I recently broke up with my boyfriend because, out of several reasons, one of them was that I couldn't deal with his mother always being a constant burden and demand on his (our) time.  He's an only child and his parents divorced years ago, so he is all she has in the way of family.  This has somehow rendered him susceptible to her every whim and desire, especially now that she is sick.  Does it make me such a bad person that I can't accept the fact that he will always put her first?  Who should have to live with their mother-in-law for the rest of their life?  It's a hard situation to cope with and I'm at the end of my rope.


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Bad Person?" in your response.

RESPONSE:  You are not a "bad person", you are a "smart person".  I live with my boyfriend and his "possessive mother".  It is hell.  You think your boyfriend's mother is a burden to you now, it only gets worse, and especially being the only child.  My boyfriend too is an only child.  His parents divorced when he was four, and his father died over ten years ago.  He only has his mother and his mother only has him.  She cannot stand me being here.  She has done everything you can think of to me to try and push me out of his life and home.  I love him, but you tell me how to handle a possessive mother who will not cut the umbilical cord.  She (I believe) thinks he is her son, companion, husband and friend all in one.  I don't want to compete, but I feel it is always a competition with her.  But, I am deeper in this than just a boyfriend.  I help him mentally as well as financially.  If I were to leave, he would lose it.  He needs me in order to stay sane.  So, I stay not only to keep him sane, but because I love him.  I will not let her win.  If you were to go back to your boyfriend, DON'T LET HER WIN.  Take control of your life and your relationship.  Talk to him.  Tell him that you love him.  Make him understand that she will not be there forever for him.  He needs his own life and family.  She lived her life and had her family.  It is now his turn.  I am a strong person and I fight for what I believe in.  I used to bite my tongue, and now I tell her exactly how I feel about what she is doing to him and our relationship.  I have gotten stronger and stronger. 

RESPONSE:  We know exactly how you feel, and you have done the right thing by getting out now because, believe us that it does not get any better when you are married.  They will always be Mommy's pathetic little boys!!  You are definitely not a bad person for getting out now, because as far as his mother is concerned, you are probably not the right girl for him anyway, even though he may think you are... you will never ever be happy with an interfering bitch of a witch MIL... cos you will always be second best to her... and she will make sure of that

RESPONSE:  In response to "Bad Person?"  The answer is no, you are not a bad person.  No matter how in love you are, there is no reason to settle for second place.  I had a boyfriend who was a terrific person, but he was the man of the house and a surrogate father to his nephews.  When we went somewhere with his mother, she would always sit in front, and I'd be stuck in back.  Holidays always had to be spent with his family because they spent EVERY holiday together -- to the point of being ridiculous.  Never mind that my family lived only 15 minutes away.  He'd put priority on doing his mother's list of chores and generally on his family.  Once I realized that that wasn't going to change, I broke it off.  It was painful because we had been talking about marriage, but picturing myself with his mother every single holiday was too much.  If we had ever moved out of her house (which he wanted to live in when we got married) I was sure she'd call all the time to have him do things for her.  Believe me, you're better off without him.

I don't understand my future mother-in-law.  My fiancé and I are going to be married in October of 2000.  We don't have a lot of money, and we're going to be saving everything we can so that we can have a nice wedding, and a nice honeymoon.  Meanwhile, my future MIL is insisting that my fiancé go to the west coast for his brother's graduation in January.  He has told her that he most likely will not be able to go.  Still, she says things to him like "When we go out to the graduation...." etc.  Of course "we" means her family, not including her son's fiancée--me.

My fiancé gets two weeks vacation each year, which is ten working days.  Now, his mother is expecting him to make this trip, which will take up four of his vacation days.  Apparently, she doesn't care whether we have a honeymoon.

A few days after we told her we are getting married, she admitted to me that she thought that since we announced a wedding, that it meant I was pregnant (I'm not).  She said she only thought that for a second.  So, she basically thought that her son would only marry me because he "had" to?

Now, she's complaining that we're not getting married IN a church.  I only wonder if it's like this now, is it going to get worse after we're married?


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Will It Get Worse?" in your response.

RESPONSE:  Yes it will definitely get worse.  Get out while you can.  She is going to control your every move and decision.  Trust me, I live with my fiancé and his mother.  I have tried to get out, but he begs me not to leave him.  I don't want anyone to go through what I go through.  If you don't want to get out of your relationship, then you need to talk to your fiancé about how you feel, and tell him to sit her down and tell her how it is.  You can't have her control your relationship.  She lived her life and now it is time for him to live his. Don't let her ruin your life.

Ok. First of all, I want to say thank you for creating this page.  My MIL was created to make my life miserable!  My husband and I have been together going on 8 years.  When we first announced we were engaged, she kept bringing up my husband's ex girlfriend and saying that she was still interested, and that he needed to give her another chance before he committed.  THE NERVE!!!  My husband ignored her.  4 years into our marriage I was in the process of having a miscarriage.  My mother in law was less than a mile away at a local mall.  My husband called her and asked if she would come and help with our 2 year old.  She started with this long story of how she was shopping with her nieces, and that keeping up with a 2 year old would be more trouble than it was worth.  My husband said forget it.  My husband called my mom who was 4 hours away.  She dropped what she was doing and made it in time for him to be in surgery with me.

I have never hated someone so much in my life.  She has spread more lies about me to her family and to strangers.  When we announced that we were pregnant with our 2nd child, she made the comment so that I would hear it, "Well, she is pregnant again.  You would think they would stop!"  She has nothing to do with my 2nd child.  She has babysat my kids twice.  She babysits my brother-in-law's kids every time she gets a chance.

Needless to say, this situation has really put a strain on my marriage.  We have split up twice, and even filed for divorce once.  I just could not take anymore of her junk that she dished out, and my husband could not take anymore of the pain that I was in because of her.  I became very bitter and angry because of her, but I didn't have a place to vent except to him.  And, it came to the point he didn't know what else to do.  He was bottling up all of his anger and just taking it all in.  My husband is very sensitive and takes everything to heart.  He cannot see how she treats us.

Well, the latest episode.  MIL and FIL invited my girls over.  Then, thinking I wouldn't go along, they made other plans.  Well, I went along with it.  So, then, they changed their story.  They only intended on inviting my older child over who is 4 years old.  They didn't think my 2 year old would feel comfortable, seeing that she doesn't really know them.  WHOSE FAULT IS THAT!  My husband has been very upset with this whole situation.  He even insists that I don't have to go to Christmas at their house.  He is going to take the girls to just pick up their gifts.  He doesn't even want to be there.

I've worked through the bitterness and anger I have towards her.  I have been told that I don't have to forgive and forget.  These are gifts from God.  With the help of God, I have forgiven her, and I am working on forgetting the things of the past.  It helps when you make distance from her.  I haven't been to visit her in at least 6 months.  We moved to the other side of the state almost 2 years ago and she has only been to visit once.  Which is nice!  My husband visits at least every other week.  We only take the girls when they ask to see them.  They don't have time in their schedule for the girls, and that is ok.  Because, one day she is going to realize what she is missing out on. 

RESPONSE:  this is in response to 8 yrs - your story sounds exactly like mine!!  My il's are EVIL to the highest degree - our son was dx with cancer in '97 - they lived close by but NEVER came to the hospital - my mom (from out of state) lived with us, helping with our other child for almost 2 yrs- it was amazing that they did not care about their only grandson!!  When asked why they didn't visit, they said they were mad at ME!!  Some excuse - well, I just cannot forgive them - they have bad-mouthed me to all the family - and tried to make my life a living h--l - They also have all the time in the world for their OTHER grandchildren but not ours - they keep saying they will tell our daughter that I kept them from seeing her when she gets older - but I have always told her the truth - they will never know how much they are missing out on, and in the end what goes around comes around-- this board is great!!!!

This is a long story, but I am venting almost 5 years worth of MIL abuse!!!

Virgo + Mother-in-Law = EVIL (It is so long it deserves a title)

My Mother-in-law "Jane" is a really self righteous witch with a capital B.  When I first met her, things were basically fine.  My husband (then fiancé) "John" took me to visit her after we had been dating a couple of years.  He and his mother were not particularly close and live at opposite ends of the country (now I know why).  Anyway, so we go and spend about a week up there.  John warned me that Jane finds fault with everyone and is known family wide for her "silent treatments" and her opinionated, conflicting views.  So I was prepared to face the EVIL future mother-in-law.

Surprise, surprise... she and I got along great.  I found her to be very pleasant and funny and caring.  Though Jane is a staunch Catholic, she allowed John and I to sleep in the same room in separate twin beds even though we were not married yet.  She was aware that John and I were living together and made no fuss about it.  Whew, I felt like I had passed, and even decided that John was being entirely too critical of Jane.

It just so happened that a month after our visit, John's uncle passed away.  We flew back to Jane's house.  I felt out of place at the funeral simply because John and I were not married yet, but John was insistent that he wanted me there.  During the four day visit, I sensed that Jane was acting strange towards me, but I blew it off - deciding that she must be just emotional over her brother dying.  I did, however, mention to John that she was acting somewhat mad at me.  He assured me that she had not mentioned anything to him, and that before his Uncle passed away he asked her.  You see, we had already had this conversation a week before we went up there, because I had sensed she was upset at me one day when I answered the phone.  I answered and was glad to hear from her, and was just talking... maybe asking her how she was doing, when she very abruptly said she wanted to talk to John.  The whole time my instincts told me something was wrong, but she insisted that nothing was wrong and she wasn't mad at me.

I finally decided that I was mistaken.  More than a year later we went to visit Jane for Christmas.  Though John and I had asked Jane if she would prefer us to stay in a hotel, because she was having so many people come in from out of town, she insisted that we stay there.  The first night that we got there it was already very late.  Having traveled so long, John and I were not particularly tired... and Jane and John's brother, "Dave", were excited to see us.  We were up till 4:00 a.m. just chatting.  When it was time for bed, Jane gave us our sleeping assignments.  Originally, she told John and I that we could have her room, but we both declined, knowing that the arrangement would make us all uncomfortable.  It just was not appropriate yet, as John and I were still engaged.  So then she announced new sleeping arrangements:
John-in the back bedroom
Dave-in his room
Jane-in her bed, and I could sleep in there with her.

I was cool with not sleeping in the same bed with John, but I didn't want to sleep with her in her bed.  I asked if I could instead sleep on the couch.  She said, "Of course," and got me some blankets.  John and I were watching a movie, and I had not gotten my PJ's on yet, but had taken off my shoes and got under the blanket.  John, with his head laid at the other end of the couch, did the same.  So we were both fully dressed, under a blanket, watching a movie on TV.  Jane came out of the bathroom, saw us on the couch, and said she was off to bed.  Her bedroom is positioned in such a way that it looks directly into the den where John and I were watching this movie.  So trust me, no hanky panky going on.  As the movie ended, I told John to go to bed - I didn't want to start anything.

He laughed and said no.  After all, his mother had originally assigned us (John and I) to sleep in her bed.  He said that he just really didn't want to be in a different room and bed, and that she should not care if he fell asleep there... we were fully dressed and at opposite ends of the couch.  I went so far as to get up to go to the bedroom, and he stopped me, again saying that we were grown, and doing nothing wrong.  Basically, he felt that I was being too uptight. I relented and fell asleep on the opposite end of the couch fully clothed.  The next morning Jane woke us up and seemed a bit stressed.  I was mad at John, and told him so, because I knew she was pissed.  He then bluntly asked her if we had upset her, and she said no.  John sort of gave me that "see, I told you so" look and dropped it. 

The next few days she continued acting pissy to me and made sideways comments like, "You can borrow my skirt, but don't take it home."  I tried to just stay out of her way and I ignored most of what she said.  John insisted that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  As it turned out, I also got a basic flu while there.  Fever, chills, cough, and tiredness... I couldn't will myself to stay alert, and I just wanted to sleep.  This did not please Jane.  Finally, the basic holiday hoopla was over, and John took his mother out for the day.  They went shopping downtown and had lunch.  John and I decided we would go to dinner that night, as we had not been alone all week, we just wanted some quiet time. 

We did go out, but the "date" was very short.  I was not prepared for John's very sour mood that evening.  He wouldn't talk to me and would hardly look up.  I was confused and mad.  He didn't want to go to dinner, and he just insisted that he had a headache.  We ended up pulling into a park, I was hoping we could just talk.  He insisted that it was time to go home.  I was happy to go home because I was sick and Jane was stressing me out.  He would not tell me why he was mad, but he said he would not spend another night in Jane's house.  I knew something had been said at lunch.

For a month afterwards John acted sullen and depressed and was picking fights with me.  I couldn't deal with it anymore.  I made him tell me what she said.  She told him that I was using him, and that I was a gold digger, and that given a chance I would leave him for my ex-boyfriend.  I was shocked.  I could not figure out where she would get that impression.  John and I both worked, and were currently sitting on a bare floor (with the exception of bean bags) because we were saving up to buy a couch.  "Rich" would not have defined John or me in either way.  As for my ex, well, that one threw me for a loop.  I had only had one conversation with her about my ex... shortly after I met her.

It took me a bit to remember the conversation, but I finally realized why she had started acting so aloof towards me.  A couple of weeks after I had met her for the first time, she called me, upset, and just needed someone to vent to.  Her divorce was finally going through, and she had just run into her old high school sweetheart.  She claimed that he was that guy that she always wished she had married - the one that just sort of always stuck in the back of her mind.  Well, my ex was also my high school sweetheart, and I commented that I wondered if I would still think about him in 30 years.  Then a discussion began about my ex, and John, and her, and her ex, and her current (though separated) husband.  I was very truthful that it took a long time for me to emotionally commit to John, because my ex had completely broken my heart.  I think I even said that I knew that it would be very hard to walk away from my ex if he ever wanted to date again.

I was not scared of these emotions and I did not feel that they were abnormal or in any way indicated my commitment to John.  To me they were simply loose ends that I need to resolve.  I also was wary of my own emotional judgment, and I didn't want to be with John on the rebound only to find out later that I was not really in love with him.  I was in a very similar situation as she was.  We went on to discuss my need for a long engagement.  I knew from the day that I met John that I wanted to marry him, but I wanted to marry him with all of me and without reservation.  From that conversation, she ascertained that I did not love John, that I was using him, and that I only loved my ex.  I further added to her belief later when I postponed our wedding.  I was still too nervous to make the final jump.  When I realized this, I was relieved, because I could see how the misunderstanding could have occurred.  I called her hoping to talk.

She was very rude and callous, saying that she did not misinterpret what I said.  Furthermore, why did I have the gall to sleep with her son in her house when I was not married to him... she stated that I was purposely challenging her and her rules.  It seemed everything I had done since that conversation a year and half before had been under scrutiny.  I was actually amazed at everything wrong I had done to her to "take away her son, and challenge her."  I hate fighting, and even after being completely admonished for things that were extreme exaggerations of actual events or flat out lies, I apologized for upsetting her.  I just wanted her not to be mad at me anymore.

Finally, she said that Dave no longer wanted to come spend the summer with us because he didn't like the way I manipulated John.  The summer plans had been made at Christmas, and up until then I did not know that Dave was mad at me.  Actually, I didn't take her word for it, though I finally stood up for myself very forcefully and loudly.  I was mad and humiliated.  She used this as yet another example of my challenging her.  Meanwhile, John stayed pretty much out of it - to the point that I got angry at him.  I mean, after all, he is the one who insisted we sleep on the couch.  He conveniently could not remember how that all came down.  Things began to worsen, and though John would not engage in conversations about me, he would not stand up for me either.  He insisted that it was between his mother and me.  This went on for a year, where they talked but I was excluded.  Amazingly, John and I stayed together.  Finally, I decided to write Jane a letter - hoping to mend the relationship and apologize.

She called me shortly afterward to let me know that she almost threw the letter away.  Rather than us then having a pleasant conversation to clear the air, she continued by letting me know that it amazed her that this issue still bothered me.  Taking this to mean maybe we could move on, I asked her if she forgave me, and she very bluntly said, "no."  I asked her if it was important to her for us to get along, and she said, basically, that I was not a member of the family yet and she had no intention of being nice to me.  I asked her if she ever was bothered by the problems between us, and she stated that I was not an important enough issue to worry about.  All this was horrible - the conversation was a very hard one, because I was trying so hard to just let whatever she said ride.  The truth was that John was the one being hurt by us not talking.  I wasn't aiming to be her best friend, but a level of civility was important.  I began to cry, probably because I was biting my tongue so hard, and then John walked in.

He took the phone from me, and in no uncertain terms let her know that he knew the truth and knew that she was wrong - and that if she could not be rational towards me, then she could not call anymore.  John told her once again that he loved her and he loved me.  He said he was going to marry me, and his place was by my side.  He then asked her to not make him choose.

A month or so later, our invitations were being sent out for our wedding.  John wanted his mother to attend, despite the last conversation.  He was nervous calling her, but I assured him that I would like her at our wedding also.  He called her, and her response was, "If you marry her, then I will know that I have a son somewhere."  She then pointedly asked him to choose me or her, and of course he chose me.  John and I have lived together since April of 1994, and have been married since October of 1997.  I am more in love with John today than I ever was.  Jane and Dave did not attend our wedding.  On rare occasion Dave and John have talked to each other via the internet - the conversations (according to John) are short and strained.  Last week, Jane and John spoke their first words in over two years.  John's dad had a heart attack, and John needed to let his brother know.  Jane still refused to acknowledge me at all by abruptly changing the subject if John mentioned me. 

Like I said Virgo + Mother-In-Law = EVIL!!

Anonymous Libran daughter-in-law will gladly take advice, revenge tips, and sympathy... :)


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "EVIL" in your response.

RESPONSE:  Dear Daughter-in-law of EVIL Virgo,
Both my mother and mother-in-law are my headaches and a half.  My fiancé does not cheat on me, physically, mentally, sexually or emotionally abuse me, doesn't do drugs, doesn't abuse alcohol and doesn't have a football team of children from outside relationships.  He has a car and a job, communicates with me well, makes me happy, respects me, loves me and shares my dreams and goals.  However, my Virgo mother is convinced that he's needy (yet she gets angry if I don't talk to her for 5 hours a day -- I'm not exaggerating), possessive (my fiancé encourages me to spend time with family and friends), and irresponsible (he has a job and a car; she has neither).  She has told me that she doesn't like him, and any challenges we are facing are not her problem because she's grieving over the loss of her father.  However, my fiancé drove her to the 
hospital when my grandfather was dying and sang at the service.  My fiancé didn't know my grandfather because my mother was "too embarrassed" to let my fiancé visit him because my grandfather had Alzheimer's.  She insisted on this ludicrous arrangement, even though my fiancé expressed that his grandfather had Alzheimer's, too.

We can do no right in her eyes.  She picks at and questions everything we do.  She's overcritical, and even went so far as to say that our idea to move away from her so that we can all be happier was "throwed off."  Well, what else are we supposed to do?  Live near her and watch her be cold and distant to my fiancé who has tried so hard to forge a relationship with her?

When I tried to enumerate his positive qualities in an effort to shed some light on why she doesn't like him, she said, "He doesn't cheat on you because he hasn't had a chance to."  Gee, thanks.  My fiancé is a singer (the only part of him she's fascinated about because she wanted to be an entertainer herself) and has had women making unwelcome
advances towards him.  Yet, he has had no problem turning them down.

My MIL-to-be treats me like a bastard at family reunions, and my sister-in-law-to-be is even more malicious and selfish.  They both resent me "taking their son/brother away" and both have resorted to calling me a "slut" like two high school children.  I have tried to reach out to both of them, and I have even admitted any oversensitivity on my part, and apologized.  In the beginning of our relationship, my fiancé and I spent an exorbitant amount of time together, and I apologized to them for that.  But the MIL and SIL have both given me their rears to kiss.  The MIL badmouths me and her own son to anyone who will listen.  But, then will try to laugh and talk in our faces like she's supportive, or throw money in our faces as if material items and cash makes everything alright.

My advice is to make sure, husbands and wives, that you stay strong in your convictions to stand by your spouse, in the face of meddling in-laws, or your relationship will fall apart.  You're marrying or married to your spouse--NOT YOUR MOTHER!  If your spouse wishes, let them spend time with their mothers, but not at the expense of your relationship.  If a MIL can't respect you, your family and your household, then remove the welcome mat from them.  We all deserve respect and peace! Your MIL and your mother can't choose your spouse for you, nor is it your responsibility to assuage a MIL's loneliness, or give into guilt trips all the time.  If you love your spouse and don't want to lose them, don't let unhappy, bitter, clingy MILs break the two of you up.  Remember, some MILs are not worried about your happiness, they're worried about theirs.