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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 1/13/01
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Note:   This story moved here from 6/3/00 archives due to recent receipt of a response.

I can so relate to each and every story here!  Who knew so many wives were going through exactly what I am!  Some days, I wonder if it's all worth it.  I've been married almost 9 years, and I love my husband dearly.  And I know he loves me.  But his family is just different than mine.  I mean, I wasn't taught that lying was good.  My husband was raised to lie to get what he wants.  He has two children from a previous marriage, (I have one) my MIL even taught my husband's children to lie.  She caused SO many problems in my marriage.  She faked a heart condition for years just to get sympathy and attention from her children.  They always told me not to upset mom because of her heart.  Years later, with other health issues, it was found that her heart is probably stronger than mine! 

When we were married, we had planned to have a big reception during the next holiday weekend because most of my family lives in different states.  The first month of my marriage, my MIL announced that she was giving my husband and I a reception so that I can meet all of my new family.  I told her what we were planning, and why.  She still insisted on having this reception, only now she called it a dinner.  When we arrived at this dinner, it had "reception" written all over it.  All the way down to a wedding cake (banana filled ... I am allergic!)  In the middle of this disaster, I found out that my MIL had called my mother and asked that she pay half of the costs for this dinner.  My mother refused, reminding my MIL that we were planning a reception in the months ahead, and that she would help with the costs then.  I never had the wedding reception I was planning.  It was here that I knew I wanted little to do with my in-laws!

She manipulated my stepchildren.  She played between us for years.  The youngest, who's college age now, has caught on to grandma's game.  She doesn't let her grandma get away with anything that could hurt me anymore.  The oldest, who's in his early 20's, and I don't speak.  His grandma ruined him.  She made him believe that everything wrong in his life is because his father married me.  That his father should leave me and be with his son.  This man is in his early 20's ... how long should my husband raise his kids?  When I had control, he was getting good grades in school and planned to go to college.  I don't know when she overtook control, but she did a fine job!  She created a lying, lazy, rebellious person.  My husband agrees.

My MIL doesn't acknowledge my son at all.  His name is not on any of the grandchildren's stockings that line her mantel at Christmas time.  He's just a little boy.  He didn't ask to be a part of her family.  Shouldn't she see that?

Once, my husband stopped talking to her, I won't go into why, but he was standing behind something she had done to me, for the first time.  I swore she wouldn't step foot in my home until she apologized.  I had never deserved such hatred treatment.  The only wrong thing I ever did to her was marry her baby.  She never apologized.

She'd call my house and ask for "her son".  No "hello" or anything.  She'd complain to my husband if she called and no one answered.  I mean, if I was talking to relatives out of state, I surely wouldn't cut them off for call waiting (when I knew who it was!).  I did that in the beginning.  But learned.  I'd click over and tell her I was on long distance.  She'd tell me it was important, she needed to talk to her son.  I thought maybe it was important, so I'd end my conversation.  Her call would be because she hadn't spoken to her baby all day and I was keeping him from her.  Now I have call waiting.  I don't answer her calls.  It's safer that way.

The sad thing is, my husband doesn't really like his mother as a person.  It's a guilt thing that she's gotten away with his whole life!!  He loves and respects my parents more than his own.  Sometimes he admits it.  Mostly he feels guilty about it.  He's constantly pulled between me and his mother.  At times, I tell him to go.  I feel like he should go get the guilt out of his system.  But, other times, I find myself wishing I'd never gotten married.  I get along with everyone.  I care about what people think of me.  My MIL has gotten most of my in laws to believe her lies.  It hurts, even though I know they're just lies.

I have asthma.  My husband smokes.  My health has gone downhill since our marriage.  It was worse the first few years.  I did miss a lot of work, but I always brought home a paycheck.  I COULDN'T BREATHE, for God's sakes!  My MIL told my stepson that I was faking it.  To this day, I'm faking every asthma attack I've had, 6 to 9 a year.  She says it's for attention.

I feel terrible for bringing my son into a situation like this.  They have never accepted my son or me.  Yet, my whole family treats my stepchildren as if they were born to me.  It's heart breaking.  I wanted to go back to my maiden name.  I felt, since I wasn't accepted by my husband's family, I didn't want to carry their name.  My husband was crushed.  But, it's how I honestly feel.  He won ... for now.

My husband and I fight about his family constantly.  He didn't stand up to his mother at first.  She caused his first marriage to end in a messy divorce.  It took my filing for divorce, and his daughter, and my daughter too, crying that she didn't want to lose me, for him to wake up.  Now he says, "What can I do?  She's my mother."  It's so ridiculous!  I have gotten along with the parents of every man I ever dated (so ... there wasn't too many).  One mother loved me so much that when her son and I broke up she was heard saying, "I lost a son but gained a daughter!"

I was raised to respect my elders.  I have never spoken an unkind word to my MIL.  I actually hate her, and I wasn't raised that way.  Whenever a family function nears, or even a holiday, my stomach turns.  It's not me, it's really not!  Everyone feels the same way about her, but she manipulates them into feeling guilty until she gets her way.  That doesn't work anymore for me.  I caught on to her game years ago.

I love my husband ... when he's not influenced my his mother.  But, I don't know how much more I can take without starting WWIII!  I feel bad when I think about leaving.  To divorce, just so you won't have to see your MIL again, is pretty drastic.  But, sometimes I get desperate.  I swear I will never marry again!  I will never even date a man who has a mother!  Please help!  I feel trapped in a family I want out of!  Does it ever end?
 5/27
        signed - WWIII

RESPONSE:  Re "WWIII:"
I can hear the sadness and desperation in your words, and I feel for you deeply.  Since hubby has finally awakened to the fact that he needs to take a stand for the sake of your marriage, perhaps there is hope.  Keep talking to him, and let him know how you feel - that you love him, but that he OWES it to YOU and the CHILDREN (your family together) to stand up for you when his mother instigates trouble in your family.  Tell him that his mother's interference in your life is HURTING you DEEPLY, that it has HURT his SON, and that for the sake of his family, he MUST take action to let his mother know her actions will not be tolerated, before more damage occurs!  Always remind him that you love him, that you love his children and your own as your family together with him, and that you WANT to make your marriage last, BUT that you can ONLY do this with his help!  Then, if you possibly can, give him a little more time to prove himself.  It would seem such a shame to give up now, just when he is showing signs of coming around!  Best of luck to you!
 5/29
RESPONSE:  RE:WWIII
I do hear what you are saying.  It's sad to be in such a situation where your husband is in the middle.  But, the only thing I can suggest is to turn a blind eye to all of it.  Pretend your MIL does not exist.  Pretend that all that she has done, and is doing, isn't happening right in front of her.  This will make her even more mad, and maybe this will be your husband's signal to cut the apron strings and back you up.  And, it will let your mil know that nothing she does, or can do in the future, will affect you.  Another approach may be the total opposite ... confront her ... with your husband by your side.  Whichever fits the situation at hand ... do it.
 5/30
RESPONSE:  Re: World War III
I'm so sorry to hear about all your MIL troubles.  In reality, the biggest problem you and most of the other DIL's here have is the "husband" problem.  I cannot, for the life of me, understand a man who allows his mother to hurt not only his wife, but his children, and then excuse it with, "She's my mother.  What can I do?"  Please tell, not suggest, TELL your husband that the two of you need to get counseling together to get through this difficult time.  If he refuses, give him an ultimatum: "Either we get counseling, or a divorce.  Take your pick."  AND BACK IT UP.  Good luck.  And I hope things work out.  Sometimes people like your husband need a push or a thump on the head before they finally wake up and take action.  The fact that he's stood up to his mother before is a good sign.  He just needs to realize that his strength in dealing with his mother has to be CONSISTENT, not occasional.

I feel for you, trying not to say unkind words because of "showing respect to elders".  Please remember that none of this is your doing.  Don't believe for a minute that some of these "elders" don't use that "respect" gambit as an excuse to be as rude as they know how to be, knowing they can get away with it.  Being assertive and telling a person their behavior is wrong is NOT being rude.  Rudeness consists of the kind of back-biting, lethal behavior your mother-in-law employs.
1/5
Am I being unreasonable?  My in-laws have a large, deep unfenced swimming pool.  They also have a spa with a soft floating cover, and two fish ponds that are both over my daughters head.  I have told them and my husband that I think that their backyard is unsafe, and that I can't relax while the kids are out there.  They also have a deck above the backyard that has gaps wide enough for my children ( their only grandchildren) to fall through.  The law in my country says that their pool should be fenced, but they have found a loophole.  Even if there was no law, I would fence my swimming pool if young children were going to be around it .  Both my husband and in-laws dismissed my concerns.  My MIL said that I would just have to watch them.  My DH quoted statistics.  I said, "Fine.  I hope that will make you feel better when my child is found floating face down."  My MIL and I were out in the back garden.  I didn't hear a splash or anything.  I heard a scream from my daughter.  Luckily, she had managed to grab hold of the side of the fish pond before her head went under.  The first thing my MIL said was, "THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM, DIL."

Since that incident, nothing has been done to improve safety.  Instead, they joke about the incident.  I told my DH that I will never forgive myself or him if one of our children drowns, and that it will destroy our marriage.  He doesn't feel that there is anything he can do about it.  My response is to NEVER leave my children at my outlaws.  She has never, and will never, get to baby-sit my darlings, as she has no regard for their welfare.  P.S they are millionaires so $$$$ is not an issue.  What do you think?
 12/20
        signed - Love My Kids, MIL All Wet

RESPONSE:  LOVE MY KIDS
Part of parenting includes watching your kids.  Even if the pool was fenced in, there are plenty of other dangers out there for your children.  Young children can find many things to get into.  You are their mom, and that includes watching them at all times.
 12/21
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids, Mother in law all wet
I have gone through the same kind of safety concerns when my children were little.  MIL leaves prescription drugs all over the house.  She has a tray of them under her sink in the bathroom and on top of that it weigh's over #50 pounds.  She can't get up and down stairs, and would not check on the kids in any kind of a hurry.  Every time DH and I would want to go somewhere, he would insist MIL baby-sit, and I would voice my concerns to deaf ears, and we would argue and end up going nowhere.  How can these DH's choose their mothers feelings over their own children's safety and well being???
 12/21
RESPONSE:  love my kids
Oh, that first response was awful.  You should watch your kids at all times.  Ok, you're not allowed to go to the bathroom, never take a shower again.  God forbid you ever get sick and have to lay down.  That person who responded hasn't got a clue about reality, and don't take it personally.

Now, about your in-laws and the pool problem.  Your final paragraph is right.  You can't go over there with your small children again.  You're putting your children at risk.  You have made it perfectly clear with your in-laws how you feel.  Wasn't that nice of them to blame you for that pond incident and to make jokes about it?  You're the mom, and trust your instincts.

I had the same problem with my in-laws.  Not only the pool problem, but mil and sil wore hearing aids.  They would leave their batteries laying around.  Now, if those are ingested they are fatal.  My toddlers picked them up on numerous occasions.  Luckily for me, I never took my eyes off of them.  I finally gave up trying to take them over to visit because of too many close calls.  The in-laws thought it was really funny watching me chase my two kids.  I now sometimes wonder if they did it just to test me as a mom.  God only knows what their real intentions were.  I only know that their grandchildren were not their first concern.  Good luck to you, and I hope you really stick to your guns about not letting them go over there.  It's definitely not safe.  They are your children.  Protect them!!
 12/22
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids
These people do not deserve to be grandparents.  How can you love your grandchildren and not care for their safety?  I would not go to their home at all.  I know it is hard, but it would be cold comfort if something happened to one of your children to say, "But it was awkward to stay away."  The concept that they could joke about an incident which could have resulted in their grandchild drowning makes me think that they are just evil, nasty people, who obviously take much pleasure in your discomfort.  Unfortunately, when this puts your children at risk, they have crossed a very big line.  I'm furious just thinking about it, and I don't even know them!  As for watching them all the time, yes, that is very good in theory, and we all try to do that.  However, even if you watch them slip and fall, that wont stop them hurting themselves, hitting their heads, etc.  This is worth making a very, very big stand over.  Good luck.
 12/26
RESPONSE:  all wet
Children should be watched by someone most of the time.  They are your kids, your responsibility.  You can't childproof the entire world.  Just don't take them over to the grandparents; simple enough, eh?  It is scary to think people go to sleep while their children are running around unsupervised.  Chill baby girl.
 12/27
RESPONSE:  All wet
This is in response to the poster who needs to keep telling people to "chill".  You sound too much like a MIL.  This is a SUPPORT board, in case you're not aware of it.  People don't appreciate being told to "chill" when they have some very real concerns about their IL's, safety of children, and other important things.  Whoever you are, your tone is not appreciated.
12/28
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids
You are wrong, they are right.  If you love your kids, you should watch them!!!  Incidentally, why would you say such a horrible thing such as finding your children "floating face-down" ... ???  It sounds as if you want it to happen, just to prove your point.
12/28
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids
It REALLY disturbs me to see some of these venomous responses to people's legitimate problems!  OBVIOUSLY, this woman IS a loving mother who is concerned with her children's welfare - otherwise she wouldn't have gone to the trouble of writing in for advice about this issue.  She needs to watch her children???  Well, whoever keeps writing that obviously doesn't have any children!!!  Even if you watch your children intensely, you could turn your head for a second and your children would be severely hurt.  Then this other hatemonger wrote that she wished her children would be laying face down dead???  What kind of evil person would write such a thing?  The backyard IS UNSAFE!!!  And this poster has EVERY RIGHT to be upset with her ILs about it!  They have no excuse for not fixing these hazardous conditions, and I would not let my children go over there until they do take some action to make it safer.  Whoever this poster is, you sound like a scorned MIL!!!  Take your venom elsewhere!
12/29
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids, MIL All Wet
I think it is awful that they would think so little of their grandchildren.  I think you are doing the right thing by not letting them babysit.
1/1
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids, MIL All Wet
That first response was AWFUL!  Look, I have one child, she was 12 weeks premature and I almost lost her ...  I'm probably WAY too protective of her.  But she is doing very well in school and social situations, so I'm not too concerned.  However, I keep one eye on her almost constantly.  Of course there are times when it is impossible to watch her, and I have had to force myself to give her more independence ... LOL.

However, it only takes one brief moment for disaster to strike in a situation like your MIL's yard.  I think it is wonderful that they have so many nice things (I'm a huge pond freak myself, but live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, so I could never really enjoy one due to climate ...) but they (she) needs to realize that all that water is EXTREMELY dangerous to children.  You should NEVER allow your children to play in the yard unless you can literally be right on top of them at all times. 

As for allowing MIL to keep the kids for a day or two ... Sorry, but NO.  Unless some fences get put up, and some attempt at childproofing that yard is undertaken, those kids can't be allowed over there.

Just my opinion ...
1/2
RESPONSE:  Love my kids, MIL all wet
You are right to be concerned.  Last year, my MIL's gate latch to her pool was broken and DH's 21 month old nephew ended up "face down".  Now he is "six foot under".  It breaks my heart.  It's almost a year since me and DD have been there.  DD will never be there without me.  It creeps me out that they kept the pool open and swam in it all last summer.  MIL cries and doesn't understand why no one wants to go and visit her at the house.  How can anyone be so stupid?  The pool should have been bulldozed.
1/3
RESPONSE:  love my kids MIL all wet
Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond to my post.  It is true that I cannot childproof the whole world.  If we take that comment to its logical conclusion, however, I shouldn't bother putting household detergents out of my child's reach or bother putting a barrier at the top of the stairs.  I should not worry about having a fenced section, or always run the cold tap first in the bath.  I mean, hey, how likely is it that my child will drink the detergent, fall down the stairs, run onto the road or climb into the bath?  I'm SUPER MUM who is there every second of the day WATCHING my child closely.  Phones never ring in my world.  I'm never distracted for a few crucial seconds, I don't have more than one young child to watch and only two pairs of eyes.  It is fatalistic to take the view that if you can't protect your children 100% you should not attempt to protect them at all.  I cannot control everything, BUT I WILL control what I can.  My MIL's backyard has not ONE but FOUR!!!!! water hazards, plus a dangerous balcony.  I have two young children.  In my posting I told you how, despite the fact that both my MIL and I were in the backyard watching my children, my daughter STILL ended up in the water (and, she of course blamed ME immediately).

I also want to mention that they put a safe hardwood cover on their hot tub at their holiday home.  They have friends with young children who often use it, and they obviously consider these children worth protecting, unlike their grandchildren.

Finally, the kicker is the tale of my BIL who was found floating face down in the pool by my MIL and her mother who were WATCHING him.  They were actually sitting talking, dangling their feet in the pool when my MIL's mother noticed him floating.  He LIVED, and she has the gall to rubbish my fears for my children!!  HOW twisted is that????
1/5
RESPONSE:  Love My Kids, MIL All Wet
I am horrified just reading these stories.  To the person who lost her nephew, please accept my condolences.  For all of you who have to deal with in-laws who refuse to take safety precautions, maybe you could report them to their city department of health & safety.  I'm quite sure that there are safety standards in most cities that would REQUIRE homeowners to put a fence and gate around their pool.  This amazing lack of concern could not only affect their own family members, but other neighborhood children, & stray animals as well.  There have been articles about lawsuits from people who have had dogs drown in a neighbor's pool that wasn't adequately safety-guarded (no gates in the yard, no pool cover, etc.).  If reporting these clueless cretins is the only thing that will get them to take action, so be it.  In case anyone feels guilty about the fact that Grandma & Grandpa may have to pay a stiff fine for their carelessness, all I can say is, the price could be much higher.  Don't hesitate to report them, even to the police, if necessary.

P. S.  In case you didn't notice, I have no sympathy whatsoever for people who not only callously brush off legitimate concerns (as the mom's in-laws did in the 1st letter) but then go to such extreme measures NOT to comply with safety standards, just to be able to say to their DIL's (never the SON, mind you), "Nyah, nyah, you're a bad parent for not watching your kids properly."  Risking the LIVES OF CHILDREN just for this cruel pleasure, which is, by the way, COMPLETELY the in-law's fault?  What kind of sick f*ks are these people?  They shouldn't be allowed to have children on their property, let alone in their care.  And the fact that they would JOKE about it afterward tells me that these are not just brainless people, but incredibly cold-hearted ones at that.  I say, report those 2 dumb @sses at once.
1/5
Finally, my mother-in-law's visit for a week has ended peacefully.  For the first part of the visit, I was at a conference.  I had to spend with her about four days, and it was like walking on fire.  She was staying with us in our small apartment.  We had to buy a new mattress just for her.  Prior to my arrival, I learnt that she was sleeping in our bedroom, even after the mattress was delivered, because she said she liked our bed better.  I was shocked to hear that from my husband when I talked to him last over the phone, and I came home bracing for the worst.  Luckily, my husband had already arranged our bed and her mattress by the time I came home.  While on the train, I was thinking of all kinds of possibilities to claim my bed back.  While we were having dinner that evening, she repeated to me that she still likes our mattress better.  I had to ignore that.  I had also to ignore her frequent visits to our bedroom to get her clothes, which she had put in our wardrobe for those four days, just for the sake of peace.  I found actually that a combination of kindness and turning a blind eye to her ways of trying to get to me has worked out perfectly well.  From time to time, she would rub her son's head, and hug him.  The night before she left, we went to a concert.  After the concert ended, and while on our way home, she thanked only my husband, and and she gave him a big hug.  The funny thing is that my husband felt very uncomfortable, and came towards me and hugged me.  While at home I told him that it was strange that she never thanked me or hugged me as well.  He said that he noticed it too, and that he did not like it.  The fact that my husband noticed her strange behavior was very comforting to me.  At least he sees it. 
 1/5
        signed - At Least He Sees It
Chinese Proverb:  To truly know a woman's virtue and integrity, ask her daughter-in-law.
 1/5
        signed - To Truly Know A Woman's Virtue
OK, I actually have a positive MIL story I have to share.  Then, so as not to make you think I do NOT have a relative that makes my life a living hell, I'll f/up with one about my wonderful stepmonster.  OK, I'll tell the bad story first, then the nice one, to try to end on a positive note.

This all happened on the Christmas holiday.  Among other things my SM did that made me want to throw a drink in her face, was this - kind of the last straw.  When we walked into the house (done ONLY for my dad's sake) the floor was slippery from snow, and I was wearing high heels.  I slipped and fell right on my face the moment I walked in the door (great entrance, huh), and it HURT (my knee is still bruised).  She pointed at me and LAUGHED HER A$$ off, right in my face.  Not like a breaking-the-tension, nervous laugh, but a hearty laugh like she really got off on seeing me hurt myself.  Usually I am more civil than this, but it's been a rough year, and before I could stop myself, I looked her right in the eye and snarled, "Yeah, (her name here), har-de-f***ing-har".  Either no one else heard, or they decided to let it go, because everyone else wants to slap the you-know-what out of her too.  But she heard, because all the color drained out of her face, and she wisely stayed away from me for the rest of the night.

Here's the nice one.  Not trying to make you all sick, but it really made my day (and made up for having to deal with my SM making my life hell).  My mom showed me the Christmas card that my MIL sent her.  Inside she wrote one of the most touching things I've ever seen - also, my MIL is warm and loving, but not "mushy" or overly sentimental, which is fine with me.  My MIL had written a note to my mom - "Thanks so much for sharing your daughter with us.  Each year we love her more."  People like her give me faith in human nature ... it may sound sappy, but I remember her words every time I am feeling down, to remind me that there are a lot of kind, wonderful people out there.
 1/5
        signed - Unlucky Step-Daughter, But Extremely Lucky DIL
I'm balancing my checkbook when the phone rings.  It's my MIL, and she says, "We're cleaning the attic.  Do you want the cookie jar back that you gave me last year?  I don't have room for it!"  As I sat in total shock with my chin on my chest, I responded no sooner than 10 seconds later, "Well ... I ... Yes, I'll take the cookie jar the girls gave you for Christmas back!"  She continued, "What's the matter?"  And, of course I was still SHOCKED ... and stated as such.  Then she commented, "You make a big deal over everything."  CAN YOU IMAGINE!  Over the course of the next 48 hours I spoke to my wonderful maternal grandmother (with 40 grandchildren).  I asked her if she was in need of an extra cookie jar.  She was delighted.  It was like I had told her it was made of gold.  (I spent $50 on the jar, MADE SURE IT MATCHED MY MIL's KITCHEN TO THE TTT, and noted it was a gift from her new granddaughters when we gave her the gift!)

Two days later, my FIL called and I mentioned I would drive by and pick up the cookie jar because I was going to visit my grandmother, and she said she could use the cookie jar.  Well, you would think I peeled the skin off of her entire body when FIL told MIL.  And yes, she called immediately and let me have it.  She also said she just changed her mind.  She would keep it.  Yeh, right!  It's still in the attic or garbage, I suppose.  However, if you enter her kitchen, you'll find new deco plates, a xmas dish someone else gave her, etc.  All in the room she didn't have enough room in.

This week, something else happened, and it tops this.  And, it's Christmas week, and I feel awful from a call she made to me ... once again!  I've been trying to roll this petty stuff she stirs off of my back, but I have just about had it and I really don't know what to do!  Advice, suggestions, comments needed urgently!  No one in my entire 35 years has ever asked me to take a gift back!  Except MIL!!
12/23
        signed - DIL With Lost Cause (aka MIL)

RESPONSE:  DIL With Lost Cause
I understand how you feel about the Christmas present.  I gave my FIL a very nice shirt for Christmas one year.  A year later my MIL gave it to my husband to see if he would like it.  I dont think it had ever been worn.  I confronted my husband about the shirt.  He went back and told his mother he knew where the shirt had come from.  Her response was, "She doesnt forget anything, does she?" (meaning me), in a sarcastic tone.  I have given her very nice, expensive gifts in the past, and I never see them out or her using them.  I guess they are shut somewhere too.
12/29
RESPONSE:  DIL With Lost Cause aka MIL
Your MIL is so nasty and rude.  I loved how your MIL went ballistic when she realized FIL knew of her nasty deed.  My MIL is the exact same way.  She pulls stunts much the same as yours does, but doesn't want anyone to know about them (especially FIL).  When I start to tell a story involving something she said or did to me, she kicks me under the table and glares at me to make me shut up!  The nerve.  Whenever my FIL has had the occasion to overhear something my MIL has said to me, he says in front of everybody, "For goodness sake, do you have to be such a buttinski?"  It's great.  I think my weapon against her should be having FIL find out about ALL her nasty digs and rude behavior.  (If she doesn't kick my shins off in the meantime.)  Believe me, I've tried everything else.  I bet this would stop her in her tracks, eventually.  Maybe you should try this too.  Sounds like you have a good FIL.  He must have read MIL the riot act for what she did to you over the cookie jar, which is probably why she was so steamed.  The way I see it, if you don't want most people to know about the things you do, then that's a tip off that maybe you shouldn't act that way.  Guess this logic is lost on some people.  I admire that you have such a great attitude about it all.  Good luck.
 1/4
We live pretty much across the way from the IL's, & the first 3 months we were here, my MIL would call constantly.  At first I didn't mind, because they lived far away for most of the time that my husband & I were together, & I thought it was nice of her to make an effort to get to know me better.  After my SIL spent the weekend with us, MIL called as usual on Monday morning & proceeded to grill me about how much were SIL & DH drinking this weekend, etc., etc.  I replied that it didn't make a difference, that we were all over the age of 21 & not operating vehicles or the like.  I came to realize at that moment that she couldn't care less about calling to "chat" -- my DH's ex-wife used to be the family tattletale & my MIL was trying to engage me in similar activity.  And, my, did her & my FIL's tune change after I called them on it.  They really dislike me a lot, now that I'm on to them, and dislike me even more because I have thwarted just about every attempt at their little digging sessions.  They have done countless things to try & make us miserable.  Then, on X-Mas Eve, things came to a head with my SIL.  Over the past few months, my SIL was acting shifty & nosy, etc.  I thought, "Oh no -- this one's as bad as MIL," and my suspicions were correct.  SIL was so drunk that she came right out & said that she loves repeating to us all the things the IL's say about us because she loves starting that $**t.  SIL recounted discussions had with MIL about our financial situation, etc.  I informed SIL TWICE that if I wasn't going to like what she had to say, then not to say it, especially if it was "confided" to her.  DH & I found out that this type of discussion has been going on since we moved here, & that she hangs around with us just to report back to the IL's. (oh no, I'm so shocked.)  She left in a drunken huff when DH & I were cracking up at everything she said, and throwing in over-exaggerated gasps of, "No!  They wouldn't say that, would they?"  So the next day, my husband got on the phone & informed the IL's not to repeat anything to SIL because she has a big mouth. (Thank you -- there is a god & he does give discounts on spines!)  I am sitting back laughing my a$$ off now -- they are just squirming like rats calling left & right attempting to dig up info on exactly what was repeated.  All that DH tells them is it's nothing that wasn't already common knowledge over here.  I love it.  Now I'm actually amused when MIL calls.  She is totally having a freak-out over this -- "What did she say?"  I can hardly contain myself long enough to blurt out, "What does it matter?" because it just sends her reeling.  She deserves it for being a backstabbing MIL -- hopefully next time, she'll watch her p's & q's.
1/3
        signed - Hopefully She'll Watch Her P's & Q's

RESPONSE:  Hopefully she'll watch her p's and q's
Wow, did you guys play your cards right.  And you're having the last laugh now!  Good for you!  That is so great.  Pathetic people get what they deserve. J
1/4
Well, here is my story of my wonderful MIL.  I moved down south to finish up my Master's degree in business, and at the time my wife didn't want to go with me.  I said that was alright for now, but I expected her with me in a few months.  Well, I came down, bought a house for us, and had a job all lined up.  Her career would allow her to easily find a job.  I visited several times, when I was able to have some spare time away from class, and it seems that all Hell broke loose on my 30th BD.  I was staying with her at the IL's place when my wife and I had a small argument.  Well, my MIL heard us fighting, and promptly came to defend her little girl.  She started yelling at me that I should have stayed there, and should not have bothered to go back to school.  She accused me of hitting her daughter, and several other things.  During this entire time, my wife just stood on the sidelines and didn't say a word in defense or anything.  I tried to say that the biggest reason that I was back in school was so that my wife and I could have a nice life, and so that she wouldn't have to work, and could have a few children and be a stay at home mom.  Well, I left, and about a month later, I told my wife to get down here with me, and that I was getting sick of being alone (during my school time, she rarely called, and only came down once to see me, after I paid for the ticket).  She said she would be down in a month or so.  Well, I'm excited, and getting the house all ready, and planning all kinds of things for the both of us.  I even planned to surprise her with a 2 week anniversary trip to Paris for our anniversary which was in a few months.  Well, I made the trip up to move her down, and after driving all night, I arrived ay her workplace to pick up the key to her parent's place so I could start loading the truck.  She then states that her parents don't want anyone over while they are not at home. Mind you, everything was all set when I left, and her mother decided to throw in this little twist.  I only had a few days, because I had to get back to classes.  Well, I tried to get it done that night, when they would be there, but they said they could not do anything that night.  This went on for 3 days, and at the end of it, I realized that my MIL had the control over her daughter that she had originally, and she did not intend to let it go.  She was always very controlling of her daughter, and was very jealous when I bought a nicer house than she had, and when I went back to school.  Well, after seeing how my wife was so spineless, and basically let her mother rule her, I said enough is enough and filed for a divorce.  This was just one of many times that my wife let her mother do this kind of thing, and I just got fed up and decided that they would be very happy in life together.
12/28
        signed - Saw The Light

RESPONSE:  Saw the Light
It's a shame your ex-wife doesn't have a spine.  You are a man to keep around!  I am no longer married, one of the reasons being my ex couldn't understand my need to complete my education (I am working on my second masters, MSPH).  Nice to see a kindred spirit.  Keep hope up, you will find a woman to appreciate you and your attempts.
1/4
When my DH and I bought a new bed, he left work early to meet the delivery men.  After the bed was delivered, he left to go out for a while, and I came home to an empty house, a new bed, and an answering machine with 7 messages from my MIL.  Each message more urgent than the next.  "Please call me, I need to talk to you about the bed."  By the 7th message, she sounded as though she were about to cry.  What could be so urgent about our bed?  Within minutes, my DH walked in the door, and I told him that his mother had left 7 messages.  Before taking off his jacket, he reached for the phone, saying, "I'd better call her back." (she has him well trained.)  Before he could even dial, she called again.  Apparently, she was desperately concerned that we would buy the wrong sheets (our new bed required deep pocket sheets), and she felt it was worth her entire afternoon to keep calling back to prevent us from making such a major mistake.  Unfortunately, I could populate your website with stories such as this one.  It makes for some funny stories to share with my girlfriends, but it is really difficult to cope with someone who is so needy of attention, and puts such a huge strain on me and my marriage.
12/27
        signed - At The End Of My Rope! Deep Pocket Sheets?!

RESPONSE:  At the End of My Rope: Deep Pocket Sheets
You have my sympathy.  All she had to do was leave a calm message on your machine (or just butt out and let you figure it out for yourselves, for crying out loud!).
12/28
RESPONSE:  At the End of My Rope: Deep Pocket Sheets
Heaven forbid you do make that mistake and have to use Customer Service to exchange them!  LOL
1/4
frequent fry her entryI am the poster of "5 more months" on 12/09/00.  My FMIL and I seem to get along on the surface, but I know what lies underneath that fake smile.  I am taking her one and only son.  Her lifeline.  Her only sanity.  He's 26 years old, for cryin' out loud!!!  We got engaged this past October.  She was the first one we told.  She smiled and said all of the right things.  It was like a recording. (Imagine congratulating a long lost acquaintance from middle school on their engagement.)  I then noticed a real change in her after that.  She never told any of her friends at work.  She didn't tell her parents.  I thought parents liked to brag.  (My mother told grocery clerks and telemarketers.)  Nothing I said was ever right.  She would loudly interrupt me and tell me why I was so wrong.  If my FH came in the door, she would get up and greet him warmly with, "Hi Angel!  How was work," etc.  Then she would see me come in after him and it would be, "Oh.  Hello." Her son and I have been dating for 3 years and I still have to call her Mrs. ******.  I just want her to acknowledge the fact that a wedding is going to happen in April, and she can't make it go away by ignoring it.
1/3
        signed - Wedding Will Happen In April

RESPONSE:  Wedding will happen in April
My MIL never wanted me to call her Mrs. ****** - she's not like that.  She prefers just to be called by her first name, which is fine.  BUT, there's no way in hell I would ever call her Mrs. ****** anyway.  Being married to her son makes ME Mrs. (same last name).  She's not even married to my FIL, and hasn't been for a very long time (just kept his name).  Assuming that your MIL and fiancé have the same last name, you're about to become the next Mrs. ******, so you have every right to stop calling her that if you want to.  If she has a different last name, though, that's probably a little different.  If she wishes to be called Mrs. *different name*, well it's rude since you're going to be in the family, but if that's the way she is, it's probably not going to change.

I think things like that are the MIL's way of letting you know that they don't consider you part of the family, that they consider you to be less important that you actually are.  When I first met my MIL, she wasn't terribly mean or anything, but there were several instances of her trying to keep me in my place, and that place was anywhere other than in their family.

My DH and I tied the knot just over 2 months ago.  Between then and now, several of my in-laws have told me, "Welcome to the family," and that they were glad to have me.  ALL of those were people on my FIL's side.  (as I said, MIL and FIL are divorced)  MIL's family (except for MIL's sister, whom I love a lot) is very selfish about themselves, and for a long while I felt like an intruder with them.  FIL and his wonderful family have more than made up for that, though.
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This is to the breastfeeding mom.  I too was criticized for choosing to breastfeed my two children.  However, the person who was criticizing me was my own mother.  When I had my daughter I was very young, and when my mother saw me breastfeeding my daughter she completely freaked out on me.  She would tell me that the reason my daughter was feeding so much (every 2 hours) was because she was not getting enough milk.  She went so far as to accuse me of starving my child.  Well, since I was so inexperienced I believed her, and stopped when she was three months, and I regret that decision every day.  For my second child, my son, I did some research, and I also looked up the website you mentioned.  I breastfed my son for eight months.  I wanted to breastfeed him longer, but I was returned to work and I couldn't keep up my diet.  But I got pure hell from my mother.  But, guess what?  My son was the biggest, happiest, and healthiest baby ever seen.  My son is now 2 years old, and we have such a strong bond, and I feel that the closeness we shared early in his little life sealed that bond.  Take care!
1/3
        signed - Another Criticized Mom

RESPONSE:  another criticized Mum
Good on you, I am so proud of you.  I found it difficult enough to put up with the criticism from my MIL at the ripe old age of 28!  I am the original poster of the breastfeeding story, and I was lucky enough to have a very supportive mother.  My Mum breastfed me for less than 3 weeks because the nurses at the hospital were ignorant and told her to give me formula because she didn't have enough milk.  Of course, that resulted in her losing her milk supply altogether.  She didn't feel the need to push me to bottle feed, because that was how she fed my brothers and I.  My Mum had no guilty feelings because she did the best she could for us at that time with the little knowledge and support she had.  We are very close and I pray that I am being as good a mother to my two as she was, and is, to my brothers and me.  My MIL, however, felt that my breastfeeding was a slap in the face to her mothering.  If I do anything different then I must be doing it WRONG, otherwise the inference is that SHE was wrong!  She can't see that everyone is different.

I really relate to your comments about being close to your children and the health benefits.  Both my children have been really healthy.  It's a great feeling to know that my milk helped keep them that way.
1/4
frequent fry her entryMy fiancé's grandfather died in December.  My FMIL has been taking care of him and her mother for the last couple of years.  When I told my mother what happened, she told me to go and help my FMIL as much as I could.  So I did.  I listened to her talk.  I helped her with phone calls.  I supported my fiancé.  Now ... wonder of wonders ...she likes me.  Holy Mother of God, she likes me.  I still don't know what to think.  I don't know how long it will last, and I still have to call her Mrs. ******, but it is finally getting better.  She has acknowledged the wedding, and is actually starting to warm up to the idea.  She still claims that we are too young, and still lets me know that she is NOT wearing a dress, but she is also encouraging.  Hang in there!  Sometimes it gets better!
1/3
        signed - Sometimes It Gets Better!

RESPONSE:  sometimes it gets better
Don't bet on it ! 
1/4
This is one of those classic SIL and MIL stories - they're both real gems.

Just before last Christmas, my neurotic SIL decided what her mom (my MIL) really needed for Christmas was a picture of all of her "kids" together.  My SIL found the perfect photography studio, and was going to arrange all of it; it would only cost us $70.00 each (there are 3 kids - my hubbie, his bro & sister) and that would cover the sitting fee and a nice picture package for my MIL.  Well, we relented, but I was worried, knowing my SIL has a history of screwing things up.  The week the pictures were to be taken, my SIL called to ask what I'd be wearing.  I had put a lot of thought into it, and bought a crushed velvet broom-stick skirt to match a dark red, equestrian-style jacket I had.  My SIL said she was going shopping.  Needless to say, the day of the pictures came and my SIL gave us the address of where to meet.  Neither my husband nor I had any idea of a picture studio close to the address my SIL had given us, but we set out anyway.  After asking directions, we finally found the photography "studio" - I kid you not - in the back side of a gas station.  We walked in, and there was all of this hay set up for us to sit on.  When my SIL arrived, you know what she was wearing!  A black velvet skirt and a bright red jacket, a perfectly clashing shade of red to my own.  Not to mention the fact that she is a perfect size "0" while I am a modest 11/12.  I was pissed.  But the "straw" that broke the camel's back was when the photographer asked me to straddle the hay in my skirt to set up for the picture.  I refused.  My SIL said I only think about myself, and then proceeded to ask for some shots with just the "family" - excluding me.  I was not disappointed, but finally sat in for a group picture.  When the pictures came back, they were horrendous, but already paid for so there was nothing we could really do about it.  What did we expect?  My SIL was so disappointed, that she went out and bought a bread maker for us to give my MIL to make up for the bad pictures.  It was $180, and my SIL said we could all split it 3 ways; I refused.  She was furious.  We had already paid $70.00 for ugly pictures, and being newlyweds, we were on a tight budget anyway.  My husband agreed with me and stood up to his sis.  However, my SIL must have gone to her mom with the story, because on Christmas Eve, when my MIL unwrapped the bread maker, she looked at me with piercing eyes and said ever so sweetly, "Oh, thank you so much for the bread maker.  It's just what I wanted."  I just smiled sweetly back at her and said, "You're welcome." - knowing full well we hadn't contributed a dime, and silently cursing my heinous SIL for her big mouth.
1/2
        signed - Refusing To Be Pushed Around ...


RESPONSE:  Refusing To Be Pushed Around ...
I really sympathize with your story!  Your witchy SIL sounded like she was trying to emulate you by wearing a similar outfit to the one that you were going to wear for those pictures.  By her trying to "outshine" you, it seems like she's very jealous of you.  I would have been livid when she suggested that the photographer take some pictures without you in them!  How dare she exclude you like that!  You ARE "family"!  And you were right not to fork over a penny for that stupid bread maker.  Your witch SIL can't expect you to over-compensate for the bad pictures when you are on a tight budget, and especially since it was mainly her fault that they turned out bad!  If your MIL thinks badly of you because of it, then so be it.  It's better than letting them push you around.
1/3
RESPONSE:  
Reminds me of my MIL and an incident with a cake.  I don't remember now which obligatory event it was for - a dinner at her house or a family reunion.  She had had been telling me that we didn't have to bring anything.  She called 8:00 the night before and said to dh, "Your wife could bring one of her pound cakes."  This cake happens to be very expensive to make, requires several ingredients that I don't keep around, and has to bake for almost two hours once you get it into the oven.  Then, it has a specific amount of time to cool in the pan and out of the pan - (which I found out the hard way MUST be followed).  I told my hubbie that under no uncertain terms was I going to bring one because it would be AT LEAST 1:00 am before it was cooked, since I'd have to go to the store first and then prepare and cook it.

(The cake is a recipe from my MOM's family that had been tweaked by several members of the family to get it to be "perfect".  None of the alterations come from me - my experiments have not worked out.)  I regret ever baking her one.  I did it to be nice when her own mother died - it's my family's standard thing to send for a baby, funeral, new neighbor, or other event where you send food, so I sent her one.

