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Mother-In-Law Stories
January 30, 2005
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JANUARY 2005
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Worst gift:  The worst gift ever given to me by my MIL was a single packet of store brand hot cocoa.  They're by no means poor, and I got her a $300 bed set.  Hmmmm.

        Signed - Hotter Than The Cheap Cocoa

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My DH and I heard from an unrelated 3rd party that MIL and FIL had adopted yet another child several months ago!!!!  Now, maybe I'm crazy, but if you adopted a child, wouldn't you tell your other children???  Anyway, after he got over the anger and shock of just not being told, he called her.  This is a huge step, because their family was NOT taught to communicate.  So, he called her up and talked to her for at least 2 hours about how this all made him feel and how he felt very "tossed aside", and how he feels that she doesn't care about him anymore.  My big burly husband was CRYING on the phone!!!  And, after all that, she said, "Well, this is what I want."  And that's basically IT.  He told her, "I don't even feel like I have parents anymore," and she had NO reaction to that.  Can you IMAGINE hearing that from one of your children????  She didn't even care.  What a B!TCH.

        Signed - She Didn't Even Care

        Per the poster's request, no responses collected.

I have a problem, not with FMIL, but FFIL, and I need your advice!  See, my DF is an only child, and his dad is a little off color.  That's a big lie, he's a pervert.  He's done the following in the last two years that we've been together:  Come up behind his wife, when she was cooking and I was sitting at the counter, to touch her chest ("Oh, this is the only time she lets me get close enough to her!").  Flipped on an adult TV channel (during a Christmas party) to two people having sex.  His BIL and I were on the couch, and he turned to me and asked, "FDIL, are you that athletic?"  He announced loudly at the dinner table that FMIL won't give him sex, or that she would be a better wife if she could.  He asked me to get a "sexy" bra and panty set for his wife for Xmas.  I told him once that my twin sister and I were getting massages for our birthday, and he went on and on about how he couldn't get the idea of me and my twin massaging each other out of his head.  He said things like, "Well, maybe I'll get a hug from FDIL today.  We all know she's fun to hug (I have 36 DD chest size)!"  And, he regularly asks DF about our sex life.  My twin went to visit their house with me, and she refused to sleep in the day bed near the side door that he comes through at night.  I recently blew up at DF because I had repeatedly told him that this makes me uncomfortable, and I want him to stop.  After I yelled about it on the car ride home, DF said, "What do you want me to do about it?  It's his house."  I didn't talk to him for three days (which is a huge deal, we never fight).  So, he called his dad and told him how I was so embarrassed at that talk, how it made me feel, etc.  DF said that FFIL cried and promised that it would never happen again.  SO, this is my question:  Do people change?  I think about it, and I would never leave my future son or daughter alone with him.  DF said that this is just how he has always been, and the rest of the family just takes it with a grain of salt.  My dad is a psychologist, but I'm afraid to tell him, because maybe he won't approve of my marrying into that family.  And, like I said, DF is the only child, so they're gonna be around!  BTW, DF and I are both professionals.  He's a doctor, and I'm getting my doctorate soon.  He's not an idiot, he's just used to his dad's behavior?  BTW, his dad had a hard upbringing and his mom had a reputation.  He never knew his own dad.  He lived in different places growing up till he met and married his wife at 18.  Maybe I thought that he was a survivor of abuse, or just the rough upbringing.  It's not just me, he also asked a friend of DF is she wanted to see what a "real man" looked like when she visited for the first time.  I don't think that the girl was over 19 or 20.  They go to church, don't drink, and don't swear.  They're otherwise very generous.  They say that they love me, and they treat me as one of the family, so I hate the idea that I don't know what to do about this.  Now that I opened my mouth, his mom is a little upset with me, kind of like I made a fool out of her for saying that I thought her DH is a pervert.  Experiences and advice, please!

        Signed - Scared of Pervert FFIL

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
Would you like your children to be around this man?

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
You simply stop interacting with this clown.  Look him straight in the eye and tell him that his IQ level must be lower than the size of his pen!s if he thinks you don't know what he is up to.  Think about this:  If you have a DD, she may very well be fair game for him.  His hard upbringing has nothing to do with his being a pervert.  His stupidity is to blame for that.  I wouldn't keep this from my dad, because, after all, FFIL has now made your sister feel uncomfortable.  Put your foot down, and stand your ground.  If the pervert can't keep his mind, mouth, and hands out of the gutter, you may want to rethink the wedding.

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
Why did you have to have your FDH tell him that he made you uncomfortable?  The time to confront things like that is WHEN THEY HAPPEN.  The moment that he switches the TV to porn, get up and say, "I will not watch this filth," and leave the room.  When he says, "She's good to hug," say, "That is inappropriate from my FFIL, NEVER say that again."  Or, you could say what another poster here said to a MIL who said inappropriate things.  Give them a shocked stare and say, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"  When someone is that rude, you don't have to fear offending them.  All bets are off.  AND, TELL YOUR FATHER - maybe he SHOULD talk you out of this marriage, or at least he should talk to your FDH and show him how to get a clue and grow up!

