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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
November 29, 2004
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OCTOBER
2004
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NOVEMBER
2004
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I "ruined" my MIL's
birthday 15 YEARS AGO, and I STILL hear about it! In the
wee hours of her 55th birthday, I went into labor with our first
child. DH called our parents mid morning to tell them that
I was in labor. When he talked to MIL, all she said was,
"Does this mean that you are not coming to see me on my birthday?
How will I get my present?" DH told her that she was
being rude and selfish, and she told him, "Well, my birthday
is ruined, but DIL can make it up to me by birthing me a GD on
MY birthday!" Well, I "ruined" her day even
more because 1.) I had a DS, and 2. ) He was
not born on that day, he was born the next day (I had a long labor).
For the next year, that's all we heard about - how I "ruined"
her birthday. I stopped all contact with her, and DH shortly
followed. Every now and then, relatives will see us and
tell us that MIL is still griping about how I "ruined"
her 55th birthday. DH and I just laugh at it now.
Signed - Glad I Can
Laugh At It Now
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Strongly Agree
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Somewhat Agree
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Somewhat Disagree
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Strongly Disagree
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Please Seek Counseling
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Continue on Message
Board
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I feel very upset. I
have tried desperately hard to get on with my MIL. I always make
a big fuss of her; buying her flowers, thanking her for everything
she does, making an effort to ensure that we spend time with her
and my DH's family whenever we can, saying nice things about what
she wears, and about her cooking. And, I always try to ignore and
forgive little things that she does and says that annoy me, for
the sake of the peace. A few weeks ago, my DH's parents came to
stay with us for a weekend. As usual, I let her take over all the
cooking while she was here. I personally paid for a nice meal out
to celebrate their anniversary at a restaurant that they chose,
and I bought them flowers, wine and little gifts for their anniversary
(my DH would not have bought anything if I had left it to him).
Despite this, both parents started shouting and screaming at me
because my politics didn't agree with theirs. I got very upset
on the first night, but I tried to just let it pass. They are very
passionate, so I try to understand that that is just their way,
that this is normal for them. The next day, I took a pregnancy
test and found out that I was pregnant. As I had good reason to
think that I would never get pregnant, I was totally overjoyed and
really excited, and I know that my DH was when he first found out,
too. But, then we told his parents, and I expected them to be really
happy for us, but, no. His father was, but his mother put on a
hard face and first said that maybe the pregnancy test was wrong.
She kept talking about the fact that I shouldn't get excited, many
pregnancies end in miscarriage. She wouldn't get excited until
well into the second month. I was gutted, because she took all
the joy out of the most special moment in my life, but again, I
tried desperately to understand. So, I went to the supermarket
and took 5 different brands of tests to prove that I was pregnant.
They were all positive, and although his mother still kept talking
about all the ways that I could lose a baby (isn't it sick to talk
about that to a newly pregnant woman under any circumstances?),
at this point my DH started to feel a lot more excited and he was
great to me. Then, they left our house, and a few days later we
joined them for a planned holiday. During the whole holiday, MIL
was trying to get me to be superwoman. Despite the fact that I
had morning sickness and was tired all the time, she showed extreme
disapproval when I felt that I could not keep going at the pace
that they were going. They were going to one of the parks every
day from 8:30 am until around 9pm at night, and it took it out of
me. Not only that, but she kept trying to get me to go on the rides
that said "No Expectant Mothers". I was simply trying
to ensure that I didn't have a miscarriage, to look after my most
precious asset, but she made it sound as if I was trying to get
lots of attention because I was pregnant. She made out that I was
just spoiling it for everyone because I wouldn't go on the rides
(I wasn't, everyone still went on the rides, I just waited for them
until they came off). She said that the rides wouldn't hurt the
baby. She has always been "superwoman", but she also
had three miscarriages when she was younger, and I think that might
have been because she tried to do so much when she was pregnant
- certainly I am not taking her advice on what to do as a pregnant
woman. She kept doing aerobics in front of the TV, and doing so
much stuff all the time that I got exhausted just watching her.
