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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 3/17/01
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I have been married for 7 yrs.  For the most part, I have handled my MIL's behavior with the utmost of care to keep peace in the family.  The woman has no life, no friends, no hobbies.  Her children's/grandchildren's lives are her only interest.  She is a control freak. She controls her daughter's lives, and can't stand the fact that I am a strong enough person who does not allow her to control mine.  We have had several "fights" over the years, and I have always turned the other cheek and apologized even though the fights are ALWAYS the result of her meddling.  Quick history - She tried to ruin my engagement night, bridal shower, birth of my first child (she was mad that my husband & I did not inform her that I was being induced), among a long list of others.  The story of our final fight is as follows.  I have 2 son's, and her daughter has 1 son.  They are all of the same age range.  She is a wonderful grandma.  However, she favors my sil's son to the degree that she can't spend time w/ my kids without constantly talking about the other grandson.   I have understood and accepted the fact.   One of my sons had a medical problem that required surgery, about a month ago, on his lymph node.   She has not stopped badgering me with questions since the whole nightmare began.   The woman thinks she has tons of medical expertise since she was an AA for a Pediatrician for a few years.   She calls him and runs all of my son's Dr.'s answers by him to see if they are competent.  She is obsessed with anything that involves medicine.  I had a Dr.'s apt., and she agreed to watch my other son.  I received some bad news at the Dr. regarding my son's culture (infection WAS NOT TB, but the bacteria was in the same family).  After the apt., MIL called me on my car phone and detected that I was crying.  I told her I would tell her the details at my house.  She yelled at me, and pried it out of me.  I was vulnerable, and told her the quick version of the diagnosis.  I went home, and within 10 minutes of walking in the door the phone rings.  It was my sil (the one who she controls).  My SIL asked how my son was doing, and when I started to say that I didn't appreciate her Mother calling her with the news, she said the reason why she was calling was to see if it was contagious, because HER son hadn't received a TB shot.  I flipped my lid and hung up on her.  When my MIL came to the house with my other son, I told her, in a polite manner, that I was disappointed that she couldn't wait to spread the bad news, that it was inaccurate, that it appeared to me that the only concern here was concern for the other grandson (whom she has always favored), etc.  She went off the deep end, and told me that I was disrespectful.  The argument was very heated, and I kept trying to calm her down.  She told me that I couldn't handle the fact that something was wrong with my perfect child, etc.  She then told me that she never wanted to lay eyes on me again.  I gave her a second chance, and tried to get her to sit down and discuss it.  My husband came home in the middle of the fight, and told her to get out of our house, and the story gets worse from here ...  The sister called back, to see what the diagnosis was, a second time ...  HELP!  Not sure if I can make it through this one ...
3/7
        signed - Medical MIL

RESPONSE:  Medical MIL
You just basically described my MIL.  Mine also gives constant medical advice, hates me because she can't control me, and has no concept of a rational adult discussion.  I have no advice for you, because I'm also at a loss (just as much as you are).  I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.  Be strong.  Your kids need at least one strong, decent female role model!
3/8
Boy oh boy, my MIL gets on my nerves so much that it actually forced me to look on the internet for a place to vent my frustrations.  Thank God this is here!  It's definitely needed.  My husband's parents only see their grandchildren (ages 6 and 2) for the holidays or their birthdays.  "They must live far away" you say?  No, they live just 20 minutes away.  Yet, these people have the audacity to critique or comment on any minute goings on with my family as if they're *#$@ing experts!  Baby-sitting, that's a joke.  Her damn dog takes precedence over the grandchildren.  She has made the following statements:  "Don't bring the kids over, it might upset XXX (their dog)." ,"I'm going to send your father to watch the kids, I need to look after XXX" and "Don't upset XXX!"  At this point, you might also think that the baby-sitting happens quite often.  NOT!  I can count on one hand the number of times they have watched my kids in one year.  Whenever they are approached about baby-sitting, it's put under strict scrutiny.  "Well, I'll have to check with your father." or "How long do you think you'll be gone for?"  She always manages to place some serious attitude just before (dun, dun, dun ...) "BABY SITTING DAY".  For example, I have a lovely recording of her on my answering machine which I have since transferred to my office voice mail.  It's of her "attitude" about finding out "what's going on tonight?"  Keep in mind that my husband had told her just 2 days prior that we were going to the movies.  We were going to the damn movies, for Christ Sake!  You might think that we were going to China!  2 messages were received in a 15 minute time span with her bitching about "Can you give me some details on what's going on?"  "I mean, give us some kind of clue, XXX (DH's name)!"  The next message started with "Will SOMEBODY pick up."  That's right, I have no name.  I'm just "somebody".  My husband laughed (that's it of course).  Boy, people, how dare we leave the house when she's trying to call!  There will be more entries soon, I'm sure.  I hope you enjoyed the read!
3/3
        signed - My MIL Is A Psycho Woman

RESPONSE:  My MIL Is A Psycho Woman
Why do you think your IL's owe you baby-sitting?  You don't seem to appreciate it, and if you really think your MIL is psycho, why would you want her to baby-sit the kids anyway?  Why not just save everyone concerned the aggravation and find another, trustworthy, baby-sitter?
3/5
RESPONSE:  My MIL Is A Psycho Woman
I know, I know!!  I get back from a full day at college & there's 5 messages on my machine.  DH, Dad, Aunt, FIL.  The last one is FIL -- 3 minutes later.  And what does he say ..., "Hmmm.  Sounds to me like somebody needs to pick up the darn phone!"  GET A LIFE, FIL!!!  We live out in the country, pretty much across the street from them.  Every time without fail -- they see our car go by & they call.  We get back, they see the car go by, they call & say (Mr. Ed voice of FIL), "Wheerrre'd y'all go?  What's out there?  Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-RA!!!!"  I got so mad about the phone message that time that I MADE DH call & ask him what that was supposed to mean.  "Oh, nothing.  She supposed to get home at 3 right?"  SUPPOSED TO?!?  WHO THE $% & MADE YOU MY %&%& &%$ KEEPER?!?
3/6
RESPONSE:  My MIL Is A Psycho Woman
Ugh!  The first response to your post is so frustrating to me!  It hardly sounds like you feel like your IL's owe you baby-sitting; it sounds like you'd like a normal, familial favor every now and then.  It also sounds like you'd like your kids' grandparents to actually show some delight in seeing their grandkids.  Both of those desires on your part are TOTALLY normal, understandable, reasonable, and human.  I'm glad you found this site to vent your frustrations too, and I hope you won't be turned away by the frustrating tone of that first response.
3/8
I've been married to DH for 20 years!!  You'd think things would get better in all those years, but they haven't.  I'm at the point that I do not wish to be in the company of MIL, FIL, or any of the IL's.  The first Christmas (we were dating) MIL called to inform me that she would rather have clothes than something for the house.  Like I asked!!  The whole family will rudely tell you that they do not like the present you gave to them.  Couldn't they just say thanks and let it be?  It progressed on to the summer we were married ... DH goes to IL's to help with the vegetable gardening.  He worked very hard to help plant, stake beans, etc.  When the vegetables were ready to harvest, MIL calls to ask if we would like some beans.  Then, she proceeds to tell me how much they will cost us!!!  NO, I did not buy her vegetables!!!  We have a son who barely knows that he has paternal relatives.  He refers to the grandparents as Mr. and Mrs.  My husband has never gone out of his way to make it any better.  He is very passive about the whole situation.  I know that the IL's blame me, but I think hubby should be the one to make sure that his son has a relationship with the IL's.
3/7
        signed - What Did I Do To Deserve These People???

RESPONSE:  What Did I Do To Deserve These People???
You said, "hubby should be the one to make sure that his son has a relationship with the ILs."  WHY?  It sounds to me like they're petty and rude.  If they don't want a relationship with your children, then don't try to force the issue.  You didn't say if your parents are nearby.  If they aren't, and you want to be sure that your children have some grandparent-like influences, I'm sure there are elder people around you who don't have grandchildren and would enjoy the company of children!
3/8
I have a lot of problems with my MIL, but she's not horrible, and sometimes we manage to get along quite well.  One thing that seems to work in dealing with her is to do whatever is genuine and heartfelt.  If it ISN'T genuine and heartfelt, I do NOT to do it, even if she wants me to.  For instance, I like to give her clothes that I think she'd look pretty in, and she loves them!  It's fun for both of us (genuine and heartfelt on my part) and it's ONE good thing about our relationship.  So I think that's a clue to me about following my feelings.  Every time I've tried to FORCE good deeds (doing things for her that weren't heartfelt, that I felt bad about, deep down, but FORCED myself to do), something bad always seemed to come of it.  I'd force myself to invite her to events, etc., and they'd always turn out horrible (she'd always say or do something really passive-aggressive, and I'd end up avoiding her for months afterward or really having bad feelings about her).  But everything heartfelt seems to turn out great.  By heartfelt, I don't mean always having things my own way.  I just mean the gut feeling you have about things.  Sometimes you have a good gut feeling about doing HUGE favors for people (like moving in and caring for a sick person who needs you).  Sometimes you have a bad gut feeling about just some little thing (like letting your MIL insist on coming over immediately to see your new dog, the minute it comes home with you.).
3/3
        signed - Starting to Trust My Instincts

RESPONSE:  Starting to Trust My Instincts
Very true.  I used to have the same experience with my mother-in-law.  Now, I only do what feels good and comes naturally.  I never quite realized what I was doing until I read your posting.
3/8
Please, some help!  I have not spoken to my future in-laws since before Christmas.  And, my fairytale wedding?  Well, that's now my fiancé and I eloping.  It all started with the holidays, and where we spend them.  I have to say that I have three boys from my first marriage, and I have a rotating holiday schedule with them.  All Christmas days are to be spent with his family at his grandmother's, no exceptions!  My children and I went the first year together.  When it came time to open gifts (mind you, my fiancé and I have been together at this point for a year), all the other children were surrounded with gifts.  My children, they received nothing!  I tried to make the best of it, and took my children for a walk, but I could tell their feelings were hurt.  The next Christmas, well that was a little better.  My Aunt-in-law, she bought them something from the gas station, so they did not feel quite as bad.  But, to me, it was tacky and insulting.  Now, here's the problem:  This last Christmas I declined to attend.  My fiancé went and spent two hours with his Grandparents, and then came home to me and my kids. His parents were furious, and began talking about me, using such vulgar names, and saying such cruel things, that other understanding relatives left the room.  I was so hurt by this, I refuse to talk to them or attend any future gatherings.  My fiancé backs me up hundred percent.  But, being that I'm going to be married to this man, how can I stay a distance from his family?  To make matters worse, my fiancé works at a family owned company, and his work environment is so hostile he is thinking of taking other jobs at a third of the salary.  His family sees nothing wrong with what they did, and I'm just rude!  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3/6
        signed - Not Spoken Since Before Xmas

RESPONSE:  Not Spoken Since Before Xmas
What an awful situation for you to have to go through.  I can sympathize in so many ways with you!  My first reaction would be to sit them down and tell them that your children are a part of your and your fiancé's lives, and if they cannot accept all of you into their family, then they will not be accepted into your family when you and your fiancé get married.  This will also include children that you may decide to have after you're married.  I know, with my situation, my mil likes to have her cake & eat it too ... wants us to come to ALL the family functions, but only on her terms.  She wants to have some of the functions in our home, but wants to do everything from food preparation to inviting people, etc.  In your case, she insists you be there, but does nothing to make you feel comfortable.  I find that the more I avoid my mil, the better my life is.  Get call display, have plans when you do talk to her, and just let her know that YOU are the one married to her son now, and that's how it will stay.
3/7
Worst gift:
I said once I like Rosie, and that Christmas I got a Rosie doll.  What would I do with it?  Well, I gave it away to a kid.
3/4
        signed - I Like Rosie, Not The Doll

RESPONSE:  I Like Rosie, Not The Doll
I think that was a sweet gift.  I would have though that was nice.  But, then again, I don't know your MIL.
3/5
RESPONSE:  I Like Rosie, Not The Doll
It seems like a nice enough gesture to me.
3/5
RESPONSE:  I Like Rosie, Not The Doll
I can totally understand why you'd be frustrated by getting a Rosie doll.  You are an adult, after all.  Why do our MILs always reduce us to children via their language, their gifts, etc.?  I think it's a means of seeming "older and better" than us.  It's a way of having control over us.  I'm glad you gave the doll away to a kid!
3/6
RESPONSE:  I Like Rosie, Not The Doll
I understand why you would be upset with a gift like that.  It was very inappropriate for an adult.  I read your story to my husband, and we both agreed that, at this point in MY life, I actually would be happy with a gift like that because it would mean that my in-laws had put some thought into something they bought me.  My in-laws NEVER put any thought (whatsoever) into buying me a gift.  I have received countless houseplants (and I have the brownest thumb on earth), desk accessories (I am a housewife), a jigsaw puzzle, a picnic cooler, etc.  If they had ever taken the time think about what my hobbies and preferences are, I would have been thrilled.  Even if it was something that I didn't particularly want, I would have appreciated it if it were related to my hobbies and interests (which are not a secret by any means).  I have never understood how they can go into stores and just buy something generic for me (as if I were a stranger).  It would have been so easy to have picked up something more personalized.  It has been said that it is the thought that counts, but they don't put any thought into gifts at all.
