Church with my MIL.
There's nothing as horrible as going to church with my MIL (unless
it's doing anything else with my MIL). Call me paranoid, but
I can't help thinking (based on other women's reaction to me at church)
that she's been complaining about me to them. Maybe she's been
playing the martyr or something. She likes me to drive with
her and my FIL (or just her, but I definitely prefer when my FIL is
along!!) when I go, and she's in fine form. It's a 45-minute
drive, so she has the chance to do a lot of talking. She talks
about the house my husband and I are building as "****'s (DH's)
house" (instead of calling it "your house")!
She says that to ME! Then, she gives me these cheap, tacky earrings
that are SO ugly and cheap. They're a slap in the face.
How much did she pay for them, ten cents? You shouldn't have!
Then, she repeatedly harasses me about how it would really be NICE
if I'd go to her church on Easter. She doesn't invite me once
or twice (or even three times), but more like four or five times over
the space of a few hours. And, it's not a nice invitation, it's
whiny, resentful, and demanding. She remembers everything I've
ever done (or not done), it seems, and although my DH and I have been
together for years, she remembers (apparently) every time I've been
to her church (i.e., what time of year it was, etc.) I've been
there many times, but she remembers that I've NEVER been there on
Easter. I, MYSELF, don't even remember that!! I wish she'd
get a life, and put more things in her head instead of keeping tabs
on me. Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe you have guessed
- there's a church "occasion" coming up that I need to go
to, and I'm dreading going through that again. I think I must
lose a year of my life every time I spend an evening with her.
Stress!! And not the good kind. 2/20
signed - Reluctant To Go
To Church With My MIL
RESPONSE: Reluctant To Go To Church With My MIL
The ultimate revenge (if you like going to church): find your own
church home. Start going to different churches, preferably with
your husband, but don't take your MIL. The icing on the cake
will come when you start to get involved in your church and exclude
your MIL. By the time you decide to invite her to anything at
your new church, the people there will know you well enough to see
that she's a flake (or whatever). Just make sure that you don't
complain about her, and they'll think you're a saint for putting up
with her ... So, beat her at her own game, or, as someone once said
about bowling, kill 'em with kindness ... 2/20 RESPONSE From Poster: Reluctant To Go To Church With
My MIL
This is the original poster, and I would like to thank the person
who responded to my venting. Thank you! That sure brought
a smile to my face -- wise advice, too. 2/22
My husband and I have been
together for 7 years (and married for 4). I have met with my
MIL, occasionally, so she knows (you would think) that I have been,
and am still, a vegetarian. We currently live with my husband's
parents (having just separated from the military), so she still knows
(or should know) that I don't eat meat. We have had the discussion
a few times as to why. I simply say that it's because I'm against
the killing of animals and I try to leave it at that. Of course,
that doesn't prevent her from offering me chicken or beef, all the
while telling me how much she LOVES meat. She smacks her lips
and repeatedly tells everyone "This is good sh#t."
But it all came to a head when she bought me some slippers.
My pair wasn't good enough, of course, and she had to present me with
some she thought were more appropriate. And of course they were
made of (you guessed it) animal skin, complete with animal fur and
leather ties. 2/20
signed - Losing My Mind
RESPONSE: Losing My Mind
I can't believe that she would do that. Being a vegetarian or
not being a vegetarian is a personal decision - that's just downright
rude. I find that my MIL has a hard time accepting things that
aren't the norm, such as a woman (as in me) having "her"
grandchildren, and then working full-time, and expecting my husband
to pitch in at least 50%. Oh heaven, I should just be at home
raising my children like the June Cleaver she is!!! Anyway,
back to my point - that is just downright rude. I hope you asked
her to take them back, and perhaps just give you the cash to purchase
your own choice. 2/21
I have been married to my
husband for four years. I have huge "boundary" issues
with my MIL. One Thanksgiving, I cooked for my husband's entire
family. As this was the first time I had his entire family over
- I was a little nervous about having everything turn out nice.
Everything did turn out very nice. As we sat down to say grace,
my MIL very loudly said, "Wow, XXXX (one of my SIL's) always
makes this look so --- easy!!!" I was crushed. My
face felt all pin-prickly, like when you're really hurt or embarrassed.
A year later, we're all at her home for Thanksgiving. We are
sitting there and she says out-loud to me and everyone, "Hmmm
--- what should we call you?" (My husband has a brother whose
name is exactly like mine ... it's just that mine is spelled the "feminine
version".) I was amazed and shocked - she made me change
my name right there so no one would be confused about having two names
exactly the same!! She ended up calling me by my "maiden
name initials" from that point on. Since then - we had
an argument over the phone where she was saying something really mean
and nasty to me ... and then she said my "initial"
name like it was dog-poop or something. I said, "YOU KNOW,
THAT'S NOT EVEN MY REAL NAME!!!" She proceeded to say I
was "impossible to talk to", and then hung up on me.
