When I was a newlywed, my
MIL drove 250 miles on Christmas Eve to spend the weekend with us.
She is a widow, but she did not arrive alone. She brought her
cat. She said that she couldn't leave "her baby",
and that she didn't think we would mind. I feel she just didn't
THINK. We set up a litter box in the basement and left the door
open so that the cat would have access to it. But, the cat was
very uncomfortable in unfamiliar surroundings, and left me several
"surprises" behind various pieces of furniture. I
don't remember any of the gifts I was given from friends or relatives
that year, but I DO remember what I received from the cat. 1/23
signed - A Gift That Can't
Even Be Recycled
My MIL always acts like
she has loads of money, though you'd never know it by looking at her.
Anyway, from the beginning, she said she'd pay for half of our wedding,
and I was expecting this fabulous, expensive present right?
Wrong! She didn't even give us a card (my parents gave us a
washer and dryer). Then, a few months later, she said she will
buy us a dog when we want one (we live in an apartment)! Also,
as for paying for half of the wedding, it cost almost $8,000 (we had
a small one) and she gave my mom $1,500? Yeah, that's half!
Not to mention, she was totally difficult at the wedding. She
didn't smile in any pictures, complained about everything, and barely
said 2 words to me! 1/23
signed - A Dog-Day
Wedding!
My husband and I had a very
hard time picking out a name for our firstborn son. We might
have taken this too seriously, but we felt that a child's name was
very important, and we put a lot of time and effort into getting it
right. We poured through one naming book after another, and
tried out any name we heard at work, on TV, or in a conversation,
to see if it went with our last name. Finally, about a week
before my due date, we agreed on a name. My SIL asked my husband
if we were ready with a name yet. When we told her what we had
selected, she announced, "I think it would sound better if you
reversed the first and the middle name". Frankly, I wasn't
nuts about the name she chose for her son either, but I would never
have the nerve to make a comment about a parent's choice of a name.
It is a very personal decision. That comment was made a long
time ago, but it still bugs me to this day. She is going to
make a great Mother in Law some day! 1/23
signed - Won't Play Name
Game
A few weeks before my wedding,
my mom invited my future in-laws over for dinner. My dh and
I were there too. Our wedding was coming up fast, and we all
had a lot to discuss. My future mil began talking about the
dress she was going to wear, and that prompted my mom to go to her
bedroom closet and show us the dress that she had picked out for herself.
My dh's mom opened her mouth immediately and told my mom that she
didn't think the dress was appropriate for the wedding (for many reasons)
and that she still had time to go out and buy something else.
My mom, bless her heart, ignored all of this, and proudly wore that
dress anyway. 1/23
signed - Mom Wore Dress
Anyway
My son was 12 when he was
hospitalized with diabetes. He was in the hospital for several
days, and we were not sure when he would be released. He was
released on a Friday, after some debate by the doctors, as his blood
sugar was high that day. My husband and I were nervous wrecks.
We arrived home to a very messy house, as my husband and I had taken
turns being at the hospital and taking care of our younger son.
My MIL and SIL had seen our son in the emergency room, as they were
on their way to an appointment in the area, and my husband had called
them on the cell phone. They could not stay, as they would have
been late for their appointment. We were home not five minutes
when they came to the door unannounced and uninvited, dressed to the
nines. They did not ask how my son was, but rather if they could
use the bathroom to freshen up, as they were in the area on the way
to a social function. My MIL asked me if her butt looked big
in her designer gown. They stayed for five minutes, long enough
to use the bathroom and powder their noses. 1/23
signed - Is Her Butt Big? Enough
Already.
My husband and I work in
the media. Despite the fact that my MIL has witnessed the long,
stressful hours I work, and the fact that my husband respects me as
a professional equal, she continues to regard my job as just a hobby,
and housework as my real career. When she stays with us, she
constantly asks me about kitchen/laundry/housekeeping tasks, and ignores
the fact that my husband takes joint responsibility for these things
in our house. It's me she constantly bugs about where things
are kept or when I'm going to complete some housekeeping task.
She constantly asks questions which make it clear that she considers
my husband to be the primary breadwinner (we earn the same money).
What can I do to get through to this woman? 1/23
signed - She Thinks Housework
Is My Career
RESPONSE: She Thinks Housework Is My Career
Tell your MIL that you will be sure to mention it when the maid comes
next week! 1/23 RESPONSE: She Thinks Housework Is My Career
I would not bother trying to get through to her - she's obviously
a cretin. Just make sure she doesn't stay too often. 1/24
Oh my gosh, where do I
start?? I guess this all boils down to the fact that my MIL
is still trying to hang on to her son and control his life.
This is easy for her, since she doesn't drive, (and never has) and
my H is too kindhearted. This has been going on since we first
started dating. She seems to think that she can tag along everywhere
we go, and feels she has the right to invite herself along because
she doesn't drive. At first I saw this as just a charmingly
close relationship, but that soon changed. At first, I didn't
mind, if we were going shopping, to take her along, or, since she
liked to dance, (my H and she took country line dance lessons before
we met, and that's how we met, dancing) taking her along when we went
to a Country bar/nightclub. But then she would get mad when
he would dance with me more than her, or if there was no one else
to dance with, therefore she would sit and pout all night. After
only taking her along a few times, she expected to go along EVERY
time we went out. If he told her he wanted it to be just the
two of us, (umm ... like a REAL DATE???) maybe going out to dinner
beforehand, she would throw a tantrum because she wasn't invited along.
So we had to start lying to her about where we went on the weekends.
So that's when the competition began. If she knew or suspected
that we had plans, she would suddenly say that she had to go shopping
for this or that, or go for groceries. (remember she doesn't drive)
She would then poke around while shopping, (she said it would be just
a quick trip) while I am sitting home waiting for him to pick me up
to go out. This caused many fights, because, like I said, he's
too kindhearted, and fell for her bullsh*! every time. It took
a while for him to start standing up to her, and when he did, it got
blamed on me ... I was tearing him away from his family. All
because we wouldn't drag her ass along on all of our dates, and because
he wasn't always readily available to be her taxi service anymore.
This continued throughout our 6 year courtship, even though he made
it clear to her that if we had plans, he wouldn't postpone or cancel
them to suddenly take her somewhere, which I appreciated. But
that's when his life at home became a living hell.
He has an older brother who still lives at home, but she expects very
little of him, and never dares to try to invite herself along with
him. He participates in some "activities" which may
be illegal, can't keep a steady job, and does nothing around the house,
yet he can do no wrong in my MIL's eyes. The way she treats
him and my H is like night and day. When my H finally started
standing up to her, his brother and her made his life hell.
He paid the cable bill, but could never watch TV or tape anything.
He couldn't do his laundry, cuz when he would start it, his brother
or mother would suddenly decide they had to do theirs, and even went
so far as to take his wet laundry out and throw it on the floor.
He started spending more and more time at my mom's house, (where I
lived) and even brought his wash over, and MY MOM did it for him,
which REALLY pissed his mom off. But even through all this,
if we were out in public with his mom for whatever reason, she would
act so sweet to both of us. And she continued to try to invite
herself along everywhere we went. She even went so far as to
call the bowling alley and join the league we bowled in last year!!
She didn't even inform us of this until the first night of the league!
She just came out and said, "Oh, what time is the organizational
meeting? I'm bowling this year, so I'm going along."
What were we supposed to say? Needless to say, it only lasted
1 season cuz it's a late league (9-11pm) and she said it was too late
for her. Now we are married and have moved 3 miles out of town,
(closer to the bowling alley) but for the second half of the season,
we were stuck running her all the way into town, and back out to our
house. Little does she know, we're joining an earlier league
next year. Hopefully, she doesn't find out and call them up
to join. She doesn't ask us first, as you can tell, cuz she
knows what we'll say. She never even liked to bowl before.
She does things out of spite, just to irritate me, and knowing that
my H doesn't always say no. In my family, respect has to be
earned, regardless. And none of us have EVER treated each other
the way his family does, and they are appalled by it.
When we bought our house, MIL tried everything to talk him out of
it. My H is the only one in his whole family to ever own his
own home, so can we spell j-e-a-l-o-u-s-y?? And the weekend
we had closing on our house and moved, MIL locked herself in her bedroom
and cried, and his brother faked a drug overdose. I know this
for a fact, cuz he refused to go to the hospital and MIL didn't want
him to go to the hospital, either. Obvious, isn't it?
Especially since MIL and brother both called in sick to work the day
we had settlement. She cried in her bedroom all morning, and
at 1pm was when his brother had the fake overdose (settlement was
at 3pm). She wanted my then-future H to stay and baby-sit his
brother that day, because she had a DATE WITH HER BOYFRIEND!!
My H said, "this is crazy!! I have settlement on the house
in 2 hours!!" He knew it was all an act to see if he would
miss settlement on our house, which he didn't. He told her if
she's so worried about him, then SHE should stay home with him instead
of going out with her boyfriend. She then said some things to
him which I won't even write here, and he told her he can't wait to
get out of this hellhole she calls home. (YEAH for HIM!! I was
sooooo proud!!) The fact that she always put the many men in
her life ahead of her children's needs is another whole story.
But, needless to say, not one member of his family helped us move
that weekend, while my whole family, and our friends were more than
happy to. You should have seen their faces when 15 people in
7 or 8 trucks showed up at MIL's to start loading up!! LOL.
And they thought they were hurting us by not helping!! LOL.
His family is really screwed up ... I call them the Prozac Club ...
my H doesn't really like it, but everyone else agrees with me ...
surprisingly, they didn't cause any trouble the day of our wedding,
which shocked me ... but she had a good time that day trying to pretend
she was this wonderful loving person, which my family and most of
our friends know is not true. Since then, she seems to think
everything is ok, and calls CONSTANTLY asking my H to take her here
and there, or come in to her place and do stuff for her.
I do her hair twice a week, which is an opportunity for her to find
out what we're doing lately. Example: Thanksgiving. I
told her we were going to decorate for Christmas the weekend before
T-giving, just cuz we wanted to. Now, every other year, she
always decorated the weekend AFTER T-giving. But, because I
made the mistake of telling her we were doing this, she had to have
hers done, too. (Her other son is too lazy to help her with anything)
So she calls the day we were going to do it, and asked if he could
just come in and carry a few boxes of decorations up from the basement.
He left at 11am ... he came back at 6PM!!! I was never so mad
at him!!!!!!! Seems, the few boxes she wanted carried up turned
into setting the tree up for her, hanging all the lights, and taking
her to a department store, (that alone took 2 hours, he told me.)
He was mad at her, too. But every time he tried to leave, she
told him what an ungrateful son he was, and how he thinks he's better
than everyone else now cuz he has his own house. I was so upset
that I told him if this EVER happens again, I'm leaving. I also
told him under NO circumstances would I come second behind his mother,
and that when we married, he took a vow to ME, and his first priority
now is to ME, and our house, and if she ever says anything like that
again, I'll finally tell her exactly what I think of her. The
only reason I haven't yet is because of the trouble it would cause
for my H. (I really don't care what they think of me) I can't
begin to count how many times I DID make some comments, and she twisted
everything around and made me look like the devil himself! I
hated to make my point to him in such a nasty way, but I made some
progress. I know this, because I did her hair again on Saturday,
and told her we were taking our Xmas decorations down yesterday (just
to test her) and, behold, she called yesterday morning to ask if my
H could come in there and take her Xmas stuff down for HER.
He told her no, because we were doing ours, and then we were going
to a friend's house to watch football. She started to get nasty
with him and he said, "I don't know when I can, Mom, but not
today." She said, "OK, whatever," and hung up
on him!!! ROTFLMAO!!! YIPPEE!!! There's more stories
about her, but this has gotten waaaaaay too long already!! Sorry,
but thanks for the opportunity to vent!! I am soooooo glad I'm
not alone!!!! 1/8
signed - Coming Out A Winner
... Slowly
RESPONSE: Coming out a winner...slowly
Good for you! Your husband is lucky to have you as his wife.
His mother is very manipulative! Would you consider letting
him read your entry? It's so obvious what his mother is doing.
Not that you don't already, but have patience with him. It's
hard sometimes to recognize that you're being manipulated when it's
been happening for so long. You always want to believe that
it's not really happening because it's your parent. Unfortunately,
there are too many parents that should never have been "parents"!
