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Mother-In-Law Stories Archives 2/12/00

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My mother in law has had it out for me from day one.  My husband is her only son.  And, no one would ever be good enough for him.  My husband and I dated since high school, so I knew what I was getting into.  He quit college so we could get married -- mistake #1-- my fault!!  The reason he doesn't have a degree is because of me, like I put a gun to his head or something. Anyway, the daily conflict around my house has to do with my children.  She thinks my parents and her should have equal time watching the kids .  And, I don't care if she ever watches them.  I try to respect her and be nice, but I always get a smack in the face.  Seems like I'm in the middle of a tug of war.  My husband always takes her side -- of course.  But, until she can learn to respect me as her son's wife, whom he loves, I don't want her keeping my kids.  It's always an ongoing thing, and it gets so old.  I just want it to stop.  If not for me, for my husband and my kids.

You all think that you have it bad, well let me tell you!  My MIL lived with us for one whole year!  And that wasn't all.  My two nephews lived with us also during this time period.  She accused me of everything she could possibly think of ... like putting salt in the coffee!

She also went as far as to charge me for babysitting my daughter while my father was having surgery for his pancreatic cancer (we thought we were going to lose him).  She charged me for watching her own grandchild when she already had custody of two other grandchildren.  You tell me who she favors more!

I have been married 11 months.  I had never met my mil.  Four months into my marriage my husband decides he wants his mother to be in the same town we are.  So, they decided to relocate, telling us they have the $ to move and get a place as soon as they get here.  My mil shows up a month early and is a hypochondriac.  Yes, she does have real health problems, but if it came to cleaning or anything she was too sick (the day she moved out she forgot she'd ever been sick).  A month later my fil shows up with no vehicle and no money.  Needless to say, for 2 months I felt like a stranger in my own home.  They completely took it over.  I finally blew, and they moved out.  Then they began constantly griping about not having a vehicle.  So, needless to say, we were always inconvenienced by them using ours.

About a month later we had to move, and my husband moves me in right next door.  Now it's constantly, "Can we borrow food, money, the truck?"  I'm going crazy!  My husband can't turn them down.  He's not working, so it's my money they borrow and don't pay back.  They borrowed my husband's truck to go to a Dr.'s appt. 2 hours from here, and asked to borrow gas money  I didn't have it, so they took the truck anyway and ran it out of gas.  They hitchhiked home, and called us at work and told us where it was.  1 hour from where we live! (the truck did not lock, and was full of thousands of dollars worth of race car parts).  We had to leave work and borrow $ just to get it home.  And, they expect me to loan them my truck.  LMAO.  No apology or thank you was ever received.

They only call if they want something, never to just chat!  I heard a few months back that my fil told everyone at work he wasn't doing his job properly because his son's wife was Psychotic and had a police record as long as his arm.  None of which is true.  He has since confronted the guy who told me this, threatening him with beating him up and losing his job.  My mil asked my husband what I had over him (my husband) because he hadn't dumped me or cheated on me.  He told her he had grown up and loved me and wanted his marriage to work.  But she still believes that I do have something on him (which I don't)!

I am at wits end.  It is causing my marriage problems.  What can do?  I actually have no contact with them.  I refuse to.  But they still want my truck and call my house being rude.  She doesn't even act like a mother to her son.  But he feels he owes her something.  HELP?


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Hypochondriac MIL" in your response.
 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.  However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

