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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
November 4, 2004
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OCTOBER
2004
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NOVEMBER
2004
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My mother called on a night that
she knew I was working, to inform us that she and dad would not
be around on a particular weekend because they were going to a
festival. DH said, "It's your daughter's birthday."
Mom said, "Tell her that we will be looking for a gift."
DH said, "It's her 40th birthday!!" Mom said,
"Think how that makes ME feel!! I'm old!!"
DH thought, "Yea, it's all about you." They could
have gone the weekend before or the week after, as they are retired.
This hurt more than I thought it would. I should be used
to their absence by now.
Signed - Absentee Parents
Never Retire
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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Worst gift: Our relatives
on my DH's side have chosen to draw names for Christmas gifts each
year. They also specified that the gifts are to be under $30 -
that's great, really. The problem is that I always receive my gift
from them late (2 weeks to 1 month late, usually). Since we do
live halfway across the United States they seem to believe that
this is O.K. The gifts that I have received lately are not worth
$30. For example, I received a puzzle made from a photograph (a
field of flowers) one year. It was about 12 inches square (it was
in a plastic baggy - that sure brought the cost up some). Last
year was the real winner of cheap gifts, though. I received a Santa
Clause on snowshoes about one month after Christmas!!! Santa is
not really appealing in late January. She probably bought it at
75% off, then sent to me. No one seems to mind sending their gifts
late to us, but we are constantly asked when we sent our box of
gifts, since ours always arrive in time for them to have something
to open on Christmas!! Hmmmm.
Signed - Late Gifts
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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This is less a post about
pet peeves than some observations about MIL and DIL relations, something
that I have been thinking about, as I think about my own situation,
and as I read the stories here. Number one, it seems that
things really degrade once a child is born. Many ok, so-so
MIL/DIL relations go south once this happens. For the past
2 years, my MIL has really been far less bearable, and far more
offensive, than in the last 10. I think that part of this
is my fault. She is a mother already, and a mother to my DH.
I am overly sensitive to her judgments. For her part, she
has become more judgmental, and I suspect that a lot of the emotions
that were present when her child was born have come to the fore.
This includes some unpleasant emotions, such as, "Was the child
planned? And, was she ill equipped at times to deal with her
child?" Er, these feelings span generations. All
moms feel doubt and inadequacy at times. No matter!
MILs and DILs seem to rarely reach common ground here, even if they
actually do have a couple of experiences in common. Maybe
it is the generation gap - 20 to 30 years ago, women really were
passive compared to today, and had far fewer options. Plus,
the wife/husband relationship was much better defined. Today's
fluidity makes this a more volatile situation, one that few MILs
seem able to understand, much less support. Also, DILs are
that much more stressed. After all, it is hardly enough to
feed and clothe the youngsters, we have to somehow bring out their
full potential, before kindergarten if at all possible. So
that part of the friction makes sense. BUT, at the risk of
being really offensive, can I ask why the level of pettiness is
so high in DIL/MIL relations? The gift thing - what a quagmire.
I hate giving gifts, and I hate getting gifts. My MIL shops
and shops and gives me really stupid things. I wish that she
would spend her money on herself. I give wine and flowers.
I am sure that it is seen as impersonal. What to do?
I don't know, but I know I have to ignore the gifts, or else make
everyone miserable. Just say thanks and get on with life.
OK. This will offend many. But, I think that a good
rule of thumb is NEVER borrow or accept money from the ILs unless
catastrophe has struck. It seems from the stories here that
any interest rate from the bank would be cheaper than the price
paid to ILs. Just be an adult and earn the money yourself.
I come from zero cash background, and I know that it is not easy.
But, boy, is it worth it. I only accept cash for my child,
and then I show my ILs where it went - the college fund. I
thank them a lot, and let them know that it is really appreciated,
not expected, because part of being an adult is paying your own
way. The same goes for baby-sitting. You have to have
a truly unique relationship with the ILs to rely on them for regular
sitting. I only do it if they offer, and if conditions are
right (for example, if the child is happy and or sleeping (preferably
both)). That's why I work - to be independent. And,
when I pay the sitter, I feel pretty sure that my orders are followed.
I know that things are tough. But, from my own experience,
the DIL MIL battles cannot be won. DH is put in a terrible
position - most know that their mothers are nuts if they are, but
what can they do about it, really? I want my kids to know
their relatives. I think that my MIL has the emotional maturity
of a 14 year old, but, hey, so it goes. She's not my mother!