Your husband sounds like a sweetie. Hopefully, he'll be able
to recognize more and more what his mother is really doing. 1/9 RESPONSE: Coming out a winner ... slowly
You know, your MIL sounds just like mine except possibly a little
nastier. My DH's older brother also lives at home and doesn't
contribute anything in the way of money to the household (he doesn't
have a job), but whenever MIL needs something done she's on the phone
to my husband, because BIL won't help her, and, of course, everything
always needs to be done that exact moment no matter what DH may be
doing. For example, she couldn't afford to keep her storage
facility any longer because she has been unable to hold a job.
So she called DH and told him that he had to come over right away
to help even though she knew we had plans with my parents. Luckily,
he stood up to her and went with me, but that evening she insisted
that he come over and help, even though she knew he had to get up
at four a.m. and work a twelve hour day. She said that it would
only be for a little while ... six hours later he came home exhausted,
and angry because BIL refused to help, and MIL cared so little about
his obligations and only about what she had to have done ... please
note, she always preaches to me about being independent and that I
shouldn't rely on men to come help me ... I think she should practice
what she preaches ... good luck. 1/9 RESPONSE: coming out a winner slowly
One thought jumped into my head immediately after reading your story.
GIVE YOUR MIL the thoughtful gift of private, PAID FOR driving lessons.
If she refuses to learn, then your husband no longer has to feel sorry
for her inability to drive. All of a sudden, the focus will
not be on her inability to drive, but her stubborn refusal to learn!!!
It will then be HER CHOICE to be helpless. And, in the unlikely
event that she learns to drive, you will be off the hook. What
do ya think????? 1/9 RESPONSE From Poster: coming out a winner ... slowly
I am the original poster of this story. I LOVE the responses
I got. Thank you. First of all, I don't think I would
let him read my entry simply because I feel I have found a personal
haven in which to vent my problems, in turn, not bitc !ng to
him all the time about her. He's figuring out what she is doing,
and has learned to stand up to her more and ignore her more at the
same time. Yes, he was manipulated, and she continues to try
to do it through the fact that she doesn't drive. I think that
62 yrs. old is a little late to learn. But it was a good suggestion.
I personally don't pity her, after all it was HER choice not to learn
to drive in the first place, and my H knows that she uses this to
get what she wants. And no, she should have never been a parent.
I HATE when she brags to people about how well her kids turned out,
when she really didn't have much to do with it. (I know this from
what her sister, my H's aunt, and other people have told me.)
Her kids raised each other, while she was out running around with
her many boyfriends that she had while her children were young.
Just to prove this point, when my then future-H had the flu last year,
I came over to take care of him. She came home from church (she
needs to go! LOL) and asked why I was there, and I told her he woke
up and was so sick he could hardly get out of bed. She threw
a fit, saying, "Well, I need to go for groceries! And,
how am I going to get to my grandson's birthday party? And,
I need to go to a department store!" I looked at her and
said, "Well, I don't think he's going ANYWHERE today!!
What about his brother?" She said, "He's sleeping.
I don't want to disturb him." So she goes into my future
H's bedroom, looks at him and says, "What's the matter?
Don't you feel good?" in a sarcastic tone. She then added,
"Well, keep it to yourself. I don't want it!!"
And walked out of the room. What kind of mother would say that
when her son is sick?!? I never saw him as sick as he was that
time. And I stayed and took care of him all day. She then
made the comment that she wouldn't wait on him like that. I
told her that, since he would be my husband soon, it would be my job
to take care of him, and I plan on doing a GOOD job of it! She
didn't speak to me for days! LOL. 1/9 RESPONSE: coming out a winner ... slowly
Your MIL sounds like a prize all right, but your husband has to accept
responsibility for the way he lets her manipulate him. It is
going to take him time to come around, because he's going to feel
guilty about standing up for himself and you. I would strongly recommend
that both of you go to a counselor to talk about this. Even
if the rest of your marriage is perfect, this could prevent a LOT
of problems down the road, and help your husband deal with the situation
better. Why doesn't she drive? Can she learn? Can
she afford a car? It sounds like you really need to address
this with her in a kind but firm way. Tell her your lives are
getting more hectic, and that you are concerned you won't always be
able to take her where she wants to go. Approach it from a standpoint
of your concern for HER. Talk about options ... her learning
to drive, her other son helping, more taxi's, whatever. If she
won't explore other options, then let the responsibility rest on her.
I'm not saying you should refuse to help her at all ... but if she
needs/wants to go somewhere when you have other plans or its not convenient
... oh well! Its her choice not to help herself, and if she
won't she shouldn't expect the two of you to worry about it.
Be patient with your husband. As aggravating as this is for
you, remember that he feels torn. Put your foot down when absolutely
necessary (like you did over the Christmas decorations), but always
in a loving way. He will love you all the more for not making
him feel he's in the middle and has to choose! The more loving
and gracious you are ... the more obvious his mother's bad behavior
will be to him. Good luck! 1/19 RESPONSE From Poster: coming out a winner ... slowly
I have read the latest response to my story, and want to say that,
although we have come a long way with MIL, and she doesn't try boss
my DH around much anymore, talking with her about "options"
is pretty much going to fall on deaf ears. She never learned
to drive because her own mother didn't drive. She told her it
was dangerous and it was just easier to let someone else do the driving.
She is a lot like her own mother (from what her sister told me) in
the sense that she always expected to have everything done for her,
and whined and got mad when it wasn't. Why she is like this
and her brothers and sisters aren't, is a mystery to me. But,
I do know that she also pulls the jealous act with them, making them
look like the bad guys for having a better life than she does, even
though the bad choices she made were her own fault, not theirs.
They bailed her out so many times before they got tired of doing it.
She is the kind of person that thinks she does nothing wrong and absolutely
refuses to see any other point of view. It doesn't matter how
nice you are about it, or whether or not what you're saying is out
of concern for her. She'll turn around and tell everyone else
in her family how DH is just being selfish and looking for an excuse
not to do anything for her. Since they know how she is, they
ignore her comments. She is, and will always be, selfish.
She has no concern for others or their lives (and neither does her
other son, who still lives with her). She continues to make
herself look bad without DH or me having to be "extra sweet"
in contrast to her.
He has seen for himself how she is, especially compared to my family.
He doesn't feel "torn" at all, if anything, he breathes
a sigh of relief knowing that when he doesn't give in to her every
command, he doesn't have to live with her consequences afterward.
He knows where to draw the line with her, even if she doesn't with
him. He can just ignore her now by not answering the phone or
not returning her calls, and he no longer feels "sucked in"
to his family's troubles, (which usually involved his brother and
his constant "questionable" and the mental ups and downs
that followed them).
MIL still denies that he has a problem. He is her "angel
boy" who does no wrong. She would have been able to afford
a car and buy a house if she would stop making excuses for him and
supporting him. This will never happen. But, DH sees it
as their problem now, not his. He's glad he can distance himself
from it after all the years of being in the middle. He had a
very unstable childhood and I will never forgive her for that.
He went through counseling by himself before he met me. He uses
what he learned from that to this day (when it comes to dealing with
his family). Since I have a happy, close family, and had a good
childhood, we can use that positive example to our advantage. 1/22
My MIL was watching my
1 yo daughter, and my DH stayed over for a little before leaving to
go with my BIL. When I came back to pick up my daughter, my
MIL told me that my daughter cried louder for my DH, than she did
for me. I was really offended by her comment, but didn't say
anything. Later, I wished I said something like, "What
are you insinuating," or "My daughter loves us equally."
I just wish I would have said something. Am I over reacting?
MIL says stuff like that all the time. 1/18
signed - Am I Over Reacting?
RESPONSE: Am I Over Reacting?
Your MIL is a witch and a dingbat, as I'm sure you already know. Does
she really expect you to believe that a 1-year-old somehow is showing
"partiality" by crying more (assuming your MIL isn't lying
her @ss off)? Yeah, right. Next time your MIL makes a
similar remark, reply with, "Oh, so she cries a lot around YOU,
huh?" 1/20 RESPONSE: Am I Over Reacting?
I agree with the first person. As the mother of 3, I KNOW that
most children at that age aren't too partial. I definitely would
have responded with something like: "You know, that's really
odd, she NEVER cries when she's with MY mother." 1/22
In short, my MIL lives
on the west coast and we live on the east coast. 8 months ago
we had a little boy, and suddenly she's here every 3rd week for a
week or more (2 and a half weeks at Christmas) with us. She
spent the first month here hovering over me while I took care of our
newborn son, and spent the final days with my mom. She passed
away when our son was only a month old. After my mother's death,
my MIL never even mentioned her passing, not even to give me her condolences!
And her best suggestion was that she should take my son away
from all this sadness to be with her while I got myself together.
Considering that I was breastfeeding at the time, I was amazed
at her "kindness". I was furious, livid even, that
she should suggest that she knew what was best for me and my son going
through something she herself has not yet even experienced!
Anyway, she's showing up again at the end of this week (she only left
here the first week of Jan), and this time I tried to point out that
4 days was really only the acceptable length of time to stay ... seeing
as I've gone back to work, we have a nanny and the three of us love
our privacy. Her response was, "Well, I'm arriving Friday,
and I'm going to stay as long as I can ... probably until the following
Sunday, Ok?"
My H is useless when it comes to his mother (aren't all men). He feels
it's rude to tell her I don't want her to stay at our place, and that
if she's flying all the way from the west coast that a minimum of
a one week stay seems reasonable. My argument to that, so far,
has been - well, sure, if you only come every 3 or 4 months ... but
she's here every 3rd week. Clearly money doesn't seem to be
an issue. So, her length of stay should reflect her constant"drop-ins".
Finally, the show stopper - On the phone yesterday she told me that
she loves our son like he was her own son, and that she misses him
like a mother ... I just about lost it. What she said doesn't
seem all that bad but its more the implication that has driven me
around the bend (she's oriental, so these subtle nuances and implications
are everything). What she's saying is that if she could, she
would raise my son as her own, and THAT is NOT acceptable. She's
already started on the tidal wave of suggestions of how to raise my
little man, and not mention doing the occasional upbringing herself.
What I hate most about her visits is the constant power struggle
from sun up to sun down. Hey, it's my house, my rules, and I
don't want to have to say it, but I think it's coming down to that.
I'm the mommy, and I do the mommying. You're the granny
and you do granny type things ... but you don't raise my son, and
you don't discipline him.
So, here's the thing - what the devil do I do with this woman who
seems to have my H eating out of her hand, and who wants to usurp
my position as mommy with my son? Since I've lost my mom so
recently, it seems like I really hang on to the role of mom more,
and I'm really possessive of my time with my little man. When
she comes she expects me to step back - cook and clean after her,
my H and my son, but not to spend a single moment with my son ...
that's HER right!!!!!!!! I'm losing my mind. Part of me
realizes that I'm just going to have to sit down and tell her - "Look,
you just can't come whenever you feel like it - unannounced and uninvited
- and then stay for however long you feel." To make matters
worse, her second husband tells her to come and visit us any time
she feels she can't cope with being away from our son. (Since when
does he have the right to hand out invitations to our place?)
To say she's domineering, possessive and overbearing would be nice
and too soft. I'm no slouch, but around her - what the heck,
she makes me feel like a freshman in high school all over again. Any
and all advice on what to do when she comes this time, to avoid her
coming back in three weeks, would be most, and I mean MOST, appreciated. 1/15
signed - Never Alone
In My Home
RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
Absolutely, you need to sit her little (or big) rear end down and
tell her the rules of YOUR home. Explain to her that this is
NOT her home, she is a guest. Even if she is a relative, she
is a guest. And then finish with, "Are you with me?"
Or something that makes her understand you are serious and you
want her to understand. Do not get emotional or you'll break
down and, viola, she will feel the power she has. Tell her frankly
you will not put up with her infringements anymore, and even if she
enjoys being with grandson, she is NOT his mother and she had better
come to terms with that. Make sure your husband is there, though.
Don't put yourself in a predicament of one-on-one. Intrusive
people always turn things around, especially since your H sounds like
mine, a spineless coward towards his toxic parent. My situation
is his sister. He is a complete coward about telling her to
back off, for fear she will disown him. Hhhhmph! Who wants
her as a relative if she's that quick to disown him? geeez Anyway,
definitely get this out next time she intrudes. If you don't,
it will only fester, and pretty soon your marriage will be withering
also because you will lose respect for HIM for not handling this for
YOU when he knows how much you are hurting. Good luck! 1/16 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
Don't feel left out or "slighted". My own dad does
that. He has never been a "shopper" and has always
given us a check . Impersonal, yes. However, at least we
got the money. LOL. And he thought of us, so I look at
it that way. Could be worse. You could get a gawd awful
ceramic cherub thing that cost about five bucks (I know, cuz I know
the catalog she got it from) ... LOL! One of my in-laws gave
me that. It's in a dumpster somewhere between their house and
mine. LOL. Yes, it's very boring and impersonal to give
a check/money, however, look at it this way, its CASH and you get
to spend it. 1/16 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
What a mess ... First, my condolences on your loss. Losing
a parent is never easy, especially when your life is already in a
bit of chaos due to another major event. It sounds like the
main thing you need is your husband's support. Have you sat
him down and had a serious talk with him about how his mother's constant
visits are affecting your life and happiness? Grab a calendar
and mark when her visits have been for the past eight months with
a fat red marker. Flat out tell him that spending a third to
a half (or whatever exact fraction you see on the calendar) of your
free time, going out of your way to cook for, clean up after, and
otherwise entertain his mother, is too much for him to expect of you.
Ask him if he realizes that you feel that his mother is trying to
usurp your place in your child's life. He may believe that you're
overreacting. Expect it, and be prepared to deal with it calmly.
(Screaming, "No, I'm NOT!" is not going to make your point!)
Tell him that, yes, it's possible that you're overreacting, but this
is how you feel, and your feelings should be important to him.
If he won't see your point, and thinks you are over reacting, would
he consider family counseling? Check with your nanny to see
how your MIL acts around your son while you're at work. Is she
interfering with orders you've given your nanny about your son's care?
If so, that's something you and your husband will need to deal with
quickly. (And, if your husband is having "you're overreacting"
problems, confirmation from the nanny, who I presume would be considered
a neutral party, can't hurt!) If all else fails, look into scheduling
activities for you and your son outside the house. If you've
gone back to work, it may be tricky, but you should be able to find
something. Check your local YMCA/YWCA, some of them offer swimming
classes for children as young as yours, or other activities for children.
Make it clear that this is YOUR time with your son, and gently but
firmly make sure that grandma does not tag along. 1/16 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
1. Move, and don't give her a forwarding address!
2. First, you need to talk to your husband. I don't know
if your situation is more difficult, because he is an Asian, but I
can't believe that even if there are cultural differences, that all
Asians behave this way. Your husband needs to know that, since
he got married, YOU and HIS NEW FAMILY are his priority, NOT his mother
and his birth family. Any husband who does not defend his wife
and family against a domineering MIL is wrong! Whether or not
you can get his support, when your MIL shows up, tell her you have
made her reservations at a local hotel in her name, and give her the
address. If she insists on staying in your home, and you can't
physically throw her out, then do NOT lift a finger to wait on her.
Tell her there is food in the fridge and to do for herself.
Go about your own business and ignore her. Take your son to
another room with a lock, lock her out, and spend time with him.
Take him out somewhere by yourself. I hope your husband will
see the light and support you, but if not, I hope these other suggestions
help.
I am the one who got the Dental Water Jet above. My husband
and I have been married for 16 years, and are only now putting and
end to the ugly situation. We have tried to be good, forgiving
Christians. I will still pray for the souls of my in-laws, but
we (fortunately, my husband supports me, but I have to still help
him with his feelings, because he feels guilt, because it is his mother;
remember that your husband will behave like a person in an abusive
situation) have finally determined that we have to cut them off from
us and their grandchildren, before they do any more emotional harm
to us or them. The conclusion I have come to, after experiencing
my own MIL and reading all these stories, is that they seem to be
of a personality type that feels the world owes them something.
They are envious and bitter. They are emotional abusers; they
need to be prayed for, but given STRICT boundaries. I wish you,
and others like you out there, luck! May God give you strength,
peace, comfort and joy in your new son!!!! 1/17 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mother. She
must have been a good woman to raise someone with a strong sense of
morals and values like you. I can understand your feelings of
helplessness, especially since your husband refuses to fight back.
Don't believe for a minute that ALL men are like that. That's
what your DH wants you to believe, and it seems like you're going
to have to give him more than subtle jabs about your MIL. Some
people have to be practically hit over the head before they see it.
What does HE think about the fact that your MIL was heartless enough
not to even offer condolences to you? That woman deserves no
courtesy whatsoever, and needs to be told flat out that she's only
welcome to stay at your home when YOU decide, not when SHE decides.
If you start to waver, just remember how she treats you and tries
to walk all over you -- the anger is a surprising source of strength.
Before you even attempt to talk to that pushy MIL of yours, though,
tell your husband that you expect him to inform your mother that visits
will be restricted to your convenience from now on. Then tell
him that if HE doesn't make this clear to your mother, YOU WILL, and
you will be very blunt about it. Usually, this works, because
the sons of these women have learned from Day One to retreat from
fights, and they don't want to make waves. He'll probably work
up some courage, just to avoid a war between "Mom" and "Wife".
Don't be shy about telling MIL to butt out of the parenting, either.
Any time you start feeling like a naughty child for standing up to
her, remind yourself that this is precisely what dominating MIL's
act like -- naughty children. They can't accept other viewpoints,
they're incapable of sharing, they won't compromise, they're self-centered,
and they think THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. Just think of your MIL
as a sulky child who needs reprimanding, because that's precisely
what she is. 1/17 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
I hate to say this, but "his" mother gloats over my mother's
death. It gives her more control. Something I can't even
call her on. She denies every bit of what she does when I confront
her. She makes you feel "crazy" and tells others you
are. Spends so much time and energy plotting new ways to get
to me. Now it is "MY" grandchild, MY rights legally.
Just because I told her she shouldn't be acting like the baby is hers.
So now I have the court threats. She is a bully and very much
needs discipline, but no one will, as I experience her wrath.
