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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
November 6, 2004
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OCTOBER
2004
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NOVEMBER
2004
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I have been married for almost
5 months, and I am really trying hard to move on from my traumatic
wedding planning experience, but I think that it is worth telling.
My DH is from a very, very small southern town. We live
in a larger city, about an hour and a half away. In this
small town there is not a lot to do, so when someone is getting
married, everyone in town wants to give a party, and everyone
wants to outdo each other for the best party. My MIL is
right in the center of all this madness, so, of course, she wants
all her friends to throw lots of parties. The problem is
that I have a life, and am in grad school, so I do not have time
to spend every weekend there at parties with her friends whom
I don't even know. I said that I only had one weekend for
parties in their town, one weekend for parties in my hometown,
and one weekend for parties in the town that we live in.
I thought that was fair, considering we were only engaged for
7 months. MIL was pissed, and she kept trying to add parties.
I stood my ground with the one weekend. We ended up having
4 parties in that one weekend. Each party was hosted by
10-15 couples. The way that I was raised was that if someone
gives you a party, you give them a small "hostess gift"
as a thank you for giving the party. So, I (actually my
mom) ended up buying over 50 gifts for that one weekend.
Did I mention that these are parties, not showers, so there are
no gifts for us. On to the guest list. First of all,
we gave her permission to invite 180 people. Our side invited
almost the same number, so I believe that this was more than fair.
After she gave me the list, she called me repeatedly with all
these changes to it. She would say, "Scratch so and
so off, and add so and so." I finally realized, but
only when it was too late, that what she was doing was asking
people if they could come or not, and if they couldn't, she would
add someone who could. Needless to say, they had a 99% attendance
rate. Other sneakiness: I was writing TY notes to
the 50 couples who gave those parties, and when I was addressing
the envelopes I realized that I do not have 6 of the couples'
addresses. Now, you would think that since they hosted a
party for us they would be invited to the wedding, right?
Well, she didn't invite them, it just "slipped her mind".
She was "sure" that she "had them on the list,"
and she guessed that she "really needs to add them, since
they gave a party". I was furious. That was 12
more people. After the wedding, I find out from my very
embarrassed FIL that there were lots of people at the wedding
who had not received an invitation. Apparently, my MIL took
it upon herself to verbally invite about 25 more people.
And they came!!! There were well over 400 people at the
wedding!
Signed - Frustrated
Newlywed
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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Worst gift: My ILs are
from another country, and are not Christian, but they have adopted
a version of our custom of exchanging gifts at Christmas. DH's
"family" consists of every cousin, aunt and uncle in the
area, in addition to his immediate family. This comes to about
20+ people. Well, I used to put a lot of thought and energy into
getting each of them something that I thought was nice, and that
they would like. They have given me such things as used cr@p from
around the house. MIL, specifically, has given me a used candle
holder, and the ugliest, most Godforsaken lamp you've ever seen
in your entire life. In addition to the fact that it was hideous,
it didn't actually emit light, and had the oddest "lightbulb",
which I could never have replaced had I, in some delirious state
of mind, actually decided to ever use the lamp enough to burn out
the bulb. When the BIL married in a semi-arranged setup, the MIL
"helped" them to find Christmas gifts for the family the
first year. Well, the gift that she helped them get for me was
a used Zen water fountain. Not only was there still water scum
in it, but there were pieces missing. One of the cousins gave me
one of those things where you "grow" a pearl, and it has
a chain for a necklace or something. I tried to sell it on eBay
(the box was factory-sealed, so I assumed that it was new and in
good condition) only to have the buyer inform me that when she opened
it there were pieces of "pearl" floating around in liquid,
and it was ruined. Obviously, this came from the bargain bin somewhere.
I should have known. MIL gets DH's female cousins cute handbags
or sweaters, obviously not picked by her, so it's clear that SOME
people in the family get to choose their own gifts. I no longer
try to get them something nice, and now I just focus on getting
out of it without spending much time, money or effort. I haven't
been able to sink to the level of giving them used cr@p from around
the house. I sort of channel my resentment into buying extra-nice
gifts for my friend's Chihuahua. For example, one year I got him
a designer doggy collar, and another year I got him a nice monogrammed
sweater - all in addition to gourmet treats and plush toys. It
gives me a sense of satisfaction knowing that I spend more on a
dog than most of his family put together!
Signed - Tired of Getting
Treated Like A Second Class Citizen
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- cinnamonchic, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 6-NOV-04
This isn't the worst thing that has been done to
me by my evil FMIL, but I just really need to vent. My BF of 2
years is currently on vacation in Europe, and is staying in his
parents' house there. He recently SMS'd me (SMS=text messaging
- since he can't call me because his mother doesn't allow him to)
and told me that he had had another fight with her. I had a fight
with her a few months ago, where she was accusing me of stealing
her son and treating him like an idiot, of being hysterical (saying
this while screaming at the top of her lungs), and of not respecting
her or her rules (which I actually HAD been doing since I had almost
literally been kissing her @ss for the entire two years), and I
lost my cool for once and called her a selfish b!tch who didn't
understand that a mother's job was to raise her kids to be individuals
and to let them have their own freedom. Ever since then, she
has been constantly accusing me of all sorts of nonsensical stuff.
She didn't even understand what I said, because we don't speak the
same language. But, I apologized to her afterwards, because I didn't
want her to vent her anger on my BF. Of course, she didn't listen,
and she still won't stop. This time, she told him that, since he's
going to study in another country with me, if anything goes wrong
she will not support him anymore (as if she ever has). She also
said that I will force him to drop whatever subject he will want
to study, because I will use him as my little slave and force him
to help me with everything I do, and that he will, therefore, end
up as a failure because of me. Just for the record, I'm the one
who has been helping HIM with his work, and motivating him to do
more. Ever since he met me, his grades have been going up. The
topic I need most advice on is this - I am in a long-distance relationship
with him, and I can't go to see him anymore because his mother won't
allow me into the house. He can only come see me once in two months
for just a week, if he has the money to pay for an airplane ticket.
We are both only 18, and depend upon our parents. What can I do
to see him more and to soften the tension between his mom and me?
Signed - Cinnamonchic
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
Let him go and move on. Trust me, there is someone else out there
with whom you can fall in love, who has a less stressful mother.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
You need to find yourself a BF closer to home. One who has a mother
who wants him to be a big boy. Is what you get out of this relationship
worth the hassle of dealing with this guy's mommy? You're only
18 - there's no reason to tie yourself down to this kind of trouble.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
When I was 18 I moved to another country to study and be with my
BF (now DF, so the fact that you said you are only 18 does not mean
that you necessarily have to depend on your parents for anything
at all). Continue your studies, be with your BF, and enjoy life.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
You are 18. Drop the guy. You have plenty of time to meet somebody
else who lives in the same country and city as you do. As sad as
it is to say this, there's a good chance that this guy isn't "the
one".
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
It sounds like you're in Europe. There are tons of cheap hostels
and hotels. If you can afford to go see him, stay in a hostel,
not at his mother's. Or, y'all can meet in the middle and save
on train fare. See if you can place ads for people driving to his
area where you can help pay for gas in exchange for a lift. And,
again, stay in a youth hostel.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
Eighteen year olds are adults, and are entitled to live their own
lives. Most parents are willing to give that freedom while still
providing some level of support. There is nothing that you can
do to change the mind of a parent who wants to tie that support
to control. Long distance relationships are tough at any age, and
the price of total freedom is too high for you at this age. Could
BF at least get his own cell phone, so he doesn't need his mother's
permission to call you? If he can afford several airplane tickets
each year, a cell phone should be in reach.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
I understand that you are in love, and I'm certainly NOT going to
make light of that. I'm 36 and married to my first real sweetheart,
whom I started dating at 18. So, I do understand that it's possible
for these early relationships to work out. But, having said that,
you are going through an awful lot at an awfully young age for a
relationship that is statistically unlikely to go to the altar.
I would strongly suggest telling him that you love him, but that
the relationship is just not working for you - which it isn't.
Then, be a true friend to him. If it is meant to be, then it will
be. Really. But, it will be under better terms - such as when
he (and you) is/are out of his/your parents' houses, and are independent.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
The remarks about BF becoming your "little slave" lead
me to think that your MIL has a deep prejudice concerning women
of your nationality. You may never be able to overcome this. The
question now is: Do you want to deal with her for the rest of your
life? Is she the woman whom you want for your future kids' grandmother?
I assure you that if you marry your BF, his mother will NOT get
better. In fact, after you have kids, she'll get a lot WORSE.
At 18 you're still very young to be choosing a husband, so please
listen to someone who's been around the block a few times - think
very hard about whether this is really the family that you want
to become part of.
RESPONSE: Cinnamonchic
This is a bad situation, and it will only get worse. You are only
18 and cannot imagine the problems that the future holds for you
with this young man. He is from a different culture, and he has
deep seated traditions that you need to think about very deeply
before making any commitment to him. I feel strongly that you should
get a good education and know yourself before committing to anyone
else. Life has many difficult times that you will have no control
over, beyond finding the person with whom you want to spend the
rest of your life. Take a deep breath and roll with the punches.
And, I do not mean punches from his mom.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives