think of the strains that she was
putting on my partner's mental and physical health, and she had
to be pushed into getting help in the end - for just one month before
having an operation that improved her condition. And, oh, the guilt
was laid on thick and heavy. I don't want to hurt my loved one,
but I really feel the need to sound off. I think that MIL is getting
away with murder. Our time is her time, as far as she's concerned.
If she doesn't think that, she's certainly acting like it. Our
weekends are always taken up by her needs. Our daily routine is
also. I'm fed up with her making appointments on our behalf, on
the expectation that we'll fetch, carry and accompany. I'm fed
up with her phoning all the time, whether it's at 8 AM on Saturday
morning, or 3 AM midweek because she heard a noise. I'm fed up
with the fact that my partner feels the need to phone her and tell
her that we're going out, and then when we've arrived home. I know
that she worries, but indulging it makes it worse, and I think it's
a form of control. If we've got visitors, she's got to come over,
even for 5 minutes. It's everything, everything, everything, and
I'm so fed up. I'm just having a rant, but if anyone has a similar
story to tell and a solution for altering the situation without
sinking the ship completely, I'd love to hear about it!
Signed - Totally Pissed
Off
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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My story isn't about
my MIL, it's about my FIL. He is horrible now, and he has
always been that way. But, I wanted to keep the peace with
the family, so I never said anything. It really started, though,
when his "favorite" son and DIL were getting a divorce.
She is "beautiful", super thin and blonde. From
the way that he grieved over it, I think that he was in love with
her! All the ILs came over (DH's little sister, mom, horrible
dad, separated brother and BIL's son). FIL started screaming
and cussing at BIL in front of our two toddlers and BIL's son.
I took teenaged SIL and all the kids into the kid's room to play
and to get them away from drunken, raging FIL. BIL finally
left (as if he didn't have enough stress with his wife cheating
on him), and DH and FIL started fighting. FIL refused to leave
for hours, and said that I was a dirty, a b!tch, a bad mother, and
that I had a bad temper. I kept out of their fight, but I
told DH that I wanted FIL gone, immediately! DH finally told
FIL to get out. FIL left after flinging beer all over my house.
DH locked the door, and we sat at the table, I was crying.
Suddenly, FIL pounded on the door. I told DH that he had better
not unlock the door, but he did it anyway. FIL came in and
cussed us out. He went and sat back on our couch to watch
TV. I was FURIOUS!! DH told FIL that we wanted him to
leave now, or we would call the police. FIL told DH that I
didn't have the balls to tell him to get out. I got up and
told him to get out, right then and there. He jumped up and
screamed in my face. And, as he was going out the door, he
told me that I was not his DIL anymore. I told him that I
was happy to hear that. FIL tried to hit me, and DH caught
him and threw him out the door, onto the cement. Two weeks
later, FIL called me and told me that he was sorry, but he said
that I have anger problems and that I need help. I told him
that he is a drunk with anger problems, and that he needs help.
He cussed some more, and I told him to call back when he had a real
apology for me. We ended up on ok terms, but that is not the
last of FIL's drunken fits! I will add more stories when I
am not so tired. Oh, by the way, he told BIL that he should
have beaten his wife the first time that she stayed out all night!
Signed - Tired of the
Drunk FIL
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
This guy either needs to be on meds or a padded room, or both!
You should have called the police and had him arrested!
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
OK, that's just about the worst story I've heard. I think that
you know that this situation will repeat itself! It's up to you
to keep yourself safe, because obviously your DH has no sense.
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
With or without the booze, FIL believes that any problem can be
solved with violence. He's not about to change (all the more so
that he says that YOU have anger problems). If DH doesn't keep
this man out of your hair, out of your house, and out of your life,
he's as much of a problem as FIL. And you can tell him that I said
so!
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
You have a legal and moral obligation to protect your children from
this drunk's rages. The next time, he could hurt one of your kids.
Keep them away from this man at all costs. Tell DH that if he won't
come to this site, he should hit the road.
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
What an idiot your FIL is. I would say that you should NEVER have
him over at your house anymore. Drunks do not change, if they do
not acknowledge that they need help. Tell your DH that HE is welcome
to visit his DF at DFs own house, but you are through with him!
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
YOU have the anger problems? I'd keep FIL out of your lives until
he gets help! If DH wants to deal with him, fine, but there's no
need for either you or your kids to have to put up with his behavior,
especially since he told you that you are no longer his DIL!
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
My DH would have pounded his father if he had attempted to hit me.
If he didn't do it, my family from any part of the world, would
have traveled to take care of him (and his knee caps).
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
Your FIL is a sick drunk, and he needs help. For you to even go
around him after he tried to hit you is crazy! Never, never go
near him again! What a f$%k head!
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
Hmmm, FIL is a raging alcoholic who engages in hateful verbal arguments
in front of his grandchildren and encourages men to physically abuse
women. WHY ON EARTH DO YOU HAVE CONTACT WITH THIS JERK? You are
putting yourself and your children in danger. FIL won't stop until
he gets serious help. Stay away from him until he gets into some
kind of treatment center and makes real progress. As it is, this
situation can only be headed to a very violent end.
RESPONSE: Tired of the Drunk FIL
Okay, you are putting up with some serious abuse, and so is your
DH. I'm sure that he has issues and you're lucky that he didn't
learn how to beat you from your FIL (or is he? if he is, you need
to get out right now). In a nutshell, there should be no contact
whatsoever between you and your DH, and your FIL until he (FIL)
goes to anger management and gets sober. Basically, put it in his
court. If he wants a relationship with his son, he makes the choice
to cease being abusive. It's as simple as that, but easier said
than done. Good luck!
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Working Women Don't Have Wives