Note: This
story moved here from 6/3/00 archives due to recent receipt of a response.
I can so relate to each and every story here! Who knew so many
wives were going through exactly what I am! Some days, I wonder
if it's all worth it. I've been married almost 9 years, and
I love my husband dearly. And I know he loves me. But
his family is just different than mine. I mean, I wasn't taught
that lying was good. My husband was raised to lie to get what
he wants. He has two children from a previous marriage, (I have
one) my MIL even taught my husband's children to lie. She caused
SO many problems in my marriage. She faked a heart condition
for years just to get sympathy and attention from her children.
They always told me not to upset mom because of her heart. Years
later, with other health issues, it was found that her heart is probably
stronger than mine!
When we were married, we had planned to have a big reception during
the next holiday weekend because most of my family lives in different
states. The first month of my marriage, my MIL announced that
she was giving my husband and I a reception so that I can meet all
of my new family. I told her what we were planning, and why.
She still insisted on having this reception, only now she called it
a dinner. When we arrived at this dinner, it had "reception"
written all over it. All the way down to a wedding cake (banana
filled ... I am allergic!) In the middle of this disaster, I
found out that my MIL had called my mother and asked that she pay
half of the costs for this dinner. My mother refused, reminding
my MIL that we were planning a reception in the months ahead, and
that she would help with the costs then. I never had the wedding
reception I was planning. It was here that I knew I wanted little
to do with my in-laws!
She manipulated my stepchildren. She played between us for years.
The youngest, who's college age now, has caught on to grandma's game.
She doesn't let her grandma get away with anything that could hurt
me anymore. The oldest, who's in his early 20's, and I don't
speak. His grandma ruined him. She made him believe that
everything wrong in his life is because his father married me.
That his father should leave me and be with his son. This man
is in his early 20's ... how long should my husband raise his kids?
When I had control, he was getting good grades in school and planned
to go to college. I don't know when she overtook control, but
she did a fine job! She created a lying, lazy, rebellious person.
My husband agrees.
My MIL doesn't acknowledge my son at all. His name is not on
any of the grandchildren's stockings that line her mantel at Christmas
time. He's just a little boy. He didn't ask to be a part
of her family. Shouldn't she see that?
Once, my husband stopped talking to her, I won't go into why, but
he was standing behind something she had done to me, for the first
time. I swore she wouldn't step foot in my home until she apologized.
I had never deserved such hatred treatment. The only wrong thing
I ever did to her was marry her baby. She never apologized.
She'd call my house and ask for "her son". No "hello" or anything.
She'd complain to my husband if she called and no one answered.
I mean, if I was talking to relatives out of state, I surely wouldn't
cut them off for call waiting (when I knew who it was!). I did
that in the beginning. But learned. I'd click over and
tell her I was on long distance. She'd tell me it was important,
she needed to talk to her son. I thought maybe it was important,
so I'd end my conversation. Her call would be because she hadn't
spoken to her baby all day and I was keeping him from her. Now
I have call waiting. I don't answer her calls. It's safer
that way.
The sad thing is, my husband doesn't really like his mother as a person.
It's a guilt thing that she's gotten away with his whole life!!
He loves and respects my parents more than his own. Sometimes
he admits it. Mostly he feels guilty about it. He's constantly
pulled between me and his mother. At times, I tell him to go.
I feel like he should go get the guilt out of his system. But,
other times, I find myself wishing I'd never gotten married.
I get along with everyone. I care about what people think of
me. My MIL has gotten most of my in laws to believe her lies.
It hurts, even though I know they're just lies.
I have asthma. My husband smokes. My health has gone downhill
since our marriage. It was worse the first few years.
I did miss a lot of work, but I always brought home a paycheck.
I COULDN'T BREATHE, for God's sakes! My MIL told my stepson
that I was faking it. To this day, I'm faking every asthma attack
I've had, 6 to 9 a year. She says it's for attention.
I feel terrible for bringing my son into a situation like this.
They have never accepted my son or me. Yet, my whole family
treats my stepchildren as if they were born to me. It's heart
breaking. I wanted to go back to my maiden name. I felt,
since I wasn't accepted by my husband's family, I didn't want to carry
their name. My husband was crushed. But, it's how I honestly
feel. He won ... for now.
My husband and I fight about his family constantly. He didn't
stand up to his mother at first. She caused his first marriage
to end in a messy divorce. It took my filing for divorce, and
his daughter, and my daughter too, crying that she didn't want to
lose me, for him to wake up. Now he says, "What can I do?
She's my mother." It's so ridiculous! I have gotten along
with the parents of every man I ever dated (so ... there wasn't too
many). One mother loved me so much that when her son and I broke
up she was heard saying, "I lost a son but gained a daughter!"
I was raised to respect my elders. I have never spoken an unkind
word to my MIL. I actually hate her, and I wasn't raised that
way. Whenever a family function nears, or even a holiday, my
stomach turns. It's not me, it's really not! Everyone
feels the same way about her, but she manipulates them into feeling
guilty until she gets her way. That doesn't work anymore for
me. I caught on to her game years ago.
I love my husband ... when he's not influenced my his mother.
But, I don't know how much more I can take without starting WWIII!
I feel bad when I think about leaving. To divorce, just so you
won't have to see your MIL again, is pretty drastic. But, sometimes
I get desperate. I swear I will never marry again! I will
never even date a man who has a mother! Please help! I
feel trapped in a family I want out of! Does it ever end? 5/27
signed - WWIII
RESPONSE: Re "WWIII:"
I can hear the sadness and desperation in your words, and I feel for
you deeply. Since hubby has finally awakened to the fact that
he needs to take a stand for the sake of your marriage, perhaps there
is hope. Keep talking to him, and let him know how you feel
- that you love him, but that he OWES it to YOU and the CHILDREN (your
family together) to stand up for you when his mother instigates trouble
in your family. Tell him that his mother's interference in your
life is HURTING you DEEPLY, that it has HURT his SON, and that for
the sake of his family, he MUST take action to let his mother know
her actions will not be tolerated, before more damage occurs!
Always remind him that you love him, that you love his children and
your own as your family together with him, and that you WANT to make
your marriage last, BUT that you can ONLY do this with his help!
Then, if you possibly can, give him a little more time to prove himself.
It would seem such a shame to give up now, just when he is showing
signs of coming around! Best of luck to you! 5/29 RESPONSE: RE:WWIII
I do hear what you are saying. It's sad to be in such a situation
where your husband is in the middle. But, the only thing I can
suggest is to turn a blind eye to all of it. Pretend your MIL
does not exist. Pretend that all that she has done, and is doing,
isn't happening right in front of her. This will make her even
more mad, and maybe this will be your husband's signal to cut the
apron strings and back you up. And, it will let your mil know
that nothing she does, or can do in the future, will affect you.
Another approach may be the total opposite ... confront her ... with
your husband by your side. Whichever fits the situation at hand
... do it. 5/30 RESPONSE: Re: World War III
I'm so sorry to hear about all your MIL troubles. In reality,
the biggest problem you and most of the other DIL's here have is the
"husband" problem. I cannot, for the life of me, understand
a man who allows his mother to hurt not only his wife, but his children,
and then excuse it with, "She's my mother. What can I do?"
Please tell, not suggest, TELL your husband that the two of you need
to get counseling together to get through this difficult time.
If he refuses, give him an ultimatum: "Either we get counseling,
or a divorce. Take your pick." AND BACK IT UP.
Good luck. And I hope things work out. Sometimes people
like your husband need a push or a thump on the head before they finally
wake up and take action. The fact that he's stood up to his
mother before is a good sign. He just needs to realize that
his strength in dealing with his mother has to be CONSISTENT, not
occasional.
I feel for you, trying not to say unkind words because of "showing
respect to elders". Please remember that none of this is
your doing. Don't believe for a minute that some of these "elders"
don't use that "respect" gambit as an excuse to be as rude
as they know how to be, knowing they can get away with it. Being
assertive and telling a person their behavior is wrong is NOT being
rude. Rudeness consists of the kind of back-biting, lethal behavior
your mother-in-law employs. 1/5
Am I being unreasonable?
My in-laws have a large, deep unfenced swimming pool. They also
have a spa with a soft floating cover, and two fish ponds that are
both over my daughters head. I have told them and my husband
that I think that their backyard is unsafe, and that I can't relax
while the kids are out there. They also have a deck above the
backyard that has gaps wide enough for my children ( their only grandchildren)
to fall through. The law in my country says that their pool
should be fenced, but they have found a loophole. Even if there
was no law, I would fence my swimming pool if young children were
going to be around it . Both my husband and in-laws dismissed
my concerns. My MIL said that I would just have to watch them.
My DH quoted statistics. I said, "Fine. I hope that
will make you feel better when my child is found floating face down."
My MIL and I were out in the back garden. I didn't hear a splash
or anything. I heard a scream from my daughter. Luckily,
she had managed to grab hold of the side of the fish pond before her
head went under. The first thing my MIL said was, "THIS
IS WHY YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM, DIL."
Since that incident, nothing has been done to improve safety.
Instead, they joke about the incident. I told my DH that I will
never forgive myself or him if one of our children drowns, and that
it will destroy our marriage. He doesn't feel that there is
anything he can do about it. My response is to NEVER leave my
children at my outlaws. She has never, and will never, get to
baby-sit my darlings, as she has no regard for their welfare.
P.S they are millionaires so $$$$ is not an issue. What do you
think? 12/20
signed - Love My Kids, MIL All
Wet
RESPONSE: LOVE MY KIDS
Part of parenting includes watching your kids. Even if the pool
was fenced in, there are plenty of other dangers out there for your
children. Young children can find many things to get into.
You are their mom, and that includes watching them at all times. 12/21 RESPONSE: Love My Kids, Mother in law all wet
I have gone through the same kind of safety concerns when my children
were little. MIL leaves prescription drugs all over the house.
She has a tray of them under her sink in the bathroom and on top of
that it weigh's over #50 pounds. She can't get up and down stairs,
and would not check on the kids in any kind of a hurry. Every
time DH and I would want to go somewhere, he would insist MIL baby-sit,
and I would voice my concerns to deaf ears, and we would argue and
end up going nowhere. How can these DH's choose their mothers
feelings over their own children's safety and well being??? 12/21 RESPONSE: love my kids
Oh, that first response was awful. You should watch your kids
at all times. Ok, you're not allowed to go to the bathroom,
never take a shower again. God forbid you ever get sick and
have to lay down. That person who responded hasn't got a clue
about reality, and don't take it personally.
Now, about your in-laws and the pool problem. Your final paragraph
is right. You can't go over there with your small children again.
You're putting your children at risk. You have made it perfectly
clear with your in-laws how you feel. Wasn't that nice of them
to blame you for that pond incident and to make jokes about it?
You're the mom, and trust your instincts.
I had the same problem with my in-laws. Not only the pool problem,
but mil and sil wore hearing aids. They would leave their batteries
laying around. Now, if those are ingested they are fatal.
My toddlers picked them up on numerous occasions. Luckily for
me, I never took my eyes off of them. I finally gave up trying
to take them over to visit because of too many close calls.
The in-laws thought it was really funny watching me chase my two kids.
I now sometimes wonder if they did it just to test me as a mom.
God only knows what their real intentions were. I only know
that their grandchildren were not their first concern. Good
luck to you, and I hope you really stick to your guns about not letting
them go over there. It's definitely not safe. They are
your children. Protect them!! 12/22 RESPONSE: Love My Kids
These people do not deserve to be grandparents. How can you
love your grandchildren and not care for their safety? I would
not go to their home at all. I know it is hard, but it would
be cold comfort if something happened to one of your children to say,
"But it was awkward to stay away." The concept that
they could joke about an incident which could have resulted in their
grandchild drowning makes me think that they are just evil, nasty
people, who obviously take much pleasure in your discomfort.
Unfortunately, when this puts your children at risk, they have crossed
a very big line. I'm furious just thinking about it, and I don't
even know them! As for watching them all the time, yes, that
is very good in theory, and we all try to do that. However,
even if you watch them slip and fall, that wont stop them hurting
themselves, hitting their heads, etc. This is worth making a
very, very big stand over. Good luck. 12/26 RESPONSE: all wet
Children should be watched by someone most of the time. They
are your kids, your responsibility. You can't childproof the
entire world. Just don't take them over to the grandparents;
simple enough, eh? It is scary to think people go to sleep while
their children are running around unsupervised. Chill baby girl. 12/27 RESPONSE: All wet
This is in response to the poster who needs to keep telling people
to "chill". You sound too much like a MIL. This
is a SUPPORT board, in case you're not aware of it. People don't
appreciate being told to "chill" when they have some very
real concerns about their IL's, safety of children, and other important
things. Whoever you are, your tone is not appreciated. 12/28 RESPONSE: Love My Kids
You are wrong, they are right. If you love your kids, you should
watch them!!! Incidentally, why would you say such a horrible
thing such as finding your children "floating face-down"
... ??? It sounds as if you want it to happen, just to prove
your point. 12/28 RESPONSE: Love My Kids
It REALLY disturbs me to see some of these venomous responses to people's
legitimate problems! OBVIOUSLY, this woman IS a loving mother
who is concerned with her children's welfare - otherwise she wouldn't
have gone to the trouble of writing in for advice about this issue.
She needs to watch her children??? Well, whoever keeps writing
that obviously doesn't have any children!!! Even if you watch
your children intensely, you could turn your head for a second and
your children would be severely hurt. Then this other hatemonger
wrote that she wished her children would be laying face down dead???
What kind of evil person would write such a thing? The backyard
IS UNSAFE!!! And this poster has EVERY RIGHT to be upset with
her ILs about it! They have no excuse for not fixing these hazardous
conditions, and I would not let my children go over there until they
do take some action to make it safer. Whoever this poster is,
you sound like a scorned MIL!!! Take your venom elsewhere! 12/29 RESPONSE: Love My Kids, MIL All Wet
I think it is awful that they would think so little of their grandchildren.
I think you are doing the right thing by not letting them babysit. 1/1 RESPONSE: Love My Kids, MIL All Wet
That first response was AWFUL! Look, I have one child, she was
12 weeks premature and I almost lost her ... I'm probably WAY
too protective of her. But she is doing very well in school
and social situations, so I'm not too concerned. However, I
keep one eye on her almost constantly. Of course there are times
when it is impossible to watch her, and I have had to force myself
to give her more independence ... LOL.
However, it only takes one brief moment for disaster to strike in
a situation like your MIL's yard. I think it is wonderful that
they have so many nice things (I'm a huge pond freak myself, but live
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, so I could never really enjoy
one due to climate ...) but they (she) needs to realize that all that
water is EXTREMELY dangerous to children. You should NEVER allow
your children to play in the yard unless you can literally be right
on top of them at all times.
As for allowing MIL to keep the kids for a day or two ... Sorry, but
NO. Unless some fences get put up, and some attempt at childproofing
that yard is undertaken, those kids can't be allowed over there.
Just my opinion ... 1/2 RESPONSE: Love my kids, MIL all wet
You are right to be concerned. Last year, my MIL's gate latch
to her pool was broken and DH's 21 month old nephew ended up "face
down". Now he is "six foot under". It breaks
my heart. It's almost a year since me and DD have been there.
DD will never be there without me. It creeps me out that they
kept the pool open and swam in it all last summer. MIL cries
and doesn't understand why no one wants to go and visit her at the
house. How can anyone be so stupid? The pool should have
been bulldozed. 1/3 RESPONSE: love my kids MIL all wet
Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond to my post.
It is true that I cannot childproof the whole world. If we take
that comment to its logical conclusion, however, I shouldn't bother
putting household detergents out of my child's reach or bother putting
a barrier at the top of the stairs. I should not worry about
having a fenced section, or always run the cold tap first in the bath.
I mean, hey, how likely is it that my child will drink the detergent,
fall down the stairs, run onto the road or climb into the bath?
I'm SUPER MUM who is there every second of the day WATCHING my child
closely. Phones never ring in my world. I'm never distracted
for a few crucial seconds, I don't have more than one young child
to watch and only two pairs of eyes. It is fatalistic to take
the view that if you can't protect your children 100% you should not
attempt to protect them at all. I cannot control everything,
BUT I WILL control what I can. My MIL's backyard has not ONE
but FOUR!!!!! water hazards, plus a dangerous balcony. I have
two young children. In my posting I told you how, despite the
fact that both my MIL and I were in the backyard watching my children,
my daughter STILL ended up in the water (and, she of course blamed
ME immediately).
I also want to mention that they put a safe hardwood cover on their
hot tub at their holiday home. They have friends with young
children who often use it, and they obviously consider these children
worth protecting, unlike their grandchildren.
Finally, the kicker is the tale of my BIL who was found floating face
down in the pool by my MIL and her mother who were WATCHING him.
They were actually sitting talking, dangling their feet in the pool
when my MIL's mother noticed him floating. He LIVED, and she
has the gall to rubbish my fears for my children!! HOW twisted
is that???? 1/5 RESPONSE: Love My Kids, MIL All Wet
I am horrified just reading these stories. To the person who
lost her nephew, please accept my condolences. For all of you
who have to deal with in-laws who refuse to take safety precautions,
maybe you could report them to their city department of health &
safety. I'm quite sure that there are safety standards in most
cities that would REQUIRE homeowners to put a fence and gate around
their pool. This amazing lack of concern could not only affect
their own family members, but other neighborhood children, & stray
animals as well. There have been articles about lawsuits from
people who have had dogs drown in a neighbor's pool that wasn't adequately
safety-guarded (no gates in the yard, no pool cover, etc.).
If reporting these clueless cretins is the only thing that will get
them to take action, so be it. In case anyone feels guilty about
the fact that Grandma & Grandpa may have to pay a stiff fine for
their carelessness, all I can say is, the price could be much higher.
Don't hesitate to report them, even to the police, if necessary.
P. S. In case you didn't notice, I have no sympathy whatsoever
for people who not only callously brush off legitimate concerns (as
the mom's in-laws did in the 1st letter) but then go to such extreme
measures NOT to comply with safety standards, just to be able to say
to their DIL's (never the SON, mind you), "Nyah, nyah, you're
a bad parent for not watching your kids properly." Risking
the LIVES OF CHILDREN just for this cruel pleasure, which is, by the
way, COMPLETELY the in-law's fault? What kind of sick f*ks are
these people? They shouldn't be allowed to have children on
their property, let alone in their care. And the fact that they
would JOKE about it afterward tells me that these are not just brainless
people, but incredibly cold-hearted ones at that. I say, report
those 2 dumb @sses at once. 1/5
Finally, my mother-in-law's
visit for a week has ended peacefully. For the first part of
the visit, I was at a conference. I had to spend with her about
four days, and it was like walking on fire. She was staying
with us in our small apartment. We had to buy a new mattress
just for her. Prior to my arrival, I learnt that she was sleeping
in our bedroom, even after the mattress was delivered, because she
said she liked our bed better. I was shocked to hear that from
my husband when I talked to him last over the phone, and I came home
bracing for the worst. Luckily, my husband had already arranged
our bed and her mattress by the time I came home. While on the
train, I was thinking of all kinds of possibilities to claim my bed
back. While we were having dinner that evening, she repeated
to me that she still likes our mattress better. I had to ignore
that. I had also to ignore her frequent visits to our bedroom
to get her clothes, which she had put in our wardrobe for those four
days, just for the sake of peace. I found actually that a combination
of kindness and turning a blind eye to her ways of trying to get to
me has worked out perfectly well. From time to time, she would
rub her son's head, and hug him. The night before she left,
we went to a concert. After the concert ended, and while on
our way home, she thanked only my husband, and and she gave him a
big hug. The funny thing is that my husband felt very uncomfortable,
and came towards me and hugged me. While at home I told him
that it was strange that she never thanked me or hugged me as well.
He said that he noticed it too, and that he did not like it.
The fact that my husband noticed her strange behavior was very comforting
to me. At least he sees it. 1/5
signed - At Least He Sees
It
Chinese Proverb:
To truly know a woman's virtue and integrity, ask her daughter-in-law. 1/5
signed - To Truly Know
A Woman's Virtue
OK, I actually have a positive
MIL story I have to share. Then, so as not to make you think
I do NOT have a relative that makes my life a living hell, I'll f/up
with one about my wonderful stepmonster. OK, I'll tell the bad
story first, then the nice one, to try to end on a positive note.
This all happened on the Christmas holiday. Among other things
my SM did that made me want to throw a drink in her face, was this
- kind of the last straw. When we walked into the house (done
ONLY for my dad's sake) the floor was slippery from snow, and I was
wearing high heels. I slipped and fell right on my face the
moment I walked in the door (great entrance, huh), and it HURT (my
knee is still bruised). She pointed at me and LAUGHED HER A$$
off, right in my face. Not like a breaking-the-tension, nervous
laugh, but a hearty laugh like she really got off on seeing me hurt
myself. Usually I am more civil than this, but it's been a rough
year, and before I could stop myself, I looked her right in the eye
and snarled, "Yeah, (her name here), har-de-f***ing-har".
Either no one else heard, or they decided to let it go, because everyone
else wants to slap the you-know-what out of her too. But she
heard, because all the color drained out of her face, and she wisely
stayed away from me for the rest of the night.
Here's the nice one. Not trying to make you all sick, but it
really made my day (and made up for having to deal with my SM making
my life hell). My mom showed me the Christmas card that my MIL
sent her. Inside she wrote one of the most touching things I've
ever seen - also, my MIL is warm and loving, but not "mushy"
or overly sentimental, which is fine with me. My MIL had written
a note to my mom - "Thanks so much for sharing your daughter
with us. Each year we love her more." People like
her give me faith in human nature ... it may sound sappy, but I remember
her words every time I am feeling down, to remind me that there are
a lot of kind, wonderful people out there. 1/5
signed - Unlucky Step-Daughter,
But Extremely Lucky DIL
I'm balancing my checkbook
when the phone rings. It's my MIL, and she says, "We're
cleaning the attic. Do you want the cookie jar back that you
gave me last year? I don't have room for it!" As
I sat in total shock with my chin on my chest, I responded no sooner
than 10 seconds later, "Well ... I ... Yes, I'll take the cookie
jar the girls gave you for Christmas back!" She continued,
"What's the matter?" And, of course I was still SHOCKED
... and stated as such. Then she commented, "You make a
big deal over everything." CAN YOU IMAGINE! Over
the course of the next 48 hours I spoke to my wonderful maternal grandmother
(with 40 grandchildren). I asked her if she was in need of an
extra cookie jar. She was delighted. It was like I had
told her it was made of gold. (I spent $50 on the jar, MADE
SURE IT MATCHED MY MIL's KITCHEN TO THE TTT, and noted it was a gift
from her new granddaughters when we gave her the gift!)
Two days later, my FIL called and I mentioned I would drive by and
pick up the cookie jar because I was going to visit my grandmother,
and she said she could use the cookie jar. Well, you would think
I peeled the skin off of her entire body when FIL told MIL.
And yes, she called immediately and let me have it. She also
said she just changed her mind. She would keep it. Yeh,
right! It's still in the attic or garbage, I suppose.
However, if you enter her kitchen, you'll find new deco plates, a
xmas dish someone else gave her, etc. All in the room she didn't
have enough room in.
This week, something else happened, and it tops this. And, it's
Christmas week, and I feel awful from a call she made to me ... once
again! I've been trying to roll this petty stuff she stirs off
of my back, but I have just about had it and I really don't know what
to do! Advice, suggestions, comments needed urgently!
No one in my entire 35 years has ever asked me to take a gift back!
Except MIL!! 12/23
signed - DIL With Lost
Cause (aka MIL)
RESPONSE: DIL With Lost Cause
I understand how you feel about the Christmas present. I gave
my FIL a very nice shirt for Christmas one year. A year later
my MIL gave it to my husband to see if he would like it. I dont
think it had ever been worn. I confronted my husband about the
shirt. He went back and told his mother he knew where the shirt
had come from. Her response was, "She doesnt forget anything,
does she?" (meaning me), in a sarcastic tone. I have given
her very nice, expensive gifts in the past, and I never see them out
or her using them. I guess they are shut somewhere too. 12/29 RESPONSE: DIL With Lost Cause aka MIL
Your MIL is so nasty and rude. I loved how your MIL went ballistic
when she realized FIL knew of her nasty deed. My MIL is the
exact same way. She pulls stunts much the same as yours does,
but doesn't want anyone to know about them (especially FIL).
When I start to tell a story involving something she said or did to
me, she kicks me under the table and glares at me to make me shut
up! The nerve. Whenever my FIL has had the occasion to
overhear something my MIL has said to me, he says in front of everybody,
"For goodness sake, do you have to be such a buttinski?"
It's great. I think my weapon against her should be having FIL
find out about ALL her nasty digs and rude behavior. (If she
doesn't kick my shins off in the meantime.) Believe me, I've
tried everything else. I bet this would stop her in her tracks,
eventually. Maybe you should try this too. Sounds like
you have a good FIL. He must have read MIL the riot act for
what she did to you over the cookie jar, which is probably why she
was so steamed. The way I see it, if you don't want most people
to know about the things you do, then that's a tip off that maybe
you shouldn't act that way. Guess this logic is lost on some
people. I admire that you have such a great attitude about it
all. Good luck. 1/4
We live pretty much across
the way from the IL's, & the first 3 months we were here, my MIL
would call constantly. At first I didn't mind, because they
lived far away for most of the time that my husband & I were together,
& I thought it was nice of her to make an effort to get to know
me better. After my SIL spent the weekend with us, MIL called
as usual on Monday morning & proceeded to grill me about how much
were SIL & DH drinking this weekend, etc., etc. I replied
that it didn't make a difference, that we were all over the age of
21 & not operating vehicles or the like. I came to realize
at that moment that she couldn't care less about calling to "chat"
-- my DH's ex-wife used to be the family tattletale & my MIL was
trying to engage me in similar activity. And, my, did her &
my FIL's tune change after I called them on it. They really
dislike me a lot, now that I'm on to them, and dislike me even more
because I have thwarted just about every attempt at their little digging
sessions. They have done countless things to try & make
us miserable. Then, on X-Mas Eve, things came to a head with
my SIL. Over the past few months, my SIL was acting shifty &
nosy, etc. I thought, "Oh no -- this one's as bad as MIL,"
and my suspicions were correct. SIL was so drunk that she came
right out & said that she loves repeating to us all the things
the IL's say about us because she loves starting that $**t.
SIL recounted discussions had with MIL about our financial situation,
etc. I informed SIL TWICE that if I wasn't going to like what
she had to say, then not to say it, especially if it was "confided"
to her. DH & I found out that this type of discussion has
been going on since we moved here, & that she hangs around with
us just to report back to the IL's. (oh no, I'm so shocked.)
She left in a drunken huff when DH & I were cracking up at everything
she said, and throwing in over-exaggerated gasps of, "No!
They wouldn't say that, would they?" So the next day, my
husband got on the phone & informed the IL's not to repeat anything
to SIL because she has a big mouth. (Thank you -- there is a god &
he does give discounts on spines!) I am sitting back laughing
my a$$ off now -- they are just squirming like rats calling left &
right attempting to dig up info on exactly what was repeated.
All that DH tells them is it's nothing that wasn't already common
knowledge over here. I love it. Now I'm actually amused
when MIL calls. She is totally having a freak-out over this
-- "What did she say?" I can hardly contain myself
long enough to blurt out, "What does it matter?" because
it just sends her reeling. She deserves it for being a backstabbing
MIL -- hopefully next time, she'll watch her p's & q's. 1/3
signed - Hopefully She'll
Watch Her P's & Q's
RESPONSE: Hopefully she'll watch her p's and q's
Wow, did you guys play your cards right. And you're having the
last laugh now! Good for you! That is so great.
Pathetic people get what they deserve. J 1/4
Well, here is my story
of my wonderful MIL. I moved down south to finish up my Master's
degree in business, and at the time my wife didn't want to go with
me. I said that was alright for now, but I expected her with
me in a few months. Well, I came down, bought a house for us,
and had a job all lined up. Her career would allow her to easily
find a job. I visited several times, when I was able to have
some spare time away from class, and it seems that all Hell broke
loose on my 30th BD. I was staying with her at the IL's place
when my wife and I had a small argument. Well, my MIL heard
us fighting, and promptly came to defend her little girl. She
started yelling at me that I should have stayed there, and should
not have bothered to go back to school. She accused me of hitting
her daughter, and several other things. During this entire time,
my wife just stood on the sidelines and didn't say a word in defense
or anything. I tried to say that the biggest reason that I was
back in school was so that my wife and I could have a nice life, and
so that she wouldn't have to work, and could have a few children and
be a stay at home mom. Well, I left, and about a month later,
I told my wife to get down here with me, and that I was getting sick
of being alone (during my school time, she rarely called, and only
came down once to see me, after I paid for the ticket). She
said she would be down in a month or so. Well, I'm excited,
and getting the house all ready, and planning all kinds of things
for the both of us. I even planned to surprise her with a 2
week anniversary trip to Paris for our anniversary which was in a
few months. Well, I made the trip up to move her down, and after
driving all night, I arrived ay her workplace to pick up the key to
her parent's place so I could start loading the truck. She then
states that her parents don't want anyone over while they are not
at home. Mind you, everything was all set when I left, and her mother
decided to throw in this little twist. I only had a few days,
because I had to get back to classes. Well, I tried to get it
done that night, when they would be there, but they said they could
not do anything that night. This went on for 3 days, and at
the end of it, I realized that my MIL had the control over her daughter
that she had originally, and she did not intend to let it go.
She was always very controlling of her daughter, and was very jealous
when I bought a nicer house than she had, and when I went back to
school. Well, after seeing how my wife was so spineless, and
basically let her mother rule her, I said enough is enough and filed
for a divorce. This was just one of many times that my wife
let her mother do this kind of thing, and I just got fed up and decided
that they would be very happy in life together. 12/28
signed - Saw The Light
RESPONSE: Saw the Light
It's a shame your ex-wife doesn't have a spine. You are a man
to keep around! I am no longer married, one of the reasons being
my ex couldn't understand my need to complete my education (I am working
on my second masters, MSPH). Nice to see a kindred spirit.
Keep hope up, you will find a woman to appreciate you and your attempts. 1/4
When my DH and I bought
a new bed, he left work early to meet the delivery men. After
the bed was delivered, he left to go out for a while, and I came home
to an empty house, a new bed, and an answering machine with 7 messages
from my MIL. Each message more urgent than the next. "Please
call me, I need to talk to you about the bed." By the 7th
message, she sounded as though she were about to cry. What could
be so urgent about our bed? Within minutes, my DH walked in
the door, and I told him that his mother had left 7 messages.
Before taking off his jacket, he reached for the phone, saying, "I'd
better call her back." (she has him well trained.) Before
he could even dial, she called again. Apparently, she was desperately
concerned that we would buy the wrong sheets (our new bed required
deep pocket sheets), and she felt it was worth her entire afternoon
to keep calling back to prevent us from making such a major mistake.
Unfortunately, I could populate your website with stories such as
this one. It makes for some funny stories to share with my girlfriends,
but it is really difficult to cope with someone who is so needy of
attention, and puts such a huge strain on me and my marriage. 12/27
signed - At The End Of
My Rope! Deep Pocket Sheets?!
RESPONSE: At the End of My Rope: Deep Pocket Sheets
You have my sympathy. All she had to do was leave a calm message
on your machine (or just butt out and let you figure it out for yourselves,
for crying out loud!). 12/28 RESPONSE: At the End of My Rope: Deep Pocket Sheets
Heaven forbid you do make that mistake and have to use Customer Service
to exchange them! LOL 1/4
I am
the poster of "5 more months" on 12/09/00. My FMIL
and I seem to get along on the surface, but I know what lies underneath
that fake smile. I am taking her one and only son. Her
lifeline. Her only sanity. He's 26 years old, for cryin'
out loud!!! We got engaged this past October. She was
the first one we told. She smiled and said all of the right
things. It was like a recording. (Imagine congratulating a long
lost acquaintance from middle school on their engagement.) I
then noticed a real change in her after that. She never told
any of her friends at work. She didn't tell her parents.
I thought parents liked to brag. (My mother told grocery clerks
and telemarketers.) Nothing I said was ever right. She
would loudly interrupt me and tell me why I was so wrong. If
my FH came in the door, she would get up and greet him warmly with,
"Hi Angel! How was work," etc. Then she would
see me come in after him and it would be, "Oh. Hello."
Her son and I have been dating for 3 years and I still have to call
her Mrs. ******. I just want her to acknowledge the fact that
a wedding is going to happen in April, and she can't make it go away
by ignoring it. 1/3
signed - Wedding Will Happen
In April
RESPONSE: Wedding will happen in April
My MIL never wanted me to call her Mrs. ****** - she's not like that.
She prefers just to be called by her first name, which is fine.
BUT, there's no way in hell I would ever call her Mrs. ****** anyway.
Being married to her son makes ME Mrs. (same last name). She's
not even married to my FIL, and hasn't been for a very long time (just
kept his name). Assuming that your MIL and fiancé have the same
last name, you're about to become the next Mrs. ******, so you have
every right to stop calling her that if you want to. If she
has a different last name, though, that's probably a little different.
If she wishes to be called Mrs. *different name*, well it's rude since
you're going to be in the family, but if that's the way she is, it's
probably not going to change.
I think things like that are the MIL's way of letting you know that
they don't consider you part of the family, that they consider you
to be less important that you actually are. When I first met
my MIL, she wasn't terribly mean or anything, but there were several
instances of her trying to keep me in my place, and that place was
anywhere other than in their family.
My DH and I tied the knot just over 2 months ago. Between then
and now, several of my in-laws have told me, "Welcome to the
family," and that they were glad to have me. ALL of those
were people on my FIL's side. (as I said, MIL and FIL are divorced)
MIL's family (except for MIL's sister, whom I love a lot) is very
selfish about themselves, and for a long while I felt like an intruder
with them. FIL and his wonderful family have more than made
up for that, though. 1/4
This is to the breastfeeding
mom. I too was criticized for choosing to breastfeed my two
children. However, the person who was criticizing me was my
own mother. When I had my daughter I was very young, and when
my mother saw me breastfeeding my daughter she completely freaked
out on me. She would tell me that the reason my daughter was
feeding so much (every 2 hours) was because she was not getting enough
milk. She went so far as to accuse me of starving my child.
Well, since I was so inexperienced I believed her, and stopped when
she was three months, and I regret that decision every day.
For my second child, my son, I did some research, and I also looked
up the website you mentioned. I breastfed my son for eight months.
I wanted to breastfeed him longer, but I was returned to work and
I couldn't keep up my diet. But I got pure hell from my mother.
But, guess what? My son was the biggest, happiest, and healthiest
baby ever seen. My son is now 2 years old, and we have such
a strong bond, and I feel that the closeness we shared early in his
little life sealed that bond. Take care! 1/3
signed - Another Criticized
Mom
RESPONSE: another criticized Mum
Good on you, I am so proud of you. I found it difficult enough
to put up with the criticism from my MIL at the ripe old age of 28!
I am the original poster of the breastfeeding story, and I was lucky
enough to have a very supportive mother. My Mum breastfed me
for less than 3 weeks because the nurses at the hospital were ignorant
and told her to give me formula because she didn't have enough milk.
Of course, that resulted in her losing her milk supply altogether.
She didn't feel the need to push me to bottle feed, because that was
how she fed my brothers and I. My Mum had no guilty feelings
because she did the best she could for us at that time with the little
knowledge and support she had. We are very close and I pray
that I am being as good a mother to my two as she was, and is, to
my brothers and me. My MIL, however, felt that my breastfeeding
was a slap in the face to her mothering. If I do anything different
then I must be doing it WRONG, otherwise the inference is that SHE
was wrong! She can't see that everyone is different.
I really relate to your comments about being close to your children
and the health benefits. Both my children have been really healthy.
It's a great feeling to know that my milk helped keep them that way. 1/4
My
fiancé's grandfather died in December. My FMIL has been taking
care of him and her mother for the last couple of years. When
I told my mother what happened, she told me to go and help my FMIL
as much as I could. So I did. I listened to her talk.
I helped her with phone calls. I supported my fiancé.
Now ... wonder of wonders ...she likes me. Holy Mother of God,
she likes me. I still don't know what to think. I don't
know how long it will last, and I still have to call her Mrs. ******,
but it is finally getting better. She has acknowledged the wedding,
and is actually starting to warm up to the idea. She still claims
that we are too young, and still lets me know that she is NOT wearing
a dress, but she is also encouraging. Hang in there! Sometimes
it gets better! 1/3
signed - Sometimes It Gets
Better!
RESPONSE: sometimes it gets better
Don't bet on it ! 1/4
This is one of those classic
SIL and MIL stories - they're both real gems.
Just before last Christmas, my neurotic SIL decided what her mom (my
MIL) really needed for Christmas was a picture of all of her "kids"
together. My SIL found the perfect photography studio, and was
going to arrange all of it; it would only cost us $70.00 each (there
are 3 kids - my hubbie, his bro & sister) and that would cover
the sitting fee and a nice picture package for my MIL. Well,
we relented, but I was worried, knowing my SIL has a history of screwing
things up. The week the pictures were to be taken, my SIL called
to ask what I'd be wearing. I had put a lot of thought into
it, and bought a crushed velvet broom-stick skirt to match a dark
red, equestrian-style jacket I had. My SIL said she was going
shopping. Needless to say, the day of the pictures came and
my SIL gave us the address of where to meet. Neither my husband
nor I had any idea of a picture studio close to the address my SIL
had given us, but we set out anyway. After asking directions,
we finally found the photography "studio" - I kid you not
- in the back side of a gas station. We walked in, and there
was all of this hay set up for us to sit on. When my SIL arrived,
you know what she was wearing! A black velvet skirt and a bright
red jacket, a perfectly clashing shade of red to my own. Not
to mention the fact that she is a perfect size "0" while
I am a modest 11/12. I was pissed. But the "straw"
that broke the camel's back was when the photographer asked me to
straddle the hay in my skirt to set up for the picture. I refused.
My SIL said I only think about myself, and then proceeded to ask for
some shots with just the "family" - excluding me.
I was not disappointed, but finally sat in for a group picture.
When the pictures came back, they were horrendous, but already paid
for so there was nothing we could really do about it. What did
we expect? My SIL was so disappointed, that she went out and
bought a bread maker for us to give my MIL to make up for the bad
pictures. It was $180, and my SIL said we could all split it
3 ways; I refused. She was furious. We had already paid
$70.00 for ugly pictures, and being newlyweds, we were on a tight
budget anyway. My husband agreed with me and stood up to his
sis. However, my SIL must have gone to her mom with the story,
because on Christmas Eve, when my MIL unwrapped the bread maker, she
looked at me with piercing eyes and said ever so sweetly, "Oh,
thank you so much for the bread maker. It's just what I wanted."
I just smiled sweetly back at her and said, "You're welcome."
- knowing full well we hadn't contributed a dime, and silently cursing
my heinous SIL for her big mouth. 1/2
signed - Refusing
To Be Pushed Around ...
RESPONSE: Refusing To Be Pushed Around ...
I really sympathize with your story! Your witchy SIL sounded
like she was trying to emulate you by wearing a similar outfit to
the one that you were going to wear for those pictures. By her
trying to "outshine" you, it seems like she's very jealous
of you. I would have been livid when she suggested that the
photographer take some pictures without you in them! How dare
she exclude you like that! You ARE "family"!
And you were right not to fork over a penny for that stupid bread
maker. Your witch SIL can't expect you to over-compensate for
the bad pictures when you are on a tight budget, and especially since
it was mainly her fault that they turned out bad! If your MIL
thinks badly of you because of it, then so be it. It's better
than letting them push you around. 1/3 RESPONSE:
Reminds me of my MIL and an incident with a cake. I don't remember
now which obligatory event it was for - a dinner at her house or a
family reunion. She had had been telling me that we didn't have
to bring anything. She called 8:00 the night before and said
to dh, "Your wife could bring one of her pound cakes."
This cake happens to be very expensive to make, requires several ingredients
that I don't keep around, and has to bake for almost two hours once
you get it into the oven. Then, it has a specific amount of
time to cool in the pan and out of the pan - (which I found out the
hard way MUST be followed). I told my hubbie that under no uncertain
terms was I going to bring one because it would be AT LEAST 1:00 am
before it was cooked, since I'd have to go to the store first and
then prepare and cook it.
(The cake is a recipe from my MOM's family that had been tweaked by
several members of the family to get it to be "perfect".
None of the alterations come from me - my experiments have not worked
out.) I regret ever baking her one. I did it to be nice
when her own mother died - it's my family's standard thing to send
for a baby, funeral, new neighbor, or other event where you send food,
so I sent her one.
She's been trying to get the recipe from me, and get me to bring them
ever since. I should be flattered that she wants them, but she
has never treated me with any respect, and she is not worth the trouble,
and she will NOT get the (correct) recipe from me. She may talk
my Mother out of it if she finds out where it came from, but I don't
intend for her to find that out.) 1/4
Well, two years ago, my
MIL said "no gifts", but I had already arranged for my grandfather
to paint a portrait from a picture she had taken in St. Martin.
She loves the beach, and I thought it would be nice to have one of
her favorite pictures come to life. My grandfather makes beautiful
presents for his family every year. Bird carvings, furniture,
paintings ... he is an incredible artist. Well, that year, I
gave up whatever present I would have received from my grandfather,
so that my MIL could have this gift. I was so excited, and couldn't
wait to give it to her.
It was hung on the wall for a month or so, and when my FIL repainted
the living room, it didn't find it's way back on the wall. I
had always wanted to ask about it, because it truly hurt my feelings
that other pictures were hung up in its place. A couple of months
ago, my MIL showed it to me and it had moisture damage on the inside,
and she tried to blame it on the store where I had it framed.