I am just trying to figure out a way to deal with my MIL so that
everything does not go to he!! in a hand basket. I also have
tried to state my views firmly, especially in terms of my child.
The more direct and neutral I am, the more supportive my DH is of
my efforts. It is an ongoing effort, as I mostly want to tell
my MIL exactly what I think, but that will not help me. Just
my two cents, thanks for reading.
Signed - Give Me Strength
(To Keep My Mouth Shut)
RESPONSE: Give Me Strength (To Keep My Mouth Shut)
Congratulations, you really seem to have it sussed! I made the
big mistake of trying to be a "daughter" to my MIL (she
only has sons), and have paid dearly for it. Relations have severely
broken down, and we're now at the point that my DH, DD and DS couldn't
care less if they see her or not.
RESPONSE: Give Me Strength (To Keep My Mouth Shut)
Gee, you've covered an awful lot of ground here, and I can't exactly
tell whether you're ASKING for advice, or trying to GIVE it. All
I can really think of to say is that you're absolutely right about
accepting money from the ILs. I'd even expand your advice to include
expensive gifts, dinners out, etc. It all comes with a price tag.
As for the rest, I wish you well. It sounds like you have a lot
to handle.
RESPONSE: Give Me Strength (To Keep My Mouth Shut)
I can relate to your post. My MIL was like yours. I kept my mouth
shut for many years, until one time I actually stood up to her and
kicked her out of my home. She thought that she had the right to
barge into my home one Saturday morning, when DH was not at home,
and scream, shout, and verbally abuse me in front of the children.
Like you, things started to degrade when my first child arrived.
They think that as they have had children, they can tell you how
to bring your children up. I never see MIL now. DH still sees
her with the kids, but I couldn't care less about her. As far as
I'm concerned, she's dead.
RESPONSE: Give Me Strength (To Keep My Mouth Shut)
Hey, thanks a bunch for your insights. I, too, have struggled with
the DIL/MIL relationship, citing to myself that I have never had
people problems like this before, etc. I'm a pretty likable gal.
But, I have posted vent sessions here before, and thought that it
sure did feel good, but wasn't I above all that? How can I NOT
let this drag of a relationship drag my life through the mud? I
don't want to turn into a bitty, catty, selfish older woman, and
I surely don't want to inflict what I've experienced from my MIL
on my precious children and whomever is lucky enough to marry them.
Thanks for putting a REAL, but positive spin on the whole mess.
RESPONSE: Give Me Strength (To Keep My Mouth Shut)
Boy, that hit the nail on the head. I think you've really put a
lot of thought into your relationship with your MIL. I hope that
things work out for the best. It is hard dealing with someone who
has leverage over you because you are married to their son. I say,
leverage, at least in my case. It's hard to just cut them out of
your life, because they are your DH's parent. I wouldn't know what
that is like, as my DH has never had a problem with my DM. Never.
We've always gotten along that way. Yes, it's true, a lot of MILs
whom we talk about on this site tend to always try to get us to
turn our mothering skills to the way "they" did it. I
don't know why they think that we would, since they are not our
mothers. I think that's the nail on the head, too. A lot of MILs
believe in their hearts that when their sons marry, they gain a
daughter and expect to treat us as such. Meaning that they have
the right to continue mothering both their sons and the new "daughter".
Ya, right. We, as DILs, don't like it because we already have our
own mothers, and, possibly, we are trying to establish our own identity
in our marriage as wife and mother, ourselves. Kudos to you for
being so insightful.
RESPONSE: Give Me Strength (To Keep My Mouth Shut)
I think that this is one of the most intelligent observations that
I have read on this web site. Yes, never borrow money from ILs.
In fact, don't borrow money from anyone, unless its the bank. Yes,
it is unfair to put the DH in the middle of things. Maybe part
of the problem is the "names" assigned to each respective
role. We are not the daughters of these women. We are our parent's
daughters. We are also grown women by the time we meet these ladies,
and deserve to be treated as such. On the other hand, these women
are not our "mothers", and should not assume a role that
has already been taken by someone else. Your mother can give you
advice that you will listen to and choose for yourself whether to
follow or not. These "non-mothers" should not be putting
their 2 cents in on a whole host of issues, but as "mothers"
they seem to think that they have a certain right to do so. Maybe
we should just refer to each other as "ILs" and remember
who are the real mothers and real daughters.
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Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives