Mother-In-Law Stories Archives 2/17/2001

Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 2/17/01

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	A few weeks ago I posted a long tale about how badly behaved my MIL was when she visited my husband and I in Australia for Xmas. Well, now I have an update. Just yesterday my husband was offered a new job which would mean we would have to move to Hong Kong for one year and then back to the US for three to five years. Naturally, this is a huge decision for us to make since we moved to Sydney, Australia from the US about 10 years ago and both our children were born in Australia. The new job offer is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and we're seriously considering it. Here was my MIL's response to the news: "You can't move to Asia - Australia was backwards enough! Send the children to me for a year and then come home to America!" Now, my husband and I grew up in America, and we love it, but we also love our home in Australia, and we're sure we could grow to love Hong Kong. We were hoping for some support and advice from the MIL, and we wanted her to feel included in an important family decision - but there is just no hope with this woman. She can't seriously think I'm going to separate my family or entrust my children to her, can she? 2/5 signed - Can't Seriously Think I'm Going To Separate My Family RESPONSE: Can't Seriously Think I'm Going To Separate My Family Run as fast as you can to Hong Kong! If I had the chance to move countries away from my MIL, I'd do it in a second. Also, you should be excited about the chance to experience yet another new culture. You're very lucky! Go and enjoy yourself. Hopefully, your MIL won't be able to afford plane fare. 2/6 RESPONSE: Can't Seriously Think I'm Going To Separate My Family I remember your earlier story about your MIL's behavior at Christmas. Surely you didn't think she was going to be enthusiastic about your move! I would just concentrate on what a wonderful opportunity it is and tell her she needn't worry about visiting you in Hong Kong since you will be "home" in a year. When you do return to the U.S., Be sure you don't move too close to her! What a closed-minded person she is. I'd never invite her to Christmas again, no matter where I was! 2/8 RESPONSE: Can't Seriously Think I'm Going To Separate My Family Heck, I'd rather send my kids to boarding school than send them to her. 2/9
	Note: This story moved here from 1/13/01 archive due to recent receipt of a response: Because my husband married me after his ex wife divorced him, his family decided my children and I were not welcome in their homes, though we had never met. When his ex tried to take his rights away from him so he couldn't see his child, because he was with us, they (his parents) sat beside her in court. I was able to get closer to his mother (remarried), but she wanted to be #1. She didn't like it, she said, when Valentines Day was spent with me and not her, and she tried everything she could to break us up. She even threatened to call the police on us if we didn't let her take his daughter with her, instead of being in our home, because she had the flu. They have called child protective services on us so many times the child protective services said we could file charges on them for harassment and false charges. His mother has called his ex for the past 5 years and tried to get them back together. She calls her regularly. When she finally got to getting close to my kids, she would try to make them love her more than me. She has a huge problem, and lies all the time. She will admit to this when she absolutely has to. She takes them to graveyards. She, at Christmas, said that me and my kids were not welcome at her house, because she got mad and called my brother's wife and threatened to whip her Ss, because my kids wanted to go play with her kids instead of going to her house one day. She said she would not come second to anyone, so me and my kids stayed home while my husband and his daughter went to her house. This hurt me, because my husband did not defend us, and said we should know how she is, not that she shouldn't treat us this way. She has just about destroyed our marriage, and that is what she wants. She wants her son and granddaughter to herself, and she feels I am in her way, being wife and stepmother. She has done many, many things in 5 years to destroy us. She even told him she would pay a ticket he got, but he would have to go live with her. She has slapped my 10 yr. old across the face, and my 18 yr. old brother and she put charges on my mom's credit card and left it for her to pay. My kids do not understand why she is mad. I will not tell them they are not welcome. I may end up divorced over her, when she says something, my husband thinks about it to see if she is right, and maybe that is a good reason not to be with us. She has blamed my children for her behavior, saying they do not respect her, to have wanted to be with my brother's kids, and my husband doesn't defend them. We are at a crossroads now. Either she will now get out of our lives, or we will go away 1/2 signed - Either Out Or We Go Away RESPONSE:* Either Out Or We Go Away I'll bet your husband doesn't know that between you and his mother he was supposed to pick one, and only one. Did he marry you "forsaking all others," or what? Whether your husband wants stand up for you will be very telling. 1/3 RESPONSE: Either Out Or We Go Away Sorry, but your husband is an absolute wuss and a coward to put up with this horrible treatment of his wife and children from "Mommie Dearest" without any objection whatsoever. It sounds like he's way too immature for marriage. What kind of person stands back and lets his mother abuse his family (yes, ABUSE, - be sure to stress this to him, but don't be surprised if he downplays it, because his type always does)? You can do better than these losers, not only for yourself, but for your poor kids. If you insist on remaining with Mr. Wishy-washy anyway, please urge him to get counseling with you. Otherwise, you will have no choice but to divorce him and leave this impossible situation behind. If he refuses, and makes that lame excuse, "That's just the way Mother is, deal with it" (boy, what a great built-in excuse to be an asshole, huh?), tell him, "I'm not going to sit back and watch you treat me and my children like our feelings and well-being are NOT important while your abusive btch of a mother gets treated like a queen. That's the way 'I' am. Deal with it." Then leave him. You'll be much better off, in my opinion. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. 2/5 RESPONSE:* Either Out Or We Go Away First, I have to get one thing straight, people like to blow things out of proportion a lot. I'm not saying you are lying or are even exaggerating. These are extreme accusations, and for you to be accusing your MIL of these things she has to be doing something wrong. I am 15 years old and I have dealt with GILs (grandma in-law) and I don't find it hard to believe that your MIL has done these things. Especially her taking her aggressions out on your children. I have seen it over and over with people that are close to me, and it has happened to me. People like this have insecurities that they don't even know they have. I think she is obviously worried about losing her son and granddaughter to you. I suggest you make some kind of gesture that will reassure her that you are no threat to her "babies". After her pulling the things she has, ask yourself if you might be acting a little salty towards her. The way my mother got in good with her mother-in-law was to keep taking her flack with a big smile. You might not want to take my advice because of my age, and that is understandable. I have a lot to see and learn, but what I know from experience regarding this matter I have shared with you. If you take my advice and have success, great. Otherwise, thank you for your time. 2/7
	I have just about had it with my SIL. I swear the woman left her brain behind when she left her hubby. Since she moved here (where her dad, stepmom, stepbros, brother and I and our kids live) she has driven everyone bonkers. She whines she doesn't need a man, yet expects all of us to do everything for her. Right now I'm so mad I can barely type. I don't mind helping her out when she needs it, if it was appreciated. No matter what anyone does, she takes it as her due. Not even a "thank you", or "is there anything I can help you with?" To start: a few months back ... she decided she wanted to date a friend of the family living with the older stepbrother in law. No problem ... none of us had a problem with this. Until she moved in the friend and virtually kicked out SBIL. She'd whine and complain to all of us about the boyfriend, how he'd sit and watch "naughty movies" he'd rent from the satellite when she was sleeping. SMIL and I both told her how to block the channels the movies are on. Of course she ignored us ... as always. She would whine and bitch about any problems they were having, but god forbid anyone said anything against darling bf. She never calls unless she needs something. Ever. So one day, when she called me 3 times in one day (hubby was at work) my something's up radar went nuts. Come to find out, she had found out she was pregnant, and because of extensive female medical problems, had had a miscarriage. The kicker is that darling BF had come home that day and told her, AFTER she told him she had just lost their baby, that he didn't love her anymore, but they had to stay together because they couldn't afford to live apart. She wanted hubby to go beat the tar out of darling BF Hubby was mad for her, but told her no go. That, and the fact that he was as tired of her Bs as everyone else is didn't help much. (Now, I'm not belittling her having a miscarriage ... I had one myself, with much less warning. Her actions afterwards are what angered me) Fast forward about a month. Still, she only calls when she needs something or someone to bitch to about darling BF The whole family (in-laws and us) live in 3 different houses roughly within 10-15 miles of each other. Very small town. She calls me and SMIL up, whining ... "I can't be around him ... it hurts too much." So she plans on moving roughly 1900 miles away to live with her mother. SMIL and FIL love her ... tell her they don't want her to leave. Her mind is set. She's supposed to leave mid Feb. She gets rid of most of her mini zoo ... gives notice at work. Fine. As of last week, ex-darling BF was living with the older SBIL again. He's started "sniffing around" her again. Soo, of course ... "Oh ... he's sniffing around ... I might actually get laid ... (her own words!!). I better stay and see if he's interested in getting back together." This guy (not even a man) when they split, left her with 3 months of bills to pay. Parents in law have paid her electric for 2 months now. Now, because Darling BF is "sniffing around again", she's postponed leaving. She didn't take into account anyone's feelings on this. Okay, feelings is a bad word for it. She didn't take into account how it would inconvenience everyone. We all use wood stoves instead of heaters ... up here it gets really blasted cold and you have to use them. FIL bought wood for her house and SBIL and Darling BF's house. He had it timed perfectly that her wood would run out on the 10th. She also didn't consult her mother in this, how it would affect her. MIL has a full time job and was going to take off work for a couple of days to help SIL get her stuff moved down to where MIL and her BF live. Now, she has to go talk to her boss again and ask for different days off. Thankfully she has a nice boss, who will let her do that. Today was the last straw. SIL is still on relatively good terms with her hubby (yes they're still married ... he's filing for divorce). They have several dogs together. Real dogs, not children, although she treats those dogs better than most people I know treat their kids. He still has a couple of the dogs and needs her to take them for a week or two because he has to go off on a business trip. No problem. What has me so mad is she called, DEMANDING hubby go with her (it's about a day's drive there and back) to get the dogs. He asked her, "Why can't darling BF go?" "Oh, he has to work." He's blown off work to spend the whole day over at her house before, what's another one?? She didn't even ask if he had plans with his family (me and kids) before saying, "You have to come with me to get the girls from hubby's." She is very capable of taking the trip all by herself, and has done so several times. She tells us all these bad things about darling BF and gets us mad at him ... then wonders why no one likes him and is getting tired of her. Now they're back together, and no one can tell her anything. Can we say kick me?? I'm sorry this is so long ... and this isn't even HALF of what she's pulled ... the littlest part being hubby is my son's stepfather ... only dad my son has ever known. Hubby and I have a little girl together. SIL only wants to play with our daughter ... virtually ignores my little boy. He adores his aunt, but any time we see her she grabs my little girl out of my arms and ignores my son. I'm so ready to throttle her. That's enough for now ... I'm sure I'll have more soon. HELP! 2/4 signed - Does The "S" In SIL Stand For Stupid?? RESPONSE: Does The "S" In SIL Stand For Stupid?? No ... In this case, the "S" in SIL stands for self-centered. It sounds to me like your SIL is concerned with one person, and one person only, herself. It sounds to me like she needs a pretty serious dose of reality before she drives the whole family crazy. Try getting the whole family together to have a talk about your SIL. If you can't get everybody in one place at one time, then talk to EVERYBODY, and make sure you're all in agreement. What needs to happen is that your SIL starts hearing "ENOUGH" from everybody at the same time. A delegation of two or three people (ideally her parents or siblings, if they're in the area) need to sit her down and explain things to her. She doesn't need a man? Great, good for her. But, what she DOES need is a job, so she can pay her own bills, buy her own wood for heating, and so forth. Make sure she KNOWS that everybody is tired of her freeloading and demanding help, without showing ANY appreciation. Draw the boundaries, make sure everybody is clear about them, and stick to them. Good luck! 2/5 RESPONSE From Poster: Does The "S" In SIL Stand For Stupid?? I'm the original poster. In defense of my SIL (and this is about the only thing I do defend her for), she does have a job. She works roughly 60 miles away, but calls in sick or just plain calls in whenever she feels like it. The place she works for needs people so badly that they just look the other way. She was living with darling BF for a couple of months. They were both supposed to be paying the bills. He broke it off with her. She kicked him out and he didn't pay her a dime. So, she's months behind on all her bills, and still smokes cigs that cost about $3 a pack. Yah, I like brand name cigs too, but, when you have X amount of money to spend to get by for the month, you can make do with generic, or at least something cheaper (I pay $1.75 a pack). She doesn't understand that we weren't put on this earth to save her butt every time she gets it in a wringer. I loved your suggestion about everyone getting together and talking to her, but I can tell you right now, it won't happen. FIL is a very sweet man, but once he says his piece, that's it. He's already told SIL and darling BF that he thinks they're idiots, and he's staying out of it - end of his involvement. SMIL loves SIL like a (blood) daughter and has never once treated her unkindly, but won't stand up to her and say, "enough is enough". SBIL, I think, is of the same frame of mind I am, but won't say anything for fear of hurting his mom. SO, pretty much, we're all dealing with it 'til SIL finally ticks everyone off to the point where everyone just goes postal on her and she ends up in the loony bin (again). I think that's the main reason SMIL hasn't said anything. Thank you loads for your idea. I'm going to talk it over with SMIL. If nothing else, it'll give her some food for thought. Hugs 2/7
	She tries to tell us how to wear our hair, how we should arrange our furniture, what we should eat, how much we should eat, where we should live, how we should spend our money, etc. She expects us to spend all of our vacation time with her, and spend the weekend helping her around the house, at least once a month, even though we live 4 hours away. She expects us to spend every holiday with her, and not see my family on holidays. We are not allowed to spend more time with my family than we do with her. She wants to know if I bring enough money into the household and if I sit around doing nothing all of the time. She wants to know, "Have you forced your husband to do all of the housework?" even though he could care less about the housework. He'd rather let it go than do it, probably because that is how the house that he grew up in was run. Once we were at a fancy restaurant, seated with strangers, when she placed her finger on the pimple on my face and asked in a very loud voice, "You have a new pimple, is that because you got your period? I always used to get a new pimple when I got my period." Once she told my husband, "He'd better save that empty pop can so you'll have something to pee in on your way home." Home, from where we were, was 1 hour and 15 minutes away and there were probably about 5,000 public restrooms in between. The list could go on and on and on, but I don't have that kind of time. 2/5 signed - Won't Be Controlled Or Bullied By This Woman !!!! RESPONSE: Won't Be Controlled Or Bullied By This Woman !!!! I was horrified to read your story. I would HATE your MIL!! I'd say, avoid her as much as you can, and try to fill your life up with other good things to balance out the HUGE, BAD thing (having HER as a MIL)!! 2/7
	This is just the best site! I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. Some of you have just horrible MILS, and though I'm sorry that there are people like that in the world, it helps me to keep my problems in perspective. My DH is a wonderful man, and his family has been great about accepting my two children. My MIL tries to be a good MIL, but she is just so nuts! She has three boys (DH is the oldest) and she favors the youngest (who has a different father from the older two) so much. It's sad because he is a spoiled brat and the other two boys would do anything for her. My DH tries to pretend it doesn't happen, but even he can't turn a blind eye to some of the crp she pulls. At Christmas time, she insisted that either DH or her middle child MUST come help her put up her tree. Both work retail and are very busy that time of year. Meanwhile, the youngest, who is 16, is there every other weekend. She phoned our house constantly and bothered DH at work claiming youngest son couldn't handle it by himself (he's on the high school football and wrestling teams, but he can't put up a 5 foot Christmas tree?). She also refuses all invitations to get together with my family during the holidays because she has no man (don't even get me started on that!) Then, she complains to my DH that my family members all think they are so much better than she is! I try to have a good relationship with her for my husband's sake and just let it all go, but one of these days it's all going to come out! I'm not sure how much longer I can be polite. 2/4 signed - At The End Of My Rope RESPONSE:* At The End Of My Rope I don't blame you for wondering how long you can keep being polite. I've felt the same way. Sometimes I've come pretty darn close to NOT being polite, but I regret those times. I think that the best thing, instead of letting her have it (that's AWFULLY tempting, and JUSTIFIED), is to just stay away from her as much as possible -- avoid her -- don't have anything to do with her. When you DO see her, be polite and kind. But, don't do anything to make her like or dislike you (that way not drawing attention to yourself -- you don't want her attention). Let the other people do all the talking as much as possible. 2/7
	O.K. I have this MIL who came to visit us during Christmas, and she brought her own Christmas cookies to eat!!! I could not believe it. Is that just rude, or what?? It might not bother me so much, but after the birth of our third son, I was having a hard time with my family. They are not very supportive, and I told her that my sisters thought that I didn't provide my kids with enough "junk", such as cupcakes, homemade cookies, etc. I can tell you that my kids had their fair share of goodies - but maybe they were bought instead of homemade - SO WHAT. I had a 5yr old, a 1yr old, and a newborn. Who had the time to bake????? I expected a little support, but she instead chose to side with them, and said that I didn't bake as much for my children as she did. Ever since, I just want to take those cupcakes and cookies that she makes and put them where the sun doesn't shine. The Christmas incident was enough, and finally my husband told her to back off. 2/4 signed - MIL Brought Her Own Cookies RESPONSE: MIL Brought Her Own Cookies Was she rude to you about it, making a big point of saying she was bringing cookies because she wanted cookies to eat and knew you didn't have any? Or, had she brought them to share with you (because it's nice to bring along something when you go to someone's house for a meal, as a gift)? It would be wrong for me to assume that it was some kind of misunderstanding, because you know what your MIL is like and how she treats you and the "vibe" you get from her. It was just hard for me to get a feel for it, from your posting. 2/7
	I have been married for two years to a wonderful man. I haven't spoken to my MIL in over a year. I have recently discovered that she has cut me out of all of my wedding pictures! The pictures that aren't cut have been drawn on so that you can't see my face. Out of all the things that this crazy b*h has done, this gets to me the most. She has accused me of "breaking and entering" her house, stealing, etc. My favorite was when she told everyone that I was brainwashing my H so that he wouldn't want to be around her anymore!! That leads me back to the crazy bh statement. To top it all off, HER parents are just as bad. They have been known to tell people that I am the one that is tearing their family apart. I was also informed that I just needed to try harder to fit into HER family (I lost it!). I am a private person who does not like others knowing my personal business and that outrages them. They feel that if you don't need them, then you don't love them. Well, I don't need them. I don't know how I will be able to endure this anymore. My H is supportive to some degree. I have asked him to stay out of it for the most part because I know it hurts him to see the people he loves at each others throats. What do I do? Why do the "pictures" bother me so much. Should I just let it go and chalk it up to another juvenile attempt to ps me off? HELP! 2/6 signed - X-ED OUT RESPONSE:* X-ED OUT I certainly understand where you are coming from. At least your MIL got wedding pictures. Mine hasn't bought one of them, and we have been married for over 3 years. She won't even invite us over to her house. But, she expects us to invite her over to our house all the time. She just recently sent a thank you card for the gifts we got her for Christmas. In it, she pointed out how wonderful my husband is at being a father. She didn't mention one thing about me. How does your husband feel about you not talking to his Mother? I didn't talk to my MIL for almost a year, but my husband grew very bitter toward me. Make sure that he doesn't hold any bitterness toward you. My husband almost left me cause of it. We are doing fine now. I am just cordial to her when I see her, and that's about it. 2/7 RESPONSE: X-ED OUT You have every right to be upset about the pictures thing. To me, that says pretty blatantly how she feels about you. That's very rude to cut you out of pictures that you're in, and very childish of her. How old are we anyway?? For crying out loud, those are your WEDDING pictures! You're supposed to be in them! You're not overreacting, in my opinion. It's good that your husband is supportive, but it sounds like he could be a bit more supportive. Doesn't he see something wrong with his mother cutting you out of your wedding pictures? I mean, I would hope that he would, because there's something definitely wrong with it! That makes me so mad for you! I'd keep your distance from his family as much as you can. They're probably not going to change in the near future, and they're only going to try to put a wedge between you and DH. Don't let them do that, because in their eyes they'll win. Hang in there! 2/7
	Please tell me how often is often enough for a Grandparent to see their grandchildren? My MIL has been complaining since my daughter's birth that she never sees my kids (I now have a son too). She saw my daughter 9 times in her first 6 weeks of life, and that wasn't enough. My daughter is now 4 and my son is 2. She saw them once a week, for the most part, and that was not enough. When she did see them, it was because I called and invited or asked her over. She doesn't feel it is her place to call and ask to see them. I say, if you are missing them and want to see them more, then make the effort to call and ask! Am I wrong? Please respond and tell me which one of us is being the biddy? 2/1 signed - Who's The Biddy Here? RESPONSE: Who's The Biddy Here? I am not sure who's wrong, different people, different attitudes. But, since she was the one complaining, she should have made more of an effort. My MIL was doing what you suggested, calling to invite herself over every week. And it irritated the hell out of me. If I had wanted company, I would have invited her over myself. But, that's just my opinion, because I like my privacy and she aggravates the crp outta me!!! She always makes a big deal out of not seeing my daughter. She has pretty big emotional needs, in my opinion. It's one thing to want to be part of someone's life, and another when you don't know when to quit. She has taken the attitude that we were lying or deliberately trying to keep our daughter away from her, because we had plans on three consecutive occasions. She acts like we should constantly change our plans to suit her needs! Every time I wasn't attending a family function, she would need to know where we were going and with whom. So, I avoided the calls. Thank God for caller ID! But, then she would stop by to get answers to her questions. I don't know why she needed to know. Even when my daughter was invited to a birthday party for a close friend of ours, she acted like we were lying to her. My husband got so mad, but wouldn't confront her on her behavior. I sent her the actual invitation to the party, along with a nasty letter basically telling her she's too nosy and needed to back off. I have had peace and quiet for about six months now!! It's been AWESOME! Now, my husband has to deal with her annoying ways. Oh well, this is not really an answer but more of a comment, sorry! 2/2 RESPONSE:* Who's The Biddy Here? I think that seeing grandchildren once a week is more than generous. With my families' schedule, my in laws are lucky if they see my daughter once a month -- I think your MIL needs to consider herself fortunate. 2/3 RESPONSE: Who's The Biddy Here? I have the same problem. My in-laws would like to see my daughter 7 days a week, but that's just not realistic. Plus, they annoy me to no end and act as if they are the parents, not us. I think they all need to get a life!! 2/5 RESPONSE: Who's The Biddy Here? I am in a very similar situation. I have a toddler, and my MIL insists on coming over to our place. I have a problem with people who are always wanting to come over and don't open up their homes to others. I get very worn out when she comes over with her husband. They stay for hours and don't leave until 11:30. I get tired of it. Plus, she is always making casual remarks about not being able to see us more. Well, WAKE UP! They are all alike! I swear. 2/7
	My MIL and BIL are two of a kind. My DH's parent divorced when both he and BIL were young. DH took on the role of "head of household" when it came to "manly duties" (i.e. house maintenance, fatherly role, etc.). That was 20 years ago. FIL is now, and has always been, in the picture but never seems to receive any credit. In fact, MIL has turned BIL completely against FIL by saying that he walked away, etc. Not true. DH realizes this and has maintained a healthy, loving relationship with FIL. When DH and I were planning our wedding/marriage, MIL and BIL held a private "family meeting" with DH and explained that he should never forget them just because he was moving away (a whole 30 minutes). I agreed that DH should always love his family and be there for family events, but part of marriage was two becoming one and I am his new family, as he is mine. DH agreed, and takes our marriage vows seriously. MIL and BIL don't see it that way. Both continue to give him grief because he doesn't come over weekly and he no longer cuts grass, does home maintenance, or helps out with other daily household things. In fact, harsh words have now been exchanged between them, because they feel he has "dropped" them for me and he sticks by me. BIL is perfectly capable of doing such things. He is just very lazy and likes to party and act like a teenager (he is in his mid twenties). When we announced our much planned pregnancy, the only comments we received from MIL and BIL were that we were too young (we were in our early 30s). MIL says that she cannot be excited because I will never "share" the baby with her or that she cannot see having to "share" the baby with her ex-husband and his wife. BIL says that the baby only means that I have a further stake in "owning" his brother. He has expressed his disappointment in my pregnancy several times. This pregnancy has been hard with threats of miscarriage and special attention. Not once has MIL or BIL called to check on me or even asked about me. We saw BIL this weekend at a huge event with over 30,000 people. He had the nerve to say to me, "Why don't you go on in and we will join you later." I was speechless. He really wanted me to go (alone and pregnant) into a huge event, at night, so that he could spend time with his brother. My DH immediately spoke up and said, "I don't think so". I am just thankful that my DH stands by me. He is a good man. Could someone please give me some feedback on what you think? I am bringing a precious child in this world soon, and I want to protect it (and me) from being treated so harshly. I realize that the problem is really a family/codependency problem, but the unhealthiness effects our family too. 2/5 signed - Overreacting, Or Rightfully Concerned? RESPONSE: Overreacting, Or Rightfully Concerned? You're not overreacting!! Your ILs obviously are angry that they can not control your husband anymore. I can't believe how selfish they are! If I were you, I'd put the brakes on that relationship immediately. Distance yourself from them, become involved in your pregnancy and new child, and encourage your husband to do the same. Those people are toxic. The more distance you create from them, the better. Your marriage will be the better for it. 2/6
	Note: This story moved here from 2/3/01 archives due to recent receipt of a response. My SIL has a 2 1/2 year old son who is really aggressive and is sometimes mean to my 2 year old son. SIL and BIL also teach their son to hit as a way of defending himself, which I totally disagree with. Here is my dilemma: SIL keeps suggesting that we watch each other's kids each week so we can have free time to ourselves. I personally get a lot of help from my DH, MIL and my own family, so I am not really interested in doing this, not to mention that her son is really aggressive. I don't know what to say, because I do not want to make her feel bad and cause bad feelings between us and bad feelings in the family. I have no problem watching her son or making play-dates for the two kids to spend time together, it is just leaving my son alone that I don't feel comfortable with. How should I handle this without having to reveal my true feelings and hurt her feelings? 1/18 signed - What To Do? Leave Son Alone With SIL? RESPONSE: What To Do? Leave Son Alone With SIL? Here is what I think: go ahead and offend her. If her kid is aggressive, and the parents are teaching him to hit to defend himself at that age, then there is a problem. This kid is a danger to your child and should not be alone with him. If you do not wish to watch her kid, don't. You have that right. 1/21 RESPONSE: What To Do? Leave Son Alone With SIL? I agree with the 1st response. You have every right to say, "I don't mind if they play together, but I prefer not to leave my child outside of my care at this point", or something to that affect. If SIL can't get the hint, then blatantly state, "I don't agree with the way you raise your child, and I'd prefer not to leave my child in your care." Some people just have thick skulls, they don't get it!! Your child is your ultimate priority. Do not leave your child with anyone if you feel you must second guess their parenting skills! Trust me, I can't leave my kids with my SIL either ... MIL is so/so ... ugh! 2/6
	MIL did bluntly say to me, one week after my marriage, that I should stay home and care for my children in the future, knowing that I am a Ph.D. student. Now that she knows that I am applying for jobs, she is pretending to be very supportive by asking me, almost every time I talk to her, about whether I've heard any good news from my interviewers. She seems to be obsessed with my job application process. I am just confused. I don't know whether to take her concern as a nice gesture, or a hypocritical attitude. My SIL did the same thing. She called me from abroad my first year of marriage to warn me that I should not work when I have a child. And now she was asking me to call her and let her know when I find out about jobs. How should I interpret this behavior? I was, of course, hurt and upset when they took it as their business in the past to tell me what to do with my life. I somehow cannot read their latest interest in my career as an innocent gesture. Are they being manipulative??? What do you think? 2/4 signed - Nice Gesture, Or Hypocritical Attitude? RESPONSE: Nice Gesture, Or Hypocritical Attitude? They were rude to have told you to stay home. But, now maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they have realized they were wrong, and are trying to make it up to you. Tell them that the job search is going great and thank them for asking. The best way to show them that their criticism was wrong is to not get yourself down by thinking they were just a little bit right. Be proud that your baby has a Ph.D. for a mom. Most kids aren't so lucky. 2/5 RESPONSE: Nice Gesture, Or Hypocritical Attitude? From what you say, or don't say, about you MIL and SIL, it doesn't sound like they are being hypocritical. It seems to me, from what you've written, that this is what you are focusing on in your life right now. So, they are curious and showing interest in what is taking place now. I would take it as a nice gesture, but you know them better than I do, so keep your guard up just in case. 2/5 RESPONSE: Nice Gesture, Or Hypocritical Attitude? I think the poster who said it MIGHT be fine, but keep your guard up, maybe had the right idea. All the evidence isn't in yet. My own mother is a good MIL (my SIL adores her!), but even SHE has been outspoken about how my SIL needed to stay home with her kids instead of having a career. I guess our parents' generation is very opinionated about that --they think it's the only way, since it's the way they did it. I was unhappy with my mother for being so stubborn about that. (I think she might have kept it to herself, though, and not been real tactless to my SIL.) I think your MIL and SIL were out of line to put that on you in the first place (I think my mother was out of line, too), but I guess it's POSSIBLE that they've altered their angle. Good advice to be nice to them, thank them, take it at face value -- and congratulations, by the way -- I'd be terribly proud and thrilled to get a Ph.D.! (They might really be proud of you -- they should be!) 2/6
	I remember one thing about my wedding, my new BIL's speech. (He was the best man, my H's younger brother). In his speech, he did not mention me once. All he talked about were the "Good old days," he and my H had. He talked about how much he would miss my H and said he wished he wasn't getting married, the last sentence thanked my MIL for helping him write it. I didn't even get a "welcome to the family" sentence. My MIL didn't say a word to me at the rehearsal or at the wedding. When I asked her why she hadn't spoken to me, she said, "Don't you think I had more important things on my mind? My son was getting married." YEAH, TO ME!! She is nuts. I have been married for three years, now, and she is still PSYCHO! There is a weird obsession she has with my H. She is at the fake stage now. Trying to show my H that she is trying. My H did tell her that I was more important now. She never calls me by name, ever. She only throws he r arm around me, acts like I am the greatest person in the world and says, "Oh, my DIL, now you have to deal with my son." The minute my H leaves the room, her arm comes off me and she follows him everywhere. SICK WOMAN! I can't take it anymore. There is so much more, I could go on for days, and like I said, I've only been married three years. How do you all do it? 2/1 signed - How Do You All Do It? RESPONSE: How Do You All Do It? We all do it by coming on this site and sharing our problems with each other. You can do the same. Every time she aggravates you, just tell us about it, and believe it or not, just knowing someone else knows how you feel is such a comfort, and helps you deal with situations better. 2/3 RESPONSE: How Do You All Do It? I, too, was barely mentioned in my FILs speech at my wedding. All he said was that some students would be fortunate to have me as their teacher. That was it. My parents said wonderful things about my DH, welcomed him into our family, and said, "We love you both." I, too, have been hugged by my MIL despite the cold hard reality that we dislike each other intensely. She claims to be an expert on reading body language, but has chosen to ignore the signs. I go all stiff. I put myself out of reach. I don't hug her!! Still she does it, but always in front of my DH. Recently, she and my FIL made my DH choose. He chose me. My marriage was put under great strain, and I am furious. They decided to pretend that the incident didn't happen. They came to our place for tea, and I was icily polite. I didn't smile once. I turned my back on my FIL while sitting at the table. End of the meal, I was given a big hug and kiss by my MIL. What I want is an apology and some respect, NOT this crap. 2/4 RESPONSE: How Do You All Do It? To the above respondent who said she wanted an apology from the in-laws - you really need to sit down and have a long talk with your husband. He might have officially chosen you, but his actions (inviting his parents for dinner while knowing how much it distresses you) speak volumes to his parents - THEY come first, not you. If his parents have hurt you in some way, why haven't you both demanded an apology before allowing them into your home? It's unfair of them and your husband to put you under this strain just for appearances' sake. If your DH is so eager to spend time with his parents, let him do it on his own time instead of forcing you to be polite to them. BTW, if they've done something terrible and your DH is still speaking to them, in spite of the LACK of apology, then HE'S the one who needs to be shown how hurtful it is to you that he's more concerned about his parents' feelings than he is about yours. 2/5 RESPONSE: How Do You All Do It? I can totally sympathize with the way you feel after your BIL's toast, and the way your new in-laws treated you after the wedding. My BIL also didn't say one word about me in either of his toasts -- at the rehearsal dinner or the wedding reception. And neither my new BIL nor my FIL danced with me at the wedding reception. AND (oooh ... I can just go on and on ...) my new MIL didn't say one single word to me at the reception, either. I shouldn't have been surprised, since she didn't say, "Thank you" or even, "Good-bye" at the Bridesmaids' Luncheon earlier that day. (Why did I even invite her and my crazy SIL?! I was trying to be nice, but never again.) And, after all that rudeness, there's more. My in-laws have still yet to compliment one thing about our lovely, lovely wedding and reception, and they have never thanked my parents for hosting such a great party. Some people! Needless to say, in the six months since our wedding, I've given up trying to be nice to the in-laws, and I no longer compliment them for anything. (Hell, they have such bad taste, it was hard to make up compliments anyway!) 2/5
	We were going to MILs for Christmas dinner one year, so I picked up an Irish Cream (the liquor) Cheesecake to take with us - it cost $30. When we got there, we saw that Christmas dinner was going to be ham sandwiches - exactly that - ham, bread and Mayo - no chips, salads or anything. I wanted to take my cake home with me! 2/3 signed - Ham Sandwiches for Christmas Dinner RESPONSE: Ham Sandwiches for Xmas Dinner I am curious as to what your husband said about this. Does your MIL dislike cooking? You could have said something like, "Gee, you shouldn't have gone through all this trouble. Peanutbutter and jelly would have been just fine." 2/4
	I'm glad to find this site where I have a lot of friends, I'm not alone anymore. I've been married for five years now. My BIL divorced his first wife because it seems she was having some mental problem called schizophrenia. He married again after I married his younger brother. From the day I entered their home, they looked upon me with doubt. They say that my eyes are big and beautiful, but something is wrong. I look at everyone and talk like the BIL's first wife, in other words, they think I'm kind of loose too. I'm a perfectly normal person. After that was over, my MIL was all cranky with me because my father did not write all the land and assets and deposits into their names. She told me to my face that they gave me their son because they thought my parents would give all my land and assets to them after marriage. Before marriage, I was driving a car (first hand). At the time of marriage, my dad promised I could keep the car and he would buy another. I liked that car. My in-laws came one day to negotiate about the car. Guess what? They said that my parents should give us a new car. Of course, my parents did not agree. The funny thing is that - my in-laws were saying that this was for my own good. If that were so, then why is it that my husband did not even bother to get a driver's license, and it was my BIL that ran first to get through the driving test? He was ready to drive the brand new car after his younger brother got married!! I'm basically a quiet person, not very talkative, especially to new persons. My in-laws, especially the sister-in -law, is the opposite. We are like the north pole and south pole. So, not only my in-laws, but the their whole family complains about this all the time. Why can't they accept me the way I am, a quiet, kind person?? My husband does not talk much either, even at my home. No one there is complaining about him! The worst --- my MIL insisted that I keep all my gold jewelry in her safe. My family and I were dead set against this, but my husband also insisted, so I complied. After a few months, I wanted to sell it because the price of gold was going down. Everyone tried to delay it. Finally, I was sent to the bank , with my SIL. Guess what? I put my hand into the locker to find a practically empty box!!! SIL acted shocked. She should be in the movies. Though she is round and strange, she will be picked for some role, maybe as the wicked witch of the east or something. I came running home to tell my husband. When I told him, he took it really calmly. I questioned my FIL about it. He told me that they put it in some bank and took a loan. I asked when it will be returned and he said that he didn't know. What am I supposed to think? How can I believe him? What if he sold everything? My husband got angry as I asked his father about when it would be returned. His parents have halos over their heads according to my husband. Whatever they do or say should be forgiven and forgotten. Well, I just can't! Then, MIL came over to me and started her motor mouth, saying all sorts of nonsense. "Your husband married you because we thought we could get a new car, ornaments, land etc. At the end, we got nothing." That day, I had just returned from my workplace, which is 250 km away, and I had bought her a dress for the first time. She was clutching onto that dress while she was shouting into my ears. Someone else in the family asked my husband to come and save my face, but he did not. He let me hear everything alone. She also told me that they did what they did with my jewelry with my husband's permission. I believe her, because during that time, my husband made many phone calls to them, which is unusual. Even today, he denies it. Who should I believe?? I will never forget that day. I could not talk to my husband about this because he can't tolerate anything being said about his parents. That day I returned to my parents home with my husband. The next day, I visited the home of another SIL. I told her everything. My MIL does not like her, as she is not good looking. Later, I came to know that this SIL did not like me because, even though my MIL doesn't like me, she would always say I look so good. This SIL is ugly, etc. So, SIL put me in the soup by adding a lot of masala and telling her husband everything I said (and did not say). Anyway, I got a bad name plus all my gold back because they were afraid that I would tell the whole world about their behind the door activities. Now, my gold is with me (and my deposits too). My in-laws insisted that my husband join some scheme. He never told me, but I came to know. I asked why he did not tell me. He said, "It is none of your business." I said nothing in return. Now I understand that he joined the scheme because he needed to return the money his parents spent for his marriage. This is something that does not take place in our society. It is the parents' responsibility to conduct the children's marriage. Because of all this and more, I just hate going to my hometown. Before our marriage, according to one of my SILs, my husband used to write to her, her family, and his parents (and send them cards etc.). After our marriage, he does not (as if it's my fault) I never told him to send or not send - that is his business. Now, I am in a foreign country, safe and away. But, next year we must go home for a month. How will I face these back biters and sick people? Basically, I hate people who marry for a dowry. If there is any social gathering, however sick my MIL is, she will come so that she can talk rubbish to my relatives (who are not interested in listening to her)! So, my parents try not to invite them to most of the functions. That is another one of her complaints - even my husband says, "Your parents could have informed my parents of the gathering". If I tell him the reason why they are not invited, he will soar to the ceiling. When there is a function, my MIL and SIL will take my jewelry and wear it, as and when they like. It is very evident because when I take the jewelry pieces out to wear them, they are full of soap or dirt and they don't have a brand new, shiny look. They wear them more than I do. So it goes, on and on. 2/1 signed - Help Me Face The Reality RESPONSE: Help Me Face The Reality Every new sentence in this story made my blood boil! I am angry for you! Sounds to me like your in-laws and husband are completely taking advantage of you. Actually, they seem to have just about told you that they are only interested in your money and possessions. I hope this isn't too harsh ... Run as fast as you can away from these disgusting leeches. You deserve a loving in-law family and (especially) a husband that loves and appreciates you! You cannot trust any of them. Stand up for yourself. Best of luck to you. 2/3 RESPONSE: Help Me Face The Reality It seems to me that you are from a different culture, where parents expect to get a dowry from their DIL??? This a totally unacceptable behavior. It seems that they are after your money, or your parent's money. That is terrible!! You need to be more assertive with these people, and draw the boundaries with them. Them wearing your jewelry is a total breach of your privacy. Hide the jewelry, tell them you have given them to your parents. It also seems to me that your husband is not very supportive either. He seems to be after your money too! Use your instincts here. You don't want to be around people who do not value you as a person for who you are. They seem to be only after your money. Good luck!! 2/3 RESPONSE: Help Me Face The Reality Holy crap. Let me get this straight ... Your IL's, and husband included, expect that they should have gotten your land, and all of your assets. And that your husband has actually played a part in trying to help them gain some of it? If so, DAMN THAT'S LOW! I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I just wouldn't want to stay with him if he were my husband and condoned this and treated me in that way. I wish I knew what to say or some way to help you L 2/3
	My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. And during our entire marriage, I have endured MIL problems. I have honestly tried so hard to get along with her, and I genuinely want her to like me, so I am constantly going out of my way, when she visits, to make her stay a wonderful one. But, the truth is, nothing I do is good enough, and she repeatedly tries to undermine me, or (strange as it sounds) compete with me. My MIL has, on at least 3 occasions during our marriage, given my husband a pornographic magazine - in my presence! Naturally it makes me livid, but more frustrating is my husband who doesn't want to confront his mother and merely says, "No thanks Mom." When DH is not around, she makes weird comments about how lucky I am to have such a handsome, Greek-God looking husband, etc. There have been times that, when my MIL finds out that DH is on his way home, she immediately starts primping and does her hair and makeup to greet him at the door. She is constantly fighting for his attention, which he fails to give her, because he feels totally smothered by her (she talks incessantly - stream of consciousness, and NEVER listens to others). It is absolutely exhausting to sit near her and try to follow what she is saying. During her last visit this past month, we took her out to dinner, and out of nowhere she said to me that I should be understanding if DH were ever out with the guys and they happened to drag him to a topless bar or something! The nerve! My husband and I are very active in our church, so I cannot understand why she would make such comments. It makes me feel inadequate despite being in perfect health and shape. Well, I was about to lunge at her across the table, and then looked at my husband with a look that said, "If you don't deal with it, I'll use my steak knife!" DH did tell his mom that he disagreed, but I don't feel he's forthright enough in dealing with his mom's strange behavior around relationships and sex. Besides, she won't let him get a word in edgewise if he does speak up. If there is ANY hint of confrontation, she changes the subject. Anything to ensure that her precious son is in complete agreement with her. It's almost like there is an Oedipus complex in reverse, where the Mom so desires her only son's attention and affection. I feel as though she believes that she is competing with me for DH's affection. What hurts most is that I try to get DH to appreciate his mom; I remind him to compliment her, and I even encourage DH to spend time with his mother, but he can't stand to be around her. After 10 minutes, we are both exhausted from listening to her stream of consciousness tales that make no sense. I believe there is some mental illness going on, but despite that, I am so angry at my husband for not supporting me during her jabs. I used to question myself ... what was I doing to deserve this? She constantly tells me how lucky I am to have DH since he is perfect. At least my MIL and I do agree on that ... my husband is a wonderful, handsome, intelligent, sensitive man who is a great provider and father. But I am no shrinking violet myself! I'm sick of the comments from MIL about how hard he works now that I quit work to stay home with our two young children. As if I sit around and eat bonbons all day long! I gave up my fast-track career as a Director at a fortune 500 company. I may not be using my MBA these days, but I do work hard taking care of a baby and a preschooler. I also do a great deal of desktop publishing work from our home office for our church. Despite my efforts, I just can't understand why it is that what I do never measures up for this woman! So, I've taken the reins into my own hands, because my husband has tried to avoid the issue too long. I will no longer accompany him when he visits her (thank goodness she lives in the Midwest and we live in California). And if her erratic behavior continues, I will not allow my two children to be in her presence. I have NEVER left them alone with her anyway, as she has absolutely NO interest in them. She is only concerned about trying to look younger (no doubt to compete with me for her son's attention). All of her plastic surgery on her face, eyes, nose, bust, and neck is wasted money as far as I'm concerned, because she needs therapy! As for me, this website is now my therapy! Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you so that I could get this off my chest! 1/27 signed - Endured Enough! RESPONSE: Endured Enough! You HAVE endured enough, and I wouldn't have a clue what advice to give -- but my heart goes out to you. You really sound like a lovely person, and I kind of suspect she's jealous of you -- she feels competitive with you, because in her warped mind someone with your qualities kind of shows her up, or something? She DOES sound mentally ill. Of course, she'd deny it furiously, and want no part of that kind of help. And what is it, anyway, about MILs giving their sons pornography? My in-laws have done something like that -- it seems passive-aggressive, like they just want to "innocently" rub it in my face that "men will be men." Oh. Want to hear something else weird? My MIL was cleaning out her books, and gave me one about HUSBAND-SWAPPING. My husband and I want no PART of even thinking about something like that (I know fantasies are fine, but that particular one does NOTHING for me -- just seems kind of sickening) -- but it makes me wonder about my holy, churchgoing in-laws and their past. My own MIL is someone, also, who is very invested in her looks, and in relationships with men (she thinks she's GREAT with men), but she's not a psychopath. I really feel bad for you -- I bet you have a lot of people who think well of you, and that means a lot when you're dealing with someone like her. You need a good support system, and I bet you have (or easily COULD have) one. I bet NOBODY can stand her. 1/28 RESPONSE From Poster: Endured Enough! This is directed to the person who responded to my story, which I signed "Endured Enough!" I can't tell you how much I appreciated your kind comments. I have struggled with this for so long that to hear your similar remarks was such a comfort. Also, I never laughed so hard when you said that your MIL gave you a book on Husband Swapping! What in the world is wrong with these hovering and smothering mothers to insinuate themselves into their son's sex life? You really made my day, and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your kind words and your wisdom more than I can say. One thing's for sure ... I have vowed that when my children grow up and choose a spouse in life, God help me, I will NOT be one of the MIL's profiled on this website! Thank you again ... you are an angel here on earth! 2/3
	My MIL came over to my house one day last week while I was at work. She let herself in with a key that I didn't know she had, and cooked a meal for my husband. As if that wasn't bad enough, she failed to clean up the mess afterwards. I suppose I should laugh -- at least now she just comes round when I'm not there. It's better than having to see her. 1/23 signed - She Failed To Clean Up Mess RESPONSE: She Failed To Clean Up Mess Bless your heart! I'd be furious about that. And I'd definitely be posting a long, furious message to this board. You sound very good-natured! 1/24 RESPONSE: She Failed To Clean Up Mess Time to change the locks!! 2/3
	My husband and I just got married ten months ago, and even back then I knew there would be problems because of our races. My family didn't have a problem with it, but I knew that his family would. I can't say it went that way, because when I first met my in-laws in December everyone loved me, and I really like all of them in return, especially my mother-in-law. But there is a HUGE problem between the two of us. We can't communicate with one another. I only know a little bit of Spanish and she only knows Spanish, so our journey has began. During our entire week trip down south, my mother-in-law and I had to communicate through my husband. I know he loves us both, but I am sure he got tired of translating. I wish I could tell my mother-in-law how wonderful it is to have another culture in my family and have such wonderful people in my life, but I can't. I wrote her a little and let the computer translate it into Spanish for me, but I haven't heard anything in return. I get the impression that I was right all along, and that there is a problem with our interracial marriage that his mother is not telling me about. I know that there is someone out there who can relate, but where are they? Here is my story, and I hope that it isn't one you hear every day. 2/1 signed - Not One You Hear Every Day RESPONSE: Not One You Hear Every Day I myself am from a different race, religion, and nationality from my husband. I believe that because of the way my mil and sil are, they would have problems with any daughter-in-law, even if she were from the same tribe as they are. These factors tend only to exaggerate a problem which is already there: nasty in-laws who think you have stolen their sons from them, or God knows what they think. I think that if people like you, they will accept you for who you are, and if they don't, they will invent every excuse not to. Otherwise, we would not hear so often of these horrific stories of in-law problems between people of the same race, religion, caste, and tribe even!!! 2/3 RESPONSE: Not One You Hear Every Day Have you ever thought of trying to learn some Spanish so you can better communicate with your mil? She might appreciate it. 2/3 RESPONSE: Not One You Hear Every Day If possible, try to learn more Spanish. I have learned a lot about my husband's relationship with his mother by what they say and how they speak to each other. Also, Good Luck if he happens to be the first born son. 2/3