I feel that this is very weird for a 60 year old woman, and it seemed
to me that she was trying to make me look lazy. I suspect that
underneath she has an inadequacy issue, never feels she is good
enough, always trying to show that she is better than others by
putting other people down. She is very judgmental of everyone,
and is always putting other people down and talking herself up.
I got so fed up with it all that one day that I refused to go to
the theme parks, and she put it into my DH's head that I was spoiling
everyone else's vacation. Then, on the last day, my DH and I had
an argument because of the stress, and I walked out. Just as I
was coming back to say that I was sorry, I heard her say to my DH,
"I think that you should get a divorce. I don't know why you
married her in the first place. You knew all along that she was
like that." How could she say that when I was pregnant? My
DH was very upset by her saying that, and now he feels torn between
us. I feel sorry for my DH, and I don't want to add to his troubles,
but I don't feel like I want to spend time with her and my DH's
family now because I feel that one day . . .
Signed - I Will Scream
At Her And I Will Never Stop
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
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Where to begin?
My DH and I have been married for almost 10 years, and it's just
never ending. On the night of our engagement, my MIL turned
to me and said, "Now, you've got what you wanted."
It's been consistent since that night, and the message is clear.
I feel hurt and upset that no matter how nice I am, what I do, etc.,
I'm treated like the "evil daughter-in-law". Now,
yes, my husband and I went a little backwards and had our daughter
before our marriage (she's the best surprise ever!) and have since
added 2 more beautiful children to our family. Each time we
announced a pregnancy, my MIL replied in negative terms, no happiness
or congratulations. She sent 4 cards for Valentine's Day one
year (one for each of our children and one for my DH, alone with
cute little puppy dogs on it), remade a beautiful collage that I
had made (she remade it with pictures of my 3 kids, my DH, and her
and FIL), and has continually been a b!tch to me, only to deny it
and/or say, "I'm taking it the wrong way." Well,
I am not stupid, and I know what she's doing. And it hurts
a lot. The latest episode was very recent. My FIL just
passed away from a bout with cancer, and the night before his death
she asked my DH if I "hated" his father. She said
that he never had any enemies. He was one who consistently
stood behind her, no matter what. He wrote us letters, etc.,
to control our actions as to not "disturb" her.
The icing on the cake was that, at the memorial, she and her friend
had put together a lovely photo collage of the family. Guess
who wasn't even in any little teeny, tiny picture or even a part
of it?!? Yeah, I'm trying to get over it, and it doesn't surprise
me, but I'm so sick of the treatment and have withdrawn so much.
I guess that in her eyes I'm not part of the family, and I never
will be. It does hurt, though, because it included the kids,
my DH, his brother, and her and my FIL. I think that I'd rate
something as the kids' mother! She constantly goes to my DH
and acts like I'm nonexistent. I'm scared that it's gonna
get worse before it gets better, now that she's on her own and very
used to my FIL defending her, no matter what the situation, and
she's never, ever wrong. Whew! Please, please, please give
me some advice. I'm trying to be so good. I extend kindness
to her, and I am a good example for my children. It's just
very, very hard. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Signed - It's Just Very,
Very Hard
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
Your *DH* needs to grow some stones and make sure that mommy includes
you as part of the family! It's not a MIL issue, it's a DH issue!
DH just goes along, either because he doesn't know how much it upsets
you (do you speak to him about this?) or he is scared of mommy.
Pretty bad for a man with 3 children of his own!
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
You extend kindness to her, and she continues to be cruel. It's
time that you stopped being so nice because she will never be nice
to you, no matter how nice you are to her. You and your DH should
tell her that unless she is respectful to you, she cannot see her
grandchildren.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
MIL is toxic. By continuing to have a relationship with her, you
are allowing poison into your life. Why are you doing this? MIL
will never like you, no matter what you do. Stop living your life
for her, and start living it for yourself. Toxic people are not
worth the time or effort.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
Tell your DH exactly what you told us. Show compassion for your
MIL because of the death of FIL, but under no circumstances allow
her to continue to abuse you in this manner (that she has done for
so many years). Write her off, if need be. People are responsible
for their actions, and that includes your MIL.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
Where is your DH in all this? Why has he allowed them to treat
you this way? If you two were presenting a united front, his parents
wouldn't have been able to get away with most of this garbage.
