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Archives 2/24/01
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My MIL is a good cook.  My husband thinks that I am one too, and says that that was one of the things he was looking for in a wife J.  However, whenever I say something to my MIL about something that he doesn't like to eat, she makes the comment, "Well, he sure did like it when he lived at home.  How do you make yours?"  One of those things is meatloaf.  My husband frowns whenever I make meatloaf (which is seldom, but I like it) and he claims that because she made it so often, he got sick of it.  The same goes for peaches.  My husband hates peaches, but she claims that he loved them when he lived at home.  I wonder what is she trying to prove here?  Is it that she is a better cook?  Or that her memory is failing her?
2/1
        signed - Memory Failing? ? ?

RESPONSE:  Memory Failing? ? ?
I think your mother in law is worried that her son is going to like your cooking better than hers.  Anybody else agree?
2/5
RESPONSE:  Memory Failing? ? ?
I'd guess that:  1) Her memory is starting to go and she really does think he loved that food item when he lived there.  2) She IS afraid you're taking her place.  I think that a lot of women define themselves very narrowly, so, when their children grow up and don't need a "mommy" (even though they would still like a "mother"), it threatens them.  They may be saying, "If I can't be a mommy anymore, they don't need me and won't love me".  They refuse to examine themselves.  Redefining themselves is far too frightening for these women, and it's sad for their families.  My MIL, who has her good moments as well as her awful moments, has flat out said that there is one queen bee in this family, and I'm it.  With that attitude, as well as some other gems, she has totally alienated her eldest son's wife (who hasn't visited the house in the last 10 years except when we had a death-by-cancer scare for FIL about 5 years ago).  The other DIL's, who aren't quite so terminally PO'd, come around about 2 times a year, but that's it.  Between that attitude and the smell of the house (cats who spray AND IL's who can't smell it, and WON'T get rid of the cats), NOBODY wants to sleep there.
2/6
RESPONSE:  Memory Failing? ? ?
I agree with the first poster -- she feels jealous and threatened (maybe subconsciously).  The MIL, that is.  I wrote this story to this website before, but I was astonished once at the unfairness of my MIL.  My husband was very overweight and unhealthy (a very bad complexion) when I met him.  He was living with his parents, and his mother would serve meals like pirogues, milk, white bread, and butter.  Or breaded chicken, milk, white bread, and butter.  Heaven forbid she'd ever go to any trouble, or make a salad, or anything.  Anyway, when we got married, we DID eat salads, and a variety of healthier things, and my husband lost weight (he wears pants a waist size smaller than before) and his complexion cleared up.  I was AMAZED when my MIL took me aside one day and told me, "We think **** is overweight.  Now, we know you like to COOK."  She went on about how he USED to be (i.e., when he lived in her house) "really muscular" -- but, as a result of my cooking, he'd gotten fat.  He does tend to be on the heavy side, because he eats a lot of whatever food is on hand (and I do worry about this -- he's a sweet, kind man, and I don't want him to have a heart attack), but the deluded thing about what she said is, he was HEAVIER, with a TERRIBLE COMPLEXION, when he lived on her fattening, unhealthy diet -- and since he married me, he LOST weight.  I guess our MILs will tell themselves anything to feel good about themselves.
2/6
RESPONSE:  Memory Failing? ? ?
I agree with the second response.  What an astute observation!  I thought this response was incredibly insightful.  Many of our MILs have either defined themselves too narrowly, or are unwilling to give up their "queen bee" status.  That is why they're having difficulty in their personal relationships.  Well said!!
2/7
RESPONSE:  Memory Failing? ? ?
I agree.  MIL might be a bit worried that her son will never ever eat her cooking now that he's married.  But why would she think she'd be his exclusive cook for life?
2/8
RESPONSE:  Memory Failing? ? ?
I think that your MIL is mean to you, and the title of your story reminded of all the mean things my SIL and I do to our mean MIL.  She has done some really terrible things to both of us, and we get her back.  Here is what we do:  We live in a very small town, by the way, where everyone hates her because she makes rude comments and often hurts people's feelings.  So, most are glad to help us out.  We have tricked MIL into thinking her mind is gone, or that she has Alzheimer's.  My friend is her hairstylist and doesn't like her and when we told her about the plan she was glad to help out.  Whenever MIL shows up for an appointment, she tells her, "your appointment was for yesterday afternoon and you didn't show up.  Did you forget again?"  She always shows her the appointment book from the day before so MIL thinks she did forget even though it is all a trick.  When she calls me or SIL, we tell her, "oh, hello again, did you forget something?" and when she says no, we tell her "well, you just called two minutes ago."  Me and SIL both have caller ID and tell her that we just got home and saw she had just called.  She can't remember calling - hmm that's strange.  We often laugh and tell her she is confused and ask if she is ready for the home.  The local bartender, who is my dear friend's husband, and who was snubbed by her many times, often tells her what a wild night she had in his bar the night before, and of course MIL says, "Really?", or, "Are you sure?"  But we do it so often, and so many people are involved, that she does get scared.  I know this sounds like a cruel torture, but trust me, it couldn't happen to better woman!
2/16
RESPONSE:  Grandma Won't Admit The Obvious
This sounds exactly like something I expect my MIL to do once my husband and I have a child.  It's several years down the road, but this is exactly how she is.  This is one of many reasons I plan to keep my kids as far from her as I can, with limited access.  I already know what to expect with this situation.  If our child comes out looking like my husband, she is going to throw it up to me FOREVER, and she will also harp on it constantly with everyone else.  If the child ends up looking like me, she will STILL tell everyone who will listen that he/she looks like my husband or someone else in the family.  I have a feeling that, if we ever have a girl, my MIL is going to tell everyone on the planet that she looks just like my DH's sister.
2/16
Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like the DILS who are laid back and don't care if their MILS like them or not, who basically just want their privacy and to be left alone, are the ones who get all the attention they can handle and then some.  Maybe some MILS can sense that their DILS want so much to be liked, or try hard to be "perfect", and that is why they treat them so nastily.  I feel that they do it on purpose, because the caring DILS are the ones who get dumped on.  I'm not saying it is a bad thing to be polite or to care if someone likes you, and to want to make a good impression, but maybe MILs pick up on this and use it to their advantage.  That's the way it seems after reading some of the stories here.  In my situation, the more I tried to distance myself from my intrusive MIL, the more she vigorously pursued me.  I felt like prey being hunted down by a love hungry MIL!  I tried to keep some distance, because I'm a person who needs privacy, and she just either refused or didn't pick up on the signals I kept giving.  These are my feelings on being a daughter-in-law:  I'll try to do my part by attending family gatherings (like baby and bridal showers, and holiday events) and talk with my MIL on the phone a few times a month, but leave me alone the rest of the time.  I won't show up at your (MIL's) house, unless invited by you and you can show me some respect by doing the same.  Do not call to invite yourself or just drop in.  We don't need to be best friends.  I tried that, but you just kept pushing for more and it was never enough.  Thanks for letting me vent!
2/15
        signed - Victim Of A Love Hungry MIL

RESPONSE:  Victim Of A Love Hungry MIL
Stop giving hints and just talk to her like an adult.  Be respectful and explain why you feel like you do.  You may think the hints are pretty obvious but not everyone would.  Some people are just evil, and can't be helped, but at least she wants to be a part of your life, and welcomes you into the family.  It could be a lot worse.
2/16
RESPONSE:  Victim Of A Love Hungry MIL
Amen!  I think you're exactly right.  Here's hoping your post will help some struggling DILs who are driving themselves crazy trying to accommodate predatory MILs.  There's nothing to be lost by following your own instincts and feelings (which might well be saying,"avoid her"!).  I remember forcing myself to play hostess when my ILs invited themselves over, and my MIL was incredibly rude to me.  She's normally a gushing, effusive person always talking about how "WONNNDERFUL" everything is -- especially my husband, her only child.  I remember dragging myself out to "be there" for them when they came over.  We'd be talking and she'd say, "You know I'm not INTERESTED (in that topic)."  I figured she'd appreciate it if I told her about my DH's accomplishments (since she would rather hear about him than me), but to my astonishment, she began to hum, and then turned her back on me and walked away while I was talking!  Then she went and stood with my DH and began asking him questions!  So, I decided I'd just follow my feelings and AVOID her when she came over, and let my DH deal with her.  That's what I've done ever since.  We're both happy!  Why force things?  Oh, by the way, last Christmas (she only lives 10 minutes away, but I only see her maybe three or four times a year now - and that's plenty!) she was SO nice to me!!  She said, "I know you're busy, but I can't get enough of you!"  Sweet!  Definitely, stopping being a martyr and following your own instincts about things.  You'll have good results.
2/16
I have the feeling, based on what some of you have been through, that a number of you might have some insight as to how I can deal with one of my husband's relatives.  Do you know how some people are real intrusive and aggressive -- hurtful, even -- in the name of "just kidding", or, "it was all in fun"?  Well, he's one of those people.  Except for my MIL, I don't have problems with any of my husband's relatives -- they've been lovely -- except this guy.  He started in on me within seconds of first meeting me, insinuating things like I wear the pants in the family -- just this real unflattering stuff.  I'm sensitive, and it was really tiresome.  I was so surprised at a brand-new acquaintance "kidding" me in such a disrespectful way, I didn't know what to say.  When we left that evening, I couldn't bring myself to say, "Nice to meet you" -- I just left, saying good-bye to the other relatives.  My question is -- would you folks happen to have any tips about how to deal with this character if I see him again?  (Thank God, he lives far, far away -- but he does come to this area, where many of the other relatives live, fairly frequently.)  BTW, I think my MIL enjoyed IMMENSELY his picking on me -- she seemed very pleased!  But I can't prove it.  I think the other relatives, whom I truly love, were embarrassed by it, including my DH and my FIL.
2/13
        signed - Dreading The Next Meeting

RESPONSE:  Dreading The Next Meeting
Hmmm, these are tough people to deal with, but we've all had to do that at one time or another.  First off, take comfort that this jerk probably does this with everyone, and its not just YOU.  People that know him probably regard him as a jerk, and so his comments are no reflection on you.  However, that doesn't mean you have to take his crap lying down.  One tactic is to "kid" back!  When he made the comments about you wearing the pants in the family, you could have cocked your head to one side with a puzzled expression and said, "And after knowing me for five seconds, you reached this conclusion?  How?"  Then laugh like he's just so silly!  Don't let his "jokes" go unchallenged.  If you're not the sort to be able to do that, you can try just being very direct with him.  When he makes a rude comment, just smile sweetly and say, "I know you're just kidding, but it makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that."  If he comes back with something indicating that you're overreacting, just reply, "You might be right, but I'd still appreciate it if you didn't make jokes at my expense."  Don't apologize, and don't let him make you feel silly.  By saying you might be right, you're being non committal, but still asking for his cooperation.  Only a butt-head would continue making jokes after that.  If he does, you have every right to walk away from him and ignore him.  If your husband backs you up, all the better.  Good luck!
2/15
RESPONSE From Poster:  Dreading The Next Meeting
This is the poster writing.  I REALLY appreciate what the respondent wrote - thank you.  That is good advice, and it makes me feel instantly stronger and fortified to deal with him in the future, if and when I have to (let's face it, I WILL have to).  Heartfelt thanks!
2/16
I was married once before, and met my current husband at work.  We have been married now for eight years.  When I first met my mother-in-law, she gave me the cold shoulder, and made it pretty clear to me that she did not approve of her only son seeing me, let alone marrying me.  She kept trying to get us to church, which, of course, there was nothing wrong in that, but it was the way she did it, as if I was not good enough to love her son.  Anyway, we finally go, I got saved, and then God called me into the ministry.  And, after that, my mother-in-law then, finally, at least started talking to me when we would go down there to visit.  She still never comes over to our house, even though I have invited them on quite a number of occasions, but they never come.  They only live about twenty minutes from us, and when I try to talk to my husband about it, he just makes excuses for her, like, that she does not like all of our pets.  I think that is a very poor excuse for not coming to visit us, because my cats would never even go around her at all when she comes over, and I vacuum and keep a clean home most of the time.

When my dad died, he left me some inheritance, and this weekend we went, after church, to visit my husband's parents.  My husband and all the rest were outside except for me, my son, and my mother-in-law, and just out of the blue she asks me how much my father left me?  I don't feel this was a very Christian attitude to have, nor any of her business, but I told her the truth, because I am a minister, and I am not going to lie to her, even though it was none of her business.  I am praying for her today, and I am considering going to her alone and telling her I thought it was wrong.  If she would have been asking out of concern, not nosiness, I could have more easily overlooked it, but it was just plain being nosy.  Right before that, I was commenting about their monitor heating system and how nice it was, and she made a tart comment like, "Well, why don't you take some of that money you got stashed up in the bank and go get one?"  I just think it is not any of her business, it was very unchristian in attitude to me, and how does she know what I have in my regular banking account?  She made this comment to me before I told her about what my dad left me.  Yet this woman attends a Church of God church, professes to live a Christian life, reads/studies her Bible, and all that jive, but if you ask me, she still obviously does not understand God's love and grace as He would truly desire her to!  Should I confront her about how I feel about all of this?  How should I handle her nosiness next time?
2/13
        signed - Desiring To Do Right!

RESPONSE:  Desiring To Do Right!
In my personal opinion, you shouldn't confront her.  What's done is done, and what's said is said.  HOWEVER, get your brain ready for the next nosy question, because we all know there WILL be a next one.  Either don't "hear" the question, or tell her that that's personal/private and you don't feel comfortable discussing it.  Decline nicely to talk about it.  When you get angry or nasty (however well deserved a reaction it may be) you let her win, at least in part.  When you stay firmly enough in control to stay nice, civil and polite, AND uninformative, YOU WIN!  There's no reason in the world you should discuss private things if you choose not to.  As long as you stay civil in your refusal to discuss things, she has no call to get angry with you.  Lets face it, there are an awful lot of people who ask nosy, inappropriate questions that are none of their business.  We all need to know how to handle these questions, for our own personal comfort level.
2/14
RESPONSE:  Desiring To Do Right!
Apparently, your finances are something that she has been wondering about, as if it's any of her business!  Here is an answer someone wrote in response to my entry about my MIL's intrusiveness.  I don't think it's word for word, but here goes:  "That isn't something I care to discuss, but thanks for your concern."  You can leave out the last part, if it sounds too sarcastic to you.  It doesn't sound mean to me - you're just stating your feelings on the subject.  Maybe she'll realize that it was an inappropriate question!  Best of Luck to you.
2/14
RESPONSE:  Desiring To Do Right!
Should anyone ask you another question about something that's none of their concern, just say, "It's nobody's business."  Upon further inquiry, say, "It's nothing personal, we're just not sharing that information." This way, you don't have to lie, and you don't have to tell, either!
2/15
RESPONSE:  Desiring To Do Right!
Miss Manners suggests that when people ask intrusive questions you just
smile and say, "Why do you ask?"  I must remember that!
2/15
RESPONSE:  Desiring To Do Right!
What a GREAT response the last respondent sent in.  That person suggested responding to inappropriate, nosy questions with, "Why do you ask?"  Oh, that's great!!  I should write it down and memorize it!!
2/16
When I had my daughter, she looked very much like my husband. As she grew older, she looked so much like DH's side of the family, and was told that so often, that it was getting so aggravating.  I sometimes felt like his family was acting as if I had no part in her makeup whatsoever!  Then, my son was born.  OH MY GOSH!  He was a spitten image of his papa (my dad) and I.  The only part that looks like my husband is his long thin feet.  I was so glad, but NOW my MIL keeps making comments about how SHE thinks he looks like DH.  She knows that EVERYONE thinks he looks like me, but fails to admit it herself.  She will say, "Today, I think he looks like (daddy's name), don't you think?"  I always say, "No, not really."  I don't know what else to say.  HELP! !
2/11
        signed - Grandma Won't Admit The Obvious

RESPONSE:  Grandma Won't Admit The Obvious
I can sympathize.  When my first baby, a girl, was born, she looked like her dad.  My MIL said that my husband would have to claim her since she looks like him.  She had told me, my SIL (my BIL's wife), and both of her sons that, most likely, our babies weren't "her boy's'" babies.  When my second baby, a boy, was born, he looked like me, and takes after my family.  My MIL came to the hospital, took one look, and told her son that, since the baby looks nothing like him or his family, that he is not his, - then she left.  The a$$hole believed her!  So did his brother, whose own daughter, by the way, takes after my SIL's family (therefore, she must not be his either, right?)  According to MIL, that's how it is - and what MIL believes must be true.
2/12
RESPONSE:  Grandma Won't Admit The Obvious
Your MIL sounds like a lot like mine.  She says that my daughter looks like my husband's cousin.  Everyone else says she looks exactly like me.  When I've gone to pick up my daughter from school over the last few years, different people have said this to me. When I went to my family reunion a few years ago, my Dad's cousin, who had never seen my daughter before, came up to me and said, "Wow, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."  Even when I took her to my new hair stylist to get her hair cut, she said that she looks a lot like me.  I think my MIL does it just to aggravate me.  Parts of her look like my DH, but mostly she looks like me.  We have the same hair and eye color.  My sister even said that she looks just like me when I was little.  She said this at a function, in front of my MIL.  I bet she was fuming later to her husband.  Just keep up your good comebacks.
2/12
RESPONSE:  Grandma Won't Admit The Obvious
I can't believe how tactless and tiresome your MILs (the poster and the respondents) are to go on about this.  It must be so tiresome for you.  Is there no such thing as a tactful MIL, who can keep her mouth shut and be supportive of her DIL? (I guess it wouldn't be so bad to hear her going on about how the baby doesn't look like your family, if you sense that she IS supportive of you, and she's just making a very innocent remark.  But your cases don't sound like that!)
2/13
First of all, this site provides me with the utmost relief!  I thought I had the worst MIL, but some of you have me topped.  Well, at least I think so, but I'll let you be the judge of that.

My MIL has three sons, each from different fathers.  She favors her first son way above the others, and has even stated as such.  My husband and the other brother have HUGE insecurity problems based upon their childhood.  She would beat them, but never touch the other son; make them wear old clothes or cheaper ones, but buy the "golden child" new brand name expensive sneakers.  My husband talks to me about this all the time, so I know it still bothers him.  All three sons are married, and she cannot stand any of us DILs.  She talks about us to each other when the other is not around.  She bad mouths her other son (not the golden child) when he is not around as well.  She is clearly not a happy person, as she always has to have a rift going with someone, usually a family member.  I truly believe that she thrives on it.  She has been successful in ruining my husband's first marriage, but I won't let her do it to mine.  She tried to wreck (and still is) the other son's marriage, absolutely loathes his wife, and makes no attempts to hide it.  She is cruel to them right to their faces.  My husband works for her and his stepfather, and though my husband basically runs the business, she gives him meager wages, treats him like crap, threatens him with harsh comments, and tries to make him feel guilty.  Then she starts in on me, though it is always sneaky.  She acts all sincere and hurt, and wants to know why I don't come around, or talk that much.  I have nothing to say or hear.  I am begging my husband to go out on his own, or to get another job elsewhere, as he has the knowledge and means to do so.  However, she throws a guilt trip on him every time he mentions it, such as, "Do you realize what your (step)father has done for you?"  This was said in a hateful, sickening way.  As in, he adopted you so you owe him and it will take a long time (and possibly counseling) to get over that and other statements she has made.  My husband was an infant when the adoption occurred, and had nothing to do with that.  His stepfather had better get some balls (sorry) or that company will surely go down the drain.  He lets her rule his life, and he is as miserable as the rest of us.  He just drinks to take away the pain, which is sad.

She also is very jealous of us DILs and our families.  All three of us have well-adjusted, great, loving families.  Holidays are just a mess now.  No one can even enjoy them.  Everyone has to stop all their plans and rearrange them around her or she will fly into a tizzy.  Everything has to be done HER way, and everyone must agree with HER or they are dirt.  Even if things do go her way, she finds something to complain about.

Well, I have refused to go over there anymore. That is the only way that I can stay sane.  I could go into great detail of some of the things that she has done, but she probably reads this site so that she can "catch" one of her bad DILs in something, so I won't.  At least, not yet ... No need to reply, just needed to get a little out of me.  Thanks for listening.
2/3
        signed - Just Needed To Get A Little Out Of Me

RESPONSE:  Just Needed To Get A Little Out Of Me
My MIL also has a very blatant, favorite son, and it is not my husband.  We have learned, over the years, to make it our own little inside joke, although it really hurts him.  After twelve years of the cruelty of this woman, I finally had to convince him to play dirty and basically "use" our children to get back at her.  When she began showing obvious favoritism to one grandchild (star brother-in-law's), and being ugly to our three, we simply told her that we refused to subject them to her.  We told her that my husband could handle her cruelty towards him because the damage is done, but we would not let her destroy three more little defenseless people.  We told everyone that our door was always open on holidays, but that we would not gather at her house any longer, and that we had decided to begin our own special family traditions with our children.  I basically had to fight fire with fire.  I know children should never be put in the middle, but I feel it was right because our children were well aware of the way their father was treated.  I basically see it as protecting my children from child abuse from this bitter person.  Remember, no matter how horrible she is, you can find comfort in the fact that she is the one who has to live with being her!  It will hurt your husband, but he really needs to break free of her.  It will be hard to start a new job, or whatever he decides, but it will be harder to sit back and watch him suffer for the rest of her days.
2/15
I generally get along with my MIL.  After my husband and I were engaged, she began constantly throwing in my face what happened with my BIL and his wife's wedding.  My BIL's wife supposedly excluded my MIL from their wedding.  Well, it turns out my MIL was trying to put herself into their wedding ceremony, and she was doing the same thing to me and my husband.  There were a few times when she would call me and ask me for telephone numbers of people I was dealing with for planning.  When we were picking out a dress for her, she came right out and said to my face, "I am going to be the star of the wedding."  When I showed her my wedding ring, she grabbed it and tried it on.  Basically, she is a self-centered person who wants control of everyone and wants her way all the time.  I feel like she is bullying me around.  She has no consideration for the way I feel.  There have been some good times, but it always seems like the conversation is about her, and she always has something negative to say to me.  The current situation is that I finally have my pictures back from the photographer.  She expected my husband to give them to her the next day.  She never even asked me.  She is ordering enlargements for everyone on her side of the family, which is something that I planned to do for next Christmas.  I attempted to nicely tell her what I had planned to do with the pictures.  She told me, "Well, I don't want to wait that long".  Being that I paid a good chunk of change for the pictures and that they belong to my husband and I, shouldn't I have first say??????  What do I do about her bullying me around???  She has no respect for me, whatsoever.  My husband is very close to her, but he always stands up for me, and sees what is going on.  Even though he stands up to her, it just never seems to end.  I don't want to be rude to her.  I would never want to hurt her, but she is pushing me to the point where I avoid her, and I shiver at the thought of talking with her, because I know where it's headed.  HELP!!!!
2/14
        signed - I Shiver At The Thought Of Talking With Her

RESPONSE:  I Shiver At The Thought Of Talking With Her
When you and your husband feel that your mother-in-law is imposing her will on you or asking something of you that is unreasonable, you are going to have to decide if you want to give in to her to keep the peace, or stand up for yourselves.  She may be a person with whom you want to choose your battles.  As far as your wedding pictures go, personally I would stand up to her and have your husband tell her (its better if he does it, and after all, it is HIS mother!) that you both decided you will be giving enlargements of the pictures as gifts.  If she chooses to get upset, so be it.  Maybe there's a compromise somewhere?  From what you said, it sounds like your MIL might be one of those people that use their considerable temper to bully and threaten people.  "Do what I want, or else!"  You can't, and shouldn't, let that mean that she gets to push you around.  She is responsible for her behavior and reactions.  If she gets angry that you're not allowing her to take the wedding pictures, too bad.  Now, if she asks for something that isn't unreasonable but maybe annoying, you may want to let it go for the sake of peace, and take satisfaction in being the bigger person.  Try to view things objectively.  As long as you don't feel trodden upon and you are setting limits with her, you're doing okay.  Best of luck to you!
2/15
RESPONSE:  I Shiver At The Thought Of Talking With Her
You said it best when you said the words "avoid her".  Be nice, be polite, be distant.  She is not your mother.  She is not your friend.  She will continue to try to manipulate the situation until you draw a line in the sand.  You don't have to be mean or rude about it.  Plus, you are a better person than that, and believe me, niceness kills bad every time.  Good luck!  Keep us posted.  You are among many here who "feel your pain". J
2/15
RESPONSE:  I Shiver At The Thought Of Talking With Her
One thought comes to mind.  I've seen this happen, and let me tell you that any MIL who tries to be the star of her son's or daughter's wedding ALWAYS makes a pathetic spectacle of herself.  You don't have to worry.  She won't take anything away from YOU.  If anything, people will just feel sorry for you (watching her trying to be the star) and find her amusing and laughable.  For her own sake, she should rethink that, and just try to be supportive of you.  She'll be making a fool of herself.  I bet other people who read this can also think of MILs who have tried to be the "star" of their children's weddings - it's not pretty!
2/15
RESPONSE:  I Shiver At The Thought Of Talking With Her
She sounds controlling and demanding.  You should set the boundaries now by standing up for yourself.  If she tries to push her own ideas and opinions on you (she sounds like the type), you should state your own ideas and opinions.  Let her know that you have a mind of your own, and won't be intimidated into giving in to her demands!  Best of Luck to you.
2/15
RESPONSE:  I Shiver At The Thought Of Talking With Her
 Yes.  Those pictures are yours, and no one else's.  If you want to give them to people as gifts, she has no right to step on your toes and do it herself.  I got married last June, and my husband's mother tried very hard to insert herself into the wedding planning.  She invited herself to the florists, and then thought that she would have the final say about what we were getting.  I wanted lilies -- simple and elegant.  She wanted orange blossoms and herbs and lots of floofy things.  Well, that was the first time I put my foot down.  Things elevated to her deciding that she should dictate what flower girls and ring bearers wore -- well, my mother was making the dresses for the girls (3) and we had instructed the parents of the ring bearers to go and get tuxedos for the kids -- which we would pay for.  Anyway, I got my way in the end, because my husband stood up for me and told me that I had to stand up for myself as well.  Then, she decided that my DH's father should not have to rent a tux, and that they would buy him a sportcoat instead.  That was about the final straw.  I called them and gave them a very hard time, because -- in the first place --they gave DH a hard time because we wanted to have a casual wedding.  When we couldn't find a venue, and things started to take on a more formal feel, they were the ones who criticized DH for not wanting to wear the tux -- tradition and all that.  Then, they decide that the father of the groom doesn't have to get dressed up?  I about had a cow.  They told me this right before we were leaving to go camping for a weekend, and all I could think of the whole weekend was that they had some nerve.  As soon as we got back, I called them and told them that, not only would they be renting a tux, but that they would be expected to a, b, and c, and pretend that they enjoyed it.  It was a hard conversation to have, because I had never really laid it all out for them before.  You see, when MIL got married, her mother and MIL planned everything.  So she thought that she would get to plan mine -- even though I'm almost 30!  But, she didn't want to pay for anything.

We got married in June.  We finally got our "proofs" (which turned out to be 1-inch wide thumbnails -- one roll of film to a sheet of paper).  Our contract stated that we would also get the negatives, but those came some months later -- sometime in October.  I brought them to MIL's for Thanksgiving, and she wanted to have enlargements made, and then give them back to me "sometime". Well, I had already planned to do that for all family members, so I simply told her that I was "way ahead of her" and that I couldn't leave them with her.  When she got the photos as a Christmas gift, all she had to say was "I wouldn't have chosen these ..." What I said back to her was that she could then make a list of all the photos she wants, write me a check, and I would take care of them.  That wasn't good enough for her, and she tried to convince me to leave my negatives there with her.  I refused -- because I don't trust her at all.  Sometime in January she finally realized that I wasn't going to bend to her wishes.  She made a list of the photos she wanted and gave it to me.  I have yet to receive a check (money's tight right now with me and DH) so I have yet to order her photos.  It's a constant struggle.

Anyway, to make a long story short, whenever I think MIL or FIL are going over the line, I call them on it.  Because of that, I don't get physically ill worrying about what's going to happen next (I used to).  I don't sit and think "If she says X, I'll say Y".  I have empowered myself to be able to deal with whatever is thrown at me.  I'm not saying everything's hunky-dory.  I still get angry and frustrated.  But I don't bottle it anymore.  So stand up to your MIL!  Don't let her dictate anything to you -- it's your life!
2/15
I guess misery loves company!  I'm relieved to see that others share my unfortunate plight!  Not only is my MIL a source of aggravation for me, she and her precious son (my odious BIL) have been quite successful in making me feel uncomfortable every chance they get!  I have only been married a year now, but the problems with those two have been evident from the start of our relationship.  For the sake of my husband, I've endured vicious remarks about my heritage, religion, and looks, whenever we visited them.  (Mind you, this isn't a "mixed marriage" as it would seem, because we share the same ethnicity and religious background.)  There have been times when I questioned our marriage (prior to and presently) due to the fact that every holiday spent with these callous clods would inevitably be ruined.  I cannot tell you how often I would want to get up and leave because I could not tolerate their insulting behavior anymore!  Unfortunately, we have to drive nearly 2 hours away to their home, and I'm subsequently trapped there until my husband decides that it's time to leave.  (I don't want to curtail his visits with his family, as he hardly sees them.  If I prevented him from going, he would only resent ME, and not them.)  My FIL is a nice fellow, but is very passive, unfortunately.  It is not my place to put his family in their place.  When the brainless barbarians act up, they think that they are being funny, even though I find their humor to be very tasteless, and usually at my expense.  I get upset, but try to handle myself as gracefully as humanly possible.  My husband is about as brave as a dishrag when it comes to defending me.  He is somehow oblivious to everything, until I get into a heated argument with him before, or after, we visit.  I have had more than one occasion of leaving his parent's home in tears.

Last Christmas was the last straw.   Since my husband and I are saving for a house, we decided to cut back on expenses by doing a "Secret Santa" instead of buying everyone a gift.  It was well received by both our families, as it cut down on the normal holiday pressure as well as cost.  We drew names from a hat, and set a limit on the gift to be between $50 and $100, to ensure that it would be a nice one.  My BIL (who is in his early 30's, and not a baby) announced that he wanted a brand name portable stereo system that cost about $300!  Of course, I was the lucky one who picked his name.  My husband & I found one that was comparable in quality, as well as fitting our price range.  I figured that if that's what he wanted, I would at least give it my best shot.  Christmas came, and I eventually found out that my evil BIL had me as well.  My gift?  A candle shaped like a wizard with boxing gloves.  I was shocked, and sick to my stomach to think that I went out of my way to get him the gift that he wanted (as well as help out my MIL with her gift for my husband) and all I got was a lousy candle!  My face was on fire, but finally I found a small card hidden under the tissue paper in the bottom of the box.  It was a gift certificate for $100, and I was actually relieved.  I'm not a materialistic person, but what's fair is fair.  Everyone in the room started laughing at me.  I was very hurt, but tried to be a good sport about it, as it was Christmas.  I asked why the boxing gloves, and his reply was, "I figured you'd kick my ass when you found out that I just got you a candle!"  It was done deliberately to make me the butt of his cruel joke.  But the icing on the cake was when my MIL loudly announced during our meal that I hated my BIL.  Needless to say, this is not my idea of dinner conversation.  I'd defended myself by saying that the only reason I disliked him before, and not now, was because he was mean spirited and rude to me all the time.  I felt increasingly unwelcome, and decided that I'd better use work as an excuse to nudge my husband to take me home.  That was the last time I've spoken to them or went there.  I told my husband he's more than welcome to visit his folks any time he wishes, just count me out.  I'm DONE!  I've asked others (including my family, who have always made my husband feel welcome) about what to do.  They agree that avoiding them is the best answer.  My sister had read something about "toxic in-laws," and said that they fit the profile.  I love the freedom of not dealing with their petty garbage, but my husband is giving me a guilt trip.  He thinks that we should all sit down and resolve our differences.  Let me tell you, we've done that before, and it apparently didn't work.  I've told him that they have had too many chances in the past, and I refuse to deal with them anymore.  Am I doing the right thing by being stubborn, or is there another alternative?  Please advise!  Thanking you in advance!
2/11
        signed - I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore!

RESPONSE:  I'm Mad As Hell
I agree with your decision, totally.  It was ironic, reading your story.  Instead of an evil BIL, mine is a SIL.  Otherwise, it's the same situation, practically.  I've read the "TOXIC PEOPLE" book, and it says the same thing.  If you've tried to resolve the problem, and it didn't work, AVOIDANCE is the best thing (out of sight, out of mind and spirit).  Trust me, issues with TOXIC individuals cannot be "resolved" because every time you're around one of these people, their tackiness will continue.  "Resolving", to them, means a fight - battling it out.  You don't get anywhere.  Except, you get more aggravated, and despise them even more.  Stay clear of them.  It will help you recover inside a lot faster, and you'll be back to your normal self in no time.  It worked for me!! J
2/12
RESPONSE:  I'm Mad As Hell
I felt heartsick, reading your story -- what a very hurtful and destructive situation.  I don't think you're wrong to avoid them.  I think you should avoid them as much as possible.  You can still "try to work things out" from a distance, by sending occasional treats, or something, when your husband goes to visit them (but follow your instincts about this, and if you don't have a good feeling about it, don't!).  My situation isn't as depressing, but I STILL have a lot clearer, happier feelings about my MIL now that I really try to avoid her every chance I get (I send her gifts when I feel inspired to, and we get along happily on those VERY RARE occasions we do get together.  She used to drive me up the wall!!  Avoidance is key!!)
2/13
RESPONSE From Poster:  I'm Mad As Hell
I just wanted to say a big "Thank You!" to the person with the evil SIL who said she /he can relate.  Knowing that others would react the same way I did reaffirms my decision, and gives me peace of mind in doing so.  I thought that I was possibly overreacting to their ignorance and ill manners, but it had just been one too many times.  I have not read the Toxic In-laws book, yet, but I will do so as soon as I get the chance!  I also wanted to praise this web site --- it has been a God send in letting me deal with this stressful issue in my life!  THANK YOU! J
2/13
RESPONSE:  I'm Mad As Hell
I feel for you because I am in a similar situation.  At family gatherings, my BIL (single and in his late 30s) has often made cruel remarks to me, many times in the presence of my parents, my MIL and my friends.  He said things like, "Hey Fat *Ss!" or, "Hey Exploding *Ss!, your *Ss just gets wider and bigger every time I see you", or "Hey *** (racial slur)-*Ss", or "Hey flat chest, fat *Ss!"  My MIL just chuckles, my husband is oblivious, and I'm always in tears.  My MIL says it's because I "provoke" my BIL.  Provoke?!?  I've never been unkind or mean-spirited to his person.  Get this - you'd think those remarks might come from someone drunk; but he does not drink.  I think he's on drugs and so is my MIL.  The less time I spend with them, the happier I am.  I do not stop my husband from getting together with them.  I avoid contact with them if I do go to functions with them.  There is good and there is evil, and you know what they say about evil - it never dies.  There have been times while they were insulting me that I was so mad, embarrassed and miserable that I actually thought (or hallucinated) that I saw their heads rotate.  I think they're possessed!
2/15
I had the good fortune to live 12 hours away from my MIL, until my DH applied for a transfer.  This meant that we would be within 6 hours driving time of the IL's.  At the time, my DH and I were optimistic, because we thought that it would bring us closer to the families.  Within two weeks of moving, both of us knew that we had made a terrible mistake.  I work in the healthcare field, and at the time, I was working some horrendous hours and attending school FT.  Being closer to DH's family meant more frequent visits.  They came to spend the weekend with us.  I got home about 3 am, and woke up at 9 am, while they were all at church, to do some laundry and have a shower.  I was sitting and having coffee and reading the paper when they came back with something to eat.  After we ate, my DH and by FIL left to go look at some property that we had just bought.  My MIL wanted to go, but I didn't.  She kept trying to get me to go.  Frankly, I was exhausted, and just wanted to chill out, because this was to be my one day off for the next few weeks.  I told her that we could go later.  While we were watching TV, an ad came on for cholesterol lowering meds.  That's when my MIL pulled her latest lab results out of her purse and began asking questions.  She liked to quiz me about such things, repeatedly asking me the same question over and over, and trying to dispute me (she reads articles, etc., and draws the wrong conclusions).  She is one of those people that, even if she's never done it before, she knows how better than everyone else, and everyone else is wrong. So I began to ask her what her Dr. said about the results, and just backed up what the Dr. had told her because I wasn't in the mood to talk about work on my day off.  She kept prodding at me, and I politely told her that I had had a rough week, I had told her what I already knew, and didn't want to talk about it anymore.  She asked me, "Do you still want to be a xxx(my profession)?"  I just repeated her question back to her and asked her what she meant by it.  Her jaw dropped to the floor.  I had never gone back at her and made her explain her inappropriateness.  I told her that she had upset me.  She burst into tears, ran into me and DH's bedroom (slammed the door) and laid on the bed and cried.  Talk about manipulation!  My DH and FIL were due back, and I was sure they would be upset with me and take her side.  She and I talked and made up.  When my DH got home, I pulled him aside and talked to him before she could get to him.  While I was doing this, she glared at me from around the corner.  We were civil when we went out to dinner.  But the worst was yet to come.

After we had moved into out new house, they were to come to visit and my FIL was going to do some plumbing work on the house.  My DH kept saying, over and over, that maybe they shouldn't come.  I spent a lot of time during thesis week cleaning the basement for them to stay in. They came just as I was leaving to work.  We all talked for a few minutes and then I left for work, coming back home at 3 am.  I was up at 6 am to get to the school library to cram for a test.  Then, I went to work to pick up my paycheck.  I had planned to take her to lunch and shopping for antiques.  She kept giving me the cold shoulder, every time I would approach her to talk, she would get up to leave.  My DH got called in to work and left me alone with MIL and FIL (who wasn't talking to me either).  I came out into the TV room to try and talk to her and find out what was up.  She sat in the chair with her back to me, talking to me over her shoulder.  She got up and shut off the TV and left the room when I was watching it too.  I called my Mom to find out how to handle this.  While I was on the phone, my DH came home, and was upset that I was on the phone with my Mom and ignoring his Mom.  He made me apologize to her, saying that they claimed to feel,"unwelcome."  He didn't believe that she had been ignoring me.  A fight erupted, with her yelling at me, telling me that no one in the family liked me, I thought I was a bigshot because of my education (scholarly, as she put it), standing over me and shaking her finger at me.  In my home!  As I got up to walk out of the room to cool off, my DH blocked the door so that I couldn't leave.  FIL was outside.  Then DH and FIL left to go eat dinner.  I left for the rest of the night.  I ended up leaving DH a year later after he ran around the local bars and found a girlfriend. (This was my fault, according to MIL because I left him).  I'm convinced she was getting me back for the first visit, when I faced her directly.
2/10
        signed - Victim Of Mommy Power

RESPONSE:  Victim Of Mommy Power
How very insensitive and immature your (thank God) former MIL is.  It's like you were dealing with an eight-year-old child.  That's a lesson to me to NEVER go and visit someone and be all demanding and immature when they're busy (you were so busy -- couldn't they be sensitive to that?  Couldn't your DH tell them it wasn't a good time?)  Well -- you must be very relieved to be out of that situation.
2/13
When I gave birth to my daughter, I made the mistake of having my MIL present.  We never got along, but she became my "best friend" while I was pregnant, and I was fooled and thought it was genuine.  After my daughter was born, my MIL kept saying "Oh, Bless HIS little heart" and "This is like having (my husband) all over again."

She called every day, sometimes twice a day, and wanted to see my daughter just about every day for several weeks, before we finally put our foot down.  She had a hysterectomy 10 days before my daughter was born, and even though we never really did get a long, I think she had some kind of breakdown.  She acted as if my daughter was her SON!  She was always saying HE instead of SHE.

Then, after the BIG blowout over how often she saw my daughter, my DH and I decided that only my mom (who was my coach) would be present for my next baby.  Then we really were in trouble.  We didn't even call anyone until the baby was born (a boy this time).  My MIL was furious.  She was not as loving towards my son, and favored my DH's brother's baby over my son (they were born 3 months apart).  Now, she doesn't talk to us, or BIL's family, because she doesn't see ANY of her grandkids enough.  She is just wacko, now that she has grandkids.  Any advice or comments?
2/11
        signed - Lost it Since the Hysterectomy? ? ?