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
Here's the deal:  YOUR FFIL IS A PERVERT.  Your FH knows it.  Your FMIL knows it.  They've probably stopped being shocked by it years ago.  And, part of the reason that they're so quick to shrug it off is that they've spent years trying to cover up the fact that he's got a problem.  They're tired of dealing with it.  Their being kind to you in other respects does not make up for the fact that your FFIL is sexually harassing you.  It is NOT normal or appropriate to comment on your breast size to the whole family.  It is NOT normal or appropriate to comment about fantasies involving you and your twin massaging each other.  It is NOT normal or appropriate to comment on his wife's lack of interest in sex, ask about your sex life, or ask you to aid in his sex life by buying underwear for his wife.  Part of your FH knows that it's not normal, and kudos to him for standing up for you, at least partially.  You deserve better treatment than this.  DO not start wedding planning until you resolve these issues.  It will affect the level of respect that you feel for FH.  It will eventually interfere with your own sex life.  The next time that FFIL starts the smut talk, leave.  No explanations.  No chances for him to make excuses or say, "Just kidding."  Just leave.

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
No experience, but perhaps some advice:  Now that FFIL has been put on notice that his behavior is offensive, it's up to *you*, not your DF, to enforce it.  If he makes blue comments to you about your chest or your twin, or whatever, *leave*.  Pick up the car keys and leave.  If he turns on a dirty movie, go to another room.  If he gets all pissy, tell him that he already knows that this stuff offends you, so you can only assume that he does it to offend.

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
I was sexually abused by my dad, and so were my three sisters.  We are adults with children of our own, and we never let the children be around him without us present (until they were adults).  DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT let him alone with any of your children until they are old enough to know better, and defend themselves.  I had my boys take Karate, and I told them to use it on ANYBODY who attacked them in anyway.  I have never told them what happened to me, and thank God my father, who has since asked for and received forgiveness, has never done anything to or with my boys.  Yes, my father is a product of abuse.  I chose to stop the madness with me.  Your DH really must understand that behavioral problems do not fix themselves, they need professional help.  And that doesn't always work.  Good luck!

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
It doesn't matter that your future ILs go to church and are generous.  It doesn't matter that your DF is a doctor.  What matters is that you keep putting yourself in a position to be treated with gross disrespect and lewdness, and you keep tolerating a DF who doesn't have a problem with it.  Why?  Why do you have so little self-respect that you keep going back for more of this?  Why don't you think that you deserve a DF who gives a rat's patootie that his own father is doing this to you?  Your FFIL may apologize, but you know in your heart what he is deep inside, apology or no apology.  You also know that your DF is a man who's OK with his dad repeatedly making disgusting sexual remarks to young women.  Marry your DF and this is what your life will be like forever.  Not only that, but think of the children whom you might bring into this.  Picture your FFIL baby-sitting your prepubescent daughter.  There's no amount of money, prestige, or desperation that would make me marry into a family like that.  So why are you willing to?

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
Your FFIL is a pervert.  Your FDH doesn't want to deal with it, and would rather you just put up with it.  This is not a normal family, and this is not anything that you should ever have to put up with.  Please do talk to your DF about this.  He can probably offer you a lot of insight.  I would not marry this man until this issue has been addressed to your satisfaction.  For me, that would mean no further contact with FFIL.  Ever.  You already know that you don't want your future children to be around FFIL.  What do you think will happen after you get married?  DH will stand up for you and things will change?  If FDH won't do it now, he won't do it later.  Please, seriously reconsider getting married to this person.  A ring on your finger will not make FFIL behave himself and quit being a pervert.

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
The thing about coming up behind his wife while she was cooking doesn't sound perverted, but the other stories DO.  He may just be all mouth and no trousers (in other words, he's all talk, and wouldn't really be trouble), but I wouldn't take the risk.  I'd make a point of calling out FFIL every time he says something off-color, along the lines of, "You know, FFIL, saying stuff like that just makes you sound like a dirty old pervert."  Also, keep your stories about massages to yourself in the future - don't encourage the old goat.

RESPONSE:  Scared of Pervert FFIL
I think that you handled it correctly.  Don't give up on your DH because of his father.  As many people here will tell you, you can't toss the seed away because it came from a bad apple.  Your DH has proven to you that he is on your side and will discuss any problems that you have with his family with them, and try to resolve it.  That alone says a lot about him and his character.  I would just try to limit the time that you spend with them and make sure that you have NO alone time with the father.  If he starts making comments that make you uncomfortable, leave.  That will send a clear message to all that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior.


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