Stop worrying about your MIL for now, and get some marriage counseling
to find out why your DH is willing to let her be so spiteful to
you, and whether he's willing to fix the problem. If he won't go
to counseling with you, go by yourself.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
The first Christmas after my DH and I got married, we received a
Christmas card signed by my FIL and their dog. My MIL didn't sign
her name on the card. I, too, have dealt with not being welcomed
into my DH's family. We have been together for 8 years, and are
still dealing with this behavior. My DH didn't get one phone call
from anyone in his family on Thanksgiving. They are trying to punish
him for being married to me. Thanks for sharing your story. I
can relate.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
Don't lose any sleep over the fact that a memorial photo collage
only showed pictures of blood descendants. And, don't lose a lot
of sleep over the fact that she removed you from your collage.
What you should be losing sleep over is the fact that your DH lets
his mother actively treat you as an outsider, and that you have
maintained contact with her this long. I don't like FIL's suggestion
that you "control" your behavior to avoid "disturbing"
your MIL. This is never a good idea, but I have to give him points
for standing by his wife. Perhaps DH should honor his father by
emulating his behavior, and no longer tolerating those who disturb
his wife. It may seem cruel to suddenly stand up to MIL now, but
if she senses that she can sway either of you by bringing up FILs
death, she will be in mourning forever.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
You need to tell your DH that until MIL starts showing you respect,
she will not see your children. Your children will start to show
you disrespect if they see grandma disrespecting you, especially
if their father lets it happen without saying anything to his mother.
RESPONSE: It's Just Very, Very Hard
Unbelievable. I read your story and thought that I was reading
my own story. I have been dealing with the same situation with
my MIL for about 8 years. Please know that you are not alone.
You seem to be like me, always trying to be nice and do the right
thing. Let me tell you that it absolutely does not matter. You
are in a situation that is very hurtful, and no matter what you
do, she will not change. I also lost my wonderful FIL to cancer
about 6 years ago. I hate to tell you, but for me it has only gotten
worse. I do not exist at all. She calls only DH on his cell phone.
She invites only DH to come over and visit her by himself. She
sends birthday cards with money, but none for me. She just recently
invited my DH to go to a national park on a family vacation with
his sisters and their husbands, but not me. As crazy as it seems,
my DH says that she is just very jealous that he has a wife, no
matter who he married. For some reason, these MILs cannot accept
that their son's wives comes before them. It's a really sick control
game that I will not participate in. I have also been told that
maybe I'm "just taking things the wrong way". It's very
mean, and you don't have to put up with it. One day, after being
treated like complete dirt, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore.
I was done. I haven't spoken to my MIL for about 5 years now.
When I see her at the store, we go in different directions. Unbelievable,
but this seems to be what she wants. I didn't want it this way,
but I had no choice. I do not acknowledge her birthday, but I do
buy a Christmas gift for my DH to give to her. Of course, otherwise
she would get nothing. My MIL also quit acknowledging our wedding
anniversary right after my FIL passed away. I feel that is also
a way for her to let us know that she hates us being married. My
only ordeal now is that my DH has not and will not confront her
with her behavior. That is very hard for me, but I try not to fight
with him about that, because that is what she would want. I won't
give her that. He says that he would confront her if she brought
something up, but that hasn't happened. Oh, when she sees him once
every 2 months (she lives about 3 miles from us), she always says,
"How's your wife doing? Tell her hi for me." That really
makes me sick, because I don't exist to her. Keep your head up.
It takes some work, sometimes daily. Keep telling yourself, over
and over, that you have a great family - your DH and your kids.
Try not to go around her, unless it's an absolute emergency. If
you are invited by MIL to go to dinner, be sick. If your DH goes,
that's okay. Find an excuse. You are not a human punching bag!!!
Try not to put yourself in any situation where you will be around
her, because it will keep causing you a lot of pain. This may not
be the greatest advice, but it has helped me soooo much. Your MIL
will constantly be playing games, anything to hurt you or upset
you. Just tell yourself that you are not going to participate in
her sick behavior, and try to stay way from her. I promise that
it will help you so much, and remember that you are not alone.
Keep your head up. You sound like a great person.
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Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
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posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
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Working Women Don't Have Wives