To Help The Red Cross Click Here
Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.

 

mother-in-law stories bd10358_.gif
Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 3/10/01
 mother-in-law stories bd10358_.gif

<--Previous Archive        Next Archive -->

There is a lot of good in my relationship with my MIL, and I hope we will have a friendly future together.  But there are some things she's done -- a lot of things - that I still hold a grudge about.  I think when she's really concentrating on trying to be thoughtful and nice, she does a good job.  But when she isn't thinking about it, she lets it all hang out and offends me right and left.  There are ENDLESS examples of this, but here are a few:  Someone else just wrote about how her MIL always refers to the house the poster shares with her DH as "DH's house."  My MIL does that, too!!  She doesn't do it when she's talking to other people (I wouldn't mind that), but she does it when she's talking to ME and nobody else but FIL is around!  The three of us were riding in their car (never again!) and she constantly was talking to ME about "DH's house" instead of "your house," or "DH's and your house."  That seemed a little passive-aggressive to me, and even DFIL jumped in and stuck up for me, reminding her that it was my house, too.  But she kept doing it.  Another, much bigger thing, was that my father recently died of cancer.  He was sick for several years.  Towards the end of his life, when he only had a month or so more to live and was very sick (I was close to him, and involved in his care), I guess my MIL was feeling neglected, because she was practically throwing tantrums about the terrible problem she was having with boredom, and how desperately she needed me and my DH to rescue her and provide stimulation for her.  She would also cry about my father's illness, like she wanted ME to comfort HER.  I got so fed up with her, I REALLY kept her at arm's length.  At his funeral, I was friendly to her and hugged her etc., but didn't spend as much time with her as I did even with the most distant acquaintances of my father (rather than having her right by my side, as she might have liked).  My husband and I don't have children, and that makes things a lot easier.  I wouldn't trust her not to be all over the children, forgetting that they were OUR children, and only thinking of her own relationship with them.
2/26
        signed - Skittish
She bought many bushels of peaches, made about 20 pies, and froze most of them.  Then she told us she had a bushel of peach seeds for us so we could plant a peach orchard on our 1/4 acre lot.  I don't even eat peaches.
3/1
        signed - Advice Overload
HELP!  I feel like I'm running out of time!  My third baby is due any time now.  This will be my husband's first baby.  My older 2 are from my previous marriage.  My MIL is absolutely wonderful about accepting my children.  Since my own mother passed away a little over a year ago, I have welcomed them having a grand-motherly figure in their lives (we had lived w/my parents, and they were used to "NaNa" as part of their everyday life).  ANYWAY, last night my MIL popped in unannounced just to check on me.  A nice gesture, at this point, since my husband travels, and I'm getting nervous about where he'll be when the baby comes.  It's just that she walked right in.  She's getting into the habit of just coming in when she stops by.  She has never called first, and one Sunday, we were even napping on the living room floor, and all of a sudden she was standing over us.  EEK!!

When she comes here I have no say with my own children.  As soon as I tell them to do something, she jumps in to be the "enforcer"!  She starts threatening them w/the spoon, or to cut off their hair (they both have hair to their butts).  She actually did cut the hair off of my SIL's daughter.  I will never forgive her if she does it.  The last time she threatened that in my house, I told her that if she cuts my children's hair, I will hold her down and give her a "pig shave" !  She looked at me and said, "I don't care."  Well, last night, during her visit to check on me, she informed my youngest daughter that when I come home from the hospital, she will take a weeks vacation to come up here and SHE will be the boss in this house for that week!  I almost choked!  What do I do?  It's a very generous offer, but my husband already has arranged to be home, and I feel like that is our private time to bond with our new baby, and for our family to all get to know each other.  I will not be able to relax enough to breast-feed the baby with her in the room.  What if I get those baby blues like I did w/my other kids, and just want to cry for a few hours?  I can't do that w/her sitting there!  I'm not going to get up and seclude myself in the bedroom every time the baby wants to nurse or I need to just let go of some hormones.  I didn't sleep at all last night.  My husband is very intimidated by her and is reluctant to say anything.  If he did, I can just hear her response.  "Oh, I've seen a million boobs!  One more won't make a difference!"  "She can cry if she wants, I'll just ignore her"  "You just go back to work, I'll stay here and handle her and the baby."  I'm so afraid that she is going to "rob" us of this time with our baby, and possibly rob me of the chance to nurse my baby.  If she's here, I know I won't be able to relax enough to even get started.  Then, I'll lose that chance forever.  At the same time, I think she's trying to over compensate (to me) for the fact that my mom died.  We were very close, yet, when my other children were born, I told everyone to stay away until we were ready for company, and that we would not even begin to entertain "drop in" visits - Call First.  I don't think my MIL will be very receptive to the idea.  She is very overbearing, and will force her way in anyway.  My days are numbered.  This has put a shadow on this whole baby thing for us.  My husband doesn't want to hurt his mother, yet, he knows how strongly I feel about us having time alone to bond (all of us) w/our new baby.
2/22
        signed - Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"

RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
There's no two ways about it.  Your husband will have to tell her nicely that she's not coming.  By the way, lock your doors!  Also, don't answer the door if you don't feel like having company.  Geez, these MILs just don't get it.
2/23
RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
The only way to deal with your situation is to be honest.  Say something like, "thank you for your offer, but this is the way WE are going to handle this situation."  Don't try to candy-coat it.  Chances are that most MILs will be mad that they are not getting their way, so be stern.  I've had do that with mine.  She was mad at first.  She almost didn't come to our wedding (arrived late) and rehearsal.  She didn't speak to me at the wedding.  But, you know, its been 8 months, and she's better, and she knows (somewhat) what her boundaries are.  I wish you luck.
2/23
RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
Your story filled me with horror.  You HAVE to set down, FIRMLY, those same rules you did when your other children were born.  She can NOT push her way in without your permission.  PLEASE DON'T -- you will be SO miserable, and sorry.  You don't want to hurt her or your DH, but trust me, you will end up liking her a lot better if you do not let her walk all over you.  Please get this straightened out with her right away.  Set some limits!
2/23
RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
Congratulations on the new baby!  This should be a wonderful time for you.  You shouldn't let your pushy MIL spoil it for you.  You need to sit down with your husband (with a family counselor, if necessary, and if DH will go) and lay out your feelings and fears.  You're going to need his support, and he's going to have to learn to stand up to his mother and back you up all the way.  If he's not behind you, a lot of what you'll say will be ignored as "hormones" (that you don't really mean).  First off, the walking through the door without knocking has GOT to stop.  Start locking the doors.  If she has a key, change the locks.  She needs to understand that your house is your house, not hers, and that she is a guest.  She is family, yes, and she's welcome, but if you're busy with a new baby and two older children, you need her to at least call before she leaves her house and let you know she's coming.  Her disciplining your children needs to stop also.  Set limits and hold her to them.  Explain that you appreciate that she's trying to help, but if she interferes when you are disciplining YOUR children, it undermines your authority.  As for her taking a week off from work to descend on you the first week that you are with the baby, you and your husband BOTH need to let her know that the offer is appreciated, but you can handle it without her.  Tell her that your husband is taking time off to be with you, and you're having a stay-at-home vacation, just the two of you and the kids.  Good luck, and let us know how things turn out!
2/23
RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
Could you ask her to come after your husband goes back to work?  Maybe you could explain to her that you appreciate her generous offer, but it would be ever so much more helpful if she could come when you have no one to help you.  Nursing is difficult enough in the beginning.  You don't need her standing over you.  If she refuses, you are just going to have to stick to your guns and tell her "NO".  If she shows up uninvited, make her leave.  My MIL told me she was going to take a MONTH off from work when I had my baby.  I let her know that although I appreciated it, it was not necessary because I had other help.  She kept insisting and saying that she was coming no matter what. We had it out and I told her that if she came, she would be sitting outside until the police came because she was not coming in.  She was mad but she got the hint and did not come.  As you know by now, having a baby is very trying in those early weeks and you do not need someone around who is going to upset you.
2/23
RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
I think I would start hiding the scissors.  My daughters also have hair down to their butts, and I would be very upset if anyone dared to cut it off (or even suggested it).  Why not offer your MIL some better punishment alternatives (such as "time out") instead of beating your kids with a spoon or cutting off their hair.  How does your DH feel about her threatening your girls that way?  I think I would tell her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cut any hair on their heads, or touched them with a spoon, she would never be welcome in my home again.
2/26
RESPONSE:  Maternity Leave "Time Bomb"
I know exactly how you feel!  The whole time I was pregnant, my MIL kept informing me that she was going to be at the birth ( NO WAY!).  AND she thought that she would stay with me the first week.  Of course, my own mother was the one who stayed with me that first week, and she was just wonderful.  My MIL pouted and threw tantrums.  So, against our better judgment, we allowed her to stay the second week (I had a C-section and was having trouble getting around).  Well, let me tell you guys, that will never happen again!  She is half nuts to begin with.  She is very jealous, a hypochondriac, and it is always about her!  I had a week from hell, and DH had to kick her out a day early because our nerves were so bad.  Then, she had the nerve to tell me that the next time I have a baby she will be coming to the birth and staying for a week (because she always does what she wants, according to her).  She will not be around for the next one, because I will have her committed to a maximum security mental institution by then!  My advice is to keep her at bay.  That is a private time for your nuclear family, and you would be uncomfortable!  I was, among other things.  Good Luck!  NEVER AGAIN!
3/1
My mother-in-law is one of the most overbearing, opinionated, and worst nightmares that I have ever dealt with in my life.  Now, first, let me explain.  She has 6 children, of which only 3 have ever done anything good or legal in their lives.  I married one of the good ones.  We had our first child together recently, and I do have to give her credit where credit is due.  She was there for his birth, and if it wasn't for her, things would have gone terribly wrong.  Since I came home from the hospital, she has been over almost every day, giving her "opinion, advice and expertise".  She will ignore all schedules.  Everything, and I mean everything I do isn't just right.  She can do it better.  My husband and I have both told her about this, but it doesn't help.  She even goes as far as to deny that MY son looks like me.  Any ideas on how to handle this????
2/26
        signed - She Denies My Son Looks Like Me

