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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 1/20/01
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I regret that I didn't get time to post this story at the holiday, because it's a holiday gem.  I had been married seven years when my in-laws finally decided to visit at Christmas.  We had invited them many times, but work or the weather always got in the way.  The prior Christmas, they were supposed to see us, but they sent their gifts ahead.  And when we called to see what had happened, they made the excuse that the weather might hamper them again.  Needless to say, it did.  So on the Christmas in question, I planned every detail for their comfort and enjoyment.  I asked them their food preferences.  I cleaned every area of our house.  I purchased new linens.  They are absolute cleanliness fanatics.  I decorated to the hilt.  When our two dogs tore down the tree, I dutifully put up another.  At the time, I was working, and attending college, and my husband worked about 65 hours a week.  The evening for their arrival came, and lo and behold, it snowed.  Not having heard to the contrary, I arranged a wonderful buffet of their favorite foods, and turned on all the driveway and outdoor lights.  My husband called to say he was held up, but when they got there, I fell all over them taking coats, getting food, and settling them into their rooms.

The first odd thing happened as they arrived.  They had brought my brother-in-law, who I knew was coming, and his girlfriend.  What was I going to do with her?  My INLs are very uptight about sex; so I knew putting them together was out.  Since I only had three bedrooms, I offered him a room at my parent's, along with the use of their second car (brand new).  My parents knew him and they lived less than 1/4 mile away.

In the midst of these plans, my husband finally arrived home, and we had what I thought was a nice buffet and present exchange before retiring to sleep.  My BIL opted to sleep on the floor outside his girlfriend's room!

The next morning, Christmas, my husband got up and started making breakfast and told me to sleep in as his parents get up at 6:00 and I was beat.  I came down at about 9:30 and was getting horrible glares, even from my husband.  As I was having my second cup of tea, my MIL announced that the "family" was going for a walk.  Let me say, my MIL had a serious knee injury at the time and it had snowed 10 inches.  But out they went.

Back they came in about 15 minutes announcing that they had put all their things in the car and were leaving.  I was speechless, but not for long.  Of course, I demanded to know why they were leaving.  My MIL said that they felt unwelcome.  They told my husband that there were no lights on when they arrived, and that I refused to put any on.  Furthermore, they said that I had not hung up their coats and only gave them something to eat when he arrived.  I had not even made them breakfast!

But the real killer was this: my MIL's daughter from a first marriage had phoned her several times in the week and said that she had dreams that my husband was "living in marital misery" and my MIL had been reading tea leaves and they confirmed the dreams!  My SIL has several degrees, and my MIL was a head nurse in an exclusive psychiatric hospital!  Furthermore, they both felt that my husband was "trapped by all this."  My MIL proceeded to give me a copy of "The Open Marriage".

They left, but not before I told them that if they did so, they would never be welcomed back.  And my husband and I stuck to our guns.  A year and a half after this horrible incident, they phoned with a request for us to come to see them. We drove to their home about three hours away, and without admitting any guilt (just a terrible misunderstanding was their explanation) they patched things up.  There have been many, many incidents since then.  Heck, I've been married 29 very happy years. But since that time, I never let them off the hook when they step out of line.  I am always polite but firm in my decisions that involve them, and though I don't become angry in their presence, I will never let them talk to me like that again.  And guess what?  It works.  They don't love me, it's true, but they show respect, and that's the best you can hope to achieve with people like them.  Oh, and we never see them at Christmas.
 1/12
        signed - Wiser, Not Sadder, For The Holidays
I live in the south, and received a fur coat from my m-i-l for a Christmas gift.  When I saw the fur coat, it was so outdated, I said to my husband, after she was not present, that it looks like a coat she had hanging in her closet for years.  He said, "Yes it is.  I have seen it in her closet."  Plus, she made a big deal about it before giving it to me.  I tried to sell it @ a garage sale for real cheap, and guess what?  No one bought it, so it ended up in the salvation army !!!!!!!!!
1/12
        signed - Couldn't Even Garage Sale It
I've seen mentioned a few stories on not being the "perfect Southern-style wife."  Well, here's mine.  My husband is from the South & I am from the Northeast.  We met up in NJ, where we both lived at the time.  Eventually, his parents asked us if we would move down South, and that while we were saving for a house, we could stay in a house that they own, & that they didn't want us to worry about paying rent.  I thought that was very nice of them at first, thinking, "Wow, they must really miss their son a lot." (He was up North for almost 8 years.)  Well, besides what ensued over the course of us getting married, (they didn't show up, made plans for my BIL to visit H's ex-wife during our wedding, etc.) we decided to move.  They practically attacked me about things, "Well, it may be THAT way up North, but ... ," and pretty much bashed me for being from NJ. (Hey -- I didn't ask to be born, let alone have much input into WHERE!)  My IL's think that I am way too opinionated/straightforward (which I think has more to do with how I was raised, but we Jersey Girls aren't afraid to tell anyone what we think!) and not "submissive" enough.  Hey, am I crazy for not allowing H to give me an "allowance" and be his slave of a housewife like my MIL is?  "You should be doing this, this & this -- that's how it's done here."  Well, I'm not from here!  And I don't choose to live my life as a submissive person!

One kicker came a few months after we were here -- we live in the country, middle of nowhere type deal, and, no offense to anyone, but where I am, there's nothing but straight-up hicks.  I'm fine with it, & I don't bother or heckle anyone.  FIL has this nut of a friend who eats every part of the squirrel -- eyeballs, brain, everything. (EEWW!!)  OK, some people like it, fine.  But don't go on & on about it, 'cause I'm not impressed, & you're not grossing me out all that bad.  FIL's yup-yup buuddyy kept trying to, I guess tick me off or something.  So I turned to FIL & the buudddy & said, "You people do have supermarkets out here with beef, pork & chicken, right?  Like normal people?  See, up North, we're a civilized people, & we eat normal food." (This was after they attacked my "weird" cooking -- yeah, Italian food is so ... NEW JERSEY!!)  This majorly ticked FIL off, & he said something like, "When your parents come down, I'm fixin' to wear my overalls & scare them.  That should be easy to scare those Wall Street Types."  I told him that all he was "yup-yup fixin'" to do was make an a$$ out of himself if he did that (and he did, too).

Then, a few months later, MIL laid into me again.  She was telling me the sordid details of her marriage ("he treats me like his slave", etc.) and asked for my opinion.  I told her I didn't want to get involved, but that H would never be allowed to treat me that way.  What exactly does that have to do with her telling me, "Oh, you Northerners!  So abrasive & opinionated!  So full of attitude!  You're fixin' to have a hard time here if you act like a 'city slicker'." (????)  I think that these people (IL's) are just freaks.  I mean, get a life.  Why is it that whenever I see them, the highlight of the day is bashing me for being a "Displaced Yankee?"  I never retaliate with hick jokes or anything.  They're so rude about it -- like if you're not from the South, you suck.

The newest big-deal is my accent/wardrobe. (I've been here 2 years & hardly lost my accent.) MIL/FIL are asking me, "When are you going to lose that silly accent & dress more like a refined Southern woman?" (I'm a metal-head chick -- leather jacket, the hair, tons of bracelets & rings)  I told them that this is how I come, take it or leave it, be happy I'm not YOUR wife, and that I'm sorry H & I embarrass them so much. (They even lay into H about how he's lost his Southern accent, and, "Did she do this to you?")

I have no idea what to make of these people.  This whole deal to me doesn't make any sense.  It's beyond just little jokes here & there.  This is something they hold against me constantly & are extremely hateful about.  I don't even say anything the majority of the time!  I would like to hear from someone who may have some insight on this.  I know they don't like me for other reasons, but why pick a stupid reason like this????
 1/12
        signed - Why Pick A Stupid Reason Like This?
My sister-in-law called about two weeks ago to complain that the jacket we sent to her son is too small for him, and that he did not like it.  My husband sent her a fax the following day, in which he asked her to send the jacket to my niece, who lives in a third world country which is going through a hard winter.  He cited my sister's address in the fax, and he promised her that he would buy another Christmas gift to her son.  She never called to acknowledge that she received the fax, and she never sent the jacket to my niece.  Mind you, she is very rich.  It makes me so upset to realize that there is so much evil in this world.  After all, my niece is only an innocent child who asked for a jacket to warm up in the winter.  Each year, we have to spend a lot of money on gifts for her only child, who seems to have everything in the world.  But when we asked her to send a jacket to my niece, that we bought, and that did not fit him, she did not.  This just confirms my instinct about this cruel, selfish, self-centered person.
 1/11
        signed - This Just Confirms My Instinct
I have read with much interest so many stories on this website.  I am actually writing from the UK, and some MIL's here are no different.  I had an experience a few years ago with a man I almost married whose mother was a nightmare from hell.  It was that experience which led me to checking the web and seeing if anyone else had the same experiences as me.  At the time I felt like no one else had this MIL problem, but now I know how wrong I was.