RESPONSE:  Lost it Since the Hysterectomy? ? ?
It sounds like your MIL has some issues with control.  If she isn't the center of attention, everyone around her will pay for it.  Sometimes people like this need a dose of reality.  Maybe you should go off on her and let her know how you feel.  It will make you feel better, I'm sure.  Let her know that if she feels the need to get her way all the time, that just isn't possible in life.  Tell her you're sick of hearing the complaining about not getting to see the grandchildren enough.  My MIL would make comments about not getting to see her grandchildren enough too.  After awhile I got sick of hearing it, and avoided her as much as possible.  Best of Luck to you!
2/12
RESPONSE:  Lost it Since the Hysterectomy? ? ?
I felt bad for you, even though we don't have any children.  I hate to think how my MIL would be if we had a child.  She basically doesn't have a life, just sits at home and complains about being bored (heaven forbid she get a JOB).  And, she LOVES children.  And, she has a tendency to be all over us with smothering, unnecessary advice.  I hate to think how it would be.  You have my sympathy.
2/13
My MIL believes that on Christmas morning, my husband, our three children and I should tear through our presents from Santa at our house and then immediately run to her house to open presents from her and my FIL.  They have actually requested (the year my youngest was an infant) that we be there by 8:00 a.m.  I have fought this every year - BUT we always end up being there exactly when she wants us - no matter how early.  It gets worse.  We are usually the first family to arrive, and we end up waiting on my husband's sister, sometimes for up to 2 hours.  We can't open anything until everyone arrives.  Still, it gets worse.  They don't distribute "even" Christmas presents.  They buy my oldest a ton of presents, all name brand stuff.  My middle child gets a ton of generic junk, and my youngest gets a few nice things (but nothing compared to my niece who is about the same age).  Even worse, they do not care for me.  They have said those words to me.  They do not do a good job of hiding those feeling in front of the children.  I can't help but resent this holiday.  The most cherished holiday of the year.  It truly ruins it for me, and my H realizes this.  He says that he sees and feels the same things I do.  Somehow, though, each year we are forced into going there, bright and early on Christmas morning.  Oh yes!! - We also spend Christmas Eve there for our traditional holiday meal!!  Why not exchange then?  This year I suggested that we all just spend the night on Christmas Eve of 2001 and wake up there on Christmas morning!!  I was joking of course, but I think they were actually interested.  What would you do?
2/10
        signed - Please Save My Christmas!!

RESPONSE:  Please Save My Christmas!!
I know exactly how you feel.  My MIL expects everyone to "gather" on Xmas day too, always has, and it pisses me off.  H and I have two small children, and enough is enough.  She had the nerve to discuss Xmas 2001 the week after we had just survived this past one!  So I told her straight out, we (H, kids and I)are spending this Xmas day at HOME.  If she wants to gather together on a different day, then that is fine.  Xmas day is ours, and H agreed with me.  Funny how he has to have his wife do the dirty work, huh??  My husband is a dishrag to his mother.  I got to where I don't care.  She always thought I was weird, (because I have high self esteem and confidence I guess!! ha) so let her think I'm stubborn too.  I don't care!!  My kids will be young ONLY once, and I will not be 40 yrs old looking back and regretting not telling her where to put her Xmas"gathering", ha ha ha!
2/12
RESPONSE:  Please Save My Christmas!!
This might be easier said than done, since your husband and children are involved.  But I feel so bad for you.  I know a couple who REFUSES to go anywhere for Christmas -- they don't cave in to family pressure, and just spend Christmas together.  They don't have children, however, which makes this easier.  If there's anything you can do to reclaim your Christmas (would your husband be at ALL cooperative?), please try.  Think of what you, your husband, and kids, would REALLY like to do.

I know my in-laws would have us jumping through all kinds of hoops if we let them think we'd do whatever would please them.  But we've put our foot down enough times that they've been "trained" to respect us a little more, and not be so insistent.  What's not fair here is, they're getting THEIR way, like their feelings are more important than yours.  And it's not fair.  They shouldn't think they can pull your strings and get you to do whatever they decide.  You and your husband and kids should have equal power (and MORE power, when it comes to how YOU are going to spend your holidays).   This may be simplistic, but I wish you the best, that's for sure.
2/13
frequent fry her - Pscho FMIL Frequent Fry Her TM. - Psycho FMIL 1 of 4 /Posted: 11-FEB-01
I just had the "pleasure" of meeting my *probable* FMIL during a wedding trip for her other son in South Africa.  After getting back from the wedding, my BF (her son) received a nasty phone call from her about me.  We've been together for two and a half years with intentions to marry.  I would have liked things to go better between us, but her sons tell me she is stubborn, and is incapable of admitting fault or wrongdoing.  I'm going to post the emails that ensued after that phone call.  Tell me what you think:

my letter to her after hearing about the phone call:
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Mrs. *****,
BF has told me about your conversation from earlier today, and I am sorry to hear that your observations on our interactions have caused you to be opposed to our relationship.  BF has told me not to write to you, because it seems to him that you have already made up your mind, and nothing I say or do (short of overhauling my entire personality) will make you change you mind.  He's told me that writing to you will do more harm that good.  But I would not feel right if I did not have a chance to defend myself, or at the very least, assure you that my intentions were not to be of any harm.  I am very sorry, and very humiliated to learn that I made everyone around me uncomfortable, and was an annoyance during your trip.  I know that it is sometimes hard to understand the dynamics of other people's relationships, and I'm not sure exactly what behavior caused you to feel this animosity towards me.  I am also unsure, at this point, whether your Freudian slips were intentional or not, when you repeatedly called me (ex-girlfriend's name).  I do know that it resulted in a great deal of hurt feelings, which, in turn, may have influenced my behavior a little.  I don't think that anyone, upon meeting their boyfriend's mother for the first time in two and a half years, is exactly thrilled to be constantly mistaken for his ex-girlfriend.  I mean no disrespect when I say that you do not know me, and you do not see us and our interactions on a daily basis.  The razzing and teasing that offended you so much is a small, insignificant part of how we are with one another.  In my family, it is a sign of affection, and is taken in a lighthearted manner.  BF has had the occasion to spend a large amount of time with my family, and he understands how we interact.  He can plainly see that the love between my family is not lost, and the way that we tease each other is very affectionate.  It can be easily misconstrued, lacking such firsthand experience as BF has had, seeing how people in my family treat people they care about.  He has, himself, pointed out the differences between my family and yours.  The most obvious being that it is a completely different culture, yours Southern, ours first-generation Taiwanese.  We spend much more time with my family than with his, so it is natural (at least to me) to mimic the type of affection and fun we have with my family.  My family adores BF, despite the many things they do not understand about him and our relationship.  I hope that you can respect BF's decision to be with me, and realize that he is a very strong and intelligent person who would not stay in a relationship where he was feeling belittled or unhappy.  If you had visited our website, you would have seen that we DO, in fact, have many good times, and believe it or not, there are many redeeming qualities to our relationship.  It may be presumptuous to judge us, or me, based upon only two weeks out of two and half years together.  I feel very badly for BF being caught in the middle of all of this, because he obviously loves his family, and loves me as well.  We, as with any couple, have issues and difficulties of our own, without this type of thing creating a wedge between us.  I spent countless hours in anxious anticipation over meeting BF's family.  I was so worried about making a good impression, and I am truly hurt that things have turned out this way.

Her letter back:
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GF,
BF is right.  You should not write me.  But, since you chose to "defend" yourself, I will explain some of my feelings that need to be clear.

I have some definite issues that only you can explain to me.  Why do you choose not to raise you daughter? Why do you choose to walk around with her name, birth-date, and a pacifier on your right arm?  Why do you choose not to let your father see these tattoos?  Why did you choose to show them in S. Africa, knowing that I do not like tattoos?  I resent your comments that my "Freudian slips were intentional or not".  I called you (ex-girlfriend's name) 4 times.  You were never mistaken for (ex-girlfriend's name). It is apparent that your own insecurities let this be a problem for you.

My issues are not about how you act with your family. The trouble I had with you has nothing to do with "cultural" differences.  It is about how you acted with BFs family.  Downgrading, belittling, and blame is not a "sign of affection" or "taken in a lighthearted manner", in the (BF's "SURNAME") family this is a sign of poor, or no, manners.  For you to sit at our dinner table and tell BF and all of the "SURNAME"s that the "SURNAME" family name was ugly and difficult - this is not a cultural difference, it is lack of manners on your part.  To expect to have the honeymoon suite is rude on your part.  BF in not in the middle.  BF has been in this "SURNAME" family since I gave birth to him in 1969. He is just living in your apt.  You were on a "SURNAME" family wedding trip.  I did not like your actions.  Let me make it clear to you, that you are not welcome in my home, or on any other family trips.  If you still think this is about cultural differences, tell your father to give me a phone call.  He and I can discuss your lack of responsibility, and defiance, before you end up walking around with BF "SURNAME" Jr. on your left arm.  I know all that I ever care to know about you, and respect is something that runs through all cultures.  These are my feelings about meeting you, and I never want to see you again!
MIL x-"SURNAME" REMARRIED NAME

And I couldn't just let that go:
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I tried to be civil, but apparently you do not work that way, and at this point I have ceased to care what court's advice to me about you is, he was obviously right when he told me you were stubborn and self-righteous.  Your accusations and "explanations" are unfounded, biased, and outright ignorant.  First of all, there ARE cultural differences.  For example, I was appalled at your constant drunken behavior, especially at your son's wedding, that would never fly in my family.  Your snorting laughter and brash comments were rude and inappropriate, as far as I am concerned.  Hollering and demanding that the bride sing at her wedding, when she made it painfully clear she didn't wish to, is a prime example.  But I chose not to judge you by my own standards, something you are apparently incapable of.  Another fine example of your classiness was the complete disregard for someone's feeling.  How many times does someone have to point out a mistake to you before you make an effort to correct it?  Maybe I should explain.  Court specifically pointed out that you had called me (ex-girlfriend's name), yet you continued to do it.  Both FBIL and BF assured me that you are just ditzy that way, and I shouldn't take offense.  Well, I think it's less ditziness than plain rudeness.  And, INSECURITY!?  You are completely lacking common sense if you think that anyone would want to be called by another woman's name in any situation.  What if I'd called you (ex-husband's new wife's name) the WHOLE time, or by (her new husband's) ex-wife's name after you'd corrected me not once, but twice?  HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?  I never called the "SURNAME" name "ugly", or "difficult".  Apparently, you were too drunk to remember that during that conversation what I said was that it was difficult to match a first name to.  WHICH I STILL BELIEVE IT IS.  That is a far fetch from UGLY.  Exactly WHERE was it that I wanted the honeymoon suite?  That one really confuses me.  Are you just making things up?  Because, neither BF nor I can remember that.  It may be hard for you to comprehend this concept, but what I do regarding MY daughter and MY life and MY body is absolutely, irrefutably, NONE of your business.  I can't even address this, because it's incredible to think you would have the gall to think that you have any right treading there.  I asked BF, before we left, if I should worry about my tattoos.  As a matter of fact, the dress I wore to the wedding was bought so that it would cover them -- I knew that it may be out of place at their wedding.  You think I didn't consider it?  BF told me you weren't so superficial and shallow as to care about a few tattoos.  Well, he was obviously wrong.  My father KNOWS about my tattoos.  I suppose you omitted that part of that conversation, too ... that seems to be your style.  If you look at the pictures, that are in abundance, of me and my family, you'll see me in short sleeves in most of them.  It is fine by me if you need to tell yourself that BF is just living in my apartment.  It doesn't do me any harm for you to submerge yourself in grand delusions and self-aggrandizing cruel behavior.  I am here with BF every day, and anyone would be blind to not see how much we love each other.  We have been in love for 2 years, and will be for many more.  And, I can assure you that, if there is ever a BF "SURNAME" Jr., I would never allow such an ugly, ill-tempered person such as you in his or her life.  I know your son better than you ever could, and you haven't a leg to stand on to tell me how he feels about me.  Your once-every-four-month phone calls don't tell you anything.  You think birth rights and an annual trip to some foreign country constitute a family?  Let me tell you what a REAL family is:

People who are there for you when you need them.
People who can understand that not everyone is the same.
People you care about your happiness.
People who can respect your choices in life.
People who can respect the people you care about.

In essence, everything you have proven yourself not to be.  I tried to be understanding with you.  We will obviously share different views and standards.  I tried to care about what you thought, because I know that you are important people to him.  But it is obviously a lost cause.  You are successfully alienating yourself from your own son, by attacking someone he loves.  Congratulations.  The feeling is now mutual.

These are my feelings, and I am completely ashamed that I should ever be apologetic to YOU.  You are the villain here, who is trying to force your will upon two other lives.  The things you have noted are ridiculous, and have not a shred of truth to them.  It may be you that should take a look at your insecurities, since you seem to take everything of mine and twist it around so that it's a personal attack on you.  Do not write me back.  Do not call our house.  And, of course, you are never going to be welcome in our house.  I hope that losing a son is what you wanted, because if you keep up this ugly behavior, that is exactly what you'll get.  Good riddance.

And more:
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I know that you are probably not going to read this letter, lest you have to
admit, even to yourself, that you are wrong.  I know that never, in 31 years, has your son seen you admit to being wrong, or change your mind once you've made it up, or apologize. This is the last time I will write to you, and I am writing solely because I would hate for you to think that you are right because I did not respond to your questions/accusations/insinuations about my relationship between me and my child.  Although I still feel that it's none of your business, and you are putting your nose in where it doesn't belong (not just regarding my daughter), I can not sleep at night with the thought of you strutting around on your high horse with the holier-than-thou attitude that you seem to have
taken towards me.  My daughter resides with her father, for the time being, because, in the opinion of her father and I, that is the best place for her right now.  I have "chosen" not to raise her, as much as you "chose" not to raise your sons while you lived in different states.  It is exactly the same situation.  This situation is not permanent, and, as a matter of fact, we have plans to move my daughter in with us this summer.  Just take a look at how happy she is with us, and tell me that I'm not a good mother.  Might I remind you that, in the past, your wonderful mothering resulted in one of your sons becoming a drug addict, and now the other one DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU.  So you can put aside your insinuations that I am a bad mother.  I suggest you take a long look in the mirror.

The honeymoon suite.  Well, frankly, neither one of us knows what in the world you're talking about here.  I'll remind you that YOU are the one who was too good to stay at the guesthouse with everyone else (and, don't tell me that it was so the bride and groom would be separate, I was told you were booked there because everyone knows how picky you are).  You are the one who took advantage of a honeymoon suite that wasn't meant for you.

Regarding your misinterpretation of my opinion of the last name "SURNAME" ... here is another area that is just ridiculous for you to tread.  You are not a "SURNAME"; you were married into it, and you divorced out of it.  Your choice to turn it into a personal attack is a result of your need to find reasons to be offended by people who are not you.  I know that it drives you insane that I would have the audacity to stand up for myself instead of sitting back and letting you speak badly about me behind my back.  Well, I at least have the courage to confront you, even though my efforts to correct your misjudgments are worthless.  I'll sleep better knowing that I at least tried to get through to you, though I highly doubt that is possible.  I hope that your plan was to bring BF and I closer, because all your viciousness has caused us to do is unite in our ill-feelings towards you.
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Well, I at least feel good about being *defiant*, as she said, because she expected a demure, spineless doormat that was going to sit down for her unfounded accusations and stubborn prejudices.  You should keep in mind that this woman is over twice my age (I'm in my mid twenties), and she has been completely ruthless in her attack on me, my family, and my relationship to her very happy, very in love son.  You'd think she'd be old enough to know better.  I'm posting this so that all the other DIL's and SON IL's out there will stand up against injustices caused by their MIL's.  It's unfair to accept that, because she gave birth to your significant other, she has the right to make your lives miserable!!
2/11
        signed - MIL != boss of you!

( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )

RESPONSE:  MIL != boss of you!
What a great story!  I would kill to know what she wrote back to you!  Thanks for the inspiration.  My mother in law is just mental.  She talks about each of her darling children's spouses to each of the others and thinks we don't compare stories afterwards.  I'd love to tell her what I think of her, like you did.  Congratulations!!  I hope you and BF are very happy together.
2/12
RESPONSE:  MIL != boss of you!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!  Doesn't it feel great to hold your head up high and stand up for yourself??  I did the same thing with my SIL.  She has the same attitude and demeanor as your MIL ... its sickening!!  They are definitely two mold spores from the same block of poop!  Don't ever let anyone run over you!  How dare she treat her son's significant other/fiancée/gf/wife like that.  I'm proud of you for standing up to her! J
2/12
RESPONSE:  MIL != boss of you!
The lady sounds like a lunatic, and it's great that you didn't let her get away with being delusional.  That is, if she read your entire e-mail message back to her.  Did she respond to you after that last one?  And, I wonder if, maybe, right now you and your boyfriend are closer, but what 's going to happen when he makes up with her and you're left out of the loop?  You mentioned that he cares about his family and that he loves you.  So, where was he standing up for you in all of this?
2/13
RESPONSE From Poster:  MIL != boss of you!
Hello!  I'm the writer of MIL != Boss of You.  Thanks for all of your support!  It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks that this was a hurtful thing for my FMIL to do.  My boyfriend WILL, of course, someday resolve things with his mother.  When that day comes, it will be bittersweet for me.  As much as I dislike that woman right now, I love her son too much to entertain the thought that he should feel too badly towards his mother for too long.  The damage is done, and I'm sure that, while sooner or later he may tire of yelling at her, his resentment will last much longer.  We'll just have to figure out, at that point, how we will arrange functions to suit everyone's level of comfort.  I am pretty confident that my boyfriend will not leave me "high and dry" later.  He has defended me from day one about this, and unless FMIL changes her tune, I don't think that he will change his either.  In the end, her unwillingness to make amends with me (or her son) about this will be her own loss.  I think that I offered to help rebuild an already burning bridge with my first letter to her, and she basically doused it with gasoline, instead of getting a bucket to help put out the fire.  Well, thanks for reading my entire, long-winded story!  I really love to have this forum!
2/14
Am I being overly sensitive?  My MIL makes comments when she feels she doesn't get to see her grandchildren enough.  To me, it seems like complaining.  Then, after she has spent time with them, she says that she's so tired, or, "XX (the name of one of her daughters) and the grandchildren spent the night (at MIL's request), and I hardly got any sleep."  She got invited to my niece's (her daughter's children) dance recital and my nephew's wrestling matches.  Then I got to hear; "It was a nice recital and XX did so good, but it didn't let out 'til 11:00."  She once said "XX did a good job (wrestling), but it lasted all day, and it was a far drive."  Sometimes I have wanted to tell her that when my child has extra curricular activities, she won't be invited, because I don't want to know she is complaining about us to her other children.  It's just so irritating.  We had one of my SIL's kids spend the night, and my MIL had to call up to see if my daughter and her cousin were getting along!!!  I know she was telling my husband about them arguing when they spent the night together at her house (at her request) a few weeks earlier.  She wants them to spend time with her, and then makes comments about them not getting along.  To me, it's complaining.  I wanted to yank the phone out of his hand and tell her, "If it's such a bother with them arguing, why do you take them?!?!"  I heard him tell her THREE times that they were getting along great.  GET A LIFE!  Then, when any of her grown children get anything new, she asks the price and tells the other children!  Sometimes I think she doesn't have anything else going on in her pitiful life, so she finds out all these things to talk/complain about with everyone else.  I think this is the reason one of her SILs avoids her, as do I!!!
2/8
        signed - Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!

RESPONSE:  Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!
She has issues.  She reminds me of my MIL who cannot give a compliment.  Examples..."Your dress is pretty, and really makes your heavy thighs look thinner!", or "Is that new makeup? It really covers up the bags under your eyes", or my favorite, "You are such a good decorator, you can even make your old, worn furniture look nice."  It is her way of "nicely" pulling a punch.  Unless she gets struck by a bolt of lightning and it shocks sincere niceness into her, get used to it and laugh it off.  People usually find the negative in things because they are experiencing some sort of sick insecurity.  Take care!
2/9
RESPONSE:  Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!
I'm sorry, but you sound awful.  I can't see what your mother-in-law has done to irritate you so badly.  I would assume that your MIL is an older lady and these events just tire her out a bit.  It doesn't seem like she is complaining so much as it does that she is just making a comment.  She obviously WANTS to go, and from what you wrote she ENJOYS the events and COMPLIMENTS the children AND their parents!  So what if she were worried about the kids not getting along?  Is that such a terrible thing?  You didn't even have to deal with it, your husband did!  You commented that she should "get a life."  Well, maybe this IS a big part of her life.  Can't you be more sympathetic and understanding?  Are you this intolerant and impatient with your own parents?  I'm not saying that the behavior isn't a bit annoying, but you seem to be blowing it way, way out of proportion.  You're probably a nice lady, and I realize that this is a place to vent, but judging by what you wrote, it just seems like you are really overreacting.  Before people write in and tell me that I'm not being "supportive", please recognize that I don't think that encouraging people to act badly is being "supportive."  I would much prefer that someone tell me that I was out of line (or wrong) than have someone encourage me to continue behaving badly!  If being supportive means I have to view every DIL as a victim and every MIL as a monster, then sorry, I can't do it!  Neither should you!  Oh, and before someone makes the comment that I "must be a mother-in-law" as I have seen some do here, please note that I'm 35, have a MIL, and am NOT a MIL.  However, even if I WERE a MIL, I don't feel that should or would make my observations and opinions any less valid.
2/9
RESPONSE:  Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!
This is to the person above who called somebody "awful" for venting over LEGITIMATE complaints.  You are being VERY unsupportive, so take your lumps because deep down, you know you deserve it.  I am also 35 and have a MIL.  You sound like a person who needs to get her head out of the sand.  "The old lady just gets a bit tired"?  My maternal grandmother was 60 years older than me and she couldn't have been more loving and nurturing.  If she was tired, she'd just say so.  However, she certainly let my parents know how much she enjoyed being with us, unlike the MIL in this story.  She didn't get paranoid about the grandchildren's' bickering, minor OR major.  Anyone who gets emotionally involved (other than telling them to knock it off) is extremely immature.  Calling up the kids' parents to "check on how they're getting along" is beyond childish, it's downright pathetic.  Get a life, indeed.  I suppose you think that nosing around to find out what a child's gift cost and then reporting it back to the cousins is APPROPRIATE behavior????  You must be living in Disneyland if you think the "old lady" means well.  The old lady tries to stir things up and complains because she's one of those martyrs who thrives on attention.  The best thing to do with people like that is ignore their nosy questions, get caller ID, don't bother to answer their late-night inquiries about the kids, ignore their comments, and don't invite them to any more recitals if that's how they act (tell her you don't want her to get "too tired").
2/10
RESPONSE:  Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!
I too have a MIL who does similar things.  She will say that she is glad that the kids only have birthday parties once a year because she can't deal with them (the parties) more often.  She once said (during a performance) that she hopes it is over soon because she's "had enough"and "can't take much more tonight".   Then, she asked us to tell her when the next recital is (like we would invite her again after that crack).  I know that my kids want her to be a part of their lives, but it is so hard to have her around when we know that she is just biding her time, waiting for the final curtain to fall or the party to be over, etc.  My DH says that she has always been this way and he is used to it.  It hurts me a lot.  She will give us a critique of our children's behavior after she has spent more than a few hours with them. In these summaries, she will be sure to mention any little faux pas or lapse of good manners that she observed (bear in mind, they are preschool age).  She forgets that they are just young (and reasonably well behaved) kids who are very happy just to be with her.  She has given backhanded compliments like "you play ball very well, for a child of your age" (like my son should play like a major leaguer at age 6?).  She has said that something they did was good (like artwork), but that they will improve in time, with practice.  She also makes comments about how tired she is whenever she does something with them.  I feel that she should plan to only do what she can do safely and not overextend herself so that we don't all have to hear about the huge sacrifice she made just to be a part of something.  She has an active social life with FIL and NEVER complains at all about the gallivanting and entertaining that they do together.  Incidentally, she is not as critical of her female grandchildren as she is of her male grandchildren.  Their events and recitals never seem to be as taxing for her.  DH says that she never supported his activities as a child, so that even just having her attend an event is an improvement.  I just wanted to let you know that someone out here understands your situation, and for what it is worth, you have my sympathy.
2/10
RESPONSE:  Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!
This is in response to the second poster:  Here we go again!  You are becoming a familiar respondent on this board.  I have a question for you.  Have you ever been around a person who complains negatively like the one that this original poster is upset about?  I have.  My grandmother could never say anything nice about anything.  Instead, she always used her "complaints" as a way to gain control of the situation around her.  She bashed everybody and it wasn't pleasant to be around.  So, I think the original poster has a valid reason to be irked and upset.  No one likes negativity!  It seems that while most responses on this board are positive, there are always those who choose to take the negative approach.  In my opinion, it's not very constructive.  Also, I have another question for the second poster.  Do you have any MIL problems (or other family problems) that you'd like to post?  I'm sure you would appreciate positive, helpful responses!  Negative, critical responses wouldn't make you feel very good, nor would they help things get better for you.  Why don't you post your problem and see what it feels like to (possibly) get a taste of your own supposedly "constructive" criticism?  Of course, most of the posters on this board are helpful and positive, so I doubt you'll get any negative responses.  Just something to think about.
2/10
RESPONSE:  Sick of the Complaining MIL!!!
I don't quite agree with that (2nd) response, because I