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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
March 19, 2008
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FEBRUARY
2008
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- NorthernGirlSouthernHousewife, 2 of 4 needed
/Posted: 19-MAR-08
Ah, so many little stories to share about my ILs.
I could talk about the time we met GMIL at a hotel to celebrate
DH's birthday. After DH and BIL walked in the door, she looked
me in the eyes, slammed the door, opened it a second later and said,
"Sorry, I didn't see you there!" Or, how GMIL threw a
huge fit at our wedding about how she had to be escorted down the
aisle. It was a low key wedding, very inexpensive and laid back.
DH's family wasn't involved in the least, so I guess they didn't
know what to expect until a few of them bothered to show up (they're
close by, and most didn't come, while almost all of my large family
flew from across the country). Or, maybe I could write about how
MIL likes to pick fancy restaurants to eat at, has us pick her up
and drop her off (even though she has a car), picks a place where
DS can't eat - a place that costs way too much, orders whenever
she feels like it - whether we're ready or not, and gets appetizers
to eat by herself in front of our hungry 2 year old (and she has
only offered him food once). She then decides randomly about whether
or not she'll pay for us after inviting us out there (I don't think
this will be happening ever again). But, my favorite, or, rather,
most painful story has to do not with DH's actual blood relatives,
but with his best friend's family. They have pretty much claimed
him as one of their own. The mom has always been super sweet.
The dad is fun and relaxed. Their two kids (DH's best friend since
forever, and his older brother) are great guys, and we've always
loved hanging out with them. There were a few things that bothered
me, but nothing awful?? We adopted a baby. During the adoption
process, these people were very helpful and supportive. We received
long hugs at every positive or negative step. They were references
for us. They never said a bad word and were fully supportive.
And, then we got the call. There was a 21 month old baby boy in
Ethiopia waiting for us. It was one of the most incredible moments
of my life: seeing his sweet face for the first time, hearing his
name, getting to know my son through a couple of photographs and
some background/medical reports. It was such an emotionally charged
day - a day I can never, ever forget. My parents were, unfortunately,
occupied for the night, so we chose to visit DH's friend's parents
with the news. After all, they were like family. They were extremely
close to MIL and BIL, always claiming DH and BIL as other sons.
They welcomed me to "the family" on our wedding day, etc.
We were there showing them the pictures of our gorgeous little boy
and talking about him, and then it got weird. Suddenly the mom
wanted us to pick a name RIGHT NOW!!! We'd already settled on a
name that we liked, with a couple of backup names. But, we wanted
to make sure it fit him and went with his original names, as we
were keeping those as middle names and wanted to complement them.
The mom listened to our choices of names and sat there critiquing
them, going on about whether she'd like the names or not, whether
they'd fit him, did he look like a "X" or not, etc. She
had us "vote" for names at one point, asking us what we
thought of them. Um, I thought that was supposed to be our job
to decide. When did she become his mom? Of course, we mentioned
that we were considering keeping his original name and just tacking
on our last name. We may as well have said that we planned on beating
him, because, oh man, they both launched into a tirade! Did we
really want to do that to a poor, innocent child? They couldn't
even pronounce the name! It sounded so foreign. We'd be making
it hard for him to make friends, get good grades, get a job, etc.
Sorry, again, our choice, not yours. And, it's actually a very
common Ethiopian name that many people we've met have heard of and
can pronounce. And, yes, I think he'd do fine with that name.
And, if he chose to go by it, then hooray for him! He has our full
support there. The name thing? Not the worst of it. See, we have
lots of pets. I used to volunteer with a no kill animal shelter
and our area has an insane animal overpopulation rate. So, we have
6 cats. So sue me. We still passed the home study, as we keep
our house clean. Our house is actually set up for this number of
animals, and we've had many people tell us, when walking in, that
they can't believe we have cats at all. Unfortunately, one day
DH's friend's parents came over to pick us up for something, walked
in uninvited, and smelled a bad smell. At the time, one of our
cats was sick (didn't last long), and, yeah, the litter area stunk
like crazy. As it's near the front door, you could definitely smell
it right when you walked in (but not from the rest of the house).
I'm not going to deny that it stunk for a while before our cat got
better. But, that's definitely not the norm for our house. So,
here we were, sitting at a table on the very first day that we had
seen our son's picture, still jittery and excited and scared and
emotional and all that jazz, and a little bit put off by the name
thing at the same time. But, hey, we were told to expect something
like that. Suddenly, the mom reached over and grabbed my hand.
She looked me in the eyes and started going on about my cats and
how I have to get rid of them. She said that I can either have
pets or children, not both, and I needed to understand this. She
said that our house is disgusting and, as a mother, she would never
allow her own child in our house. She said that I'd see the child
as just another pet, and I can't be a real mother because I have
so many cats and only know how to be a pet owner. A social worker
would walk in and take our son away instantly when they saw our
cats. When we protested this fact (they'd just give us a warning
to change), she went on about how she'd never let a kid in our house
and no person in their right mind would allow it. None of this
was said to my DH, only to me (4 of the cats are DH's and he wants
more, not getting them though). As the conversation went on, it
got worse and worse. They told me of that horrible smell in the
house (the one time they were in it!!!) and how no child should
be subjected to that. There was obviously fecal matter on the floor
with a smell like that, which our child would eat. I was horrible
for allowing a little child to eat poo. Um, I think I'd know if
there was poo on my floor. It was just bizarre. The worst part
was that we did have trouble with our social worker after these
people, supposedly "just like family", handed in their
reference letter for us, which we weren't allowed to read. We were
only now hearing that they think we treat children like pets and
wouldn't allow a child in our house, but they were hugging us at
every turn. Ugh! How duplicitous! So, that happened in August.
I was upset to tears for days because I knew that we'd just lost
people whom we thought were great friends, and I knew they'd ruined
what should have been one of the happiest days of our lives. I
will never be able to disassociate the day we first heard about
our son with the day that we felt belittled and betrayed by people
we'd felt so close to. To rub it in, they went on about how we
could, and should, bring DS over any time, as their house was perfect
for kids. They'd never get bored or angry (like I would be doing
constantly). They had all the food and room, and only 2 cats.
They knew that I couldn't handle a child, so they knew I'd be dropping
him off constantly, and that was okay. They'd welcome him with
open arms, because he was one of them now. In December, we saw
them again for the first time since that celebration day. They
hadn't tried to contact us but once over a question about one of
their cats, nothing to do with our DS. They didn't come to see
him when he got home, even though they're incredibly important to
DH. They are the only "family" that never physically
abandoned him and always embraced him. They took him in when his
mom moved overseas when he was 15, and gave him a place to stay
for breaks from boarding school and college. Finally, we saw them
at a Christmas party at DH's mother's house. I brought my best
friend to help support me, and so she'd be with me when I conveniently
left early with DS (her family is my "extra family").
DH's friend's family was there in total. They fit right in with
the other ILs. They act just like one big family together. Everyone
played nice. Barely anyone acknowledged me or DS. Finally DH's
friend's mom pulled me aside. She demanded to know what I was saying
about her behind her back. What was this she heard about her saying
something hurtful and me being upset with her? I told her a little
bit, reminding her of her words. But, oh no, that wasn't what she
said! I had warped her words in my overemotional mind! She would
never say anything like that. She never apologized for any harm
taken, but she pretty much demanded an apology from me, since I
was spreading lies about her, hurting her, keeping her from DH and
DS, whom she also sees as part of her family now (I'm not included
anymore, apparently). She had me backed into a corner in a darkened
room, raising her voice, getting very accusatory about how mean
I was and how I was making things up. Then she started to demand
that I say that we're "okay" with each other, before giving
me the most awkward bear hug of my life. I left right after that,
and haven't spoken to her since. I did tell her that we're okay,
not because we are, but because I wanted to get away from this woman
who was acting erratic and starting to get physical (grabbing wrists
and shoulders and such). I wanted to get back to enjoying my first
Christmas with my DS, something I would not let her ruin. DH spent
a few more hours with the whole family so that he could get that
out of the way for the next year or so. I went home vowing never
to be around, or let DS be around, that crazy woman ever again.
DH agrees wholeheartedly, though I feel so bad for him, since he
really feels let down (again) by his whole family, including them.
For the record, the only poo DS has touched has been his own on
a couple of "helping mommy change a diaper" occasions.
The sick cat has been fine for a loooong time, and is DS's best
buddy, letting him do whatever he wants to her. The cats and dog
actually all love DS and he adores them. Oddly enough, when we
visited his remaining family in Ethiopia, there were cats EVERYWHERE
in their town. So I guess it's comforting to him. Oh, and the
social worker walked in and saw the cats. She told us what a great
home we have and the happy cats laying about and cuddling with DS
just proved what great parents we were. I wish I could've taped
that conversation to send to DH's friend's family or any of my ILs.
But, just hearing it made me happy. I was able to get rid of the
awful fears of losing my son - ideas that were put in my head the
very same day we learned we even had a son. Even though we feel
better about that, I don't know that we can ever forgive this woman
for saying such horrible things to us on what was such an important
day. Nor can we ever trust her or her family with saying the truth
to us, because Lord knows what they might actually think, and at
what inopportune moment they may choose to reveal their thoughts
next time.
Signed - No More Next
Times
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Working Women Don't Have Wives