I should have been suspicious the first time I met this woman.  She never took her eyes off the TV to say Hello to me, and carried on as if I wasn't there.  Her son was an only child, and as her husband (his father) had died about 7 years before, so it had just been the two of them!  I was the first serious relationship he ever had, and he was 30!

Anyway, things went downhill from there.  She invited me 'round for Sunday lunch and cooked pigeon, hoping to put me off eating so she could criticize me!  On other occasions, she cooked goat, rabbit and rare beef, all with the same intentions.  She would then sulk if we didn't eat everything.  The first Christmas we were together he bought me an expensive dress to go to his company party, and when he left the room after questioning over the price of it, she said she hoped I was worth it and wouldn't show him up!!

She got to be a big laughing point with my friends, and whenever they saw me they wanted the next installment of what she had said or done.  She once put alcohol in my coffee so I couldn't drive home, and insisted I share her bed, and then said, "Oh, sleep with him if you must.  I am open minded.  I know what you get up to!!"  I got a cab home!

She used to always be making references to us and sex, and insinuating what I might have got up to in the past.  She once decided to announce to some friends that she had 'round for dinner that I had bad period pains.  She was truly awful.

Anyway, he asked me to marry him when we went on holiday ... I stupidly agreed.  Upon our return we told her and she said, "Oh, what religion will you bring your children up as?!"  Was that important at this point in time?  Not at all, considering she was one religion, her husband was another, and my boyfriend and I weren't particularly practicing in any religion!

If it was humanly possible, she got worse after this announcement.  I once washed some of his shirts and she went mad, saying I would spoil them, and that only she could wash and iron them properly.  He once told her we'd been clothes shopping and he had bought new shirts, and she responded with, "Oh, well.  I hope she isn't going to get you dressing all common."

The more I write, the more I can think of, and the more annoyed I get.  Anyway, he was such a p*ssy, he wouldn't ever say anything unless he was in front of both of us, in which case he would say, "Oh, sort it out yourselves!"  In the end I was so sick and tired of it, I called off the whole thing.  If he couldn't stand up to his own mother, what sort of a man was he?  I recently found out that he is still single and has had no serious relationships since me ... what a surprise.

I respect you women that can stick it out and go the course.  Maybe for the right man I would, but I lost respect for him big time over this aspect of his life.

Now I'm married happily to a man with a lovely mother.  Although she isn't perfect, she is positively amazing compared to the last one.
 1/11
        signed - I got out
My MIL is the cheapest woman alive.  She cancelled her trash pickup service so she could save a buck.  She proceeded to bring her trash to our house and put it in our trash can.  As if this wasn't annoying enough, she started putting bags of trash in our trunk for us to take home (without telling us!)  It has been a few torturous years since this started, and I finally had enough.  One day, our dog, who shall remain nameless, spread the trash (which we had stored on our deck) all over the lawn.  I was so furious at my MIL, because we would have enough room in the trash can if not for her.  As I am noticing the dog, my SIL, who lives with my MIL, drove up and dumped 2 huge bags of trash into our trash can and drove away, without so much as a honk.  I was so angry!  I drove to my MIL's house and dropped her trash right back in her driveway, and left her a message on her answering machine telling her that she was no longer going to give us her trash.  I felt so much better after that!!  Luckily, my DH thought it was pretty funny.  (Even luckier: I haven't heard from my MIL since!)
 1/5
        signed - Trash Talker

RESPONSE:  Trash Talker
Be careful that she doesn't cancel the sewer bill!  You never know what she will show up with next!
 1/6
RESPONSE:  trashy MIL
You go girl!
 1/7
RESPONSE:  Trash Talker
I can't believe she took advantage of you in that way, BUT -- if you let it go on for "years" then that was part of the problem ... these things have to be stopped before they become habit!
 1/9
RESPONSE:  Trash Talker
You are my Idol.  Was that my sister that wrote "you go girl"?  You definitely can not pull that line off.  Wait ... did I just give myself away??
 1/11
frequent fry her entryI knew that it was too good to be true.  My FMIL has started again.  Just a little at first.  My fiancé and I are planning and paying for our wedding.  No help from any of the families financially.  I'm having fun!  I am doing all of my own decorations, and making CD's of all of the music we will use.  Just yesterday I found a WONDERFUL recipe for a wedding cake that is a little difficult, but fun.  I expressed my interest to my fiancé and he thought that it sounded great. (He loves my cooking and I really enjoy it!)  When my FMIL heard us talking about it, she freaked!  She kept saying how it would just be a disaster, and how she would rather just pay the money and not have to worry about it.  I said that cakes are expensive and that I would enjoy doing this.  She just acted like the world was ending.  But it only lasted for a bit.  An hour later I said something about the wedding invitations to her, and she changed the subject.  Every time that I mentioned the wedding, she did this.  It's exactly how she was acting before.  She's clammed up again.  Then came the jabs.  "I'm so glad you aren't going on a honeymoon.  My Angel just can't afford it." (We're staying at home and locking ourselves in the apartment.  She thinks it's a week off to be with family.)  "Did you get your dress yet?  Oh, right, you had to special order the big size.  Mine was made just for me, and it was easier because I was so small then." (She is a large woman now, and knows that I am very sensitive about my weight.)  "Are you going to take your dog?  You know that my Angel is allergic to dogs.  I guess he'll just have to get a good doctor." (My fiancé was the one who picked my dog out, and insisted on getting him!  He's never had an allergy.)  "I just think that you two are too young.  Why not postpone it for a couple of years?" (I am 21 and my fiancé is 26!)  This is getting ridiculous.  My fiancé and I bought a computer and are using it at his house now.  His mother never touches it.  If she does, she has to have him sitting right beside her, because she just gets, "so confused with this new technology."  She uses a computer at work!  When we were talking about moving, she said that she was really going to miss the computer.  She then asked my fiancé if, when he got on the computer, could he call her and ask if she needed to order anything off of the internet.  I jokingly said that if he called whenever he was on the computer, he would be calling every night.  She looked at me and said, "Well, he's going to do that anyway."  My fiancé and I just blew this off.  I know that there will be a showdown about the calling sometime.  I also know that I will win it.  Luckily, my fiancé still stays strong.  He knows what his mother plays, and he stands up for me.  I was just so excited because I thought that things were getting better.
 1/10
        signed - Was Excited - Thought Things Were Getting Better

RESPONSE:  Was Excited
I think you are very mature for your age, though 21 is awfully young.  You are doing a great job of graciously handling your MIL without getting petty.  Good for you!  Keep it up!
 1/11
RESPONSE:  Was Excited - Thought Things Were Getting Better
Your FMIL is having a hard time right now with letting go.  I would be extra extra sweet to her, even though this is a very stressful, and yes, exciting time for you.  I am sure she will eventually see you for the good person you are, and adjust accordingly.  Right now, you are the one taking her son away.  She had to have done something right in her mothering, though, to have a son you could actually fall in love with, right?  Some of her comments are completely uncalled for, but then others seem normal for mother's of those getting married.  I understand the cake comment.  It may be too busy and stressful for you, just before the wedding, to bake a wedding cake.  If this is important for you, just sit her down and tell her.  If she still doesn't understand, just let her know, "Mom, I know you don't understand why I want to do this, but it is OUR wedding and WE make the decisions.  I want this to be MY DREAM wedding, and making the cake is part of the dream."  Then drop it.  She may never understand, and it doesn't matter if she does.  Good Luck and Best Wishes!
1/11
RESPONSE:  Was Excited - Thought Things Were Getting Better
My first suggestion to you is that you immediately start calling him "My Angel", especially in front of your FMIL.  After he marries you, if he has a spine, he will be your angel and not hers!  My second suggestion is that his computer should move in with you.
1/11
My MIL always tells me what I do wrong with the newborn baby I have.  She tells me I wear too much perfume, and that she is always wet, etc.  When we ask her to baby-sit, she goes into the baby's closet to look at her clothes, and decides to rearrange our pictures on the wall and rearrange the bathroom, etc.  When I tell my husband, he gets really nervous and yells at her, and then tells me to talk to her, not him.  And, at times, he tells me my mother is hard to get along with.  What shall I do?  Because I don't want to be bothered with her anymore.
1/10
        signed - She Rearranges Our Pictures