My mother-in-law is crazy, and I mean crazy.  First of all, my husband has to live with her because, if we were to have our own house, even down the street, she would drive her car into a tree or off into a canal somewhere.  He feels that he is responsible for her and her actions.  She has made our life a living hell.  She has threatened him that she will leave the country.  She is from Europe.  So, every time things don't go her way, that is what she tells him, "I'm going back home."  It has been two years now that we have all lived together under the same roof.  Since day one she has been going through my stuff.  I brought a lot of things that I had into our house (their house) and she has taken over everything.  She believes that my things are now her things.  She does not respect our privacy whatsoever.  She calls him away in the middle of a conversation or if we are cooking dinner together.  I have finally stood up to her and told her how I feel.  I tried to be nice about it, but to someone like her you cannot be nice.  One night my husband and I were making dinner and she decided to call someone for him to talk to.  So, she walks into the kitchen and hands him the phone without saying "excuse me", "may I see you for a minute", nothing.  Then, she stood in the kitchen and watched my reaction as he walked out with the phone, and she asked me why I was so upset.  Well, this was my opportunity to let her know exactly how I felt.  So, I told her that I was sick and tired of her interrupting us every time we are doing something.  I told her that she could see that we were in the middle of making dinner and that that was so rude of her.  Well, she got all upset and turned it on me and said, "you can't stand me" and walked out of the room to tell my husband that I can't stand her.  So, he gets off the phone and asked why I had to upset her, and why do I have to get so upset because he is on the phone.

She always makes it like she never meant to upset me or meant to do any harm.  The other day, I went to take a shower and my shampoo bottle was full of dirt and dog hair.  First of all, I use a very expensive shampoo.  I asked my husband if he had washed any of the dogs lately and he said no.  So, I said, "tell you mother to use her own shampoo to wash her dogs, and if she does sneak to use mine, at least wash the evidence off."  But, like my friends told me, she wanted me to know she used it. She knows exactly how to get under my skin. 

We have not spoken to each other for over a month.  Yes, we live in the same house.  I avoid her and she avoids me.  This morning, she went somewhere with my husband and had the nerve to leave a post-it note on her door saying "stay out".  Like I would go in her room.  She is the one that goes through my drawers, my closet, my room, etc.  She is the one that uses my shampoo for her dogs.  Oh, one Christmas my husband bought me a bottle of perfume.  He didn't know what to get her, so he bought her a bottle as well.  About a month or two later, she used hers up. Next thing I know, she is using mine.  This perfume is very strong, and I only used it once in awhile, but she was using it every day (she doesn't work).  She would spray it on every single day until it was gone.  I think I only wore it a couple of times.  It was a big bottle, too. But it was my word against her word.

Today, she told her son, my husband, that she really likes me and would like to make up with me and start fresh.  How can I?  She has done so many things to me.  I would be here all day and night typing if I told you all everything.  When I first moved in she hit the side of my car twice with hers.  She claims she didn't see my car when she backed out.  I had to have it fixed both times.  It was pretty bad.  We have a P.O Box address because we live in the country, and she used to check the mail when I first moved in.  She would throw my mail away.  I know that, because I saw some of my mail on her desk one day, but I waited for her to give it to me and I never got it.  It was birthday cards from family and friends.  So, after that my husband now checks the mail every day.  I have to hide my laundry because she would do it while I'm at work and then I would be missing stuff like underwear or shirts. 

Believe me, I have tried to leave, but it has been hard.  I made a commitment for better or worse.  This is the worse, right?  What a way to start off a marriage and/or relationship.

My husband is one of two kids, with the other being an older sister.  Both she and my mil enjoy making me miserable.  Neither acknowledged our wedding (we eloped).  Incidentally, the sister was given a country club wedding, gifts, showers, etc.  So it goes.  Then, later on, when he asked if there was going to be a baby shower for us, the mil says "why should I do anything for you?".  This behavior continues.  She is rude to my parents.  I am not allowed to discuss my interests or family when we are together.  Every single holiday, the spoiled sister shows up one to two hours late without calling (she's 35, married with three kids; not 18) and the mil won't serve dinner until she arrives.  We sit with our two year old who gets bored.  My husband asked if there was any soda or juice to drink, and she says, "No, I don't drink it".  What a whacko!  Anyway, by the time she serves the dinner, it is cold and dry, and she then fawns over the pain in the ?#@? sister and doesn't say boo to my husband or I, as if we are the villains (the sil and her family have already eaten, incidentally, at their in-laws, so they don't miss the meal).  The sister, her husband and kids are the stars, and we are their audience.  Well, we are bored.  After two years of this holiday schedule, we said it wasn't going to work for us, and she cried and ranted as if we were way out of line.  I was ruining her family.  So we went, and she ripped into me at the dinner table in front of everyone, including my child, and says my husband and I could never understand how busy his sister is, and she can't be expected to go by our schedule.  (incidentally, the sister does not work and her children are all older in school).  She goes on to say that that the sil has to get up in the a.m. and make lunches for two of the kids, and we don't know how hard this is.  My husband and I both work opposite shifts, and my husband works 10 hour shifts.  The princess has never held a job in 35 years of life. I often think of divorce as a means out of this.

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My 24-year-old son married a girl he had known for four years.  I was happy for them, and liked my daughter-in-law and her family.  Shortly after the wedding, they went to live several hundred miles from both families because my son is in the military and was stationed out of the area.  However, the marriage only lasted a little over one year before my son left his wife.  I learned they had broken up when I telephoned one night to see how they were doing.  Three months after separating, my son met another young lady and asked her to marry him, after knowing her for only two weeks.

I cautioned my son to take his time in this new relationship, and at least have a long engagement.  He responded that he did not need my approval.  I assured him that I just wanted him to be happy, and was not trying to run his life.  I did not want to alienate him.  Several months later, he brought this young lady to meet me and spend the weekend.  During the weekend, she told me that she had been afraid to go out with my son because of a bad experience with another tall young man.  She said the other young man had broken her arm and was currently stalking her.  I was horrified by this story and afraid for both of them, and especially for my son.  I did express my concern.  They did not seem to be that concerned.

Shortly after this meeting, my son informed me that she was pregnant.  Because he was still married, he could not marry her, and they had no medical coverage.  I found a doctor who accepted a sliding fee and offered to take her to the doctor.  I learned all of this a week before a family reunion to which they and some of their friends had been invited.  The reunion was on my son's birthday, and I was going to surprise him with a cake and gifts.  I told his fiancée about this surprise.

However, I did not tell my family about the pregnancy, nor did I tell them at the reunion that they were engaged.  Only my mother, several cousins, and my favorite aunt and uncle knew they were engaged.  I felt it was up to my son to tell the rest of the family.  I was still stunned by the pregnancy and trying to accept this relationship without alienating them both.  My son's fiancée became very upset with me at the reunion and they walked out.

I called them to come and talk several days later.  I tried to explain my feelings, and told them that I needed time to work through all of this.  I told them that they might be together 40 years and be happy, and I would be happy for them.  My son seemed to accept this.  However, his fiancée stated that I just wanted to pick at them and she did not care.  Then they left.  After this, I met my son for lunch several times during the work week.  I initiated the invitations.  I received one telephone conversation from his fiancée about the sex of the baby.  I returned this call and spoke with her for a while.

To make a long story short, I never heard from them unless I initiated an invitation.  I invited them for Thanksgiving, but my son told me they were going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with his fiancée's family.  I had angry words with my son.  He then told me that neither I nor any of the family should come to his commissioning ceremony.  He said he and his fiancée were going to let me pin his bar on, but originally he had asked me for money to help pay for his sword for the ceremony.

I have had no contact with them since December 1998.  The baby was born in January 1999.  I never met her.  She died in June 1999.  I did write them a letter in June and asked to see the baby and them.  I did not know the baby had died.  I did not hear from them.  I did speak to my son on the phone in June, apparently before the baby died, because he did not mention her and said he had gotten my letter.  He said he did not know if he would see me.  Finally, in October, I called his home and got his now second wife on the phone.  She told me the baby had died.  She also informed me that my son had made contact with his father's family (I have had no contact in years) and I would never see my son again.  She then proceeded to send me pictures of the baby and said she would pray for me.

I wrote one last letter to my son in October.  I expressed my sorrow about the baby.  I also wished him well in life, since he decided he would forget the rest of his family.

Let me hear from someone.  I am dealing with this the best I can.


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "MIL's Sorrow" in your response.
 

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Responses Received
Below are Stories Previously Run
Along With Recent Responses Received
Note: Some stories below may have received responses in previous weeks.

I just found this page, and I am very curious to see if anyone has a MIL like I have.  She, to the unknown eye, is very sweet and soft spoken.  But, get on her bad side, and she will go all out to make your life hell, all the while being sugar sweet to anyone else around.  My husband is an only child, and until I became part of his life she was, of course, woman #1.  She would constantly tell me how my husband never put any of his girl friends above her.  When I had my daughter, she was absolutely against my breast feeding.  She said if I did she would not be able to bond with the baby.  She hounded my husband and me about this issue.  But to everyone else she would preach how good it was for the baby, and she hoped I would breastfeed.  A common trait in her manipulative and habitual lying nature.  That is just one example of hundreds of things I have to deal with from her.  When we confronted her on a HUGE lie, she just flat out said in her own words, "I am a good and honest person. You know in your heart I would never lie.  How could you say this to your own mother?"  It all came to a head at one point and I blew up at her.  And, of course, she exaggerated to everyone what was said, and had my FIL right in the middle.  Then, of course, comes the part when she calls my husband and says she is more important to his life than I am, and he better straighten me out or get rid of me.  This went on for 2 years.  We have come to an unspoken truce.  Yet, I still hear about lies she tells about me, and have to deal with her everyday lying and trying to manipulate me into her way of thinking.  I try to just blow her off, but at times it is all I can do not to pinch her head off.  Anyway, thanks for listening, and I look forward to any feed back or suggestions.


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Pinch Her Head Off" in your response.
 

RESPONSE:  RE: "Pinch her head off"
Oh my gosh, I think we have the same mother in law!  The things your mother in law does, and the way she acts, sounds JUST like my MIL!  I am at wits end with her and her lying ways.  She lies about everything and anything, and always has to play the victim.  It makes me sick.  She thinks that she has to be the center of attention at all times.  She hates my family because me and hubby spend a lot of time with my family, and we are all so close.  My husband's sister recently married, and she is doing the same things to her husband's family.  She is the most deceitful woman I know!  I found an article describing my MIL right down to the letter.  You might want to check it out!  http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/serial.htm Good luck, and if you figure out a way to deal with her ... please let me know.  I am still trying to figure it out!

RESPONSE:  Response to "Pinch Her Head Off"
My MIL was the same way with us until my husband finally told her that he stands by me ... not her.  I come first in his life ... not her.  From then, I've actually had a much better relationship with her.  So, until mama's little boy stands up to her FOR YOU ... she'll never change towards you.

RESPONSE:  Get out of the relationship immediately!!  You and your significant other have entirely too much baggage!  Move on.  As painful as that may seem.

Please help me!  My MIL, and the whole in-law family, is driving me crazy.  My MIL and I always got along, and I genuinely liked her, until I got pregnant 2 years ago, and from that time on it went down hill.

When we told her I was pregnant she seemed happy, but when I was on bed rest she wouldn't lift a finger to help me (she lives next to us).  My family had to do absolutely everything for me.  After the baby was born (via cesarean) it was the same thing, no help.  In fact, one day she came over and I even said how dirty my floors were and that they needed to be cleaned, but that was something I wasn't suppose to do.  She just ignored me and left.

And that's just the beginning.  It just hasn't stopped since then.  I could go on forever, but I'll try to just pick out some of the things she and the other in-laws have done to tell you about.

She never wants to look after her only grandchild.  Every time I would ask she hums and haws before saying, "I guess so."  Sometimes, months will go by without her seeing him, but yet she tells everyone else in the family how much she adores her grandchild and just can't get enough of him.  And, at family get-togethers, she is all over him, putting on a big show in front of everyone.  It makes me sick!

