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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
January 19, 2006
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DECEMBER
2005
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JANUARY
2006
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My DH and I have been
married for almost 8 years now. We met under strange circumstances.
Well, to be honest, both sides of our families had concerns. I
did not meet my MIL until 9 months after we were married and had
a 6 week old baby boy in my arms. I knew it was going to be rough
after a phone call that my DH made to them a week before our wedding.
The ceremony took place at a courthouse in the city where we were
stationed. We understood that because of the short timing, they
would more than likely not come. DH is in the military and shortly
after our son was born we were set to go to Japan. We were REALLY
excited about it. He had been to Japan before and absolutely loved
it. I had never been outside of my home town of 1000 people before
I had met him. My MIL is very brash and to the point. She doesn't
care who she hurts. While in Japan, we received an anniversary
card, "Can't remember when your wedding is, as we were not
there," and their signatures. It was the little things like
that, that bothered me quite a bit. However, I refused to state
anything to her, because it was dumb and petty. DH would get quite
a laugh out of her comments and we would just vent to one another
about a statement or comment that she made. All was fine. We were
finally back stateside after 3 and a half years. My birthday is
in March. One night I came home and went to the mailbox. I noticed
a card addressed to me from the ILs, so I proceeded to open it up.
Inside my birthday card was a 9 page (note sized) letter telling
me how she disliked me. She said that she felt sorry for her son
because I was just using him, in her opinion. I never did anything
the whole time I was under her observant eye. She said that I used
them, and that I also drove a wedge between her and her other son
by running to him and crying about what a mean person she was (an
event that did not take place). She said that I didn't spend time
with my son, and while I stayed with them, I never offered to do
anything for them until the last day of my stay. That couldn't
have been further from the truth. She has a habit of remembering
what she wants to remember. The letter was cold, and I saw red
by the time I finished it. It was the worst day of my life. Despite
everything that she had done or said to us, I had let it roll down
off my back and not let it bother me. As I said earlier, it was
all just petty stuff. She has her ways and I have my ways. I think
that she thought I was a weak person and wouldn't say anything to
her. To add more to it, her mother was on her death bed, and she
used it as an excuse to vent her feelings. My poor DH was beside
himself. He couldn't believe what his mother had written in the
letter. I was so mad that I was shaking, and he took my car keys
away for the night. We could not discuss this matter right away
because our son was still up. We have a rule in our house; despite
the problems that we have with our parents, it's not to be discussed
in front of our children. For 3 hours I sat outside because I couldn't
look at my son, because my eyes were red from crying. I knew that
he would ask me what was wrong. I was so scared that I would break
my rule, so my DH took care of DS until it was time for bed. My
heart was basically ripped out from my chest. It wasn't because
of the horrible words that she placed in that letter that were intended
for me. It was the fact that she was ripping her son's heart out
more. The part that hurt him the most was this wasn't the first
time that she had done this type of thing. She had done it with
his first wife, as well. I knew it was trouble when he stood over
the kitchen sink and wished her dead. That instantly made me cry,
and I actually defended her. I don't know how I did it, but I told
him, "You don't mean that." He told me that in fact,
he did. I didn't respond to the letter. She kept calling the house
and asking my DH if I wanted to talk to her. He kindly warned her,
"I don't think you want to talk to her right now, and I don't
think you want to be talking to me right now. If she has anything
to say to you, she will get in touch with you how she sees fit."
A week or so after the letter we got the call from his father that
grandma had passed away. So, without hesitation we loaded up into
our car and drove 13 hours straight to get to their home town.
Before we left, DH's sister called up in tears, as a letter had
been delivered to her DH, as well. It displayed the same disgust
and hatred for him as there was for me. She had asked that I bring
my letter when we came up for the funeral. It was a hard week.
The ILs didn't stay in the same house as we all did. When they
came over to visit after the funeral, etc., I left the room. I
didn't speak at all. During the day of the funeral I stepped outside
for a smoke. The rest of the family didn't know what had transpired.
I refused to be the "B", so I acted like nothing had happened
and finally had to step out and take a breath of air. MIL came
outside, as well, to have a smoke. We stood there in silence.
Finally, she broke it and started to break down right there in front
of me. She was so upset that her mother had passed away. Not knowing
what to do, I did the only thing that I know how to do. I held
her and hugged her, and told her that it would be ok. I walked
into the funeral home after and I told my DH, "She needs her
children outside with her, not me. I am the last person, I am sure,
whom she wants to console her." I had decided to save my response
for her for a couple weeks after the funeral. In the meantime,
my DH couldn't wait that long. A week after the funeral he called
her. In the beginning it was calm, and then it got heated. She
condemned me for sharing the letter with him, "How dare she
do that. It was between her and me." DH told her, "You
attack my wife, you attack me. And I will let you know right now,
I am not making the same mistake that I did with my first wife.