3/6
No matter how bad anyone else's MIL stories are, I guarantee that I can top them.  I have the MIL from hell!  Here is the most recent story (and I have 13 LONG years of them).  We recently had a baby boy after 9 long years of waiting.  Our girls are 12 and 9.  We were so exited, and a little scared, since my previous pregnancies were difficult, to say the least.  My MIL's first response to the news was, "you don't need another kid, get rid of it."  During my whole pregnancy, she told us how it was so expensive to raise a baby now, and that we couldn't afford the two we had.  When that didn't work, she started insinuating that the baby wasn't my husband's.  I have never done anything to give her that impression.  She came to the hospital to see him when he was born.  She took one look and told us that she didn't like babies and we shouldn't depend on her to baby sit.  We discreetly kept the baby away from her.  When he was a few weeks old, she called because she was offended that we had never asked her to hold him.  She said that she didn't have germs.  So, we took him to see her.  She held him for about 5 minutes.  She asked me where he got his dark hair and mentioned that he didn't look like my husband.  My son looked just like his sisters!  He is now 8 months old, and she has never asked to hold him since.  She only refers to him as "that damn brat" or "that stupid kid".  If I am having a stressful day, she reminds me that I am the one who had to have the damn brat, and now I have to take care of him.  My family was killed a few years ago, and her husband died a year later.  She is all that we have in the way of family.  I hate that the only grandma my son will ever know is an old biddy who can't even call him by his name.  Sometimes I wish the Alzheimer's would kick in so we could put her in a nursing home and throw away the key!
2/27
        signed - Now She Is All The Family We Have

RESPONSE:  Now She Is All The Family We Have
What a vile woman!  Don't feel obligated to include this vicious creature in your family.  It would be much better for your son to have no grandmother than to have something like her!  If you're not careful, your daughters may very well pick up her attitude towards your son!  Don't invite her over, and don't visit.  Cut her out of your life until she can get over whatever problem she has and accept your son as a part of your family.  Your son AND your daughters would be better off with good friends of yours that they can call "aunt" or "uncle" than a grandmother like that.
2/28
RESPONSE:  Now She Is All The Family We Have
I understand what you're going through.  When we were old enough to understand (I think we were in our twenties), my mom started telling us girls stories about our grandmother (her mother in law).  Soon after my younger sister was born, grandma accused my mother of being unfaithful to my dad.  Her reasoning was that sis had red hair and blue eyes.  Mom and Dad both have brown hair and brown eyes, though mom's hair has a lot of red in it.  But sis' hair was very red and her eyes very blue (still are).  Mom calmly tried to explain to grandma about recessive genes but was unsuccessful.  In the end she told Grandma off, but Grandma never really let up.  Grandma had reddish hair and very blue eyes herself!  It just got better from there.  Mom would only visit on holidays.  Other times we'd go with Dad, only.  Now I've married a man I love dearly, but his mother is just like grandma.  I've always been pretty patient, but this woman tests me every time I see or talk to her.  Her petty insults and insinuations that I can't do anything as well as she does make my nerves raw.  I don't have any children yet.  I can't wait to see what kinds of stuff she pulls then!  Hang in there.  Life's too precious to waste time worrying about something you can't control.  Here's a suggestion.  Grandparents are easy to adopt.  Maybe there are some lonely older folks in your neighborhood, nursing home, or church that would like a visit from kids once in a while.  When we were young, my sister and I used to adopt grandparents.  We would take them flowers and read to them or they'd read to us.  We loved going to visit them and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual.  The stories you can hear from older folks are fabulous!  Good luck!
2/28
RESPONSE:  Now She Is All The Family We Have
I've been married for 15 years, and I too have a MIL who hates me.  That is why we live 400 miles away from all of our family.  She will more than likely never change, and maybe your husband should tell her that if she doesn't have anything good to say, then she shouldn't say anything.  If he won't, then stand up for yourself and your baby.  It took me 14 years to finally stand up for myself, and at least the cards are on the table.  She denies that she doesn't care for me.  But hey, she hasn't asked to speak to me on the phone since, and my husband doesn't push me to apologize.  The truth can hurt, but at least it's out and I don't have to pretend anymore.  Hang in there.
2/28
RESPONSE:  Now She Is All The Family We Have
You win hands down.  That is the worst thing I have ever heard.  And she doesn't even do it behind your (or your son's) backs.  I hate her just from reading your story.  I wouldn't even let her touch or even see ANY of her grandchildren.  When she asked or complained, I would tell her she isn't worthy.  What an awful person.  My sympathies to you.
3/1
RESPONSE:  Now She Is All The Family We Have
No, family or not, that lady would be banned from my home.  No way would I allow ANYONE to call my child a brat or a stupid kid.  I don't care who they are.  It's not gonna happen.
3/3
RESPONSE:  Now She Is All The Family We Have
I agree with the other respondents.  Keep your children away from this vile woman at all costs!  "Family", my @ss.  Nobody with a heart and soul could say the mean things she says to her beautiful grandson (and in front of his siblings yet!).  She's poison, and bad for you and your family.  With "family" like that, you'd be better off "adopting" grandparents, as suggested above.  Tell Granny, in no uncertain terms, that if she doesn't change her attitude fast, and stop spewing her hateful venom, she'll never be a part of your family. (Sounds like the ol' gal's gotta screw loose; seriously, has she ever displayed signs of mental illness?)
3/5
I am 8 months pregnant.  This will be my MIL's first grandchild.  My DH and I are ecstatic about the baby, and have been since we found out.  When we first told my MIL, she acted as though it was a disease.  Every day I heard comments such as, "Now the stress will really begin."  There was never a word of congratulations or happiness.  During the first trimester, I was sick almost daily.  She would call and ask how I was.  If I said "I'm nauseous" her response was "Well, that's the price you have to pay."  There was no empathy, no warmth, no caring.  And keep in mind that she was calling me.  I was not calling her to complain.  Then came the second trimester when she became obsessed with my weight.  My DH supported my decision to not discuss it and so we never gave her a number.  In every conversation she would ask how much I had gained and all we would say is "a few pounds" or "not a lot", etc.  Then she'd make fat jokes.  Since becoming pregnant, the smell of Chinese food makes me sick.  My sister was planning a shower for me, and my MIL wanted to have it at a Chinese restaurant.  Her response, when my sister told her that I couldn't stomach it, was that I could order something else.  I should order something else in a Chinese restaurant?  Thankfully, my sister didn't back down, despite a lot of pressure, and went with another location.  Last week I went into premature labor.  My Dr. put me on 100% bed rest (can't even sit up!) and medication to stop the labor for a few weeks until the baby is a more developed.  My in-laws were planning to visit for the weekend but my DH canceled on them because of my condition and need for rest.  My MIL gave him a very hard time.  Now they are planning to come this weekend.  My MIL insists that its just "false labor", that "that's the price I have to pay", and "everyone she knows has gone through it."  I do my best to ignore her because I can't let myself get stressed about it.  Last night she called and told me that her husband, my FIL, thinks that I am fat and that its not a big deal if the baby is born now and needs to go on a respirator for a few weeks ("she'll survive").  Then, at the end of the conversation, she wished me well with my "little contractions."  I have been on the receiving end of these little comments for 10 years now, so I am not surprised.  I just needed to vent.  The things I have described are just a small percentage of what this woman says.  I think her attitude towards me during this pregnancy has finally convinced me never to expect anything more from her, to just detach myself from her as much as possible, and to find some way to just tune her out.
