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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
October 24, 2004
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SEPTEMBER
2004
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OCTOBER
2004
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My MIL has made it clear (ever
since my DH and I started dating) that I stole her baby from her.
Now that we are married and have children (2 girls), she tells
my DDs that I don't let her see them. My DH hates it as
much as I do, but he won't say anything to her. He says
that he doesn't feel like dealing with it. I'm getting to
the point where I never want to go to her house.
Signed - He Should
Deal With It
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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I never thought that
I would be posting on this. I have been watching these pages for
a while. I would give anything to be treated as a human. My MIL
treats me so badly that I can't stand to go over to her home anymore.
I just shake when we hit her street, praying that they just won't
be home. When I go there, she is on the phone gossiping, etc.
In the winter, the house is so hot that you have to wear a summer
shirt there. My MIL treats my DH like gold, and she treats me like
nothing. I have never felt so unwelcome in my life. I'd rather
go to visit the zoo. It is much more peaceful there. She has a
habit of talking badly about people. And, of course, I know that
she is so sneaky about things. She never talks about "her
family". I ask how certain people are, and she is such a hog
about info. She just gives me a dirty look, "They're fine,"
she says, all snappy. Sometimes, I just can't take it. I don't
go over there anymore (like I am really missed). Thank god my DH
understands, and I never suggest that they come over. They hate
the fact that we bought the house near my parents. Too bad! Ok,
I will vent more later.
Signed - After 5 Years
They Don't Get That We Are Married
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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A month ago, my DH moved
his 67 year old mother in beside us. His reason was that she
lived in a distant state, and he wanted her here so that he could
do things for her as she got older. I've never gotten along
with her that well on visits. Now, I'm forced to spend time
with her. She is afraid to drive by herself, and usually refuses
to drive, even though she has a new car in the driveway. There
are a million things that you have to do when you move to a new
state - get titles changed, get driver's licenses changed, get new
doctors, etc. She waits for me to suggest doing these things,
and I have to go along with her to get the stuff done. My
DH works, so he isn't there to do all these chores like he envisioned.
I don't work at an outside job, but I do run our home business.
She has never worked, so she has no concept that she wastes my time.
I get my shopping done, and want to go back home to get some work
done, but she takes forever moseying along the aisles. When
we get home, I have to carry her tons of groceries inside, because
she says she that she has arthritis. Yet, she can go out and
play with her dog. I've been trying to get her used to driving
in this area so that she can start doing some things for herself.
I sit beside her and let her drive, but, so far, in over a month,
she has not gone anyplace by herself, not even the post office,
which is a mile up the road. She is a packrat, so her house
is junked up, and none too clean. I can't stand to eat there,
because she has a dog and she will let it lick her hands and then
go on preparing food. The dog is a whole other subject.
It is a big retriever that weighs 80 lbs, stinks, and barks all
the time. I can't stand to go to her house because of all
the noise and clutter. She is the most helpless woman I've
ever seen. She will get a man to do simple little things that
she could do herself. So, when my DH IS there to help her,
I resent the fact that our own stuff is going undone because he
is helping her do simple things that she should be able to do herself.
I just don't like having to be with someone whose company I don't
really enjoy. I like to go out to the store on the spur of
the moment sometimes. But, now, with her right next door,
I feel guilty if I don't ask whether she needs anything. And,
sure as sh!t she will not only want something, she wants to go along.
I can't just slip out, as she sees my every move out of her window,
and misses nothing. My DH didn't really take my feelings into
consideration when he suggested this move, nor did he think about
how it would affect me. I tried to talk him out of it, because
the whole future burden of any care she needs is going to go to
us. He has a brother who will conveniently get out of any
responsibility because mom lives too far away now. Do I have
a right to feel resentful? I can't complain about her to my
DH because he takes her side every time. I've been keeping
my mouth shut, but I'm just not happy with this situation.
Signed - Silently Seething
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
It's time for you to stop!!! Wow! Just because you are staying
at home and working, and your DH leaves the house to "work",
that doesn't mean that all that cr@p should fall on your shoulders!
Start saying NO - that you ARE WORKING! You'd be more than welcome
on the MIL boards for advice and support! Come on over!!
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
Tell this story to a lawyer. You are no longer a wife, but a unpaid
nurse. Tell DH that unless he moves his mother into assisted living
arrangement now, it is over.
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
It is time to put your foot down, or in this case, up DH's rear.
MIL is his mother, and as he made the decision to move her near
you, it is HIS responsibility to take care of her. Stop feeling
guilty that you don't inquire about her, and do your own thing.
Let her see you coming and going. It won't kill MIL, and it may
be the incentive that she needs to get her rear in gear. If DH
balks at doing things for his mom, so be it. You're not her doormat,
and you've your own life/career to live.
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
You need to hire a home "handyman". There are men/women
out there who do just as you're describing, and aren't that expensive.
Plus, you can hire people to take her shopping and to doctor's appointments.
Why take on this burden completely, when help is at hand? She may
not like it, but then she may start doing these things on her own.