(I think she was angry that I had not been out to her home in awhile.
I had been making my husband go by himself). I called her two
weeks later to apologize to just "make peace" because my
husband was distressed about the situation.
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for four years.
I finally got pg and we were excited. My husband told my in-laws
before I wanted him to. (I wanted to wait until after 3 months
... he told everyone!) Anyway, I miscarried on Monday.
She had planned a family get together Sunday - and I really wasn't
up to going. My husband's brother and my SIL just had a baby,
and I just didn't feel like going. My husband went alone - and
they gave him grief that I didn't go. My FIL actually asked
my husband if it was "something one of the girls said" (i.e..,
my SIL'S OR MIL) ... that I avoid going out there. I mean, "Hello?!!!!!!
Anyway, it is causing such big problems in my marriage that I avoid
his family. I made an appointment to go see a counselor about
this mess ... mainly, also because I don't feel supported by my husband
at all. He just thinks I should "put up" with the
things his mom says. 2/19
signed - Boundary Issues
and SICK OF IT!!!
RESPONSE: Boundary Issues and SICK OF IT!!!
Hello, what your MIL and her family did to you is terrible!
Your husband should stand up for you. He doesn't necessarily
have to take sides, but he should recognize that his family treats
you with disrespect. I have been married just 8 months - a miracle,
since my in-laws actually called him just a few days before his proposal,
and bad mouthed me for not serving tea at Christmas. For my
recent birthday, they had us over for dinner. They gave me lovely
gifts, and then gave me a card with a cute poor little girl coming
out of a trash can. His mother said that the card reminded her
of me. You see, I married their precious golden boy doctor,
and I'm from a small town where my dad's a truck driver and my mom's
a ward clerk. I'm just a student web designer. Anyway,
you are right to stick up for yourself, and your husband should, too.
Although my husband will not take sides, he does see some of the real
picture, and sticks up for me. Hang in there. Signed:
Trash Can Girl 2/20 RESPONSE: Boundary Issues and SICK
OF IT!!!
Oh gosh, you sure explained the hurt well (how your face feels when
you are hurt). The heart sinks too! Consider this a hug,
for you sound like you KNOW HOW TO BE KIND. J
The bitter MILs on this site know that, NOT! Bitties - Dragon
Ladies, etc. Signed: I know 2/20 RESPONSE: Boundary Issues and SICK
OF IT!!!
You are too willing a participant!! Please nip that cr*p in
the bud right when it happens! I shouldn't talk, as I have the
same problem. It's hard to defend yourself when you are conditioned
to being courteous for your hubby's sake, but that is way too far!!
You have every right to call them and say, "Look, I can't come.
I just lost something very valuable and I need support!"
Or, "Hey, how do you like my dinner, I'm proud of it!"
There is nothing wrong with that! Set your boundaries!
No one will do it for you! Good luck, honey! 2/20 RESPONSE: Boundary Issues and SICK OF IT!!!
I felt so bad for you after reading your story. My condolences
on your loss. Yes, it's your husband's loss too, so it's beyond
me why he can't be more supportive of you. He really doesn't
get what's going on here, at all. He made YOU apologize to his
beastly mother for HER bad behavior???? Enough is enough!
Put your foot down, and tell him you would like him to attend counseling
sessions with you, because this isn't just a personal issue; it involves
your marriage. You said yourself that you don't feel supported
by him. Hubby has to learn that Mom is not #1, and her anger
is NOT more important than your feelings. Too bad he's so spineless
when it comes to your in-laws. I wish you luck. 2/21
My sister-in-law is just
about perfect. She's cute -- as beautiful as a model, in fact,
very "winsome" and appealing, and has a great personality
(I mean, REALLY great -- people immediately like her), and she can
do almost anything well. She's the ultimate Superwoman -- raising
her family and competently doing everything else, too. She makes
friends easily everywhere she goes. I admire her a lot.
It's a little bit intimidating, I'll admit, knowing someone like that
-- but I have "Superwomen" friends, too, whom I LOVE being
around, and who I don't feel intimidated by -- they're just a joy.
The thing that upsets me about my SIL is that she is very critical
of everyone else. She has no sense of loyalty, it seems (you
might say, well, I don't have any sense of loyalty either, or I wouldn't
be posting -- but this is an anonymous post, and I don't talk about
her publicly.) Every time she sees me, she's eager to talk --
to criticize her mother and sister, mostly, and even MY mother (her
MIL). I HATE being alone with her, even though I can't help
LIKING her, because she is such an attractive person.
She picks at people for little, harmless things -- like the color
of their house, or that they like to collect things. Those things
aren't hurting her, but she still complains about them. But
the BIG thing she complains about is how everyone isn't constantly
"there" for her. She wants her relatives to be going
to her house all the time, and watching her kids for her, and helping
her -- and listening to her complaints about everyone else!
She also wants to give me a lot of help I don't want, just because
she "thrives" on helping people. (This situation has gotten
better, though.)
It must be hard to imagine how someone can be like this and still
be likable, but if you saw her, you'd know what I mean. There's
that saying, "Everyone is somebody's weirdo" -- but SHE
is nobody's weirdo. She'd fit in anywhere, I think, and be welcome.
When she is with me, other than wanting to b**** constantly about
everyone else, I feel like she's watching me for "material"
-- to see how I screw up, so she can, in turn, complain about ME to
her mother and sister, etc. She's always eager for us to be
alone together. But I dread it!
When I got married, it was a very small wedding, and the only reason
we had ANY guests was that my husband is an only child (and it was
his parents' ONLY chance to go to their child's wedding), plus, my
DB and SIL eloped, so we felt my parents should at least have the
chance to be there at our wedding. (My mother had asked me for that,
and she doesn't ask many favors.)
So the ONLY people invited were our parents and my dB and SIL.
It was a tiny, no-fuss wedding, at home. But next thing I knew,
my SIL had fired off a letter to me about how I HAD to give her a
"role" in the wedding, and how I HAD to tell her what to
wear, etc. It wasn't a very pleasant letter -- it seemed angry
and aggressive, and I was really taken aback. I couldn't care
less what she wore. She could wear JEANS! (I tried to tell her
that nicely.) My mother begged me to let my SIL be my matron
of honor (like that was really important, in such a small wedding!
I had wanted my mother to be that, because we're so close, but I did
ask my SIL.)
She wants people to always be with her -- to me, she seems very demanding
-- but it's not like she really accepts or enjoys us so much as that
she is judging and complaining about us.
She and I are VERY different people. I'd rather be alone than
with someone who is so critical (or, if I were in her position, someone
I'd feel so critical OF as she is of her mother and sister -- and,
I'm sure, me, although I have no idea what she says about me behind
my back), someone I can't trust.
I bet she has NO idea that I perceive her like this. She just
thinks people are falling short, and she's pointing out the truth
about their shortcomings. She doesn't realize that, even an
attractive person like herself can't have that attitude and still
expect people to always want to be around her. I consider it
a real blessing that she lives far, far away. Yet, oddly, I
still do like her. She thinks I've hurt her by falling short
and not "being there" for her enough. She has no idea
how painful it is for me to be around her, and how much I utterly
dread it and would do almost anything to avoid it. When she
comes to visit, my heart is just pounding before I go out to her and
say "hi." I dread it with all my heart. Yet
I still like her, and I think she likes me, too. I guess these
in-law relationships, while they often have a lot of good in them,
come with many, many challenges. You're lucky if you have an
easy one ... 2/19
signed - Avoidant SIL
RESPONSE: Avoidant SIL
You're right - it IS hard to understand why you still like her.
The only truly nice thing you've actually said about her is that she's
"attractive." Beauty is only skin deep, you know.
I'm sure you must be aware that if she criticizes other people behind
their backs, she's doing the exact same thing to you when your back
is turned. Personally, I'd find it hard to like someone as critical
and back-stabbing as your SIL, and I have to wonder if you only admire
her because of her looks. If that's the case, it's a pretty
poor reason. 2/20
If
I ever buy my MIL ANYTHING at all, she will ALWAYS call our house
and say, "Oh, it's because HE knows what I like".
She will never, ever agree that MAYBE (on the off chance) I (Heaven
forbid!) bought her something that she likes, because then she'd have
to tell me so! Even if my DH says, "Oh, I didn't pick it
out", she'll just ignore him and rave on an on about how well
he knows her. If I call her (thankfully, she's a few thousand
miles away) on a holiday or something and she happens to not be home,
she will undoubtedly call back and say "Oh **** (DH's Name),
I'm soooooooo sorrrrrrrry I missed YOUR call". She speaks
civilly to me, but I always know she's speaking through gritted teeth.
This story was really stupid, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just
trying to get some pet peeves off my chest. 2/19
signed - Married to Brad
Pitt, But In-laws With Lizzie Borden
RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt, But In-laws With Lizzie
Borden
I want you to know that I don't think your entry was stupid!
I feel the same way about my MIL. In fact, my DH and I spoke
about this very thing last night. I pick out all the gifts and
put a lot of effort into it. I wrap them, select and write a
card (having DH sign it if I'm lucky), wrap it up and ship it to them.
And what happens? They call DH and thank him. Now, your
DH is better than mine, in that he acknowledges this to his parents.
Mine does not. He just says, "Oh, glad you liked it."
I don't think that we'll get anywhere by forcing them to acknowledge
me. But, as I told my DH last night, I feel like the invisible
woman to his parents. I think they prefer it that way.
That does not bode well for the future. 2/20 RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt,
But In-laws With Lizzie Borden
Know how to drive that kind CRAZY??? IGNORE HER!!! Pretend
she doesn't exist. Stop buying her gifts, and calling her.
Then, she will have nothing to ignore. Quite frankly, she doesn't
deserve someone thoughtful like you to give her attention. 2/20 RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt, But In-laws With Lizzie
Borden
It's not a stupid story - it's a very hurtful thing. I felt
hurt FOR you when I read it. My MIL has done some similar things,
although not quite as blatant. She shows such really annoying
and unfair favoritism (making me feel bad in the process) for my DH
that I really dislike her for it sometimes. You have your feelings
for a reason - a pretty obvious reason! Best wishes to you -
you have my sympathy (empathy). 2/20 RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt,
But In-laws With Lizzie Borden
I sure do hear you. I have the same MIL, and I have put up with
it for 12 yrs. I am telling you, it isn't worth it. However,
if you don't have your husband's support, you don't have much to work
with. I will pray for your situation. I have my husband's
support, and we, together, have let her decide if we have contact.
Right now, she has chosen to exclude us from her life, because I have
"made her son turn his back on his family". Good luck. 2/20
Hi. I'm new to this
board, and I am very happy that I came across it. It makes me
feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only person who sees
the narcissistic personality in their husband's mother. My troubles
started as soon as the engagement ring was on my finger. My
DH's brother and sister both planned their weddings the smart way
- they gave two weeks notice to their mother. However, my DH
and I had a bit of a longer engagement (my father had a brain aneurysm,
and we had to postpone it). This gave her ample time to get
her wheels turning and make it her day. That's pretty much how
it turned out. Then came the first pregnancy and her 3rd grand
child. My DD was born, and then diagnosed with group B strep
before even leaving the hospital,. She ended up in the EICU
for 10 days on a heavy dosage of antibiotics. My in-laws decided
that it wasn't worth their time to hang around, so they went back
home until the very day that my DD came home from the hospital.
It's times like that that you know that their motives for such "situations"
are highly due to how their family and church groups will view them.
I feel that their world revolves around what other people think, and
we're the pawns in their societal chess game! I don't think
that it helps that all three of her children were adopted, and all
three have sought, found, and have struck up relationships with their
birth mothers. Very, very insecure!!! My MIL uses emotional
blackmail to make her children feel bad (this is not healthy, as far
as I'm concerned), but my DH doesn't see through it. His answer
is that she's old, and she's not going to change, and that she'll
be "gone" soon! This is not a solution for me.
I do not have to live with this stress in my life if I don't want
too. I don't care if she's "mother" or Mother Theresa.
I could go on and on and on and on. I feel a tad better now.
But I'll be back ranting and raving again very, very soon! Thanks
for listening. 2/12
signed - Don't Care If
She's "Mother" Or Mother Theresa
Note: This story moved here
from 2/3/01 archives due to recent receipt of a response.
For seven years I continued to be entertained by my MIL's way of saying
"thank you" for the usually very nice gifts that my wife
and I have given her. She always looks at my wife and
says, "thank you," even mentioning the kids' names, but
never mentioning me or acknowledging my contribution or input.
At least she remembers my birthday ... every other year! 1/21
signed - I Must Be Invisible
RESPONSE: I Must Be Invisible
The next time your MIL thanks everyone in the family for a gift and
leaves you out, scream "YOU'RE WELCOME" in her face.
Shame her into fake niceness. 2/15 RESPONSE: I Must Be Invisible
Do you sense your MIL likes you, deep down? Maybe it's reverse
prejudice: everyone thinks the woman is the one who picks out the
gifts. Wrong!! My own husband just picked out a great
BABY SHOWER gift -- probably everyone thinks I did it for him.
Wake up, people -- men can be very good at choosing gifts (or helping
choose them)! 2/17
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