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Mother-In-Law Mall
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Not A Bad MIL
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This page is devoted to a single story, "Not A Bad MIL",
plus all of its responses. For the first time in MIL Stories'
history, a single story has elicited such an enormous response that
it has warranted a separate page to handle the volume! We will
continue posting all responses to this story, with the entire thread
available on this page, and only the latest responses being available
on the Latest Responses Page.
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Posted: 29-JUL-01
OK, I just came across these pages and I read some
of your stories with a very mixed feeling. Let me explain myself.
I am a MIL. So, on one hand, I feel sorry for you gals.
I feel really badly that you have to take all this abuse from your
own MILs. But, on the other hand, I believe in a possibility
that some of you see everything in a twisted mirror. I think
that I, myself, do everything to have a good relationship with my
DIL. I buy her expensive gifts. I help them out when they
need someone to baby-sit. I help my DIL with cooking and cleaning
when I come over. However, I don't think that my DIL appreciates
anything that I do. I don't believe she respects me, or cares
enough about my feelings. The problem started with the birth
of my granddaughter. Naturally, I wanted nothing but to help
her out. I wanted to give her the best advice that was coming
straight from the heart. However, she NEVER LISTENED TO ANYTHING
I SAID!!!!! She only listened to her mother!!!!!!! Her
mother told her to nurse her baby "on demand", which turned
out to be every 1.5-2 hours. She did that and it compromised
the sleep of the baby and resulted in a sleeping disorder that the
baby had later on. But she did not care when I explained to
her that the babies need schedules, they need to be fed every four
hours, and they do not need to be fed during the night. She
said that she read it in a book. However, I KNOW THAT IT CAME
FROM HER MOTHER!!!!! Her father is a doctor, and he took it
upon himself to write a prescription for some medicine for the baby
to relive her allergies. I offered a more natural approach that
worked well for my own child!!!! However, they completely disregarded
my opinion. They went on with what her father said because he
is a DOCTOR!!!! So what??? What about my own experience???
The baby was not gaining weight at all. She looked so skinny,
but my DIL insisted on "exclusive breastfeeding" till about
6 months because HER MOTHER SAID so!!!!! She said that doctors
were not concerned about her weight, and seemed very irritated when
I raised that subject. Finally they decided to start her on
solids, but they never acknowledged that I was right. They visit
her parents all the time, but they rarely visit us (less than once
a week). I miss this baby terribly, but I feel like I have no
right to voice my opinion. The most painful thing is that my
DIL does not trust me with her baby. She says she is afraid
I will feed her something that she is allergic to (like I want to
harm my own granddaughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). When I confront my
son, he says to me that my DIL is very jealous, and I need to give
her some time. He always makes promises to bring the baby to
our place over the weekends, but he rarely keeps those promises.
I started potty training my own baby when he was 5 months old, and
he was completely trained by 11 months. When I tell my DIL to
start potty training her 9 month baby, she walks away like what I
say is completely stupid. My DIL always walks away when I say
something that she and her mother do not believe in. I am not
a doctor, but I raised my son. And when I was young and inexperienced,
I turned to my mother for an advice. I was divorced, so I did
not have any help from my own MIL. I could not apply her own
life experience. However, my DIL has that advantage. Why
can't she use my life experience??? I am much more experienced
with the babies than she is!!!!! I feel like she denies my RIGHTS
with the baby. I feel like the baby will grow up not knowing
his other grandmother. That is what she wishes for. She
does not want me to have anything to do with her baby. BUT THIS
IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the same rights as other
grandparents do. And I am going to use those rights to have
contact with my granddaughter!!!!! There is no way I am going
to let her take her away from me. When she grows up, I want
my granddaughter to love me as much as I love her. So gals,
this is my side of a story. Please, be objective and help me
deal with my DIL. All I want is to help and be involved in my
grandchild's life as much as possible. What is wrong with that???
I want the best for my children, and I strongly believe that I treat
my DIL as I would my own daughter.
Signed - Not A Bad MIL
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
Are you serious????? If I were your DIL, I would
be moving, changing my address and possibly even my name. All
this aside, I think I can actually offer some constructive advice
for you. If you want your DIL to enjoy spending time with you,
stop telling her how she should raise her child. It is not your
place. You raised your children, now let your son and his wife
raise theirs. I'll bet your relationship will be a lot less
strained if you stop doing this and stop complaining and insisting
that you spend more time with them. Children have their own
lives, and want to be free to live them. They are responsible
adults with their own family. Don't treat them like children
that need you to supervise their every decision. My own parents
live 9 hours away, and my IL's live 6 hours away. We don't see
either of them more than 3 times a year for a couple days, so count
your blessings that you see them once a week. Personally, I
wouldn't even be doing that. I think that your DIL was right
not to follow most of your advice. Potty training at 9 months
is just insane. I hope that she continues to go to her own parents,
especially her Dr. father for advice. I'm sure her child will
thrive. Reading through your post, I couldn't help thinking
... this must be a joke.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
I must say, as a DIL, my teeth began to clench as I
was reading your story. I have been on the DIL side of this
coin, as many women here have. It is clear that this is a control
issue. You seem to think you're competing with your DIL and
the other grandparents. You are angry with your DIL because
she is doing things HER WAY and not yours. I must say that many
things have changed in the aspects of infant care in the last 20-30yrs.
Just because your kids lived doesn't mean that the EXPERTS haven't
learned a better way that is healthier for babies. Did you know
that breast-fed babies do tend to be smaller than bottle-fed babies
(and healthier)? I guess your DIL and I have read the same books
and articles (no, my dad is not a Dr.) on infant care, because it
sounds like we did things the exact same way. FYI, I often went
against what my own mother thought, as well as my MIL. Remind
yourself of how it feels to be a young wife and a new mother.
It is HARD. From your story, I got a strong sense of disapproval
of your DIL. Are you familiar with the term "unsolicited
advice"? Or the term "overbearing"? Did
your son actually say "jealous"? Do you think he was
trying to tell you what you wanted to hear? And do you think
that your son has no choice about bringing the baby to see you?
You say, "they" a lot. I assume this to mean your
DIL and your son. You must understand that "they"'
are a family now. "They" are adults. You seem
to put all the blame on your DIL, then you say "they"'.
My advice to you is to stop putting your son in the middle.
Stop giving unwanted advice. Stop making your DIL feel like
you think that she doesn't know what's best for her own child.
Treat her with respect. Don't try to push yourself into their
lives. Give them space. "They" are grown-ups
now with their own busy lives. There is not much worse than
having someone else's way CRAMMED down your throat. Please CALM
DOWN and look at this rationally. You must respect their boundaries
or you will continue to get shut out of their lives.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
My first thought on reading your letter is that you
have got to be kidding. Didn't you pay attention to the submissions
you've read here? It's as though you used them for ideas on
how to be a real pain-in-the-neck MIL. I, too, am a MIL.
Let me give you some advice if you want a good relationship with your
DIL. Back off. Mind your own business. If she wants
your advice, she'll ask for it. Their world does not revolve
around you. Lastly, get a life of your own and stop trying to
live theirs. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
When I read your message, I thought you must just be
someone playing Devils Advocate and having some fun. But, if
you're not, and you genuinely do have this problem, then I'll tell
you what I think! It seems from your message that you are only
interested in doing things your way. You constantly berate your
DIL for not listening to you, and not doing what you want, despite
the fact that you are patently not educated in current child rearing
methods. This isn't to say you were a bad parent, but things
have moved on since those days, and ideas have progressed. You
need to respect your DIL as a parent, and not undermine her authority
and skills. Why on earth would you expect her to listen to you
when you have no intention of listening to anybody else? Then
you move on to the real issue - the fact that you want to control
this baby and are willing to destroy your son's marriage in the process.
You have no right to take a baby from a mother because you are not
willing to keep quiet and behave respectfully. Instead of focusing
on yourself, why don't you let your son and DIL work on their relationship
without causing problems. Show your DIL that you can support
her, not criticize and undermine her. You may find that your
relationship changes.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
First of all, you have no real right to interfere in
the upbringing of your grandchild. Give help only when asked
for it. Every book I have ever read says that a new infant should
be fed on demand. How can it be interrupting its sleeping if
it's "demanding" to be fed? It is natural to turn
to your own mother when it comes to raising a baby. She doesn't
understand your methods and wants to go with what she knows.
Also, breastfeeding exclusively for the first 6 months is recommended
by every health practitioner on the go. The reason that the
baby might have looked skinny to you is that breast fed babies have
a lower rate of obesity. You said that when you come over, you
help with the cooking and cleaning. Are you asked to do this?
If not, it is more than likely that your DIL feels that you are overstepping
your bounds in her and her husband's house. You say you buy
expensive gifts, but a gift can be expensive with no thought behind
it. Or, in extreme cases, they can be seen as an insult.
Something inexpensive but thoughtful might do the trick. Finally,
have you tried talking to your DIL? Maybe if you tried a more
hands off approach, your DIL might respond favorably. You can't
expect to have someone want to visit you when you criticize everything
she does.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
First of all, you have NO RIGHTS to this child, because
she is not yours. It sounds like you're way more concerned with
being right all the time than with having a decent relationship with
your DIL. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want you around
if you were acting this way either. You had better learn to
back off and bite your tongue, or the only time you'll be seeing your
grandchild is at her high school graduation!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
Boy oh boy lady, did you reread what you wrote?
I hate you already, and I don't even know you. This child is
your son's and DIL's, not yours. Advice is just that, it's advice.
You can take it or not. Breastfeeding is on demand, and she
can breast feed for as long as she wants to. And as for you
saying that you started potty training your son at 5 months, I find
that very difficult to believe. Most children don't start potty
training until at least 2 years of age. This is your DIL's child
to raise, get your nose out of it. As you've already noticed,
she doesn't take your advice, so SHUT UP ALREADY!!! You'd probably
get more visits with your grandchild if you would just enjoy her and
not be mouthing off all of the time. Don't judge your DIL.
You raised your kids the way you wanted, and she will do the same.
The more you BUTT IN, the less you will see of them. And don't
give me that grandparents rights sh!t. I don't blame her for
not letting you see her child, with you spewing poison all of the
time. The way I see it, you have 2 choices: 1) Shut up
and see your grandchild. 2) Keep on mouthing off and giving
"advice", and never see them. Decide for yourself.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
OK ladies, here is a classic example! CONTROL,
CONTROL, CONTROL!!!!!!!! Need I say more?
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
I have never heard anything so ludicrous in my entire
life. A newborn baby doesn't need to nurse at night? Potty
training at 5 months old? Weekly visits to your house aren't
enough? Come on! I'm not even going to dignify your complaints
with a thorough response, because I'm sure tons of other people are
going to post. I feel really sorry for your DIL.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
Lady, I hate to break this to you, but your advice
about child-rearing is completely antiquated. Feeding on demand
(in other words when the baby is actually HUNGRY) is best for the
baby, and young infants do need to eat during the night as well.
And, potty training a baby at 5 months is child abuse!! A child
does not even have the cognitive ability at that age to learn to use
the potty! If you read T.Berry Brazelton, he will tell you to
start the process when the CHILD, not the meddling MIL, is ready!
You asked for advice here, so I will give it to you. Stop sticking
your nose in where it doesn't belong! It sounds like your DIL
is doing a fine job of caring for her baby. She has done her
research. And you, yourself, said you asked your mother for
help and advice, so why are you berating your DIL for doing the same
thing? It sounds like YOU are jealous and angry because you
can't have complete control over your granddaughter. Maybe if
you didn't spend your visits with her trying to tell your DIL how
to raise her child and trying to control everyone, then you would
see your granddaughter more often. If I were in your DIL's shoes,
I would avoid you like the plague! The last thing a new mother
needs is someone scrutinizing and criticizing. If the baby's
pediatrician thinks her weight is fine, then who are you to decide
otherwise? I'm afraid you are not going to get much sympathy
here. You sound like all the rest of the selfish, controlling
MILs on this board. It seems like what you want in exchange
for your help with baby-sitting and housework and nice gifts is total
control over your son and DIL's lives! It just doesn't work
that way! You are the one with the problem here, not your DIL.
And I hope you do some serious soul searching. You don't get
to just sit back and DEMAND your rights as a grandparent. What
about your DIL's right to raise her child as SHE sees fit. Have
you ever thought about that? If you don't take a look in the
mirror soon, I think you will be a very sad, lonely woman. Please
consider what I have said.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
While you seem to have good intentions, you should
realize that your DIL probably feels that you are interfering.
You mention that you raised your son. Fair enough. I'm
sure you also made mistakes. That's all natural. Now,
let your DIL do as she wants with HER CHILD. Although you feel
you should say something about this or that in future, don't do it.
Keep quiet. Let her raise her baby the way she wants to.
By doing this, you'll gradually get to see more and more of your granddaughter
once your DIL realizes that you're not just an interfering MIL who
is ready to pounce on everything she does.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
Your advice is not a bad thing to offer to other people,
but only if they are asking you for that opinion. One of the
hardest things to do is to sit by and watch them make mistakes and
not do everything the way that you would, but whose life is it???
This is HER chance to prove to everyone that she is a good MOM.
But when you are always giving advice, that might cause her to feel
that you are condemning her ways of parenting. Not everyone's
style of parenting is in unison. So, maybe instead of always
trying to give advice, just love the grandchild and be happy that
they are trying their best to be good parents, whether you agree with
their methods or not. It is not up to you to decide that.
It seems to me that they are pulling away from you. And your
wanting and needing to always give your advice without them asking
you to do so is probably the cause of them staying away from you.
All people want to be around people who are positive influences in
their lives and those who make them feel adequate. Making mistakes
is the only way you will ever learn anything. When you are the
grandparent, it is harder to see what you are and aren't doing correctly
for THEIR child. Were there some mistakes that you made when
you were a new mother?? Of course, if we were all perfect, our
lives would be soo easy, and the world would not be such a mess??
Just try not be so busy giving advice UNLESS THEY ASK YOU!!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
I'm a lurker here who has never posted, but I want
to try and reply to you as clearly as I can. I'm a DIL and a
daughter who would have issues with some of the things that you describe
in your letter. I have been mad at my own mother for similar
things. In general, do you offer your advice when it is asked
for only, or whenever you see them doing things wrong (in your opinion)?
If you give advice when you are asked, people are much more likely
to listen. Or do you just tell them what they should do all
the time? My mother did this all the time. She raised
6 children, and I still want to do certain things differently from
her. She didn't like it at all until I explained that I had
heard her advice, didn't agree, and would be leaving (or stopping)
the conversation from now on if she couldn't stop telling me what
to do. Things have changed a lot since you and my mother had
babies. Doctor's and expert's opinions have changed regarding
breastfeeding, solids, sleep habits, toilet training, etc. Whether
you agree or not, it is your son's and DIL's right to raise their
child as they see fit. I would also be unhappy if my MIL, or
mother, felt as you seem to - that I had caused my child's sleep disorder
(whatever that is in a baby). Maybe the baby would have behaved
the same no matter how your DIL fed her. We'll never know.
Also, why do you feel that they should acknowledge that you were right
when they started feeding the baby solids. Maybe they planned
on starting solids at six months (like a lot of BF guidelines suggest)
no matter what you did or didn't say, so it has nothing to do with
you. I would try and put yourself in your DIL's shoes.
You are offended that she thinks you might try to hurt your granddaughter
by feeding her foods she's allergic to, but you think it's okay to
blame her for things that happen to the baby (i.e., sleep disorders,
etc.) This would drive me crazy. Also, maybe she doesn't
want to try toilet training a baby. I sure wouldn't. If
I were you, I would let it go. You gave advice, she heard it,
and she's doing something differently. It's okay. The
baby will be toilet trained eventually. I'm trying to give you
some perspective on how your DIL may be feeling. I don't know.
And you would have to talk to her or your son to be sure. My
last point has to do with visits. You say they don't come see
you as much as they see her parents. Is all the visiting their
responsibility. Do you call and ask to go over and see the baby?
I don't go to my MIL weekly either, but if she calls and wants to
come over for a couple hours, I've rarely said no. The key is
to accept it if the time you want is not good for them. Come
to visit your granddaughter and not expect your DIL to wait on you.
If they have to do all the visiting, you may not see as much of your
granddaughter as you like. In general, if I wanted a good relationship
with my DIL (future), I would baby-sit when asked (like you do), try
to help out (like you do), and try to remember that my opinion is
just an opinion. Don't offer it if it isn't asked for.
Don't assume you know everything about things. Don't try and
control everything. Your relationship with your granddaughter
will develop over her entire life, and you can't force her (as a baby)
to love you as much as you choose. Also, if your DIL and you
have a history, you will have to try extra hard to overcome it.
Good luck. A daughter's perspective.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
Speaking objectively here, it sounds as if you want
your DIL to choose you over her parents. That's not going to
happen. She's known her family all her life, and she trusts
them. Whether or not you have given her any reason to distrust
you is irrelevant. BACK OFF. It may sound like good advice
to you, but keep it to yourself! If all it does is irritate
her, then why do you insist on giving her advice and throwing in your
2 cents worth? She doesn't need to learn from YOUR life experience,
she needs to learn from her own. If her mother gives her advice,
its taken as love. If you give it, its taken as criticism.
Its not a competition for your granddaughter, so don't make it out
to be one. By the way, if they are seeing you more than 2 times
a month, that's generous and very frequent. And I think most
people here would agree with me on that. It seems like you mean
well, so my advice to you is to just back off and keep your advice
to yourself. As much as DILs and MILs may want to get along
with each other "like family", we're not family, and it
will take time - a LOT of time in some cases.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 31-JUN-01
If I were your DIL, I would ignore your advice too.
How about picking up some "up to date"' parenting books
and apologizing to your DIL for trying to force your ideas on her.
I see no justification for your anger. Schedules are just plain
wrong.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I am so sorry you are going through all this pain.
I am a DIL who is on the receiving end of all my MIL's advice.
Although I understand what you are saying and I understand your frustration,
I am sorry to say that backing off is the only answer to your problem.
Unless a DIL and MIL have had a pretty much flawless relationship
from the get go, your advice will seem like you are trying to tell
her how to run her life, and it does not go over well. I know
that you have the best intentions, and I can tell by your post that
you are a wonderful mom/MIL, but back off a little and bite your tongue.
Trust me, it is for the best. I would just be the bigger person
and give advice only when asked. If the doctors and her own
mom are not concerned with the baby's weight, then surely a DIL will
listen to them over a MIL. I'm not saying that is right in her
situation, but I would if it were between MY MIL and MY DOCTOR and
my mom. Think of it this way - you have a daughter and you did
things one way for her growing up. Then she gets married and
that is the only way she has always known. She has a baby and
does things the way you did it (or are advising). Then MIL comes
in and tells her another way. Be it right or wrong, she will
be more apt to do it your way. You are her mom, and you did
such a good job with her that she wants to do it the same way.
Just to let you know, newborns (if nursing) DO eat every 1.5- 2 hours.
And sometimes at the beginning to establish a milk supply, the advice
is to wake them. But after a time, the baby should have found
a schedule. If not, then the mom is the one who has to wake
up so often. If it bothers her, then she would have stopped
it before long. The "sleep disorder" could have been
coming regardless. About how often you see the baby - I would
just smile and be happy when you see him and don't complain.
Depending on the personality of your DIL, complaining will only make
her stay away. Grin and bear it. Eventually your SON will
see if she is mistreating you. OR she will come around.
You are, AFTER ALL, that baby's grandma. I am praying for your
situation. Let us know how things are going:
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
Analyze your story. Notice how many times you
use the words "I want", "I have", and "I
know". Ask yourself, "If I asked MY mother for advice
on raising my baby, why am I begrudging my DIL the privilege of soliciting
advice from HER mother?" Ask yourself what you would do
if someone demanded "rights" to your baby. Would you
believe they'd take good care of your baby if they pooh-pooh'd everything
you had done up to that point to raise it? Honey, I hate to
say it, but you might not think you're a bad MIL, but you're a DIL's
worst nightmare. Help only when asked. Advise only when
asked. Be grateful that you see them when THEY want to see you.
And GET YOUR OWN DARN LIFE. STOP TRYING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS IN
THIS LITTLE FAMILY. I don't have kids, but I do have a MIL.
And your kind is EXACTLY THE REASON WHY I WILL NOT HAVE KIDS until
my MIL steps off a little. Don't make these parents regret your
presence. But, thank you. Your letter makes me realize
that I'm making the right choice in not having "her grandchildren"
right now, or ever, possibly.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
Let me first say that I can anticipate a lot of the
responses you will get. Please read what I have written as I
am truly trying to help you and give you advice that will help you
in your relationship with your DIL. I know that you feel you
are doing your best and being helpful with your advice and everything.
I'm sure you did a great job with your own children. BUT this
is your DIL's child, not yours. She has a right to look at parenting
issues herself and make her own decisions. It sounds to me like
she is following a lot of the current thinking - feeding on demand,
breastfeeding until 6 months. The current advice is to not start
potty training until around two years. If she is consulting
her pediatrician and following his advice, then you really need to
back off. I am sorry. I know you are trying your best,
but this is what is harming your relationship with your DIL and your
grandchild. If you have been pestering her to feed the baby
solids, etc., and you show that you do not respect her decisions,
she obviously thinks that you will do things your own way if she leaves
the baby with you (and you might do something she doesn't approve
of). You need to take a step back and try to respect their decisions
regarding their baby. You had your chance with your own children.
When you feel that you can respect your DIL and son, have a talk with
them. Tell them that you might not agree with every decision
they have made, but you respect them and will follow what they want
when you are with your grandchild. Assure them honestly that
you will not try to go around them and do your own thing. And
then back this up with action! Stop harassing them about how
you did things, your opinions, etc. Once a week is actually
pretty often to see your grandchild. As she gets older, and
you build a better relationship with your DIL. You will get
to see her more. But if you continue this confrontational style,
it will deteriorate. Why would she want to visit when you spend
every minute telling her what she is doing is wrong and that she is
not a good mother? Never, EVER mention your RIGHTS to
your DIL. Don't even think of involving lawyers and courts and
ruining any chance of a normal relationship. I hope you haven't
told your DIL your thoughts on this. If my MIL ever threatened
me with "grandparent's rights", she would never see my child
again. Please, please try to resolve things peacefully.
Find reasons to respect your DIL as a mother, and as the woman your
son chose to have children with. Stop giving unwanted advice,
and you will all be much happier. You will have a wonderful
relationship with your granddaughter. It took courage for you
to post here asking for advice. And, even if some of it hurts,
I hope you take it to heart. Try to see things from your DIL's
point of view. I wish you luck.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I'm sure you only have your granddaughter's best interest
at heart, BUT if your DIL's father, A DOCTOR, tells his daughter to
treat "his grandchild" one way, and you say to treat her
another, then OF COURSE she'll listen to her dad, "THE DOCTOR"!!!!!!
So you're being overly sensitive regarding that situation. And
you are a GRANDMOTHER, not her MOTHER! Maybe if you back off
a little and just enjoy your visits without trying to "advise"
your DIL, she will ASK for your advice sometime. If you continue
to feel like this is a contest between you and your DIL, you're are
going to lose. And as for the breast feeding, I nursed 3 children
until they were 16 months old, so I KNOW what I'm talking about when
I tell you that she was right about feeding on demand. A breast
baby DOES need to be fed during the night. Due to the fact that
they digest the milk SO much more easily, they need to nurse more
often than a bottle feed baby. And it shouldn't matter to you
when she starts potty training. She is the MOTHER! You
had a choice about when to start potty training and you did what you
wanted to do with your child. Now it's HER turn to make the decisions
regarding HER child. A grandmother's job is to LOVE the child
unconditionally, spoil her, pet her, and let her parent's raise her.
If you want to be in her life, you had better back off and let her
mother be her mother. If you continue to have a problem with
your DIL, your time with your grandchild will ALWAYS be limited!!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I read your story and wanted to suggest some reading
material for you, because in the thirty or so years since you've raised
your son, things have changed. Some for the better, some not.
What your DIL is doing is called "attachment parenting".
And when you breastfeed, yes, the BEST way to do it is "on demand".
Fact: Breastfeeding on demand doesn't produce a sleep disorder.
Breastfed babies do not sleep through the night. Feeding on
a schedule might deprive the baby of the nourishment it needs.
Fact: Breastfed babies get exactly what they need. They
are self-regulated and tend not to be obese/overweight when they get
older. "The Baby Book", by William Sears, and "The
Parents Guide For Toilet Teaching", would be excellent books
for you to read to get into the groove with what your DIL and son
have decided to do. Also "What To Expect The First Year"
is good. It would be a tremendous show of support if you bought
a copy for your DIL and gave it to her if she doesn't already have
it. And it would win you brownie points. People don't
potty train their children under one year anymore because it has been
known to cause psychological problems later. A word of advice
- don't clean or cook for your DIL because it makes us DILs feel as
if we are not doing our job or are incompetent. Just enjoy the
little time you get to visit the baby. Educate/update your knowledge
in regards to potty training, etc. My MIL felt as you did, and
all it has gotten her are once a month, supervised visits. And
she never gets to baby sit because she doesn't respect my wishes.
And I'm afraid that her outdated "life experience" will
end up harming my children, even if she didn't intend for it to do
so. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I can see by the tone of your letter that you are a
caring MIL, and that is great. But from a DIL's point of view
(with a controlling mother-in-law such as I myself have), I have to
agree with your daughter in law. If you want to be involved
at all with you granddaughter's life, you need to stop giving any
advice, at least for now. Start by complimenting the way she
does things with the child, and once that relationship with your DIL
is strong enough, you can start by giving subtle advise. No
woman, especially a new mother with doubts of her own parenting skills,
likes to be told how to do things with her own child. She is
probably feeling a little inadequate as a mother right now, and she
needs support from you. Trust me. If you start to appreciate
her own ways of parenting, even if it's different than your ways,
she will start to come around.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I admire you for coming to this web site, and thank
you for asking for advice. Here it is: Back off!
Yes, you have reared your own child. That was your duty, your
responsibility, and your right. Is it not your DIL's duty, responsibility,
and right to raise her child and she sees fit? Believe it or
not (I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic because it's not intended
to be), when you were bringing up your son, you made mistakes and
had people criticize your decisions. And guess what? You
did a good job anyway, I'm sure. Your DIL doesn't want expensive
gifts from you - she wants respect (not the relationship of a mother
and daughter - that she already has). She wants the respect
of one woman to another. Give that to her, please.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I know you don't mean to be a bad MIL, but take it
from someone who has a really good relationship with her mother, an
OK relationship with her MIL, and a poor relationship with her FIL
(divorced). When you give your DIL advice, you may come across
wrong. My FIL does this constantly, and when I don't listen
to his advice, I am disrespectful. This advice doesn't mean
you're a bad MIL, but if you give it CONSTANTLY, she won't listen
to you. And yes, daughter's have an awful tendency to listen
to their mothers more than their MILs. I know I do. In
my mind, my mother walks on water when it comes to raising children
(she owns a daycare). I would follow her advice in a heartbeat
before following my MIL's advice (she has raised five children).
I also think it's good that she's following a doctor's advice (even
if it is her father). You do have a right to voice your opinion
Your DIL has the very same right to ignore you. For example,
my parents told us not to get a dog - we got two. I took their
advice into consideration and made my own decisions. As far
as seeing your granddaughter less than once a week, you should be
grateful. My parents and my ILs will only see my daughter every
few months because we are out of state. My advice to you as
a DIL with a FIL who constantly gives advice: Back off with
the advice or you'll probably see less of your granddaughter than
you want to. You're already feeling the effects of over advice.
P.S. If your daughter gives you the cold shoulder, rolls her
eyes at you, walks away, or glares as you are giving advice, take
that as a hint and leave her alone.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
I'm afraid you're going to get quite a few responses
to your post, and not all of them kind. You ask us to look at
it from your perspective. Well, you need to put yourself in
your DIL's shoes. Advice is just that, advice. It is not
a dictate to do things your way. You must satisfy yourself with
the fact that it sounds like your grandchild is being well taken care
of. Lots of people love the baby and your DIL is following the
advice of doctors. Not everything is going to be done your way.
You had your chance. You raised your kids. This chance
is your son's and DIL's. Let them do it their way. You
say you see this child less than once a week. Frankly, I think
that is quite a lot for the grandmother of an infant. When do
your son and DIL have a chance to bond with their child alone?
That's important too. It sounds from your post that you are
considering taking legal action to guarantee "your rights"
as a grandmother. Take my advice, don't! You will put
a wall up that will never be scaled if you try to take your son and
DIL to court. No one will win, and your grandchild will suffer.
Accept the fact that your DIL is free to choose who's advice she follows
and enjoy your time with your grandchild such as it is. You're
missing out when you only focus on what's NOT happening, not what
IS happening. Best of luck.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
First, I need to say that advice is not a gift.
You don't just give it, no matter how prettily you wrap it up with
good intentions. You wait for advice to be asked for.
From what I gather, you have continuously offered unsolicited advice,
and it appears it is driving your DIL (and subsequently your granddaughter)
away. Though they don't appear to be going far - you still see
them once a week. That's more than my own mother saw her grandson
after my son was born and she lived 15 minutes away. Please
stop keeping track of how often the other grandma sees the baby -
just concentrate on YOU and keeping your gift of advice to yourself.
Your DIL may never ask for your advice - so be it. You hold
on to your "expertise" from raising your child, and use
it to do fun things like make cookies with your granddaughter when
she is older. IF you even have a relationship with her when
she is older - the way you are going - DIL may even cut off the 1
day a week. Your granddaughter is NOT going to thank you for
criticizing her mother, by the way, so unless you get a handle on
your anger and feelings of being treated unfairly by your DIL, your
granddaughter herself may cut you off when she is older. As
for the way you are advising your DIL do things, I suggest you go
to the library and check out some books and magazines to do with parenting.
Times and beliefs have changed since you were a young mom. They
would be good reading, and you would see that this advice your DIL
is following is not just from her mother and doctor - father.
Your son was raised at a time when the advice you got - and are now
attempting to pass on - was the way people felt babies should be raised.
Many of your beliefs are no longer adhered to, by any pediatricians
or parents. If you have questions, why not ask your own doctor?
If your doctor cannot explain to you why many of your suggestions
are no longer considered the right way to do things, ask for a referral
to a pediatrician. They know so much more now about babies'
nutrition, body weight, etc., than they knew just 20 years ago.
My own mom went with me to some of my baby's first doctor visits.
She said it had been so long since she had had a baby and things have
changed so much. I was touched that she was willing to learn,
listen, and respect the decisions I made about how to raise my child.
My son is 4 now, and just the other day she said she isn't sure about
this "no spanking" thing my DH and I are doing. And
she never could have had the patience I do, but it sure seems to be
working. I wasn't offended. I know she raised 6 kids.
They believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child", but
this is how I want mine raised and she respects me. Perhaps
your DIL would respect and listen to you if you listened to her.
Why does it matter to you that she feeds on demand? And this
is not just a crazy idea of her mother and doctor-father. My
pediatrician advised it also. And to make a young baby go all
night without eating? I think that is cruel. If my son
woke up hungry, I fed him. You're not the one getting up with
your granddaughter. Leave your DIL alone about it. Some
of my most cherished memories of my son when he was tiny was holding
him in the rocker in the middle of the night and feeding him.
Don't sacrifice the well-being and happiness of a baby to adhere to
a schedule. My son did not eat solids till he was ready - and
that was at 8 months. Breast milk did him just fine. Doctors
have charts that show body length vs. weight. They refer to
them when checking a baby. Why not ask the pediatrician about
it and look it over? And potty training before the baby is a
year old? I was amazed when I read recently that mothers used
to do that. But mothers also used to be told by family and doctors
to have a drink to calm their stomach while pregnant, or dose a baby
with cod liver oil, or give them aspirin for a fever. By the
way, MIL, all those things are now no-no's too. You must have
been exhausted!!! You potty-trained your son at 6 months??
Didn't it occur to you when it took so long that he might not have
been ready? You would have gone ballistic about my son's potty
training. He decided he wanted to do it at 23 months changed
his mind at 24 months, and stayed in diapers till he was over 3.
But when he decided he was finally ready, he was ready! He averaged
1 accident a day for 4 days, and then he had maybe 3 accidents in
the next 6 months. He has never even had an accident at night.
And the whole procedure had the blessings of my pediatrician.
Like she said, these days doctors know you can create emotional problems
in your child by pushing potty training too early. And most
children cannot even control their need for a bowel movement until
they are a year old. Your son must have been exceptional, and
for that I congratulate you. I, myself, refused to sweat the
small stuff. Why are you concerned because your DIL and son
are still changing diapers? They are the ones doing the majority
of it. You are sweating the small stuff, MIL. Now as to
your DIL's fear that you will feed the baby something she is allergic
to. No, I don't think you would purposely hurt your granddaughter.
But you have made it clear that you do not approve of her decisions
regarding your granddaughter's health and eating. I also would
be afraid that you would do it your way to prove you "know what
you are doing". My MIL did that to me. These days
they say not to feed a child peanut butter till they are at least
a year old - and hold out longer if you can. My pediatrician
added that since I have a lot of allergies, she felt my son should
wait till he was at least 3. My MIL thought that was bunk!
SHE had fed 5 kids peanut butter from 9 months on, and nothing happened
to THEM! Well, you guessed it - she fed him peanut butter at
less than a year. No, nothing happened. But it will be
a long time till I forgive her for that. If I was your DIL,
I would be afraid that you would do the same thing. My 4 year
old son could tell you that one of his favorite TV characters would
tell you to, "Stop, breathe, think." MIL, you need
to do that before it's too late. I know it will be hard.
But you love your son, you love your granddaughter - try. Good
luck. I hope some of what I said helps.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 1-AUG-01
After reading your story, I am scared to have you as
my MIL. Let me give you some hints on why you (MILs) are not
liked. 1. DILs do not always listen to their mothers.
It is this attitude of MIL that makes them run to their mother for
support. The more irritated you will be of her mother, the more
she will hate you because she knows you are doing that just to have
rights to her and her kids. I hate my MIL only, and only because
she does that with my mother. She wants me to give her priority
over my own mother. And I did that 'til the date she bad mouthed
my mother. Now I go more often to my mother just to bug her. 2.
There will be better peace in your life if you let your DIL live her
own life without interfering. She goes to her mother because
her mother does not come to her with uninvited suggestions.
She went to her. If you will not stop budging into her life
with your experiences uninvited, you will get the treatment that you
are getting. REMEMBER - A MOTHER ALWAYS DOES WHAT SHE FEELS
IS BEST FOR HER CHILD, AND if she feels that you are a threat, then
you are. YOU yourself have put yourself into this position.
3. Leave her alone and she will come to you. 4.
Don't try to show her your rights over her husband (Mind you, he is
your son, agreed. But now he is married and has a family of
his own. He needs some space too). I wish I could tell
all this to my MIL, as I am desperate to have good relations with
her. I try and think she is not that bad, and then she says
something about me or my family that hurts me, and I want my husband
to leave her forever. Don't do that to yourself. Remember
that today you can fight, but what will you do when you are old and
need them? And you'll need love, and not hatred from your DIL.
Then you will never be able to make peace with her, because she already
will not want to see your face. Call her up, leave your ego,
and try to be her friend - not her MIL. Wait 'til suggestions
are invited, and take my word, invitations will come. Enjoy
your grandchildren. Don't worry that she will do something wrong
with her children. After all, she is their mother. She
will do best for them, even if there is no one to give suggestions.
And don't act like you have a right. They know that you have
a right, but once you say it in some way or the other, you make them
pull away from you. Don't pull her away from her mother, you
are driving her towards her mother by doing that. She knows
her mother better than you. You do not have to tell her faults
to your DIL. And, if you have raised healthy children, then
so has her mother. By saying that her mother is not giving right
suggestions, you are saying that your DIL was not brought up properly.
And the day my MIL says that, she is out of my life for good (even
though, in my heart, I might know that what she might be saying may
be right). But, you say it, and you lose it. A DIL.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
YOU STARTED POTTY TRAINING AT 5 MONTHS? ARE YOU
INSANE!!!!! NO WONDER YOUR DIL DOESN'T WANT YOUR ADVICE.
What you did with your child, in psychological terms, is referred
to as "potting", and the child has no knowledge base to
build training skills on. Also, what is wrong with breast-feeding?
Babies who are fed "on demand" and not "on a schedule"
tend to thrive more consistently. I know from personal experience
what a schedule did to my daughter. It caused her to have an
eating disorder that caused her to projectile vomit across a room
because of ninnies who insisted that she eat on a schedule.
Why is your DIL jealous? How much do you want of HER husband
that she feels this way? Instead of offering unsolicited advice,
why don't you ask her how she is doing, and how it is progressing,
instead of saying, "Well I did it this way." All that
does is invalidate anything that she and her husband are doing.
And it is natural for a daughter to seek the advice of her mother.
I think there is a bit more to this story. A twisted mirror
has two views. Maybe you should look further into your version
of the reflection.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
Welcome, MIL. It's nice to hear another perspective,
but prepare to be blasted! I agree with you that SOME of the
DIL's do tend to see things in what seems to be an unnecessarily negative
light, and some amaze me with their patience! As for your situation,
you need to understand that your DIL perceives your advice as criticism.
Yes, you may have more experience in raising children, but SHE is
this child's mother and she and her husband will and should make the
decisions regarding her upbringing. Don't assume that she ALWAYS
follows her mother's advice either. She most likely doesn't.
You said yourself that you turned to your own mother for advice, and
she is doing the same. She has a relationship and trust with
her mother that she does not share with you. Don't take that
personally, its just the way it is. Stop giving her unsolicited
advice - its just driving a wedge between you and keeping you from
your granddaughter. You need to remember that you were unsure
of yourself when you were a new mom, and your DIL is too. Your
"advice" can be hurtful and irritating, rather than helpful.
If you really want to mend fences, you might consider going to see
your DIL and apologizing for the advice you've been giving her.
And tell her you did it out of love for your granddaughter, and not
because you meant to criticize her parenting skills. I would
also recommend that you will catch more flies with honey than with
vinegar. If you start trying to assert your "rights",
you're going to anger both your son and DIL THEY are this child's
parents, and NO ONE has rights above theirs. Read some of the
archived stories here about some of the problems DIL's have had with
MIL's after the birth of a baby. It may help you understand
your DIL's perspective better. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
It is very nice of you to want to help your DIL.
However, you should help when and if you are asked, especially when
it comes to your granddaughter. If you want to have a civil
relationship, just nod and do not interfere. If you do not,
you will not only have a bad relationship with your DIL, you will
most likely have a bad relationship with your granddaughter as well.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
Your story sounds very typical to me. You feel
that you have rights when it comes to another person's life.
However, you seem to have no clue on what another person's rights
are. Your DIL has every right to raise HER OWN CHILD in her
own way. You need to respect that. PERIOD. Your
problem seems to be a controlling issue too. What is so wrong
with her trusting her own parents' advice? THEY raised her,
not YOU! Why should she trust you just because you say so?
Does she know you, really? To be honest, you sound a little
unstable. You said a newborn shouldn't be fed through the night?
Are you insane? You had a problem with your DIL breastfeeding?
Why? Was it because YOU couldn't do it? Then you say she
should start potty training a 5 month old? Are you for real?
I wonder if you are legit, because that just sounds so far off the
mark! I would walk away from you as well. Just reading
your letter, with all those question marks and exclamation points,
made me feel overwhelmed. I can't imagine what you must be like
in person. You sound like you could benefit from some therapy.
You really need to back off of your DIL. It sounds to me like
the only crime you accuse her of is wanting to be a nurturing mother
to her child. You need to stay out of her life. You didn't
give her life. You have no rights to hers or any body else's
life. If you see them once a week, once a month, or once a year,
you should be thankful, and make the most of it. Maybe if your
DIL actually felt sincere and genuine love from you, she would want
to be around you more. You do not care one bit about her, and
it is as evident in your story - as I'm sure it is to her. Do
some serious self-evaluation and seek some counseling for controlling
a narcissistic nature.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
Umm, I really hope this is a joke - someone's parody
of a MIL. Just in case it isn't, I have a big piece of advice
for you: Run to a bookstore and buy a CURRENT book on babies.
You will find that the advice you are giving out is extremely outdated,
and goes against the mainstream. You sound very opinionated
on these issues, and I think that by being so firm with such outdated
ideas, you are turning your DIL off. I would NOT have left my
daughter with someone with those ideas - someone who was so firm about
how she was right (and all the medical evidence about breastfeeding,
among others, was wrong). You should have a role in your grandchild's
life, but you are not the mother. You need to respect her ideas
about breastfeeding and feeding on demand, which are, by the way,
backed by the American Association of Pediatricians, the World Health
Organization, and other authorities. Try to be more respectful
of her choices, and try just to be a loving grandmother, rather than
a critical MIL who thinks she should dictate how her grandchild is
raised.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with
your DIL. When I started reading your posting, I felt sorry
for you because you seem to genuinely care about your DIL and your
granddaughter. However, as I read more of what you wrote, I
began to lose sympathy for you. Just because you did things
a certain way years ago doesn't mean it is the right way today (i.e.,
years ago they put babies to sleep on their stomachs, and today that
is considered a bad idea due to SIDS!). I have had THREE children
and I breastfed all on demand. No sleeping disorders, no skinny
children. NO ONE I know has potty-trained their baby in the
first year of life. In fact, there was an article recently focusing
on how diaper companies are making bigger-sized diapers these days
because kids are not getting potty-trained as early as before.
There is no 100% right way to raise a child. I am doing the
best I know how, and I want the best for all my kids. I can't
stand my MIL. She was never one to give advice, but I wanted
her to do so because I figured it would at least showed she cared.
My MIL totally favored her daughters and their kids, and seems to
hardly care for her sons' kids. She doesn't offer to baby sit,
and gives her sons' kids inferior gifts compared to her daughters'
kids. You can try to give your DIL advice, but don't punish
her if she doesn't take it. I am sure you did the best you could
raising your son. Go ahead and let your DIL do her best.
And then she cannot blame you if she screws up. I think it is
natural for women to take more advice from their moms. Try and
be supportive without being critical. I honestly believe that
it is tougher to be a mom these days than it was 20 years ago.
Sure, today's moms have disposable diapers and VCRs and microwaves,
but there is also the message society sends that moms have to be perfect.
And there is just so much more pressure to have smarter kids and put
the kids in all these baby classes, etc. I can tell you care
for your granddaughter by your posting. But if you want a good
relationship with her, you need to bite your tongue and watch the
criticism.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
I have the MIL from hell. And while I do not
know you, I would like to make a few points that may help you with
your DIL. Point 1: It does not matter that you are right,
you MUST decide whether you want to be right, or have a relationship
with your son's family. Point 2: Like it or not, he chose
her. And if you ask him to get involved, you're going to lose.
The mom typically controls access to the grandkids. If you want
a relationship with your DIL, you're going to have to bite the bullet
and let her decide the terms of visitation (until you establish trust
with her). YOU DON"T HAVE TO LIKE IT, just do it.
Point 3: Contemplate how you view constant unsolicited advice.
It gets annoying. My MIL offers advice about everything.
Many times it is advice about things that are none of her concern,
or it is intrusive. Your intentions may be good, but if she
doesn't ask for advice, don't give it. Point 4: A girl
is usually going to have a closer relationship with her family than
with her husband's family. She trusts her parents - she doesn't
really know you. Point 5: You see yourself as super-mom.
She sees the woman that didn't teach her son to put the seat down.
Your ex-husband was probably far from perfect, but I'm willing to
bet that his mother didn't think so. Point 6: Ted Bundy
described himself as a good person. You might think your DIL
is missing the boat by not utilizing your advice, but if she isn't
taking it - and is distancing herself (and your grandchild) from you,
she doesn't think you're a great MIL. Point 7: Her Dad's
a doctor. If you were in her shoes, would you listen to your
beloved dad, or your MIL? It's not a tough call. Point
8: She is not stupid just because she doesn't take your advice.
She's the mother of your grandkids, and the woman your son chose to
spend the rest of his life with. Let your son and DIL decide
what's best for themselves and THEIR children. You raised your
kids, let them raise theirs. Point 9: Feeling sorry for
yourself benefits no one. Not even you. You're just creating
more animosity toward your DIL, and she's going sense it. Point
10: You need to PRAY VERY HARD that it isn't to late to repair
your relationship with your DIL. I know mine could cure cancer
and I still wouldn't like her. She just pushed me too far too
many times. You may think she would tell you, but she won't
- not until it's too late. If your son isn't bringing your grandchild
over, you might want to think about why. He can avoid seeing
you, not so with his wife. My MIL confronted me about taking
her son "away" from her, and we didn't see his family for
a year. I was married before to a terribly abusive man.
His mother was the greatest MIL ever. She didn't know about
the abuse until the marriage was over. Later I realized that
I was more afraid of losing her than my ex. I thought my current
MIL and I would be pals. I was wrong, and you might be to.
Think about it.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
I tried to write a response to you this morning, but
something was wrong with the computer (or web site) and it all got
lost. You surely deserve credit for being brave enough to write
to US for advice! I hope our responses help. You are truly
talking from the opposite perspective. We commiserate about
MILs who give pushy, unsolicited advice (who really likes to be given
advice, unless they ask for it? Do you?), and who aggressively
push for their "RIGHTS" with our children! I'm sorry,
already my bias is clear. I'm sure you do mean well, and that
very few MILs actually think they're bad MILs. I was going to
say: Can you remember how it was when you were an insecure,
new mom? A mom for the first time. Would you have wanted
YOUR MIL to be all over you with advice and demands for her "rights"
in regard to your baby? But you mention being divorced, and
that not having been an issue. I think maybe the way a lot of
well-meaning and essentially decent MILs go wrong IS by thinking of
their DILs as their own daughters. It's a nice thought.
But unfortunately it's more appropriate to treat her like a new friend
- someone you can't take for granted, someone you have to treat with
respect. A lot of the problems seem to be because MILs and FILs
just "let it all hang out" in front of their DILs (and SILs?)
the way they would with their own children. They give overbearing,
domineering, UNWANTED advice. That IS the way they treat their
own children, but there is a lifetime of love and familiarity there
that can't be instantly forced with your DIL. Do you care about
your DIL? It's not clear from your note - it seems like you
care more about giving your fair share of advice and asserting your
"RIGHTS" in regard to her child. Was it your right
that she had a child in the first place? What if she hadn't
even had children? I think being a grandmother is NOT a right,
but a privilege! If you care about her, and treat her with the
RESPECT and the deference that is due the child's mother (she is the
one who REALLY has the rights!), you might be surprised by her improved
attitude toward you. I know it's hard to fix a relationship
that's gotten off on the wrong foot, but it's possible.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
I wrote before, but can't stop thinking about this!
Some thoughts: 1. Even in the Bible, it said that a man
should leave his mother and go to his wife. It's just natural
for your son and DIL to want to have autonomy and live their own life
apart from you, no matter HOW GREAT a MIL you are! It's just
human nature. I bet a lot of grandmothers WISH they could see
their grandchild as often as you do! It sounds like you see
her an awful lot! It occurs to me for the first time, that it
doesn't say in the Bible, "A WOMAN should leave her mother."
Just, a MAN should leave his mother! I think there's a reason
for that. I think, with all due respect, that your son and DIL
live way too close to you for a healthy relationship. 2.
With all due respect, does your DIL WANT you to help her cook and
clean when you go to her house? It's only a help if she WANTS
it. Otherwise, it's a terrible imposition, and an insult.
If she does genuinely wants you to do it and appreciates your help,
I bet she likes you more than you think. 3. Again, with
all due respect, I know it must be hard to be a mother-in-law.
The LAST thing a young couple has time to think of is the MIL's needs
and feelings. They're busy starting a new life together - and
a new family - which pretty much takes all their energy. It's
tough, because MILs pretty much have to fend for themselves.
They can't be the center of attention when a young couple is starting
a new life! 4. Your DIL turns to her own mother for advice
because her mother has loved her ever since birth, and clearly has
your DIL's own best interests at heart. Your DIL trusts her
own mother. But her own mother has had a lifetime to earn that
trust. 5. Maybe you have a lot of experience that you'd
like to share about your own time as the mother of a baby. This
sounds hard, but it's not your DIL's job right now to make you feel
good about sharing all that. Lots of women have had babies,
and advice is a dime a dozen. And everyone has their own opinion
about what works. If you really need to pass your knowledge
along, you might need to volunteer somewhere, or do something where
there are young mothers in need of advice and mentoring - and WANT
it. Your DIL is busy dealing with all the insecurities of being
a new mother, and she should be able to get advice from whoever she
wants without hassle. Your feelings can't be the most important
thing right now. 6. I think it was disloyal of your son
to describe his wife as "jealous." She might well
feel threatened by you, but not because she's jealous. It's
because it's natural for a new family to need some space, and she
doesn't trust you (I'm guessing!) to give their new little family
the space and autonomy they need. 7. You don't need to
waste your time being jealous of her parents either. If you
could be supportive of their relationship (which sounds quite good),
maybe you'd all end up being friends. If you had a daughter,
she'd probably come to YOU for advice - a lot more than her mother-in-law!
Don't you think? 8. I'm sorry this sounds so harsh.
I meant to be kind. It's brave of you to write to this web site
because these are the EXACT problems that push our buttons all the
time. You can see how WE see things in a "twisted"
way, and we can see how you do. I guess the evolved thing would
be if we could help each other? I do think it must be awfully
hard being a MIL. Out of curiosity, how WOULD you define a "bad"
MIL?
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
My wife and I have problems with my mother overstepping
her boundaries. When my wife read your letter to me, I just
had to respond. You make my mother look like an angel!
You do not want a relationship with your DIL. You want to control
your son and his family's lives. I also cannot believe you are
complaining about seeing your granddaughter less than once a week.
I was exhausted just reading your demands. Also, who wouldn't
want to take their mother's advice over their MIL's? You didn't.
My parent's were divorced, and my mother still had contact with my
grandmother on my father's side. So, do not even try to use
divorce as your excuse. I'm not as kind as the other women on
here, so I don't have a problem saying that you are crazy! Well,
you made my day. Thank God I don't have it as bad as your son.
Think about what you are doing to him, his family, and his marriage.
From the sounds of your letter, I doubt you even care.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
Oh wow, are you really looking for advice? First
of all, you have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to tell your DIL how to raise
that child. That is HER child, so butt out. For your information,
breastfeeding on demand, and exclusively, is actually good for kids.
I know when you had infants they probably told you that schedules
are necessary, but did you know that breastfeeding every 4 hours can
actually lead to failure to thrive in many babies? Breast milk
takes much longer to digest, and it's also produced as it's needed.
The less often you nurse, the less milk you have! Do some research
and you'll find that your DIL and her mom are right. Your DIL
knows what she is doing. Leave her alone. And also, visiting
as OFTEN as they do (you said barely once a week?). I'd think you'd
be grateful to see your granddaughter that much! What do you
expect? Daily? That's not "rarely", that's visiting
a lot! So my advice is to back off and respect your DIL as the
mother of her child. I'm sorry to be so touchy, but I read your
post and saw the kind of treatment I'm dealing with from my overbearing,
smothering, "knows best" grandmother. And the worst
part is, SHE thinks she's right too! I really feel for your
DIL. And if you want to have a good relation with her, and help
your son's new, little family, you have to back off and start leaving
your DIL alone!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 2-AUG-01
WOW, your point of view is most likely exactly the
way my MIL would view her relationship with me. In fact, if
it wasn't for a few things you said, I might actually think that you
are my MIL. My MIL has always bought me expensive presents,
which I do not appreciate. She, like you, thinks that, because
they are expensive, I should like them. Personally, I find out
what a person likes before I buy them a gift. I don't give them
what I would appreciate, but what THEY will appreciate. You
mentioned baby-sitting. Baby-sitting would be appreciated if
it was to help the parents. I was pressured almost straight
after the birth to leave my baby with my MIL. I believe in attachment
parenting, and took my baby everywhere with me. My MIL was offended
at this, and took it as a personal insult, even though no one else
was allowed to baby sit my baby either. Also, the desire to
baby-sit was all about fulfilling HER needs, not about helping me
or my child. You mentioned advice giving, in particular about
breastfeeding. My MIL gave copious amounts of unsolicited advice.
No, I didn't value it or listen to it. . Yes, I listened
to MY mother. Yes I read a lot of books and made an informed
decision to breastfeed on demand. NO, my baby did not have sleep
problems. If you have unrealistic expectations of a baby, then
perhaps you would have said that both my babies had sleep problems.
YES, I am aware that you can leave a baby to cry to make them sleep
through the night. However, the reality is that they are not
sleeping, they are NOT CRYING, and why is that? It is because
they have learnt that there is no point in crying if they are cold,
hungry wet or scared, because their mum doesn't care enough about
them to meet their most basic needs.
Like my MIL you seem to have a large ego that makes you think that,
because you have been a mother, you know all there is to know about
mothering. My mother bottle-fed her children, but has no problems
with me doing things differently. Why is it that some women
are so threatened if their DIL does things differently? Do you
think that to acknowledge that we are good mothers is to say that
you were a bad mother? My MIL, like you, had all the answers
regarding my children's allergies. The doctors and I found the
cure, but she disagrees. At the start, she denied that they
had any allergies and told me that they were just upset or tired.
After my son had an attack which swelled his eyes shut, he was diagnosed
and given medicine. At a later date, he started to have an attack,
and my MIL tried to physically stop me giving him his medication,
because she didn't think that there was anything wrong with him.
Basically, I think you have to realize that the only expert on a particular
child is that child's MOTHER. Every child is different, and
bringing up my children does not entitle me to think that I know it
all about my DILs children. PS, you mentioned helping out around
the house. WHAT a NO NO. My house is my castle, and just
as I would never dream of turning up at a person's house and taking
over the cooking or cleaning, I am outraged when my MIL walks in as
though she owns the place and tries to take over. If I asked
for help, or she offered and I accepted, FINE, that is different.
Otherwise, that is a very patronizing thing to do. We DIL's
are adults, NOT children who have untidy rooms. We don't want
to be MOTHERED, we want to be treated as the adults we are.
I am so like your DIL, I probably am her. I hope this helps
you see things thru your DIL's eyes. You certainly have described
my MIL's feelings on the issue.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 4-AUG-01
While it seems like you are sincerely trying to help
your DIL, I can understand why she is annoyed with you from what you
have written. First of all, as a new mom, she is very insecure
with her new role as a mother. Although you may feel that you
are offering her advice from your own experiences, she may see it
as criticism that she is not doing a good job as a mom. Maybe,
instead of blurting out your "expert" wisdom, you can ask
her how things are going. And if she mentions a problem and
asks your opinion, you can then offer some advice. My MIL LOVES
to offer her unwanted advice. It may be well meaning, but it
makes me feel like she is giving me the advice because she thinks
I am stupid. I even get irritated with my OWN mother when she
smothers me with unwanted advice. When I want advice, I will
ask for it. As far as the 1-2 hr feedings, if I am not mistaken,
BF babies need to be fed more often than formula babies. That
may be why your DIL feeds the baby so often. In terms of your
DIL seeking her parents' advice over yours, it is just human nature
to seek guidance from your own parents, even if you have a good relationship
with your MIL. My father happens to be a pediatrician, and my
mother used to be a peds/ob nurse. When I have children, there
is no question about it, I will be seeking baby advice from my parents.
They are, in my opinion, experts in this area out of personal experience
and through their careers. My MIL has no health care background,
and often suggests ignorant and dangerous holistic therapies that
she reads about in books written by people who are not certified.
There is NO way I am going to seek my MIL's advice. She brags
that she raised two healthy boys, and because of this, she has a self-righteous
attitude that she is the goddess of child rearing! I hate to
say it, but her attitude just makes me reject her advice (whether
good or bad) even more. I admit that my MIL's kids turned out
great, but she is not the ONLY one who managed to raise great kids.
Also, another thing to think about - you mentioned that you were a
divorced, inexperienced mom. Well, as you see, you raised a
fine son. You learned on your own, through your own mistakes
and triumphs, how to be a good mother. Your DIL needs to do
the same. Offer your advice when asked, otherwise just offer
your support. I can tell that you want a good relationship with
your DIL and that you dearly love your new grandchild, but your need
to work on your communication skills. You may be coming off
gruff and bossy to your DIL, even though you do not mean it.
When you mentioned the potty training incident, I actually felt bad
for your DIL, because once again, you were making her feel inadequate.
I too am afraid of leaving my MIL alone with my future children.
My MIL is sooooo stubborn, and she thinks she is always right.
You know, times have changed. They have done research on certain
topics. And when I try to enlighten my MIL about stuff like
that, she resents it and says I am being silly and making it up.
Well, I myself am a health care professional, and I resent the fact
that she writes me off as being "stupid" when I am talking
about healthcare topics. So, I know that if I leave her alone
with my child, she will not do as I wish because of her attitude.
That is probably why your DIL is afraid to leave you alone with her
baby. She knows from experience that you have rejected her ideas
and values about child rearing. And that if you have the opportunity,
you will do what YOU want to do, ignoring her wishes. Her feelings
are justified. Just remember that if you hover or push too much,
you will cause your DIL to resent you. Actually, it was wrong
of your son to tell you that his wife is jealous of you. I think
he has mistaken her behavior as a nervous new mom with jealousy.
Actually, it kind of sounds like you are jealous of your DIL's parents.
So what if DIL's dad is a doctor???? Do YOU have an MD next
to your name??? I too would be more likely to seek advice from
a doctor over a person without a healthcare background. It isn't
such a strange idea. A lot of people seek health advice from
their doctor, why shouldn't your DIL seek health advice from her dad
(who just happens to be a doctor) for her baby? Please don't
wave the whole "RIGHTS" thing in your DILs face. That
is a sure way for her to resent you even more. If you continue
being so stubborn and smothering, you will continue to grow farther
apart from your DIL, your son, and your new grandbaby. I may
have been blunt on this response, but you asked for objective advice.
Please don't take what I said the wrong way, but instead, use it to
help better your DIL-MIL relationship. Best of luck. I
truly hope things work out for you.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 4-AUG-01
My advice, if you want to be able to see your granddaughter,
is to stop giving the advice. Let her come and ask you for advice
if she wants it. It is very normal for a girl to take her mother's
advice over her MIL's. You said yourself, "And when I was
young and inexperienced, I turned to my mother for advice."
You turned to your mother, not your MIL. Yes, you mentioned
you were divorced, but I would bet that, had you been married, you
would have gone to your mom still! Personally, I nearly laughed
while reading your post. It just didn't seem like it could be
for real. You potty trained at 5 months?? First of all,
WHY?? Isn't toilet training easier when the child can get to
the toilet alone? Why would you train a child who cannot even
walk yet? And not feeding a baby at night? How old of
a baby are we talking about? Babies need to be fed when they
are hungry, not when it is convenient to you. Just so you know,
she was right to ignore your advice. It was all really wrong.
She must be a really smart girl! I do not trust my children
with my MIL, either. See, when someone dislikes you so much,
you have to worry about what they will fill your child's head with.
Or, you wonder if they hurt the child to get back at you? That
has happened to me with my ILs. So, no, they do not see my children
unsupervised. So, take my advice and stop giving your DIL your
advice until she asks. And then things should be much more comfortable
for you both. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
I think you are being completely irrational.
You are BLAMING your DIL, but you keep using the word "they".
"They" would be your son and his wife, correct? Your
son is a grown man with his own family now. Your son is not
helpless and at his wife's mercy here. "They" are
deciding together what's best for their child. You see things
have changed in the last 30 years when it comes to taking care of
babies. It sounds like you are trying to force your opinions.
Do you really believe that you are treating your DIL with respect?!
You said you treat your DIL as you would your own daughter.
Well, if in saying that you mean that you expect her take every bit
of your advice and do what you want her to, let me say this:
YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. It is only natural for a woman to go
to her own mother for advice. After all, this is the woman that
raised her. And no, you don't know that she is taking all of
her mother's advice. Yes, there are a lot of good books out
there for new parents, written by EXPERTS in the field of medicine
and child care. You need to simmer down and back off.
Stop forcing yourself on your DIL. Be reasonable and take their
needs in their marriage and their own family into consideration.
By the way, it is completely insane to force potty training on a child
this young. THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR BLADDER AND BOWELS
AT THIS AGE.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
I think it's unrealistic of you to expect your DIL
to, in effect, take sides between you and her mother. If, when
you had your son, your MIL had come in and contradicted everything
that your mother said (and probably what your pediatrician said too),
would you have listened to her? I doubt it. Your DIL is
not doing anything wrong in the way that she is raising her baby.
If you want to have a positive relationship with her and with your
granddaughter, stop criticizing everything that she does. What
you are doing is not only criticizing her, you are criticizing her
mother. That's wrong.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
Although I have strong feelings about this subject,
I'm not going to go into the "grandparent's rights" issues,
as I don't have any kids of my own. Just remember that it was
THEIR baby way before being your grandchild. However, I will
comment on your DIL's relationship with her mother. I have had
terrible gynecological health problems over the last year. And
whilst having the most supportive, understanding husband in the world,
there have been many occasions when all I wanted was my mother's advice,
support and unconditional love - that only a close mum can provide.
Your DIL is obviously very close to her mum too, and has the same
outlook. The last person I would seek the advice from about
personal issues is my MIL. We are not that close. She
doesn't know me personally, know my history, and certainly doesn't
know how I'm feeling. Having had a child, your DIL is naturally
turning to her own mother for advice and help. If I ever had
a baby (unlikely), I would do the same. I don't think you should
stir up trouble simply because your DIL has a close, loving relationship
with her mother which you can't break into.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
Let's see, you want your DIL to raise her children
based on your life experiences. You tell her what to do and
she doesn't do it. You potty trained your kids early and demand
that she does the same. She took a doctor's advice over yours.
You sound like a pushy old broad trying to compete with everybody.
Every child is different. Weight gain isn't a competition.
Potty training isn't a competition. Forcing your DIL to do things
your way won't make you the winner. You said you turned to your
mother for child rearing advice. She is doing the same.
YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER! Everybody involved has their own life
experiences. They are just as valid as yours. Stop trying
to compete. Stop trying to treat her as your own daughter.
She's not. She never will be. Your DIL doesn't trust you
with the baby. Why should she? You sound like you are
chomping at the bit to get that baby alone and to do things "your
way." Your son and DIL want to have their own experiences.
They don't want to relive yours. There's no reason why they
should. And, please stop talking about your "RIGHTS".
You have none. Your access to your granddaughter is whatever
the parents decide. In a few states there are laws to enforce
"Grandparent's Rights". If you live in one of those
states, you might have to take your son and DIL to court. And
I believe the best you could hope for are heavily supervised
visitations. Is this what you really want? My advice is
to lighten up and enjoy your granddaughter for what she is, and MYOB.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
You should just accept that fact that your DIL does
have a closer relationship to her own mother, and naturally she does
take her own mother's advice over yours. This doesn't mean that
your opinion is not valid. But you shouldn't take it personally.
Also, you may think you are trying to "help", but without
knowing it, you may be overbearing and invading your son and his wife's
territory on parenthood. Sure, I bet there are things that they
do that you do not agree with. But, as long as they are not
harming the baby, you should let them be parents. Remember,
you had your chance at child-bearing and raising. This is not
your second chance. This is time for you to be a "grandmother",
not a second mother. And, do not take it personally that your
DIL is closer to her mom than she is to you. I bet your son
is closer to his mother (you) than he is to his mother-in-law, and
I bet you don't see that being a problem. It's the same thing.
You may not be a bad MIL, but you may be overbearing or overly controlling
in the name of, "I want the best for my son and grandchild".
Your son is grown up, and has his own family, which consist of his
wife, and the baby. Don't consume yourself so much with frustration
because your DIL is not listening to what you say. Respect her
boundaries and you get on with your life. Enjoy being a grandmother,
but always know that that is who you are, and let your son and DIL
be the parents they want to be. You will be appreciated more
that way.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
It sounds to me like you are a typical MIL.
YOU don't think you are bad, but you resent it that your DIL doesn't
take your advice. Don't you think you DIL's father, who is a
DOCTOR, knows just a little bit more than you do? It is people
like you (and my own MIL) that make me sick. Why do you always
have to put your 2 cents worth in? If you people would just
butt out and not give advice unless it is asked for, everyone could
live in harmony. It's always the same thing - the poor MIL thinks
SHE is being victimized, when the truth of the matter is that she
can't control the situation and can't stand that loss of control.
Well, get used to it, because your son has chosen a wife, and she
has 50% control and he has the other 50%. You are just along
for the ride!!!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
Um. There is a reason that the Supreme Court
ruled against so-called "grandparent's rights". THE
RIGHTS OF THE PARENTS COME FIRST!!!!! And your DIL is the PARENT
- and MOTHER of her OWN child!!!! What part of that don't you
understand?! There is no such thing as "grandparent's rights"
lady. And the sooner you realize this, the better off you'll
be. You seem so concerned about forcing your opinion on your
DIL that you are oblivious that you are alienating her completely.
You are setting up the patterns for a future relationship with her,
which is not going to be good. If your DIL wants to take advice
only from her mother, or from SANTA CLAUS for cripes sake, it is HER
prerogative! My suggestion to you is to let her raise HER child
the way she wants. Be supportive, and you will have a good relationship
with her, your son, and your grandchild. But, if you continue
to power trip, you will be left alone. Take it from me - my
own MIL is completely alone after her behavior (which, incidentally,
was just like yours). Now her own son won't have anything to
do with her, and she'll never see her grandchildren. In my opinion,
you're a fool if you don't see the light and find some gentleness
and acceptance in your heart. STOP the game-playing, emotional
demands, and power-tripping before it's too late!!
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
Before giving unwanted advice, try picking up a modern
book on babies. Feeding schedules like you suggested, every
four hours, have led to failure to thrive in babies (if you don't
know what that is, then you shouldn't be giving advice). Your
DIL is right to feed on demand. Babies should not be given table
food before 6 months, if then. She is right to listen to a doctor's
advice over yours. And potty training a 5 month old infant is
ridiculous. You will have a much better relationship with your
DIL, son, and grandbaby if you educate yourself, and learn to only
give advice when asked. It sounds like your DIL is doing a great
job with the baby. Maybe if you spent more time telling her
that, instead of telling her what she's doing wrong, she would warm
up to you. Instead of wasting time demonizing people on message
boards, go to a book store and read some books on child development
-- books written after 1965.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
I hope this is some sort of joke!!! If you don't
realize you are totally out of line, you are giving all of our horror
stories about MIL's even more merit.
RESPONSE: Not A Bad MIL
Posted: 6-AUG-01
I hate to tell you this, but the AAP recommends exclusive
breastfeeding for the first 6 months, And breastfed babies really
do need to be fed on demand, because breastmilk is digested very rapidly.
Nursing a baby every 4 hours will result in a diminished milk supply
and a very hungry, possible malnourished baby. Your DIL probably
did read this in a book, probably in several (read anything by Dr.
Sears if you want to confirm this). And she probably heard this
as well from her pediatrician. Her mom is right. It sounds
like you are more interested in "being right" (even when
you are not) than having a good relationship with DIL. Why don't
you trust your DIL to take care of her baby the way she sees fit (which
is the RIGHT way, unlike yours!). Just relax and enjoy your
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