RESPONSE:  She rearranges pictures
The next time you catch her rearranging your pictures, just be frank and tell her you like the way the pictures are arranged, and they do not have to be rearranged.  If she insists on it, tell her that you will not rearrange the pictures at her home, and she should refrain doing it at your home.  I think that's just simply rude to invade one's living space like that.
1/10
RESPONSES:  She Rearranges Our Pictures
I understand your frustration, and I sympathize with you.  As far as the criticisms, you should try to blow it off, as you don't want to make waves/war over petty things like how much perfume you wear.  She will (hopefully), in time, learn her place in this baby's life.  Some grandmas have a hard time figuring this out.  They want to mother instead of grandmother.  As far as the rearranging goes, ask her if she moved your frames, nicely.  Just kind of letting her know you know she did it.  Or, think about whether it is that important to even mention to her at all.  Is it that terrible to put things back once in a while to keep peace?  It is up to you.  But think about it, and I am sure you will make the right decision.  There are so many bigger things that could be going on and probably aren't.  I would count my blessings for that.
1/11
RESPONSE:  She Rearranges Our Pictures
If you don't live with her, quit letting her visit you so often.  Besides, YOU, not she, are morally and legally responsible for your daughter.  So all decisions made on your daughter's behalf are yours.  In other words, you may need to tell your MIL that you are your daughter's mother, and that you have your daughter's best interests in mind, as you will raise her to the best of your abilities.
1/11
I will be married in a short 5 months to my beau of 5.5 years.  He has a 6 year old daughter who I've known since she was 16 months old.  My fiancé got awarded full custody when she was 4 years old.  Needless to say, I've raised her on my own because her father attends night school.  My MIL has never given me praise for doing a marvelous job in raising her granddaughter.  She would only criticize.  She is one of those that talk behind your back as well as put a knife in it, but she is all smiles to my face.  For her to put up a front makes me not trust her.  Any type of friendship is based on trust.  I don't trust my MIL as far as I can throw her.  She has done a terrible job in raising her son, my fiancé.  I had to be the one to tell him to get his life together so he can support a family.  I would not be a single parent right now had my MIL given her son direction in the first place!  Raising a kid is not easy, especially when I've never had one myself.  I just wish she would show me some kind of gratitude.  After all, I did accept her son and her granddaughter as a package.  I refuse to have any dealings with my MIL at all.  She is too self absorbed, and for the most part gossips about other people's lives.  Boy, does she ever feed negative energy! 
 1/10
        signed - Boy, Does She Ever Feed Negative Energy!

RESPONSE:  Boy Does She Ever Feed Negative Energy
I am also a step-parent, for almost five years to 2 great kids who are 8 & 10.  We recently moved by the in-laws & before the kids got here, MIL went on & on about how she wants to get to know her "able-bodied & healthy grandchildren". (My niece is crippled & unable to speak due to Cerebral Palsy.)  Well, WHEN they got here was a different story.  She & FIL acted so condescending to me the whole time -- "Can you handle them, blah, blah."  I told her that I have handled them at their worst in the past, when H & I had weekend visitation before we moved.  Did I also mention that I am 22 years old, the oldest in my family?  Yes, I am young, but they know that I've had a ton of experience with kids in general.  But this is just another reason for them to b*tch, as far as I'm concerned.  They used their opinion of how I cared for the kids against me the entire time they were here.  Hey, the kids were clean, fed, and ready & available for them to spend time with the in-laws whenever they wanted.  If it weren't for MY persistence, they never would've seen their grandchildren.  And MIL would take them for an hour & then complain that they weren't behaving.  So not true.  She is really one to talk about my morals, etc. in raising kids ... she didn't do such a stellar job with her own family.  My FIL allegedly molested my SIL & I didn't come right out & say it (because SIL has a tendency to be a pathological liar), but I made sure that if FIL was to be around them, that either my husband or I would be present at all times & watching very closely.  All in all, this boils down to the fact that they do not deem me to be an "acceptable replacement" as far as a step-mother goes.  Please.  My husband isn't even sure that his son is his biological child, but he & I do not care.  MIL/FIL know this too.  They hate that H finally married someone who genuinely cares about him, and most importantly, cares for, loves & takes very seriously the duty I have to these wonderful kids.  They don't even seem thrilled that my family has accepted them with open arms.  (Because that makes the ex mad.)  MIL tells me that I am very hypocritical that I do not wish to have kids of my own.  Why is that hypocritical?  I have 2 great kids.  It's just that, for the meantime, we are separated by a thousand miles, so we can save money for THEM ... for college, cars, & a house big enough & ready for them to move in, should they decide, when they get old enough, that they want to.  This year, when they come down, I have to attend college a good part of the day while my husband is at work.  Already, they're freaking out, because in essence, they think they're doing ME a favor.  Whatever.  Then H & I will arrange for daycare!
 1/11
RESPONSE:  Boy, Does She Ever Feed Negative Energy!
There is no talking to someone with that kind of personality.  All you really can do is pity them, and be courteous and kind, and just let things go.  I know you will occasionally get so ticked that things will slip out, but for the most part, you have to be the bigger person.  Don't let her bother you.  You are in this for the long haul!  So make the best of it.
 1/11
My MIL is so far up in la-la-land that you can not hold a conversation 
with her, UNLESS it is about nothing at all.  When I think it's safe to talk to her, it all backfires.  She assumes the worst of anything I ever say.  She makes me feel like she should be tiptoed around, you know, "Please me, or ELSE!"  We are expecting our first child, and that ought to be a pure joy dealing with grandparent stuff!

What gets me is the in-laws stayed with us x-mas day and x-mas night, and the MIL makes herself very much at home.  She will take a bath without asking.  I feel that taking a bath vs. a shower in someone else's home that you INFREQUENTLY visit is pushing the envelope.  She helps herself to the kitchen, but NOT the cleaning.

We can't even tell her that I will not be working once our baby is born.   So she doesn't get that NOT everyone has $$$$$ in the bank like she does.  But she is wound up so tight that she simply doesn't get it!

Talking to her is like being questioned by the authorities, I imagine!  Total and complete interrogation, with the presumption that EVERYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU!

Don't they know when they become sticks in the MUD!  I better not give myself any ideas!
 1/9
        signed - MIL Far Up In La-La Land

RESPONSE:  MIL up in la la land
You are not alone in the questioning department.  I thought my MIL had recently got a job as a detective, since she is so good at interrogation and keeping me under surveillance (knowing when I am home and not).  Then I realized she couldn't be a detective because she couldn't get a clue if her life depended on it!!!  I had asked her to call first, and given her repeated hints about not liking unexpected visitors, which she had ignored.  She has to know every detail when I'm not attending one of the family functions.  I have tried to avoid these interrogating calls, but then she just shows up until she gets answers to her questions!  So then I leave home when I suspect she's going to stop by and interrogate me.  She has even gone so far as to call my H at work and ask him where I've been lately.  She could just find out from him if I'm coming or not, but it seems she wants to make me feel uncomfortable.  We are not on speaking terms because I informed her it was none of her business.  The nerve of these women!  The last time I had to inform my OWN parents of my whereabouts, I lived in their home!  I swear, MIL's think the wife is supposed to accommodate their every wish!  I'm fed up too!!
 1/10
RESPONSE:  MIL Far Up In La-La Land
I totally feel for you.  My MIL is the same way.  I totally agree with everything you said, except for the part of the bath. When you open your home to someone, it is assumed they are going to shower, yes, but taking a bath is not any different as far as asking permission. I do feel however, it is courteous to ask if anyone has to use the bathroom before a bath OR shower. If you plan on being with your husband for eternity, you are going to have to make the best of it. Take the times you are without your mother in law to gain perspective on the problems you already know you will face the next time you see her.
 1/11
The X-Mas issue at our house is still going on.  On X-Mas Eve, my SIL came to our house & proceeded to repeat all sorts of stuff the outlaws said about us, prefacing every comment with, "Well, mom/dad said, 'Don't tell H&W,' BUT ..."  H & I told her at least 3 times each that if it was confided to her & we weren't going to like what she was going to say, then don't tell us.  So, take 3 guesses what she did, & the first 2 don't count.  I told her, "Enough -- you're really tickin' me off," but it continued.  Besides, the stuff we were told was already common knowledge to us. (We play that "Read Between the Lines" game way better than they think.)  A comment was made about our financial situation, which is none of SIL's business.  So, right in front of SIL, I told H to give me the phone & that I was going to call MIL & ask that any comments /questions of that nature be directed to us, & that they're not up for discussion with third parties.  SIL about blew a fuse, "No!  No!  Then they're gonna say 'SIL & her big mouth.'"  I told her that she shouldn't have repeated it then.  So she went back over to MIL/FIL's in a huff, & my husband said that, after the weekend, he would go over there & discuss this with them.  You see, SIL had a little accident over the summer, & she's supposedly is so incapacitated that she can't work, so she's "on the payroll" for about $2000 a month to cover all her bills.  But she's well enough to dump my disabled nephew on just about anyone she can manipulate to do whatever she wants on the weekends.  She has been recruited by MIL to find out exactly what we do, what we spend, etc.  This crap she's pulling only started a couple of weeks ago.  I guess this is how the "loan" is to be repaid?!?

So, that Sunday evening comes & H goes over there & tells them not to tell SIL anything, because she comes right over our way & repeats it, & that we're sick & tired of hearing all these comments.  My MIL (FIL loads the gun, she shoots it) went reeling.  "What did she say?  We didn't say anything!  You know how hateful she is towards us.  She'll say anything to make us look bad, etc., etc." (Which is a big smelly load of it.)  All H told her was that it didn't matter what was said, that it was already common knowledge to us, & frankly, we're sorry they feel that way.  They interrogated him the whole time he was there & H didn't budge.  All he kept saying was, "Doesn't matter, we already knew all of it, just say it to us next time.  Don't say anything to SIL.  She's not welcome in our house if that's what we're going to have to put up with."

So, the other day (what this is now almost 3 weeks after X-Mas?), MIL calls to invite us to have cake for my BIL's birthday (a sweet man), and mentions, in this roundabout kind of way, "So, what exactly was SIL telling y'all on X-Mas Eve?"  I told her the exact same thing that H said, & it sent her reeling.  "Please!  Tell me!  We didn't say a word about you to her!  She's so hateful to us, blah, blah."  I kept telling her the same thing over & over.  Then, she told me things about SIL's financial situation/money from them, how she treats nephew, etc.  I made her extremely uncomfortable when I said, "I really don't want to know all this.  Shouldn't you discuss this with her?  I mean, I'd be upset if someone was discussing OUR financial situation with someone else besides us," in my little sing-song "I caught you red-handed" voice.  It was so funny, & she caught on to my tone of voice right away & starting interrogating me once again about what SIL said.

So, everyone, tell me -- do YOU think that after 3 weeks, H & I would still be interrogated about this constantly if we were dealing with "innocent" people here?  I didn't think so.
 1/9
        signed - The Verdict Is In--GUILTY!!!
As most of us know, the rehearsal dinner is the responsibility of the groom's parents.  So my MIL planned the rehearsal dinner as per her part in the wedding.  What I didn't realize until the actual event, is that part of her planning included sitting DH and I as far from each other as the physical space in the restaurant allowed.  Because of this, we weren't able to enjoy this event together.  It was her opinion that this dinner was a last chance for her to bond with her darling son and possibly talk him out of it.
 1/6
        signed - Rehearsal Dinner Separation

RESPONSE:  rehearsal dinner separation
I can't believe you sat apart.  I thought my MIL was bad.  My MIL tried to go behind my back and plan things for the wedding.  e.g. She wanted to play this video that she made at the reception.  We told her that we wanted it to be played at the rehearsal dinner, and she tried calling the hotel, at which we were having our reception, every day for the last month before we were to get married.  They told her no every time, and she kept calling.  The hotel finally called my mom a few days before the wedding to ask what to do with her.  Needless to say, my mom didn't tell me this due to the other things she had tried to do.  But, that's a whole other book!  My advice to you is to let the wedding go on, ignore her, and after the honeymoon get your husband to set things straight.  In a new relationship, if you say anything, it could only bring down his whole family.  If your husband says anything, it can be corrected and blown over a lot easier, and faster!  My MIL is now on anti-depressants, among other things, and life is a little easier.
 1/8
RESPONSE:  rehearsal dinner separation
MY Response:  Don't let this be a pattern.  If I were you, I would have gotten up very deliberately, and dragged my chair over next to him.  Anyway, too late for that.  Be strong.  Don't let her come between you two again.  For our rehearsal dinner, my Dh and I requested the restaurant I used to work at (very nice Italian place).  My parents took IL's there so they could see it, treated them to dinner, and all my MIL could do was bad mouth it ... "It's took dark, I can't eat red sauces ..."  1. She chose an even darker place,  2. she eats red sauces at home, like on pizza and lasagna, even spaghetti,  3. She knows I'm allergic to onions, and that I don't eat meat - guess what was on the menu ...  NOT to mention that this place was a glorified fast food restaurant.  So much for memorable (in a good way) rehearsals.  Hope the wedding went well.
 1/10
Note:   This story moved here from 6/3/00 archives due to recent receipt of a response.

My husband is an only child that was raised by a single mother.  Therefore, he feels obligated to her.  We have been married for 20 years, and she has only gotten worse.  When we first got married, we were both working and going to college at night.  My MIL got on my case because I was spending too much money for groceries.  Because of my busy schedule, I had the nerve to buy boneless chicken rather than buying whole chickens and cutting them up and de-boning them myself.  Later, when I was pregnant with my son, she got mad at me because we waited for three months before we told anyone that I was pregnant.  She actually told me she "hated" me for not telling her immediately.  I tried to explain that I was a private person, and my husband and I had decided to keep it quite until we knew that everything was okay and I would make it through the entire pregnancy.  When we did tell her, we were going to his cousin's wedding, and she was running around telling everybody at the reception.  I was so embarrassed, and I apologized to the bride, because that was her day, but my MIL had to be in the limelight because she was going to be a "Grandma".

When we bought our home, after nine months of marriage, she proceeded to tell me how I should decorate and what plants I should put around the house.  In fact, she actually came over while we were at work and planted shrubs and flowers without even asking me if I wanted them or even liked what she was going to plant.  She was over every weekend without telling us, and would just walk in.  She wouldn't even ring the doorbell.  One weekend, she almost walked in on us in the "act".  We learned that we had to make sure that we locked the doors.

Our biggest mistake was when my husband gave his mother the key to our house when we were going on vacation.  We were going to North Carolina, and there had been a lot of heavy lightning storms in our area and houses that had been hit, so he gave it to her for emergency purposes.  Well, she put it on her key chain and it hasn't come off since, and that was about six years ago.  She comes into the house when we are not home, puts things into the freezer without asking if I really want it or use it.  She also, obviously snoops in my bedroom, because she has mentioned to my mother that I was throwing away perfectly good clothing.  Actually, I was bagging up clothing that no longer fit, to give to Goodwill, but she could only know about it if she was in my bedroom, because that's where the bags were located.

This woman complains about the community service that I do, saying that I should be staying home and taking care of my housework instead of running around working with the Boys Scouts and the local High School Marching Band.  Organizations, I might add, to which my son belongs.  My MIL is even silly enough to complain, about the way I run around and don't take care of my house, to my own mother.  Is she that stupid to think that my mother doesn't speak to me and tell me what she says?

I'm at my wits end.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I know she is my husband's mother, but as the years go by she is just causing more problems.  I've gotten to the point that I've told my husband to remember which one of us it is that he lives with.  I don't want my marriage to be ruined by a selfish woman that has nothing better to do with her time.  We're fine when she's not in the picture, but as soon as she gets involved in anything, all heck breaks loose.
6/3
        signed - MIL Lives Where?

RESPONSE:  response - mother in law lives where?
Change your locks without telling her.  Next time she tries walking in when you're not there she'll get an (un)pleasant surprise.  This is the first thing I made my husband do when his mother moved out (his sister and brother in law also had keys to the house, and spent most of their time there).  And, although they do drop in unannounced from time to time when you least want them to, at least I can ignore the doorbell if I want to (I tried that recently and it felt great, I can tell you).

RESPONSE:  To MIL Lives Where?:
If you don't already have deadbolt locks on all doors, install them.  If anyone asks, tell them that it's for security reasons.  While you're having the deadbolt's installed, have the lock cores changed out to match the key for the deadbolt.  Again, the excuse will be for security & to have matching locks for simplicity.  Don't tell the hubby why you're doing it.  Stick with the same excuse for everyone.  Don't even tell your mom.  When the MIL decides to "drop by" and her key doesn't fit, then she will be forced to either admit that she was going into your home without you knowing it, or she will just have to keep the subject to herself.  If she mentions anything about it, maybe then would be a good time to talk about when you think it's appropriate for her to come over.
Good luck.

RESPONSE:  Response to "MIL lives Where?:"
I felt so badly for you when I read your story.  Your MIL is even worse than mine.  I agree with the responses that encourage you to change your locks, especially the one suggesting a dead-bolt for "security reasons".  But, the thing that keeps running through my mind is, where does your hubby stand in all of this?  Do you tell him that his mother is snooping and intrusive?  Does he think it's acceptable for her to plant on your property without your consent, or to walk into your house unannounced?  You deserve to have his active support in dealing with his mother, who sounds like someone who would be very hard to get through to.  I realize that, as such an obviously controlling woman, she probably has had your husband practically mute since his childhood, where she's concerned.  But he's an adult now, and he has a responsibility to you, as your husband, to deal with this situation, and to help you get the privacy you require.  That is NOT too much to ask!

RESPONSE:  Response to "Mother-in-law lives where?"
I agree!  Change the locks.  That's what I did.  My MIL had a key made for herself when she helped my DH select his house while we were dating.  We had been dating for two years, but apparently my input was not needed - I never even saw the outside of the house until he purchased it (some people might question why I married this mommy's boy - me too, if only I knew then what I know now!  All I can say in my defense is that I was naive and really in love).  She would stop by while my DH was at work and store things in his basement (if they were too heavy for her to carry downstairs, she would leave them in the hall for him to carry down when he got home).  At first he objected to her having a key and storing things in his house (she lied and said that she didn't have a key, but, of course, he knew she was lying), so he never asked her to give it to him or called her on it.  I guess that she thought of it as her home as well, since she, in her own words, "picked it out for him."  After we were married, she would come over while were both at work and go through my closet, put up shelves in my closet, put up weather stripping on our doors, paint the doors to our bedroom and bathroom (never asking whether it was O.K. or even if I liked the color), and God only knows what else.  She knew where things were better than I did!  And all the while, my DH didn't think any of this was wrong or unusual behavior.  After three years, I changed the locks myself, telling my DH that the knobs were loose, about to break, and needed to be replaced.  She's never mentioned that the locks were changed.  She would also come over and plant things in our yard, put landscaping material on the plants that I had already planted, purchase fixtures for the house, etc.  I would pull up every plant and all of the landscaping material and somehow the fixtures would mysteriously get broken or lost.  She quit after six years, and boy, did I get some satisfaction from pulling up those plants!!!  She's never asked where the plants went either, but I'm sure she has some ideas.  It's all very passive-aggressive -- if you don't see her do it, then it's O.K.  Anyway, the only advice I can give you, since it seems as if your DH (like mine) doesn't see anything wrong with this and won't stand up for you, is to fight a subtle fight.  If she plants a plant, pull it up (you didn't remember planting that plant and thought it was a weed, or you're trying a different style of landscaping and didn't want that plant there), don't be overtly aggressive or ugly to her, just quietly undo what she does, and for God's sake and your own sanity, CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!  Good luck to you!  Hope this helps!
 1/5
RESPONSE:  MIL lives where?
Change the locks on your door to prevent unauthorized entries.
 1/10
Note:  This story moved here from 12/16/00 archive due to recent receipt of a response.

My story is a little different.  See, it's not what my mother in law does to me, it is what she does to her own daughter.  I honestly don't think this woman loves her daughter.  So my problem is that I want to tell her that I think she is a disgusting individual.  Of course my wife won't let me, but then I think to myself, this is my wife we are talking about here.  The woman I love.  And I don't want anyone, especially her own mother, to treat her the way she is being treated.
 12/5
         Signed - No One Should Treat Her This Way


RESPONSE:  no one should treat her this way
I'm glad you didn't get to tell your MIL about your opinion of her treatment of her own daughter.  That's really something the two of them have to work out by themselves.  Just continue to support her and be her "Rock".  She really is lucky to have a husband that cares and loves her like you do.  Keep up the good work!
 12/8
RESPONSE:  no one should treat her this way
I know exactly what you mean.  My DH was treated horribly by his mother and brother before we bought a house and got married.  My family adores him, and he sees now what a real family should be like.  They are jealous of the fact that we have a good relationship, and my H is the only one in his whole family to own his own home.  They try to tell him that he thinks he's better than everyone else now.  As a result, we have limited contact with his family, and I made it clear that I will exercise my right (now that we're married) to open my mouth if they say something to try to hurt him.  It all boils down to the fact that your wife's parents are probably jealous of your relationship, seeing that it's strong (I hope).  And that they can't have something that good.  My advice to you is to handle your wife gently, let her know how much you love her and want to protect her.  My MIL tried to tell my H I am trying to control him, turn him against his family, etc.  I told him I am NOT, that after all the years of seeing how awful they were to him, and putting him down for trying to make a good life for himself, and having to keep my mouth shut, I've had enough.  I told him I don't care if they think I'm trying to control him, what I am doing is being protective of him.  Since we have our own home now, they can't hurt him anymore, and I won't let them.  I feel that, as his wife, this is my responsibility to him, as is his to protect me, also.  And he told me (crying a little) that he knows this, and knows I would never intentionally try to turn him against his family.  Things have been wonderful ever since.  We have never come right out and told MIL any of this.  She would accuse me of brainwashing him.  All we are doing is showing them that we are a united front, and nothing they can do is going to change that, and they backed off.  Let them say anything they want.  We also just got Caller ID!!  It really helps!!  LOL.  Best of luck to you!!
 1/8
RESPONSE:  They Shouldn't Treat Her This Way
My H is not treated the best by his parents, either.  He is an excellent mechanic who can walk into any shop & turn it into a gold mine.  However, when he needs to borrow a tool for a job at home that he may have left at work, my FIL has the audacity to talk behind his back to SIL about how he has, "no respect for tools," and "he's ruining my tools when he borrows them."  My H returns everything to FIL in better condition than he receives them.  Also, if he has no respect for tools, then how has he managed to maintain $20,000 worth of tools for over 15 years?  I'd like to hear that explanation if FIL's claims are true.  My H will offer to save his dad some money on car repairs, but my FIL is convinced that H won't do it right, etc.  Also, H received a chainsaw for X-Mas & the ranting & raving about how he supposedly ruined my FIL's chainsaw is still going on & on & on.  Well, FIL, here's what I say to you -- IF IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL, KEEP THE NEW CHAINSAW & GIVE HIM YOUR "RUINED" ONE!!  END OF DISCUSSION!!!!!
 1/10
Before I married my husband, I got along so well with my MIL.  I always thought I was so lucky because of all the nightmare stories I have heard about MIL's.  Well, during the wedding plans, my mil liked to put her nose in everything, constantly comparing me with the ex-wife.  Last spring, I had a major blow-out with my SIL (who is married to the "drama" son.  Well, since then, we have not spoken, and the MIL takes their side, because "drama" son loves to be theatrical with stories and makes himself the victim.  On, Father's Day, my husband , stepdaughter, and I brought all the food over to my other BIL's house (the nice BIL) for a BBQ.  The "drama" and his wife totally ignored us, did not help with anything, and kept their son away from us.  This was the beginning of the MIL hell!  My MIL also ignored us until the "dramas" left.  Then she was all buddy-buddy.  How two-faced!  That is only 1 of the many similar situations.  My Sd's 8th birthday party, "dramas" never showed up, called or even sent my sd a card!!  But ... my MIL and FIL left the party after 2 hours, just as I had sent my other BIL to pick up the food.  When I asked where they were going, she said, "Well, we have dinner plans with (the drama's)."  I lost it!!!  I told her I was disgusted with her that she didn't have the decency to tell us.  She knew for 1 month when the party was, and I could have changed it.  Also, my sd kept asking ME if the drama's were coming (the whole time my MIL had a smirk on her face but never spoke up).  My sd cried cuz they left so early, and asked ME why they didn't want to be at her party.  Of course, being the adult, I NEVER say a bad word to her about my MIL or her own mother either (instead, I stick up for both the witches - why do I bother?).

The whole summer went by without 1 phone call or visit from MIL.  My sd finally mentioned it in late August.  I told her to call her.  She did, and MIL &FIL picked up my sd to take her to lunch.  They came back with her 8 hrs later with only, "We had so much fun."  HOW DISRESPECTFUL.  I was a nervous wreck!  A simple phone call would have been nice.  The beginning of November, my FIL called our house for a "family meeting".  I told my husband that I refused to go to their house because they have over 30 cats, and 2 dogs, and the smell is HORRENDOUS!  So, we met at the nice BIL's house.  "Drama's" didn't show up!  They were the start of this whole thing since spring!  MIL said that drama son was way too upset, and she has been counseling him for hrs. on end, and she is distraught at how he has not gotten over this.  (WHATEVER)  So, it was a pointless 5 hour conversation.  Same crap over and over again, and the dramas were not there for their side of story.  Nice BIL & his fiancée totally stuck up for my husband and me!  At one point, I made a comment that was the opinion of Me, H, BIL & F.  My MIL SCREAMED, "I don't really care about YOUR opinion!"  My H stood up and said, "We're out of here.  No one speaks to my wife that way."  (It was the first time my H ever stuck up for me to his mother.  I was in SHOCK!!)  MIL was crying because of how her son spoke to me, and of course it was MY FAULT that I turned him against her.  The whole rest of the conversation was MIL sticking up for the drama's because SIL didn't mean to do what she did to me in the spring.  It's just that her sugar was up that day, and her emotions, and, "The reason she can't apologize to you in the last 9 months is because she is stubborn."  HELLOOOOO!  What the ****????  There is no use.  To top things off, MIL has rekindled a relationship with ex-wife.  (I cant even go into to that one right now.)

Christmas was a nightmare.  We had breakfast at nice BIL's and MIL & FIL went to drama's later.  MIL has called my h to talk a few times, for him to just forget what happened with his brother.  H refuses.  He is sick of these games that have been played for the last 30 years (even with his last marriage).  For some reason, MIL always sides with drama, rather than her other 2 sons.  Not that she should side at all, but how can she just not see all the lies?  Is it because drama has inherited from her?  I've caught her in so many lies, but now I keep my mouth shut.  To show her dislike for me on xmas, she gave me a little bag of junk, not even wrapped, and BIL's fiancée sitting right next to me got mounds of $$$.  I did not let it be known that I noticed.  Xmas should be geared toward my sd and children, and gifts from the heart in my book.  I do not want these people in my life.  There is too much negative in the world today.  How can I grow my strength to not let all this bother me?  I always went out of my way because of sd.  Now that my MIL calls her at her mom's and sees her over there, I don't need to try anymore.  But it's hard to let this stop bothering me.  I'm a good person.  No one deserves to be treated like dirt.  Please help!!!  I need advice thanks
 1/6
        signed - MIL Is Obsessed With Her Dramatic Son

RESPONSE:  MIL Is Obsessed With Her Dramatic Son
Stay away from her.  Stay away from the drama's too.  Clearly put a huge (!) distance between yourself and them.  If your H is with you on this, then it will be easy.  My H isn't quite at that place yet, probably out of guilt from some sick childhood thing with them, they do that to their kids from day ONE.  It takes the rest of their lives to figure it out, unfortunately.  Anyway, just stay the heck away from them ... NO contact.  Be honest with your daughter to some degree.  No need for specifics, just explain that they don't have the same morals and values, nor do they respect you or her father, so you choose to not associate with them.  Good luck!!
 1/9
RESPONSE:  MIL Is Obsessed With Her Dramatic Son
You have just about done all you can regarding this person.  I am a Born Again Christian and the Bible states that when someone offends you, you are to speak to them about it.  If they do it again, you are to take 2 people with you to talk about it with them.  If that doesn't work, you are to forgive, but (especially if you are a Christian) they are a stumbling block to you and you need to avoid stumbling blocks.  Be civil to her, but don't go out of your way to please her.  I have a similar MIL.  Just don't have the Drama BIL.  I say, just be the bigger person and be nice, but don't do anything over and above the call of "duty" as a daughter in law.  Please update us on how things are going.
1/9
My husband and I have been married for five years and have two wonderful children.  I love him with all my heart, but I don't think he loves me anymore.  Here are a few of the reasons: My mother died  February of last year.  They did not get along, and now when we fight he says really cruel things about her just to hurt me.  Needless to say, it works.  We never talk anymore unless we are fighting.  He always tells me to leave.  I really don't have anywhere to go.  He says that I am a bad mom, and that I don't deserve my kids, knowing they are all I care about.  Can someone please give me some advice.
 1/4
        signed - Don't Know What To Do - He Says Cruel Things

RESPONSE:  Don't Know What To Do - He Says Cruel Things
I'm so sorry ... A man like that doesn't deserve a wife, much less two kids.  I know it's hard, but you need to get out, as soon as you can.  Call a lawyer, and find out the laws in your state, but it sounds like you've got an excellent case for emotional and mental abuse.  Regardless, you do NOT want your children growing up around a man like this.  Check with your lawyer.  You may well be able to have HIM removed from where you're currently living, so you won't have to worry about a place to go.  It's a long and difficult road, but a good lawyer is your first step.  Many of them offer free initial consultations, and will work with you.  Best of luck to you!
 1/5
RESPONSE:  Don't Know What To Do - He Says Cruel Things
Call legal aid - the number is in the phone book.  Have him removed from the house and make him support you and your children financially.  He's sick, and the longer you are with him, the sicker you will get too.  If you don't already have a job, get one.  The best revenge is to be independent and happy.  You can do it, for your children's' sake.
 1/5
RESPONSE:  Don't know what to do, he says cruel things.
Only one thing to do.  LEAVE HIM.
 1/5
RESPONSE From Poster:  Don't know what to do
I just want to thank everyone for their advice.  I know I should leave him, but for some reason it's so hard.  My kids love him so much, and he is a good dad, just not a good husband.  He was not always like this.  When we first got together, you could not have asked for a better person.  I guess we have both changed and grown apart.
 1/8
RESPONSE:  Don't know what to do
Speaking from a child's perspective, (One who watched her mother be abused by her father), it's better to have no father than to have to sit and watch him hate and abuse your mother.  It did nothing to teach me that as a woman, as a human, that I deserved to take care of myself and have decent treatment by others.  It's been said that, "the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother".  So I would imagine that the worst thing he could do for them is to not love their mother.  Think long and hard about this, because how you treat yourself today is what you will teach your children as to how they will treat themselves tomorrow.
1/9
My story has to do with a grandmother in law.  My husband and I have been married for a year and a half.  My husband's parents were married and divorced two different times.  Eventually, he called his grandmother when he was 17 and asked to go live with her.  He lived with her, along with his dad (his dad never moved out) for twelve years.  This is when I met him.  We only dated for about a month, and then we were engaged for two, and boom, we were married.  I made some mistakes with "grandma" from the beginning.  Such as her finding a condom in her apartment.  However, she has taken everything so dramatically.  My husband thinks that if she had never found the condom she would not treat me the way she does.  But I don't think this is true.  Basically, my husband and my father in law were always at her beck and call.  Especially my husband.  She is a very controlling woman who thinks that she comes first.  She tells my husband things like, he needs to take more control of the marriage, and he shouldn't spend so much money on me for Christmas.  She is always telling us how to spend our money, etc.  She continuously rolls her eyes at me and gives me dirty looks.  My problem is, she always bad mouths me to my husband.  This puts my husband in a bad position because she has been like a mother to him.  She was the only one that did not walk out on him.  But I still feel that he shouldn't make excuses for her.  I realize that she is in her mid 80's, but that doesn't give her the right to treat me this way.  My husband wants to defend me, but also wants to protect her.  Sometimes, however, I feel that he tries to protect her more.  If I try to defend myself, he will say things like, "Don't talk to her that way, in front of her."  Any advice?  I know that, eventually, she will come between our marriage.  Please respond.
 12/26
        signed - Eventually She Will Come Between Us

RESPONSE:  Eventually she'll come between us
My advice is to hang in there and put some emotional distance between you and granny.  If you just hang in there, it's only a matter of time before granny croaks - she's in her 80's, right?  Hopefully she's not in good health ...
 12/27
RESPONSE:  Eventually she'll come between us
Ask your husband if he remembers who he is married to - you or her?  Then tell him to grow up and cut the apron strings already or find himself another doormat.  Yes, you are being a doormat by letting this behavior continue, and yes, she would've treated you the same whether she found the condom or not.
 12/29
RESPONSE:  Eventually She Will Come Between Us
This is the problem when kids get married.  You married a boy, not a man.  Neither of you are mature enough for a lasting relationship.  You should have spent more time dating and getting to know this boy you married.  Leave now!!  Stop having Sex!!  Don't have kids yet!!!  Take a few years to grow up and mature in your own thoughts.  There are enough divorced mothers out there already.
 1/5
RESPONSE From Poster:  Eventually She Will Come Between Us
I am the woman who wrote in about the grandmother in law.  My husband lived with his grandmother for twelve years, etc.  I just wanted to add that, as much as his grandma drives me nuts, I love him dearly, and I have no regrets about marrying him so soon, because, no matter how many years we dated, nothing would have prevented the way his grandma treats me.  She would dislike anyone who took her "little boy" away.  Putting the grandma problem aside, we have a strong enough marriage to get through this, because we truly love each other.  It will take a lot more that some miserable, pathetic, ignorant 86 year old woman to split us up.
1/8
Well, the MIL said NO GIFTS this year, and I can quote her saying, "I MEAN IT!"  So, what do I do, since last year I got gifts for them, and got my head chewed off for it?  I didn't get any gifts.  Then, I looked like a fool when she passed presents out to the adults, and got gifts from my girls to give to me.  My SIL got Mom and Dad a gift certificate to a nice restaurant.  Christmas can really bring out the worst in people.  I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.  I'm just the "outlaw", since unfortunately I am the only relative not blood related.
 12/27
        signed - Never Believe The "No Present" Rule!

RESPONSE:  Never Believe the "No Present" Rule
Next year, buy your in-laws some gift certificates, & only give them out when & if she has gifts for you.  That way, you're prepared either way, & she can't complain that you didn't follow her rules if she didn't.
 1/8
What can I say about my MIL?  She is cunning, to say the least.  You see, she has a yardstick that she measures everyone with, except herself, of course.  And, believe me, no one meets the criteria.  She has a Masters in Psychology, and knows how to manipulate with the best of them.  I can't even come close to thinking the way she does.  Every word is chosen very carefully, artfully in fact.  For example, when I went to their house last with my son, she said about him, "Oh, another new outfit," the key word being "another", saying that I spend too much of her son's money.  I only wish I was quick enough to come back with a response that would put her in her place.  But I'm not like she is, thank goodness.  It is very hard to explain how she operates, she is so sly most of the time.  This New Year's she finally made a mistake.  She hates my sister (and me) because we don't conform to her expectations.  She invited herself over for New Year's Day, and gave us the "silent treatment", playing the martyr role to the hilt.  My husband even noticed she was "not herself", which surprised me.  Mostly, her crafty statements go by, without him even blinking an eye.  She barely even talked with me or my sister, and pouted all evening, left early, etc. (thankfully).  I finally think, by showing her true colors, that her son and daughter know that she judges people against her own yardstick, while claiming to be a Christian.  Most of the stories I read about MILs describe the MILs as being straightforward but nasty.  My MIL beats around the bush in such a way that you don't know what hit you until you're down on the ground.  Be grateful that your MIL is at least upfront, even if she is a b*tch.
 1/3
        signed - Be Grateful MIL IS UPFRONT

RESPONSE:  Be grateful MIL is upfront
I know exactly what you mean.  My MIL is also a Christian and thinks that anyone who is not is a waste of space.  She is incredibly selfish and also judges people all the time, but if someone is Christian then she is full of praises for them.

Once, she called me up asking if she could bring some pastor friend of hers to bless the house and all of us in it, and obviously if I had said no there would have been major problems.  So she comes over and this pastor says that she wants 5 minutes with me alone, and tells me that she is going to pray over me and then I will be born again.  What a load of crap.  I was so insulted to think my MIL was trying to change me again.  I would much rather not be a Christian if that is what they are like ... selfish and two faced.
 1/6
RESPONSE:  Be grateful MIL is upfront
Sounds like your mil has passive aggressive tendencies.  How convenient that she majored in psychology.  Have her explain to you the passive aggressive disorder, and see if a light bulb goes off in her head while she's explaining it to you - "Hey ... wait a minute.  That sounds like ME!"
 1/7
One week before my husband and I got married, my future MIL called up my mother to complain that I hadn't told her anything about the wedding, and demanded that my mother tell her all the details.  The thing is that, the day before she called and upset my mother, my fiancé and I had taken her to lunch to discuss the wedding.  And instead of taking that opportunity to talk about all the plans and little details, she completely ignored my presence at the table, and instead spent the entire time talking to my fiancé about her financial situation (she'd just been fired from another job).  Then, the next day, she called and complained to my mother that I was refusing to talk to her about the wedding planning, and she didn't feel that I was taking enough responsibility in the wedding to be a wife to her son.
 1/6
        signed - Frustrated and Bitter
The Story of My Mother In Law:  A Good Movie Idea:
If you do publish it change the names for my protection, seriously ...
(Editor's note:  rest assured - we always do)

I am so much your average chick.  Not a goody goody, not a bad girl.  I was very involved in high school, lots of friends, went on to college "to make something of myself".  I never meant that phrase in a condescending way.  I don't believe that if you don't have a college education that you are nobody.  I have to get that point across.  You have to understand, so that if you (the person reading this) didn't attend college - you don't take offense.  "College is for some people and it's not for others ... That's not how I judge people."  Remember I said that.  I'm sorry, I should delete that whole last paragraph, because it's just me being scared of offending you or saying anything wrong.  I need to get to the story.  That's why you're reading.  I need you all to know that I didn't used to be like this.  If I thought it - I said it, and I never worried if anyone was mad or sad or anything.  I was a strong, confident person.  I'm beginning to get myself back.  I haven't seen her in a few months.  I only take steps back when she finds a way to get to me.  She called in mid December.  She screamed at me and told me to give the phone to her son.  I think she said, "You give the phone to my son!"  There were a few other words, but I'm sure you have all heard them before and can just imagine.  My husband took the phone and hung up on her.  She called over and over and over.  I could hear the phone ring from the bathroom.  I was on the cold ass floor rubbing my feet on the tile 'til the soles burned.  My soul burned.  My throat did too.  I have attacks when she calls.  My doctor says that they are anxiety attacks.  I call them panic attacks, because anxiety has the same prefix as anxious, and I'm never anxious for her to come around or call.  My attacks are pretty bad.  I can't breathe, and I vomit.  I rock back and forth and rub my hands and feet on anything I can.  I swear, if you saw me you'd think I was a nut.  I'm embarrassed to tell you all this, but it's important that you know so that you can understand how bad things are.  My husband tries to comfort me, but he can't.  It just hurts him to see me like that, and he cries.  Understand, my husband is not someone who cries often.  He cries with love and hurt and understanding.  I don't understand how someone so perfect could have come from her.  The stork dropped the wrong baby off at that house.  I know that must be what happened.  It's a bird.  Birds make mistakes.  After all, it's not human.  Speaking of not human, I'll get back to the woman who has ripped my heart right out.  That's the most recent attack, and maybe it'll be the last before we're able to move farther away.  It ended with my husband unplugging the phone and changing the number the next day.  The $40 is worth it.

I guess now I'll start from the very beginning.  Back when my husband didn't understand. (This is where you stop hearing my voice as the narrator in the movie and start seeing the actual events. - It's the same in all the made for TV movies.)

I met my DH in 1997.  From the day we met, I loved him.  I started my new job with a radio station about thirty minutes from the college I attended, and he was a weekend jock.  That voice drives me crazy to this day.  I'm his biggest fan and critic. (He's not a dorky DJ type.  I know he's going places.  He's good, and such a cutie!)  I'm telling you that so you don't imagine a nerdy D.J. type guy.  Anyway, back to the dealio.  We met, and he was still dating the girl I think his mother wanted him to marry.  I am the evil b that stole him from her, and his own mother, eventually.  See?  There.  And you were beginning to think that I was in denial.  Nope, I admit it - I stole him away from both of them - with hate and deception and all the darkness that I, and demons like me, lurk in.  Please.  Get real.  But the funny thing is, I honestly think that that is exactly how she regards me.  He broke it off with his X.  We began dating, and the torture began the first time I met her.  It wasn't really that bad.  I kind of just blew the snide comments off.  And my husband (boyfriend then, of course) thought that I was just taking things the wrong way when I finally started mentioning to him that I was taking offense to some of her utterings.  He way did not understand.  I decided that I would start poking him whenever she said mean things to me, and that's when I noticed a pattern that I hadn't noticed before.  I noticed that she only said hateful things when I was alone with her.  I would be washing dishes (at her house - for her) and she would walk up and make mention of how she and my husband's ex used to share that duty.  She'd say something like "Sweet (ex) washed, and I dried.  We made a good team.  She and DH made a good team.  I thought they would get married.  I guess that's what sons do; break mother's hearts."  Then, as she would walk into hearing distance of her husband and DH, she would end with something that didn't sound so bad, but hurt if you knew what she said before.  She ended with "I thought I might help you, but you're doing so well alone that I think I'd rather you be alone."  That's real cute, I'd think, and I'd finish and tell my husband (b'friend then) later.  He would say that I misunderstood her, and that I was acting silly.  He would say that he personally heard her compliment me on doing them, and that that was her way of thanking me.  He only heard what she wanted him to hear, so of course he thought that I was being ridiculous.  I can remember a ton of instances like that, but you can just imagine, and there's way more to the story, so I'll go on.

The first time she crossed the line and did something hurtful that my husband (b'friend then) kind of understood was wrong was on Christmas of 1998.  DH and I had been together for a year and about 3 months.  For Christmas she gave him a photo album of pictures that she had not given him before.  Okay, now understand that my husband graduated high school in May of 1996, and went to his last Prom in March of 1996, so it had been 2 years and 9 months since his prom and 2 years and 7 months since graduation.  Are you following me?  Can you now guess what pictures she put in this photo album that he opened Christmas morning?  No, it wasn't pictures of important times in his life.  It was every picture she could find of her son and his ex, and on top of the pictures she made comments - many many comments, to his whole family about how she remembered those times, and cherished those times, because of (not her son, but) his ex.  She sat and talked about how beautiful his ex was, and how she and his ex had done this and that to prepare for whatever.  She even made comments about how she wished that his ex could be there now.  My husband started to understand that day.  He had been thinking about proposing, but his mother had been hindering it.  I don't think she ever understood that the picture thing opened his eyes and made him start watching her more closely.  He didn't quite value her opinion on his engagement any longer, and he proposed in February of 1999. (Not Valentine's Day because that makes me have to put two into one, but after so in his words, "We can have a longer time to celebrate Valentine's every year.")  Ladies, you don't understand what a doll he is.  Back to the story.  She didn't take the engagement well.  She cried.  And, looking back, she was crying upset not out of love.  You don't understand the pure ice this woman's heart is made of.  The chill in the room could have, well, I don't know, topped that of the icy waters that the Titanic was gliding across.  She got mad, and threw a fit, but blamed it on the fact that we had told my parents, and gone out to dinner with them to celebrate first.  Maybe we should have told them all together, but I didn't want my parents to see the way she treated me.  I was ashamed and embarrassed that someone hated me.  I was always well-liked, and I didn't know it hurt me, even though I dealt with it by brushing it off or being angry and hateful about her.  I never let my parents know anything she did until I had to.  So, there - that's why I didn't want to tell them all at once.  It's a good enough reason for me, and she would have found something to explain her bad behavior anyway.  I moved closer to my husband (fiancé then) while we were engaged.  It was 30 minutes away from college, but in the same town as him and work.  We both still worked together.  He and I were both promoted by that time.  We were so happy, but his mother wasn't.  Why would she be?  Her son was engaged to the Devil's Daughter, or so it seemed.  I lived in an apartment, so I couldn't have a pet, but my husband (fiancé then) and I decided we wanted a puppy badly.  He still lived at home because it only made sense.  I guess he could have lived with me, because I lived by myself, but my parents wouldn't have liked it too much. (Southern Baptist Family).  I'm not dogging them or the principle.  I followed through with it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think people who live together before marriage are necessarily living in sin, but I just didn't think I could handle the temptation.  Anyways, back to the puppy.  He talked to his Dad, and we were about to get it.  We got a Golden Retriever puppy and bought a nice fence.  We put up the fence and Puppy lived there and was well taken care of.  Well, Puppy got what MIL felt was too big for her pen, and started climbing over it.  She never left the yard, and by the way the yard is off in the country and 100 or so feet from the road in the front, and land land land in the back.  Do you get where I'm going with this?  She wasn't hurting anyone.  Well, except DH's mother because she needed a reason to b*tch and to get rid of something I loved.  It's August of 99 and my husband and I were at my parent's house.  We get halfway back home and his Mom pages him with, "Your dog is gone."  He calls his younger sister (the one we get along with because she has issues with her mother) and she's crying saying Mom left with Puppy.  She gets back to the house and tells her daughter that she took Puppy to my house and left her.  (The middle of the city.)  So, we are searching for our dog.  I mean 'til about 4 in the morning ,and we went to my house.  My husband did not go home - he slept in my bed.  I swear on everything - nothing happened.  But since the night he didn't go home, I'm a whore.  She neglects to remember how she dumped my dog and we were up 'til sunrise looking for her, or that maybe her son was a little too mad to come home.  Nope.  It's me "the slut" who seduced him.  By now, you're understanding that she might have some issues she needs to work through with a psychiatrist.  Well, you haven't even heard the wedding and what caused me to finally confide in my parents and get taken to the doctor for depression.

The Wedding:
We decided on a date for our wedding in early 2000.  Of course, I am going to plan my wedding with my mother.  #1 Because my mother and I are best friends and, #2 Because she and my Dad are footing the bill.  It just made sense - I thought.  I guess I was wrong.  But I was under the impression that a wedding was the bride's day.  When we told his parents the date of the wedding, his Dad was happy, but his mother found every reason in the world not to be.  She complained because we set the date without consulting her, but at my parent's house. (The reason we set the date at my parent's house was because we had to meet with the pastor of the church we attend to discuss when the church, reception hall, and he would be free to perform the service.)  I never intended to hurt her by doing this.  That was just one complaint.  The others were about the colors I chose, the dress that my Grandmother was making for me, the flowers, my wedding party, what we were eating at the rehearsal dinner, the engagement announcements, and for the love of all that is good and pure - of course - the invitations.  I should probably inform you now that this woman and her husband did not pay for anything.  I'm not a selfish person, and I didn't look down on them for not paying anything.  The only reason that I am stating that is so that you can understand that she didn't have any right to complain about anything.  At one point she proclaimed that, since she wasn't wanted there, that she wasn't coming.  That was the same night that I was sitting on her couch trying to be accepted by her.  I thought things were going well.  She was asking me all about my cake, and to be honest, she wasn't being hateful, or at least I was under that impression.  I soon found out that she had a motive for being so talkative and friendly. She was trying to get me to mess up and say something that she could take offense to.  Obviously, I didn't mess up, so she pulled one out of her hat. (She didn't know that her younger daughter was in the kitchen and a witness to the fact that she turned my words around, and jumped on me for no reason.)  She asked how much longer I had left at school.  I said 3 semesters, and then DH and I will be doing great.  I didn't mean that she wasn't.  You see, she never graduated high school.  She dropped out and got pregnant and married.  Apparently, she wanted to believe that I was intentionally downing her by saying anything about how college had helped me.  Maybe you don't understand that whole situation, or maybe you do.  I'm not sure I do.  All I know is that she was in my face screaming about how I had no right to say things like that to her, and drawing the attention of her husband and my husband (fiancé then) to the room.  When they got in the room she didn't stop.  She began to cry, and tried to say things that made it look like I had attacked her verbally.  She said, "I have one thing to say to you.  You are no better than me.  And I don't care how much you look down on me.  You can marry my son, but what you say will never happen.  I am his mother, and I gave birth to him.  You