Now she expects me to have it fixed for her. I found the receipt,
and gave it to her, so she could get it fixed herself. She is
out shopping all the time, and I don't have time to do it, so I told
her it would be easier for her to get it done.
The only thing I hold on to is that I will get it back some day, hopefully
in good condition, and I will cherish it for as long as I live, because
it's something my Grandfather made. 12/27
signed - 'tis better to
give than receive? ... hmmm
RESPONSE: Tis Better to Give than receive
You know what? A gift is just that: a gift you give someone.
Once you give it, it's no longer yours. The recipient can do
whatever they choose with it -- throw it away if they want to!!
It's not your business! I can't believe you actually want it
back. If it's so special, why won't you help fix it for her? 12/28 RESPONSE: Tis Better to Give than receive
Ignore that first response. It sounded mean-spirited and out
of touch. I think you have every right to feel upset if your
MIL is power tripping and expecting you to jump and get the picture
fixed when she snaps her fingers! I wouldn't bother giving your
MIL nice or meaningful gifts in the future if she's going to be so
ungrateful. 1/1 RESPONSE FROM POSTER: Tis Better to Give than receive
Responding to the person who told me it's none of my business what
she does with my gift ... Did I not mention that my grandfather hand
painted this? Who knows how many more Christmases he will be
around. I do believe I also mentioned that I "cherished"
his gifts, and was generous enough to give up my own gift so that
my MIL could be happy. I think this was a pretty heartfelt gift,
and I got a lump in my chest when I read your nasty reply. This
is supposed to be a support site, thanks a lot for the support.
You know, I would help her get it fixed, but she is extremely self
sufficient and is a shop-aholic. She shops all the time, and
especially at the store where I had it framed. She's probably
there 2-3 times a month. I have two small children and work
fulltime, and I'm lucky to get out of the house to go grocery shopping.
You shouldn't judge other people if you don't know their story.
I actually felt better getting this story off my chest, until I read
your reply. You don't belong on this site, you belong on one
where MILs have trouble with their DILs. 1/3 RESPONSE: Tis Better to Give than Recieve
Ignore that first response. It sounds like it came from a cold
hearted, ungrateful MIL. If I were in your position, I would
be profoundly upset. I also like to give gifts that I put a
lot of though into. It makes it meaningful for the person it's
intended for. Anyone can go to the store and buy any old gift
just to say they gave you a present. It takes a warm hearted,
thoughtful person like you to give such a wonderful gift that obviously
had meaning to you (and her, due to what the painting was of).
Don't let MIL get you down. Keep doing what you do for people
who will actually appreciate it! 1/4
Last week I saw a rerun
of the Dr. Laura show, and it reminded me of this website. I
am posting what I remember of one segment from that show.
A woman's parents live in Colorado, while she and her husband live
in another state. Her husband has a wonderful job, while she
and her husband have a great life together and thoroughly enjoy where
they live. Her parents are trying to TELL her to move back to
Colorado, with or without her husband. She does not want to
move back with her parents. I wondered if, like lots of people
I know (plus myself), she just couldn't wait to move away from home.
Miraculously, the parents agreed to be on national television to let
Dr. Laura mediate this "dispute."
Dr. Laura told the parents that, basically, your daughter and her
husband form their own family now, and that, biblically, her allegiances
lie with her husband. Case closed.
That poor gal's parents are probably still raising a big stink over
this. I see it as a control issue.
God bless that woman and her husband. 1/3
signed - Parents Still
Raising A Big Stink
My husband and I have been
together for 5 years. My MIL & I got along fine until the
day my soon-to-be- fiancé spoke about marriage. From that day,
for 15 months, she did not speak to me. I called her up to ask
for an explanation several times, and she just hung up on me.
My husband did nothing to intervene. At about this time, (and
still to this day,) she was / is addicted to many pain pills, every
day, (Valium, morphine, vicodin, tylenol 4), which may have influenced
this anger. Before we were married, she would lock herself in
her bedroom for days at a time, only leaving when he was asleep.
My husband was so mistreated while he was living with her. She
is so manipulative. Whatever she wants, she will get.
He had to basically raise himself. She is friendly towards me
now. She acts like nothing has ever happened. Ever since
we got married, she will not leave my husband at peace. She
pages him around 7-8 times a day, and calls at our house often past
midnight, just for petty stuff. I work some days and some nights.
She knows not to call when I am sleeping, so I can work that night.
We gave her a schedule. She never fails to call and wake me
when she is not supposed to call. I don't want to be mean about
this, but this is ridiculous! She is so jealous that someone
took her son away! She's creating major problems in our marriage
now. She has 2 other sons who are married. She is not
on speaking terms with either of the other daughters-in-law and one
of the sons (who tried to stop the hatred between them.) She
has peace bonds on all but one son. Whenever that oldest son
and his wife have a fight, (usually over her) my MIL always calls
my husband (even at 2 am) for him to intervene. He gets upset,
but usually always calls his brother. She has a grandson (from
the other son and DIL) who is 2 years old, whom she has never seen.
She doesn't even acknowledge him. The sad part is that he lives
one street away from her. She constantly brings her problems
with the other sons & DIL's to my husband and me for some assistance.
She always wants my husband to be the one to call the son or DIL up
with her argument. I feel that should be her responsibility.
I do not want my husband to fight his mother's battles. We are
very close to my BIL's & SIL's. I do not want that to change
by having my husband step into their / MIL's fights. Husband
doesn't understand how all of this is affecting our relationship.
Husband has always gone out of his way to satisfy his mom. Anything
she wanted, he did, or tried to do. He doesn't see a problem
with all of this. I don't want this to be a matter of taking
sides, but he has been siding with his mother, telling me that she's
not causing any trouble in our marriage, and I'm just making a big
deal out of this, because I don't like her. She just relies
too much on my husband to fix all of her problems with her sons/ DIL's.
She constantly talks bad about her other sons and their wives, trying
to get us to turn against them. I am better than that, and I
won't change my relationship with my SIL/BIL's. I am going crazy
over all the phone calls, butting-in, and jealousy. This is
creating serious problems!! 1/3
signed - Going Crazy Over
All The Calls
My husband and I spent
Christmas with my FIL, who lives 1500 miles away from us, and had
a wonderful time (I love my FIL and his family). MIL held "her"
Christmas on Dec. 30 because DH and I and his siblings were all with
FIL for the "real" Christmas, and that only left New Year's
Day, Monday, available to see my parents. Well, the evil MIL
tried to pull a guilt trip on my DH on the 30th with the following:
"You ARE going to come back and see your brother and sister before
they leave on Tuesday, RIGHT?" She said this knowing full
well that we were having Christmas with my parents on New Year's Day.
She'd known that for over a month.
My fantasy response to MIL (a.k.a. Wish I'd said this ...) "Yeah.
Right. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them at
FIL's house. We spent the 30th with them at YOUR house.
Would you mind at all if your son and I spent ONE day with MY family?
Contrary to your current beliefs, this planet does not revolve around
you and your family, so please get the hell over yourself. And
furthermore, quit that guilt trip stuff because you're DEFINITELY
never going to get your son and I to do what you want that way."
I really wish that she would realize her place. I'm his wife,
not her. She seems to think it's ok to jump in and make decisions
that clearly should be made by my husband and I - alone. This
can involve our plans and our home. She has no regard for what
we may have going on in our life, our home, etc. We're just
supposed to alter everything for her. 1/3
signed - We're Just Supposed
To Alter Everything?
I did this to my evil MIL
-- nothing me or DH get her will be acceptable, so we went out of
our way to annoy the hell out of her this year. I gave her a
Xmas-themed dinner bell & this cheesy-a$$ stuffed snowman that
she so pretended to love. The best part was what we got FIL
-- a nice big bottle of top shelf scotch, so he could snore at the
top of his lungs after passing out in his chair. After the sheer
hell they put us through this year, it's time to have a little fun
of our own! DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOU ALIVE!!! 1/3
signed - Don't Let Them
Take You Alive
Note: This story
moved here from 12/23/00 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
The person I write about is my partner's mom, who is also the person
I consider as my mil. I can only hope you will be so objective
and open minded as to publish this story, for I feel as if this is
a tribute to her as a person. MIL has been in my life
for 16 months now, and the reason she does not get on my nerves is
we are so much alike. We like to shop and compare notes.
Here is the story:
MIL is unlike any other mother in law, she is caring, loving compassionate,
and accepting of whatever road a person chooses to journey down.
My mom died when I was 8 years old, and after 25 years I have a woman
in my life that treats me as if I were her own son, a relationship
I have longed for and wished for all of my life. Last week we
received a Christmas card from her and partner's dad, and at the end
of the card she wrote, and I quote, "Thank you so much for all
your thoughtfulness. You have given us so many happy memories.
Now we have another son in our family." For the first time
in my life I received a card that had those precious words on it -
"To Our Son." The moral of the story is this:
Not all MILs are nasty and deceitful. My MIL is living proof
that some are truly saints. 12/13
Signed - Truly A Saint
RESPONSE: Truly a saint
That is so beautiful! I got a little choked up. Good for
you, and good for her! That is just awesome. 12/14 RESPONSE: Truly a saint
I know exactly what you mean. My future MIL treats me like a
daughter. I have only seen them a handful of times, as we live
cross-country from them. But each time I enter their home, their
arms are wide open. She is one of the most loving mothers on
this earth. I lost my mother, too, and know what it is like
to find a mother's unconditional love after losing it. I am
grateful for that, and wish I could share my future MIL with all readers
who have such problems with theirs. Glad you found a mother's
love again, poster. 1/3
I have countless MIL stories,
but the latest is the funniest. I've known MIL pretty much forever.
She and my mom were even very close friends at one time. She
hasn't liked me for about 14 yrs. Anyway, through the years
she has talked pretty badly about me, my relatives, my friends, and
as of late, my husband. You see, lately, her tactics haven't
been working with him, and so with each issue he stands up to her
on, she becomes more desperate and tries a new tactic. It usually
goes like this; 1st, she uses intimidation, and when that doesn’t
work she moves on to; #2, which is waterworks. Tears,
and lots of "woe is me" stories, and when that doesn’t work
she pulls out the big guns; #3, which is that she feigns an
illness. This is where the latest story starts. About
3 months ago, because of much abuse from her, I decided that, after
much prayer, that for my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual
well-being that I would no longer have social contact with MIL.
I made everything clear to my husband, everything I have suffered
at her hand (or should I say tongue) and my decision to start taking
care of myself instead of trying to keep peace for his and my daughter's
sake. So he agreed that I should do whatever was necessary for
me to take care of myself, and I made it clear that I would not try
to stop him from seeing her or from him taking our daughter to visit
with her. Because of circumstances, Husband ended up telling
her that I had decided not to have contact with her any longer until
things were straightened out. Well, not a week later she starts
having these "Life threatening headaches", has to be rushed
to emergency several times, once even by ambulance. Well, he
makes a few trips to the hospital and to her house, and I began to
feel guilty about not going to see her or to support him at the hospital,
but there was also part of me that felt that this was a drama tactic.
So, again I pray and pray and pray, and I still feel no desire to
participate in this "tragic scene". So I don't.
Well, this goes on for about 4 weeks, and of course cat scans, MRI's,
Blood tests, Spinal tap, all show nothing. I'm sure MIL had
real pain, but I feel it was/is a self-inflicted pain. Not being
able to control, when that is what you want and what you are used
to, can be very painful. Well, the next thing I know she's blaming
me for the headaches. She's telling mutual friends that I have
caused her so much emotional stress because everything I do puts a
wedge between her and her son and "HIS" daughter, and she
can't take it anymore. Well when I decided not to have contact
with her, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer keep what
she and her family did and said to and about me to myself. I
would now share with and confide in my husband all my experiences
including the ones involving her. (By the way, this has been
one of the better decisions I've made regarding MIL). So I told
him the latest rumor regarding me being the cause of her illness,
and when I did he told me that he had already addressed this.
He told her that he would no longer sit back and watch her hurt me,
that he watched me do everything in my power to try to make things
work, and that he felt that there was nothing more I could do to try
to make things better. He also told her that it was her actions
that affected the relationship with her son and granddaughter, not
anything I've done. So he put the ball in her court. And
I couldn’t be more happy about that. It's taken 5 yrs. and 8
months, but he finally spoke up on my behalf. This, from a man
who said, when we were first married, "It's just easier to go
along with her than to fight with her. That's what we all do."
My mother and aunt gave me the best advice and I'd like to share it
with you fellow frustrated DILS, "Never scream and yell at him
about what his mother really is, let him see it for himself. The screaming
and yelling and fighting just distracts him from seeing a clear picture."
How true this has turned out for me. 12/28
signed - Finally Feeling
Protected
RESPONSE: Finally Feeling Protected
Congratulations on taking control of the situation and finally putting
your own needs first. It is great to hear that your husband
is now supporting you too. I am still in the process of screwing
up enough courage, or whatever it takes, to take that step of distancing
myself more fully from the MIL, who is having such a disastrous effect
on my own well-being. My husband, though he can see her for
what she is, and supports me privately, still finds it impossible
to stand up against his mother. It is, therefore, encouraging
to read of stories such as yours. Thank you. 1/3
I just don't know what
to do about my mother in law anymore. The first year my husband
and I were together I tried so hard to be nice and thoughtful and
perfect ... needless to say, nothing worked. The harder I tried,
the nastier she got. To give a few examples: the first year
we were together I went with him for their Thanksgiving celebration,
and I tried to be outgoing and friendly, something which is very difficult
for me, as I am very shy. Anyway, as a shy person I hate having
attention called to me, especially in a negative fashion. And,
so, halfway through the Thanksgiving festivities she yelled across
the room at me not to cover my face when I was in the midst of pushing
up my glasses, which caused his entire family to stare at me, and
I was very self conscious the rest of the evening. Then, that
same year I also went over there for Christmas and I had spent a lot
of time picking out presents for his family members. I had made
a pair of earrings for his mother, bought a teddy bear for his niece,
and a book for his grandmother. I sent these presents with him
because I was going to be spending the morning with my family.
Anyway, as soon as I walked in the door his mother was telling me
that I was late and that my gift to his grandmother was inappropriate
and impolite because I had failed to write a personal note to her
on the inside cover of the book. These are just a few incidents
that have occurred over the last couple of years, and the problem
is that I just don't want to try anymore. The more I am around
her the more I dislike her. She demands that everyone jump when
she says so. She spends most of her time ordering people to
do things for her. And then she also portrays herself as the
damsel in distress. She's had such a hard life, and everyone
is abusive towards her. Her mother is abusive towards her (her
mother is a sweet little old woman whom I have never seen utter a
harsh word to anyone); her co-workers are abusive towards her; her
son is abusive towards her every time he isn't there the moment she
says she wants him. And, if there's no recent slight to bring
up, she will delve back twenty years or more into the past for an
incident that will show what a hard life she has had and how horrible
people have been to her. Even the littlest thing she is capable
of construing as being abusive toward her, yet she doesn't curb her
speech or think of other's feelings before she makes one of her typically
nasty, thoughtless, or demeaning statements. Then, the other
thing which drives me nuts is that, yes, she was in abusive relationships
with men in her past, and while she will recount at will any one of
a hundred incidents both large and small, she never mentions the three
children she dragged through these same relationships, because she
was the perfect mother who always looked out for her children.
She's so perfect, in spite of the fact that one of her children's
arms was broken by one of the abusive men that she was dating.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I wanted her to like me
at first, but now I just don't care anymore, because I don't like
her. If any of you have any idea of how to make this situation
any better, please let me know, or please just commiserate with me
a little bit, because I can't talk to my husband about it, because
mom wasn't perfect but she was dealt such a bad hand and none of my
friends are married so they have no idea what this is like.
Thank you very much for letting me rant. I needed it (can you
tell that she came over and pounded on my door today and demanded
my immediate assistance). Thank you! 1/2
signed - Wanted Her To
Like Me At First - Now Don't Care
RESPONSE: Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now Don't
Care
My MIL "was a prostitute & her first husband wanted a harem."
She has a mentally ill son who is 40 & she goes to clean his house
every week & take him shopping, etc. And then complains
about it to no end. She cries to me how she has to do it &
how she gets no help from her current husband (DH's father) &
how she's such a slave to everyone's whims. I'm like, "Uh,
you don't HAVE to do anything." And even sicker than that,
my FIL allegedly molested my SIL. Then again, SIL is a pathological
liar & you really can't tell when she's telling the truth about
anything. But FIL does come off as a pervert. One day,
my DH & I & SIL & her BF went to a concert. My FIL
was coming off all hot & bothered by what SIL was wearing (one
of those short outfits -- nothing sleazy).
Sometimes I get so sick of hearing all their hardships, & not
because I'm an insensitive person. It's just that these people
constantly embellish the truth. DH takes all the crap that happened
to him in stride & doesn't believe half of their stories.
I really wonder how he turned out such a good guy. 1/3 RESPONSE: Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now
Don't Care
To briefly quote the original story: "She demands that everyone
jump when she says so. She spends most of her time ordering
people to do things for her. And then she also portrays herself
as the damsel in distress. She's had such a hard life, and everyone
is abusive towards her."
Wow! She sounds just like my MIL. She's always the martyr.
If she's fresh out of recent slights, she will tell you all day long
about all the terrible things that were done to her, with her marriage
failing, and her ex-husband running off to another woman, and the
other woman stealing her husband away, all of which is total nonsense.
She made a giant stink a few days before our wedding because my FIL
would be escorting his wife and not her. Oh, well, GEE WHIZ,
heaven forbid the man choose his wife over his EX-wife! She
got upset with my husband over that, first. Then, the next thing
was that, because my husband basically pointed out our concern over
whether she'd be able to behave and control herself at our rehearsal
dinner, she played the wounded mother whose son was being disrespectful
to her. She told her hot-headed a$$h*le brother HER side of
that story. So he called my husband and yelled at him like a
two-year-old for how he "treated" his mother, telling him
that our wedding day was the "most important day of her life,"
and that he better go over to her house and tell her that she's the
most important woman in his life. Yeah, right. Of course,
thankfully for me, my husband has a mind of his own, and can't be
influenced like that. This was 4 days before our wedding.
Well, my DH did not go over, he didn't even call her. That was
good. I hoped that we could get across the point that this was
our wedding, and that the pathetic martyr crap wasn't going to work.
At the rehearsal, she started in on him right away about how much
he "hurt her". Please. While I play my tiny
violin, I'll tell you that neither I nor my DH feel sorry for her
in this situation. She brought it on, herself. She can't
get over a divorce that happened almost 20 years ago, she continues
to be bitter and resentful towards my FIL and his wife (who live hundreds
of miles away, and also have been married for 15-16 years now).
The kids they had together are all in their 20's now, and she never
has to have anything to do with FIL/wife again, yet she continues
to torture herself (and us) with her hatred. That marriage,
by the way, was her second one. She hasn't been married since.
She doesn't even date anymore. She was dating one guy that her
family liked a lot. The guy did all sorts of things for her
and the kids when they were younger. He even replaced her roof
when she couldn't afford it. Yet, she stopped seeing him.
The reason? In her words, he wanted to be around her all the
time, and he was getting in the way of her time with her kids.
Well, big surprise - in her eyes everything is in the way of her time
with her kids. I swear she would marry her kids if it was legal.
They are all adults now, but she treats them like children because
she can't deal with the fact that they are GROWN. UP. As the
wife, this pisses me off to no extent.
My husband is not a child and he and I can take care of ourselves
without any involvement from her. She once bought "the kids"
their favorite cereals - from when they were little kids - and sent
my DH's home with him. (this was very recent) It was one of
the junk cereals where the main ingredient is sugar. I was furious,
because I had already told her that we don't buy foods like that because
my DH shouldn't have foods with that much sugar, due to a certain
health problem he has. She is well aware of his problem, and
she is aware, because I told her a number of times, that he shouldn't
have foods like that. But, I suppose since he's one of "the
kids", that gives her the right to do whatever she wants.
We've been thinking of someday moving to where FIL lives, and I think
that if we actually go, she is going to be the thing to finally get
us packing. I think DH's brother could also end up living in
that area, too, one day. My biggest fear is that once we go,
she'll want to follow us because she can't deal with being away from
her kids. 1/3 RESPONSE: Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now
Don't Care
I can relate to your story. My MIL loves to get sympathy from
others, and loves to be the center of attention. She repeats
the same pathetic stories over and over again, and I wonder how much
is true and how much is embellished. She has told me hundreds
of times that she had a bad childhood, a terrible mother, and an absentee
father. My MIL says she wished that her parents loved her the
way she loved her own two children, who she always put first in her
life. I used to feel sorry for her, but then over the years
finally realized what my MIL really is: a pitiful phony who will say
anything to get attention.
My MIL was a very successful career woman in the 1970's. She
actually brought a shoebox full of her old paycheck stubs (from 20
years ago) to my house one night in order to show me how much money
she once made (she hasn't held a job since 1985)! Again, she
was seeking attention. I did not ask to see that information,
and I was not impressed! Anyway, she was away from home a lot
back then, and a nanny cared for her two boys, who my husband said
beat them with a strap when they misbehaved. Eventually, my
MIL had a nervous breakdown from the stress of her job, and in a moment
of rage threw a fork at my husband when he was just a child.
The fork stuck in his upper lip, and to this day he still has a scar.
When someone has to brag about what a wonderful parent they are, it's
obvious they're feeling guilty and insecure. Take everything
she says with a grain of salt. If she ever puts you down, be
sure to speak up for yourself. I know it's difficult, because
I am also a very shy person, but after seven years of dealing with
my MIL I have learned to assert myself. Don't go out of your
way to have a close relationship with her. It's not worth it,
trust me. Been there, done that. The less you see of this
woman the happier you will be! 1/3 RESPONSE: Wanted Her To Like Me At First - Now Don't
Care
My MIL is nothing like that, but I still have a lot of sympathy for
you! 1/3 RESPONSE: Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now
Don't Care
Don't you just want to bet/dare her in front of *everyone* that she
can't think of 20 good things that have happened to her? 1/3 RESPONSE: Wanted Her To Like Me At First...Now
Don't Care
I sympathize so much with what you are forced to deal with!
I don't blame you one bit for not caring what she thinks anymore.
She definitely has a big problem!! If I were you, I wouldn't
go to any of her functions anymore. It sounds like she will
use whatever ammunition she has against you. Not to sound ominous,
but to her, you are the "evil one" creating trouble in paradise.
My MIL feels the same way about me. Your MIL has proven herself
to be a very insensitive, coldhearted person. She is a formidable
enemy because she's threatened by you. I'd keep her at a distance
if I were you. It seems she only brings grief into your life.
You don't need that. You deserve to be happy. Good Luck! 1/3
I'm so glad to have this
website, I really need to vent. My MIL, as usual, made the holidays
unbearable. Since the day I met her, 14 years ago, she has had
a negative view of life and everyone involved in it. I have
listened to her gossip for way too long. She is very jealous
of me because my H has told her that when he has time away from his
job (which isn't a lot) he wants to spend that time with me and his
two year old daughter. She also gets jealous around Xmas because
of the time my husband and I spend finding gifts for each other.
I cannot even begin to say all the terrible things she has said to
me, or about me, they are so numerous.
When we arrived the day after Xmas, MIL starts gossiping about FIL.
Then, she says she's coming to stay in a hotel, five minutes away
from us, to work things out with him. My H says he doesn't want
to be placed in the middle, and said he wouldn't choose sides.
He proceeded to tell her that we had plans and a visit wasn't convenient
for us. She got so mad that he wouldn't side with her, and when
that didn't seem to affect my H she started to cry and say she would
commit suicide. She then rudely said she wasn't coming to see
us. Yeah, she's driving three hours from her home not to see
us!! As we were packing the next day I heard her tell my daughter
she would see her that weekend, after we already explained to her
that we would not be available. This has been a reoccurring
problem with MIL, where she has been inviting herself to our home.
My H has had huge arguments with her, letting her know that this was
unacceptable. So when we arrived home he called her and thanked
her for everything, and explained that he did not want her to come
to our home, and he would not choose sides between her and his father.
She blew up and said, "I'll come if I want to!" My
H said, "Like h*** you will, this is MY home." Every
visit with her ends in a confrontation. She refuses to respect
our wishes. It has gotten worse since we've had our daughter.
MIL has a habit of visiting without asking, and then never leaving,
as if we don't have our own lives. We started visiting in-law's
home more so we would have more control of the situation, but it isn't
working. My husband has talked with her, but it isn't working.
I am so tired of her interference in our lives, or of her trying to
at least. What else can we do, besides have no contact with
her at all if she refuses to listen? 1/2
signed - Feel Like
Giving Up
For Christmas this year,
my beloved hubby and I received a court summons. My MIL served
us with a nice helping of custody battle. She wants joint custody
of our two year old. (For Easter, she took us to court to get unsupervised
visitation ... which she got.) Her excuse for serving us on
Christmas Day? She told her attorney that it would be the only
day we would be home and our son wouldn't be in daycare. We
are pretty much homebodies, by the way, and we spend practically every
minute with our son. 12/27
signed - Can I divorce
her?
RESPONSE: Can I Divorce Her?
That's terrible! I hope that the state where you live doesn't
uphold grandparent's rights over parental rights. It would be
terrible to let such an evil woman near your children. Anyone
who would send a summons like that on X-Mas day is into power games,
not real love. 1/1 RESPONSE: Can I Divorce Her?
Get the BEST lawyer you can afford to get the visitation decision
reversed and to block the joint custody. You and your DH are
the parents and are legally responsible for determining who takes
care of your child. MIL should have spent more effort trying
to get along with you and spouse so she can see grandkid, than resorting
to legal counsel! 1/2
OK, here's my story and
I'm sure that there's a lot of other DILs out there who can totally
relate. When I met my hubby and started dating him things were
just dandy in the MIL department. (most likely because the MIL didn't
know that I was going to be her future DIL) She seemed like
a fairly nice person, and was for the most part friendly, and sweet.
Needless to say, as soon as we got engaged that all changed.
Suddenly, nothing I did was right. I came from a single parent
home (bad), I didn't have much college (bad, bad), I had dyed (auburn)
hair and a (well concealed) tattoo (bad, bad, bad), and I was an atheist
(so beyond bad). The MIL started making little snide mean spirited
remarks when hubby to be wasn't around, and when I would tell him
about these things he would respond with the, "you're blowing
it all out of proportion" line.
And then comes the wedding planning ...
What I wanted, small intimate gathering on the Lake in the summer
with a big fun party afterwards. What MIL wanted, BIG Catholic
church wedding, BIG elaborate reception for a few hundred of her closest
friends and relatives. So, what did I end up with? I'll
give you three guesses and the first two don't count. I tried
to compromise. I got a church (nondenominational). I got
a reception hall. None of these were in my home town where I
could have easily planned a wedding, because I would have known where
everything was ... nope, it had to be in her home town. I order
the invitations ... she gets pissed because their (MIL's & DIL's)
names are not on it. (we paid for the entire wedding, so their names
would not have appeared on the invites anyhow.) Guest count
... I was thinking that 100 would have been enough for both the families
and some of the hubby's and my closest friends. We ended up
inviting 280 people, mostly her friends she had to show off for.
But, wait, it gets better ... I brought my best friend and two cousins
over to look for bride's maids' dresses (SIL couldn't make it out
to my home town - where everybody else lived) only to later have it
reported to me that my friend and cousins were freaks. (this is where
the nervous breakdown comes in) then I have to have both of the hubby's
nieces in the wedding (I really didn't want to have children in the
wedding) and of course the catering and cake have to be done by the
MIL's favorite places. (I did get my way on the flowers, though)
The wedding day arrives, I'm getting dressed with my girls, and my
mom is there and I'm as happy as I've been during the whole fiasco,
and in comes a whole herd of in-laws. So much for bonding with
my mom. The wedding goes off smoothly (thank goodness) and the
reception goes fine, other than the MIL commandeering my photographer,
and it's about time for hubby and I to run off to spend our romantic
wedding night - when who should appear but one of the SILs asking
what time in the morning we're going to be over for breakfast to open
OUR presents and eat breakfast. Seems the MIL planned all this
without consulting the hubby or myself. Bummer, huh? Well,
so the whole thing is over and I'm looking forward to some non-stressful
relaxation and married bliss.
The next afternoon we go over to the MIL's house to gather up our
loot and open it at our home, just the two of us. As soon as
we walked in that door we got it with both barrels ... "where
have you been?" and "the whole family was waiting for you
to get here and open presents!" and "could you be any more
thoughtless?" Suddenly, I grew a spine. I told her
that hubby and I were going to open our presents at home, and that
was that. MIL threw a fit. I started bawling, and I told
my husband (we had driven separate cars the day before) that I wanted
to go home. I was not going to put up with her antics on the
day after our wedding, and I would see him when he got home.
I left. I cried the whole hour and a half home, and I cried
the whole extra 9 hours it took for him to get home, yes, NINE hours.
And that's pretty much the end of it. I don't go over to the
in-law's home much. I know hubby wants me to, but I don't care
to get stomped on all over again. Kind of like "once bitten
twice shy." Well, sorry this was soooooo long, but I feel
better for having it off my chest (we've been married for 8 months) 12/5
signed - The Bad Bad
DIL
RESPONSE: The Bad DIL
He took 9 hours to get home and you're still married????? I
certainly hope it wasn't a sign of things to come ... 12/26 RESPONSE: The Bad Bad DIL
Wow. Your mil has some nerve! You put up with a lot from
that woman. I can't believe that she took over your entire wedding
and then took over the day after your wedding! You can bet she
had HER wedding the way she wanted!!! It's so sick when these
mil's try to live vicariously through their sons. Congratulations
on growing a backbone ... don't you wish you had grown one sooner?
Doesn't it feel great to stand up to these controlling witches?
Now, if only your dh would grow a backbone as well. I hope for
your sake that he does before you two have children. When you
do have kids, please don't let this woman ruin that for you.
Don't tell her until the last possible second that you're pregnant,
and don't call her until AFTER the baby is born and AFTER you have
had a chance to bond with your child. Best of luck!!!! 1/2
I agreed to have my MIL
stay with us for the holidays. But instead of coming for Christmas
and leaving by New Years, she came for New Years and left at Christmas. 12/13
signed - Backwards
RESPONSE: Backwards
I would pack her bags and set them by the door, and remind her of
what the original plan was. I would tell her she is not going
to visit for a whole g.d. year. And then, send her on her way.
If she starts whining and crying, tell her you know damn good and
well that she knew the arrangements and is taking advantage of you,
and you will not have it. I would advise hubby of what you're
going to do beforehand so he can back you up. God, the nerve
of some people! 12/16 RESPONSE FROM POSTER: Backwards
This was a joke, not a real story ... Chill lady. 12/26 RESPONSE: Backwards
Response to poster: for some of us, this was too close to the
truth to sound like a joke, even if it was. My sister, for instance,
had her MIL come for "just a few days", only to stay for
five months! So, no one needs to "chill" around here;
in fact, a little warmth would be a good thing, especially in your
tone of voice, dear Poster. A joke may be a joke to some, but
for others it may very well ring too close to home. 12/27 RESPONSE: Backwards
In defense of the poor woman who replied to your note ... please remember
that some (most) folks are using this to vent their frustrations with
their FILs ... how was she supposed to know it was a joke? God
knows no one better joke to me about my MIL when it comes to visiting. 12/27 RESPONSE: Backwards
Dear Poster, I'm the one who responded first to your "so-called"
joke. This did hit close to home for me. I have been in
a similar situation, so I did not take it as a joke. I resent
the fact that you would tell me to "chill". I will
not "chill". I will write my feelings as I see fit.
I have noticed on several postings the word "chill".
This seems to be your favorite word. All have been nasty postings.
You must be a MIL, or someone who gets their jollies making others
feel bad. You did not make me feel bad or stupid. All
you did was confirm my belief that there are all kinds of ignorant
people in the world. For now, I will not have a battle of wits
with an unarmed person. P.S. Find another site, there are ones
for people with mental disorders such as yours. 1/2
I have been married to
my dear husband for over 11 years, and we have two beautiful children
... now my problem. My mil has always meddled in our lives,
and has never accepted me. They had his wife picked. We
both have professional careers, getting ready to build our second
home and participate in many civic and volunteer activities, as well
as politics, in our community, and instead of supporting us having
a great family life, they choose to support his sister and her husband
(an ex-stripper and felon), his brother who has two children by two
different mothers (one of which is the girl they had picked for my
husband to marry). Well, here is where the problem escalated
... my mil's father passed away last February, and she totally excluded
me from the family, even when she sent the "thank you" card
it was addressed to my husband only. Deciding that it was time,
I stood up for myself, I sent it back to her asking her to begin addressing
us as a family. Well, everything exploded at that time, and
my husband actually stood up for me for the first time in 11yrs.
She told us we were no longer welcome at her house, but now tries
to talk to our children and tell them that we won't let them visit
her. We live 1/4 mile from her. Now that it is Christmas,
we let our children choose to celebrate with the il's, and my daughter
was the only one that wanted to go. She brought home gifts for
everyone (except me). My mother and sister say that I should
just try to get along with her and forget everything that has happened
(and a lot has been said by my mil that is very hurtful). My
problem is that my husband wants his mother to apologize and then
try to work on the problem. I say we just forget they exist
and move on ... we sold our house and are moving to the other side
of the county. Any advice on whether to be the person my mother
raised me to be and try for peace, or move on and forget her?
P.S. My husband and I have had one argument since she has been out
of our lives (9mos) and we used to fight once a day!!! 12/27
signed - What To Do - Try
For Peace Or Move On?
RESPONSE: What to do - Try for peace or move on?
Move on and don't look back. If poison was leaking into your
house from some source, wouldn't you protect yourself from it?
She sounds like poison to me. 12/28 RESPONSE: What to do - Try for peace or move on?
Running away doesn't solve problems. Go with what your gut tells
you to do; it usually works. 12/28 RESPONSE: What to do - Try for peace or move on?
You should initiate peace by moving on. Who cares if this woman
never gave you a gift? She has no attachment to you, she didn't
bring you up, so what have you lost? She chooses not to have
a relationship with you, that is her perogative. You are not
a rejected child, and she is not your mother. Let your partner
deal with his mother issues. It is not your place. Be
classy and cordial, and treat her like an acquaintance ... afterall,
that is precisely what she is. 12/28 RESPONSE: What to do - Try for peace or move on?
I think you should move on, and if your MIL thinks you and your family
are important enough she will try to make peace. If not, then
dont waste your time and energy on that part of the family.
Hope things work out for the better. Good luck 12/29 RESPONSE: try for peace or move on?
I think you should make peace (if you can), because she is his mother
and the smart one makes room for the stupid one! 1/2
Note: This story
(plus entire thread) moved here from 10/14/00 archive due to recent
receipt of a response.
This isn't about MIL, rather the most evil SIL in the world.
My brother married an older woman (about 12 years older). That
was okay with Mom and the rest of the family, as long as he is happy.
But we all feel that she basically seduced him because: a) she
was desperate to get married; b) get married to a GREAT guy
like my brother; c) b/c he is in the military - if anything
happens to the marriage she would still will be supported.
Okay, so we feel that she was a money grubbing older woman who chain
smokes. So, the family flies down (at our own expense) for their
wedding. She had the wedding near to her family, so her family
wouldn't be put out. My mom suggests that she should stop smoking
since: a) it kills you; b) it isn't attractive.
My SIL says, "too bad." My mom is Asian ... you DON'T
talk disrespectfully to ANY Asian mom. Well, life goes on.
We didn't see them for Thanksgiving / Christmas ... SIL wanted to
be with her family. They now have a baby - a baby that was christened,
and we were not even invited to it. What was going on in my
brother's head? Anyway, my mom drives up (a day and a half trip)
to visit the baby and the new parents. She buys them an expense bbq
grill (that's what SIL wanted). And, for some reason (mom won't
tell us why) Mom leaves the next day. She drove for a day and
a half to basically visit for a day. I don't know what happened,
but I know that my mom never tries to "take over" (I am married w/
a toddler) so I know that she is very cautious in regards to the mother's
feelings. My brother is a better husband than son ... I don't
think that he even tried to make things nice for mom. Well,
now they are planning Thanksgiving / Christmas at SIL's family, again.
My sister and I will never see our niece unless we go there (we work
-- SIL does not).
We honestly want a happy family. I am totally ready to cut off
my brother's "family". Although I love my niece (whom I will
never see) ... I cannot love her mother. I even gave them my
toddler's old baby clothes (most with tags and brand new ... name
brand, expensive) and SIL didn't even say thank you!! Please
any advise as to what should be done? 8/23
signed - World's Most
Evil SIL
RESPONSE: Re: World's Most Evil SIL.
I'm glad you wrote in. I hope that you continue to write in
for advice and to give advice because I for one would like to hear
it. I'm not sure you will agree with what I have to say but
I see a couple of things that make me wonder how your family treated
your new family member when you met her. You say that she is
about twelve years older than your brother. There is nothing
wrong with that. I imagine, however, she was probably a bit
self-conscious about that. You gave me the impression that you
felt she was desperate to marry because she was older and that she
was after your brother's military pay. I was an older bride,
but believe me, if I didn't feel that my husband was right for me
I wouldn't have married him - no matter how much I wanted to get married
and have children. You stated that you believe that she seduced
your brother. A common mistake of in-laws is they think that
the new family member is scheming to get their relative, when nothing
could be further from the truth. I have felt at times that my
IL's felt that I was desperate, when little did they know, their son
had never had a long term relationship and was considered a nerd by
most of the people that I know (and is - but he is the kindest and
the most loving person you could meet). And I, on the other
hand, was being pursued by a couple of very successful and very handsome
men who, in the eyes of a lot of women, would have been the better
choice. They were not the better choice in my eyes, however.
Lastly, if your family does not indicate, and your brother does not
indicate to his wife, that he wants them as a family to visit his
people, then you are right to blame him. My husband and I saw
each other night and day for almost two years before we married.
He very rarely saw his parents or talked to them. I would often
ask him when he had spoken to them last. I very rarely saw him
visit them either. I saw my parents several times a year and
talked to them on the phone several times a week. 9/2 RESPONSE: Regarding World's Most Evil SIL:
Your story is suspicious. Your mother should NOT have told her
to stop smoking because it is unattractive and dangerous to her DIL's
health. 1) As a smoker she has heard it all before, 2)
you said your mother does not interfere (I disagree) 3) It is
her choice. For the record, I am a non-smoker. You simply
do NOT comment on lifestyle choices. Further, to point out that
it is unattractive is a nasty dig. Also, to point out the obvious,
mothers treat their daughters better than their DILS. So your
mother's treatment of you is NO indication of how she treats her DIL.
Your mother had a run-in with the DIL and refuses to discuss it.
Since dissing her DIL would be easy, I'm guessing it was the SON who
told her off. No mother can stand to be put in her place by
her son. Hence, the silence. You said yourself, your brother
is a better husband than a son, so where is the misunderstanding?
This "older" "evil" woman likes him, he treats her well, and he is
pushing aside the relatives to concentrate on his new family.
What's not to understand? 10/5 RESPONSE: This a response to "DIL married only to get
military benefits."
I have been a military wife for a total of 20 years. I don't
want to be mean but I must say that I have found that most civilians
don't understand the military lifestyle. To say that anybody
marries a soldier to get monetary benefit is just plain ignorant.
Do you know that a soldier works for about $1.00 an hour? Most
soldiers and their families struggle to make ends meet, and many receive
financial assistance. If the worst case scenario should happen
to my husband the SGLI compensation wouldn't be enough and we have
to buy additional life insurance out of our own pocket for peace of
mind. Being a military wife means the following: Frequent
moves, every 2-3 years, some of them overseas. Have you ever
spent 30+ hours with bouncing children on 3 different airplanes?
Once you get to your new location you will live off post for at least
a year before you may move ( note: move again) into post housing.
Kids constantly have to change schools, very rough particularly on
teenagers. Loss of friends. Families separated by very
long distance. Bad employment opportunities with long commutes,
military posts are usually located in economically depressed areas.
Wife cannot really establish a good work history because of frequent
moving. Difficulty acquiring college degrees, every State has
different requirements. The stress is indescribable if you consider
that the soldier also works long hours, and may be deployed for months
and years at a time leaving the spouse behind to tackle everything
alone. For example, three days ago our phone rang at 11:30 p.m.
bothering my DH with some work related problem. Unless your
brother is a HIGH ranking office ... Colonel, General ... there is
not much to gain, trust me! May I also add that if a soldier
retires after 20 years of service that most start a second career
because the military retirement pay is minimal. Please give
this lady a break. Once again I don't want to be mean, but I
feel that your brother is old enough to choose a mate, and he knew
she smokes before he married her.
You said in the post that, "if anything happened to the marriage
the wife would still be supported." Here is my two cents
on that comment: It is my understanding that a military member
is always required to provide for his wife and children. In
the case of a separation he would have to pay his wife BAQ, and child
support for his children. Note: Only if he is married is he
eligible for post housing. If there is a separation, the wife
and children are required to move out of post housing. Depending
on the State, in case of a divorce, as soon as there is a divorce
the requirement for him to pay BAQ ceases. It depends on the
State law whether she will receive alimony or not. Child support
is a separate issue, and as far as I know he would have to pay regardless
of the State. Note: Portion of retirement ... He would have
to be on active duty for ten years, and they would have to be married
for these ten years before she would be eligible for portion of his
retirement check in the event that he retires after 20 years of service.
This does not happen to everyone who is currently in the military.
Many get out and pursue other careers. Trust me, this amount
is so minimal it is not worth mentioning, or waiting for years to
come around. For anyone trying to profit and make it BIG ...
a military guy is not a good choice! 10/6 RESPONSE: Re "World's Most Evil SIL"
I think that if you were more concerned about welcoming your new SIL
into the family, despite her faults, and if you really cared about
your brother, then you would reach out to her and give yourself a
chance at a happy relationship with them. However, it sounds
like you've been judgmental of her from the first, and that neither
you nor your family have given her much of a chance. It sounds
like you've taken a bit of a self-righteous position towards her,
as if she's not worthy of your family. If you don't change your
attitude towards her, you are risking the very real threat of never
having a relationship with your brother, niece, or SIL again.
People don't forget unkindness, and the behavior you exhibit now will
be in their memories forever. I say try to find the love (real
unconditional love) in your heart and forgive your SIL for her humanness.
Reach out to them unconditionally and without judgment, and I guarantee
you that you'll be better for it. It's worth a try for a loving
relationship, isn't it? 10/6 RESPONSE: Re "World's Most Evil SIL"
Most Evil??? After the other stories I've read on these boards,
your SIL doesn't even rate on the Richter scale for evil. And
I agree with the others posting here, your story is suspicious, and
I suspect, full of glaring omissions. Let me just hit the high
spots:
Let's see, your SIL is evil because:
1) She's 12 years older than her husband. Oh my God, what a
wanton Mrs. Robinson we have here. Since when is 12 years a
big difference? We're not talking about a teenager and someone
in her 30's. What's more, that's a very old-fashioned view (I
suspect you're parroting your mother here), not to mention sexist.
Would anyone be objecting if a female in your family married a MAN
12 years older? I'll bet not.
2) She's a gold digger. Why? Because she landed your brother?
Silly me, I thought gold diggers went after billionaires, millionaires,
doctors, lawyers & stockbrokers. I never knew anyone considered
living on military bases to be "the good life".
3) She smokes. Holy Christ, get out the pitchforks and start
burying her already, because smoking is not just unhealthy, it's UNATTRACTIVE.
(Sounds like you're parroting dear old mom again. I'll bet nobody
ever tells the men in your family that smoking makes them "not
attractive".
4) She's (gasp!) assertive and doesn't let your passive-aggressive
mother boss her around. Your mother doesn't interfere, you say?
Like hell she doesn't. I'm picturing a conversation roughly
along these lines:
MIL: You know, eating too many sweets isn't good. Your teeth
will rot. (Um, thanks for the unwanted advice, mom. I'd never
heard that sugar does that before.) Besides, if you eat too
many sweets you'll pack on the pounds and look like a big fat ugly
cow and no man will ever want you then.
SIL: That's my business, isn't it?
MIL & family: How DARE she act so DISRESPECTFUL of my good advice!
Even if I'm wrong in the context of the advice, another thing you
said is oddly revealing: "You just don't talk to ASIAN women
that way." Another quote from mommy, hmmm? Just what
in hell does being a certain race or nationality have to do with whether
or not you treat someone with respect? The implication here
is that SIL is NOT Asian, and for some reason, should kowtow to your
mother because she IS. Or, the worse implication is that you
all resent SIL because she's outside the family race lines.
Not a pretty family portrait, either way.
My take on this is that you and your family disliked this woman from
the start. Not because of anything specific that she did, but
because of your own blind prejudice. The other reasons (gold
digger, etc.) are artificial, with no evidence to support it.
It's just an excuse to fuel your prejudice. Just like the other
MIL's posted about here. You don't believe me? Why don't
you ask your brother why he excluded you from the baptism? Somehow,
I don't buy the theory that you have "no idea" why.
It's that passive-aggressive tactics game again -- make subtle and
not-so-subtle digs at SIL, force her to defend herself, then call
her disrespectful. Somehow, I don't think Mumsy stopped with
the first reference to smoking. That was just the first match
lit, so to speak. And if your brother is as wonderful and smart
as you say, he's no dummy, and he knows EXACTLY what's going on here.
I agree, he is clearly the one who gave your manipulative mother an
ultimatum. And instead of showing respect for the sake of her
new grandchild, your mother selfishly continued to stew in her own
juices along with the rest of you. Are you actually amazed that
he would put the feelings of his own wife and daughter ahead of the
petty gripings of his shallow, self-centered family?
One more thing: if SIL didn't thank you for the clothes, that was
indeed rude. But, let me ask you this: did you actually GIVE
THEM DIRECTLY TO HER? Or did you just pass them off on your
brother and say, "Here's something for the new baby."
I suspect the latter. If you think my opinions are too harsh,
just look at your post. "I'll NEVER love her."
Why do you think your brother should invite such a closed-minded,
mean-spirited sibling to what is SUPPOSED to be a happy event?
You and your family ought to wake up and get a whiff of real life
if you ever want to have any kind of relationship with your niece.
How would you feel if your brother and parents were constantly criticizing
somebody YOU loved? Grow up, for God's sake, and stop being
so selfish.
Sign me: 2 Sides to Every Story. 12/30 RESPONSE: re: worlds most evil sis
I am afraid I cannot be overly sympathetic to your complaint about
your SIS. Her main crime seems to be her age (why? your brother
obviously doesn't seem to mind the 12 year age gap, so why should
you?) and the fact she is a smoker. I was a smoker, and even
though I have stopped, I still feel it is impolite, inappropriate
and ignorant to comment on a person's habits. Your mother was
quite out of line to tell SIS that it is "unattractive".
I feel sorry for your SIS, as it seems none of you have made her particularly
welcome into your family. Why did you consider their decision
to have the wedding near her family as impolite? It is traditional
for a bride to marry nearer to her family than the groom. I
realize that she has upset you in some way ... but you really should
examine the entire situation, consider how your mother may be manipulating
you all, and consider how your unforgiving attitude may destroy your
relationship with your brother and baby niece. She obviously
loves your brother - marrying into the military is not her sole motivation!!
- and you all owe it to family harmony to make more of an effort and
stop being so judgmental. 1/2
My MIL is Martha Stewart's
clone. It is very hard to be mad at her, because she is a truly
nice person. However, it is her feeling that if she feels something
is good for you, she'll do it or say it or whatever, whether you like
it or not. Even if she knows that it will hurt you, she'll do
something, all in the name of "what's right". She
forced us to buy our house. She ended up inadvertently screwing
our real estate person out of her commission (she insisted on being
shown the house by the showing agent and then the agent claimed that
we wanted to switch agents and our agent lost her commission).
When I went on a long trip, she came over and cooked and cleaned our
home for her helpless son, including rearranging my closets, throwing
away things that she thought "was just junk", saying that
she'd buy me new stuff (ha! still waiting after three years!), and
she went through all of my underwear and bought me new stuff for my
birthday, publicly citing the sad state of my current underwear.
Also, when I was away on this trip (shortly after purchasing the house),
she bought me a birthday present. An extremely expensive screen
door for the front of the house. With full view of our extremely
ugly front door. You see, even though we explained that we wanted
to work on the inside of the house, as it was hideous, and the outside
of the house was only partially ugly, she wanted to be able to show
her friends our picture perfect house. So she bought this expensive
screen door and then told my DH that we needed to purchase a new front
door (which cost twice as much as the screen door) because she wanted
to see how it looked. So, instead of maybe getting carpeting
or a new furnace (or a refrigerator to replace the dorm size one we
were using!), we added a $1000 cosmetic improvement, because that's
what she wanted us to do. She also asked me what kind of lights
I wanted for the front of the house. I said carriage lights
in white, to match the house. She decided that white lights would
not be seen from the street (again, needing to show off), and she
felt that black lights would look much better. So, instead she
made up this story about how she went to the store and saw these black
carriage lights and they were discounted because they were being discontinued.
Folks, these lights are still at the store four years later.
I'm probably really acting like a selfish brat, but it's all a power
trip. My DH had to tell her to not buy anything for our home
anymore because she wanted to pick out everything, and it was too
difficult to tell her that we didn't like the things she picked out.
Again, I'm probably acting like a brat, because she has relatively
good taste, but it's the principle of the thing. This is our
first home, and after living in apartments where everything was predetermined
for us, including our hand-me-down furniture (from her), we wanted
to be able to pick out our stuff ourselves.
It didn't stop with our home. For our wedding, she wore an off-white
dress, of the same designer as my wedding dress, with sequins and
appliqué's all over it. Her dress cost the same as my dress
(which was very expensive). For my flowers, I wanted real white
tulips. She was against that ... she wanted silk, pink roses.
We made what she called a compromise, (silk pink and white roses in
the formation I wanted). For our cake topper, I confided that
I really wanted the Lennox china Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming
dancing couple, and she couldn't understand why. She said, "You're
certainly no princess!" She also insisted on keeping my
wedding dress at her house, which she then showed off to everyone
who stopped by. Obviously, I couldn't see my back when I tried
on my dress. She told me that I had to lose 8 inches before
the dress would close in the back (this was a big lie, actually the
dress needed to be taken out two inches in the bust and brought IN
two inches in the waist). I also wanted to have Jordan almonds
as a wedding favor. She wanted butter mints. I hate mints.
Detest them. They taste like chalk to me. I told her this
and she said, "Let me put it this way, if you want to do almonds,
it will cost you $x. If you decide on mints, it will cost ME
$x because I'll pay for it." Again, control issues.
For the actual wedding day, she was very against taking pictures before
the ceremony. She sent me an email and said that my FIL (a very
wonderful, patient, and easygoing man) told her that, "There
was no way in hell that he was spending four hours at the church."
Then she said that she and my FIL were going to a "professional"
photographer to get their picture taken, because my professional photographer
wasn't good enough (Puhlease! They ended up going to a photography
studio chain store!). She then scheduled the studio appointment
for two hours before I would walk down the aisle, to ensure that she
wouldn't be around for the photos. The funny thing: her "professionally"
taken pictures did not turn out, not even slightly! Apparently,
the professional removed the film from the camera in daylight.
Result: she has no pictures of her and my FIL, with the exception
of a group shot.
Regarding the photographer: she later contacted him and purchased
a bunch of pictures, and he gave her all of our proofs from the wedding!
She then took the ones she wanted (!!) and gave me the rest!
She "bribed" me to take my husband's last name. She
has also decided that she needs grandchildren in a BAD WAY!
She regularly chides us for them, and has gotten very aggressive as
of late. On Christmas Eve this year, we were looking at a doll
that one of the kids had gotten. Someone remarked that it really
felt like a real baby. She sized it up in her hands and then
everyone started to watch, because she makes such a big deal about
grandchildren. Then she shoved this doll on my stomach and started
to rub me with it and everyone laughed. These were not my family,
and I always feel very uncomfortable in the first place, and I felt
very humiliated.
I really don't have it that bad, though. She is a loving woman
who truly means well. In fact, I think this story is pretty
lightweight in comparison to the ones I've read here! 12/27
signed - I Guess It's Not
So Bad!
RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
Did she hold a gun to your head and make you do what she wanted?
Tell this woman, "no" if your wants are different from hers.
It feels pretty good to do so. 12/28 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
Oh, honey, you do have it just as bad!!! This woman is taking
over your home right before your eyes. Your husband needs to
let his mother know that he means it when he tells her not to buy
anything else for your home. If she does any more "remodeling"
jobs on her own, he needs to make sure she is told to remove the item
from your home, and that disregarding his request shows disrespect
to him and you. And, one more thing ... get her in line BEFORE
you have any children, otherwise she will take them over too!!!
Being helpful and giving is one thing. Trying to have her own
needs met through her son and his wife by running their life is another. 12/28 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
Yes, you do not have it really that bad. You ALLOW yourself
to be controlled -- don't you take money from her?? No one can
FORCE you to buy a house. It seems the old lady plays you for
your greed, and you are purchasable, so quit whining. It's a
fair exchange. 12/28 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
Uh, Hello! This woman is walking all over you and your husband,
because she can! How can you let this woman make you pick things
out for your house, wedding, family planning? You need to put
your foot down. Her giving you money or buying something is
not a good enough reason for changing your name, having mints as favors,
or anything else for that matter. Get a second job if you can't
afford the things you want. 12/28 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
It sounds pretty bad to me!! You don't sound like a brat at
all -- your MIL would have me pulling my hair out (or taking up drinking,
big-time). But congratulations on your good attitude about her.
She's lucky you have such a good disposition! 12/28 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
OMG. Stop. Right now. You sound like a very nice
lady who likes to please people (I know, because you sound a lot like
me, and your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL). But your MIL is
not "truly a nice person." She is trying to control
you in a big way, and it sounds like she is getting away with it.
If she had been a real estate agent and someone had done to her what
she did to you, I'm sure there would have been hell to pay.
The thing about the underwear!!! Keeping your wedding dress??
Uuugh. How can you say this is nice! It's meant to be
an insult, and you know it deep down. You just like to think
the best of people, which is a great quality to have, but enough is
enough. Please do yourself a big favor and stand up for yourself
now. Let me prepare you, when you do, she will try to act like
the victim, but stand your ground. This is your life and your
husband's, not hers. She has no right, even in the name of being
"helpful", to run your lives, and that's what she is doing.
I know you're trying to be nice and keep the peace, but she has no
respect for you as an adult. If it is any comfort to you, everyone
knows how she is.
By the way, you are not a selfish brat! That's what SHE wants
you to think. Wanting to make your own decisions about your
life is not selfish at all. It's NORMAL. She knows how
nice you are, and uses that to her advantage.
I have been so much better off since I put my foot down and I tell
my MIL (when she is giving me her unsolicited opinion) how something
will be done instead. She doesn't like it one damn bit, but
so what. Look, it's not easy, but you have to do it now for
your sanity later. Don't let this go on for as many years as
I did, or it will be much worse.
I hope this post doesn't sound harsh, but I want to save you from
making the mistakes I have made by letting it go on too long.
Please realize that standing up for your life is not being mean.
She's the one with the problem. I wish you the best of luck.
12/29 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
If you don't want your MIL to have control, then don't give it to
her. Only you can allow your MIL to have all the power.
I learned that the hard way. 12/29 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
I couldn't finish your story, but I got the jist of it. You
basically complained about many control - type issues with your MIL,
but then you ended your story saying it's not so bad, and she's truly
a loving woman who means well. I don't understand. I think
you're truly in DENIAL! This woman sounds IMPOSSIBLE to me,
and I wouldn't put up with her one minute more. You must enjoy
getting these material things from her, or you would put her in her
place. JMHO 12/29 RESPONSE: I guess it's not so bad
How can someone force you to buy a house, a front door, or anything
else you don't want to buy? I don't think the problem is with
your MIL, it is with you and your husband not being able to say no
and stand up to her. What did she do to "make" you
buy a house? 1/2
I've been logging on to
this website for months, and feeling like it's a real support community
-- reaching out to others who are going through some of the same stuff.
The support has been genuinely therapeutic for me, and things with
my MIL have been going really well lately, so I haven't needed to
post anymore -- maybe, with the support and advice of this online
community, we've pretty much worked things out. But I still
check back to see how everybody else is doing, because I still have
sympathy for how challenging the MIL/DIL relationship can be.
Just in the past few days, though, it seems like there's one person
(I'm REALLY wondering if it's a MIL with a guilty conscience, the
type who does just the sort of passive-aggressive nasty stuff that
gets a DIL needing to vent -- who's been posting comments on this
website. Like telling people with legitimate gripes to "chill."
I wish, if she's not in the spirit of the thing, she'd find another
website to "hang out" at. Those callous remarks aren't
helping anyone. And that's what this website is for -- to help
each other. Whoever it is, find another website, ok? I
can't imagine why you'd want to get on this website anyway, feeling
the way you do. 12/29
signed - Temporarily Disappointed
EDITOR'S RESPONSE: To Temporarily Disappointed
First, thank you for your kind words. We are always thrilled
to learn about success stories from this site. To address your
concern over the "nasty stuff" we just wish to make you
aware of the following. We read each and every submission prior
to posting it on this site. We try very hard to allow for the
posting of all opinions, regardless of whether we are in agreement
with said opinions or not. We also recognize that these topics
can be emotionally charged, and try to allow leeway when expressing
ones opinions. We try hard to filter out anything that crosses
the line into "nasty". We apologize if we were unsuccessful
at protecting that line in the particular posting(s) to which you
refer. We appreciate your feedback, and will continue every effort
to keep this site as a helpful, supportful, community. 12/29 RESPONSE: To Temporarily Disappointed
Thanks for posting that message! My sentiments exactly!
I am quite irritated by this person's posts as well. This nasty
(and very unhelpful) poster needs to keep their negativity to his/her
self. I would suggest they go to another site, but I'm sure
this person has NOBODY to share their unsavory thoughts with! 1/1
I cried when I read some
of the stories about wives and their mothers-in-law. I can relate.
My husband is very sick when it comes to his mom. I understand
he loves her, but he lets her take such advantage of us - me and the
kids. I have tried everything to help him, including handing
him excerpts from a very good book entitled, "Mothers, Sons and
Lovers." His mom infringed on him so much when he was growing
up b/c she married an abusive man. My husband views his mother
as a Damsel in Distress/Victim and he is the Hero who must constantly
save her. He will not let her grow up. It really affects
the way I feel about him - he just refuses to fess up. Well,
a friend told me to PRAY - to pray everyday to God for my husband.
You can't make people see anything they don't want to see.
To all those women - when your husbands say you hate their mothers,
or that you want your husband to hate his mother - DO NOT BUY INTO
THIS. This is a lame excuse. A way for them to blame you
for problems THEY have in their relationship so they do not have to
change. DO NOT TAKE THE EMOTIONAL BLAME. Stand up in a
gentle way for yourself and don't stop PRAYING, ever.
May we all somehow find strength in our God. It's hard for me
to take my advice, so I understand everyone's pain and frustration.
Here is to a happy holiday and a hopeful New Year. 12/22
signed - Pray For Peace
RESPONSE: Pray For Peace
I would love to find that book, "Mothers, Sons, and Lovers".
Could you give me the name of the author? Thanks, I appreciate
it. :) 1/1 EDITOR'S RESPONSE: Pray For Peace
We would be happy to help. The information regarding the book can
be found via the following link: Mothers, Sons, and Lovers:
How a Man's Relationship with His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life 1/1
I posted an earlier story
about my MIL's attitude towards breastfeeding. Here are a few
more examples of her methods.
Every time I sat down to feed my child she would tell me a little
breastfeeding story. This habit continued with my second child
as well. The stories always had the same theme, that breastfeeding
was BAD. The best one has been told to me at least 4 times.
My husband and I joke about it behind her back. Here in NZ there
is a man convicted for killing his entire family, Mum, Dad, sister
and brothers. My MIL loves to tell me that his mother breastfed
him till he was nine! Firstly, what a load of rubbish.
No 9 year old would want to breastfeed. Secondly, if he was
breastfed 'til 4, 5, or 6, why would breastfeeding, which is such
a nurturing, loving, NON SEXUAL thing make him violent? Violence
breeds violence, for Gods sake. She has blamed my daughter's
skin problems on breastfeeding, despite her bottle fed husband having
suffered from it as a child, and despite the fact that it was from
him and him alone that my daughter inherited the problem! I
could go on and on. Her greatest fear has been realized, however.
Her attacks on breastfeeding made me all the more determined to let
my children wean themselves when they are ready, and, SHOCK, HORROR,
my son is 4 and my daughter 2. GOSH, my DH and I better watch
out. Won't be long before junior massacres us all in a fit of
breast milk induced violence!!!!! 12/20
signed - Breastfeeding
Mania
RESPONSE: Breastfeeding Mania
I hope you're not still breastfeeding your 4 year old son. That
is a little weird. I wonder if he tells the kids at school at
show and tell. 12/21 RESPONSE From Poster: Breastfeeding Mania
I would like to respond to the poster who replied to my original posting.
I understand you thinking that breastfeeding a 4 year old is weird.
When I first saw a toddler being breastfed it freaked me out too.
We live in a world where baby dolls come with bottles. We don't
see babies, let alone toddlers, being fed on TV or in the movies.
It doesn't seem normal, even though it is obviously what nature intended.
I don't force my son to breastfeed. It is something that he
wants to do. Most people imagine that breastfeeding a 4 year
old would be like feeding a baby, i.e. instead of food and drink,
and it would happen a lot. That's not the case. For more
information on we weird mothers who breastfeed past 3 months, do visit
the La Leche League Web site. You will find that we are not
bead wearing hippies, but educated professional women. In fact,
statistics show that women with degrees are the most likely to breastfeed
past a year (NZ statistics)
As for show and tell at school, I have breastfed my 2 year old at
my sons kindy (no breast showing of course) and children have come
up to me fascinated, and I have stated confidently that I am giving
my daughter milk to drink. When I have agreed with them, they
often tell me how their Mummy feeds their sister or brother that way.
These kids are unlikely to have any hang-ups about this process.
It is obvious to their still innocent eyes that I am simply feeding
my child milk. It is only the container that is different.
Breasts were designed for mothering, NOT sex. Our society has
sexualized them. 12/22
signed - Weird Mum And
Proud Of It
RESPONSE: Breastfeeding Mania
Breastfeeding until age 4 or older is unusual in the US, but not in
many other countries. So, it's probably not hurting the kid
or anything. But, the more unusual something becomes, the more
comments a mother will hear. Does anyone else here have any
info on extended breastfeeding (and IL reactions)? 12/22 RESPONSE: Weird Mum And Proud Of It
As an American grandmother, I find it so strange that people are so
hung up on what other people's chosen child-rearing techniques are.
Breast milk is the very best food a mother can give her child; everything
else is inferior to it in every way. And the thought that breasts
were made for sex and not for babies is simply stupid. Please
continue nursing your children until they and you are ready for another
life phase. We are often so busy listening to the advice of
others, we give up on what we KNOW in our heart to be right for them.
I was thought a "weird mum" on occasion myself, but know
what? I have two healthy, well adjusted, grown children who are raising
healthy, well adjusted BREAST FED grandkids for me to enjoy, and I
like it this way! 1/1 RESPONSE: Weird Mum And Proud Of It
As an American grandmother, I find it so strange that people are so
hung up on what other people's chosen child-rearing techniques are.
Breast milk is the very best food a mother can give her child; everything
else is inferior to it in every way. And the thought that breasts
were made for sex and not for babies is simply stupid. Please
continue nursing your children until they and you are ready for another
life phase. We are often so busy listening to the advice of
others, we give up on what we KNOW in our heart to be right for them.
I was thought a "weird mum" on occasion myself, but know
what? I have two healthy, well adjusted, grown children who are raising
healthy, well adjusted BREAST FED grandkids for me to enjoy, and I
like it this way! 1/1
Ever since I started dating
my husband (seven years ago), I've received some sort of candle product
from this woman. I don't know where she got the idea in her
head that I liked candles (who knows??). I was really burned
up last holiday when my husband's sister-in-law received something
like $300 or more in gifts (clothes, pocketbook, sneakers and a bracelet)
and I was handed yet another candle and 1/2 of my husband's brand
new steering wheel for his car. Can't wait to see what I get
this year! 12/22
signed - Getting Candles
Burned Me Up
RESPONSE: Getting Candles Burned Me Up
I know how you feel. For some unknown reason, my dear MIL decided
to get me a basket of candles and some Navy cologne. She knows
that I have allergies, and she has been told on more than one occasion
(when she asked me what I was wearing) what was the only kind of cologne
that I could wear without my eyes hurting and having sneezing fits.
She also knows, from being at my house for my bridal shower, that
I only have two kinds of candles I can tolorate the smell of, and
she got one of the ones i've spec. said hurt my eyes. At the
same time my SIL (I love them both to death) got several nice high
dollar gifts. 1/1
Where do I begin!
My in-laws are the most horrid people in the universe! My only
refuge is that my husband can't stand them either. Let's start
with the BIL's ... they simply are jerks, and told my husband many
a time not to marry me! When he asked them why, they said because
he hadn't dated enough people to get married (please tell me -- what
is the min number of people you must date before getting married?)
On our wedding day, his bro's would not dance with the bride (ME),
and they left our wedding for 2 hours in order to crash the wedding
in the hall next door to us! We didn't even see them all night!
As for the FIL - well, my husband and I have been together for 6 and
1/2 years, and I believe he has said 4 words to me. He is quite
simply a jerk.
The MIL -- now the fun begins. She pretends to be nice on the
outside, and then the truth comes out. Years of Tacky, Cheap,
dollar-store presents. The queen of guilt trips!! Thank
God my husband doesn't fall for them. She defends the BIL and
FIL about their actions at our wedding, saying we are too sensitive.
She won't even acknowledge my family exists. As far as they
are concerned, the only family that exists is them and their three
sons.
We wanted to give an old computer to my neice (one that was given
to my husband as a b-day gift 6 years ago) which is totally useless
to anyone in his family (they all have nice computers). They
demanded that we give his back to them (when they heard we would give
it to her.) When they don't even need it or want it! Obviously,
we didn't give it back, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
At our wedding; at our shower/bachelor party; any occasion where the
2 families would get together, they would just disappear in their
corner and not associate with anyone!
And so on, and so on ... I could go on forever!
Anyone out there feel the same as me??? 12/28
signed - Should We Even
Bother With Them Anymore????
RESPONSE: Should We Even Bother With Them Anymore????
I wouldn't waste my time. I learned that this year. The
old guilt trip. It doesn't work for me anymore. After
15 yrs. of them blaming me for everything, I realized it wasn't worth
it anymore. Stick to your beliefs. Believe me, it will
work out. I figure it's their loss, not mine. I told my
husband that I married him, not them. I don't see their names
on the marriage cert. I truly have the MIL from Hell.
If it's not her way, it's not way then. Wanna Bet! Life
is too short to waste it on people who just don't care. Hang
in there. Love your family and take care. 12/30
I was wondering if I was
the only person in the world to have the most strangest MIL in this
world. I believe she hated me from day one. Isn't it suppose
to be a man should leave his mother and a woman leave her home?
My husband did leave his mother, but she just can't let go.
I married him, not his whole family. I finally figured it out,
that they're control freaks. I decided this year not to spend
Christmas with them because Christmas should be every day. Not
just one. Tell me if I'm right or wrong. I'm not saying
I don't love them, but enough is enough. I've been married 15
years, and yes I love my husband. But his family drives me nuts.
I always see double standards. My husband told me that my MIL
cried when he went and picked up the gifts. And of course he
had to tell me. I said to him, "Did you ask her about all
the times I cried over this stuff?" Let me know what you
feel about this. Believe me, I could write a book! Thanks. 12/30
signed - Christmas Should
Be Every Day
As
much as I whine about my MIL, there are two things that keep me sane;
my husband supports me a thousand percent, and we do NOT ACCEPT MONEY
OR EXPENSIVE GIFTS FROM THEM.
My MIL "happened to mention" to my husband lately (somewhere
in the discussion) that we, "owed her a grandchild", that
she expects that we will be buying a house soon (to house the kids
she wants us to have RIGHT NOW), and she will lend us the money for
a down payment.
My family basically cut us loose when we were out of school -- if
we were permanently crippled, they'd take us in, but that's about
it. Not to say they aren't loving and wonderful, but we are
not to tap them for cash. It's fine. It's the way I was
raised.
BUT ... MIL wavers between being "so proud her kids don't have
to borrow money from her", and trying to shove it on us so we're
obligated. Since I'd rather fry in a hot place than take her
cash, this wasn't a conflict between the husband and I, even when
he was unemployed for 18 months. Her latest hinting about a
down payment will undoubtedly come with the string attached that we
move to be closer to her ... (fat chance).
Just a thought: If MIL is a controlling be-yotch, a) make sure
your spouse understands that, and is part of the Marriage Team, not
the Mom team, and b) NEVER, EVER take her freaking cash. 12/30
signed - Poor But
Happy ... And An Hour Away From MIL.
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