Mother-In-Law Stories
Not A Bad MIL

Posted: 29-JUL-01 OK, I just came across these pages and I read some of your stories with a very mixed feeling.  Let me explain myself.  I am a MIL.  So, on one hand, I feel sorry for you gals.  I feel really badly that you have to take all this abuse from your own MILs.  But, on the other hand, I believe in a possibility that some of you see everything in a twisted mirror.  I think that I, myself, do everything to have a good relationship with my DIL.  I buy her expensive gifts.  I help them out when they need someone to baby-sit.  I help my DIL with cooking and cleaning when I come over.  However, I don't think that my DIL appreciates anything that I do.  I don't believe she respects me, or cares enough about my feelings.  The problem started with the birth of my granddaughter.  Naturally, I wanted nothing but to help her out.  I wanted to give her the best advice that was coming straight from the heart.  However, she NEVER LISTENED TO ANYTHING I SAID!!!!!  She only listened to her mother!!!!!!!  Her mother told her to nurse her baby "on demand", which turned out to be every 1.5-2 hours.  She did that and it compromised the sleep of the baby and resulted in a sleeping disorder that the baby had later on.  But she did not care when I explained to her that the babies need schedules, they need to be fed every four hours, and they do not need to be fed during the night.  She said that she read it in a book.  However, I KNOW THAT IT CAME FROM HER MOTHER!!!!!  Her father is a doctor, and he took it upon himself to write a prescription for some medicine for the baby to relive her allergies.  I offered a more natural approach that worked well for my own child!!!!  However, they completely disregarded my opinion.  They went on with what her father said because he is a DOCTOR!!!!  So what???  What about my own experience???  The baby was not gaining weight at all.  She looked so skinny, but my DIL insisted on "exclusive breastfeeding" till about 6 months because HER MOTHER SAID so!!!!!  She said that doctors were not concerned about her weight, and seemed very irritated when I raised that subject.  Finally they decided to start her on solids, but they never acknowledged that I was right.  They visit her parents all the time, but they rarely visit us (less than once a week).  I miss this baby terribly, but I feel like I have no right to voice my opinion.  The most painful thing is that my DIL does not trust me with her baby.  She says she is afraid I will feed her something that she is allergic to (like I want to harm my own granddaughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  When I confront my son, he says to me that my DIL is very jealous, and I need to give her some time.  He always makes promises to bring the baby to our place over the weekends, but he rarely keeps those promises.  I started potty training my own baby when he was 5 months old, and he was completely trained by 11 months.  When I tell my DIL to start potty training her 9 month baby, she walks away like what I say is completely stupid.  My DIL always walks away when I say something that she and her mother do not believe in.  I am not a doctor, but I raised my son.  And when I was young and inexperienced, I turned to my mother for an advice.  I was divorced, so I did not have any help from my own MIL.  I could not apply her own life experience.  However, my DIL has that advantage.  Why can't she use my life experience???  I am much more experienced with the babies than she is!!!!!  I feel like she denies my RIGHTS with the baby.  I feel like the baby will grow up not knowing his other grandmother.  That is what she wishes for.  She does not want me to have anything to do with her baby.  BUT THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have the same rights as other grandparents do.  And I am going to use those rights to have contact with my granddaughter!!!!!  There is no way I am going to let her take her away from me.  When she grows up, I want my granddaughter to love me as much as I love her.  So gals, this is my side of a story.  Please, be objective and help me deal with my DIL.  All I want is to help and be involved in my grandchild's life as much as possible.  What is wrong with that???  I want the best for my children, and I strongly believe that I treat my DIL as I would my own daughter.         Signed - Not A Bad MIL RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 Are you serious?????  If I were your DIL, I would be moving, changing my address and possibly even my name.  All this aside, I think I can actually offer some constructive advice for you.  If you want your DIL to enjoy spending time with you, stop telling her how she should raise her child.  It is not your place.  You raised your children, now let your son and his wife raise theirs.  I'll bet your relationship will be a lot less strained if you stop doing this and stop complaining and insisting that you spend more time with them.  Children have their own lives, and want to be free to live them.  They are responsible adults with their own family.  Don't treat them like children that need you to supervise their every decision.  My own parents live 9 hours away, and my IL's live 6 hours away.  We don't see either of them more than 3 times a year for a couple days, so count your blessings that you see them once a week.  Personally, I wouldn't even be doing that.  I think that your DIL was right not to follow most of your advice.  Potty training at 9 months is just insane.  I hope that she continues to go to her own parents, especially her Dr. father for advice.  I'm sure her child will thrive.  Reading through your post, I couldn't help thinking ... this must be a joke. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 I must say, as a DIL, my teeth began to clench as I was reading your story.  I have been on the DIL side of this coin, as many women here have.  It is clear that this is a control issue.  You seem to think you're competing with your DIL and the other grandparents.  You are angry with your DIL because she is doing things HER WAY and not yours.  I must say that many things have changed in the aspects of infant care in the last 20-30yrs.  Just because your kids lived doesn't mean that the EXPERTS haven't learned a better way that is healthier for babies.  Did you know that breast-fed babies do tend to be smaller than bottle-fed babies (and healthier)?  I guess your DIL and I have read the same books and articles (no, my dad is not a Dr.) on infant care, because it sounds like we did things the exact same way.  FYI, I often went against what my own mother thought, as well as my MIL.  Remind yourself of how it feels to be a young wife and a new mother.  It is HARD.  From your story, I got a strong sense of disapproval of your DIL.  Are you familiar with the term "unsolicited advice"?  Or the term "overbearing"?  Did your son actually say "jealous"?  Do you think he was trying to tell you what you wanted to hear?  And do you think that your son has no choice about bringing the baby to see you?  You say, "they" a lot.  I assume this to mean your DIL and your son.  You must understand that "they"' are a family now.  "They" are adults.  You seem to put all the blame on your DIL, then you say "they"'.  My advice to you is to stop putting your son in the middle.  Stop giving unwanted advice.  Stop making your DIL feel like you think that she doesn't know what's best for her own child.  Treat her with respect.  Don't try to push yourself into their lives.  Give them space.  "They" are grown-ups now with their own busy lives.  There is not much worse than having someone else's way CRAMMED down your throat.  Please CALM DOWN and look at this rationally.  You must respect their boundaries or you will continue to get shut out of their lives. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 My first thought on reading your letter is that you have got to be kidding.  Didn't you pay attention to the submissions you've read here?  It's as though you used them for ideas on how to be a real pain-in-the-neck MIL.  I, too, am a MIL.  Let me give you some advice if you want a good relationship with your DIL.  Back off.  Mind your own business.  If she wants your advice, she'll ask for it.  Their world does not revolve around you.  Lastly, get a life of your own and stop trying to live theirs.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 When I read your message, I thought you must just be someone playing Devils Advocate and having some fun.  But, if you're not, and you genuinely do have this problem, then I'll tell you what I think!  It seems from your message that you are only interested in doing things your way.  You constantly berate your DIL for not listening to you, and not doing what you want, despite the fact that you are patently not educated in current child rearing methods.  This isn't to say you were a bad parent, but things have moved on since those days, and ideas have progressed.  You need to respect your DIL as a parent, and not undermine her authority and skills.  Why on earth would you expect her to listen to you when you have no intention of listening to anybody else?  Then you move on to the real issue - the fact that you want to control this baby and are willing to destroy your son's marriage in the process.  You have no right to take a baby from a mother because you are not willing to keep quiet and behave respectfully.  Instead of focusing on yourself, why don't you let your son and DIL work on their relationship without causing problems.  Show your DIL that you can support her, not criticize and undermine her.  You may find that your relationship changes. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 First of all, you have no real right to interfere in the upbringing of your grandchild.  Give help only when asked for it.  Every book I have ever read says that a new infant should be fed on demand.  How can it be interrupting its sleeping if it's "demanding" to be fed?  It is natural to turn to your own mother when it comes to raising a baby.  She doesn't understand your methods and wants to go with what she knows.  Also, breastfeeding exclusively for the first 6 months is recommended by every health practitioner on the go.  The reason that the baby might have looked skinny to you is that breast fed babies have a lower rate of obesity.  You said that when you come over, you help with the cooking and cleaning.  Are you asked to do this?  If not, it is more than likely that your DIL feels that you are overstepping your bounds in her and her husband's house.  You say you buy expensive gifts, but a gift can be expensive with no thought behind it.  Or, in extreme cases, they can be seen as an insult.  Something inexpensive but thoughtful might do the trick.  Finally, have you tried talking to your DIL?  Maybe if you tried a more hands off approach, your DIL might respond favorably.  You can't expect to have someone want to visit you when you criticize everything she does. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 First of all, you have NO RIGHTS to this child, because she is not yours.  It sounds like you're way more concerned with being right all the time than with having a decent relationship with your DIL.  I don't blame her.  I wouldn't want you around if you were acting this way either.  You had better learn to back off and bite your tongue, or the only time you'll be seeing your grandchild is at her high school graduation! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 Boy oh boy lady, did you reread what you wrote?  I hate you already, and I don't even know you.  This child is your son's and DIL's, not yours.  Advice is just that, it's advice.  You can take it or not.  Breastfeeding is on demand, and she can breast feed for as long as she wants to.  And as for you saying that you started potty training your son at 5 months, I find that very difficult to believe.  Most children don't start potty training until at least 2 years of age.  This is your DIL's child to raise, get your nose out of it.  As you've already noticed, she doesn't take your advice, so SHUT UP ALREADY!!!  You'd probably get more visits with your grandchild if you would just enjoy her and not be mouthing off all of the time.  Don't judge your DIL.  You raised your kids the way you wanted, and she will do the same.  The more you BUTT IN, the less you will see of them.  And don't give me that grandparents rights sh!t.  I don't blame her for not letting you see her child, with you spewing poison all of the time.  The way I see it, you have 2 choices:  1) Shut up and see your grandchild.  2) Keep on mouthing off and giving "advice", and never see them.  Decide for yourself. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 OK ladies, here is a classic example!  CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL!!!!!!!!  Need I say more? RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 I have never heard anything so ludicrous in my entire life.  A newborn baby doesn't need to nurse at night?  Potty training at 5 months old?  Weekly visits to your house aren't enough?  Come on!  I'm not even going to dignify your complaints with a thorough response, because I'm sure tons of other people are going to post.  I feel really sorry for your DIL. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 Lady, I hate to break this to you, but your advice about child-rearing is completely antiquated.  Feeding on demand (in other words when the baby is actually HUNGRY) is best for the baby, and young infants do need to eat during the night as well.  And, potty training a baby at 5 months is child abuse!!  A child does not even have the cognitive ability at that age to learn to use the potty!  If you read T.Berry Brazelton, he will tell you to start the process when the CHILD, not the meddling MIL, is ready!  You asked for advice here, so I will give it to you.  Stop sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong!  It sounds like your DIL is doing a fine job of caring for her baby.  She has done her research.  And you, yourself, said you asked your mother for help and advice, so why are you berating your DIL for doing the same thing?  It sounds like YOU are jealous and angry because you can't have complete control over your granddaughter.  Maybe if you didn't spend your visits with her trying to tell your DIL how to raise her child and trying to control everyone, then you would see your granddaughter more often.  If I were in your DIL's shoes, I would avoid you like the plague!  The last thing a new mother needs is someone scrutinizing and criticizing.  If the baby's pediatrician thinks her weight is fine, then who are you to decide otherwise?  I'm afraid you are not going to get much sympathy here.  You sound like all the rest of the selfish, controlling MILs on this board.  It seems like what you want in exchange for your help with baby-sitting and housework and nice gifts is total control over your son and DIL's lives!  It just doesn't work that way!  You are the one with the problem here, not your DIL.  And I hope you do some serious soul searching.  You don't get to just sit back and DEMAND your rights as a grandparent.  What about your DIL's right to raise her child as SHE sees fit.  Have you ever thought about that?  If you don't take a look in the mirror soon, I think you will be a very sad, lonely woman.  Please consider what I have said. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 While you seem to have good intentions, you should realize that your DIL probably feels that you are interfering.  You mention that you raised your son.  Fair enough.  I'm sure you also made mistakes.  That's all natural.  Now, let your DIL do as she wants with HER CHILD.  Although you feel you should say something about this or that in future, don't do it.  Keep quiet.  Let her raise her baby the way she wants to.  By doing this, you'll gradually get to see more and more of your granddaughter once your DIL realizes that you're not just an interfering MIL who is ready to pounce on everything she does. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 Your advice is not a bad thing to offer to other people, but only if they are asking you for that opinion.  One of the hardest things to do is to sit by and watch them make mistakes and not do everything the way that you would, but whose life is it???  This is HER chance to prove to everyone that she is a good MOM.  But when you are always giving advice, that might cause her to feel that you are condemning her ways of parenting.  Not everyone's style of parenting is in unison.  So, maybe instead of always trying to give advice, just love the grandchild and be happy that they are trying their best to be good parents, whether you agree with their methods or not.  It is not up to you to decide that.  It seems to me that they are pulling away from you.  And your wanting and needing to always give your advice without them asking you to do so is probably the cause of them staying away from you.  All people want to be around people who are positive influences in their lives and those who make them feel adequate.  Making mistakes is the only way you will ever learn anything.  When you are the grandparent, it is harder to see what you are and aren't doing correctly for THEIR child.  Were there some mistakes that you made when you were a new mother??  Of course, if we were all perfect, our lives would be soo easy, and the world would not be such a mess??  Just try not be so busy giving advice UNLESS THEY ASK YOU!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 I'm a lurker here who has never posted, but I want to try and reply to you as clearly as I can.  I'm a DIL and a daughter who would have issues with some of the things that you describe in your letter.  I have been mad at my own mother for similar things.  In general, do you offer your advice when it is asked for only, or whenever you see them doing things wrong (in your opinion)?  If you give advice when you are asked, people are much more likely to listen.  Or do you just tell them what they should do all the time?  My mother did this all the time.  She raised 6 children, and I still want to do certain things differently from her.  She didn't like it at all until I explained that I had heard her advice, didn't agree, and would be leaving (or stopping) the conversation from now on if she couldn't stop telling me what to do.  Things have changed a lot since you and my mother had babies.  Doctor's and expert's opinions have changed regarding breastfeeding, solids, sleep habits, toilet training, etc.  Whether you agree or not, it is your son's and DIL's right to raise their child as they see fit.  I would also be unhappy if my MIL, or mother, felt as you seem to - that I had caused my child's sleep disorder (whatever that is in a baby).  Maybe the baby would have behaved the same no matter how your DIL fed her.  We'll never know.  Also, why do you feel that they should acknowledge that you were right when they started feeding the baby solids.  Maybe they planned on starting solids at six months (like a lot of BF guidelines suggest) no matter what you did or didn't say, so it has nothing to do with you.  I would try and put yourself in your DIL's shoes.  You are offended that she thinks you might try to hurt your granddaughter by feeding her foods she's allergic to, but you think it's okay to blame her for things that happen to the baby (i.e., sleep disorders, etc.)  This would drive me crazy.  Also, maybe she doesn't want to try toilet training a baby.  I sure wouldn't.  If I were you, I would let it go.  You gave advice, she heard it, and she's doing something differently.  It's okay.  The baby will be toilet trained eventually.  I'm trying to give you some perspective on how your DIL may be feeling.  I don't know.  And you would have to talk to her or your son to be sure.  My last point has to do with visits.  You say they don't come see you as much as they see her parents.  Is all the visiting their responsibility.  Do you call and ask to go over and see the baby?  I don't go to my MIL weekly either, but if she calls and wants to come over for a couple hours, I've rarely said no.  The key is to accept it if the time you want is not good for them.  Come to visit your granddaughter and not expect your DIL to wait on you.  If they have to do all the visiting, you may not see as much of your granddaughter as you like.  In general, if I wanted a good relationship with my DIL (future), I would baby-sit when asked (like you do), try to help out (like you do), and try to remember that my opinion is just an opinion.  Don't offer it if it isn't asked for.  Don't assume you know everything about things.  Don't try and control everything.  Your relationship with your granddaughter will develop over her entire life, and you can't force her (as a baby) to love you as much as you choose.  Also, if your DIL and you have a history, you will have to try extra hard to overcome it.  Good luck.  A daughter's perspective. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 Speaking objectively here, it sounds as if you want your DIL to choose you over her parents.  That's not going to happen.  She's known her family all her life, and she trusts them.  Whether or not you have given her any reason to distrust you is irrelevant.  BACK OFF.  It may sound like good advice to you, but keep it to yourself!  If all it does is irritate her, then why do you insist on giving her advice and throwing in your 2 cents worth?  She doesn't need to learn from YOUR life experience, she needs to learn from her own.  If her mother gives her advice, its taken as love.  If you give it, its taken as criticism.  Its not a competition for your granddaughter, so don't make it out to be one.  By the way, if they are seeing you more than 2 times a month, that's generous and very frequent.  And I think most people here would agree with me on that.  It seems like you mean well, so my advice to you is to just back off and keep your advice to yourself.  As much as DILs and MILs may want to get along with each other "like family", we're not family, and it will take time - a LOT of time in some cases. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 31-JUN-01 If I were your DIL, I would ignore your advice too.  How about picking up some "up to date"' parenting books and apologizing to your DIL for trying to force your ideas on her.  I see no justification for your anger.  Schedules are just plain wrong. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I am so sorry you are going through all this pain.  I am a DIL who is on the receiving end of all my MIL's advice.  Although I understand what you are saying and I understand your frustration, I am sorry to say that backing off is the only answer to your problem.  Unless a DIL and MIL have had a pretty much flawless relationship from the get go, your advice will seem like you are trying to tell her how to run her life, and it does not go over well.  I know that you have the best intentions, and I can tell by your post that you are a wonderful mom/MIL, but back off a little and bite your tongue.  Trust me, it is for the best.  I would just be the bigger person and give advice only when asked.  If the doctors and her own mom are not concerned with the baby's weight, then surely a DIL will listen to them over a MIL.  I'm not saying that is right in her situation, but I would if it were between MY MIL and MY DOCTOR and my mom.  Think of it this way - you have a daughter and you did things one way for her growing up.  Then she gets married and that is the only way she has always known.  She has a baby and does things the way you did it (or are advising).  Then MIL comes in and tells her another way.  Be it right or wrong, she will be more apt to do it your way.  You are her mom, and you did such a good job with her that she wants to do it the same way.  Just to let you know, newborns (if nursing) DO eat every 1.5- 2 hours.  And sometimes at the beginning to establish a milk supply, the advice is to wake them.  But after a time, the baby should have found a schedule.  If not, then the mom is the one who has to wake up so often.  If it bothers her, then she would have stopped it before long.  The "sleep disorder" could have been coming regardless.  About how often you see the baby - I would just smile and be happy when you see him and don't complain.  Depending on the personality of your DIL, complaining will only make her stay away.  Grin and bear it.  Eventually your SON will see if she is mistreating you.  OR she will come around.  You are, AFTER ALL, that baby's grandma.  I am praying for your situation.  Let us know how things are going: RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 Analyze your story.  Notice how many times you use the words "I want", "I have", and "I know".  Ask yourself, "If I asked MY mother for advice on raising my baby, why am I begrudging my DIL the privilege of soliciting advice from HER mother?"  Ask yourself what you would do if someone demanded "rights" to your baby.  Would you believe they'd take good care of your baby if they pooh-pooh'd everything you had done up to that point to raise it?  Honey, I hate to say it, but you might not think you're a bad MIL, but you're a DIL's worst nightmare.  Help only when asked.  Advise only when asked.  Be grateful that you see them when THEY want to see you.  And GET YOUR OWN DARN LIFE.  STOP TRYING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS IN THIS LITTLE FAMILY.  I don't have kids, but I do have a MIL.  And your kind is EXACTLY THE REASON WHY I WILL NOT HAVE KIDS until my MIL steps off a little.  Don't make these parents regret your presence.  But, thank you.  Your letter makes me realize that I'm making the right choice in not having "her grandchildren" right now, or ever, possibly. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 Let me first say that I can anticipate a lot of the responses you will get.  Please read what I have written as I am truly trying to help you and give you advice that will help you in your relationship with your DIL.  I know that you feel you are doing your best and being helpful with your advice and everything.  I'm sure you did a great job with your own children.  BUT this is your DIL's child, not yours.  She has a right to look at parenting issues herself and make her own decisions.  It sounds to me like she is following a lot of the current thinking - feeding on demand, breastfeeding until 6 months.  The current advice is to not start potty training until around two years.  If she is consulting her pediatrician and following his advice, then you really need to back off.  I am sorry.  I know you are trying your best, but this is what is harming your relationship with your DIL and your grandchild.  If you have been pestering her to feed the baby solids, etc., and you show that you do not respect her decisions, she obviously thinks that you will do things your own way if she leaves the baby with you (and you might do something she doesn't approve of).  You need to take a step back and try to respect their decisions regarding their baby.  You had your chance with your own children.  When you feel that you can respect your DIL and son, have a talk with them.  Tell them that you might not agree with every decision they have made, but you respect them and will follow what they want when you are with your grandchild.  Assure them honestly that you will not try to go around them and do your own thing.  And then back this up with action!  Stop harassing them about how you did things, your opinions, etc.  Once a week is actually pretty often to see your grandchild.  As she gets older, and you build a better relationship with your DIL.  You will get to see her more.  But if you continue this confrontational style, it will deteriorate.  Why would she want to visit when you spend every minute telling her what she is doing is wrong and that she is not a good mother?  Never,  EVER mention your RIGHTS to your DIL.  Don't even think of involving lawyers and courts and ruining any chance of a normal relationship.  I hope you haven't told your DIL your thoughts on this.  If my MIL ever threatened me with "grandparent's rights", she would never see my child again.  Please, please try to resolve things peacefully.  Find reasons to respect your DIL as a mother, and as the woman your son chose to have children with.  Stop giving unwanted advice, and you will all be much happier.  You will have a wonderful relationship with your granddaughter.  It took courage for you to post here asking for advice.  And, even if some of it hurts, I hope you take it to heart.  Try to see things from your DIL's point of view.  I wish you luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I'm sure you only have your granddaughter's best interest at heart, BUT if your DIL's father, A DOCTOR, tells his daughter to treat "his grandchild" one way, and you say to treat her another, then OF COURSE she'll listen to her dad, "THE DOCTOR"!!!!!!  So you're being overly sensitive regarding that situation.  And you are a GRANDMOTHER, not her MOTHER!  Maybe if you back off a little and just enjoy your visits without trying to "advise" your DIL, she will ASK for your advice sometime.  If you continue to feel like this is a contest between you and your DIL, you're are going to lose.  And as for the breast feeding, I nursed 3 children until they were 16 months old, so I KNOW what I'm talking about when I tell you that she was right about feeding on demand.  A breast baby DOES need to be fed during the night.  Due to the fact that they digest the milk SO much more easily, they need to nurse more often than a bottle feed baby.  And it shouldn't matter to you when she starts potty training.  She is the MOTHER!  You had a choice about when to start potty training and you did what you wanted to do with your child. Now it's HER turn to make the decisions regarding HER child.  A grandmother's job is to LOVE the child unconditionally, spoil her, pet her, and let her parent's raise her.  If you want to be in her life, you had better back off and let her mother be her mother.  If you continue to have a problem with your DIL, your time with your grandchild will ALWAYS be limited!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I read your story and wanted to suggest some reading material for you, because in the thirty or so years since you've raised your son, things have changed.  Some for the better, some not.  What your DIL is doing is called "attachment parenting".  And when you breastfeed, yes, the BEST way to do it is "on demand".  Fact:  Breastfeeding on demand doesn't produce a sleep disorder.  Breastfed babies do not sleep through the night.  Feeding on a schedule might deprive the baby of the nourishment it needs.  Fact:  Breastfed babies get exactly what they need.  They are self-regulated and tend not to be obese/overweight when they get older.  "The Baby Book", by William Sears, and "The Parents Guide For Toilet Teaching", would be excellent books for you to read to get into the groove with what your DIL and son have decided to do.  Also "What To Expect The First Year" is good.  It would be a tremendous show of support if you bought a copy for your DIL and gave it to her if she doesn't already have it.  And it would win you brownie points.  People don't potty train their children under one year anymore because it has been known to cause psychological problems later.  A word of advice - don't clean or cook for your DIL because it makes us DILs feel as if we are not doing our job or are incompetent.  Just enjoy the little time you get to visit the baby.  Educate/update your knowledge in regards to potty training, etc.  My MIL felt as you did, and all it has gotten her are once a month, supervised visits.  And she never gets to baby sit because she doesn't respect my wishes.  And I'm afraid that her outdated "life experience" will end up harming my children, even if she didn't intend for it to do so. Good luck! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I can see by the tone of your letter that you are a caring MIL, and that is great.  But from a DIL's point of view (with a controlling mother-in-law such as I myself have), I have to agree with your daughter in law.  If you want to be involved at all with you granddaughter's life, you need to stop giving any advice, at least for now.  Start by complimenting the way she does things with the child, and once that relationship with your DIL is strong enough, you can start by giving subtle advise.  No woman, especially a new mother with doubts of her own parenting skills, likes to be told how to do things with her own child.  She is probably feeling a little inadequate as a mother right now, and she needs support from you.  Trust me.  If you start to appreciate her own ways of parenting, even if it's different than your ways, she will start to come around. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I admire you for coming to this web site, and thank you for asking for advice.  Here it is:  Back off!  Yes, you have reared your own child.  That was your duty, your responsibility, and your right.  Is it not your DIL's duty, responsibility, and right to raise her child and she sees fit?  Believe it or not (I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic because it's not intended to be), when you were bringing up your son, you made mistakes and had people criticize your decisions.  And guess what?  You did a good job anyway, I'm sure.  Your DIL doesn't want expensive gifts from you - she wants respect (not the relationship of a mother and daughter - that she already has).  She wants the respect of one woman to another.  Give that to her, please. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I know you don't mean to be a bad MIL, but take it from someone who has a really good relationship with her mother, an OK relationship with her MIL, and a poor relationship with her FIL (divorced).  When you give your DIL advice, you may come across wrong.  My FIL does this constantly, and when I don't listen to his advice, I am disrespectful.  This advice doesn't mean you're a bad MIL, but if you give it CONSTANTLY, she won't listen to you.  And yes, daughter's have an awful tendency to listen to their mothers more than their MILs.  I know I do.  In my mind, my mother walks on water when it comes to raising children (she owns a daycare).  I would follow her advice in a heartbeat before following my MIL's advice (she has raised five children).  I also think it's good that she's following a doctor's advice (even if it is her father).  You do have a right to voice your opinion  Your DIL has the very same right to ignore you.  For example, my parents told us not to get a dog - we got two.  I took their advice into consideration and made my own decisions.  As far as seeing your granddaughter less than once a week, you should be grateful.  My parents and my ILs will only see my daughter every few months because we are out of state.  My advice to you as a DIL with a FIL who constantly gives advice:  Back off with the advice or you'll probably see less of your granddaughter than you want to.  You're already feeling the effects of over advice.  P.S.  If your daughter gives you the cold shoulder, rolls her eyes at you, walks away, or glares as you are giving advice, take that as a hint and leave her alone. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 I'm afraid you're going to get quite a few responses to your post, and not all of them kind.  You ask us to look at it from your perspective.  Well, you need to put yourself in your DIL's shoes.  Advice is just that, advice.  It is not a dictate to do things your way.  You must satisfy yourself with the fact that it sounds like your grandchild is being well taken care of.  Lots of people love the baby and your DIL is following the advice of doctors.  Not everything is going to be done your way.  You had your chance.  You raised your kids.  This chance is your son's and DIL's.  Let them do it their way.  You say you see this child less than once a week.  Frankly, I think that is quite a lot for the grandmother of an infant.  When do your son and DIL have a chance to bond with their child alone?  That's important too.  It sounds from your post that you are considering taking legal action to guarantee "your rights" as a grandmother.  Take my advice, don't!  You will put a wall up that will never be scaled if you try to take your son and DIL to court.  No one will win, and your grandchild will suffer.  Accept the fact that your DIL is free to choose who's advice she follows and enjoy your time with your grandchild such as it is.  You're missing out when you only focus on what's NOT happening, not what IS happening.  Best of luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 First, I need to say that advice is not a gift.  You don't just give it, no matter how prettily you wrap it up with good intentions.  You wait for advice to be asked for.  From what I gather, you have continuously offered unsolicited advice, and it appears it is driving your DIL (and subsequently your granddaughter) away.  Though they don't appear to be going far - you still see them once a week.  That's more than my own mother saw her grandson after my son was born and she lived 15 minutes away.  Please stop keeping track of how often the other grandma sees the baby - just concentrate on YOU and keeping your gift of advice to yourself.  Your DIL may never ask for your advice - so be it.  You hold on to your "expertise" from raising your child, and use it to do fun things like make cookies with your granddaughter when she is older.  IF you even have a relationship with her when she is older - the way you are going - DIL may even cut off the 1 day a week.  Your granddaughter is NOT going to thank you for criticizing her mother, by the way, so unless you get a handle on your anger and feelings of being treated unfairly by your DIL, your granddaughter herself may cut you off when she is older.  As for the way you are advising your DIL do things, I suggest you go to the library and check out some books and magazines to do with parenting.  Times and beliefs have changed since you were a young mom.  They would be good reading, and you would see that this advice your DIL is following is not just from her mother and doctor - father.  Your son was raised at a time when the advice you got - and are now attempting to pass on - was the way people felt babies should be raised.  Many of your beliefs are no longer adhered to, by any pediatricians or parents.  If you have questions, why not ask your own doctor?  If your doctor cannot explain to you why many of your suggestions are no longer considered the right way to do things, ask for a referral to a pediatrician.  They know so much more now about babies' nutrition, body weight, etc., than they knew just 20 years ago.  My own mom went with me to some of my baby's first doctor visits.  She said it had been so long since she had had a baby and things have changed so much.  I was touched that she was willing to learn, listen, and respect the decisions I made about how to raise my child.  My son is 4 now, and just the other day she said she isn't sure about this "no spanking" thing my DH and I are doing.  And she never could have had the patience I do, but it sure seems to be working.  I wasn't offended.  I know she raised 6 kids.  They believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child", but this is how I want mine raised and she respects me.  Perhaps your DIL would respect and listen to you if you listened to her.  Why does it matter to you that she feeds on demand?  And this is not just a crazy idea of her mother and doctor-father.  My pediatrician advised it also.  And to make a young baby go all night without eating?  I think that is cruel.  If my son woke up hungry, I fed him.  You're not the one getting up with your granddaughter.  Leave your DIL alone about it.  Some of my most cherished memories of my son when he was tiny was holding him in the rocker in the middle of the night and feeding him.  Don't sacrifice the well-being and happiness of a baby to adhere to a schedule.  My son did not eat solids till he was ready - and that was at 8 months.  Breast milk did him just fine.  Doctors have charts that show body length vs. weight.  They refer to them when checking a baby.  Why not ask the pediatrician about it and look it over?  And potty training before the baby is a year old?  I was amazed when I read recently that mothers used to do that.  But mothers also used to be told by family and doctors to have a drink to calm their stomach while pregnant, or dose a baby with cod liver oil, or give them aspirin for a fever.  By the way, MIL, all those things are now no-no's too.  You must have been exhausted!!!  You potty-trained your son at 6 months??  Didn't it occur to you when it took so long that he might not have been ready?  You would have gone ballistic about my son's potty training.  He decided he wanted to do it at 23 months changed his mind at 24 months, and stayed in diapers till he was over 3.  