This woman cannot realize her faults, and fights like a wild animal.
I look at her with pity, that denial makes her look like such a jack*Ss
I am praying I can be saved from this woman's insisting on involvement
with her grandchild. Toxic and evil are almost compliments to
her as I can only say she strives to be these things in life.
I want to tell her I am so glad she does these things as she surely
makes my mom an angelic mother to remember ... Anyway, tell her! Stop
letting it eat you up that it actually diminishes your motherhood.
I wouldn't let a stranger tell me, and she is a stranger (someone
you don't know and can't trust would be the definition). Husbands
need to understand one thing, "you are not a doormat", and
you don't treat her like one, fair and square. Good Luck, she
couldn't be as evil as what we've got here! Oh, and expect some
drama as she looks for pity as being a "grandma": "Who,
me? Sweet little 'ole' me? But ,I'm the grandma!
Who cares if I'm rude? I'm allowed to be," (the rights
of a senior citizen all twisted up to her liking). 1/17 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
If possible, sit your husband down and tell him the visiting schedule
has to stop. That he needs to tell his Mom that, while you all
love her, it's just too much having her there so often and for so
long. He should tell her that, until she is INVITED to come
back, the visits are going to stop. If he won't do that, then
you're going to have to do it, hopefully with his support. Try
to be as gentle as possible while still getting the point across.
Instead of making it about her, tell her that you just want time with
your son and husband so you can bond as a family. Tell her it's
just too much having a new baby, going back to work and dealing with
your Mother's death. Try to remember that this woman obviously
loves your son a great deal, and probably doesn't mean to interfere
as much as she is. She's just excited about being a grandmother.
However, that doesn't mean she gets to tell you when she'll visit
and when she will leave. That's up to you and your husband! 1/18 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I just wanted to share
my story with you. My mother died unexpectedly when I was 5
months pregnant. She was very young (47) and this was a terrible
blow, especially since I was pregnant with my first child. Anyway,
when she died, I was out of town with my in-laws (I went a day early
with my SIL, and my husband was to come later that evening).
My FIL (who is a very nice man) came in and broke the horrible news
to me. I was in complete shock, and just wanted to take a shower
and get myself home to be with my family. My MIL comes in and
says, "I'm so sorry we won't be able to be with you during this
terrible time since we're out of town." What??? I
was thinking about how in the hell was I gonna get home if they were
not taking me. By the way, my family and I had known them since
I was in middle school, not to mention the fact that I had been with
their son for 7 yrs. I just couldn't imagine that this wouldn't
warrant the cancellation of the rest of their vacation to get me home
and support me and my husband (who was close to my mom also).
She said they had booked a flight for me at 7PM (it was 8AM at this
time). I couldn't even imagine how I was going to sit around
there for 11 hours with them all staring at me, not knowing what to
say, and me wanting to be home with my husband and my sisters.
Well, my FIL (bless his heart) made the announcement that everybody
was going home because this was going to be no kind of vacation anyway,
because I needed their support. They took me home and were supportive.
But, even after 3 yrs, I can not get over the callousness of my MIL
by announcing that her vacation "would not be interrupted by
this". There was way more insensitivity by her during this
time, but I would be typing all night to tell you about it.
I just wanted to let you know, you're not the only one, and that I'll
be thinking good thoughts for you. 1/21 RESPONSE: Never Alone In My Home
I am Asian, so I know EXACTLY from where your MIL is coming.
Look, there is no beating around the bush in these instances ... every
Asian mother I know has devalued her daughter-in-law ... you are not
a human to her ... sometimes I think that from the day they are born,
some old-fashioned Asian women live for the day they have sons and
acquire daughters in law to dominate. YOU MUST PUT YOUR FOOT
DOWN, NOW. They will only respect you if you INSIST!!!
I could tell you horror stories of how females were treated in my
family through the generations by in-laws. Establish your territory
and dominance ... until you do, she will make your life miserable.
Furthermore, doesn't the fact that she offered you no condolences
speak to how she feels about you? I am urging you to be forceful
now before she will make you miserable -- and BELIEVE ME, SHE WILL
TRY!! Good luck, and God bless 1/22
My mil and I went to a mall
to do some shopping for the holidays. She wanted my advice
as to what she should buy for my children, so I agreed to meet her
there. After about an hour or so, I felt the need for
a cup of coffee, and stopped by a kiosk to purchase one.
I offered to buy mil one, but she declined. While we were
shopping, I bought myself a package of plain white underwear.
They were plain white, with no lace or fancy stitching of any kind.
The next day my husband told me that his mom had called him at work
to inform him that I am extravagant and that he should watch me carefully
regarding money, because I was surely going to get us into financial
straights given my spending habits. This was all based on the
underwear and coffee purchases. There is so much I could say
about this, but it would take me all day to type it in. I just
wonder if she can ever mind her own business. Now I wish I had
gotten a facial that day too, just to hear the comments. 1/19
signed - Should Have Gotten
A Facial
Well, hang onto your hats,
ladies, I have one HELL of a story. Here goes:
My boyfriend (soon to be husband) and I met 5 years ago. We
were 15, freshmen, and really in love. Well, that was, of course,
until I heard about his mother. When we started opening up to
each other (after dating for a few months), he told me that his mother
had been married 6 times, won't let him see his father, sleeps around,
emotionally abuses him, tells him she hates him, and, as most of you
can relate, acts like his wife. Well, I found these stories
truly disgusting. As time went on, that year, she found me to
be a total threat. She was in the process of her 7th divorce,
and had found her a "man" (over the Internet no less) in
another state. My boyfriend came to live with me so she could
run off and be childless for a few months and have her rendezvous
with internet-boy. She promised she'd move back by the next
month. So, we lived together ... months passed ... May, June,
July, August, September ... and ... October.
After not hearing from her all of those months (my parents were kind,
and cared for my 15 year old boyfriend) she called up and said, "Pack
your bags, you're coming back to live with mommy, where you belong."
We were shocked. She told him, "If you're not there tomorrow,
when my friend comes to pick you up, I'm calling the cops."
I was floored and hurting badly. We quickly gathered everything
of his that we could find. The next day, an old car showed up
outside my house (she'd given this strange man my address!) and whisked
my boyfriend away. Then it started ... He was taken away to
be with his mom. She met him and immediately started yelling,
"Where are my flowers, huh??", and other things like, "How
could you leave me for all those months? My little man left
me." ... (that was my favorite). Then he called me with
a phone-card I'd given him. I could hear his mother going through
his suitcase in the background, and I heard her say, "Where is
YOUR RETAINER?!". (Oh no, it had been lost when we were
camping at the lake in July). So, he covered and asked me, "Where's
my retainer, do you know where it is?" I heard the line
click, and there was his mother saying, "You f*****g c**t!
You lost my baby's retainer, didn't you?!? You've ruined my
life, and ruined my son!" All I could say was, "I
... I'm sorry." Then, she hung up on me.
Well, after that he was banned from speaking to me. She even
went as far as to get rid of her phone. I'd lightened his hair
while he'd lived with me. She decided he didn't look enough
like her ex-lover (his father) anymore, so she forced him to dye his
hair brown and buzz it off! She sent plentitudes of her friends
to mail me, call me, and email me with vicious, cruel things.
It was hell.
When our yearlong anniversary hit, she asked him, "Do you want
to go somewhere with mommy today?" He said, "No, I'd
like to call my girlfriend, it's our anniversary today."
That's when it happened! She went off on him! She told
him that he just had to get over it and move on, and that she didn't
care if he killed himself over me, that I'm just a "b***h-c**t"
and that I don't deserve her "little man". O...kay.
At this point, he'd been calling me collect from friends houses, or
emailing me from libraries, to tell me what was going on. He
was trying to tell me he loved me, but ... I was in a lot of pain.
So many tears. I was scared that she'd get to him, or he'd just
"leave" me to get it all over with. It was a scary
time.
Well, even now we're encountering the same problems. He left
on his 18th birthday to come to be with me. Of course, you can
understand what that did to her. I stole her man! We had
a son (nine months after his birthday). But we weren't, and
are still not, married. We live together happily. When
my son turned one, MIL decided she'd come in for a visit. She
told me everything that I was doing was wrong, and how she was GLAD
our son didn't look like me, etc., etc. It was awful.
Eventually, we had to tell her to leave. I know he feels bad
that he is torn between his mother and I, but ... she's insane.
I truly do love him, but this has caused very painful situations for
the both of us. We're both very happy now that we are together
again, after not seeing each other for two and a half years.
But, she stills has a huge presence in our relationship, as much as
we try not to let her. 1/20
signed - Gone Crazy. But
She Still Has Huge Presence
RESPONSE: Gone Crazy. But She Still Has Huge Presence
My advice would be to move and not tell her where, when, or anything.
In other words, disappear from the face of the earth, as far as this
woman is concerned. This woman sounds certifiable, and maybe
even dangerous. 1/21 RESPONSE: Gone Crazy. But She Still
Has Huge Presence
You guys need to get married and move the heck out of state.
Leave no forwarding address or phone number! She is not a stable
person (for you two, and especially your son) to be around.
You will end up with an ulcer, or worse. And her son has taken
enough abuse. I am serious. Tell him and do it soon.
You will be happier in the long run! 1/21
Reading the other stories
on this site, I know that there are others who have suffered more
hurt and for much longer a period than I have. But, just to
unburden myself to somebody, I am writing my little story here.
I have been married for 2 and a half years now. Just as in other
Indian weddings, it was an arranged marriage. I was just out
of college, and the guy was from abroad (US). My MIL was a journalist
writing on human rights, environmental and women's issues in a popular
newspaper. My FIL was abroad for almost 14 years away from the
family. My MIL had fought with most of her relatives and lost
some property too. She had her hard times. She was the
lady who liked me, and we were engaged to be married after 7 months.
After a few days, my to-be-in-laws started placing their demands,
and started finding fault with everything we said or did. MIL
went abroad on some assignment, and she started sending me long nasty
emails with what I should and should not do. She even started
playing me against my parents and relatives. Not knowing what
to do, I showed the emails to my elder brother and parents.
They went and spoke to FIL, who then assured us that his wife did
throw some tantrums, and he would set right things. Nothing
changed, eventually. Meanwhile, my fiancé was diplomatic, though
he did show signs of not believing me. I was ready to work along.
A month or so later, my brother visited my fiancé on a business trip
abroad. My MIL insulted my brother, insulted my parents, and
through all this my fiancé did and said nothing. My brother,
a very soft guy, was terribly hurt, and told me of the event, and
told me to consider ending the engagement. He told me that they
had very sharp tongues, impure hearts, and they could use their language
skills to tear people apart. I was already growing attached
to my fiancé and decided to take the risk of going ahead with the
marriage. Even before the marriage, up until the night before
the marriage, there were scenes. My fiancé started bringing
up all the old events a few hours before the wedding. I was
broken. My parent's hearts torn apart. My brother then
took the lead and asked them whether they wanted dowry. If they
wanted go ahead with the marriage they should come to the bride's
place. My in-laws and fiancé came and there was a great verbal
battle. My brother wanted assurances that they would take care
of me, and that the marriage would go on smoothly. I put all
my faith in god, and in the goodness of people, and gave the "go-ahead"
for the marriage.
After marriage, my MIL has always treated me badly. In spite
of the cause she works for, she asked me about what jewels I had brought,
what material things I had, what I would leave behind when I went
abroad. Her gifts during the wedding were meant to show to people
that she had spent. In fact, all the money was my fiancé's.
After the wedding, she had presented me with the cheapest and dullest
of dresses, and nothing for her son. She buys the best and most
expensive dresses for herself and her daughter.
Marriage has been the worst turn in my life. My husband and
I eventually came to terms, and had no problems with each other.
We avoided talking about anybody else. This year, my MIL visited
me. I wanted to make a new start. It was no use.
She enjoyed her stay here, but went home to India and b*tched, told
all sorts of lies about me to my FIL and my parents.
We visited India this year too. That was another major fiasco.
My husband was transformed into a mama's sissy boy the moment he reached
home. She influenced him to become a totally different person.
My husband and in-laws were burning with vengeance. They wanted
to call my brother and parents home and insult them. They did
so. They also demanded an apology from my brother. My
brother and parents did all that they asked for, because it was a
question of their precious one's marriage and happiness. My
husband behaved horribly, and repeated all that my MIL wanted him
to tell. The only reason I survived the trip was that I went
to my parent's home. My husband did nothing to make up with
my parents and brother's family. He did not even say hello to
my baby brother. I was, and am, ashamed of his conduct.
I have returned, and am trying to forget the past. But I know,
the way my MIL has harmed, hurt and almost destroyed my married life,
it is going to take a while to recover. I also feel bad that,
because of my getting married into this highly-placed but unscrupulous
family, so many people who loved and cared for me got hurt.
How can I ever make it up to them?? 1/8
signed - How Can I Ever
Make It Up To Them??
RESPONSE: How Can I Ever Make It Up To Them??
Hon, I feel for you. I don't know if divorce is acceptable to
you, but it looks like that may be the only answer if hubby won't
stick up for you to his own family. At the least, you could
try counseling, but it sounds like the relationship is too far gone
for even that. If the mods here would let me, I'd give you my
e-mail, just so you'd have an ear. *hugs ya tight* Hang
in there, and make sure your family knows how much you love them.
((If the mods (moderators) who run this board can/would allow it,
you can send her my e-mail))
Editor's Note: Sorry. We protect anonymity on these postings.
However, please feel free to meet on the message board to swap e-mail
addresses. 1/9 RESPONSE: How Can I Ever Make It Up To Them??
I am an American born Indian, and my husband is from India.
We have problems that come from my side of the family. The degree
of problems for us is not as high, because my husband is helping me
to see what harm my parents are causing. When we go to visit
them, I also get "transformed". It takes about a month
or two for me to recover, on average. My husband has really
been working with me to get my mind straight. As he works with
me, though, his anger towards my parents is increasing.
My parents and in-laws only met one time (during our wedding in India).
The hurt is still there on my in-law's side. I don't know how
to heal their hurt. They all feel so cheated to be treated so
badly. Now, I write letters to my mil and fil once a month.
(Because of the language barrier and my accent, they can only understand
my letters). My sil lives nearby, so I am trying to improve
the relationship (before the wedding we were fine, and since the wedding
it had been bad). It has been a year since the wedding, and
now it is starting to get decently better.
I would say that your husband really needs to figure out what he wants.
He can ease their pain if he realizes what has been going on.
He doesn't even know what he wants and what marriage is all about.
You both really need to take a long break from BOTH of your families
and build your OWN family and make it stable. Only then can
you go back to your families as one. Don't try to get anything
from each other. Just build a nice family together without other
people's influence. Then, work on healing the hurt and standing
up to his family. 1/12 RESPONSE: How Can I Ever Make It Up To Them??
Hello, don't give up! I have a similar situation, but I am in
India, and so is my husband. Ours was a love marriage.
Even so, mom in law is the kind you describe, and so is hubby dear.
I am also learning to deal with it, and there is one thing I have
found: you can not depend on anybody else to make your happiness.
There is nothing perfect, and although we would like the love of a
husband, with no strings attached, it is not possible at times, and
we have to make the best of it. The choices are ours, to go
or to stay; make it a well thought out decision and follow it through,
just don't live by default, hoping to have a better life someday.
That you are in the U.S., may be good for you in that you don't have
to live with them 24 hours a day, as I do, or worse, in that you have
no old support systems, as in friends, family and known cultural values.
Counseling helps. At least it will clarify the issues.
Try to make your husband go to these sessions. He may not want
to, as mine did, but he may, eventually, come around to it.
You could try it on your own, also, to deal with the hurt, rather
than your marriage. 1/19
Question: Do you
think it's better to live three hours away from your in-laws or a
half-hour away from them? Believe it or not, there are pros
and cons to both. The three hour difference puts us in the "Overnight
Visit Zone." I couldn't imagine spending days at a time
with these people! Living only 30 min's away from them keeps
the visits short but frequent. (By the way, my in-laws are rude, manipulative,
and intrusive. I'll spare you the long, sordid details).
I would really appreciate any input from someone who has been there! 1/12
signed - Does a Buffer
Zone Help?
RESPONSE: Does a buffer zone help?
I don't think I really have the answer. I have often pondered
the same question! My In-laws are nice people, but they don't
understand that everyone has different needs when it comes to privacy.
I thought about moving out of town, but then they would probably
expect us to let them stay with us during their visits. We only
live about 15 minutes away from them and they have been surprising
me whenever they felt the need. Sometimes my H was home and
sometimes not. I had informed my H to either tell them to call
first, or tell them to visit when it was convenient for us, when we
invite them over. He wouldn't do it cuz he didn't want to hurt
Mommie's feelings. Well, I got fed up and ended up hurting her
feelings anyways. I don't get it. My mother taught me
that you don't invite yourself over to other people's homes. She
also taught me that it's rude to assume people want visitors when
they are not expecting them. I feel this way also because I
like my privacy, which I am entitled to. She taught me that
you wait until people invite you over, which respects their privacy.
Sorry, this is so long. It's more of a comment than an
answer, but you're not alone. 1/14 RESPONSE: does a buffer zone help?
In my experience, no. When I first got married, I thought that
it would be the best to live far away. Since we travel 6-8 hours
to get to my DH parent's house and spend the night, I developed a
sense of dread about two weeks before each visit, and ended up depressed
for about two weeks after. We've gone and visited every 2-3
months since my son was born, and my mil hovers over me constantly.
The way she digs at me is very subtle, and my husband doesn't
see what the big deal is. We are supposed to visit again in
Feb. sometime. I think that I will tell him to go and visit
by himself. I will feel guilty because it is important for my
son to be around his grandparents, but the abuse and power-plays from
MIL are too much. I think I'll tell my DH no more than 3 visit
per year lasting no more than 3 days. Married for 11, and suffering
for 12. 1/14 RESPONSE: does a buffer zone help?
My answer is no. My IL's are both retired, and think nothing
of hopping in their car and driving across four states to visit.
Though I am informed (never asked) of their visits, they ALWAYS show
up 2-3 days early. And, sometimes they bring their friends to
stay, too. Surprise to me! Been married for 10 years and
nothing has changed. 1/19
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