She's been trying to get the recipe from me, and get me to bring them ever since.  I should be flattered that she wants them, but she has never treated me with any respect, and she is not worth the trouble, and she will NOT get the (correct) recipe from me.  She may talk my Mother out of it if she finds out where it came from, but I don't intend for her to find that out.)
1/4
Well, two years ago, my MIL said "no gifts", but I had already arranged for my grandfather to paint a portrait from a picture she had taken in St. Martin.  She loves the beach, and I thought it would be nice to have one of her favorite pictures come to life.  My grandfather makes beautiful presents for his family every year.  Bird carvings, furniture, paintings ... he is an incredible artist.  Well, that year, I gave up whatever present I would have received from my grandfather, so that my MIL could have this gift.  I was so excited, and couldn't wait to give it to her.

It was hung on the wall for a month or so, and when my FIL repainted the living room, it didn't find it's way back on the wall.  I had always wanted to ask about it, because it truly hurt my feelings that other pictures were hung up in its place.  A couple of months ago, my MIL showed it to me and it had moisture damage on the inside, and she tried to blame it on the store where I had it framed.  Now she expects me to have it fixed for her.  I found the receipt, and gave it to her, so she could get it fixed herself.  She is out shopping all the time, and I don't have time to do it, so I told her it would be easier for her to get it done.

The only thing I hold on to is that I will get it back some day, hopefully in good condition, and I will cherish it for as long as I live, because it's something my Grandfather made.
 12/27
        signed - 'tis better to give than receive? ... hmmm

RESPONSE:  Tis Better to Give than receive
You know what?  A gift is just that: a gift you give someone.  Once you give it, it's no longer yours.  The recipient can do whatever they choose with it -- throw it away if they want to!!  It's not your business!  I can't believe you actually want it back.  If it's so special, why won't you help fix it for her? 
12/28
RESPONSE:  Tis Better to Give than receive
Ignore that first response.  It sounded mean-spirited and out of touch.  I think you have every right to feel upset if your MIL is power tripping and expecting you to jump and get the picture fixed when she snaps her fingers!  I wouldn't bother giving your MIL nice or meaningful gifts in the future if she's going to be so ungrateful.
1/1
RESPONSE FROM POSTER:  Tis Better to Give than receive
Responding to the person who told me it's none of my business what she does with my gift ... Did I not mention that my grandfather hand painted this?  Who knows how many more Christmases he will be around.  I do believe I also mentioned that I "cherished" his gifts, and was generous enough to give up my own gift so that my MIL could be happy.  I think this was a pretty heartfelt gift, and I got a lump in my chest when I read your nasty reply.  This is supposed to be a support site, thanks a lot for the support.

You know, I would help her get it fixed, but she is extremely self sufficient and is a shop-aholic.  She shops all the time, and especially at the store where I had it framed.  She's probably there 2-3 times a month.  I have two small children and work fulltime, and I'm lucky to get out of the house to go grocery shopping.

You shouldn't judge other people if you don't know their story.  I actually felt better getting this story off my chest, until I read your reply.  You don't belong on this site, you belong on one where MILs have trouble with their DILs.
1/3
RESPONSE:  Tis Better to Give than Recieve
Ignore that first response.  It sounds like it came from a cold hearted, ungrateful MIL.  If I were in your position, I would be profoundly upset.  I also like to give gifts that I put a lot of though into.  It makes it meaningful for the person it's intended for.  Anyone can go to the store and buy any old gift just to say they gave you a present.  It takes a warm hearted, thoughtful person like you to give such a wonderful gift that obviously had meaning to you (and her, due to what the painting was of).  Don't let MIL get you down.  Keep doing what you do for people who will actually appreciate it!
1/4
Last week I saw a rerun of the Dr. Laura show, and it reminded me of this website.  I am posting what I remember of one segment from that show.

A woman's parents live in Colorado, while she and her husband live in another state.  Her husband has a wonderful job, while she and her husband have a great life together and thoroughly enjoy where they live.  Her parents are trying to TELL her to move back to Colorado, with or without her husband.  She does not want to move back with her parents.  I wondered if, like lots of people I know (plus myself), she just couldn't wait to move away from home.

Miraculously, the parents agreed to be on national television to let Dr. Laura mediate this "dispute."

Dr. Laura told the parents that, basically, your daughter and her husband form their own family now, and that, biblically, her allegiances lie with her husband.  Case closed.

That poor gal's parents are probably still raising a big stink over this.  I see it as a control issue.

God bless that woman and her husband.
 1/3
        signed - Parents Still Raising A Big Stink
My husband and I have been together for 5 years.  My MIL & I got along fine until the day my soon-to-be- fiancé spoke about marriage.  From that day, for 15 months, she did not speak to me.  I called her up to ask for an explanation several times, and she just hung up on me.  My husband did nothing to intervene.  At about this time, (and still to this day,) she was / is addicted to many pain pills, every day, (Valium, morphine, vicodin, tylenol 4), which may have influenced this anger.  Before we were married, she would lock herself in her bedroom for days at a time, only leaving when he was asleep.  My husband was so mistreated while he was living with her.  She is so manipulative.  Whatever she wants, she will get.  He had to basically raise himself.  She is friendly towards me now.  She acts like nothing has ever happened.  Ever since we got married, she will not leave my husband at peace.  She pages him around 7-8 times a day, and calls at our house often past midnight, just for petty stuff.  I work some days and some nights.  She knows not to call when I am sleeping, so I can work that night.  We gave her a schedule.  She never fails to call and wake me when she is not supposed to call.  I don't want to be mean about this, but this is ridiculous!  She is so jealous that someone took her son away!  She's creating major problems in our marriage now.  She has 2 other sons who are married.  She is not on speaking terms with either of the other daughters-in-law and one of the sons (who tried to stop the hatred between them.)  She has peace bonds on all but one son.  Whenever that oldest son and his wife have a fight, (usually over her) my MIL always calls my husband (even at 2 am) for him to intervene.  He gets upset, but usually always calls his brother.  She has a grandson (from the other son and DIL) who is 2 years old, whom she has never seen.  She doesn't even acknowledge him.  The sad part is that he lives one street away from her.  She constantly brings her problems with the other sons & DIL's to my husband and me for some assistance.  She always wants my husband to be the one to call the son or DIL up with her argument.  I feel that should be her responsibility.  I do not want my husband to fight his mother's battles.  We are very close to my BIL's & SIL's.  I do not want that to change by having my husband step into their / MIL's fights.  Husband doesn't understand how all of this is affecting our relationship.  Husband has always gone out of his way to satisfy his mom.  Anything she wanted, he did, or tried to do.  He doesn't see a problem with all of this.  I don't want this to be a matter of taking sides, but he has been siding with his mother, telling me that she's not causing any trouble in our marriage, and I'm just making a big deal out of this, because I don't like her.  She just relies too much on my husband to fix all of her problems with her sons/ DIL's.  She constantly talks bad about her other sons and their wives, trying to get us to turn against them.  I am better than that, and I won't change my relationship with my SIL/BIL's.  I am going crazy over all the phone calls, butting-in, and jealousy.  This is creating serious problems!!
 1/3
        signed - Going Crazy Over All The Calls
My husband and I spent Christmas with my FIL, who lives 1500 miles away from us, and had a wonderful time (I love my FIL and his family).  MIL held "her" Christmas on Dec. 30 because DH and I and his siblings were all with FIL for the "real" Christmas, and that only left New Year's Day, Monday, available to see my parents.  Well, the evil MIL tried to pull a guilt trip on my DH on the 30th with the following: "You ARE going to come back and see your brother and sister before they leave on Tuesday, RIGHT?"  She said this knowing full well that we were having Christmas with my parents on New Year's Day.  She'd known that for over a month.

My fantasy response to MIL (a.k.a. Wish I'd said this ...)  "Yeah.  Right.  We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them at FIL's house.  We spent the 30th with them at YOUR house.  Would you mind at all if your son and I spent ONE day with MY family?  Contrary to your current beliefs, this planet does not revolve around you and your family, so please get the hell over yourself.  And furthermore, quit that guilt trip stuff because you're DEFINITELY never going to get your son and I to do what you want that way."

I really wish that she would realize her place.  I'm his wife, not her.  She seems to think it's ok to jump in and make decisions that clearly should be made by my husband and I - alone.  This can involve our plans and our home.  She has no regard for what we may have going on in our life, our home, etc.  We're just supposed to alter everything for her.
 1/3
        signed - We're Just Supposed To Alter Everything?
I did this to my evil MIL -- nothing me or DH get her will be acceptable, so we went out of our way to annoy the hell out of her this year.  I gave her a Xmas-themed dinner bell & this cheesy-a$$ stuffed snowman that she so pretended to love.  The best part was what we got FIL -- a nice big bottle of top shelf scotch, so he could snore at the top of his lungs after passing out in his chair.  After the sheer hell they put us through this year, it's time to have a little fun of our own!  DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOU ALIVE!!!
 1/3
        signed - Don't Let Them Take You Alive
Note:  This story moved here from 12/23/00 archive due to recent receipt of a response.

The person I write about is my partner's mom, who is also the person I consider as my mil.  I can only hope you will be so objective and open minded as to publish this story, for I feel as if this is a tribute to her as a person.  MIL  has been in my life for 16 months now, and the reason she does not get on my nerves is we are so much alike.  We like to shop and compare notes.  Here is the story:

MIL is unlike any other mother in law, she is caring, loving compassionate, and accepting of whatever road a person chooses to journey down.  My mom died when I was 8 years old, and after 25 years I have a woman in my life that treats me as if I were her own son, a relationship I have longed for and wished for all of my life.  Last week we received a Christmas card from her and partner's dad, and at the end of the card she wrote, and I quote, "Thank you so much for all your thoughtfulness.  You have given us so many happy memories.  Now we have another son in our family."  For the first time in my life I received a card that had those precious words on it - "To Our Son."  The moral of the story is this:  Not all MILs are nasty and deceitful.  My MIL is living proof that some are truly saints.
 12/13
        Signed - Truly A Saint

RESPONSE:  Truly a saint
That is so beautiful!  I got a little choked up.  Good for you, and good for her!  That is just awesome.
 12/14
RESPONSE:  Truly a saint
I know exactly what you mean.  My future MIL treats me like a daughter.  I have only seen them a handful of times, as we live cross-country from them.  But each time I enter their home, their arms are wide open.  She is one of the most loving mothers on this earth.  I lost my mother, too, and know what it is like to find a mother's unconditional love after losing it.  I am grateful for that, and wish I could share my future MIL with all readers who have such problems with theirs.  Glad you found a mother's love again, poster.
 1/3
I have countless MIL stories, but the latest is the funniest.  I've known MIL pretty much forever.  She and my mom were even very close friends at one time.  She hasn't liked me for about 14 yrs.  Anyway, through the years she has talked pretty badly about me, my relatives, my friends, and as of late, my husband.  You see, lately, her tactics haven't been working with him, and so with each issue he stands up to her on, she becomes more desperate and tries a new tactic.  It usually goes like this;  1st, she uses intimidation, and when that doesn’t work she moves on to;  #2, which is waterworks.  Tears, and lots of "woe is me" stories, and when that doesn’t work she pulls out the big guns;  #3, which is that she feigns an illness.  This is where the latest story starts.  About 3 months ago, because of much abuse from her, I decided that, after much prayer, that for my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well-being that I would no longer have social contact with MIL.  I made everything clear to my husband, everything I have suffered at her hand (or should I say tongue) and my decision to start taking care of myself instead of trying to keep peace for his and my daughter's sake.  So he agreed that I should do whatever was necessary for me to take care of myself, and I made it clear that I would not try to stop him from seeing her or from him taking our daughter to visit with her.  Because of circumstances, Husband ended up telling her that I had decided not to have contact with her any longer until things were straightened out.  Well, not a week later she starts having these "Life threatening headaches", has to be rushed to emergency several times, once even by ambulance.  Well, he makes a few trips to the hospital and to her house, and I began to feel guilty about not going to see her or to support him at the hospital, but there was also part of me that felt that this was a drama tactic.  So, again I pray and pray and pray, and I still feel no desire to participate in this "tragic scene".  So I don't.  Well, this goes on for about 4 weeks, and of course cat scans, MRI's, Blood tests, Spinal tap, all show nothing.  I'm sure MIL had real pain, but I feel it was/is a self-inflicted pain.  Not being able to control, when that is what you want and what you are used to, can be very painful.  Well, the next thing I know she's blaming me for the headaches.  She's telling mutual friends that I have caused her so much emotional stress because everything I do puts a wedge between her and her son and "HIS" daughter, and she can't take it anymore.  Well when I decided not to have contact with her, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer keep what she and her family did and said to and about me to myself.  I would now share with and confide in my husband all my experiences including the ones involving her.  (By the way, this has been one of the better decisions I've made regarding MIL).  So I told him the latest rumor regarding me being the cause of her illness, and when I did he told me that he had already addressed this.  He told her that he would no longer sit back and watch her hurt me, that he watched me do everything in my power to try to make things work, and that he felt that there was nothing more I could do to try to make things better.  He also told her that it was her actions that affected the relationship with her son and granddaughter, not anything I've done.  So he put the ball in her court.  And I couldn’t be more happy about that.  It's taken 5 yrs. and 8 months, but he finally spoke up on my behalf.  This, from a man who said, when we were first married, "It's just easier to go along with her than to fight with her.  That's what we all do."  My mother and aunt gave me the best advice and I'd like to share it with you fellow frustrated DILS, "Never scream and yell at him about what his mother really is, let him see it for himself. The screaming and yelling and fighting just distracts him from seeing a clear picture."  How true this has turned out for me.
12/28
        signed - Finally Feeling Protected

RESPONSE:  Finally Feeling Protected
Congratulations on taking control of the situation and finally putting your own needs first.  It is great to hear that your husband is now supporting you too.  I am still in the process of screwing up enough courage, or whatever it takes, to take that step of distancing myself more fully from the MIL, who is having such a disastrous effect on my own well-being.  My husband, though he can see her for what she is, and supports me privately, still finds it impossible to stand up against his mother.  It is, therefore, encouraging to read of stories such as yours.  Thank you.
1/3
I just don't know what to do about my mother in law anymore.  The first year my husband and I were together I tried so hard to be nice and thoughtful and perfect ... needless to say, nothing worked.  The harder I tried, the nastier she got.  To give a few examples: the first year we were together I went with him for their Thanksgiving celebration, and I tried to be outgoing and friendly, something which is very difficult for me, as I am very shy.  Anyway, as a shy person I hate having attention called to me, especially in a negative fashion.  And, so, halfway through the Thanksgiving festivities she yelled across the room at me not to cover my face when I was in the midst of pushing up my glasses, which caused his entire family to stare at me, and I was very self conscious the rest of the evening.  Then, that same year I also went over there for Christmas and I had spent a lot of time picking out presents for his family members.  I had made a pair of earrings for his mother, bought a teddy bear for his niece, and a book for his grandmother.  I sent these presents with him because I was going to be spending the morning with my family.  Anyway, as soon as I walked in the door his mother was telling me that I was late and that my gift to his grandmother was inappropriate and impolite because I had failed to write a personal note to her on the inside cover of the book.  These are just a few incidents that have occurred over the last couple of years, and the problem is that I just don't want to try anymore.  The more I am around her the more I dislike her.  She demands that everyone jump when she says so.  She spends most of her time ordering people to do things for her.  And then she also portrays herself as the damsel in distress.  She's had such a hard life, and everyone is abusive towards her.  Her mother is abusive towards her (her mother is a sweet little old woman whom I have never seen utter a harsh word to anyone); her co-workers are abusive towards her; her son is abusive towards her every time he isn't there the moment she says she wants him.  And, if there's no recent slight to bring up, she will delve back twenty years or more into the past for an incident that will show what a hard life she has had and how horrible people have been to her.  Even the littlest thing she is capable of construing as being abusive toward her, yet she doesn't curb her speech or think of other's feelings before she makes one of her typically nasty, thoughtless, or demeaning statements.  Then, the other thing which drives me nuts is that, yes, she was in abusive relationships with men in her past, and while she will recount at will any one of a hundred incidents both large and small, she never mentions the three children she dragged through these same relationships, because she was the perfect mother who always looked out for her children.  She's so perfect, in spite of the fact that one of her children's arms was broken by one of the abusive men that she was dating.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I wanted her to like me at first, but now I just don't care anymore, because I don't like her.  If any of you have any idea of how to make this situation any better, please let me know, or please just commiserate with me a little bit, because I can't talk to my husband about it, because mom wasn't perfect but she was dealt such a bad hand and none of my friends are married so they have no idea what this is like.  Thank you very much for letting me rant.  I needed it (can you tell that she came over and pounded on my door today and demanded my immediate assistance).  Thank you!
1/2
        signed - Wanted Her To Like Me At First - Now Don't Care

RESPONSE:  Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now Don't Care
My MIL "was a prostitute & her first husband wanted a harem."  She has a mentally ill son who is 40 & she goes to clean his house every week & take him shopping, etc.  And then complains about it to no end.  She cries to me how she has to do it & how she gets no help from her current husband (DH's father) & how she's such a slave to everyone's whims.  I'm like, "Uh, you don't HAVE to do anything."  And even sicker than that, my FIL allegedly molested my SIL.  Then again, SIL is a pathological liar & you really can't tell when she's telling the truth about anything.  But FIL does come off as a pervert.  One day, my DH & I & SIL & her BF went to a concert.  My FIL was coming off all hot & bothered by what SIL was wearing (one of those short outfits -- nothing sleazy).

Sometimes I get so sick of hearing all their hardships, & not because I'm an insensitive person.  It's just that these people constantly embellish the truth.  DH takes all the crap that happened to him in stride & doesn't believe half of their stories.  I really wonder how he turned out such a good guy.
1/3
RESPONSE:   Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now Don't Care
To briefly quote the original story: "She demands that everyone jump when she says so.  She spends most of her time ordering people to do things for her.  And then she also portrays herself as the damsel in distress.  She's had such a hard life, and everyone is abusive towards her."

Wow!  She sounds just like my MIL.  She's always the martyr.  If she's fresh out of recent slights, she will tell you all day long about all the terrible things that were done to her, with her marriage failing, and her ex-husband running off to another woman, and the other woman stealing her husband away, all of which is total nonsense.

She made a giant stink a few days before our wedding because my FIL would be escorting his wife and not her.  Oh, well, GEE WHIZ, heaven forbid the man choose his wife over his EX-wife!  She got upset with my husband over that, first.  Then, the next thing was that, because my husband basically pointed out our concern over whether she'd be able to behave and control herself at our rehearsal dinner, she played the wounded mother whose son was being disrespectful to her.  She told her hot-headed a$$h*le brother HER side of that story.  So he called my husband and yelled at him like a two-year-old for how he "treated" his mother, telling him that our wedding day was the "most important day of her life," and that he better go over to her house and tell her that she's the most important woman in his life.  Yeah, right.  Of course, thankfully for me, my husband has a mind of his own, and can't be influenced like that.  This was 4 days before our wedding.  Well, my DH did not go over, he didn't even call her.  That was good.  I hoped that we could get across the point that this was our wedding, and that the pathetic martyr crap wasn't going to work.  At the rehearsal, she started in on him right away about how much he "hurt her".  Please.  While I play my tiny violin, I'll tell you that neither I nor my DH feel sorry for her in this situation.  She brought it on, herself.  She can't get over a divorce that happened almost 20 years ago, she continues to be bitter and resentful towards my FIL and his wife (who live hundreds of miles away, and also have been married for 15-16 years now).  The kids they had together are all in their 20's now, and she never has to have anything to do with FIL/wife again, yet she continues to torture herself (and us) with her hatred.  That marriage, by the way, was her second one.  She hasn't been married since.  She doesn't even date anymore.  She was dating one guy that her family liked a lot.  The guy did all sorts of things for her and the kids when they were younger.  He even replaced her roof when she couldn't afford it.  Yet, she stopped seeing him.  The reason?  In her words, he wanted to be around her all the time, and he was getting in the way of her time with her kids.  Well, big surprise - in her eyes everything is in the way of her time with her kids.  I swear she would marry her kids if it was legal.  They are all adults now, but she treats them like children because she can't deal with the fact that they are GROWN. UP.  As the wife, this pisses me off to no extent.

My husband is not a child and he and I can take care of ourselves without any involvement from her. She once bought "the kids" their favorite cereals - from when they were little kids - and sent my DH's home with him. (this was very recent)  It was one of the junk cereals where the main ingredient is sugar.  I was furious, because I had already told her that we don't buy foods like that because my DH shouldn't have foods with that much sugar, due to a certain health problem he has.  She is well aware of his problem, and she is aware, because I told her a number of times, that he shouldn't have foods like that.  But, I suppose since he's one of "the kids", that gives her the right to do whatever she wants.

We've been thinking of someday moving to where FIL lives, and I think that if we actually go, she is going to be the thing to finally get us packing.  I think DH's brother could also end up living in that area, too, one day.  My biggest fear is that once we go, she'll want to follow us because she can't deal with being away from her kids.
1/3
RESPONSE:   Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now Don't Care
I can relate to your story.  My MIL loves to get sympathy from others, and loves to be the center of attention.  She repeats the same pathetic stories over and over again, and I wonder how much is true and how much is embellished.  She has told me hundreds of times that she had a bad childhood, a terrible mother, and an absentee father.  My MIL says she wished that her parents loved her the way she loved her own two children, who she always put first in her life.  I used to feel sorry for her, but then over the years finally realized what my MIL really is: a pitiful phony who will say anything to get attention.

My MIL was a very successful career woman in the 1970's.  She actually brought a shoebox full of her old paycheck stubs (from 20 years ago) to my house one night in order to show me how much money she once made (she hasn't held a job since 1985)!  Again, she was seeking attention.  I did not ask to see that information, and I was not impressed!  Anyway, she was away from home a lot back then, and a nanny cared for her two boys, who my husband said beat them with a strap when they misbehaved.  Eventually, my MIL had a nervous breakdown from the stress of her job, and in a moment of rage threw a fork at my husband when he was just a child.  The fork stuck in his upper lip, and to this day he still has a scar.

When someone has to brag about what a wonderful parent they are, it's obvious they're feeling guilty and insecure.  Take everything she says with a grain of salt.  If she ever puts you down, be sure to speak up for yourself.  I know it's difficult, because I am also a very shy person, but after seven years of dealing with my MIL I have learned to assert myself.  Don't go out of your way to have a close relationship with her.  It's not worth it, trust me.  Been there, done that.  The less you see of this woman the happier you will be!
1/3
RESPONSE:  Wanted Her To Like Me At First - Now Don't Care
My MIL is nothing like that, but I still have a lot of sympathy for you!
1/3
RESPONSE:   Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now Don't Care
Don't you just want to bet/dare her in front of *everyone* that she can't think of 20 good things that have happened to her?
1/3
RESPONSE:   Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now Don't Care
I sympathize so much with what you are forced to deal with!  I don't blame you one bit for not caring what she thinks anymore.  She definitely has a big problem!!  If I were you, I wouldn't go to any of her functions anymore.  It sounds like she will use whatever ammunition she has against you.  Not to sound ominous, but to her, you are the "evil one" creating trouble in paradise.  My MIL feels the same way about me.  Your MIL has proven herself to be a very insensitive, coldhearted person.  She is a formidable enemy because she's threatened by you.  I'd keep her at a distance if I were you.  It seems she only brings grief into your life.  You don't need that.  You deserve to be happy.  Good Luck!
1/3
I'm so glad to have this website, I really need to vent.  My MIL, as usual, made the holidays unbearable.  Since the day I met her, 14 years ago, she has had a negative view of life and everyone involved in it.  I have listened to her gossip for way too long.  She is very jealous of me because my H has told her that when he has time away from his job (which isn't a lot) he wants to spend that time with me and his two year old daughter.  She also gets jealous around Xmas because of the time my husband and I spend finding gifts for each other.  I cannot even begin to say all the terrible things she has said to me, or about me, they are so numerous.

When we arrived the day after Xmas, MIL starts gossiping about FIL.  Then, she says she's coming to stay in a hotel, five minutes away from us, to work things out with him.  My H says he doesn't want to be placed in the middle, and said he wouldn't choose sides.  He proceeded to tell her that we had plans and a visit wasn't convenient for us.  She got so mad that he wouldn't side with her, and when that didn't seem to affect my H she sta