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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
December 11, 2009
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NOVEMBER
2009
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DECEMBER
2009
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I have long since given
up on having a meaningful relationship with my MIL. The anguish
and suffering to my family is more than it is worth. So, I write
tonight to express a few thoughts that I have on the matter of "The
In-Laws". I have taken some reflective and contemplative time
now that I have accepted the hopelessness of having a meaningful
relationship with my MIL. When you are "under siege"
by the regime of "MIL Behaving Badly", sometimes it's
difficult to be objective. The best thing I ever did was to "let
go". Here's a few things I have surmised from the experience:
When you take up with someone who ultimately becomes your mate,
you receive their entire family. That is something you feel you
must do, and are even willing and somewhat excited to do to be personable
and open to the opportunity to expand your repertoire of meaningful
relationships. To do so is, by many accounts, healthy and normal
- as long as you don't become a doormat. However, that does not
come with a guarantee that you will be equally accepted. You will
see this in many families, just as you would any species in the
animal kingdom that assembles in groups, tribes, etc. There is
a hierarchy, a pecking order, and so on. But, in humans, where
we are "higher thinking" animals, we often let perceptions
and predetermined notions obscure the sensibility that life is forever
unrequited. We are, in fact, at this moment too "higher thinking"
for own good. Another observation that continues in the same vein
of a group, tribe, clan, etc., in the animal kingdom is that those
who are in "senior" positions in the group, tribe, clan,
etc. can very easily feel threatened by the irrational notion that
their offspring has been carried off by someone from the outside,
and are no longer focused on the care of their "seniority".
This immediately places you, DDIL/DSIL, in a place where you are
viewed as contemptuous, less-than-good-enough, vile, and so on.
In essence, and though DMIL would never admit it, you have become
"The Enemy". For many insecure MILs, you single-handedly
broke up the unit - THEIR UNIT - and therefore have a place of rank
that is somewhere between he!! and the bottom of MIL's shoe. Purgatory
does not even come close. It's hard and it's evil, and it is a
fact that you cannot and should not deny, especially when dealing
with MILs who seem to have such psychological traits as being neurotic,
narcissistic, insecure, sociopathic, paranoid, etc. There are many
medical books on the types of personality disorders associated with
these psychological traits. I AM NOT a psychologist. But, I cannot
deny that I know first hand they do surely exist in MILs. I am
just a DDIL whose MIL has missed an opportunity to be cared for
and about by expanding the tribe and embracing the addition as a
sign of prosperity. And, for now, another aspect of "MIL Behaving
Badly" is the dynamic one can observe and sense in their mate.
This can go a number of ways with various depictions: The Spineless
Knave; The Courageous Curmudgeon; The Other Man; The Outsider; and
so on. It can be quite disturbing and disheartening to observe
your mate unfolding in these ways. Often, your mate bears an unnecessary
responsibility to vacillate between their new life with you and
the burden put upon them by their maternal tribe member. I found
it painful and humiliating to observe. AND, it was painful to have
allowed myself to be a part of it. MILs do not seem to take into
account the toll their seemingly "caring" demeanor puts
upon their offspring. However, often times the offspring are right
in line with MIL's regime of "MIL Behaving Badly". They
will defend, make excuses, straddle two household demands, etc.,
just to make it in both worlds. It's stressful just to watch, much
less be involved. So, there is an aspect of selfishness to MIL
Behaving Badly where the needs of the one outweigh the needs of
the many, and exclusively the needs of their very own offspring.
What really is occurring is that we are too incensed by the behavior
itself to see that it is the self-defeating prophecy MIL creates
for herself. How many divorces and broken hearts have such MILs
caused? Tonight, I close by telling each of you that I may not
have all the answers and I am by no means a savant on the subject
of MIL Behaving Badly. But, I do know this: My world became a
little more peaceful when I accepted the observations that I have
shared here. I am no longer tied to this person. Despite my altruistic
efforts truly given in loving kindness, I will NEVER gain acceptance
by MIL. I accept this as my way of letting my heart make up with
my head. Maybe it won't be my way, but maybe you too can find a
way to have peace for yourself with your MIL situation. Be well.
Signed - Zenaida Macroura
(Latin for Mourning Dove)
( responses to this story )
( here is my story )
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Working Women Don't Have Wives