RESPONSE:  She Denies My Son Looks Like Me
No offense, but if you're sick of her daily visits, don't answer the door.  Make sure all doors are locked, and hide in the bedroom until she leaves.  That's what I would do.  Keep doing it until she gets the hint and realizes you don't want company every day.  Good Luck.
3/1
Note: This story moved here from the 2/17/2001 archives due to recent receipt of a response

I can certainly top the "crummy gifts and cheap shots MIL".  My DH and I decided to blow the savings account one year to visit the MIL all the way across the country.  (Three full price airline tickets, and expenses from west coast to east coast, you do the math.)  We were newlyweds, and I had never met the in-laws except in short phone conversations.  I didn't know until after I got there that I was not very popular, as my DH's ex-wife was still "part of the family" there.  My DH got great gifts from his mother and sisters, but guess what I got?  All eyes were glued on me as I opened a small box (the only gift under the tree for me from a family of ten people).  It was a lump of coal.  They all laughed themselves silly at my bewilderment and hurt.  Sheesh.  From day one I've never been given even a small chance to be part of their lives.  My revenge?  We haven't been back since.  They have to come to us if they want to see their son.  When the MIL and FIL do come here to visit, I book them a room at a motel across the city so they'll have to pay for that AND a rental car (though we have three cars in our driveway, and a guest room).  Sweetums, two can play the ugly in-law game.  They may not have paid much for that gift so long ago, but they've paid in other ways for the hurt and ill will they caused ... and they've been paying for almost 20 years now.  It's true --- the last laugh each is the best.  Ha!
2/6
        signed - Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them

RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
That is one of the most hurtful gift stories I've seen posted here!  What an awful thing to do to you.  That would have hurt my feelings so much!  How did your husband react?  I don't blame you for dealing with them the way you have.  Bless your heart!
2/7
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
That is just awful!  Just curious, how do they behave when they come out to visit you?  I don't see how they can face you after pulling a stunt like that.  Also, how did your husband react to the lump of coal?
2/7
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
Okay, this is the story I've been waiting for.  I've been cruising this site for a long time, and your story has all the elements.  Each week's stories should be preceded by this one.

First, you really started out to be nice.  Second, she treated you in a shameful manner.  Third, YOU DIDN'T SAY, "Was it me?" and try and "kill them with kindness."  That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.  You recognized that THEY had the problem, you said, "Fine, never again," and put the burden on them.  It was a nice touch to book them across town and let them rent the car.  That was twenty years ago, and without being overtly mean, beating yourself up, or planning little revenge tactics, you simply handled it.  Hurray for you!

Now, would the poster let us know what the IL's had to say about this all these years?  Do they make nasty cracks, are they too stupid to notice you are doing it deliberately, or what?

For the readers: my outlaws treated me badly at first, as well, and "they have been paying for it ever since."  I just wish I'd done it sooner.  It took me too long to distance myself from them.
2/7
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
I felt sick, reading about that cruel gift to you. I can't imagine their thinking it was just an innocent joke, or that you could possibly find it funny.  It's almost unbelievable.  Even if you didn't like someone, you wouldn't be THAT overtly hostile.  It's very hard to understand.
2/7
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
Good for you!  I read your story and was horrified at the cr*p you had to put up with!  I am glad that you have stood up to your MIL!!
2/23
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
An eye for an eye?  Sure, you have been having fun ... for about 20 years.  But, don't you think it's about time to get over it?  It seems to me that, if you are still dwelling on the incident, you might have more inner problems than you realize.  After all, a family should try to get along ... eventually.  Think of how this has affected your children.  And what would your reactions be if your husband held a payback 20 year grudge on your mother?
2/25
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
The above response sounds like a MIL or FIL wrote it, with the, "How awful of you to think so little of your husband & children" heap-on-the-guilt tone to it.  Hello???  Where does it say in this story that the ILs ever apologized for their beyond-nasty deed?  Nowhere, that's where.  Anyone who pulled that crap on me would never be allowed to darken my doorstep again.  They got off easy, in my opinion.  Anything less than civil treatment that those horrible people got, they got because they EARNED IT.  So, save your sympathy for someone who deserves it.
2/26
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
This is in response to the respondent (second one back) who said "isn't it time to get over it"?  Well, well, it's the familiar poster again!  I think that the original poster has every right to hold a grudge against such a vicious act if she so pleases!  I don't know many people who wouldn't hang on to some hurt feelings over a lump of coal for a gift.  In fact, I know many friends, relatives, and neighbors who, for one reason or another, remember and resent bad treatment from the past.  It's only human!  But, of course, our "familiar" poster must have a perfect life and a perfect way of handling all negative situations.  Most people are not robots - feelings get hurt, and people DO remember hurtful situations!  I think the original poster is doing a great job of taking that lump of coal and making a diamond out of it.  To be successful in human relations, you shouldn't have to "get over" nasty treatment by others.  Instead, you should find successful ways of dealing with it, in your OWN unique way (even if that means REMEMBERING it!!).
2/26
RESPONSE:  Happy To Be 3500 Miles Away From Them
Don't listen to the nasty, chastising respondent telling you to "get over it".  I smell a rat (or a MIL) in that response!  Your ILs chose to reject you, and were deliberately cruel to you with that gift.  They made the choice.  It was their loss, and now they are reaping what they sow.  I like how you've handled them all these years!  It's what they deserve.
2/28
I have a serious problem with my DIL.  My son and DIL have been married for almost 10 years, and have two wonderful children.  In 1998, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent surgery and several months of chemo.  During that time, we had a wonderful relationship.  She seemed to like me.  But, as soon as I was well, 9 months later, she went back to being real cool to me.  She says the children are only bad for me, and that she can't handle them after they are with me.  She tells my granddaughter that I don't ever put anything back where it was (she is real neat).  I respect that she likes everything in its place, so do I, but she tells me not to do anything like cleaning up.  She says that she will do it.  And then she tells others that I never clean up.  I had a wonderful relationship with my MIL, and I grew to love her as much as my own mother.  I wanted to be that kind of MIL to her.  Her mother said she had a terrible MIL, and my DIL grew up not liking her father's mother, and did not see them much.  I tried not to say much, but now and then I would say that maybe her grandmother did not feel as welcome in her son's house as her daughter's house, and that, therefore, they were not coming there much.  She got furious, and said her mother was never liked by her MIL.  I let it drop, but I have thought what a waste of time, life is so short and you never know if you have next year.  I want so much to have a good relationship with my DIL.  I don't say anything to my son, because I don't want to effect his relationship with his wife.  They love each other, and have a wonderful family, and I feel this is the woman God wanted for my son.  I fear that something will happen to keep me from the close relationship I have with my grandchildren.  They are never allowed to stay over at my house, but they stay at the other grandparent's all the time.  It breaks my heart, but I don't want to cause a problem.  What can I do? Please help.
2/25
        signed - MIL Wants DIL's Love

RESPONSE:  MIL Wants DIL's Love
I feel for you, I really do.  I have a horrible MIL, and I swear I will not be like her.  But I have to be willing to accept the fact that there are some situations that you just can't win.  As long as she is not directly slamming you, and is just doing "petty" little things, I would just let it go.  Keep up the smile, and just continue being good to her and them.  She will eventually come around.  If she doesn't, then I don't think there is anything you could have done anyway.  I do know that speaking to your son behind her back would be a BIG NO - NO.  Maybe you could just tell her that you want to be close to her, and ask her what you need to do to make that happen.  She may be very receptive.  You never know.  Good luck.  My prayers are with you.
2/26
RESPONSE:  MIL Wants DIL's Love
Hmmm - toughie.  Sometimes it helps to have other people to troubleshoot with, to give you some new ideas.  Here are some thoughts, for what they're worth.  You mentioned that you have a very good relationship with your own MIL.  Why did you love her?  Did she behave in particular ways that won your heart (if so, will you tell us about it?  We love stories like that -- they're rare on this web site!)?  Or, was it mostly your own self-discipline (that you made the decision to love her?)?  Please tell us more about that good relationship!  I think we'd be all ears!  That, in itself, might give you insight on how to get along better with your DIL.  What did your MIL do -- what was she -- that earned your love?  Is your DIL the kind of person who is critical of EVERYONE (my SIL is -- I don't think ANYONE could please her.  She's always complaining about EVERYONE!).  Do you sense that she has a problem with you, specifically?  If she's critical of everyone, and not loyal to anyone (I don't gather that from your message), then it doesn't really have anything to do with you, and it's no use trying to get her to approve of you.  She just doesn't approve of ANYONE.  That's how my SIL is.  Then, all you can do is just try to be the best, kindest, most considerate person you can be.  Treat her well, and just don't worry what she thinks of you (or you'll only be hurt).  If you think, though, that it's personal -- that she's annoyed with you in particular (you mentioned she is cool to you), then maybe there are things you can do to win her love.  I read a great article recently BY a mother-in-law.  I loved HER upon reading it, and wished she were MY MIL!!  She urged treating one's DIL even a little BETTER than one's son -- giving her even nicer presents, etc., and never showing obvious favoritism to the son.  She advocated not giving advice or domineering opinions (unless pressed for them).  DILs hate unsolicited advice or opinions on their own affairs.  They feel attacked and threatened by it.  I think a DIL would love a MIL who was polite enough to respect her relationship with her DIL, as well as her DIL's relationship with the children (the MIL's grandchildren) above the MIL's OWN relationship with the grandchildren.  One way MILs annoy DILs is by being possessive or competitive with the grandchildren.  They are the DIL's children, after all, not the MIL's.  One thing that has turned me off about my own MIL is the way she tries to get other people to love and appreciate her without loving and appreciating THEM first.  She brags about how she won over her OWN MIL, who didn't like her at first.  But she never says that SHE loved her MIL, or liked HER, at all.  I sometimes feel like she's trying to win me over in a similar way -- that she wants me to love and adore HER -- even though she doesn't particularly like ME.  I don't feel that she dislikes me either.  We enjoy each other a lot of the time -- she just seems, a lot of the time, to be putting her energy into getting ME to appreciate HER.  Love is hard to resist.  If you genuinely like or love someone, and enjoy them, THEN they'll be very inclined to like you back.  But trying to get THEM to love or like YOU is awfully hard, unless you feel that way about them first.  If you adore and enjoy your DIL, as well as being loyal and supportive of her, I think the chances are awfully good that things will get better between you.  I hope so, anyway.  You may not have any control, ultimately, over her feelings or behavior, but you can keep growing yourself -- that's one thing you DO have control over.  I hope this doesn't sound depressing or disrespectful.  You don't sound like a really bad MIL at all, and I wish you well.  God bless you.
2/26
RESPONSE:  MIL Wants DIL's Love
It was brave of you to write to this web site.  If you've read a lot of the posts, a lot of us carry some pretty serious grievances against our MILs.  I hope someone has some insight into your problem and can help you.  I think it must be awfully hard to be a MIL.  I think I am awfully thin-skinned when it comes to my own MIL.  I am capable of liking her and enjoying her, but it's also VERY easy for me to feel offended by things she says.  I don't open up to my MIL anymore about any personal or family problems because what I really wanted was her support -- instead, she would always imply that any problems must be my fault, and that SHE would have been able to handle the situation well.  I do love a lot of people, but I have had one or two very damaging, hostile people in my life who genuinely caused me harm.  Those were the ones I was opening up to her about.  The only thing I can think of is that your DIL might have had a similar feeling when she opened up to you about her mother's problems with her MIL.  Some MILs really ARE horrible to their DILs (if you read some of these posts, you'll probably realize that there ARE some HORRID MILs!) and her mother's MIL might have been completely different than the wonderful MIL you loved so much.  I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful.  I hope things work out for you and your DIL.  I have taken offense at a lot of things my MIL has said, and it takes me a while to get over those things.  Our relationship has not been damaged beyond repair, and when she is kind and respectful to me, and not too demanding or intrusive, it does much to heal the grudges of the past.  I have high hopes for our relationship in the future, and will pray for yours too.
2/26
RESPONSE:  MIL Wants DIL's Love
If she doesn't want them to spend the night, there isn't too much you can do about it.  You can invite them over and see them when they visit.  As far as her being close while you were sick, it may be that she wanted to show support, but is a private person.  Some people need their privacy to be happy.  People are brought up differently, and have different personalities.  My MIL wanted us to be "best friends."  I did enjoy doing things with her at first, but it was never enough.  She expected us to be at her beck and call just because we live in town.  Her two daughters live out of town.  She felt the need to invite herself along on our weekend plans a lot of the time.  If we casually mentioned wanting to go to a specific place, she would say, "That sounds like fun, WE should go!"  There is a difference between wanting to be part of someone's life, and trying to control it.  She stopped by unannounced all the time, even after my repeated requests for her to call first.  I think it is rude to assume that people want company when they are not expecting it, family and friends included.  My MIL makes a big deal out of not getting to see her grandchildren.  After she has spent time with them, she makes negative statements.  To me, it seems like complaining.  She does this with her two daughter's children in front of me.  She doesn't realize that this doesn't make her look very good in the eyes of others.  "XXX and the kids spent the night (at her request), and I hardly got any sleep."  She goes to her other daughter's children's wrestling matches and dance recitals and feels the need to inform us; "XXX did a good job wrestling, BUT it lasted all day, and was such a long drive."  Then she continues to make a big deal out of the fact that she didn't think it was right that he received a trophy when he didn't place in the events.  "XXX did good at the recital, BUT it didn't let out until ten o'clock, and she was only in two of the routines."  Her daughter just wants to make her feel that she is a part of their lives at her Mother's request, and instead of just saying something positive and leaving it at that, she has to say negative things.  I will not invite her to any of my child's future events after listening to her say those negative things.  I wanted you to see the other side of a story, to give some insight.  She sounds like a person who wants some privacy.  I have made and heard this statement before; "I married you, not your family."  I have also read it plenty of times here before.  You can be the nicest person in the world, some people still want their privacy.  This is the way I feel.
2/26
RESPONSE:  MIL Wants DIL's Love
This is a note of appreciation to the respondent who brought up the point about how some people just need their privacy.  Thank you!  You certainly speak for me too.  Very well put.  You could be the nicest person in the world and the person would still just need their privacy (nothing personal).  It can be very alarming when someone seems incapable of respecting that.  We are not accusing the poster of being this way!!  It's just a good point.  I am someone who thrives on a lot of privacy too.  I deeply appreciate people who genuinely respect that.  The unfortunate thing is that it's hard for people to understand that they're being intrusive.  I even had an UNBEARABLY intrusive friend who wouldn't give me any peace.  She assured me that she (unlike other people, she said) "gave me my privacy."  More than anyone else, I knew she was exhausting me with her constant demands and clamoring for attention.
2/28
RESPONSE:  MIL Wants DIL's Love
My MIL doesn't get to see our children much, but my mother does.  I will give you the reasons why I, as a DIL, condone the situation, because it may contain some hints for your situation.  I do think, though, that wanting her to love you is a lot to ask.  I understand that, because you were lucky enough to have a great relationship with your MIL, you expected the same with your DIL.  Since her mother had the opposite experience, you must realize that your DIL most likely has low expectations of your relationship.  Anyway, here are the reasons why my mil sees so little of her grandchildren.  1.  She would ring to invite me to bring the children (2 and 4yrs ) on an outing.  She was not flexible about the day or time, and I was expected to bring the children to her.  2.  I would never say no, and made a real effort to be pleasant despite the awful things she did to me in the past.  She would be critical of my mothering in passive-aggressive ways, and I would come home highly stressed.  3.  When I would invite her to tea, she always refused.  4.  When I would invite her to visit the children, or go on an outing with the children and I, she would never say yes.  She would say that she would let me know, and I would be left hanging.  Often, she would cancel half an hour before she was expected to arrive.  5.  She made it obvious that she wanted to be alone with the children, and wanted me out of the picture.  She was hurt that I didn't want to let her baby sit my children when they were babies.  I WAS HURT that she didn't understand that it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with my style of mothering.  My son wasn't separated from me until I went in to labor with his sister!  6.  She showed no RESPECT for me as a person or as a mother.  She ignored my wishes and broke promises.  When I was at her house, she considered that she was in control.  For example, when my son asked her for a present when we arrived because she often gave him one the minute we walked in the door, I said to him " Sweetheart it is not polite to ask for presents."  She said, "In grandma's house he can ask for a present whenever he wants."  The following week we walked in and my son asked for a present.  She got flustered because she didn't have one and called him "a spoiled brat!"  7.  She refused to make her home child safe so that I could relax a little.  She told me it was my job to watch them.  Of course I watched them, but it helps if the pool is fenced, the spa pool has a cover, and the fish ponds aren't over their heads.  It also helps if she puts the chemicals, etc up high.  My mother made her home child safe because she wanted the kids to be over a lot.  Guess what?  They were!  8.  She gave me ADVICE all the time.  She thinks she is being helpful, but it drives me insane.  9.  She does all the talking and trashes my ideas and opinions.  She loves to back stab other people including her children and her other DIL.  It never occurs to her that I have assumed that she back stabs me to them.  She thinks that she is giving me the impression that I am the favored DIL.  She plays her children off against each other the same way.  10.  She puts my daughter down in her hearing.  She favors my son.  I think you're able to get the picture by now.  If I were your DIL, I would appreciate you asking me what you could do to improve the situation.  For example, you might say "DIL, I'd love to see more of the grandkids.  You mentioned that they are a hand full after a visit to my place.  What can I do to prevent that happening?  What do you think I am doing that causes it?"  After that, LISTEN, really LISTEN to her.  Try not to be defensive or butt in with explanations or excuses.  Reflect back to her what she is saying.  You might say, "Oh, so you think it's because I let them eat lots of lollies and junk food.  Should I give them less, or do you want me to cut it out all together?"  Make it clear that you see her as the decision maker, and that they are her kids, and her decision, would be a really good start.  GOOD LUCK.  You sound like a really lovely person.  Just be honest with her and friendly.  Respect is the key.  Most MILs are two faced, passive-aggressive monsters (unfortunately) in my opinion.
2/28
I wrote a story few weeks ago about my MIL and SIL who are showing a keen interest in my job applications now.  In the past, they have given me hints that I should not be working, and should be a housewife.  I remember getting responses from some of you who suggested that this might be a nice gesture on their part now, and that I should take it as it comes now.  Well, both of them call us each week, and each time they call, they ask me about whether I have heard anything about job offers.  It is getting really annoying.  Even my own parents are not showing that much excessive interest in my job prospects.  It is getting annoying, because each time they ask, I have to tell them I have not heard anything, and it reminds me of the whole painful process of job applications.  The last time I talked to each one of them, I got really alarmed.  After I explained to his sister the whole process about one campus visit (my meetings with Professors and the questions they asked me), I was honest enough to open up to her and say they asked me a question I did not think about before.  Later in our conversation, she laughed sarcastically and said, "but you could not answer that one question."  I did not say anything to that effect.  Then, she become colder as the conversation went on, and she asked to speak to her brother.  She asked him afterwards how we are going to manage if I get the job (whether it would be possible to commute).  These are issues that are none of her business.  I felt alarmed, especially since my husband has confided in me before, and told me that, after his family met me for the first time, both his mother and sister (the witches) warned him that I might be too ego-driven (someone who would likely want to pursue a career, and might not follow him or compromise if we get job offers at separate places!!).  I was so hurt by that claim.  Well, his mother was away for three weeks, and after she arrived on Friday, the first thing she did was call us early in the morning, talk a little bit about her trip, and then ask me whether I have heard anything!!  When I went about describing my campus visit to her (the same way I did to the sister), she cut me off and asked, "And when did you go to ...," in a tone that implies that she wants to control me, and wants to get to know where I go and when.  When I described my meeting with the Dean, she cut me off in the middle of the conversation and asked to speak to her son, without saying good-bye or anything!!  These people live abroad, mind you, but I have been noticing that each time they call us from abroad, which is almost every weekend early in the morning, there is a sour mood in our house afterwards (or even an argument between me and my husband).  I have never seen this before.  They really want to control me from beyond the ocean, and via the phone.  The more I try to understand these people, the more I cannot.  One thing I am sure about is that they don't like me, they are jealous of me, they think I am from a different race and religion and a third world country and that I am poor.  So, I cannot take it as a nice gesture when they show such excessive interest in my job hunting.  Evil!!
2/26
        signed - Excessive Interest In My Job Hunting

RESPONSE:  Excessive Interest In My Job Hunting
I felt a lot of sympathy for you.  Sometimes it takes a while for people's true colors to make themselves clear, and you gave them the benefit of the doubt.  You were willing to think they meant well.  It turns out that they didn't.  I think the only thing you can do is distance yourself from them, and stop opening up to them.  I think you've been hurt (and am sorry if I'm one of the people who suggested that you put a good construction on it -- I'm afraid I was).  Just don't talk to them (let your husband do it).  Make sure you have an answering machine so that you never get stuck answering the phone incase it is them.  If it is, pass them over IMMEDIATELY to your husband.  Don't let them torture you like this anymore.  You were a very decent, reasonable person to them, and you definitely gave them a chance.  Be glad they live far away.  Why are they so interested in your business, anyway?  They must have pretty empty lives themselves.  They sound awful.
2/28
I have a FIL and MIL that are basically nice people.  They leave us alone, offer to help when they think we might need it, and basically call occasionally just to be nice.  So, I bet you wonder why I am complaining?  Well, they have a problem that is a little annoying.  They are complete pessimists.  I mean, it is to the point that I sometimes dread talking with them.  If I mention that a friend has a small lump on her breast, my MIL will send me cancer articles and cancer support group information to give her (even though it has been diagnosed as a cyst).  When we had a pregnancy test come back abnormal, they immediately started saying that they would help us when our "special needs" child arrived.  When the doctors confirmed that the test was wrong and the baby was fine, they still continued to act as though we were going to have an abnormal baby.  Lately, I mentioned that I would be cutting back to part time hours in order to spend more quality time with my children.  The only response I got was, "Well, I hope you and DH have seriously talked about this, because it is expensive to quit work, and so many people file bankruptcy at your age."  We have never borrowed money (from them or anyone else), we have no credit card debt, no car payments, and are able to afford to do this.  Nonetheless, I feel as if I am a child.  Does anyone else have this problem?  How do you deal with it?
2/26
        signed - ILs Looks On The Stormy Side Of Life

RESPONSE:  ILs Looks On The Stormy Side Of Life
The simplest solution to your problem is to never, ever tell them anything the least bit unpleasant until you absolutely have to.  Negative people often have no idea what effect their "concern" has on others.  No doubt they mean well, but if I were you I would keep any possible bad news to myself until I was sure.  They might be upset because they weren't told sooner, but it will probably save you more grief than it causes in the long run.
2/27
RESPONSE:  ILs Looks On The Stormy Side Of Life
You could have been writing about MY MIL.  We always joke that she doesn't see the glass as half empty or half full, instead, she sees it as a potentially poisonous liquid.  No matter what is going on, no matter how good the news, she can find something in it to worry about.  My DH likes to say she "has a tragedy for every occasion".  To the world, Cindy Crawford is a beautiful woman whose trademark is a birthmark on her face.  To my MIL, she is a woman who needs to see a dermatologist about a potential malignant melanoma above her lip.  Every stomach flu is possibly an appendicitis or a parasitic infection.  One time, when my son was colicky, she told me that she was sure that he had a bowel obstruction.  By the way, she has NO medical training at all.  If the stock market is down, she complains along with everyone else, but with a "why does all the bad luck always happen to me?" attitude - as if the market is out to get her personally, and as if nobody else was adversely affected.  If the market is up, she is sure it will crash momentarily, and carries on about how nervous she is about having her money there.  I could go on and on with real examples of more things that she has done over the years.  We try to be careful not to tell her too much.  It is sad that we can't speak freely, but it is just not worth being forthcoming where she is concerned, because she can drive us insane.  I once read that people like this feel the need to control everything in their lives.  If they think about and/or discuss all of the possible (and sometimes outrageous) outcomes, then they feel they have covered all of their bases.  It is very egotistical, but it is disguised as worry.  I feel for you.  I know what it is like to be around people like this.  It can be annoying and frustrating, but it can also give you a lot to laugh about.  Try writing it down. When it is all in one place (on paper), it can seem funny after a while because it is sooo ridiculous.  If you like writing, maybe it would make a good magazine article.
2/27
RESPONSE:  ILs Looks On The Stormy Side Of Life
Yes, I have that problem.  The only way I can deal with it is by avoiding them as much as possible.  I don't answer the phone when I know they are likely to call, and don't jump on the phone when my H answers and I can tell it's them.  The less time I spend with them, the better.
2/28
Well, I met my wife, and we lived together for some time before getting married.  We had a wonderful marriage for about a year, 'til her mother was divorced, and had nowhere else to go but to live with us.  My wife's mother was left a rickety-old shack to live in, and this is where hell began.  She was constantly in our lives.  I could not take it.  She is so annoying, and makes things three times worse than what they really are.  If I don't do something right, she tattles on me to my wife like a little 5 year old.  She is so loud that she wakes me out of a cold sleep when she walks into the living room (which is right off my bedroom).  She does this at 5 am, before she has to go to work.  She tells us how to spend our money.  She comes home from work and goes off on her little tirades, and yells at the top of her lungs about how she hates males, and that if she could, she would cut off all their male parts and throw them away.  This is what I put up with on a daily basis.  Any suggestions on how I can cope with this woman?  She is ruining my marriage.
2/26
        signed - She Is Ruining My Marriage

RESPONSE:  She Is Ruining My Marriage
Find some low-income housing for her to live in, and tell her to GET OUT!
2/27
RESPONSE:  She Is Ruining My Marriage
It sounds like a real mess.  If your MIL has a job, can't she afford her own apartment?  It sounds to me like you need this woman OUT of your home.  Have you discussed this with your wife?  You didn't mention her or how she feels about the whole situation.  Remember, your wife grew up with this woman and is USED to this kind of behavior.  It may not seem out of line to her.  Sit her down when your MIL is out (or go out because the MIL should NOT be in on this one) and calmly explain to her what the problems are.  TELL her how important your marriage is to you and that your MIL is causing stress that you don't know how to cope with.  You NEED a united front to get your MIL OUT of your home.  Best of luck and let us know how things turn out! OUT!
2/28
I haven't had any contact with my MIL for many years due to her emotionally abusive treatment of me.  My husband, however, still sees her about once a month.  Last week, he came home to tell me that MIL is planning on petitioning for Grandparent's Rights even before we have our first child (I'm not even pregnant yet!) because she knows she'll never get to see the kids.  My husband told me that MIL called me a "selfish troll".  I'm very upset, and don't know why my husband didn't defend me.  I'm also afraid to have kids now.  How should I handle this situation?  Also, to the person who always posts "get over it Sweetheart", it has taken me many months to get up my guts to post my story.  Your many past negative posts have made me reluctant to post here, but I've finally gotten up the courage to.  I would appreciate it if you kept your negative, harsh, "holier-than-thou" comments to yourself regarding my post. I only want supportive, positive comments.  Thank you.
2/26
        signed - I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!

RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
I would question why DH would come home and tell you something that would only serve to hurt you.  Does he feel some weird obligation to tell you?  If he doesn't, does he think it's like condoning it?  I would ask him.  My DH used to tell me the snide little remarks his mother made, and I finally told him how it made me feel.  I don't want to know!  It only serves to destroy what little self esteem I've managed to gather up.  My advice to you would be to start to see a counselor with or without DH.  You cannot live in a marriage where you are afraid to have children.  You need to know that DH is on YOUR side if you are to stay with him.  Once children are in the mix, things get 100 times worse!!  A counselor can give you an unbiased opinion.  One that your husband may be more likely to acknowledge.  It really helped us.  Of course, DH didn't want to go.  I started going without him, and he quickly realized that I was serious and the marriage was really on rocky ground.  That was a good wake up call for us both!  Good luck!!!!
2/27
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
If you are young, I would postpone childbirth.  I have the same problem, yet I am 37.  I feel like we have to move forward with producing children, even though I have many, many fears about it.
2/27
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
This is easier said than done.  My advice to you is to think long and hard before you conceive a child with your husband.  I don't mean to sound mean or critical, but babies do not help a bad situation to get better.  If he is not standing up for you, then who will when it comes to your MIL?  If you have any doubt, HEED THAT FEELING.  If you and DH do have a baby, and you divorce, you will have little or no control over that baby when it comes time for visitation to Grandma (MIL).  Also, consider family counseling, too!  Maybe your DH needs to hear from an unbiased source that you (not his mother) are his priority.  I wish you much peace and prayer.  I know my words are harsh, but I understand your feeling.  P.S.  Don't get over it "sweetheart", you have a big decision to make!! J
2/27
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
I also wonder why your husband doesn't defend you.  I hope the other readers have some good thoughts on this.  Have you and your husband thought of counseling regarding this matter (your MIL and your DH not defending you)?
2/27
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
I wish I could give you a big hug, because I know your pain and your frustration.  My MIL has already threatened me with court, and I have no kids now, nor have I ever been pregnant.  People like this feed off of other people's fear.  She's trying to intimidate you.  Whatever you do, DO NOT let her.  You are a strong woman with a mind of your own, and when the day comes that you become a mother, you will know who you feel safe leaving your children with.  If one of those people isn't her, then so be it.  You have to do what feels right for you and your child.  I'm not condoning keeping your children away from their grandparents, but in my case it's not a SAFE environment and therefore my children will not be spending time there.  People like our MILs are manipulative, bottom feeding slugs who use people's weaknesses to get them to submit to their head games.  Don't do it!  Be the bigger person and keep your head up high!  You're in my thoughts!
2/27
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
Threatening to sue for grandparent's rights for a child that isn't even born yet is bizarre.  So bizarre, in fact, that I suggest that you see an attorney to find out what the status of grandparent's rights is in your state.  There may be differences in the laws in each state.  If your state laws are not favorable for your situation, I suggest that you move to one that is.  Move before you conceive.  In addition, moving further away may create better behavior from your MIL - sometimes a starvation diet is useful.
2/28
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
I don't think even the "get over it, Sweetheart" poster would have anything critical to say about your post.  It's too bad about what you're dealing with.  I have some questions for you.  What is your relationship with your husband?  Was he being mean to tell you that cruel remark your MIL made?  Sometimes it's mean to innocently "pass along" someone else's unkind comment.  What's your sense of this?  Are you happy with the marriage?  Do you genuinely trust your DH and feel comfortable with him?  I hope he's pretty decent, for you to have to put up with HER.  The other question is this - do you really want to have children?  If so, maybe you could talk to a lawyer ahead of time to be ready for that awful woman's petition for grandparent's rights.  I don't think the grandparents always win in cases like this.  I'm sorry to ask you so many questions about your marriage, but it sounds like there are so many really depressing things you have to put up with.  You don't have children yet.  So, if you sense the entire marriage is a mistake, then you might have some thinking to do.  I never thought I'd say this, but I believe in the permanence of marriage, for the most part.  I have to admit that sometimes a marriage is a terrible situation, a mistake.  Sometimes a woman gets out of an unbearable situation (complete with a horrible, nightmarish MIL) and goes on to find a much better, soul-affirming situation with a GREAT MIL.  What really matters is your relationship with your husband.  If your gut instinct tells you he's a genuinely good man, it might be worth dealing with the (very serious) problems with your MIL.  I feel bad for you, and wish you well.
2/28
RESPONSE:  I'm Not Even Pregnant Yet!
Congratulations on getting yourself away from your emotionally abusive MIL.  It sounds like you now need to have a long talk with your husband.  ASK him why he didn't defend you.  I'm HOPING that he did, and you just didn't mention it.  However, a lot of men let comments slide rather than getting into confrontations.  Make SURE he understands that when he doesn't support you, even when you aren't there, it is hurtful to you.  I would hope he doesn't make a habit of repeating every nasty word she says about you, and that he just brought up this conversation about Grandparents' Rights as a warning.  I wouldn't worry about her unless you ARE planning to have children immediately.  If you are, I'd suggest giving a family lawyer a call, and setting up an appointment to discuss the problem.  A lot of lawyers offer free initial consultations.  Ask the lawyer exactly what your MIL can do and what rights YOU have.  Explain that this is all coming about before you're even pregnant.  That way it's glaringly obvious that she's doing it to hurt you rather than out of any affection for children that don't even exist yet!
2/28
I have a problem, but it is not with my MIL, it's with my BIL.  My DH is a twin (identical), and his brother is always at our house.  We just bought it, and I took a month off form work to decorate my house.  I work in the interior design field, so I know what I am doing.  Well, my BIL comes over when he knows my DH is at work and makes passes at me.  Now, because they are twins I'm having trouble telling my DH.  We have been married for five years.  We were high school sweethearts.  I have really known his whole family most of my life.  We just moved back to our hometown after we both finished grad school.  I have talked to my mom and my MIL (we have an okay relationship, but she is a lot like most of the MILs I read about here).  They differ in their opinions.  My MIL tells me not to tell (surprise!), while my mom tells me I should.  I am afraid my DH will be angry that I let him in, or that I dressed too sexy (in jeans and a sweater?).  He is very insecure!  Now that we are back home, I'm afraid this might push him over the edge.  Any words of advice will be appreciated greatly.  I really want to tell him, to get it off my chest, but I keep hearing my MIL in my head telling me that I will destroy the entire family, and drive a wedge between best friends forever if I do.  PLEASE HELP!!
2/23
        signed - Trouble with BIL

RESPONSE:  Trouble with BIL
DON'T LET HIM IN - PERIOD!  Tell him flat out to stop bothering you.  Tell your husband that you told BIL to stop bothering you.  Don't answer the door if you see his car outside.  The hell with breaking up the family.  If they want to get all upset because you won't put up with his misbehavior, that's their problem.
2/25
RESPONSE:  Trouble with BIL
Having watched entirely too many soap operas lately, I will advise you to tell your husband now, before he finds out from his brother, best friend, uncle, mother, etc.  The truth always comes out in the end, so it's better to tell your story first, than your hubby taking his brother's side.  This does sound like a soap.  Any chance of shacking up with the twin, too?
2/25
RESPONSE:  Trouble with BIL
I have had no experience similar to yours, but my instant response to your posting was DEAL DIRECTLY with your BIL.  Tell him to ##### off.  You do not like the inappropriate way he is treating you, and you want him to leave the house RIGHT NOW!  Tell him that you love his brother, and if he doesn't get that, then he obviously does not love his brother.  Jeez, failing all that, just kick the bastard in the cahonies and leave him to explain to his brother why he has a squeak in his voice (ha ha).  Forget the softly softly approach.
2/25
RESPONSE:  Trouble with BIL
You should definitely tell your husband something happened.  You can tell him in a way that won't cause an explosion.  Tell him you're uncomfortable when BIL is over when you're alone.  And, you know what? - don't let him in anymore, you're asking for trouble.  Most victims of rape know their attackers - some are even family members.  Look out.
2/25
RESPONSE From Poster:  Trouble with BIL
I am the original poster of this story, and I took the advice given in the first response and told my DH.  Now he is not speaking to anyone in his family, and we have a restraining order on his brother and mother.  To make a long story short, I was at home expecting my DH any minute when his brother showed up.  I know they had talked, and my DH asked him not to come unless he was there too.  He wasn't alone.  My MIL was with him.  They tried to force me to either tell my DH that I was lying, or get a divorce.  The whole time that my MIL was screaming at me, my brother and DH were standing in the doorway behind her.  Then my BIL made the comment that brothers share everything, and since I was making all these allegations, we should go upstairs and give me something to whine/scream about.  To say the least, I am suing both his mother and brother for defamation of character (after they were thrown out they went all over town saying despicable, untrue things!).  Our house is up for sale, and we are moving back to where we went to college.  My parents will be closer to us then (they moved a couple of weeks ago). Although that will not make it to easy for my DH, I am more understanding of this now, and will not push him to be best friends with my family.  Though he and my Bro are close, I will just be happy with that.  I want to say thank you to all of you who gave me advice.  Please pray that this goes away with a retraction of what they said in the local paper and no lawsuit coming to a head.  We told them if they publicly apologized for what they said and told EVERYONE it was a lie, the lawsuit would be dropped.  Again, thank you.
2/27
Yesterday, my MIL told me to keep a certain date free for my SIL's baby shower.  I will not be going.  What amazes me is that she would think that I would be interested!

This Christmas, she, my FIL, my SIL, and BIL, plus lord knows who else, had a family meeting on Christmas day to discuss the DIL problem (me).  It was decided that my FIL should ring my DH on CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!  He told my DH that they had tried to be the best possible in-laws they could be to me, but that they weren't prepared to accept my behavior or the behavior of my parents anymore.  (They think that I am a child, and that is how they treat most other adults, too)  They told him that I was a bad DIL, a bad mother, and a bad wife.  They said that my parents were demanding and manipulative.  They told my DH that he treats everybody like s###, and that he was not to bring his wife and children to visit them at their holiday home until he had sorted out his ISSUES with his wife and her parents.

The short version of what followed is that my DH said enough is enough and stood by me, and spent a lot of the holiday with my family - not because I wanted to visit them, but because he wanted to.  Anyway, after yesterday's invitation from my MIL, who along with my FIL has decided to pretend that the Christmas phone call never happened, I asked my DH if he had raised the issue with them.  He said that he had talked to his mother, and had told her that he was not prepared to put up with his father attacking "his family".  He said that he didn't say much more because, "How can you have a discussion with someone who says black is white?"  I asked him, "What do you mean?"  He said his mother told him that he was being over sensitive about what his father said.  She also said that it was his fault that it happened, because he changed his mind and didn't pop in to say hi on Christmas day.  My DH never said that we would call in Christmas day.  My FIL told him to, because he was angry that we would not be spending Christmas day with them.  Ironically, he believes my parents are demanding and manipulative because we spent Christmas day with them.

We visited my in-laws on Christmas eve.  The year before, we spent Christmas eve with my family, and spent the Christmas day with my in-laws! Sooooo, I will not be going to the baby shower. My SIL has taken sides, and it is not in her interest to be friends with me, because she wants her mother's help with the new baby. Anyway, the upcoming arrival of their 3rd grandchild reminds me of the incidents involving my two children.

Here are just a few.
1. My MIL said she would be at the birth, and was hurt that I said no.
2. My MIL informed me that she would be moving in to take care of me after the birth. I said thank you but no. She persisted, and said that I was being very hurtful.
3. A day before I went into labor, my MIL visited (she lived in another city then).  My DH asked her to stay another day or two so she could see the baby.  She said no.
4. I had an emergency c-section after both the baby and I were in danger.
5. My MIL and FIL visited me at home where my DH and Mum were looking after me.  They made light of my c-section, and said that they didn't want to hear about it.
6. The first thing my MIL said to me when I handed her my precious son was, "What a pity he is not a girl."
7. When my daughter was born, she didn't come to see her until she was 3 months old.
8. She played with my newborn son.  Thinking she was alone she said, "Do you love your Mummy?  Well your Mummy loves you.  Yes, I do."
 My DH overheard and was upset.  He said, "You are NOT his Mummy!"  She said, "Oh, you know what I mean."
9. My son was crying to be fed.  I asked her to pass him to me so I could breastfeed him.  She said, "No.  He only has wind."  I said, "I want to feed him."  "No," she said, "You will only make him worse."  I tried to embarrass her into handing him over by opening my bra and exposing my breast, once again saying I wanted to feed him.  She turned her back on me and walked away saying, "NO."  I got up and pulled my son out of her arms.
10. My son rarely had wind, perhaps because breastfed babies don't gulp down as much air.  When he did have wind he would do little farts in his nappy.  We called him a bottom burper.  My MIL, who bottle fed her children, insisted on trying to get him to bring up wind after feeds, and would not be gentle, quite firmly patting my sons back.  She made him cry because she was being so rough, and my DH asked her to be more gentle.  She told him that she knew what she was doing.  My DH removed my son and gave him to me.
11. She would ring me early in the morning to ask me if I was coping.  I would tell her that she had woken me and that I needed my sleep.  Instead of saying sorry, she would then offer to move in to take care of me.  I would say no thanks, and she would then ring me again and again.  When that failed to break me, she gave my phone number to her friends, and they started ringing me up because she told them that I would like it.  I bought an answer phone in the end, because I was so sleep deprived that I was losing it.  There were many, many other incidents.  Thanks for listening.  It helps to rant every now and then.
2/25
        signed - Won't Be Going To The Baby Shower

RESPONSE:  Won't Be Going To The Baby Shower
After reading about all your MIL's antics, you have my wholehearted sympathy.  She was AWFUL, and incredibly intrusive.  It's just astonishing to me that someone could be like that.  And they complain about YOU as the problem just for not letting them unfairly walk all over you?  Well, thank goodness you stick to your guns.  As for your SIL, if you like her, you could always SEND her a baby gift, even if you don't go to the shower.  But I'd say follow your gut feeling about this.
2/26
RESPONSE:  Won't Be Going To The Baby Shower
Wow, and I thought my MIL was pushy!  Hooray for you on holding your ground.  She apparently thought that she could manipulate you into doing what she wanted, or tried to wear you down.  Some people just can't get the hint.  Even though some MIL's might be nice (not yours), it still doesn't mean that we want to be their version of "best friends."  Their version of "best friends" is stopping by unannounced as frequently as they feel the need, while thinking that we don't have anything better to do than occupy their time and accommodate them.  Once you give in, they expect to accompany you on your weekend plans, and will never give you any privacy.  Their version of "best friends" is trying to run your life.  Just my opinion!  Best of Luck!
2/26
My FIL, who had Alzheimer's, passed away during December 2000.  Ever since then, my MIL focuses on our lives even more, since she does not have him to take care of anymore.  She was THE ADVICE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD before.  Now, she is totally unbearable.  We received some life insurance money, and she thinks she can decide what we are going to do with it.  We decided to use it for fertility office bills that have accumulated, adopting a child if I don't become pregnant, child birth and child expenses if I do become pregnant, and the rest would pay down what we owe on our house.  My MIL has decided that we need to buy a brand new minivan immediately, even though we don't even need a minivan at this point in our lives (its just the 2 of us), and she has decided that the rest of the money should be invested in stocks.  According to her, his 2 sisters have already invested most of their money in stocks, and they did the right thing.  She has basically said about 30 times to date, if we don't spend the $ the way she wants us too, we are making a big mistake.  She thinks paying down on the house is a stupid move, yet, ironically, they paid off their house very early, and my FIL really believed in paying the house off early, and we received the insurance $ because of him.  She also announced several times, in a loud voice in front of my H and his 2 sisters (they are in their 30's and have never been married, i.e. I am the only spouse), "SPOUSES WILL NOT HAVE ANY SAY IN HOW THIS $ WILL BE SPENT!!!"  She dragged us with her to a couple of car dealerships, pointed at my H and told the sales person, "My son is going to be buying a minivan."  She also refers to our house as her son's house, and our wedding was her son's wedding.
2/25
        signed - She Is Certainly Not An Advice Columnist

RESPONSE:  She Is Certainly Not An Advice Columnist
I HATED your MIL after reading your message!!  How utterly rude and intrusive of her.  I bet everyone who knows the two of you feels sorry for you having to deal with her.
2/26
RESPONSE:  She Is Certainly Not An Advice Columnist
OK, so quit going to look at cars with her.  She is a master manipulator.  Only you can let her rule your life.
2/26
I just found out that my close uncle has cancer.  I rushed all week to get everything done so I could make a quick trip to see him.  My mother-in-law asked about my uncle, and after (welling up with tears) telling her not good, this is what happened.  I was telling her that I was going to wash whites so my son would have shirts for school (this is the part where I was praising my husband, yes, her son).  Hubby said, "don't worry about that, honey, you have enough on your mind.  I'll take care of it."  She got a stone cold look on her face and said, "He should not have to do that."  I tried to pass over it and reinforce that I was proud of my husband, to which she replied: "HE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THAT."  I could have died.  It really hurt.
2/23
        signed - He Should Not Have To Do That

RESPONSE:  He Should Not Have To Do That
I'll bet she sits in a chair most of the day while she tells you what you should and should not be doing.  My mother-in-law does.  If your MIL is anything like mine, her son is perfect, and no one will ever be good enough for him.
2/25
RESPONSE:  He Should Not Have To Do That
I felt utter hatred for your MIL and her insensitive, domineering rudeness when I read your post.  It will stop hurting when you grow to learn that some people's opinions aren't worth two cents -- they're just awful people, and it doesn't matter what they think of you, or what you do or don't do.  (Are you in your twenties?  It took me until I was in my early to mid thirties to learn that lesson -- and a painful lesson it was, too.)  Keep focused on the good, honorable, fair people in your life.  Your MIL is a waste of skin.  (Wow, I must have some issues of my own here, huh?)  Heartfelt sympathy ...
2/25
RESPONSE:  He Should Not Have To Do That
Now, that's what I call cold.  God forbid cancer should strike anyone she loves, I think we all know you would never retaliate.  I can't even think of a response for her comment, it's just beyond Christian, or any other boundaries.  You have my sympathy, both for your uncle, and for you having a MIL like that.  Hopefully, your husband was as shocked as me at her evilness.
2/25
Note: This story moved here from 1/27/01 archive due to recent receipt of a response.

Before I married my husband, I got along so well with my MIL.  I always thought I was so lucky because of all the nightmare stories I have heard about Mil's  The wedding planning was a lot of fun.  With all of the planning involved in a wedding, my mother and my MIL turned out to be the "Best of Friends."  My husband and I were so happy!  Life was looking good for the two of us.  We got married last June.

After the marriage, the "nightmare" began.  Once my husband and I got married - Oh boy! - she tried to get into our business all the time.  Whenever we invited her to our house, she would try to control what was going on, and would try to control how I would decorate for the holidays.  She acted as though she owned the place.  I tried to ignore this, but it just got worse.  One time, we had company over at our home.  One of our guests wanted peas.  I went into my kitchen and took out a can of peas from my pantry.  My MIL had been drinking "wine", and as soon as I turned around to open the can she grabbed it from me.  I said, "Give me the can of peas, please."  She replied, "Get out of MY kitchen."  At this point, I lost it.  I said, "Excuse me."  I grabbed the can of peas out of her hands and said, "Who do you think you are?  This is my house, and I don't appreciate you calling it yours.  Your son and I never asked you for a penny for this house, or for anything that the two of us own."  To fill you in on some minor details, she had called our house hers, like, four times prior to this situation.  I tried to shake it off, but at this point I just snapped.  She went into our dining room and pouted for the longest time.  She was pretty drunk.  This night just ended by me ignoring her and serving our guests.

She loves to cut me off, and cut other people off, whenever we try to talk in small groups.  For example, if I want to share a story, or if anyone else does, she always has to cut people off and go on about her life or how she raised DH.  Every parent wants to share their stories, but my MIL goes to the extreme.  She always has to talk about her past and how she did things.  I MEAN, GIVE IT UP!  TAKE THE BACK SEAT AND LET SOMEBODY ELSE BE THE DRIVER.  CRIPE!

I hated having her over.  Everything is about her.  It is her way or no way.  I will not settle for that.  If someone is wrong, they are wrong.  SHE IS WRONG!  For example, I would try to tell a friend about my honeymoon.  Somehow, she would cut me off and start talking about how my husband fell when he was 5 years old.  I mean, come on.  It got to the point that I got really annoyed and hated her.  I tried to fix this problem by talking with her personally or over the phone.  I got nowhere!  She would run into her room and slam the door, or just hang up on me.

Then, the most exciting day of my life.  Two months after my husband and I got married, we announced that I was pregnant.  We tried to do things right.  We took his mother over to my mother's house and made the announcement.  They hugged, and they were happy for us.  This was going to be their first grandchild.  I thought things were going to change, at this point, for the better.  I felt the closeness.  Boy was I wrong.  A few weeks after I made our announcement, we stopped by my mother-in-law's house.  Again, she would ask me how I was feeling, and then AGAIN go on about her past life and about her pregnancy.  I would sit there like an a-hole and then try to start what I was trying to say in the first place.  If I go on about my ideas for my baby's room, for example, she would cut me off and say, "Oh, when I did (DH's) room ..."  My nerves, at this point, just go off.  There is no way of controlling this lady.

She never eats what other people make.  She only eats what she makes!

For the holidays, such as Thanksgiving, my husband and I went over to my Mil's house.  Well, shortly after we arrived, she went to bed.  She did not even say, "I am going to bed, I don't feel good."  NO, she said nothing and went to bed.

Oh, now wait to hear Xmas!  They were invited to our house.  Their car broke down, and then they were not able to make it to our house on Christmas day until 9:00 p.m.  No joke.  My husband and I stayed home all day by ourselves.  When my MIL arrived with my FIL and my Mil's brother, I tried to serve dinner.  I made prime rib and tons of dessert.  Oh, boy, as I told you, she will only eat what she brought.  HAM!  Big deal!  So, she never ate my food.  She claimed she was full, that she ate before she came over.  Still, seeing that they were late and seeing that I went to all the effort I did in making things for them, at least try some of my cooking or take some home.  NO - she only touched her ham and took that home.

When she was over on Xmas, do you think she would say, "Oh, look at that tummy," or, "Wow, you look cute."  Nothing.  I told my FIL that I felt our baby's first kick.  Before the man could reply, she cut him off and said, "Oh, do you remember when I first felt DH, and I had you put your hand there."  I walked away.  Everything is about her, as you are starting to see from what I have written so far.

I hate the woman.  I literally hate her.  And I never plan on working things out with her again.  Ever again.  I am 5 months pregnant, and you think she would show some excitement.  No!  But, wait until the baby's born, she will either want to baby-sit, or she will go on about the past and make our baby seem like it is her past all over again.  I can see it now, "Oh, he looks just like DH did when he was little."  The thought of the future with her in it makes me want to curl up and die.  I am doing my best to forget about her.  After all, I married my husband and not his family.

She doesn't call the house, thank god.  I would really lose it.  Thank god the holidays are over, and that the next time I plan on seeing her is at our baby shower that my mother and best friend are planning.

Otherwise, life for me is great.

Thank you for reading my story, and if you made it this far, I give you credit.

Please reply.  I need all the advice I can get.  Otherwise, I will take my own and just ignore her and stay away from her the best I can.
 1/9
        signed - Next Time I See Her Is At Baby Shower 

RESPONSE:  Next time,
Now that you have got that off your chest, hopefully you can concentrate on something productive.  I also have a b*tch for a MIL.  Everything is about her.  They call it NPD, (narcissistic personality disorder).  My advise to you is to find something productive to do or think about any time you start to think about her.  Refocus that energy.  Also, when you are in her presence, always, I mean ALWAYS, take the high road.  Pity her if you must.  Do not be afraid to call BS, when you see BS, though, but do it in a nice way.  Do not make the mistake I made of arguing w/ a mentally ill person, it is not worth it.  Good luck to you, and as you said about her, get over it.  Take a look at this link ...
http://www.ballarat.edu.au/bssh/psych/hp702/persdis/tsld005.htm 
1/12
RESPONSE:  Next Time I See Her Is At Baby Shower
Wow, your MIL sounds just like mine!  I know exactly what she will do once your baby is born: tell you, every time she sees or talks to you, how she raised your DH and expects you to do as she did.  Any other method than hers is wrong.  There is no use trying to change your or my MIL:  They will always remain the same controlling, selfish, pathetic and boring women.  We have good reason to hate them, and I don't think we will ever get used to them, unfortunately.  I have found that the best way to keep my MIL from getting on my nerves and driving me crazy is to avoid her.  That way, I don't have to hear her boring personal experiences which I have heard a million times!
1/12
RESPONSE:  Next Time I See Her Is At Baby Shower 
I feel very sorry for you, and hope things get better (like you never have to see her again).  I'm hoping my MIL doesn't end up like that.  So far, I'm the blessed daughter she never had, so I hope she doesn't turn horrible.  I've got a while to find out.  About 4 years.  But so far I'm not DIL, just a son's girlfriend.  I so hope it doesn't change ...
1/12
RESPONSE:  Next time I see her is at the baby shower.
I can relate to you.  My husband and I married, but he had 2 and I had one.  She said she would treat them all the same, but behind my back she wouldn't.  Well, she caused so many problems, and put so much pressure on my husband, that she has been out of our lives for 5 glorious years.  My husband and I get along.  She was causing all of our problems, telling us what we should do every minute.  She sends cards, but my husband won't respond.  I think it's the hardest thing he has had to do, but she would just not listen.  I think if she started talking to him again she would pick up where she left off.  If given that chance.  I think the best way is to put mother in laws in there place from day 1.  I was too nice and she walked all over me until we stood up to her.  Good luck to you and your husband and your baby.  It was very hard to cut her out, but she left us no choice.
1/12
RESPONSE:  Next Time I See Her Is At Baby Shower
Wow, she is nuts.
2/15
RESPONSE:  Next time,
Well, I for one would totally support your instinct to avoid her as much as possible.  Argh!  It will probably be pretty annoying, witnessing her antics at the baby shower, so can you plan a "reward" for yourself afterward, like getting a CD you want or flowers (anything that would cheer you up a little!)?  You'll deserve a reward after seeing her.
2/16
RESPONSE:  Next time,
My suggestion to you is?  Any time you see her, or are with them (mil/fil) either at their house, your house, or wherever you happen to meet up with them ... DON'T SAY A WORD.  Just keep quiet!  Serious ... but, see, that's just me ... that's what I would do.  If, by chance, somebody asked why I was so quiet, I'd just tell them, "The boss is talking right now.  I'm just listening."
2/17
RESPONSE:  Next time,
Just a heads up: warn the folks who are hosting the baby shower about your MIL, and also find ways to make her useful at the shower.  Or else you will have a MIL like mine who ended up looking like a fool by trying to put me down at my own shower!  You don't need that type of ugliness to mar a special day in your life.  For example, maybe give her one of those "Grandmother Memories" book as a "special" gift during the shower so she can spend her time writing about herself to her grandbaby-to-be and not talking about herself.
2/19
RESPONSE:  Next time,
I am not married, but I have been with my fiancé for three years, and we have a 2 year old son.  My "MIL" is also always giving advice that is wanted.  Before our son was born, I rarely saw her.  Now, we make an effort to stop in at least once a week so she can see her grandson.  One time she is fine, and the next I feel I am not needed.  I don't know how to read her.  After speaking with her two other daughter-in-laws, we have come to a conclusion that she talks behind each of our backs to the others.  She'll