3/1
        signed - Time For Me To Buy Ear Plugs

RESPONSE:  Time For Me To Buy Ear Plugs
Talk about insensitive!  Does she even realize the risks if your child is born early?  As a mum of two preemies (admittedly they didn't need to go on the ventilator), I'm well aware of possible adverse outcomes (anything from breathing difficulties, blindness and a whole gamut of delays).
3/3
RESPONSE:  Time For Me To Buy Ear Plugs
I can so much sympathize with you!  I have a 7 month old son, and my MIL tormented me the whole time I was pregnant.  I also had pre-term labor, and she told me over and over how it was my fault, something I had done/not done properly.  In fact, I just posted my story last week (She Is All I Have Left).  You have to read it to see what you have to look forward to after the baby is born, because it didn't stop with the pregnancy.  I learned one thing during the last pregnancy, though, it is not worth the stress you are putting on the baby to worry about her for one second.  I know it is hard enough to be in bed 24/7, without worrying about how much weight you have gained (I gained almost 70 lbs, and have lost all but 20 already).  If she is any kind of human being, unlike mine, you can pay her back after the baby comes by limiting her visits.  My MIL loved to tell me how fat my ass was getting while I was pregnant, but I got the last word, because I delivered my extra weight, and she still has hers to haul around!  Just try to focus on the new baby, and keeping it in until your due date, and don't talk to her until after the baby is born.
3/4
RESPONSE:  Time For Me To Buy Ear Plugs
Ugh, what a horrible woman!  I can just imagine what it's going to be like when your child is born.  So, set her straight, NOW.  You've got the right idea -- DETACH.  Have you got CALLER ID?  If not, GET IT IMMEDIATELY.  Don't answer her calls.  Don't offer any information that is none of her business (weight gain, etc.).  And, if she gets rude and pushy (such as complaining that your pains were "fake" -- what nerve!) just because she wants to visit, don't get emotional or angry, just say, "Now's not a good time," and HANG UP.  If she comes to the house, have your hubby block her from entering the house.  If she's unbearably intrusive (such as STALKING you to get a visit), tell her flat out (again, with no emotion) that you will have no choice but to call the police or get a restraining order if she continues this behavior, then DO IT.  Sure, she'll get mad and pout and play the "poor little me" game.  Ignore her.  It'll drive her nuts, and it's the only thing that will stop her childish antics.  Good luck, and I hope you have an easy delivery, and a healthy baby!!!
3/5
RESPONSE:  Time For Me To Buy Ear Plugs
Definitely separate yourself from her venom!  She is a hateful beast to say those things to anyone in your condition!  What does your dh do when she makes these belittling comments?  Surely he doesn't agree with her!  Good luck & God bless!
3/5
My brother and I were very close before he got married.  Since he got married, we (my parents, my sister and I) hardly ever see him.  We genuinely liked his new wife, and tried to make her feel welcome.  We are generally a non-confrontational group, and I can't remember any incident that would have left her feeling offended.  But we must have done something to turn her off.  If we called to try to make plans to see them, they were always busy with friends or SIL's family.  They would never make plans for future dates with us (usually saying that they will have to get back to us).  Of course, they never did call us back for that purpose.  They treated other members of our family (my brother's side of the family) that way too (i.e. cousins).  They occasionally would call us at the last minute and try to make plans.  If we were busy and couldn't accommodate them, then they would lament the fact that we never see each other.  They seemed to be implying that WE weren't trying hard enough to see THEM despite all the times we tried to make plans with them previously.  When we explained this to them, they did not seem to get it.  My SIL once complained about a time that I called my brother at work to talk to him about something urgent.  She said that we should call their home at night so that she can be a part of the conversation from now on.  They live about 2 and½ hours away, but there were times that we went 1 or 2 years between visits.  They often would cancel plans that we DID have, at the last minute (usually saying they were sick or even too tired to join us for a holiday or special occasion).  They told us they were not interested in exchanging gifts with us for birthdays or holidays.  We all just accepted this after a while.  It wasn't worth the hurt and humiliation that came along with trying to connect with them.  I think that my brother has recently been playing a bigger part maintaining their social calendar because they are more active in making plans with our family these days.  The other day I realized that in the past few years, my SIL has made an excuse not to come to visit us (and sent my brother alone) and has consequently missed several of our special occasions.  Also, if we were invited to their home (a rare occasion), she has invited HER friends over to dilute the occasion so that it is not only our family visiting that day.  I think she not only dislikes us, but she seems to almost be afraid to be alone with us, so she invites other people over who are strangers to us.  Since we seldom see each other, I think this is so rude.  We never can have an intimate or personal conversation, or even reminisce about our family, if there are non-family member around.  We never had any arguments with her, and my brother never told us that we did anything to upset her.  We are all extremely busy, and certainly are not looking to take up a lot of their time or intrude on their privacy.  We would just like to visit with "just" them, occasionally, and not feel that we are always part of a larger group, if they do decide to make time to see us.  Am I not seeing this clearly? Does anyone have any advice?
2/15
        signed - Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute

RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
It sounds like you and your SIL (because you did like her) are both good people, and this is a misunderstanding that doesn't have to get any worse.  You really DO sound like a good person, and it's nice that you WANT her to spend time with you -- that's an honor.  Because she sounds so much like me, socially, I can try to tell what it's like from my perspective.  It might be different -- she always has other people around, which I don't -- but when relatives are always inviting me for special occasions, I feel stressed and pressured when I feel like they really think I "SHOULD" go (rather than just making me feel welcome).  It makes me feel like they're trying to make me jump through their hoops and do stuff I really don't want to do just because THEY want me to do it.  I have a SIL like this, and a MIL as well -- and they are BOTH lovely people.  Just this wrangling all the time -- they are sore at me because I don't want to do the constant social things they set up for me.  And then I sense their self-righteousness and annoyance about it, when I do what makes me comfortable (often NOT going to those occasions) rather than what THEY want (for me to go).  I think part of it is, I'm an introvert and they're extroverts.  I need a lot of privacy to thrive, and they need a lot of interaction.  I think things are getting better -- we're learning to accept each other more, yet be ourselves at the same time.  I think I've been married longer than your dB and SIL have, so there's hope for you to get along well, once things get ironed out.  Wouldn't things get better if you told her, "We're having (such and such an occasion), and you're welcome to come, but only if you want to.  We'd love to have you, but please don't feel pressured."?  If that was sincere, it might be music to her ears, and a great relief to her!  If she's at ALL like me, she doesn't hate you (but feeling pressured all the time DOES cause stress), and she WILL respond to you well if you make it clear that, more than wanting to get her to do stuff that will please YOU all the time (even though it's an honor to her that you WANT her around -- it's still trying to get her to do what you want, to go to those events), you let her know that, more than ANYTHING, you support her and are loyal to her and will let her be herself.  Earn her trust (she can sense that you feel this way right now about her, and are annoyed at her -- I'm sure she suspects it).  You might be rewarded by undying love and loyalty on her part (not to mention gratitude).  It's more important how you feel about each other, than what activities you do to please each other (I think so, anyway).  (And if you and your family are complaining about her, if you STOP doing that, she will probably be able to sense that, too, and begin to trust you more).  But, you sound great -- I hope it ends up being a very good relationship.
2/17
RESPONSE From Poster:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I would like to thank you for taking the time to compose a response to my story, and for sharing your personal feelings and insights with me.  I will try to keep your ideas in mind when dealing with this situation in the future.  I still do like my SIL, even if she has hurt my feelings.  I guess she does feel some sort of pressure around us, but I feel it is undue.  First of all, we hardly ever get together.  Seeing family a few times a year should not be considered to be pressure.  Believe me, I know, because I have dealt with unreasonable, constant requests to be involved with my husband's family.  We have even been told that we are "not a part of the family" because we won't drive an hour for a cup of coffee with them.  One of the occasions that my SIL has blown off was my first child's Christening.  She said she had some contagious illness.  I called her to see how she was feeling later that afternoon, and it turns out that she was well enough to go to a flea market.  She told us she wouldn't be able to see us for Xmas eve this year because of illness, but she didn't cancel her plans to see her family the next day.  I am also realizing that the last minute invitations they offer are passive - aggressive.  They know that the likelihood of us being available for a whole day on such short notice is slim, yet those are the only plans they will make with any of us.  I will try to take her feelings into consideration, but she has started to hurt mine beyond repair.  They also canceled attending a dinner for my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, which they helped to plan (just the siblings and their spouses, not a big party) because she had a cold.  It may be legitimate, but it gets a little old after a while, and I think I am starting to get the hint.
2/18
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
Is it possible that there are big personal problems going on inside your brother's family that your SIL is afraid will be exposed if there is any "intimacy" beyond her controlled circle of friends?  When I first read your post, I almost fell over because I thought you could be related to me.  Seriously!  I have a SIL just like yours.  For years I took the aloofness and exclusions personally, then we began hearing rumors through other family members and friends that there were serious issues NOT being dealt with in Brother and SIL's family, and they were only staying together because of their social status.  When people have something to hide, they tend to surround themselves with diversions, and in your case as well as mine, it seems our SILs find a roomful of strangers to be a good buffer zone.  It certainly discourages conversations of a personal nature.
2/18
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I wonder if your SIL feels inferior to you -- maybe she, deep down, feels unworthy and not fit to be around you.  I think the second respondent is right about it being her own struggle with some problems of her own.  That would explain why, even though you've always liked each other, she avoids you.  If this is true, I don't know what the solution is.  Maybe, if you sense there's some truth to this, it would seem less personal and hurtful to you.
2/19
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
This is the first respondent again -- you're welcome, and I sure wish you well with this.  I thought the second respondent had a brilliant insight into this that I hadn't thought of.  Part of my reason for being a lot like your SIL (my behavior has been AMAZINGLY like hers, canceling get-togethers because of "illness" almost more often than not) has been that, too -- not that our marriage isn't good -- it's lovely, but that we've had severe financial problems, etc., and I was unemployed for a while and very ashamed of that -- I felt like dirt, like a raw, open wound.  (Now I have good freelance work, but it's still rough.)  The LAST thing I wanted was to have an intimate get-together with my in-laws (whom I insecurely felt would find out all my problems and judge me harshly) when I felt SO bad about myself and insecure.  So, it wasn't just that I was shy.  I think we'll be ok in a few years, and things will be different (I imagine having my in-laws over a lot, even), but our life has been such a struggle (and I blame myself a lot), that having other people really know how it is for us is like being caught with our pants down. And my MIL is VERY intimately interested in, and curious about, everything about our lives -- my SIL (who is not related to my MIL), too.  There are a few people who seem like "kindred spirits" -- so we don't avoid EVERYONE -- but somehow, to me, the thought of my in-laws knowing my problems is terrifying.  I'm not proud of that.  I'm not a bad person, either -- but I do have problems for which I feel there is nothing to be gained by opening up to my in-laws.  And, being "sick" for in-law gatherings isn't really such a stretch -- the utter terror and misery at the thought of seeing them makes sickness seem real (and then, when the occasion passes, I miraculously feel "better.")  Well!  It's not pretty, is it?  I hope it changes, for both me and your SIL.  (I don't want to assume it's the same for her, but if you sense any sadness, shyness, or insecurity on her part, there could be a little bit of similarity.)
2/19
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I have almost the exact same problem with my SIL.  They live in another state, which is about 6 hrs away.  My brother and I were best friends before she got involved.  Now, when they come to visit, they stay with her family and call and say, "We are coming over."  Then, my mom calls me to come over, knowing that I never see them anymore.  This is an example of how rude she is:  At Christmas, we had our entire family (who live in the states) to our house.  My birthday is on New Years Eve, so the family wanted to celebrate that too.  My MIL left, because she didn't feel right celebrating a day that "hasn't come yet".  My GMIL put it well when she said that there were no gifts for the selfish B****, so she had to go pout.  The really sad thing about it is that my brother is soooooo unhappy.  We came from a family that is very close nit, and we spent a lot of time together.  Then he got roped into marriage and the military, and now he can't get out of it.  He doesn't believe in divorce.  Oh, to top it off, I talked to her last night and she asked me if I would consider being a surrogate mother for her because her doctors are concerned that if she becomes pregnant, she may be very ill.  I have 2 children and she is always making comments about my figure.  I wear a size 4 still, and with both my babies I barely gained any more than what I was supposed to.  Then, she emailed me and said, "Never mind, we decided it wouldn't be healthy for you since you are so skinny."  The only reason she won't carry a child herself is so that she doesn't lose her "girlie figure".  Believe me, a child may improve it for her.  Sorry that this is so long, but she really aggravates me.  I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from.  Thanks for listening!!
2/20
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I feel sympathy for you because of some similar things that I've been through with people.  I want to tell you that, sadly, my resentment of certain people for not spending time with me did NOTHING to make them want to spend time with me.  In fact, it pushed them away further.  The more they avoided me, the more I felt hurt and angry and desperate for them to spend time with me and be there for me.  But as you can imagine, my attitude did NOT attract them or make spending time with me appealing at all!  In fact, they got wind of my resentment, and pretty much ran for their lives.  I can't think of anything as hurtful as this -- wishing someone would spend more time with me and then finding that the person clearly did not feel inclined to do so.  But, one day it occurred to me that the ONLY way to make people want to spend time with me was to have a good attitude towards the person -- utterly devoid of anger or resentment -- just ENJOYING the person and supporting that person!  Everyone that I genuinely enjoy loves spending time with me , but I don't notice any of the people whom I resent hanging around me!  I'm sure my problems, and even the hurt I went through, were far more dysfunctional than your situation.  I don't want to insult you by comparing you to me.  It just took me SO long, and so much hurt to finally GET IT!!  Resenting someone is a GUARANTEE that they'll want to avoid me -- and the more I resent them for avoiding me and not giving me what I need, the more they will WANT to avoid me (a vicious circle).  If you really want to change this situation, maybe you can make a new start with your SIL.  Maybe some time away from her (which seems to be pretty easy to arrange) will give you a "break," and make a new start easier at a later date when you connect again.  If she thinks you genuinely like and enjoy and support her, she WILL want to spend time with you, so there's hope.
2/21
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
The ONLY way this is going to get better is if you speak with your brother about this.  You do not even have to mention his wife.  Just let him know that you want to spend more time together and share the closeness you once had.  I would never let any person come between the close relationships I share with my siblings (2 brothers and 1 sister).  If your SIL does not care to have a relationship with your family, however unwarranted, that is her choice, and you cannot change that.  You can, however, change what is happening between you and your brother.  If your brother is so selfish, and does not care that he is not spending any time with his family, then he has the problem. Let him know that when you have plans, you would like it to just be with your family, not with anyone else.  Your excuse of not being "confrontational" does not fly with me.  This is your brother we are talking about here, and if your relationship is going south, and you don't do ANYTHING to change it, then you will have given up without a fight.  At least you can feel like you tried your hardest.
2/25
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I would like to respectfully disagree with the respondent (the one right above this) who tells you it's just between you and your brother (and to hang onto him for dear life).  I think one of the mistakes I made, after my brother got married, was not to realize that, after his marriage, his wife, my SIL, would be the most important person in his life.  I usually am a considerate person.  I have a lot of friends, but I think (like a lot of perfectly decent women automatically turn into inconsiderate monsters when they become MILs!) I turned into kind of a jerk when I got a new SIL.  Instead of being particularly considerate or welcoming to her, I mostly wanted to enjoy the relationship I had always shared with my brother -- the sense of humor, the family jokes, etc.  I even caught myself wishing that she wasn't along on this or that visit so that my brother and I and my parents could REALLY have fun, like we used to!  It wasn't my SIL's fault -- she was perfectly lovely.  It was MY fault for not "getting it", that my brother had his own family now -- and that my SIL was the most important person to him (not just an extra person hanging around at OUR family gatherings). I know that sounds awful of me, and I'm sad to remember it.  Now they've been married for 15 years or so, and my attitude has completely changed.  I totally perceive him as part of his own family, with his wife and children, rather than primarily as part of OUR family.  We have a supportive relationship.  But I sure needed an attitude adjustment.  I would say that the most important thing is not hanging on to your relationship with your brother at all costs (your feelings for each other won't change -- if you have a bond, you will keep having it), but to respect his relationship with his wife above all else.
2/26
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
Ever heard the saying, "I am not my brother's keeper"?  Nothing irks me more than my DH's family whining to "spend time".  They "spent time" with him his ENTIRE life.  Like good fences make good neighbors, some need to understand BOUNDARIES, and respect for the fact that HIS LIFE HAS TAKEN A CHANGE.  It's totally normal that he invest his time NOW in his WIFE.  I don't HOLD my brother to the fact that we are family and say that he owes me his time, question where he spends holidays, his day off, or who he has as houseguests when I am there.  It reminds me of childhood when a friend can't handle that you have another friend.  Wouldn't it be nice to be born into the world and remain the center of every family member's attention.  They should put aside their needs just for you!!!  WOW!!!  It's tough designing thrones for ourselves, the plans keep crumbling down.  DARN!!
2/26
RESPONSE From Poster:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I am the original poster, and I would like to reply to the person who wrote the last response.  I have climbed down off of my throne, which, as you have guessed, is situated in the heart of my self-centered world, just long enough to say thank you.  I bow to you, as you are obviously the last word on interpersonal relationships.  Your writing proves that you are all knowing and wise beyond belief.  At last, you have enlightened me.  My original letter was about my coming to terms with the fact that two people, whom I love, did not want to spend time with me.  I was feeling rejected and hurt, but I was finally seeing the bigger picture.  Thank god you so skillfully pointed out how wrong it was of me to want to share a holiday, a special occasion, or a quiet moment with some family members that I felt close to.  I will never again allow myself to have the misguided expectation that this is normal.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I have printed off your response and will carry it with me forever.  I may even frame it, for it is invaluable to me.  Whenever I feel a reasonable, human emotion coming on in the future, I will reread your pearls of wisdom for strength, and try to catch myself before I err again.  My children are growing up and are beginning to see things for themselves.  If they ever start to WHINE about why their aunt has been absent from their communions, graduations or milestone birthdays, I will be sure to show them your letter and put a stop to their nonsense immediately.  We can't allow the misconception that it is OK for families to gather together for holidays and celebrations to be passed down to yet another generation.  Oh, but there I go again talking about me, me, me.  In closing, I have one suggestion for YOU before you attack anyone else - TAKE AN ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS and GET OVER YOURSELF.
2/27
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
This is more of a response to some of the last entries than to the original poster (she's probably thinking "are you even answering MY question anymore?").  For about the first time ever, I agree with a sarcastic, negative response to another message.  I really AGREE with the person who wrote the "Not Your Brother's Keeper" post.  You're right!  I say that as someone who has been on the other side and has whined for my brother's attention.  I was wrong, and I think it's a mistake a lot of people make.  They just don't get it that their brother has "graduated" from his childhood family and has his own family now.  His own family comes first.  It takes a while to get used to that, and to stop having that knee-jerk reaction of just wanting what you want (your brother's company and attention) and not really realizing what's RIGHT or FAIR.  What's right and fair is that we need to BACK OFF and respect our brothers' new life.  We are the ones who are being wrong and selfish, not our brother and SIL.  I definitely do include myself in this.  I was terrible.
2/28
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I don't at all agree with the original poster's defensive, angry response to the other respondent's valid opinion.  I think it's very important that she (original poster) listen to the advice from the other respondents.  If she doesn't let her brother go on and develop his own family, she will lose a relationship with him forever.  I'm speaking from experience.  My DH was very close to his sister, but she became jealous and possessive once he married me.  She couldn't accept that she would have to share him.  She deliberately tried to exclude me, his wife, and tried to monopolize her brother's time.  My husband began to feel that she couldn't possibly love him if she was insisting on "faaaamily time" alone without his wife.  It became obvious to him that his sister was more interested in control than love.  He cut off a relationship with her because he felt she didn't truly want his happiness, but was only concerned with herself and her concept of "faaamily".  If you truly love your brother, then you will accept that your relationship with him has now changed.  You will also accept his wife wholeheartedly as a new member into the family.  You will also accept and encourage his new family, and his right to develop it without outside interference.  Your angry, defensive post to a valid opinion shows that there's a possibility you're angry at your loss of control over your brother.  If you really love him as "family" as you contend, then you will want his happiness unconditionally, even if that means putting aside your own selfish desires.  Remember, "faaamily" is an ever-changing, evolving state.  Either get on the merry-go-round with open arms, or lose your brother forever.
3/3
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
To the poster again:  I think that the respondent who offended you might have been responding to another respondent, more so than to you (the respondent who was urging you to insist on hanging onto your relationship with your brother at all costs).  You were talking about your relationship with your SIL, rather than your brother, I think.  But you didn't deserve a harsh response.  I hope you didn't get too discouraged by that.  There is something that occurs to me.  YOUR attitude about your children's aunt will greatly affect their attitude.  If you are offended by her behavior (and you tell them about it), they'll pick it up from you and be offended too.  If you are respectful of their aunt, and don't give them an inkling of the disagreements you have with her ways, they'll pick THAT up from you, too.  They WILL resent her not being more social and involved if you let them know how YOU feel about it.  I guess it depends on what you want.  Based on what I gather of you from your posts, you seem to want them to feel good about her.
3/3
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
Something else occurs to me about this.  Another respondent, answering another post, brought up the good point that different people are brought up differently and value different things.  It might be a culture clash (back to the poster's original problem) more than anything else.  Some families grow up celebrating events and milestones a lot more than other families do.  Also, some people are used to a lot more privacy than others are.  I can use myself as an example.  We grew up with a lot of privacy.  We rarely, if ever, had any relatives over for ANY holidays (definitely not for any milestone events or birthdays).  We just had the immediate family, period.  Now, as an adult, I am comfortable with that, and I prefer it.  I honestly don't LIKE people to make a fuss over my events.  My ideal birthday celebration includes just me, my husband, and maybe my mother.  My in-laws think there HAS to be a party, and they come over with presents.  I know, some of the rest of you would probably appreciate having that "problem"!!  I wish I could trade with you.  I'm perfectly happy with no presents!  My SIL, on the other hand, grew up the normal American way (I guess?) and wants me to regularly make the trip to the state they live in for holidays and birthdays.  I think she has been very offended when I didn't do it, and she also thinks that her children will be offended that their aunt wasn't always "there" for them.  I don't know what the solution is.  It's just that we are so different.  I would NEVER be hurt at anyone missing my birthday parties.  I never expected or wanted parties as a child.  But I realize that my nephews might share their mother's feeling someday, just like the poster described.  It's tough.  I don't know what the answer is, or what a good compromise would be.  It seems like for one of us to be happy, the other one has to be miserable.
3/3
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I genuinely wonder this:  When a couple decides to have children, do they really have the right to decide what other relatives' responsibilities are in regard to the children?  I was brought up (this is nothing against the poster, by the way) to believe that a couple's children are that couple's own responsibility.  The fact that they decided to have children doesn't put any kind of responsibility on the other relatives (aunts and uncles, for example).  THEY weren't in on the decision (pushing the couple to have children).  So, I wonder if it's really fair of a couple to expect their children's aunts and uncles to take a whole lot of responsibility in regard to the children.  I think the degree of responsibility they take is up to them.  They might be really close to their nieces and nephews, and take on extra responsibility in regard to them.  But I don't think they have to for it to be a pleasant relationship.  In my family, I have TONS of aunts and uncles.  It's generally always been a nice thing.  They've always been really sweet to us.  We barely know some of them.  But when we've seen them, they've been nice.  Some have gone farther and invited us to spend weeks at their houses, etc.  I guess you can guess from this that I have a problem with a SIL who always seems angry at me for not jumping in and enmeshing myself in the lives of her children.  I adore her children.  But, because I have so many problems of my own, I've sadly decided not to have children myself (I don't think I'd be a fit parent, and it's been a very painful thing to deal with and accept).  Yet, my SIL has decided she can impose on me what she thinks my responsibility is in regard to her children.  These are children she decided to have.  I know she's been angry with me for not being the kind of hands-on aunt she feels I should be.  I wish my SIL could read this post.  I think she'd have a lot of sympathy for the poster.  Does anyone have any ideas about how those of us who struggle with this issue on both sides could work things out?  It's hard to see any resolution to it.  I guess we can just hope for the best.
3/3
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
I've just been listening to an EXCELLENT tape called, "How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty".  Maybe everyone who has problems on either side of this whole issue would enjoy this tape.  Sometimes I wonder (and I may be wrong) if people who are angry at other people for not "being there" for them, and doing what they want, are ALSO being stressed out by a lot of people putting demands on THEM.  Maybe they, also, feel like they can't say no and reclaim their lives and be true to themselves, and be honest in their actions.
I may be wrong.
I think that the more true we are to ourselves, and the happier we are with our own lives, the more likely we are to let other people be true to THEMSELVES, without trying to always get them to do things that will please us.
What do the rest of you think about this?  I may be wrong, like I said.
3/4
RESPONSE:  Add Outsider, Then Stir To Dilute
My own SIL is forever complaining that various members of her family (in-laws AND immediate family) don't want to spend time with her, aren't "there" for her, and don't come to her kids' milestone events. (I think she makes no secret of this to the kids, so her attitude rubs off on them.)  I used to wonder why I was so afraid of her, and dreaded seeing her (I would have rather had multiple root canals than visit with her for 15 minutes!) -- I thought I was crazy!  But, I think people usually have their feelings of distrust or dread for a reason.  It took me years to see this clearly, but she's an incredibly disloyal person.  She's one of those "perfect" people, a supermom, who makes Martha Stewart-type meals, and looks like a model, and has a great personality, and makes a good impression (the perfect corporate wife, who charms everyone), but is always critical and picky about her mother and sister and my mother (and, I'm sure, me -- because that's just how she is).  She is ALWAYS complaining about how they don't come to visit her, or how, when she's visiting them, their houses just aren't clean enough, or decorated in a way she approves of.  This is nothing against the poster -- you are probably NOTHING like this -- your SIL might just be shy, or feel bad about herself -- you might be the loveliest, kindest, most accepting person in the world.  It's hard for me to understand my own SIL -- if I felt as annoyed by my relatives as she seems to be, I'd be GLAD they didn't visit me -- I sure wouldn't be constantly complaining about it.  (She also complains if, when she goes uninvited to visit them, they don't just drop everything and entertain her -- she's offended if her mother and stepfather just keep going about their lives.)  She seems like such a DEMANDING person -- she can't just live and let live.  She wants my DH and me to come and visit her, but I'd rather have surgery on my hands and feet with no anesthesia!!  (I'm not sure I'm kidding about that, either.)  I used to force myself to go and visit her and my DB from time to time, and it was all I could do not to just sit there with tears running down my face.  I felt SO unable to be myself around her.  She wonders why my DH and I didn't want to go and visit her alone, without my parents (I guess WE were adding outsiders -- well, my parents -- to take her critical attention of us -- stirring to dilute her focus, I guess!) -- but, although I'm sure she cares about us -- even loves us -- she doesn't see how her critical attitude hurts others and drives them away. It's hard for me to think of anyone in the world more painful to be around than my SIL.