As for the post office, it's only a mile. Tell her that the dog
would love the walk. Get her involved with the community, or some
kind of group. See what is at the retirement home. They have card
and board games that outside people are invited over to play. It
can be a great way to find a cause or a friend. Your MIL needs
both.
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
What a mess you allowed to happen. It is not all that uncommon
that DHs have a brainy idea like yours did to move his mother next
door. But, they seldom step up to the plate, because in theory
it sounds so much better and easier than in reality. We all work,
whether it is outside the home or in the home. I am 63, and my
husband is 65, and there is no way that your MIL should be helped
this much unless she has a true physical or mental disability.
We all need help from time to time, no matter your age. Your MIL
has fallen into a real comfort zone, and she will need a push to
get out of it and start living her life again. You will be doing
her and your DH a real service to get this straightened out as to
what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. You should not feel
guilty for wanting to go outside of your own home. I recommend
that you set both of them down and discuss this situation. If you
feel that you can not do that, write a letter to them to start the
ball rolling. If you do not, you will come to resent your DH more
and more as time goes on, and it could cause real problems in your
marriage. Life is too short to feel chained up in your own home.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
The woman is not going to move. You need to figure out a way to
deal with the situation. The first thing that I'd suggest is setting
one day a week where you, yes I said you, take care of your MIL's
errands. For example, every Tuesday you go shopping, see doctors,
etc. The rest of the week she is on her own or has to call one
of her sons. Also, I would stop calling her every time you go out.
If she needs something, she can get it on her weekly outing. I'd
also keep an eye on MIL and her living conditions. Poor and unhealthy
living conditions can be a sign of illness. Talk to a doctor about
elderly diseases so you'll know what to look for. She may need
medical attention.
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
It's time to quit keeping your mouth shut. You need to have a conversation
about this with your DH, in as kind and non-confrontational a manner
as you can. After all, from your account, MIL isn't mean and nasty,
she's just lonely and burdensome. You need to let him know that
the burden he said he'd take is falling on you instead, and that
some reasonable solution needs to be arrived at. This is a problem
my family's been dealing with. My mom is now 74, and her memory
is failing. She's also become far more fearful than she used to
be. She can still live on her own, but my brother has moved her
to a house around the corner from his, and my darling SIL has been
great about it. Fortunately, my mom is a really nice person, and
has always treated SIL really well. As a result, SIL loves her
a lot. And, it does give them free child care. My mom will come
sit with the kids if brother and SIL want to go out for the evening.
Still, it remains that they are right around the corner from my
mom, while I'm a 6 hour drive away, and our sister is 2000 miles
away. The preponderance of the burden does fall on them. I've
been up three times in the past two months to help mom move and
settle in, but I'm not there to mow her lawn or make sure her bills
get paid on time, you know?
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
Try to speak with DH in a positive way about chores that need to
be done at home. Point out the jobs. And, because you "appreciate"
that MIL also needs jobs done, suggest that you and DH draw up a
schedule so that he can "fairly" distribute his time.
Go to the shops by yourself, then call MIL on the cell phone and
advise her that you are already at the shops, and ask whether there
is anything that she needs you to get for her. That way, she couldn't
accuse you of not thinking of her. For anything that she needs
to think about, like notification of change of address, etc., let
her think about it. Don't assume responsibility for it yourself.
You can't be expected to think for other people. This won't solve
all of your problems, but you may start to feel slightly less resentful.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
I was going to suggest that you just have her make a list and do
her grocery shopping for her, instead of taking her. But, then
I read all of your post about your DH expecting you to do it all.
Don't do anything for her anymore! If she needs something done
or needs groceries, or whatever, she will have to wait until your
DH is home to do it. HE wanted to take care of her, so let HIM
DO IT! If she calls you up wanting to go somewhere, tell her that
you have other plans, and she'll have to talk to her DS. Your DH
was insensitive and rude in moving her there, and obviously thought
that you would just drop everything to help his mother. Don't do
it anymore. Stand up to them! If he decides to treat you like
cr@p for refusing, take your stuff and leave. See how he likes
being at his mother's beck and call all the time. She is acting
helpless because you let her, and your DH is being an @ss because
you let him. Don't do it anymore!
RESPONSE: Silently Seething
Your DH moved his mother next to you, intending to take care of
her, knowing that you aren't comfortable with the woman. Then,
he dumped her in your lap? Why WOULDN'T you be resentful??!! If
I were you, I'd have a talk with DH, not about MIL's helplessness
and her flaws, but about how HE manages his responsibilities at
work and at home, AND the responsibility that he chose to take on
when he moved his mother in next door. For the sake of your marriage,
you should try your best to be prepared to pitch in with MIL occasionally.
At the same time, you have to make it clear, in the nicest, most
sensitive way possible, that you cannot and WILL not take over the
whole responsibility of his very needy mother for him. He chose
this situation, now he has to accept some responsibility for his
choice. This is not about taking sides - it's about coping with
a difficult situation that was brought to your doorstep, and will
affect your marriage and home life every day. If you don't sit
down with your DH to openly and patiently discuss this together
and set some boundaries, both the situation and your resentment
will only grow worse with time.
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and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives