My boyfriend and I have
been together for years now, and his mother was alright at first,
but is now a curse on our relationship. She constantly claims
that I verbally abuse her son (my boyfriend) all the time. Even
if I did, which I don't, it is none of her business, because she has
no idea what these arguments are even about. She still treats
me like I am not part of THEIR family, and never includes me in most
anything. The other day she went completely crazy on me and
started throwing things around and calling me names, because she thought
that I said something to her son that she did not like. She
treats him like a 12 year old slave, and I am so tired of it that
I have become a very depressed person. What should I do? 12/28
signed - She Treats Him
Like A 12 Year Old Slave
Well, as so many others
on this board state, there are so many incidents, where do I begin?
The last major stunner of this year was during a week where I was
moving the household, on my own, to Germany to be with my Army husband
who had been there for four months already. Well, MIL decided
she would come to "help." The week was going along suprisingly
ok, until she decided to take my 12 year old daughter shopping.
She acted really weird when I said I'd go along, so I said, ok, I'll
just stay home, thinking nothing of it. I go to pick them all
up three hours later, and she had gone and had my daughter's ears
pierced without my permission. I was greatly upset, since I
didn't want her to get them pierced in the first place. I asked
her if she had to sign any parental consent forms, and she said, "Sure,
I just signed it myself!" She went on to say that she did
it to please my daughter, and didn't think it was any "big deal."
This all during a week when I was stressed out and extremely busy
and frantic with a move. To date, she still doesn't think it
was any big deal, and claims I'm making something out of nothing.
To me, taking my place and signing a parental consent form for ANYTHING
is a big deal. It's just one example of her total lack of respect
for my parental authority, and her desire to still "be the mom." 12/28
signed - Had it in Germany.
Hi. I enjoy your
site, and want to pass on some hope to those who feel trapped in a
hurtful relationship with their in-laws. I have had real problems
with mine since I first met them 13 years ago. The last 3 years,
however, have been much better because the power base has shifted.
I am very fair minded, and despite what they did I would turn the
other cheek and continue to do my very best to win their respect.
3 years ago I decided that enough was enough. I stopped caring
what they thought. I ignored them when their behavior was unacceptable,
and I refused to give in when I was being manipulated. The hardest
part was knowing the negative effect this would have on my DH.
However, he is 32 and a big boy. The results speak for themselves.
They are not used to being said no to, but the power is now in MY
hands because they have no emotional hold over me anymore, because
I no longer care what they think!
I feel GREAT. 12/16
signed - Changing The Power
Base
RESPONSE: Changing the power base
Hurray for you Girlfriend! I am in the same boat as you, and
did the SAME exact thing. I just told myself ... "NO MORE".
And it's such a good feeling! My IL's no longer call us, and
we don't see them nearly as much ... therefore DH and I do not fight
nearly as much as we used to. I feel so liberated!!! It's
sad that things have to be this way, but it has to be for our marriage
to survive! My IL's are nasty and rude people in general and
have no friends or family that go around them. You reap what
you sow ... and that's their problem! Congrats to you for sticking
up for yourself! 12/18 RESPONSE: Changing the Power Base
It was great to read your comments. I wish and hope that I,
too, may reach the point you have. At the moment, my relationship
with a cold, vindictive MIL who will not fully accept me as my husband's
second wife, is tearing me apart - for my own sake, but also for the
sake of my husband and our two year old son. It all came to
a head just under two years ago with a huge confrontation between
MIL and myself, during which I spent most of the time in tears, with
her slinging every accusation at me she could think of. I ended
up scooping up my son and running from the house in floods of tears.
My husband supports me totally but cannot confront her about her behavior.
It looks as though the situation is going to end in a complete breakdown
between us and my husband's family (his brother & family have
taken sides with MIL). My husband insists that if this is the
way it has to be, then so be it. But how do I live with being
the cause of blowing his family apart, albeit unintentionally?
MIL has put us through hell with her continued favoritism towards
the ex-wife & child, yet her disapproval and criticism still have
the power to hurt me beyond reason. Even more ridiculous, I
feel so guilty that I have brought this about through trying to talk
to her about the way her behavior was making us feel! I hope
that one day I will be able to disconnect my emotions from the pain
of this situation. 12/18 RESPONSE: Changing the power base
Good for you. But can you tell me what to do if your husband
does not think that what you are doing is right, when he will insist
on seeing his parents even if you don't want to? Need help on
this one. 12/19
signed - Changing The Power
Base - But What To DO?
RESPONSE From Poster: Changing the power base but what
to do.
Hi. I'm the original poster. It certainly is hard when
the DH doesn't understand, or does understand but, understandably,
doesn't want to cut his family entirely. I would never expect
him to cut his family entirely, but I do expect him to accept that
the consequences of their actions is that I will want to see as little
as possible of them. In the case of our children, once they
are old enough to visit my outlaws without me, that is exactly what
will be happening. My husband doesn't like this, and wants us
to be a family when visiting. I said he should appreciate the
fact that I am always polite to his family when I see them, and that
I am no longer prepared to suffer for his sake. It is an unreasonable
request. He has accepted it unhappily, but at least I'm not
saying it's me or them, which would be very destructive. The
reality is that he wants me with him to make it easier for him.
He fights all the time with my FIL, and his Mum is always complaining.
I just sit back and let them do the damage themselves. When
he visits, all they do is complain that they don't see enough of the
grandkids. Their tactics simply push him away, 'cause nothing
he does is ever good enough. 12/20 RESPONSE: Changing the power base
Hi. This is What To DO. I would like to visit my in-laws,
and to gloss over their deficits, only telling DH about the major
problems, so that he can, in turn, tell them not to repeat the mistakes,
or whatever. BUT, he doesn't think that if she is insultingly
rude or has a vulgar crude sense of humor, is cheap, is totally unfair,
or any such thing, I ought to complain! He feels she can do
no wrong, even if he sees her doing it, because the poor woman has
to suffer my persecution, and he needs to be good to her to compensate.
His sole response is that I should stop seeing his family while he
spends half his life with them. He doesn't try to solve anything,
but refuses to give weight to the fact that he has married me.
Oh well, this won't help. I have to figure out something more
constructive than complaining about her. Wish me luck. 12/21 RESPONSE: Changing the power base
I have just about reached the same point. I am so tired of the
backstabbing and the "favors" we don't even ask them to
do for us held over our heads. My husband is reluctant to do/say
anything about it (well, dealing with problems head on is not really
something learned in an alcoholic family). But I am fed up with
telling him that he can stop that cycle and he can learn to have a
diplomatic confrontation. After all, they're his family.
Now, I tell him, "Fine -- ignore it -- but don't expect me to
tolerate it." I left my family, who have been great to
us, and all my friends, to move 1700 miles away and put up with this
crap? Don't think so! Now that I have pulled my head out
of my a** and have the backbone, things look a lot better. I'm
finishing school and going back up north -- AND THAT'S THAT!! 12/28
Its not my MIL that annoys
me. Its my Grandmother-in-law! I can't say I dislike her.
She's just weird. My DH told me that she's been telling him
lies, and been a general pain in the *** from as far back as he can
remember. At one point in his life, DH's dad was out of work.
Dear old granny told him this was because his father was an alcoholic
and spent all his time and money down at the pub! LIE!!
She's also very nosey. She went through DH's Uncle's desk drawer
and read his mail!!
She and DH's grandfather are always dying of something, and they always
have to tell us how much money they have. She also interferes
with the me and the kids. While house-sitting for MIL and FIL,
she came over and proceeded to tell me that I hung the washing out
on the line the wrong way, and that the dishes weren't done.
When my son was born, his ears stuck out a little ... she wanted to
tape them back! Thank God they bounced back on their own.
She never liked the fact that we had our son out of wedlock, either,
but when we announced our wedding plans she said, "Well, what's
the point? You've done it all backwards." 2 weeks
after announcing our wedding plans, we announced the coming of our
2nd baby. She said, "Haven't you ever heard of condoms?"
The thing is, is that when the kids are born she's wonderful to them.
That's something I can't knock her for. 12/27
signed - ACK!! It's The
GrandMother-In-Law
RESPONSE: ACK! It's the Grandmother in law
My husband's grandmother gets on my nerves, too. I am currently
pregnant with my second child, due in February. During Christmas
dinner she said, "I hope the weather isn't bad when you go into
labor! You might end up giving birth at home or in your car!"
At first I thought she was joking, but she was totally serious!
I told her, "Millions of babies are born every winter, and we
only live 20 minutes from the hospital, so don't worry." What
was the purpose of her trying to scare me like that? Doesn't
she think that I have enough on my mind already? I tried to
chalk it up to just being old (she's 75) but my own grandmother, who
is 90, would never make such idiotic statements. Being elderly
does not justify being rude. The next time your grandmother-in-law
starts in with you, respectfully and intelligently give it right back
to her. You are NO ONE'S doormat! 12/28 RESPONSE: ACK! It's the Grandmother in law
I hear you. My DH and I also had our daughter 3 years before
we married. The first time I met his grandmother, she acted
like I dirtied her "boyfriend" (her pet name for him).
She and his mother, (her daughter) both acted like it was my fault,
even though he told them he doesn't recall putting on a condom.
His mother even told him to take a DNA test before the baby was born.
He said no, that he knows it's his and she just needs to accept the
idea that she was going to be a grandmother. Anyway, we three
ladies went to the store, and gmil told me to make sure I put on my
seat belt, because if anything happened to me, they sure weren't going
to take care of my baby (who at that time was maybe 4 months old).
I already had my seat belt on, but I really felt like throwing it
off at that point. gmil and mil both made a point to tell me
I ruined my dh's life because he just turned 22 a week after she was
born, and I am older, and have two other children, therefore I must
be a harlot. Hey biddies, he chased me. So there.
PPPLLLLTTTT!!!! 12/28
Wifely duties ... In a
somewhat recent argument with her youngest daughter (who is my best
friend), my MIL brought up the daughter's desire to move in with me
and her son. She said we didn't need it because she was already
worried about us ... You see ... I work night shifts at a residential
care facility. I haven't received my CNA training yet, so nights
work best for me. She's been hinting at me for some time that
my boss would switch me to days if I only asked. I keep telling
her that nights work. That I sleep while my DH is at work, and
I'm awake when he's at home. And, since I work two days on and
two days off with every other weekend off, I have plenty of time to
spend with my DH. But she keeps pressing me with the idea of
moving to days. She even talks about it with our co-workers,
who have, in turn, asked me why I won't switch to days. I finally
found out what was behind all this ... In her argument with my SIL,
she said she was worried that my DH's "physical needs" were
not being taken care of. In other words, she thought he wasn't
getting enough sex simply because I was working nights! Next
time she brought that subject up to my SIL, my SIL told her exactly
what I would have ... Sex doesn't only happen at night! I was
so furious over this whole thing. My husband and I discussed
it for days before I calmed down. And, since she hasn't said
anything to us directly, we'll leave it alone. But if she ever
does, then I'll tell her exactly what I think ... mind your own business! 12/27
signed - Mind Your Own
Business About Wifely Duties
RESPONSE: Mind your own business about wifely duties
I will always love that story...hehehe 12/28
I
asked my wife, this year, when her parents were going to get a drive-thru
window for the holidays. 12/26
signed - Drive-Thru
Window
RESPONSE: "Drive through window":
In our case, we would have to make the glass bullet proof, and soundproof!!!!
We live in a very quiet neighborhood. FIL was driving down our
street in his wannabe sports car, sunroof open, all windows down,
waving his hands, and yelling "It's a beautiful day," while
we were in our front yard. He was still a couple of houses down
... it was so embarrassing J 12/27
Among
my MIL's many intrusions in our lives, is that she saw fit to comment
on my grooming. In my line of work I need to be pretty clean
cut, and I wear a buzz-cut because I wake up early and don't have
time to mess around in the morning.
So when I learned we would have to spend another gut-wrenching Christmas
with my in-laws, I grew a beard and got another short hair cut.
It got the desired response from MIL. I responded in kind.
"Don't like beards?" I asked. "No I don't,"
dear MIL said. "Don't grow one," I replied. 12/26
signed - Don't Grow
A Beard
RESPONSE: "Don't grow a beard":
I bet she didn't know what to say back, {{{chuckle}}}. Excellent
response! 12/27
Yet another holiday ruined
by my outlaws: About 3 weeks ago I had notified my FIL that we would
not be attending the full Xmas festivities. Because my great-grandmother
is almost 90 and is very ill and failing by measures, and it will
be very surprising if she is around next Xmas. I wanted her
to have Xmas with my daughter who is not yet a year old. I told
him we would stop by earlier in the day and drop off their presents
and spend time with them. He was fine about this. Fast
forward to Xmas, my FIL neglected to tell my Step-MIL about this.
We showed up, baby and gifts in hand, she was shocked. My FIL
spent the 8 minutes that we were there covering his a** with his wife,
while she rushed about saying, "Can't stop cleaning now.
You guys are ruining X-mas. You'll miss all the food.
Uncle Terry will miss you." She would not stop to unwrap
her gift, nor even look at us. The temperature in that house
dropped 20 degrees, I swear. My husband and I looked at each
other and we started to re-suit up the baby and left. Any advice
on how to handle this? 12/27
signed - We Just Left
This year, for vacation,
I was roped into going on a trip with the MIL and SIL, and our children.
The MIL and SIL are very tight ... I can't get close to either one
of them for this reason. They are stuck together like glue.
Well, I don't drive well at night, so I asked the MIL if we could
take turns and have someone help me, since I knew they would be in
the van ahead of me, and I would be by myself with my girls.
Do you know what she did? She bought my husband a one-way ticket,
and flew him down so he could drive me back. She made sure all
the family and her friends knew what she did, because she is just
such a thoughtful person. One more thing to throw in my face. 12/27
signed - God Forbid You
Separate Them
My MIL is always meddling
in everyone's business, and she will do anything to reach her goal.
One time, she asked me to call my SIL's boyfriend up and pretend I
was from a company trying to sell blocks of college tuition (she wanted
to know if his reply would be that he was already enrolled ... since
he knocked up her daughter and they had twins). Although he
wasn't good enough to marry, she wanted to make sure her grandchildren
were being taken care of. When I told her I wouldn't do it,
because that made me feel uncomfortable, it caused a big family fight,
and my FIL called to tell me and my husband that we needed to find
a new daycare provider for my then 6 month old daughter. I had
to use my boss' 13 year old kid (how could I say no to my boss) and
my daughter was poorly cared for for several days ... I hate her for
that, and I will never forget it.
It has been 6 years now, and I can never tell her how I feel, because
my children will suffer for it. She is always right, and I am
always wrong. I'd venture to say, one of these days she's gonna
get her well deserved earful, but for now I'm biting my tongue, because
I don't want my girls to suffer. 12/27
signed - Stuck In DIL Hell
My wife and I had decided
that there would no longer be any Christmas travels. My wife
was 8 months pregnant with our first child. Her family was welcome
to spend Christmas with us, but they would have to do the traveling.
They decided to come to our place for Christmas one year. The
rest of the family decided that they would too. My wife prepared
all the meals ahead of time and put them in the freezer. When
meal times came, she put the main dish in the oven and we had great
meals. She also had arranged to borrow a travel trailer which
we parked in the back yard for additional sleeping accommodations.
We were house-sitting for a friend, and put my mother-in-law and father-in-law
there. Everything was planned out and prepared for.
The night before they were all to go home, my mother-in-law and father-in-law
were heading out for the night. I usually tried to give my wife
and her mother space when they wanted to talk. They were out on the
front lawn talking and I was in the living room watching TV.
I started hearing the volume increasing on the front lawn. I
waited for it to die down, but it only increased. I got up and
went outside. My mother-in-law was yelling at my wife.
I told her that she had said enough. She told me that it was
none of my business and that I should shut up and go inside.
I informed her that it was my business, because I was charged with
the responsibility of protecting my wife, and that at that moment
she was a threat to my wife. She said that she was her mother
and that I was just an outsider and should stay out of it. I
told her that she was no longer my wife's closest kin - not any more.
When we got married I became her closest kin. I told her that
if she wanted to have a civil conversation she could stay, but if
she was going to yell at my wife she would have to leave. She
looked at my wife and said with a pout, "Well, I guess you just
don't need me anymore."
They left town the next day without saying good-bye. 12/16
signed - Stay Civil Or
Go
RESPONSE: Stay Civil Or Go
Your wife is so lucky that you have a spine! You are also correct
that a husband and wife DO comprise a family - which does not include
the parents. Oh, and it looks like you won't have to visit with
those ILs again for a while, partly because now you have a good excuse
to not invite them! 12/17 RESPONSE: stay civil or go
All I have to say is, see you later to that old hag! ... Don't
feel bad. Maybe she will be like my mother in-law and just quit
coming to visit! 12/22 RESPONSE: To "Stay civil or go":
The world needs more men like you! 12/24 RESPONSE: Stay Civil or Go
All I can say is, God Bless you. I wish my husband would stand
up for me like that! You're so right on about protecting her
... I don't care how far advanced this world gets, I hope that is
always one of the basics.
Do you have a brother? (just kidding). 12/27
My husband and I (both
in our mid to late 30's) live in Germany because my husband is in
the military. We applied for a credit card on-line and used
my in-law's address because the computer would not accept our APO
military address. Well, the card arrived at my in-law's and
my mother-in-law threw it away because she didn't want her son to
have a credit card. How meddlesome is this??? To make
matters worse, my husband won't confront her because he doesn't want
to "fight" with his mother. HELP!!! 12/27
signed - Why Are There
Three People In This Marriage?
My
MIL is MIL (mentally ill), clinically depressed. That's not
the problem. The problem is my FIL (who I think has become mentally
ill), is too naive, or not all that quick enough, to find her the
proper treatment. He's always believed that she's better off
at home all day, just watching TV, then going out and playing Bingo
once or twice a week, instead of seeking an adult day care.
Did I mention that my MIL has had this issue for 30 YEARS??!!
OK, MIL is home all day. No stimulation. Except: THE PHONE.
When my wife and I lived in the same state, my MIL often would call
daily, sometimes more than once. One time, she even called while
my wife and I were being intimate. Worst thing my MIL got was
a cordless phone. She didn't have to get out of bed to be annoying.
Cutting to the chase, within our first year of marriage, my MIL would
call (in addition to the other times) every Friday night at 5:00 p.m.,
wanting to know what plans my wife and I had: where we were going
to go, what we were going to do, who we were going to see, what were
we going to eat. My wife had to delay our weekends while she
gave MIL the run-down.
OK, fine. But THEN, MIL would call 10 a.m., Sunday, set your
watch by it, to find out where we went, what we did, who we saw, what
we ate. A private kind-of-guy, I told my wife, "This has
to stop. Now."
It did. 12/26
signed - No Stimulation.
Except: THE PHONE
Well, let's see here, my
EX-MIL was the queen of mean. I come from a small town and grew
up in another state where I meet my ex-wife. From the beginning
my MIL had to have control. And then Christmas of '96 she laid
the straw that broke this camel's back. We never allowed my
son to drink soda because it gave him real bad gas and made him sick.
So I was telling my Ex-MIL a story about how my father thought up
something I thought was clever. My son, 2 at the time, wanted
some of my dad's soda. But like I said, we did not allow him
to have it, so my dad emptied his soda in a cup and filled the bottle
with water and gave to my son. Well, when I told my ex-MIL this
story, she got in my face screaming at me that my stupid redneck father
was going to make her grandson into an alcoholic, and that if it was
up to my family he would be a complete loser. Well, at that
point I looked at my ex-wife and gave her the "say something
quick, or else" look, and she just shrugged her shoulders.
At that point, I turned into anti-SIL and said, "Would you please
just let me have a moment's peace? It's freakin' Christmas."
Well, we all know how that would go over, so that ended up the quietest
Christmas in my life. 12/26
signed - The Anti-SIL
Is there such a thing as
too nice? My MIL has recently moved from another state to the
town where we live. She did this because she had a huge falling
out with her daughter, ex-husband and youngest son. Her daughter
would not let her see the grandchildren anymore. So far, so
good. I understand how hard that would be. So, after asking
my husband to find her a house to buy (which he did, involving much
time and effort) she told us that she had the chance of a business
venture where she was. She came to live in the house that she
had bought, but insists that she is not going to stay. However,
she has decided that we are to have the house. It is to be left
to our daughter when she (MIL) dies. When we visit her, she
constantly refers to this. She asks me how I would like "my"
garden planted. Would we like a gazebo? Do we want paving
or decking? She had not been here for 2 days when she had bought
my daughter several gifts, many of which we had already bought
for upcoming Christmas presents. She wants to give, give, give,
and doesn't seem to take the point that there is such a thing as too
much. For example, we told her that we had bought a playhouse
for our daughter for Christmas. Guess who bought her a bigger
and better one? My husband thinks there is no malice intended,
and maybe he's right. But I just have this feeling of impending
doom. The time will come when all of the generosity will have
to be paid for. Of course, what a B**** I will sound like if
I say this. My sister agrees with me, and can see where all
this is going to lead. Bottom line, my MIL did not raise my
husband through childhood, he ended up with her abusive mother, and
eventually in children's homes. (My husband says that he is not bitter
about this, and does not hold it against her). I presume that
she thinks that buying us things will make up for this. I have
no doubt that she loves him. Anyway, I am just finding it hard
that, after all these years of minimal contact, she seems to think
that she can appear on the scene and we will all instantly be one
wonderful, loving family. How do you tell someone to back off,
when all they are doing is being "nice"? I feel suffocated
now, and worried about what is going to be expected in return.
Help!!! 12/26
signed - Am I Just Ungrateful?
Ha! We got our worst
Xmas gift all weekend long -- my 2 faced, backstabbing SIL, digging
for info & instigating comments about her pathetic parents who
can't even make their comments to our faces. I told her twice
already, that if I'm not gonna like what you have to say don't say
it & she said it anyway. Last night she threw a vodka bottle
on my floor b/c she was so drunk, she wanted to see if the glass would
"bounce." 12/25
signed - About To Go Postal
My MIL makes me raving
mad. My husband works for them. They have their own business,
and because they pay his salary, they believe that they should control
how we spend our money. She even has the nerve to make comments
to me about it. Seven years into our marriage, after saving,
planning and doing a lot of research, we decided to build our own
home. We were the contractors and delegated out all jobs to
be done. We lived across the road from our home site, so I was
able to keep an eye on everything going on. Well, for some reason
she felt this was her responsibility. There was no telling how
many times I looked across the road and saw her car parked there.
I would become infuriated. She wanted to know how much money
we paid for everything, and would make this "MMM" noise
every time we went to make a decision. As if she did not know
if we should do that. It became so bad, I had to ask the men
working for us not to answer any of her questions. Then, my
FIL decided to join in. By the time it was all said and done,
the majority of our workers walked off, and my husband was left to
finish the house on his own. She still did not get the picture.
Every time she saw me over at the house she would stop in. I
did not want her help doing anything. I finally exploded one
day. She said she could not understand what my problem was.
I told her. I told her it was her, that she was the problem.
She was nosey, and everything we went to do she always had to have
a say, and I was tired of it. This is our second year in our
new home and she is still at it. She thinks she is the mother
when my child is around, and sometimes I wonder if she thinks she
is my husband's wife, instead of me. Several explosions later,
she still is at it. When will she get the picture!? 12/24
signed - Upset DIL - When
Will MIL Get The Picture?
I knew this was going to be a long hard road when I received the response
from my in-laws to my request to marry their daughter. My father-in-law
to be told me that I shouldn't expect "permission" any time
soon because her mother would need time to "get used to the idea."
The next several months were filled with vicious phone calls and accusations
of pregnancy. We were told that they were not going to pay for
the wedding because they had paid for her college education.
My parents paid for the reception and we paid for the wedding.
A couple of days before the wedding my father-in-law to be asked (at
his wife's request) if we would be staying around after the reception
to have dinner and spend some time with their family. I told
him that we had reservations and a long drive, and that I didn't think
it would be a good idea to hang around after the reception.
His response was, "Oh, the hormones are really flowing, huh?"
As we were ready to leave the reception and leave for our honeymoon,
my mother-in-law came up and whispered something to my wife.
On the wedding video it looks very touching ... like mother's last
words of advice or something. Actually, she was saying, "Well,
I hope you know what you think you're doing!" That was
the only time during the entire wedding festivities that my wife cried. 12/16
signed - Only Time Wife
Cried At Wedding
RESPONSE: only time wife cried at wedding
I have a suggestion. When your one year anniversary comes around,
repeat your vows and do something very intimate and special.
Don't invite anyone.
As an older daughter and a mother of 3 I "know" the mother
"knew" she would wreck her daughter's heart by her comments.
It was her daughter's day and she brought her down. Her mother
"knew" the timing was bad. Very bad. I don't
know how much influence your MIL has on your wife, but your wife needs
to be healthy emotionally without her. This could be difficult,
because you mentioned you had to ask permission for marriage.
This sounds charming, however, like a very controlling environment.
Parents can wield a lot of control ... even with adult children.
Their children, when younger, "learn" to value and want
the parents approval. This "need" simply doesn't go
away when you reach the age of 21. In fact, at the age of 30
or so is when we as humans kind of clean house. Take a look
at our lives in a different perspective.
I have a feeling, from what you told me, this is only the surface.
I do suspect that your wife's emotional disposition and happiness
sounds dependent on them. She needs to become stronger and independent
of their "noise." If they acted so unloving at the
wedding, I can only imagine what difficulties they will show when
company isn't around. 12/24
My mother in law wants
me out of her family so badly that she has gone so far as to spread
around our small hometown that I was cheating on my husband and he
was planning on divorcing me ... but not ready to tell me yet.
She did this so it would get back to me. She has even gone so
far as to tell my husband that our new baby will only see one grandmother
for 2 months, meaning her, and that my mother will have to wait her
turn to bond with the new baby. I am apparently supposed to
just deal with this. I just hope she brings up this stuff while
I am in labor. I might just get rude enough to tell her to her
face that she is a conniving, sneaky b*tch that needs to get a life. 12/18
signed
- Bring It Up While In Labor
RESPONSE: Bring it up while in Labor
In regards to this lovely little MIL comment: "She has
even gone so far as to tell my husband that our new baby will only
see one grandmother for 2 months, meaning her, and that my mother
will have to wait her turn to bond with the new baby."
That would be the exact thing that would prompt me to keep the baby
away from her. The minute I heard something like that, it would
be my mom first, and MIL wouldn't see that kid until he/she was TWO! 12/19 RESPONSE: bring it up while in labor
I think that you don't need to wait, to tell your MIL that, 'til you're
in labor. I think you need to do it NOW! She sounds a
lot like my MIL. And, if you don't tell her to butt out of your
relationship with your hubby it will only get worst. Also, tell
her that that is your husband's and your baby, not hers, so she needs
to stop telling you who your baby can and can not be around.
Hope things get better for you, and enjoy your new baby when it gets
here. Good luck. 12/19 RESPONSE: Bring it up while in labor
You sound young, and your first priority should be your health.
This is a wonderful time for you and your spouse. I guess I
would talk to my husband and find out if he has any input to this
rumor thing. If there is none, basically what you are describing
is "slander". It is a legal term meaning to harm ones
character.
Considering your vulnerable state, I would encourage you to talk to
a doctor with your husband present on what anxiety and stress can
do to women in your condition. Frankly, I'd follow up with a
lawyer's letter to her requiring her to stop or there will be legal
action in her unfounded allegations.
You may think this is an over reaction, however: She is running
around getting a group of people against you. She is already
compromising your unborn child. Children's self esteem is based
on early relationships of their mother and father and what they have.
Specifically, how is painting you as the worthless town sleaze going
to help your child's' future? Do you think people will forget
this? They don't, and the kids eventually pick up on what the
parents are talking about. She isn't only defaming you.
She is defaming your family. She wants to isolate your family
from you. That is why she has dictated that your mother cannot
be around the child. If she is already doing this I can't imagine
what she will do to the baby when he/she arrives. Ever hear
of emotional abuse? She will use that kid and eventually poison
the child against you.
It would be helpful for you to read early child development books.
If that MIL is going to do what I think I see coming down the road,
your life, your husband's life, and an innocent child will be victimized
by rumors and unwanted judgment from others. Young children
and older children have a hard enough time being accepted and liked
by peers. They hardly need the negative conflicts she will be
creating for you and your family out of thin air. Raising a
child to be emotionally healthy is hard enough. 12/24
signed - Get This Bad Apple
Out Of The Bucket
When my in-laws come to
visit, my FIL sits in front of the TV from the time he gets out of
bed, until the time he goes to bed. My son, who is 8 asked me
why his Grandpa doesn't like him. He said he never plays with him
or pays any attention to him so he must not like him. How can I get
my FIL the slug off the sofa and make him see that he has worthwhile
grandchildren that are much more important than any TV show? 12/21
signed - How To Make Him
See He Has A Grandson
RESPONSE: How to make him see he has a grandson
If it is your home, I assume you have house rules regarding the TV
usage. If not, may be thoughtful in getting one. Grades
and TV usage for children are linked. Figure out with your spouse
what is a reasonable amount of time you have the TV on. In our
household during a school week it can be 15 hours or less ... this
includes the weekend.
Next time grandpa comes over, turn off the TV and turn on the stereo.
It is your home ... isn't it??? 12/24
Note: This story
moved from 12/9 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
I have been searching the Web for information on MIL's because mine
is driving me crazy. My DH is the first born of two, and the
only son. His mother is over-bearing and constantly wanting
to spend time w/ us and dictate what we should and should not do.
My DH is very close to his parents, and I like to spend time w/ them
too, but enough is enough. When we got married a year and a
half ago it really put my relationship w/ my MIL to the test.
It's as if she is in competition w/ me for my DH's affections.
I often feel like she is really in love w/ him. His parents
came to our apartment soon after we were married to spend the day
w/ him. I was visiting my sick mother in the hospital and told
my DH he was free to spend the day at home and relax, since he had
been going to the hospital w/ me so often. I came home to find
that my MIL decided she would clean our bathroom from top to bottom.
HELLO, this is our home, not your son's place that Mommy can come
and clean for him. Of course my husband is so naive that he
thought it was a nice gesture on his mother's part ... NOT.
My MIL invading my home like that said so many things to me, like:
"You are not cleaning well enough"; "my son should
be living in a cleaner home than you are keeping"; "this
is just as much my home as yours"; and the list goes on.
I would never presume to walk into my MIL's home and clean her bathroom,
or any other room. Will she be cleaning our bedroom next?
Making our bed and picking up our underwear? I thought, perhaps,
she was trying to help, since my mom was so sick and I hadn't had
much time to clean, since I had been at the hospital. But of
course her intentions were not so pure. When I told her I felt
uncomfortable about her doing that, she did apologize, but proceeded
to tell me that she knew it was wrong and she shouldn't do it, but
she just did it anyway. She also said that she knew I would
be mad, and she told my DH not to tell me. Whoever says don't
rock the boat by speaking up to your IL's is wrong. By telling
her how I feel, it begins to set ground rules. If she did something
she knew she should not do, and something that she thought I would
get mad at, she obviously did not care and would continue to do it.
She is still very controlling and competitive, but she will think
twice before she cleans my bathroom again. 11/30
signed - MIL Will Think Twice
RESPONSE: MIL will think twice
Yes, it's sad, but when I read your message, I laughed to think that
you might clean her bathroom and she might get irate at you, etc.
I know, pipe dreams and all.
So, it makes you wonder her motives - did she want you to get mad
at her? Why don't you ask her, or even have your husband ask
her. I also wonder if she wanted to be in cahoots with your
husband when she asked him to keep it a secret from you. That
would keep a special secret bond between her and her son. Perhaps
your husband needs to let her know that he will not be keeping secrets
from you. 12/2 RESPONSE: MIL will think twice
I have entered a story before, and I enjoy reading the other entries,
but I would say that in a good half of these stories I read, that
so many of these problems could be avoided if people weren't so sensitive
and insecure. That is not said to offend anyone. If I
was with my sick mother in the hospital, and came home to a clean
bathroom, or a clean house, or a cooked meal ... I would be very thankful,
and not assume my mother in law had the worst intentions. This
is not to say that you don't need to set boundaries or ground rules.
Family should try to help each other, and maybe that was her way of
trying to help, even though she might have stepped on your toes.
There are some stories I read on here that it sounds like nothing
the in-laws do is right. Every nice gesture is treated like
it was meant to manipulate or control. I am sure there are plenty
of in laws like that, but if you walk around with a chip on your shoulder
it is sure to be knocked off. I am not a mother in law yet ...
my kids are still in grade school, but I would hope that any kind
gestures or help I offer my future DIL's won't be treated as intrusions
or misunderstood. 12/4 RESPONSE: MIL will think twice
A few days before my wedding, my future MIL told me that she would
come over and clean my house for me. I told her I could do it
myself. She cleaned an acquaintance's cupboards out when her
son was house sitting. When we moved to our duplex, my husband
took a pair of silk boxers and stuffed them under his jeans in his
dresser drawer. To let him know that she thought he was trying
to hide something, she went through the drawer and pulled the boxers
out, folded them, and set them on top of all of the jeans. It
is hard to believe that there is more than one woman out there like
that. It would probably be really mean, but you should go to
her house and mention that it looks a little dingy, and offer to help
her clean. That will shut her up. 12/19 RESPONSE: MIL will think twice
This is in response to the person who responded about people being
oversensitive and how she would be thankful. First, let me say that
I am not the original poster of this story, but I could have written
it. Not all MIL's will clean to be nice. I was grateful
when my MIL was here and did some laundry and stuff for me, until
later on when I heard her telling my husband, "See how clean
and wonderful your house could be all the time if I lived here,"
(she lives 75 miles away). And then she went around telling
her neighbors/family friends that I am such a lazy slob she had to
do my laundry while I slept (I was taking a Dr. ordered daily nap
because my pregnancy was draining me). Yeah, I was five months
pregnant, and a slob because I had some undone laundry and my kitchen
floor needed to be scrubbed. I'm not saying all MIL's are like
this, and people who do not know can't understand why at parties DH
and I have here I will not let her help. This is why.
Because she constantly tries to prove to my husband how much better
his life could be if he lived with her instead of me, or if he let
her move out here. Thank God he doesn't buy into it. 12/21 RESPONSE: mil will think twice
I so understand where you are coming from. Before any occasion,
my MIL will come over to my house (when I am not home) and "touch-up"
my cleaning. (e.g.. dust in-between the spokes on my kitchen
chairs & re-mop my floors). My MIL is in love with her son,
also. I know the reason my MIL does this is because she is insecure.
She is so afraid that I may be capable of being a wife and mother.
After I told her off, she has stopped cleaning in front of my very
eyes. 12/21 RESPONSE: MIL Will Think Twice
I had this happen when my mom passed away. MIL came in the house
while FIL was cutting the lawn, and decided to "clean house"
-- we did NOT ask her to do so. When my DH and I returned home,
MIL chewed him out because the house was dirty. Mind you, when
my mom died, we had to literally drop what we were doing and fly cross
country to make funeral arrangements. The condition of the house
was not a fire code violation requiring a cleanup on her part.
Needless to say, DH had problems with her in the past snooping in
his apartment, and I think this stunt was her wanting to see what
exactly we had in our home. Hope she found the sex toys! 12/23
signed - It's My Danged
House!
RESPONSE: MIL will think twice
In response to the woman who suggested it's too easy to be oversensitive
to what our MIL's do -- I agree, and I really struggle with that.
I think I am too sensitive and insecure sometimes. But, to be
a good MIL, I think a person can't just insensitively plough ahead
without caring how her DIL will feel about her "good deeds."
Part of a good deed, after all, is its sensitivity to the feelings
of the recipient. Otherwise, it runs the risk of being passive-aggressive,
or even downright aggressive and hostile. Kindness, tact, and
sensitivity are key. A DIL can't get too much of those! 12/23
A while back my mother-in-law's
husband left her. At the time, I was only in the family for
about two years, so I really didn't know the problems between her
and her husband. She needed a place to live, because she was
60 at the time of their break-up. She couldn't afford her own
place, and none of her other children would take her in. I felt
sorry for her. I agreed to let her live with my wife and me.
All was fine for about a year. Then things started to happen.
I would be smoking a cigarette in the living room, when all of a sudden
I would hear her bedroom door open and then bang shut. At first
I figured she was getting a little old and lost control of the door.
This scene would be repeated several times over the next month.
I had asked my wife if there was a problem with her mother.
She said, "Not that I know of." Now, I'm puzzled.
A few days later I'm on the couch, smoking a cigarette, when, bang,
there goes the door again. Now, I'm pissed. So I ask her
what the problem is. She tells me that the smoke is coming into
her room, and she can't breathe. Her room is upstairs, and on
the opposite side of the house from where I was smoking. Plus,
it's not like I light one up after the next. I may smoke 4-5
for the whole night. Anyway, I tell her to stop slamming doors,
and to speak to me if there is a problem. A few days later,
her other daughter is over visiting her. Let me tell you, her
daughter smokes like a chimney. I notice that her daughter is
blowing smoke all over the place. The room they were in actually
was hazy from all the smoke. Yet, it doesn't seem to bother
my mother-in-law. I should mention that we both smoke the same
brand. As I walked by them, I asked my sister-in-law where she
had purchased her cigarettes. She said in the town that she
lives in. I said, "Oh. I guess I should buy mine
there." My sis-in-law asked me, "Why?"
So, I told her, "You can blow smoke in your mother's face and
it doesn't bother her. But if I light one up, when I'm on another
floor, and on the opposite side of the house, it makes her choke."
They both turned red when I said this. Since that little chat,
I haven't had any problems with her while I smoke. Now, the
new routine is, when my wife and I are making love, it keeps her awake.
This one is gonna be tough to solve. What do I say, go F$#&
yourself? 12/23
signed - Nice Guys Don't
Get Scr*w*d The Way They Used To
My fiancé's parents &
I get along great. But they are telling us that, just because
he is manic-depressive, which is kept under control with medication,
that we shouldn't have children. He, his parents, & I have
had this discussion a couple times. We see where they're coming
from. They don't try to see our point of view. The child, like
my fiancé, could have a good life if on the proper medication.
We have no negative opinions about adoption. It's great.
But we don't want to adopt. Sometimes I wonder if we should
just agree with his parents, & sometimes I feel like telling them
off. In one way, it seems as if my fiancé & I have a difficult
decision to make. Looking at it another way, it's like the decision
is very easy thanks to medication. Personally, I'm confused,
& I don't get confused a lot. I think it's a situation having
to with in-laws, and a difficult decision as to whether we should
have children or not, if that's a difficult decision. Anyway,
we can't MAKE his parents see our point of view, so we avoid bringing
up the subject around them. Oh, he's in his mid twenties, and
I am in my early twenties. 12/22
signed - Confused About
Having A Baby
RESPONSE: confused about having a baby
Whatever YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND'S choice about having children, adopted
or not, should not be any business of your in-laws. That is
your choice to make as a couple, not theirs. I am speaking from
experience here. My DH is manic depressive also. We have
four children. They are all well adjusted adults, no exhibit
of bi-polar disorder. Bi-polar disorder is very manageable.
Provided the person with this disease manages their medication properly,
they live normal lives. I would not trade my husband for anything,
nor do I regret having children. Do what your heart decides. 12/23 RESPONSE: Confused about Having a Baby
One of the best people we know is manic-depressive -- and the kids
he had (two) are both great. 12/23
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