When my grandfather passed away she offered to baby-sit during the funeral (when others were around to hear her say it).  And then, 1 day before the funeral, she cornered me by the front door as I was leaving and whispered, "Oh, by the way, I'm not sure about babysitting during the funeral.  I might have plans, but I'll let you know."  She never called, so I had to find someone last minute.  The worst was, she went shopping during the funeral.  Then, when I wouldn't ask her to baby-sit anymore, she would say to others that she didn't know what my problem was, and that I was trying to keep her grandson away from her.

Then, 3 months later, when my father died, no one from the in-law family came to the funeral (they all knew him), as they did my grandfather, and no one showed at that one either.  And, on the day my father passed away they had a family get-together.  They have these "get-togethers" every week, almost, so it's not like they couldn't have cancelled out of respect for my dad.  The whole in law family is a bunch of self centered people.  I feel like none of them care about me.  I am constantly trying to make them happy and "fit in" but it just doesn't work, no matter what I do.

I now have no respect for any of them, and they are such a close knit family that I can't seem to get away from them.  They get together for all occasions and most weekends in the summer.  My husband understands how I feel, but yet still wants to attend all the gatherings.  And, when I don't go they bitch about me (I know this because when I do go they bitch about anyone who is not there).  We all live side by side, and as much as I would love to move, my husband promised to never sell the "family land" that we live on, and he won't go back on his promise.

I just don't know how to deal with any of them.  They are so two faced, and they will lie when confronted.  They're nuts, and they are driving me nuts too.

The above are just samples of what they are like.  I could go on and on, but my fingers are getting tired from typing.

Any advice would be appreciated. 


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Two Faced In-Laws" in your response.
 

RESPONSE:  This in regards to Two Faced In-Laws 
I don't mean to be inconsiderate of your feelings, but I have a mother-in-law who has put me through pure hell.  They may be thoughtless, but they are still your family as long as you are married to your husband.  It is not your MIL's responsibility to baby-sit for your child.  In fact, I would call it a blessing if my MIL will not want to keep my child.  I would suggest going to all their family gatherings and not worrying about fitting in.  It may be hard to be nice to your MIL, but I have found that being nice does more harm than trying to get even.

RESPONSE:  Well, it sounds like you need to have a sit down with your husband.  He needs to understand that YOU are his wife & that YOU are his first priority.  With that said, there are always 2 sides to every story.  We are all guilty of something.  It takes two to tango, so to speak.  If you recognize your part & try to do the right, polite things, you can at least have a clear conscious about the relationship.  Hard as it is to turn the other cheek, it is good for all involved if your relationship with your in-laws was at least cordial.  It will also demonstrate to your child that, no matter what the circumstances, you should never sink to their low level.  You become the victor!!

There is no excuse for adults to be so selfish.  I'm sorry for the loss of your father.  I'm sure it is a painful grieving process.  I'm also sorry that your in-laws don't recognize your hurt.  The one thing that is sure in life is death.  They will be put in your situation soon enough.  Maybe then, you can show the support and sympathy that family is supposed to give in a time like that.  It may take something like that to open their eyes.

Until then, try to avoid the constant gatherings.  Your husband needs to support you on this!!  I don't encourage cutting them off completely.  Maybe you and your husband could find a compromise (every other weekend, perhaps).  As for the house, I don't think your husband's "keeping his word" should come before his family's happiness.  He needs to re-think that.  You also need to consider the financial repercussions of buying a new house.  Is it good for YOUR family financially?

Bottom line: Try to compromise.  Work with your husband on the social gatherings and the housing arrangements, but be sure that you are not always the one to give.  Marriage is a two-way street.  If you don't treat it with respect, it will go out of control.  Divorce is a lot more expensive than a new house $$


 


The Sister Knot, Apter
The Sister Knot
Why We Fight, Why We're Jealous, and Why We'll Love Each Other No Matter What


Secret Paths: Women in the New Midlife
Secret Paths
Women in the New Midlife


Working Women Don't Have Wives, Dr. Terri Apter Working Women Don't Have Wives
Professional Success in the 1990'S


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