But when he decided he was finally ready, he was ready!  He averaged 1 accident a day for 4 days, and then he had maybe 3 accidents in the next 6 months.  He has never even had an accident at night.  And the whole procedure had the blessings of my pediatrician.  Like she said, these days doctors know you can create emotional problems in your child by pushing potty training too early.  And most children cannot even control their need for a bowel movement until they are a year old.  Your son must have been exceptional, and for that I congratulate you.  I, myself, refused to sweat the small stuff.  Why are you concerned because your DIL and son are still changing diapers?  They are the ones doing the majority of it.  You are sweating the small stuff, MIL.  Now as to your DIL's fear that you will feed the baby something she is allergic to.  No, I don't think you would purposely hurt your granddaughter.  But you have made it clear that you do not approve of her decisions regarding your granddaughter's health and eating.  I also would be afraid that you would do it your way to prove you "know what you are doing".  My MIL did that to me.  These days they say not to feed a child peanut butter till they are at least a year old - and hold out longer if you can.  My pediatrician added that since I have a lot of allergies, she felt my son should wait till he was at least 3.  My MIL thought that was bunk!  SHE had fed 5 kids peanut butter from 9 months on, and nothing happened to THEM!  Well, you guessed it - she fed him peanut butter at less than a year.  No, nothing happened.  But it will be a long time till I forgive her for that.  If I was your DIL, I would be afraid that you would do the same thing.  My 4 year old son could tell you that one of his favorite TV characters would tell you to, "Stop, breathe, think."  MIL, you need to do that before it's too late.  I know it will be hard.  But you love your son, you love your granddaughter - try.  Good luck.  I hope some of what I said helps. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 1-AUG-01 After reading your story, I am scared to have you as my MIL.  Let me give you some hints on why you (MILs) are not liked.  1.  DILs do not always listen to their mothers.  It is this attitude of MIL that makes them run to their mother for support.  The more irritated you will be of her mother, the more she will hate you because she knows you are doing that just to have rights to her and her kids.  I hate my MIL only, and only because she does that with my mother.  She wants me to give her priority over my own mother.  And I did that 'til the date she bad mouthed my mother.  Now I go more often to my mother just to bug her. 2.  There will be better peace in your life if you let your DIL live her own life without interfering.  She goes to her mother because her mother does not come to her with uninvited suggestions.  She went to her.  If you will not stop budging into her life with your experiences uninvited, you will get the treatment that you are getting.  REMEMBER - A MOTHER ALWAYS DOES WHAT SHE FEELS IS BEST FOR HER CHILD, AND if she feels that you are a threat, then you are.  YOU yourself have put yourself into this position.  3.  Leave her alone and she will come to you.  4.  Don't try to show her your rights over her husband (Mind you, he is your son, agreed.  But now he is married and has a family of his own.  He needs some space too).  I wish I could tell all this to my MIL, as I am desperate to have good relations with her.  I try and think she is not that bad, and then she says something about me or my family that hurts me, and I want my husband to leave her forever.  Don't do that to yourself.  Remember that today you can fight, but what will you do when you are old and need them?  And you'll need love, and not hatred from your DIL.  Then you will never be able to make peace with her, because she already will not want to see your face.  Call her up, leave your ego, and try to be her friend - not her MIL.  Wait 'til suggestions are invited, and take my word, invitations will come.  Enjoy your grandchildren.  Don't worry that she will do something wrong with her children.  After all, she is their mother.  She will do best for them, even if there is no one to give suggestions.  And don't act like you have a right.  They know that you have a right, but once you say it in some way or the other, you make them pull away from you.  Don't pull her away from her mother, you are driving her towards her mother by doing that.  She knows her mother better than you.  You do not have to tell her faults to your DIL.  And, if you have raised healthy children, then so has her mother.  By saying that her mother is not giving right suggestions, you are saying that your DIL was not brought up properly.  And the day my MIL says that, she is out of my life for good (even though, in my heart, I might know that what she might be saying may be right).  But, you say it, and you lose it.  A DIL. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 YOU STARTED POTTY TRAINING AT 5 MONTHS?  ARE YOU INSANE!!!!!  NO WONDER YOUR DIL DOESN'T WANT YOUR ADVICE.  What you did with your child, in psychological terms, is referred to as "potting", and the child has no knowledge base to build training skills on.  Also, what is wrong with breast-feeding?  Babies who are fed "on demand" and not "on a schedule" tend to thrive more consistently.  I know from personal experience what a schedule did to my daughter.  It caused her to have an eating disorder that caused her to projectile vomit across a room because of ninnies who insisted that she eat on a schedule.  Why is your DIL jealous?  How much do you want of HER husband that she feels this way?  Instead of offering unsolicited advice, why don't you ask her how she is doing, and how it is progressing, instead of saying, "Well I did it this way."  All that does is invalidate anything that she and her husband are doing.  And it is natural for a daughter to seek the advice of her mother.  I think there is a bit more to this story.  A twisted mirror has two views.  Maybe you should look further into your version of the reflection. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 Welcome, MIL.  It's nice to hear another perspective, but prepare to be blasted!  I agree with you that SOME of the DIL's do tend to see things in what seems to be an unnecessarily negative light, and some amaze me with their patience!  As for your situation, you need to understand that your DIL perceives your advice as criticism.  Yes, you may have more experience in raising children, but SHE is this child's mother and she and her husband will and should make the decisions regarding her upbringing.  Don't assume that she ALWAYS follows her mother's advice either.  She most likely doesn't.  You said yourself that you turned to your own mother for advice, and she is doing the same.  She has a relationship and trust with her mother that she does not share with you.  Don't take that personally, its just the way it is.  Stop giving her unsolicited advice - its just driving a wedge between you and keeping you from your granddaughter.  You need to remember that you were unsure of yourself when you were a new mom, and your DIL is too.  Your "advice" can be hurtful and irritating, rather than helpful.  If you really want to mend fences, you might consider going to see your DIL and apologizing for the advice you've been giving her.  And tell her you did it out of love for your granddaughter, and not because you meant to criticize her parenting skills.  I would also recommend that you will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  If you start trying to assert your "rights", you're going to anger both your son and DIL  THEY are this child's parents, and NO ONE has rights above theirs.  Read some of the archived stories here about some of the problems DIL's have had with MIL's after the birth of a baby.  It may help you understand your DIL's perspective better.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 It is very nice of you to want to help your DIL.  However, you should help when and if you are asked, especially when it comes to your granddaughter.  If you want to have a civil relationship, just nod and do not interfere.  If you do not, you will not only have a bad relationship with your DIL, you will most likely have a bad relationship with your granddaughter as well. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 Your story sounds very typical to me.  You feel that you have rights when it comes to another person's life.  However, you seem to have no clue on what another person's rights are.  Your DIL has every right to raise HER OWN CHILD in her own way.  You need to respect that.  PERIOD.  Your problem seems to be a controlling issue too.  What is so wrong with her trusting her own parents' advice?  THEY raised her, not YOU!  Why should she trust you just because you say so?  Does she know you, really?  To be honest, you sound a little unstable.  You said a newborn shouldn't be fed through the night?  Are you insane?  You had a problem with your DIL breastfeeding?  Why?  Was it because YOU couldn't do it?  Then you say she should start potty training a 5 month old?  Are you for real?  I wonder if you are legit, because that just sounds so far off the mark!  I would walk away from you as well.  Just reading your letter, with all those question marks and exclamation points, made me feel overwhelmed.  I can't imagine what you must be like in person.  You sound like you could benefit from some therapy.  You really need to back off of your DIL.  It sounds to me like the only crime you accuse her of is wanting to be a nurturing mother to her child.  You need to stay out of her life.  You didn't give her life.  You have no rights to hers or any body else's life.  If you see them once a week, once a month, or once a year, you should be thankful, and make the most of it.  Maybe if your DIL actually felt sincere and genuine love from you, she would want to be around you more.  You do not care one bit about her, and it is as evident in your story - as I'm sure it is to her.  Do some serious self-evaluation and seek some counseling for controlling a narcissistic nature. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 Umm, I really hope this is a joke - someone's parody of a MIL.  Just in case it isn't, I have a big piece of advice for you:  Run to a bookstore and buy a CURRENT book on babies.  You will find that the advice you are giving out is extremely outdated, and goes against the mainstream.  You sound very opinionated on these issues, and I think that by being so firm with such outdated ideas, you are turning your DIL off.  I would NOT have left my daughter with someone with those ideas - someone who was so firm about how she was right (and all the medical evidence about breastfeeding, among others, was wrong).  You should have a role in your grandchild's life, but you are not the mother.  You need to respect her ideas about breastfeeding and feeding on demand, which are, by the way, backed by the American Association of Pediatricians, the World Health Organization, and other authorities.  Try to be more respectful of her choices, and try just to be a loving grandmother, rather than a critical MIL who thinks she should dictate how her grandchild is raised. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your DIL.  When I started reading your posting, I felt sorry for you because you seem to genuinely care about your DIL and your granddaughter.  However, as I read more of what you wrote, I began to lose sympathy for you.  Just because you did things a certain way years ago doesn't mean it is the right way today (i.e., years ago they put babies to sleep on their stomachs, and today that is considered a bad idea due to SIDS!).  I have had THREE children and I breastfed all on demand.  No sleeping disorders, no skinny children.  NO ONE I know has potty-trained their baby in the first year of life.  In fact, there was an article recently focusing on how diaper companies are making bigger-sized diapers these days because kids are not getting potty-trained as early as before.  There is no 100% right way to raise a child.  I am doing the best I know how, and I want the best for all my kids.  I can't stand my MIL.  She was never one to give advice, but I wanted her to do so because I figured it would at least showed she cared.  My MIL totally favored her daughters and their kids, and seems to hardly care for her sons' kids.  She doesn't offer to baby sit, and gives her sons' kids inferior gifts compared to her daughters' kids.  You can try to give your DIL advice, but don't punish her if she doesn't take it.  I am sure you did the best you could raising your son.  Go ahead and let your DIL do her best.  And then she cannot blame you if she screws up.  I think it is natural for women to take more advice from their moms.  Try and be supportive without being critical.  I honestly believe that it is tougher to be a mom these days than it was 20 years ago.  Sure, today's moms have disposable diapers and VCRs and microwaves, but there is also the message society sends that moms have to be perfect.  And there is just so much more pressure to have smarter kids and put the kids in all these baby classes, etc.  I can tell you care for your granddaughter by your posting.  But if you want a good relationship with her, you need to bite your tongue and watch the criticism. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 I have the MIL from hell.  And while I do not know you, I would like to make a few points that may help you with your DIL.  Point 1:  It does not matter that you are right, you MUST decide whether you want to be right, or have a relationship with your son's family.  Point 2:  Like it or not, he chose her.  And if you ask him to get involved, you're going to lose.  The mom typically controls access to the grandkids.  If you want a relationship with your DIL, you're going to have to bite the bullet and let her decide the terms of visitation (until you establish trust with her).  YOU DON"T HAVE TO LIKE IT, just do it.  Point 3:  Contemplate how you view constant unsolicited advice.  It gets annoying.  My MIL offers advice about everything.  Many times it is advice about things that are none of her concern, or it is intrusive.  Your intentions may be good, but if she doesn't ask for advice, don't give it.  Point 4:  A girl is usually going to have a closer relationship with her family than with her husband's family.  She trusts her parents - she doesn't really know you.  Point 5:  You see yourself as super-mom.  She sees the woman that didn't teach her son to put the seat down.  Your ex-husband was probably far from perfect, but I'm willing to bet that his mother didn't think so.  Point 6:  Ted Bundy described himself as a good person.  You might think your DIL is missing the boat by not utilizing your advice, but if she isn't taking it - and is distancing herself (and your grandchild) from you, she doesn't think you're a great MIL.  Point 7:  Her Dad's a doctor.  If you were in her shoes, would you listen to your beloved dad, or your MIL?  It's not a tough call.  Point 8:  She is not stupid just because she doesn't take your advice.  She's the mother of your grandkids, and the woman your son chose to spend the rest of his life with.  Let your son and DIL decide what's best for themselves and THEIR children.  You raised your kids, let them raise theirs.  Point 9:  Feeling sorry for yourself benefits no one.  Not even you.  You're just creating more animosity toward your DIL, and she's going sense it.  Point 10:  You need to PRAY VERY HARD that it isn't to late to repair your relationship with your DIL.  I know mine could cure cancer and I still wouldn't like her.  She just pushed me too far too many times.  You may think she would tell you, but she won't - not until it's too late.  If your son isn't bringing your grandchild over, you might want to think about why.  He can avoid seeing you, not so with his wife.  My MIL confronted me about taking her son "away" from her, and we didn't see his family for a year.  I was married before to a terribly abusive man.  His mother was the greatest MIL ever.  She didn't know about the abuse until the marriage was over.  Later I realized that I was more afraid of losing her than my ex.  I thought my current MIL and I would be pals.  I was wrong, and you might be to.  Think about it. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 I tried to write a response to you this morning, but something was wrong with the computer (or web site) and it all got lost.  You surely deserve credit for being brave enough to write to US for advice!  I hope our responses help.  You are truly talking from the opposite perspective.  We commiserate about MILs who give pushy, unsolicited advice (who really likes to be given advice, unless they ask for it?  Do you?), and who aggressively push for their "RIGHTS" with our children!  I'm sorry, already my bias is clear.  I'm sure you do mean well, and that very few MILs actually think they're bad MILs.  I was going to say:  Can you remember how it was when you were an insecure, new mom?  A mom for the first time.  Would you have wanted YOUR MIL to be all over you with advice and demands for her "rights" in regard to your baby?  But you mention being divorced, and that not having been an issue.  I think maybe the way a lot of well-meaning and essentially decent MILs go wrong IS by thinking of their DILs as their own daughters.  It's a nice thought.  But unfortunately it's more appropriate to treat her like a new friend - someone you can't take for granted, someone you have to treat with respect.  A lot of the problems seem to be because MILs and FILs just "let it all hang out" in front of their DILs (and SILs?) the way they would with their own children.  They give overbearing, domineering, UNWANTED advice.  That IS the way they treat their own children, but there is a lifetime of love and familiarity there that can't be instantly forced with your DIL.  Do you care about your DIL?  It's not clear from your note - it seems like you care more about giving your fair share of advice and asserting your "RIGHTS" in regard to her child.  Was it your right that she had a child in the first place?  What if she hadn't even had children?  I think being a grandmother is NOT a right, but a privilege!  If you care about her, and treat her with the RESPECT and the deference that is due the child's mother (she is the one who REALLY has the rights!), you might be surprised by her improved attitude toward you.  I know it's hard to fix a relationship that's gotten off on the wrong foot, but it's possible. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 I wrote before, but can't stop thinking about this!  Some thoughts:   1.  Even in the Bible, it said that a man should leave his mother and go to his wife.  It's just natural for your son and DIL to want to have autonomy and live their own life apart from you, no matter HOW GREAT a MIL you are!  It's just human nature.  I bet a lot of grandmothers WISH they could see their grandchild as often as you do!  It sounds like you see her an awful lot!  It occurs to me for the first time, that it doesn't say in the Bible, "A WOMAN should leave her mother."  Just, a MAN should leave his mother!  I think there's a reason for that.  I think, with all due respect, that your son and DIL live way too close to you for a healthy relationship.  2.  With all due respect, does your DIL WANT you to help her cook and clean when you go to her house?  It's only a help if she WANTS it.  Otherwise, it's a terrible imposition, and an insult.  If she does genuinely wants you to do it and appreciates your help, I bet she likes you more than you think.  3.  Again, with all due respect, I know it must be hard to be a mother-in-law.  The LAST thing a young couple has time to think of is the MIL's needs and feelings.  They're busy starting a new life together - and a new family - which pretty much takes all their energy.  It's tough, because MILs pretty much have to fend for themselves.  They can't be the center of attention when a young couple is starting a new life!  4.  Your DIL turns to her own mother for advice because her mother has loved her ever since birth, and clearly has your DIL's own best interests at heart.  Your DIL trusts her own mother.  But her own mother has had a lifetime to earn that trust.  5.  Maybe you have a lot of experience that you'd like to share about your own time as the mother of a baby.  This sounds hard, but it's not your DIL's job right now to make you feel good about sharing all that.  Lots of women have had babies, and advice is a dime a dozen.  And everyone has their own opinion about what works.  If you really need to pass your knowledge along, you might need to volunteer somewhere, or do something where there are young mothers in need of advice and mentoring - and WANT it.  Your DIL is busy dealing with all the insecurities of being a new mother, and she should be able to get advice from whoever she wants without hassle.  Your feelings can't be the most important thing right now.  6.  I think it was disloyal of your son to describe his wife as "jealous."  She might well feel threatened by you, but not because she's jealous.  It's because it's natural for a new family to need some space, and she doesn't trust you (I'm guessing!) to give their new little family the space and autonomy they need.  7.  You don't need to waste your time being jealous of her parents either.  If you could be supportive of their relationship (which sounds quite good), maybe you'd all end up being friends.  If you had a daughter, she'd probably come to YOU for advice - a lot more than her mother-in-law!  Don't you think?  8.  I'm sorry this sounds so harsh.  I meant to be kind.  It's brave of you to write to this web site because these are the EXACT problems that push our buttons all the time.  You can see how WE see things in a "twisted" way, and we can see how you do.  I guess the evolved thing would be if we could help each other?  I do think it must be awfully hard being a MIL.  Out of curiosity, how WOULD you define a "bad" MIL? RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 My wife and I have problems with my mother overstepping her boundaries.  When my wife read your letter to me, I just had to respond.  You make my mother look like an angel!  You do not want a relationship with your DIL.  You want to control your son and his family's lives.  I also cannot believe you are complaining about seeing your granddaughter less than once a week.  I was exhausted just reading your demands.  Also, who wouldn't want to take their mother's advice over their MIL's?  You didn't.  My parent's were divorced, and my mother still had contact with my grandmother on my father's side.  So, do not even try to use divorce as your excuse.  I'm not as kind as the other women on here, so I don't have a problem saying that you are crazy!  Well, you made my day.  Thank God I don't have it as bad as your son.  Think about what you are doing to him, his family, and his marriage.  From the sounds of your letter, I doubt you even care. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 Oh wow, are you really looking for advice?  First of all, you have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to tell your DIL how to raise that child.  That is HER child, so butt out.  For your information, breastfeeding on demand, and exclusively, is actually good for kids.  I know when you had infants they probably told you that schedules are necessary, but did you know that breastfeeding every 4 hours can actually lead to failure to thrive in many babies?  Breast milk takes much longer to digest, and it's also produced as it's needed.  The less often you nurse, the less milk you have!  Do some research and you'll find that your DIL and her mom are right.  Your DIL knows what she is doing.  Leave her alone.  And also, visiting as OFTEN as they do (you said barely once a week?). I'd think you'd be grateful to see your granddaughter that much!  What do you expect?  Daily?  That's not "rarely", that's visiting a lot!  So my advice is to back off and respect your DIL as the mother of her child.  I'm sorry to be so touchy, but I read your post and saw the kind of treatment I'm dealing with from my overbearing, smothering, "knows best" grandmother.  And the worst part is, SHE thinks she's right too!  I really feel for your DIL.  And if you want to have a good relation with her, and help your son's new, little family, you have to back off and start leaving your DIL alone! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 2-AUG-01 WOW, your point of view is most likely exactly the way my MIL would view her relationship with me.  In fact, if it wasn't for a few things you said, I might actually think that you are my MIL.  My MIL has always bought me expensive presents, which I do not appreciate.  She, like you, thinks that, because they are expensive, I should like them.  Personally, I find out what a person likes before I buy them a gift.  I don't give them what I would appreciate, but what THEY will appreciate.  You mentioned baby-sitting.  Baby-sitting would be appreciated if it was to help the parents.  I was pressured almost straight after the birth to leave my baby with my MIL.  I believe in attachment parenting, and took my baby everywhere with me.  My MIL was offended at this, and took it as a personal insult, even though no one else was allowed to baby sit my baby either.  Also, the desire to baby-sit was all about fulfilling HER needs, not about helping me or my child.  You mentioned advice giving, in particular about breastfeeding.  My MIL gave copious amounts of unsolicited advice.  No, I didn't value it or listen to it. .  Yes, I listened to MY mother.  Yes I read a lot of books and made an informed decision to breastfeed on demand.  NO, my baby did not have sleep problems.  If you have unrealistic expectations of a baby, then perhaps you would have said that both my babies had sleep problems.  YES, I am aware that you can leave a baby to cry to make them sleep through the night.  However, the reality is that they are not sleeping, they are NOT CRYING, and why is that?  It is because they have learnt that there is no point in crying if they are cold, hungry wet or scared, because their mum doesn't care enough about them to meet their most basic needs.  Like my MIL you seem to have a large ego that makes you think that, because you have been a mother, you know all there is to know about mothering.  My mother bottle-fed her children, but has no problems with me doing things differently.  Why is it that some women are so threatened if their DIL does things differently?  Do you think that to acknowledge that we are good mothers is to say that you were a bad mother?  My MIL, like you, had all the answers regarding my children's allergies.  The doctors and I found the cure, but she disagrees.  At the start, she denied that they had any allergies and told me that they were just upset or tired.  After my son had an attack which swelled his eyes shut, he was diagnosed and given medicine.  At a later date, he started to have an attack, and my MIL tried to physically stop me giving him his medication, because she didn't think that there was anything wrong with him.  Basically, I think you have to realize that the only expert on a particular child is that child's MOTHER.  Every child is different, and bringing up my children does not entitle me to think that I know it all about my DILs children.  PS, you mentioned helping out around the house.  WHAT a NO NO.  My house is my castle, and just as I would never dream of turning up at a person's house and taking over the cooking or cleaning, I am outraged when my MIL walks in as though she owns the place and tries to take over.  If I asked for help, or she offered and I accepted, FINE, that is different.  Otherwise, that is a very patronizing thing to do.  We DIL's are adults, NOT children who have untidy rooms.  We don't want to be MOTHERED, we want to be treated as the adults we are.  I am so like your DIL, I probably am her.  I hope this helps you see things thru your DIL's eyes.  You certainly have described my MIL's feelings on the issue. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 4-AUG-01 While it seems like you are sincerely trying to help your DIL, I can understand why she is annoyed with you from what you have written.  First of all, as a new mom, she is very insecure with her new role as a mother.  Although you may feel that you are offering her advice from your own experiences, she may see it as criticism that she is not doing a good job as a mom.  Maybe, instead of blurting out your "expert" wisdom, you can ask her how things are going.  And if she mentions a problem and asks your opinion, you can then offer some advice.  My MIL LOVES to offer her unwanted advice.  It may be well meaning, but it makes me feel like she is giving me the advice because she thinks I am stupid.  I even get irritated with my OWN mother when she smothers me with unwanted advice.  When I want advice, I will ask for it.  As far as the 1-2 hr feedings, if I am not mistaken, BF babies need to be fed more often than formula babies.  That may be why your DIL feeds the baby so often.  In terms of your DIL seeking her parents' advice over yours, it is just human nature to seek guidance from your own parents, even if you have a good relationship with your MIL.  My father happens to be a pediatrician, and my mother used to be a peds/ob nurse.  When I have children, there is no question about it, I will be seeking baby advice from my parents.  They are, in my opinion, experts in this area out of personal experience and through their careers.  My MIL has no health care background, and often suggests ignorant and dangerous holistic therapies that she reads about in books written by people who are not certified.  There is NO way I am going to seek my MIL's advice.  She brags that she raised two healthy boys, and because of this, she has a self-righteous attitude that she is the goddess of child rearing!  I hate to say it, but her attitude just makes me reject her advice (whether good or bad) even more.  I admit that my MIL's kids turned out great, but she is not the ONLY one who managed to raise great kids.  Also, another thing to think about - you mentioned that you were a divorced, inexperienced mom.  Well, as you see, you raised a fine son.  You learned on your own, through your own mistakes and triumphs, how to be a good mother.  Your DIL needs to do the same.  Offer your advice when asked, otherwise just offer your support.  I can tell that you want a good relationship with your DIL and that you dearly love your new grandchild, but your need to work on your communication skills.  You may be coming off gruff and bossy to your DIL, even though you do not mean it.  When you mentioned the potty training incident, I actually felt bad for your DIL, because once again, you were making her feel inadequate.  I too am afraid of leaving my MIL alone with my future children.  My MIL is sooooo stubborn, and she thinks she is always right.  You know, times have changed.  They have done research on certain topics.  And when I try to enlighten my MIL about stuff like that, she resents it and says I am being silly and making it up.  Well, I myself am a health care professional, and I resent the fact that she writes me off as being "stupid" when I am talking about healthcare topics.  So, I know that if I leave her alone with my child, she will not do as I wish because of her attitude.  That is probably why your DIL is afraid to leave you alone with her baby.  She knows from experience that you have rejected her ideas and values about child rearing.  And that if you have the opportunity, you will do what YOU want to do, ignoring her wishes.  Her feelings are justified.  Just remember that if you hover or push too much, you will cause your DIL to resent you.  Actually, it was wrong of your son to tell you that his wife is jealous of you.  I think he has mistaken her behavior as a nervous new mom with jealousy.  Actually, it kind of sounds like you are jealous of your DIL's parents.  So what if DIL's dad is a doctor????  Do YOU have an MD next to your name???  I too would be more likely to seek advice from a doctor over a person without a healthcare background.  It isn't such a strange idea.  A lot of people seek health advice from their doctor, why shouldn't your DIL seek health advice from her dad (who just happens to be a doctor) for her baby?  Please don't wave the whole "RIGHTS" thing in your DILs face.  That is a sure way for her to resent you even more.  If you continue being so stubborn and smothering, you will continue to grow farther apart from your DIL, your son, and your new grandbaby.  I may have been blunt on this response, but you asked for objective advice.  Please don't take what I said the wrong way, but instead, use it to help better your DIL-MIL relationship.  Best of luck.  I truly hope things work out for you. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 4-AUG-01 My advice, if you want to be able to see your granddaughter, is to stop giving the advice.  Let her come and ask you for advice if she wants it.  It is very normal for a girl to take her mother's advice over her MIL's.  You said yourself, "And when I was young and inexperienced, I turned to my mother for advice."  You turned to your mother, not your MIL.  Yes, you mentioned you were divorced, but I would bet that, had you been married, you would have gone to your mom still!  Personally, I nearly laughed while reading your post.  It just didn't seem like it could be for real.  You potty trained at 5 months??  First of all, WHY??  Isn't toilet training easier when the child can get to the toilet alone?  Why would you train a child who cannot even walk yet?  And not feeding a baby at night?  How old of a baby are we talking about?  Babies need to be fed when they are hungry, not when it is convenient to you.  Just so you know, she was right to ignore your advice.  It was all really wrong.  She must be a really smart girl!  I do not trust my children with my MIL, either.  See, when someone dislikes you so much, you have to worry about what they will fill your child's head with.  Or, you wonder if they hurt the child to get back at you?  That has happened to me with my ILs.  So, no, they do not see my children unsupervised.  So, take my advice and stop giving your DIL your advice until she asks.  And then things should be much more comfortable for you both.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 I think you are being completely irrational.  You are BLAMING your DIL, but you keep using the word "they".  "They" would be your son and his wife, correct?  Your son is a grown man with his own family now.  Your son is not helpless and at his wife's mercy here.  "They" are deciding together what's best for their child.  You see things have changed in the last 30 years when it comes to taking care of babies.  It sounds like you are trying to force your opinions.  Do you really believe that you are treating your DIL with respect?!  You said you treat your DIL as you would your own daughter.  Well, if in saying that you mean that you expect her take every bit of your advice and do what you want her to, let me say this:  YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER.  It is only natural for a woman to go to her own mother for advice.  After all, this is the woman that raised her.  And no, you don't know that she is taking all of her mother's advice.  Yes, there are a lot of good books out there for new parents, written by EXPERTS in the field of medicine and child care.  You need to simmer down and back off.  Stop forcing yourself on your DIL.  Be reasonable and take their needs in their marriage and their own family into consideration.  By the way, it is completely insane to force potty training on a child this young.  THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR BLADDER AND BOWELS AT THIS AGE. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 I think it's unrealistic of you to expect your DIL to, in effect, take sides between you and her mother.  If, when you had your son, your MIL had come in and contradicted everything that your mother said (and probably what your pediatrician said too), would you have listened to her?  I doubt it.  Your DIL is not doing anything wrong in the way that she is raising her baby.  If you want to have a positive relationship with her and with your granddaughter, stop criticizing everything that she does.  What you are doing is not only criticizing her, you are criticizing her mother.  That's wrong. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 Although I have strong feelings about this subject, I'm not going to go into the "grandparent's rights" issues, as I don't have any kids of my own.  Just remember that it was THEIR baby way before being your grandchild.  However, I will comment on your DIL's relationship with her mother.  I have had terrible gynecological health problems over the last year.  And whilst having the most supportive, understanding husband in the world, there have been many occasions when all I wanted was my mother's advice, support and unconditional love - that only a close mum can provide.  Your DIL is obviously very close to her mum too, and has the same outlook.  The last person I would seek the advice from about personal issues is my MIL.  We are not that close.  She doesn't know me personally, know my history, and certainly doesn't know how I'm feeling.  Having had a child, your DIL is naturally turning to her own mother for advice and help.  If I ever had a baby (unlikely), I would do the same.  I don't think you should stir up trouble simply because your DIL has a close, loving relationship with her mother which you can't break into. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 Let's see, you want your DIL to raise her children based on your life experiences.  You tell her what to do and she doesn't do it.  You potty trained your kids early and demand that she does the same.  She took a doctor's advice over yours.  You sound like a pushy old broad trying to compete with everybody.  Every child is different.  Weight gain isn't a competition.  Potty training isn't a competition.  Forcing your DIL to do things your way won't make you the winner.  You said you turned to your mother for child rearing advice.  She is doing the same.  YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER!  Everybody involved has their own life experiences.  They are just as valid as yours.  Stop trying to compete.  Stop trying to treat her as your own daughter.  She's not.  She never will be.  Your DIL doesn't trust you with the baby.  Why should she?  You sound like you are chomping at the bit to get that baby alone and to do things "your way."  Your son and DIL want to have their own experiences.  They don't want to relive yours.  There's no reason why they should.  And, please stop talking about your "RIGHTS".  You have none.  Your access to your granddaughter is whatever the parents decide.  In a few states there are laws to enforce "Grandparent's Rights".  If you live in one of those states, you might have to take your son and DIL to court.  And I believe the best you could hope for are heavily supervised visitations.  Is this what you really want?  My advice is to lighten up and enjoy your granddaughter for what she is, and MYOB. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 You should just accept that fact that your DIL does have a closer relationship to her own mother, and naturally she does take her own mother's advice over yours.  This doesn't mean that your opinion is not valid.  But you shouldn't take it personally.  Also, you may think you are trying to "help", but without knowing it, you may be overbearing and invading your son and his wife's territory on parenthood.  Sure, I bet there are things that they do that you do not agree with.  But, as long as they are not harming the baby, you should let them be parents.  Remember, you had your chance at child-bearing and raising.  This is not your second chance.  This is time for you to be a "grandmother", not a second mother.  And, do not take it personally that your DIL is closer to her mom than she is to you.  I bet your son is closer to his mother (you) than he is to his mother-in-law, and I bet you don't see that being a problem.  It's the same thing.  You may not be a bad MIL, but you may be overbearing or overly controlling in the name of, "I want the best for my son and grandchild".  Your son is grown up, and has his own family, which consist of his wife, and the baby.  Don't consume yourself so much with frustration because your DIL is not listening to what you say.  Respect her boundaries and you get on with your life.  Enjoy being a grandmother, but always know that that is who you are, and let your son and DIL be the parents they want to be.  You will be appreciated more that way. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 It sounds to me like you are a typical MIL.  YOU don't think you are bad, but you resent it that your DIL doesn't take your advice.  Don't you think you DIL's father, who is a DOCTOR, knows just a little bit more than you do?  It is people like you (and my own MIL) that make me sick.  Why do you always have to put your 2 cents worth in?  If you people would just butt out and not give advice unless it is asked for, everyone could live in harmony.  It's always the same thing - the poor MIL thinks SHE is being victimized, when the truth of the matter is that she can't control the situation and can't stand that loss of control.  Well, get used to it, because your son has chosen a wife, and she has 50% control and he has the other 50%.  You are just along for the ride!!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 Um.  There is a reason that the Supreme Court ruled against so-called "grandparent's rights".  THE RIGHTS OF THE PARENTS COME FIRST!!!!!  And your DIL is the PARENT - and MOTHER of her OWN child!!!!  What part of that don't you understand?!  There is no such thing as "grandparent's rights" lady.  And the sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be.  You seem so concerned about forcing your opinion on your DIL that you are oblivious that you are alienating her completely.  You are setting up the patterns for a future relationship with her, which is not going to be good.  If your DIL wants to take advice only from her mother, or from SANTA CLAUS for cripes sake, it is HER prerogative!  My suggestion to you is to let her raise HER child the way she wants.  Be supportive, and you will have a good relationship with her, your son, and your grandchild.  But, if you continue to power trip, you will be left alone.  Take it from me - my own MIL is completely alone after her behavior (which, incidentally, was just like yours).  Now her own son won't have anything to do with her, and she'll never see her grandchildren.  In my opinion, you're a fool if you don't see the light and find some gentleness and acceptance in your heart.  STOP the game-playing, emotional demands, and power-tripping before it's too late!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 Before giving unwanted advice, try picking up a modern book on babies.  Feeding schedules like you suggested, every four hours, have led to failure to thrive in babies (if you don't know what that is, then you shouldn't be giving advice).  Your DIL is right to feed on demand.  Babies should not be given table food before 6 months, if then.  She is right to listen to a doctor's advice over yours.  And potty training a 5 month old infant is ridiculous.  You will have a much better relationship with your DIL, son, and grandbaby if you educate yourself, and learn to only give advice when asked.  It sounds like your DIL is doing a great job with the baby.  Maybe if you spent more time telling her that, instead of telling her what she's doing wrong, she would warm up to you.  Instead of wasting time demonizing people on message boards, go to a book store and read some books on child development -- books written after 1965. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 I hope this is some sort of joke!!!  If you don't realize you are totally out of line, you are giving all of our horror stories about MIL's even more merit. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 I hate to tell you this, but the AAP recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months,  And breastfed babies really do need to be fed on demand, because breastmilk is digested very rapidly.  Nursing a baby every 4 hours will result in a diminished milk supply and a very hungry, possible malnourished baby.  Your DIL probably did read this in a book, probably in several (read anything by Dr. Sears if you want to confirm this).  And she probably heard this as well from her pediatrician.  Her mom is right.  It sounds like you are more interested in "being right" (even when you are not) than having a good relationship with DIL.  Why don't you trust your DIL to take care of her baby the way she sees fit (which is the RIGHT way, unlike yours!).  Just relax and enjoy your grandchild instead of trying to "get your way"? RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 6-AUG-01 I feel for you that you cannot see your granddaughter as often as you like.  Your DIL is being very selfish in that respect.  However, many things have changed in regard to baby care since you have had your son.  It might not be a bad idea for you to do some research on the Internet or get a book about baby care and read it.  Make sure that your son and DIL know that you are doing this research.  It will show that you are very interested in the welfare of your granddaughter.  Solids should be started at about 4 months, as in cereal.  If the baby isn't gaining weight, she might not be getting enough milk.  They don't recommend potty training until after 18 months because it has been found that kids can't control their faculties until then.  I have a 2 year old that is now working on potty training.  They just have to do it at their own pace.  I don't see how you could put a 5 month old on a potty especially since most cannot sit up at that age.  I would love to know how you did it.  The bottom line is your DIL, even if she disagrees with you, should still show you some respect.  She sounds like a little spoiled brat.  Was she this way before the baby too?  I bet she was. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 It sounds to me like you care a lot about your grandchild.  And I have a lot of respect and concern for you in that regard.  But it also sounds like you are being overbearing when it comes to giving your DIL advice about the baby.  By the way, do you aim the advice at your son, too?  After all, he's raising the baby as well.  Your DIL sounds like she is doing her very best to be a good mom.  She sounds conscientious enough to read books and consult doctors (even if it is her father).  She sounds like she is following LOTS of sound guidance which says babies should have breast milk until they are 1 year old, if possible.  Lots of folks also suggest giving the baby milk whenever it wants it.  And lots of folks would suggest against potty training at 5 months (that sounds WAY too early to me).  So it sounds to me like your DIL is being sensible, thoughtful, and nurturing to the baby whom she loves so much.  I might suggest that if you would just back off a bit on giving her advice on child rearing (and doing so will take a conscious, deliberate decision on your part to bite your tongue), then perhaps you'll get to see the baby more often.  When your DIL is more comfortable around you (since you're not offering unsolicited advice all the time), she'll be likely to want to come over.  I also have to say that I think once a week is already quite often to see your grandchild.  I hope that you'll be brave enough to recognize that perhaps it is your own behavior which is driving a wedge between you and your DIL (and, thus, between you and the baby).  And, I hope you'll be strong enough to bite your tongue and let your son and DIL do the good job parenting that she is doing. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 I think you need to do some reading, as I agree with your DIL.  Everything she is doing to raise HER daughter is exactly what is recommended in today's world.  I think, perhaps, you should subscribe to a parenting magazine and get up to date with parenting today!  The methods you are describing are so totally out of date that it isn't even funny.  You probably agree with the, "It worked fine for MY children."  We'll, this is your granddaughter and not your daughter.  And, you'd be better off letting your son and DIL raise their child the way they want to, and get over the jealousy you have over your DIL's parents.  You will be much better off in the long run.  You raised your children, now it is time to BUTT OUT.  Her parents are probably up to date on TODAY's parenting practices, which is why it seems like she is following them.  But she is really just UP TO DATE ON PARENTING.  Do some reading, and get with the program! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 I am totally amazed that your son and his wife haven't cut you out of their lives completely.  It seems like there is some underlying tension in the relationship.  Have you even imagined that maybe your behavior is overbearing?  Why should your DIL listen to you?  And, what in the world makes you think that a child under the age of one year is ready for potty training?  It doesn't matter.  You have raised your children, now it is your son and DIL's turn.  Instead of trying to run other people's lives, why don't you just sit back and enjoy your new grandchild?  It is obvious there is no real communication in your relationship with your DIL.  It is also obvious that you have no respect for your DIL.  Why should she respect you?  You are fighting a losing game, lady.  The distance will only grow with time.  Maybe you're not as smart as you think.  I can't imagine your DIL wanting to share the two men in her life, that she treasures the most, with someone like you.  You are acting like a stupid fool.  Do you think that that grandchild isn't going to be on to you someday too?  What a crying shame you are!!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 You are so much more experienced with babies than she is???  How dare you!!!  That is the meanest thing I have ever heard.  The sad part is that it sounds as if it came from my own MIL's mouth.  Why do you care how often your granddaughter gets fed???  Is it any of your buisiness???  No, it is not!!!!  A grandparent's job is to spoil their grandchildren, not to raise them.  If you need to raise another child, I suggest adoption!!!  She is probably not taking your advice because you are demanding that she raise her child as you raised yours, which was probably about 25 years ago.  And, let me tell you - things have changed.  And, guess what??  They have changed for the better!!!  And, you do feed a breastfed child every two hours.  And, if you were really a caring grandmother, you would know that !!  And, you would also know that breast feeding is better for babies.  Now, it is not for everyone, but it is healthier.  And, as far as grandma goes, I think that should be your main concern.  You are self centered.  Let your DIL be a mother to her child, and poke your big nose in someone else's business.  Oh, and GET A LIFE!!!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 To be honest, I wouldn't take your advice either.  As a mother of two, potty training a child who can't walk yet is about the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  You also sound angry, because she won't do what you say.  She gave birth to this kid, not you.  You raised your child.  Leave her alone to raise hers.  Also, your very strongly stated opinions may, in fact, be the reason she doesn't visit as often as you like.  Although, I have to say, it sounds pretty unfair and unrealistic to expect her to load up the kid to come see you more than once a week, especially if all you're going to do is try to boss and control her. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 First of all, I wanted to say that I do believe that you do want a good relationship with your DIL, and that you have good intentions regarding the care of your granddaughter.  However, actions speak louder than words.  By constantly giving her advice, you are not respecting her decisions as a mother.  Remember, advice is asked for, not expected.  I also need to address some of your comments about nursing, because it is clear that you may not be very knowledgeable on the subject.  I have always breastfed my children, and they were very healthy (never had ear aches, never suffered from constipation, and NEVER had sleep disorders).  Breast milk is digested very quickly, so most breastfed babies nurse every two hours in the beginning.  Breast fed babies are less likely to die of SIDS, because of the need to wake up frequently and nurse.  Eventually of course, they do sleep through the night.  It says a lot about your DIL, (that she is very devoted to this child) because she's sacrificing her own sleep.  Secondly, you need to remember that much has changed in the medical field in the last 20-30 years.  Studies have found that children who eat solids before 4-6 months experience more food allergies.  Breastfeeding for up to six months is preferable.  I assure you that any of the information I've given you is very well documented.  Plus, with your DIL's father being a doctor, he is in a wonderful position to keep up with these things.  In regards to potty training, it's highly unlikely that a child is going to tell you they have to use the potty, take their own pants down, use the potty, and then wipe, all before they've even learned to walk (which is usually between ten to thirteen months).  The bottom line is that these are things that should be left up to the child's parents to decide.  If they do not ask you for your advice, it is NOT wanted.  The biggest compliment you give your DIL is not to question her judgement.  She obviously loves and respects her mother.  That's why she values her opinion.  I have to admit, I would probably not leave my child with a grandparent who always questioned my judgement.  There is no guide for parenting.  All parents learn along the way.  So, remember to not say anything unless you are asked, and enjoy being a grandparent.  After all, it's the parents that have the hard job of getting up in the middle of the night, potty training, changing diapers, and so on. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 "Dies laughing".  OH man.  What a great joke!  Oh you say it's not a joke, this is real?  OOPS.  Hon.  Get off your high horse.  Nuff said. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-AUG-01 Is your keyboard stuck or what?  What's with all the frickin' exclamation points?  Get your fingers off the keyboard already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is really irritating.  So, you're not a bad MIL?  Says who?  Just because you buy expensive gifts for the DIL?  Expensive doesn't necessarily rule out rude, tacky, or useless.  For instance, even a genuine leather-bound book wouldn't go over well if it was entitled "The Lazy Woman's Guide to Housework".  And, I'm sure you NEVER throw your expenditures in the DIL's face for years afterward, or see it as an IOU to be called in later.  Riiiiight?  Likewise, as for your "help" with the cooking - does she ask for this? Or do you just bulldoze your way into the kitchen and start taking over?  Why am I even bothering to ask these questions?  Oh, and let's not forget your "suggestion" (read:  order) that the DIL toilet-train her child by 5 months!  The DIL had the nerve to walk away from you as if you had said something STUPID?  Can't imagine why.  By the way, are you aware that it's very bad manners to boast about how much money you spend?  Wait, of course you aren't because then you'd also know that it's bad manners to give unsolicited, unwanted advice.  Geez lady, take a hint already.  No wonder your poor DIL walks away.  Who wouldn't walk away from a know-it-all whose NATURAL mothering ability is so outstanding that the educated M.D.s should just stand in awe of her and worship at her shrine.  Toilet-training STARTING AT 5 MONTHS?  Anal-retentive is obviously the operative word in your household.  Did you have your children mowing the lawn by the time they were able to walk?  I really, sincerely hope that you are some bored person trying to stir up a hornet's nest for amusement.  But, unfortunately, there are too many real MIL's just like you to automatically assume that.  I suggest that if you want to ever have any relationship with your grandchild, and not be banished forever from your DIL's house, here's a 2-word solution:  BUTT OUT.  Your DIL is raising her child the way she wants.  You already had your chance.  And, frankly, anyone who is so uptight that she must have a child toilet-trained in under a YEAR is not a very good parent because she lacks patience and understanding.  You, my dear, were no doubt the control freak mother who expected children to all shut up and sit down when they were in the house, not make any noise, not laugh too loudly or play games, and not have fun because it disturbed your peace and quiet.  Your house must have been like some museum.  No, make that a mausoleum. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 WHOAH!!!  You need to try to think about some things.  I can imagine how frustrated you must feel, but let me try to shed some light.  FIRST, you are not her mother.  You are her MIL.  The mere fact that your DIL is far closer to her own mother than to you will lead her to accept her mother's advice regarding her own daughter over yours - ESPECIALLY if it conflicts with yours.  And, YES, since you asked, A DOCTOR is usually one to administer good advice, especially if he is your father.  I can understand that, can't you??  You say, "What about MY experience raising MY children?"  Okay, since he is her FATHER and she is her MOTHER, they too obviously have parental experience!  Before I move onto my second point, potty training a 5 month old baby is quite exceptional.  Many children don't even walk until they are 11-13 months, and many pediatricians will tell you that is not the norm, but the exception.  Many children are over 18 months of age before they begin their potty training, and there is NOTHING abnormal about that.  ON this advice alone, I can understand why she might not listen to you.  My second point is that you may be offering advice when you are not asked for it, and that is often annoying to us DILs.  Our mothers can get away with it because they've been doing it all of their lives to us, but when the MIL starts to do it, look out.  I am under the impression when you say that you, "advise her from your heart," that you were giving her advice about this and that long before the baby came along.  This might have something to do with her seeming cold towards you.  Have you ever thought of that?  Also, if this is her first child, lay off a bit and try to understand that she wants to do this her way.  Let her be.  THIRD, this child is not yours and whether you like it or not, you have no rights over this child.  You say you won't let her take your granddaughter away from you, but the fact is - your granddaughter does not BELONG TO YOU!  If you really care, I mean TRULY care, you will only offer advice when asked (you will most likely see that you won't be asked), and give her some space!!  A new mother does not want to be around people who stress her out or make her uncomfortable.  And, surely you can understand what she is going through as a new mother.  As your son suggests, give her time.  If you continue to be bothered by the fact that you cannot offer advice, and that she doesn't heed your unwarranted or warranted advice, my guess is that you are too controlling and you should try to do something about it. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 You are nuts!!  Not a bad MIL?  Are you kidding me?  If you were my MIL, you would NEVER see that baby.  You would never even be told that we had a baby.  You started potty training at FIVE months?  That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and I don't believe that's the truth.  Have you ever actually met a five month old baby?  If you had, I'm sure you'd know that they aren't really trainable at that age.  It's all they can do to learn to sit up at that age, for crying out loud!  Back the hell off and leave your son and DIL alone.  You raised your kids already.  Gee, a woman goes to her OWN mother for advice - how dare she!  You know what?  She's known her own mother a lot longer than she's known you.  And she trusts her.  So get off your high horse.  And I can't believe you are upset because her father, a DOCTOR, prescribed something for the baby.  So you think you're more knowledgeable than a doctor?  Get real!!  That baby is lucky to have a doctor in the family.  Wait until there's a middle of the night emergency, heaven forbid.  That doctor just may be able to save your grandchild's life one day.  Will you then be upset that they didn't come to you with the emergency to benefit from all this experience you have?  You say that your son says he'll be better about having you see the baby and it's not happening?  Well, has it occurred to you that he's probably only saying that to shut you up?  If my MIL sounded like you, my DH wouldn't want her around our baby either, even if you are his mother.  You are crazy.  You probably shouldn't be around anyone's baby. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 Are you the one they refer to as "Queen Bitch of he!!"? RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 I know you want to help, and you have been through this too, but come on.  Some of things you've claimed you did are crazy!  Would you ignore a doctor's advice (if he/she was your father, on top of that)?  I don't think so.  Lady, she is going to do what feels is right for her, and that's the end of the story.  Either accept it or be miserable.  And the way you have been acting would scare me too.  I wouldn't want you around my child, after hearing some of the loopy things you said.  I'm sorry, but you've come to the wrong place for advice.  This is for DIL's and SIL's.  Frankly I don't know who would agree with you. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 You sound so much like my MIL.  And guess what?  We NEVER go see her, and my kids do not even know her!  Why?  Because she is controlling and mean, just like you.  The more you butt in and give unwanted advice, the less you will see your grandchildren.  We had a baby, and MIL never knew we were expecting!  So, keep up the good work.  Soon enough your DIL will be free of any relationship with you.  Oh, what a happy day for her!  As far as your advice on child raising, please read a book or something.  I am really surprised your children lived through having you for a mother, as ignorant as you sound.  A baby needs to eat when he is hungry, not when it's convenient to you to feed him.  Your ideas are just plain ignorant.  And, to be honest, unless you are really stupid, they had to be made up RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 What a horrible shame that all these women just pounced on you.  I understand your side, and I am only a DIL whose MIL does exactly what you have done (AND HORRIBLY MUCH MORE).  BUT, the fact that you came here for advice is a WONDERFUL THING.  It shows that you really care about your relationship with DIL.  I do agree to back off, but nobody should "HATE YOU", and nobody should say such mean things to you.  You want our advice, BOTTOM LINE, not to be reamed for your past actions.  Leave your DIL and son be.  They will come to you when they need advice.  And the quieter you are, the more often that will be.  I know.  I have been there.  Take care and good luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 What bothers me (other than your self serving whining) is your misguided idea that you have any "rights" to that baby.  You do not.  You did not help conceive the baby.  You did not carry the baby.  You did not give birth to it.  You are not it's mother.  You're whining because the baby is not brought over to your house once a week - too bad.  Get over it.  The more you try to interfere with your DIL while she raises the baby (and yes, unsolicited advice is interference), the less you're going to see the baby.  If you were my MIL, you'd be lucky to see the baby once a year. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-AUG-01 Can we try to be objective here?  I think the Bad MIL wanted to help.  Most MILs do not want to intentionally hurt their grandchild or anyone else involved.  However, right away, everyone jumped on the bandwagon that the evil MIL is attempting to dictate and raise the child.  As a result, everything the MIL does and says is perceived as having a hidden agenda.  I agree there are new ideas and new ways of raising babies and that's fine.  Just because the MIL asks a question or offers a suggestion, it doesn't mean she is trying to run your life.  The anger and defensiveness here is unbelievable.  Has it ever occurred to you that MILs really want to help and enjoy their grandchildren?  Why not try giving them the benefit of the doubt. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 9-AUG-01 The first thing you need to do is to try and accept that your grandchild has the RIGHT to be raised by a stress free mother.  It sounds to me like you are putting a lot of stress into her life by having a problem with her doing what is natural (turning to her mother for advice on how to be a mom).  You even admit that you did it.  By nature, a good mom will do what she feels is BEST for her child.  It is not a crime that she not follow your advice.  My MIL used to ram her advice down my throat while she rotated her head and waved her finger (centimeters from my face) at me.  Sometimes she would just snatch my child out of my arms to do something her way before I got a chance to do it (i.e., change a diaper).  Then, she'd snort when I made a choice on how to do something with my child in a way she wouldn't.  You can't imagine how PAINFUL this is to a new mother.  It made me feel so stressed out and miserable that I pulled away from her emotionally and physically, and have never looked back.  Oh, we still see them once or twice a month, but there is a wall between us.  I had to do this to preserve my sanity and my RIGHT to raise my child stress free.  Although she has never said it to me personally, according to my FIL, my MIL goes on and on about what a wonderful job I'm doing as a mother, and how great my children are.  I find this so hard to believe, since she still has a need to be so oppositional whenever I talk about a decision I've made for my children.  And it's not just, "What about this?", or "How about that?"  It's, "If you were smart," or "Oh that's ridiculous!"  At this point, we are contemplating a serious move to another state.  So, you see where all this leads?  A human being wants to feel free, not trapped, smothered, or cornered.  When a MIL does this to their DIL, the DIL will RUN (not walk) and keep running until they feel free again.  Your DIL does not sound horrible to me at all.  Don't you have enough confidence in the way you raised your son to know that he chose an intelligent, mindful woman to be his wife and the mother to his children?  Why don't you try to at least take comfort in that?  And let them handle THEIR lives together so they can be stronger.  Your interference will take its toll on their marriage eventually (if it hasn't already) and that will affect your grandchild too.  Is it really worth all this just to have someone follow your advice?  Think long and hard about the consequences of your behavior.  Take it from a DIL who's been there. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 10-AUG-01 I think everyone else has responded with my thoughts.  So I won't repeat.  However, I didn't see anything said about the Potty Training at 5 months.  How the heck is a baby who doesn't walk supposed to go to the pot at 5 months?  My daughter walked at 10 months, and my son at about 12 months.  I am wondering if you meant 1 year 5 months.  Maybe I would try then.  However, it could take longer depending on the INDIVIDUAL child.  Just my thoughts on the potty training.  Try to be a friend to your DIL, not a teacher.  But remember, that doesn't mean she will change in her response to you.  The damage is done.  It is hard for humans to forgive and forget. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 10-AUG-01 I think everyone else has responded with my thoughts.  So I won't will change in her response to you.  The damage is done.  It is hard for humans to forgive and forget. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 10-AUG-01 Oh, I feel soooooo badly for you!  Ha,Ha!!!  Just listen to yourself.  You are so full of yourself, like my MIL.  All you want to do is help.  Yeah, sure.  All you want is control over your DIL like you have over your son.  Maybe if you stop talking about your DIL behind her back to your son, and talk to her, then you can become friends.  You see, you are basically a stranger to your DIL, and people do not take advice from strangers.  I am sure if you had someone constantly telling you what to do when you were raising your son, you would feel the same way.  It sounds like you do not respect your DIL enough to let her raise her daughter as she sees fit.  And so what if she makes mistakes and does not take your advice.  She has every right not to.  Did you ever think that maybe your DIL does not want to see her as often because of this.  My advice to you is to become friends with your DIL and keep your mouth shut when it comes to raising HER daughter. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 10-AUG-01 There is no way on this planet that the poster of this story is for real.  Your blatantly absurd remarks make it clear that you have NEVER parented a child.  A FIVE month old beginning to potty train?  PLEASE!  A five month old can barely hold it's head up on its own, and infants only begin to sit up at 6 months.  It is the rare child who can sit unassisted before this time.  So, if by some small chance you really ARE someone's MIL, then your lack of common sense makes it clear as to why your DIL doesn't listen to you.  A baby doesn't need to be fed during the night, eh?  "Common sense" would tell a mentally stable individual that if she did not feed her child when hungry, it would continue to scream.  If a baby is SCREAMING at the top of it's lungs all night long, a neighbor is bound to call "the authorities".  Neglecting your child, or starving it (whichever term you prefer) tends to be the basis to have it removed from it's home and placed in a foster home.  Let's get serious here for one minute.  Have any of you ladies, in all of the UNWANTED advice that you have gotten from your MIL's, heard of anything this EXTREME?  I think the poster of this story is some type of sociopath looking to get some attention by revving up a bunch of DILs.  I could be wrong, but this poster was intentionally trying to ruffle feathers.  It is sooooooo obvious.  What sickness!!!!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 11-AUG-01 This is for the respondent who called the DIL a "spoiled brat".  Lady, I'm sorry, but nobody is required to have respect for other people's possibly dangerous advice.  And "you feel" for the poor old MIL because she doesn't get to see baby more than once a week - give me a break.  The parents need to spend some time with the baby too.  It is THEIR baby.  I think it's incredibly unselfish of the DIL to take the baby over to MILs house as often as she does.  This MIL needs to get off her "poor me" trip and acquire a life of her own.  Right now, she's the one sounding like a "spoiled brat". RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 12-AUG-01 You are SO LUCKY that I'm not your DIL.  I would have told you to BITE THE BIG ONE a long time ago!  It's really none of your concern to dish out outdated, dangerous advice, regardless of who you are.  I hope that you sit down and read all of the responses to your story and think very carefully about your next step.  If I were you, I'd try to read up on raising babies in THIS CENTURY.  And try to support your son and DIL or you're headed for a long, lonely future. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 13-AUG-01 I will pretend that my MIL has said all of the things that you wrote, and I will give the responses I would give to my own MIL if she ever took up the nerve to say these things that you've said.  Maybe this will help you understand WHY your DIL doesn't pay attention to you.  First of all, you complain about your rights, saying that you will use those rights to have contact with the child.  My response would be, "What rights?"  There are only two people who have any sort of rights and they are the baby's mother and father.  You are not the mother.  You are just a grandmother - no more or less important than the baby's aunt, uncle, or cousin.  No one is going to tell me that they have "rights" to MY child.  I decide what's best for my child, along with my husband.  You had your child(ren) already.  You won't be raising mine.  Second, you complain that she won't listen to you.  I would respond, If I want your advice, I will ASK for it.  For you to get upset because I asked my own mother for advice and didn't take yours is ridiculous and petty.  I noticed that you say things like, "I tell her this and she doesn't listen."  Well, that is because you are TELLING her - she does not need or want to be told what to do.  She is an adult, and you are not treating her that way.  Next, you say that her father, whom you state several times is a doctor, "took it upon himself" to prescribe allergy medicine for the baby.  And you complain that they listen to "the doctor" over you.  But at the end of your story, you also complain that your DIL won't leave the baby with you because she's afraid you might feed her something she's allergic to, and you state quite emphatically, "like I want to harm my own granddaughter!!!!!!"  My response to that one is that you should quit complaining about your DIL's father being a doctor and "taking it upon himself" to prescribe medicine for the child.  He's not going to do anything to harm HIS granddaughter either!  Furthermore, he's a doctor, you're not.  Next, you say that you "feel like I have no right to voice my opinion."   Well, you do have the right to voice your opinion - when you are ASKED for it.  Most people don't like having random opinions forced on them, especially when others are voicing opinions about such private matters as one's marriage or one's children.  Wait until you are asked.  I only know that if my MIL, my mother, or anyone else got into the kind of things you're complaining about, they would take a much smaller part in my child's life.  If it didn't stop, they'd be OUT of our lives.  My advice to you is that you better be really careful and stop with all the opinions and advice.  And, get over your jealousy of her parents or you might lose your granddaughter in the end.  This baby is not yours.  And raising it is not your job.  You need to leave your son and DIL alone in this.  They will be fine.  They will learn, they will make mistakes, and they will have successes, just like every other couple who bring a new baby into their lives.  Oh, and by the way, I must add that you are extremely lucky that you do not have me for a DIL. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 13-AUG-01 Now that you have seen the many responses to your story, I am curious to see what you think.  It seems the majority of respondents feel that you need to back off and quit overstepping your boundaries.  How do you feel about the situation now?  Has any of this advice made you see things differently regarding your DIL?  Please let us know what you think.  Thank you. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 13-AUG-01 To the Aug. 6 poster who responded, "Your DIL is being very selfish," and "(DIL) sounds like a little spoiled brat."  How beatific of you.  Aren't you just the rosy, supportive SIL?  The DIL has already received more advice than she wanted from this MIL.  So you tell this MIL to, "Make sure that your son and DIL know that you are doing this research"?!  This sounds like throwing gasoline on forest fires.  Get it already, lady - The MIL has clearly offered TOO MUCH advice and is too overbearing.  She's lucky her DIL has been as gracious as she has been.  You sound like a great adviser to an MIL dictator. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 13-AUG-01 You have to be kidding.  This can't be a real situation?  If by chance you are a real person asking advice, this is what I would say:  Don't expect a visit more than once a month.  Keep your opinions to yourself, they're unwanted.  You have no rights whatsoever to someone else's child.  Get real. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 13-AUG-01 Do you hear the way you sound?  I sat here in shock reading your story!  You are jealous of the fact that your DIL is taking the advice of her parents and not yours.  What do you mean that her father "took it upon himself" to prescribe something for the baby's allergies?  Of course he "took it upon himself" - he is a DOCTOR!  You are not.  So what's the problem.  Doctor visits and prescriptions are expensive!  What is wrong with going to your own father who's a doctor?  He's not going to give the baby something that will hurt her, for crying out loud!  You are just jealous that your DIL didn't come to you.  Just because you raised a child doesn't make you an expert.  My own MIL is a good one for that - she LOVES to throw around the fact that she has had 3 kids.  Therefore, she "knows all about it".  Yeah right - if she was really as good a mom as she thinks, she wouldn't have put 20+ years of hard work into poisoning my DH and his sibs against their father.  THAT is not being a good mother, despite what she thinks.  And your DIL is probably not interested in how you raised your kid(s).  She has her own way of doing it, so let her be.  By the way, you also complained that she took her own mother's advice over yours.  Well, what's wrong with that?  That IS her mother!  She's probably a lot more comfortable going to her mother than to you.  So, once again, let her be.  Personally, I wouldn't be taking the advice of someone who tells me they potty trained their child beginning at FIVE months, either!  That is the strangest thing I've ever heard.  And, honestly, I do not believe you about that.  A five month old baby is almost able to begin sitting up by itself, and you're telling us that you started potty training at that age?!  I will tell you this, if my MIL were all over me, getting mad because I took my own mom's advice over hers, and all this other stuff, she would no longer be allowed around me or my child.  You complain that because you are the grandmother, you have rights to the child.  WRONG.  You don't automatically have rights.  Boy, if my MIL started complaining about her "rights" to my child, I'd tell her the same thing.  If you expect to be in this baby's life, you have to earn it.  Your DIL and son have no obligation whatsoever to have you in the child's life if they don't want to.  My DH and I had a discussion recently about this whole "grandparents' rights" things.  It doesn't exist.  A grandparent is no more or less important than an aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.  You're the same as any other family member.  And your DIL, as the mother, has a lot more control over her child than YOU would like her to have.  So if you want to be in this baby's life, get over yourself and back off.  Stop throwing around your experience, because I will guarantee almost 100% that she doesn't really want to hear it.  Your way is not necessarily the best way.  She needs to raise this baby according to what she and her husband believe, not the way YOU think she should raise it.  I think that if you continue to act this way, you will see less and less of that child - until finally, the visits come to an end.  Your DIL is not going to put up with this from you forever.  I know I sure as heck wouldn't. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 I responded two days ago, and I believe it's been lost in the shuffle.  It is understandable due to all the responses you've received (all of which told you, in a nut shell, that you need to back off).  I agree.  It is their child, let THEM raise it.  I don't feel that raising a child qualifies ANYONE as an expert in the area.  My DH and I have friends who had a baby last year, and they continually make horrible decisions for this poor baby.  And we say nothing, because it's not our kid, and NOT our business.  And potty training at FIVE months?!?!  That is ridiculous!  I've never heard of such a thing, and I'm inclined not to even believe you!  Five month old babies are just beginning to learn to sit up by themselves, and you're saying you began potty training?  You have to be nuts.  Most babies are beginning to pull themselves up and learn to walk at 11 months going on a year.  And you're telling me your child was fully trained at 11 months?  To me, full trained means the child can get up and go to their toddler potty all by themselves.  You're telling us that an 11 month old baby was able to recognize the urge to use the bathroom, get up, walk to find it's toddler potty, and use it unassisted?  And you should not be jealous that your DIL takes her own mother's advice.  She's known her mother her entire life, and is going to trust her and feel much more comfortable asking advice from her than from you or anyone else.  It sounds to me that you're just angry, because she won't let you tell her how to care for her child.  You just need to realize that it's not your place to tell her such things.  It's obvious that you persist in giving her your advice, but she obviously does not want it.  I will tell you that if you were my MIL, I would be really put off by your advice.  And I'd be MORE put off by the fact that you couldn't handle the fact that I chose not to accept it and persisted in telling me how to raise my child.  If I were in this situation, I'd get to a point where I didn't want you around me OR my child.  My DH and I just had a discussion the other day about "grandparents' rights" and I'm very happy that we both agree that the whole thing is stupid.  Grandparents are just family members, like any other aunt or uncle or sister or brother.  Your job is to love the child, not demand that he or she be raised YOUR way.  You're not the mother.  If my mother or my MIL ever told me that because she was the grandmother, it gave her "rights to the child" (as you say).  I would tell them the exact same thing.  You have NO "rights" to the child because it's not yours.  If you persist in this with your DIL, you may lose whatever visiting you already have with the child (you would if you were my MIL), and you may lose your son and DIL as well.  So take our advice here and back off. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 I still haven't seen my response.  It was a tasteful response.  Can you please post it?  I think it would be helpful.  Thanks! Editor's Note: Your response was posted August 6.  To all who had to wait, or are currently waiting, our apologies for the delay.  We were overwhelmed with the volume of responses, and are catching up as fast as we can.  We are hopeful to be back on track very soon. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 After reading all the responses, which most I can agree with, there are a couple of things I can suggest:  I recommend you take a class on grandparenting.  Many hospitals now are offering this class to new grandparents.  These classes focus on the issues you brought up in your post, such as cultivating your relationship with son and DIL, breastfeeding, potty training, etc.  I also suggest you get some private counseling with either a spiritual advisor or mental health professional.  I think some of the issues you have sound like the beginnings of some control issues downstream.  If you do this, it will be a BIG step toward having a healthier relationship with your son and DIL.  Control issues are a lose-lose proposition.  If you push any harder on your son and DIL, you stand the risk of not being a part of your granddaughter's life. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 Honestly, from your story you don't sound like a "bad MIL".  You sound like a HORRIBLE MIL!  You have all of the typical traits that make for a terrible MIL/DIL relationship.  Stop your so-called "caring" (i.e. controlling) so much, and back off.  Trust me, your son and DIL will appreciate it.  And you might actually have a chance at a decent relationship with them. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 I'd like to know where is the original poster is.  I'd like to hear your response to all of the advice given here.  That's what you asked for, isn't it?  Please, honor us with your presence here again.  I'd like to hear what you have to say now.  Double-dog dare ya!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 You've gotten a lot of good advice (and some nasty slams), so I will just list the points here:  1)  Young babies should always be fed on demand, no matter how often that is.  The four hour schedule is dangerous to babies.  Breastfed babies need to eat every two hours because that is how long it takes to digest breast milk.  2)  Natural cures vs. medical cures is a choice.  Neither way is necessarily right or wrong.  3)  No baby has ever been malnourished from exclusive breastfeeding.  If the doctor is not concerned, there is no problem.  As for solid foods, this would have happened anyway.  And it had little or nothing to do with you.  A four hour schedule that you had suggested would have caused an even smaller baby.  4)  They do not visit you because you don't have enough will power to keep your mouth shut until asked for advice.  This is not even a MIL thing.  This goes for any person who just has to be "helpful".  5)  If she is nervous around you and you want to change that, you have to support her decisions 100% (and never argue about it).  She is the mother.  She is right and you are not.  You don't have to like it - you do have to accept it.  6)  No one should even attempt potty training until the child can walk well by themselves (and the child shows interest).  Parenting is supposed to be about the best interests of the child, not the convenience to the parents.  7)  If she walks away when you say something she does not believe, she is being smart.  It is better to walk away than to say the mean things she is thinking about you.  She is being respectful.  8)  You said, "And when I was young and inexperienced, I turned to my mother for an advice."  This is as she is doing to her mother.  No problem there.  9)  Your experience may be longer than hers, but not better.  The parenting ways of your generation are no longer used, and for good reason.  10)  Your RIGHTS as a grandparent are only to love, play, hug, kiss, hold, and possibly spoil with sweets and presents.  11)  If you want to know your grandchild, defer to her mother for she is now the center of the family.  If you really want things to be better, stop offering unasked for, un-researched advice.  But the bottom line is that she is the mother and you are not.  And what she says regarding her child is law. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 14-AUG-01 Darling, you're delusional if you don't think you're a bad MIL.  How about some looking inward, some serious self-analysis?  You're in dire need of it. J J J J J J RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 15-AUG-01 I hope everyone who has responded to this story has gotten some therapy out of telling a MIL how they really feel.  I'm sure none of these posts have changed her mind one little bit. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 16-AUG-01 This is in response to some of the MILs who have posted in defense of "Not A Bad MIL".  I admit, she does need someone to defend her.  The more and more I hear a dysfunctional MIL's point of view, I realize that DILs must do all they can to protect their family.  MILs, you already raised your dysfunctional family.  It is now our turn to use your mistakes wisely and make a better life for our husbands and children.  This is for the MIL who said, "Can we try to be objective here?"  You said that just because a MIL is offering suggestions, it doesn't mean she is trying to run a DIL's life.  "Not A Bad MIL" is extremely upset because the DIL does not follow her advice.  She is not simply offering suggestions and going on with her life when the advice is not taken.  Someone once told me that anyone who will not take "no" for an answer is trying to control you, or as you put it, "run your life".  Also, you stated that the anger and defensiveness towards "Not A Bad MIL" is unbelievable.  This is true and "Not A Bad MIL" seems to have a lot of the same anger and defensiveness.  Not A Bad MIL's anger is from not being able to control her DIL and son, and the DILs who post are angry about trying to be controlled.  Sadly, we DILs do have a lot of anger and defensiveness because MILs do not listen to us when we say "no" to their advice.  MILs do not hear the word "no" because they want their own way.  MILs cause unnecessary stress, anger, and consequently hurt and pain in our lives, and their adult children's lives.  If they spent more time living a life of their own and not trying to live through their children's lives, none of us would be posting here, would we?  Finally, I agree that most MILs would never intentionally hurt their grandchild (I don't agree that they would never intentionally hurt anyone else involved).  However, the road to he!! is paved with good intentions, isn't it?  This is for the MIL who said that the DIL is being selfish for not allowing the grandmother to see the child as much as she wishes.  This family does have a life to live.  Their world does not revolve around MIL.  MIL needs to be grateful for what time she does get to spend with the granddaughter, and stop throwing a temper tantrum over what she doesn't get.  People are so selfish today, and nothing is ever good enough.  They never say thank you for the time that is sacrificed for them, and they only know how to whine about the time they don't get.  MILs then wonder why they are pushed away from the family - Duhh!  Also, you said a DIL should show MIL respect even if she disagrees with the advice.  Why does being a MIL give you a badge saying, "Respect me at all times"?  Respect is given from those who respect you.  This MIL shows no respect for her DIL, so why should she show any respect towards her?  Finally, the most ridiculous statement you made was that this DIL is a spoiled brat.  Please explain why she is a spoiled brat.  Is it because she won't let MIL have her way?  Waa-Waa!  Anyone with half a brain can identify the spoiled brat in this situation.  Just because you MILs are old, doesn't mean you can't throw a temper tantrum or two.  I've seen many from my own MIL.  MILs, keep posting.  You make me feel better with every word you write.  You really are selfish, controlling, evil women with pathetic, boring lives.  P.S.  This is for "Can we try to be objective here?"  I think I can speak for most DILs here when I say that we DID give you MILs the "benefit of the doubt".  It was the worst mistake we made.  You MILs are just upset because your "it was meant in the most innocent manner" line doesn't work anymore, does it? RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 16-AUG-01 I have noticed a number of responses criticizing those of us who pounced on this "poor" woman who was only looking for advice so she could get along better with her DIL.  Well, I was one of those meanies, and there's an obvious reason for it.  This woman doesn't really want to get along with her DIL.  The fact that she's constantly berating the DIL for not following her advice is one big clue that it's CONTROL OVER HER GRANDCHILD she's after, not a cordial relationship with the DIL.  Secondly, her jealousy oozes off the web page.  She's actually OFFENDED that the DIL took advice from her parents, one of whom is a doctor.  This is right after the MIL states that SHE HERSELF took advice from her own mother!  Again, control issues.  MIL wants to be the SOLE ADVISOR on raising children.  Third, if MIL really wanted to be helpful, she would have gotten her nose out of the dusty old 1960's books that SHE USED, and really made an effort to see exactly what kind of progress has been made in child development.  Instead, she chose to be rigid, condescending, and bossy with her DIL.  And she can't understand why her DIL walks away from her dumb advice.  BTW, I have yet to see a child care book from ANY TIME that advises potty training at 5 months (when some babies can't even sit up straight without support, much less walk)!  Is this woman nuts, or what?  I was the one who theorized that she was anal retentive.  I suppose that was "pouncing", but how can you not respond to something so outrageous (especially with the self-righteous tone that pervades this author's post)?  Last of all, this MIL starts with the "grandparents rights" gambit, and makes it sound as if she's threatening to TAKE THEM TO COURT over the fact that she spends a paltry ONE DAY A WEEK with her grandchild!  Good God, talk about self-centered and possessive!  First off, if this lady is actually dumb enough to try alienating the DIL even more JUST TO GET HER OWN WAY, she deserves whatever she gets.  She'll find out soon enough that she'll be laughed out of the courthouse and subsequently banned from her current, GENEROUS, one-day-a-week with her grandchild.  In fact, she'll be lucky to see the baby once a year if she's actually bullheaded and stupid enough to persist with this controlling behavior.  How anyone can read this MIL's post and think that she's genuinely trying for a better relationship with her DIL is a mystery to me.  She has done nothing but show how very little she cares about anyone's feelings but her own.  On top of that, she whines to her son that once a week isn't sufficient time with the baby.  Doesn't this stupid woman realize that the PARENTS also need free time to bond with the baby without traffic (and in some cases, unsolicited advice) from constant visitors?  The reason a lot of people "pounced" is because she comes off as a jealous, selfish witch who wants to take her grandchild away from the mother and take over the role of "mommy".  This woman doesn't want advice; she just wants people to pity her, because she's "only trying to help".  That tells me right there that the son or DIL has already battled with her on this issue, and she needs to justify her actions.  She can whine about her tough life till the next decade, but that doesn't mean I have to sympathize. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 16-AUG-01 To the Aug. 8th poster who starts with "Can we try to be objective here?"  You've spoken like a true MIL.  Give me a break!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 17-AUG-01 It seems to me that if you really care about improving your relationship with your DIL, you will stop interfering.  I think the best first step would be to acknowledge past blunders and ask her what SHE needs from you.  Your opinions may not be wanted, but your love for the child probably will be.  Remember, though, that if your goal is to have a healthy, loving relationship with the child, you must cultivate a healthy, respectful relationship with the mother/DIL. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 18-AUG-01 I know of a MIL/DIL relationship that works, because I've been a part of it.  My MIL and FIL are a happily married couple.  Their lives are full with careers, travel, and friends.  Mixed in with that, they keep in touch with us.  They tell us about their lives and we in turn, tell them about ours.  Every now and then, they will ask if we want to get together.  We check for a convenient time (for all of us) and meet somewhere fun (like a park or at the beach that is agreed to by all).  The wonderful part is that we meet as two couples - not "parents" and "children".  Recently, I had my first child.  My in-laws came before I went into labor to visit and make sure I had everything I wanted and I needed.  From the hospital, my DH and I called them and they said, "Do you need anything?"  We said, "No."  "OK," they said, "Call us when you are settled and have time for us to visit.  And let us know then if we can bring anything."  When we called them a MONTH later, they happily came to visit.  No guilt.  They listened to all the baby stories and answered any questions we asked.  At one point, I asked my MIL, "Aren't you dying to give me ANY advice?"  She said, "No way.  This baby is yours to discover.  You can't do things the way I did it.  You're not me!  You have to do what feels right for you."  My MIL makes it very easy for me to talk with her because she doesn't treat me like a "daughter" (little kid).  She treats me like a woman - a friend.  We see them every couple of months.  We call them to get together more than they call us!  Maybe that is the secret.  They have a happy marriage and a full life with each other.  We (as they always say) are the, "icing on top of their cake."  I hope my DH and I are like that when our son grows up.  MIL - your advice is not needed unless it is ASKED for.  You DO act like you are jealous of your DIL's relationship with her mother.  You raised your child.  That part of your life is over.  Get on with it.  Don't you have any hobbies?  Friends?  Don't be so consumed with their lives.  Make one for yourself, and have them be only a part of it.  Be a part of their lives when you are INVITED TO BE.  Don't treat her like a "daughter", she already has a mother.  And I have to agree with some of the other responses, in that some of what you did with your child would make me not trust you with mine either RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 19-AUG-01 I'd really like to hear from the MIL that wrote the original post.  I'm curious about what she is thinking.  I'd also like to know what her response is to all the advice she has received here.  After all, she did actually ask for the advice, unlike her DIL.  I'd really like to hear her point of view on all of this.  So if at all possible, could you please respond to all of the people who have taken the time to give you advice?  Also, I would like to know if things have gotten better or worse with your DIL.  Also, I would like you to consider that your son is involved in that family too.  Your DIL isn't responsible for everything that takes place.  My MIL blames me for everything, and it is usually her son (my DH ) that doesn't want to be around her.  He dislikes her because she treats me badly.  It turns into a never ending circle of ignorance.  Anyway, if you are out there, I'd love to hear from you again.  Maybe you can help us understand our own MILs.  Mine is also like you.  She is very needy.  She needs to be needed.  She tries to control us.  She does everything she can to attempt to make everything about her.  She has only pushed my DH away from her.  I still try to understand her.  DH says it's hopeless, but maybe you can help me. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 20-AUG-01 EVERYONE: I think we have all been taken for a ride by someone who wanted to get their kicks at our expense.  I too was fooled and responded, but now I feel certain that we have all been HAD.  If this MIL is REAL, she would not have been able to stop herself from responding and defending herself.  Remember Wendy??  She defended herself at least 3 times in response to our replies.  Where are the POSTER'S responses??  More than 72 replies, and she is nowhere to be seen.  To the sick #$%@*# who put us all through this, I have only this to say:  I am very sorry that your life is sooo boring that you have to resort to this kind of cr@p. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 20-AUG-01 I am not going to pounce on you, because I think the string of responses have given you enough of a beating.  Could you consider the following?  Read contemporary parenting and grandparenting books.  Dr. Ruth Westheimer (yes the famous "Dr. Ruth") has a thoughtful and sensitive grandparenting book out (Grandparenthood).  I read it, and she tries to put the contemporary grandparenting relationship in perspective.  Also, there are classes on grand parenting.  Check with your local hospital or women's clinic to see about such classes.  And you will learn that many of the posts are true (about breastfeeding, potty training, etc).  If you are still upset about cultivating your relationship with your son and DIL, I strongly suggest you consult a mental health professional and/or spiritual advisor.  Because conflict between parent and adult child heightens when new children arrive, both parent and adult child (now a parent) are trying to work in these new roles.  Obviously, this is not going well at all for you and your family.  Nip this problem in the bud before the child is older.  I wish you luck. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 22-AUG-01 For God's sake, why do people insist on keeping this story alive?  I'd be willing to bet a lot that the original poster only submitted this story to make a lot of people angry and get attention.  Everyone is only feeding her ego and overloading the people who run this site.  She's probably the same person who goes by "Clara", "Mildred" or "Wendy" on the message boards.  I'm sure she checks in every day and laughs about all the trouble she is causing.  Give it a rest already!!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 23-AUG-01 To the last respondent (August 15):  Yes, you're probably right.  This MIL will probably not ever change.  It's always those who are the most need of soul-searching, introspection, or a good mental home who show the most resistance to truth.  But, if we can change the narrow mind of just one MIL, then we've hopefully helped eliminate the torment of some poor DIL out there.  That's worth trying for.  If only someone had done that for us. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 25-AUG-01 In response to the Aug. 16th poster who addresses the "Can we be objective" poster, and also discusses why many of us "pounced" on Not A Bad MIL - I agree 100%.  This poster makes many valid points on WHY this MIL deserved the "pounces".  She really did, and I think that she should realize this:  We pounced because we are all dealing with many of the same issues with our own MILs.  And her own DIL just may very well feel this way also, but is just not saying it.  As I wrote my own responses, I thought maybe this MIL will see all these responses she got and take the hint that maybe her own DIL feels the same way, and is bothered by all her pressure and criticism.  And, maybe, just MAYBE, Not A Bad MIL would realize that she truly does need to back off with all the advice and get over her jealousy of DIL and her parents.  One other thing - Not A Bad MIL states that she sees the baby "less than once a week".  So what is that - every week and half to two weeks that she sees the baby?  Well, news-flash for her, she's LUCKY for that.  My DH and I see our parents less often than that!  A lot of people see their parents less often than that!  People have lives, plain and simple.  Why should any of us put ourselves on a weekly schedule because someone ELSE is upset about not seeing us often enough?  My MIL complains about DH not coming over much, yet she never bothers to call up and say, "Hey, why don't you guys come over for dinner," or anything.  She waits for him to come to her, which he doesn't do nearly as often as SHE would like.  But SHE certainly doesn't do anything about inviting him, or us, over.  She would respond to that by saying, "MY SON doesn't need an invitation!"  We have lives, and we can't plan them around everyone else. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 7-SEP-01 Your post said: "I think that I, myself, do everything to have a good relationship with my DIL.  I buy her expensive gifts.  I help them out when they need someone to baby-sit.  I help my DIL with cooking and cleaning when I come over.  However, I don't think that my DIL appreciates anything that I do.  I don't believe she respects me, or cares enough about my feelings."  My response:  Expensive gifts don't buy love.  Show her some respect, and perhaps she'll show you respect in return.  Ask your DIL if she would like your help cooking and cleaning when you come over; don't just jump in and start doing it.  She may consider her home her sanctuary, and might not like you jumping in and doing things around her house.  If you ask prior to getting into things, and offer advice only when she asks, you will probably earn a great deal more respect.  You wrote:  "The problem started with the birth of my granddaughter.  Naturally, I wanted nothing but to help her out.  I wanted to give her the best advice that was coming straight from the heart.  However, she NEVER LISTENED TO ANYTHING I SAID!!!!!  She only listened to her mother!!!!!!!"  My response:  She has known her mother her whole life and most likely trusts her implicitly.  Perhaps your DIL agrees with her mother's child rearing philosophies, and doesn't necessarily agree with yours.  This doesn't mean she has no respect for you, it just means she has a different way she feels is right when it comes to raising her child.  It's best to offer advice only when it's requested.  I realize you had the best of intentions, but realize that when you offer advice, no one is required to follow it.  Don't become personally offended if she doesn't follow the advice you offer.  It's her child, it's her decision on how to raise her.  You wrote:  "Her mother told her to nurse her baby "on demand", which turned out to be every 1.5-2 hours.  She did that, and it compromised the sleep of the baby and resulted in a sleeping disorder that the baby had later on."  My response:  The American Academy of Pediatricians recommends nursing infants on demand, rather than setting schedules.  Setting strict schedules can lead to infant dehydration, failure to thrive, slow weight gain, and malnutrition, among other things.  Breastmilk digests much more quickly than artificial milk substitutes.  This means a newborn will be nursing approximately every 1.5-2 hours.  It's highly unlikely that the on-demand nursing led to a sleep disorder.  If there is a sleep disorder (which you did not specify), it possibly came about as a result of a physical condition, not on-demand nursing.  You wrote:  "But she did not care when I explained to her that the babies need schedules, they need to be fed every four hours, and they do not need to be fed during the night.  She said that she read it in a book.  However, I KNOW THAT IT CAME FROM HER MOTHER!!!!!"  My response:  There might be a few babies who do well on schedules, but nursing a newborn on a four-hour schedule is erroneous and can be harmful.  Breast milk digests in about two hours.  This is why breastfed babies nurse about every two hours; their stomachs empty in about two hours.  Newborns are growing at an incredible rate - they burn calories at a high rate as well, and need to be nursed on demand (or at no more than two-hour intervals in order to get proper nutrition and hydration).  Check this out with the AAP.  Infant's nutritional needs do not stop during the night.  It's natural for new mothers to be exhausted while nursing newborns.  Newborns, almost as a rule, are not going to sleep straight through the night.  This is a given.  Newborns must nurse at night to get adequate nutrition and fluids.  Perhaps, in your generation, it was expected that babies would sleep straight through the night, but we now know that this is an unreasonable expectation, and that nursing babies' needs cannot be put on hold at night.  Understand this, and you'll gain a better understanding of the baby's needs.  You wrote:  "Her father is a doctor, and he took it upon himself to write a prescription for some medicine for the baby to relive her allergies.  I offered a more natural approach that worked well for my own child!!!!  However, they completely disregarded my opinion.  They went on with what her father said because he is a DOCTOR!!!!  So what???  What about my own experience???"  My response:  It's highly unlikely her father would have prescribed anything he felt would be bad for his grandchild.  Perhaps your DIL felt the medication was a better option than the natural remedy.  It's her child, so it's her responsibility and her decision as to how to handle the baby's allergies.  As I said, don't take it personally if her child-rearing methods differ from your own.  Your own experience raising children cannot compare to hers.  She may be a new mother, but she has her own ideas on how to raise her child.  Your raised your children, now it is time for her to raise her own.  Your own experience, while valuable, should not be foisted on your DIL.  You wrote:  "The baby was not gaining weight at all.  She looked so skinny, but my DIL insisted on "exclusive breastfeeding" till about 6 months because HER MOTHER SAID so!!!!!  She said that doctors were not concerned about her weight, and seemed very irritated when I raised that subject.  Finally, they decided to start her on solids, but they never acknowledged that I was right."  My response:  Breastfed babies tend to be thinner than babies on a diet of artificial milk.  Perhaps in your generation the perception was that a chubby baby is a healthy baby, but this is not necessarily so.  If her pediatrician wasn't concerned about her weight, then perhaps it doesn't need to be worried about so.  DIL was most likely irritated when you brought up this subject, because she may have perceived you were "trashing" her parenting by being so overly concerned about her baby's weight.  If your concern is the baby and not "being right", then let it go.  Starting her on solids doesn't necessarily mean you were "right all along" - it likely means the baby is ready for solids, but wasn't at that earlier date.  You wrote:  "They visit her parents all the time, but they rarely visit us (less than once a week).  I miss this baby terribly, but I feel like I have no right to voice my opinion.  The most painful thing is that my DIL does not trust me with her baby.  She says she is afraid I will feed her something that she is allergic to (like I want to harm my own granddaughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).  When I confront my son, he says to me that my DIL is very jealous, and I need to give her some time.  He always makes promises to bring the baby to our place over the weekends, but he rarely keeps those promises."  My response:  Perhaps DIL does not trust you because, based on past experience, she does not feel she can trust you.  You have expressed strong opinions on child rearing that she does not agree with, and, likely, she does not feel you would abide by her wishes if she left the child with you alone.  Many women do not leave their children with their in-laws, because many grandparents feel that, since they have already raised children, they feel they know better, and will do what they like rather than what the parents have specified.  Bottom line, these are their children, not yours.  And if you show them the respect they deserve as parents, and respect their wishes, you may find that they respect you and trust you more.  You wrote:  " I started potty training my own baby when he was 5 months old, and he was completely trained by 11 months.  When I tell my DIL to start potty training her 9 month baby, she walks away like what I say is completely stupid."  My response:  Forgive me, but I must say that perhaps you might be exaggerating a bit on this.  A five month old infant does not have the physical capability or motor skills to crawl, let alone walk or hold themselves up on a toilet or child potty.  Nine months is early to begin walking.  So, even if your children were walking at nine months, they would not have the physical capability to hold themselves up on a potty or be able to exercise physical control to hold in their waste or urine until they got to a toilet.  Perhaps the knowledge that this is highly unlikely is what is irritating your DIL, and this is why she is not taking the potty-training comments seriously.  Age 2 1/2 - 3 is the optimal age to begin training, as this is when children first begin to have physical dexterity and enough mental capacity to understand instructions and words.  You wrote:  "My DIL always walks away when I say something that she and her mother do not believe in.  I am not a doctor, but I raised my son.  And when I was young and inexperienced, I turned to my mother for advice.  I was divorced, so I did not have any help from my own MIL.  I could not apply her own life experience.  However, my DIL has that advantage.  Why can't she use my life experience???  I am much more experienced with the babies than she is!!!!!"  My response:  It is unfortunate that you had no help from your MIL, but perhaps your DIL feels that her trust in her own mother is sufficient.  Her mother, most likely, has child-rearing methods that most closely gel with your DIL's, and this is why she turns to her own mother.  Again, it may be hard, but don't take this so personally.  We all have the right to raise our children as we see fit, and judging someone because they aren't raising their own kids the way YOU would like them to isn't going to endear you to them.  You wrote:  "I feel like she denies my RIGHTS with the baby.  I feel like the baby will grow up not knowing her other grandmother.  That is what she wishes for.  She does not want me to have anything to do with her baby.  BUT THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have the same rights as other grandparents do.  And I am going to use those rights to have contact with my granddaughter!!!!!  There is no way I am going to let her take her away from me.  When she grows up, I want my granddaughter to love me as much as I love her."  My response:  Heads up.  You do not have rights to the baby.  The baby is not yours.  Your relationship is grandmother - not mother.  And demanding your "rights" to the baby is not the way to get more time with her.  By demanding that your DIL grant you "rights" to her own child, you will accomplish the exact opposite of what you want.  You will push her and your son further and further away the more you push.  The more you threaten to take advantage of "rights", the more they will pull away from you.  If you threaten a bear cub, you will incur the wrath of the mother bear, and rightfully so.  Threaten the baby's parents with "rights", and you'll possibly lose all of them forever.  It's unlikely DIL is trying to "take away" the baby - she simply feels that you are pushing too hard to get your own ideas in there, when DIL just wants to implement her own methods on raising her child.  Don't push, don't threaten, don't take offense if you feel your ideas and experience aren't being "used".  Just enjoy your granddaughter and leave the child-rearing to her parents - that is what they are there for.  If you want to be more involved with your granddaughter, live by these rules and you'll probably see a change for the better.  You wrote:  "So gals, this is my side of a story.  Please, be objective and help me deal with my DIL.  All I want is to help and be involved in my grandchild's life as much as possible.  What is wrong with that???  I want the best for my children, and I strongly believe that I treat my DIL as I would my own daughter."  My response:  You did say to be objective, and I did try to be.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be involved in your grandchild's life.  Of course you want the best for your kids - but the grandchild is not your child - that's the crux of it.  You try to treat your DIL as your own daughter - that is also another problem.  Don't.  She isn't your daughter - never was and never will be.  Your DIL has her own mother, and it's likely she feels uncomfortable with your extreme familiarity.  Don't offer advice unless asked.  Don't take offense if they're doing things differently with their children than what you did with your own.  Don't disregard their wishes or insist that you know better.  Don't threaten that you have rights to the baby and will do anything to get her - you don't, and you won't.  A court battle means that you stand about a 99% chance of losing, wasting your money, and losing all of them forever.  Do you think that taking your own son to court is going to make him say, "Hey Mom, you were right all along, you can keep her for a week."  It's going to make them hate you.  It will drain resources away from the family and take food out of your granddaughter's mouth.  It will cause an unholy fight that will make them cut you out of their lives forever, most likely.  They are her parents, and they are going to raise her as they see fit.  Just be her grandmother and enjoy her - don't try to raise her, because her parents obviously aren't going for it.  Invite your DIL, son and granddaughter over often, and don't push.  Ask them what they do with regards to playtime, etc., and then do that.  Show them that you respect their wishes, follow their instructions regarding your granddaughter's care, and you'll earn their trust and respect.  Take this objective advice to heart - listen and learn. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-SEP-01 You're kidding, right?  Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.  Of course your DIL doesn't want to listen to your "advice" - it's all very selfish and laced with ulterior motives.  Why is it so difficult for you to acknowledge that other people (your DIL especially) are capable of solving their own problems?  You are not the all-knowing master of child-rearing - I hate to break it to you.  Get off your high horse before your son throws you off!!! RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 21-SEP-01 Is your grandchild a healthy, happy baby???  Ok, then your DIL is doing a great job. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 26-SEP-01 In your story, you constantly say, "her mother".  You feel she does things because her mother says to.  Typical MIL problem.  You are always concerned that her mother has more say than you!!  It is always a popularity contest with the husband's mother - who has the most control.  If you are that pushy, you should realize you pushed them away.  And my experience with advice "from the heart" is that it is your way of seeing things and pushing the issue.  I don't buy your story. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 28-SEP-01 I am sure you are not a "bad " mother-in-law, but you do have to learn to keep the unsolicited advice to yourself.  Potty training a 9 month old?  That is completely LUDICROUS.  Please, take the time to do some reading.  Yes, we understand that your kids "turned out all right", but time and research has shown that pushing kids to start potty training before they are ready causes significant problems behaviorally.  Pediatricians NO LONGER recommend scheduled feedings.  ALL babies need nursing during nighttime hours.  Did you breastfeed?  If you didn't, then perhaps you don't know that formula takes longer to digest, so feedings can be spaced out more.  Newborns breastfeeding every 2 hours is NORMAL.  It certainly was best that she listened to the advice of medical professionals, instead of some advice about the way we used to do it.  Society must learn from it's mistakes!!!!  If you want a relationship with the grandkids, keep the advice to yourself. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 8-OCT-01 For the MIL who wrote in not long ago and got a lot of indignant answers.  I only speak for myself, but I'm sorry this seemed to be the wrong place for you to go for help.  As you can see, we have strong feelings contrary to the ones you have.  I've been wondering, lately, if you, out of anger at our responses, have been leaving a series of little (somewhat hostile) remarks on the web site, even though you never responded to the responses to your letter.  I'm sorry that anger just seems to beget anger (I think we felt angry about your post, and now maybe you're even angrier at us for our lack of sympathy).  If you saw a therapist, or maybe a church counselor, I think you might have a chance of getting more constructive help.  Our hostility to you just probably makes you feel more defensive.  It probably didn't alter your way of seeing things one bit (at least, in any helpful, positive way - you might feel angrier and more hateful).  Maybe you could forget about this web site.  I'm sure it only feeds any bad feelings you already have about the situation.  Why don't you seek help in a different way?  I think you could get REAL help, sympathy, the whole works.  Checking in here will probably just make you feel bad (although, if you suggest this site to your DIL, you might be able to get her to smile).  I'm sorry I didn't say this in the first place.  God bless.  Signature: Concerned About That MIL. RESPONSE:  Not A Bad MIL Posted: 19-OCT-01 You need to butt the he!! out of your daughter-in-law's life.  What you need to understand is that your son is grown and gets to live his own life now, so does his wife.  It's revolting that you actually think that you have anything to say about how the child is raised.  Only the parents do.  If you think your DIL's mother has undue influence, you are worrying about things that are none of your business.  Your son is a big boy now, and can figure that out for himself, and deal with it for himself.  It's incredible that you have so little of your own life that you can't realize that your darling baby boy is grown.  It's pathetic.  I think you should reevaluate your life and its worth.  You don't get to make decisions for your DIL.  She owes you nothing.  The more you interfere, the more she'll hate you.  You just reinforce stereotypes about women being nagging and interfering.  And, I am now going to state something every DIL knows, and something I can't believe MIL's conveniently forget when they go through menopause:  OUR ONLY REAL MOTHER IS OUR BIRTH MOTHER!  YOU WILL NEVER LOVE US LIKE SHE DOES, AND YOUR ATTEMPT TO PRETEND YOU CARE LIKE SHE DOES JUST REVOLTS US.  Of course we want advice from our real mothers and not from you.  We don't think you're healthy mothers to your sons, so why would we let you near our kids?!

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