I will back up my wife. I am on her side." It was SO mentally
exhausting. Finally, I sat down and did what I knew how to do -
write my feelings on paper. I had to get to the place where I couldn't
vent out hatred. Just the facts. I thought about calling her,
I thought about meeting her face to face. Finally, my DH said,
"Why? She didn't grant you that. Do what was given. She
doesn't deserve any special treatment." My letter was to the
point. My letter was honest, and recounted the incidents that she
spoke of with what really happened. I wrote down my feelings as
I saw fit. I told her that I was not the one to be blamed if her
children never spoke to her again. She was doing that perfectly
on her own. I was very proud of my letter. I sent it to her.
That was 3 years ago, and I am still bitter about the whole thing.
I was working my way up to actually wanting to be around her. But,
the reason I am around her is for the sake of my children and my
DH. I go to her house if I want to go. However, it's been miserable
when I go there. Then, in 2003 she ruined that by not respecting
our wishes when our DD was born. DH and I asked that no one be
at the hospital until after our DD was born. The night that I went
into the hospital my DH called his parents to let them know that
the baby would be here by the morning. They could come up and wait
at the house with my mother and our son, or come up in the morning.
Two and a half hours later there came a knock on the birthing room
door. MIL's face, all smiles, appeared from the door. I think
my blood pressure rocketed when I saw her face. I know that my
heartbeat raced. I didn't say anything, though. I just sat there.
She said to me, "You don't look like you are in labor. You're
doing a crossword puzzle, for crying out loud." I just smiled.
I gave my DH "the glare". FIL and MIL stayed for about
2 hours. I knew that FIL didn't want to be there. He knew what
our wishes were, but when she gets on a tangent, even he can't stop
her. She kept hounding me, asking if I wanted her to go get my
mother, who was taking care of our son. She said that FIL could
watch him, and the two of them could come back. She asked, "Don't
you want your mom here with you?" I looked at her and said,
"Well, to be honest, no, I don't want her here." I left
it at that. I think my DH could see that I was about to explode
because she kept hounding me about it. I refused to give in to
her, and I refused to give her ammo for saying how rude I was to
her. It wasn't until after the ILs had left that my DH said, "I
told my dad to get his wife away from me before world war three
broke out." And, I guess my DH ordered the people at the nursing
station that no one was to be allowed in that room unless they were
nurses and doctors. I later found out that once they got to my
house, MIL tried to pester my mother into going to the hospital,
and my mother refused. When it comes to my MIL, I am numb. I have
no feelings towards her at all. I wish her no malice, of course.
I told my DH that I would never make him choose between her and
me. And, I know it's not over between us. I personally have made
it over between her and me. As soon as that letter was received,
I stopped almost all communication. While in Japan, I wrote them
every single week to let them know how our family was doing. I
showered them with photos of us. I was the one who sent out the
g'pa and g'ma cards, the Mother's Day card, the Father's Day cards,
etc. I was the one who bought the presents and the flowers. When
the letter arrived I told my DH, "It stops here and it stops
now. You will be responsible for sending her all those things.
I am not wasting my time and energy on someone who thinks that I
do absolutely nothing. So, for the past 3 years, the Mother's Day
cards are either late or forgotten, along with the flowers. If
my son wants to send her a letter, he does so. He takes time out
of his day to write her a letter to thank them for whatever they
have sent him. I put the address and stamp on it, and it's sent.
I don't call them for any reason. DH knows not to hand me the phone.
When DH is away and my son wants to call them, I dial the number
and I let him talk. I proceed to find something else to do - something
that my sons knows not to disturb me during (like giving his sister
a bath, or doing something where I can't hold onto the phone).
DS is very smart, and I don't ever want him to find out that his
g'ma and I don't get a long. I don't want to taint his opinion
of her. I think that GPs are important for a child. I know that
in time he will catch on that something between her and me has gone
on. If he hands me the phone, I do talk. If he wants to go down
to see them for the weekend with all of us, we go. It's all for
him. I don't ever want to break my son's heart that way. I have
told my DH that when my son reaches 18, I am going to an office
supply store and getting her letter blown up to wallpaper size so
that I can paste it over the walls. I never want to break my son's
heart the way she broke my DH's. I never want his wife hear those
words, "I wish my mother was dead." I love him too much
to ever hurt him like that. I will not get rid of my letter because
in the future, when I want to say something at a point in time when
I disagree with DS, I want to be able to pull that letter out and
remember that night I opened that letter, and how it made me feel.
And I want to remember the tears in my DH's eyes when he read the
words about his wife. I don't want to cause my son those same tears.
Signed - All For Him
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