3/5
My mother-in-law often complains about the few women whom she calls her friends.  One of them has an abusive husband.  But my wacky MIL (who calls this person her best friend) tells me, hatefully, that, although her friend is always complaining about her abusive husband, "It's all HER!"  She also makes fun of the ONE other friend she has.  She calls her "Hyacinth" (have you ever seen that British comedy, Hyacinth? -- that real fussy, image-conscious woman?).  I really dislike my MIL for talking about her ONLY friends this way.  I've listened to it, even though it makes me sick.  I've felt like it would hurt my MIL's feelings terribly if I contradicted her in any way, but I don't ever AGREE.  My question is, what would you do?  Would you just politely let it go in one ear and out the other, or would you stick up for the absent friends?  I certainly don't think her BEST friend deserves the disrespect my MIL gives her.  I hope that she has other friends who really support her.  This is just one of the many reasons why my MIL hasn't exactly ingratiated herself into my heart.
3/3
        signed - Sorry For My MIL's Friends

RESPONSE:  Sorry For My MIL's Friends
If I were you, I would just look at her in a puzzled way, and ask, in a neutral, nonjudgmental manner, why she's friends with these women if she thinks that they're such idiots.  It might just stop her in her tracks.  If, however, she goes on to say, "Well, she's a sweetheart, but --", cut her next nasty story off and ask what makes her friend such a nice person.  At that point, she'll have to acknowledge the friend's good qualities, or drop the subject altogether.  My guess is, she'll do the latter.  She sounds like a person who's desperate for attention, and wants to tell mean-spirited, "witty" gems about her friends in the guise of entertainment.  Frankly, she strikes me as incredibly lucky to have any friends whatsoever.
3/4
Note:   This story moved here from 2/17/01 archives due to recent receipt of a response.

My MIL looks like a very nice person.  We had a wonderful relationship until my daughter was born 8 months ago.  The problem is that my MIL is very inexperienced (my husband was raised by his grandparents, mainly) and she does not want to listen to anything I suggest.  I took a year off from my work to take care of my baby, but she has no respect for me whatsoever.  My parents help me raise this baby.  My mother has put in a lot of time, day and night, while my MIL has been working full time.  It is OK.  However, I feel that if you want to give advice, you need to spend time with the baby, read some literature, go to DR's visits, etc.  My MIL gets very jealous when the baby is in my parent's house.  She always demands that we bring the baby to her house or to her relative's house - all the time.  I feel that if you really love the baby, you have to put her needs first.  She seems to be in competition with my mother, and it really bothers me.  However, my mother has devoted her life to this baby, while my MIL still wants to have a life of her own.  So, what is her problem then?  She hurts me a lot by constantly giving me advice that is totally irrelevant, and saying things like, "So, she has not gained much weight, huh?"  I am very hurt and upset.  I am very afraid to leave the baby in her house by herself.  I don't feel like she can take care of her well enough.  She has no clue about basic things, and her kitchen is completely unsanitary.  The worst thing is that she refuses to learn.  What to do?
2/7
        signed - Am I An Overly Protective Mother?

RESPONSE:  Am I An Overly Protective Mother?
No, you are not.  Mothers have this built in thing called "Mother's instinct".  When we do not feel right about someone or something when it comes to our children, we must go with it.  Yes, we may seem to be overreacting sometimes, but what if we aren't and something was to go wrong?  We just can't take that chance.
2/8
RESPONSE:  Am I An Overly Protective Mother?
No, you're not being overly protective.  You have valid concerns.  Ignoring them would be horribly wrong.  It sounds to me like your MIL is looking for a second chance, since she didn't raise her own son.  The next time she comes up with a comment like the one about your daughter not gaining weight, have an answer ready like, "Well, the doctor said she's right on schedule last week."  Arm yourself with knowledge, and don't be afraid to use it.  Comments like that are best delivered with a sweet smile so that your MIL can't possibly take offense.  What does your husband say about all this?  Have you discussed it with him?  When your MIL calls up to DEMAND that you bring your daughter over to her house (or one of her relative's), be firm, be polite, thank her for the invitation, but tell her that you have other plans.  (It's NONE of her business what those other plans are!)  Repeat until she shows more respect when she calls and actually makes an invitation, not a demand.  Good luck, and let us know how things work out!
2/9
RESPONSE:  Am I An Overly Protective Mother?
Well, I am the father, and my mom is not too happy, because my daughter is in her parent's house all the time.  She had never gone to anybody's house because they would make sure their granddaughter loved them more than she loved my mom, which they did.  So my mom kept asking me to bring my daughter to her house, which I couldn't do, because I was always working, and I work the 2nd and 3rd shifts. But my wife doesn't work, and I felt that she should go to my mom's house because I live in my wife's parent's house. My mom doesn't want to come over their house to see them.  My in-laws took control of my wife and my daughter (ONE YEAR OLD).  It makes me so mad, because I am the father, and yet they both look up to them, not me.  I got fed up, and I left to live in my own place, and my wife didn't want to go with me because they told her that she didn't have to go with me.  So, I said good-bye, and I left, and it hurt me to be leaving my daughter behind.  So, finally, one month later, my wife came to my house.  So now we are together without the in-laws.
3/1
RESPONSE:  Am I An Overly Protective Mother?
This is in response to the last posting from the husband, but it is meant for both of you.  I am sorry that you have had such pain in your life.  It can not be undone now, but perhaps for the future, for the sake of your daughter, and yourselves, you should try to listen less to others, no matter how close they may be to you, and be more intimate with each other.  Don't you think so?  Wish you all the luck!  May you live in love for the rest of your lives!
3/4
My MIL is the cheapest woman in the world.  It goes way beyond being frugal.  For example, my husband's father used to own a meat packing plant, and they made dog food.  She said she used to go get the meat and feed it to her family for dinner.  She is very proud that her kids used to eat dog food.  She nags me all the time for buying my clothes for my kids.  She says that each of her kids only had a t-shirt and a diaper until they started school.  Then, they got a pair of shoes.  She thinks we are extravagant for buying disposable diapers and diaper wipes.  She says we can use wash cloths; but who wants to wash their face with a wash cloth that someone sh*t on?  She told us she still does that to save on toilet paper.  I will never wash my face at her house again.  I would understand her behavior if she was on a fixed income, but she has a lot of money.  She is always trying to tell me how bad she had it when she was my age.  She told me that she had a one room, center block house with a bathroom in the room and no heat.  My husband told me to ask her why she didn't sleep in her luxury car or her private plane if she was so uncomfortable.  She says that we waste money because we have touch tone phones instead of dial phones.  I get so tired of hearing about how I waste money (my husband's money, according to her).  What can I do?
3/3
        signed - Feeding Her Children Dog Food

RESPONSE:  Feeding Her Children Dog Food
I heard a financial guru once, who had a lot to say about how a person's upbringing continues to affect their attitudes about money.  Your MIL sounds like a classic case.  But it's too bad she imposes her feelings on YOU -- that's the really intolerable part.  Just understanding why she does it doesn't make it easy to take, I know.
3/4
RESPONSE:  Feeding Her Children Dog Food
Laugh about it!  Tell it to your friends, with examples of the affluence that lady had at that time.  She should have been using jewel encrusted wash cloths, or multivitamin enriched exotic dog food, brought from far far away.  Or, perhaps she was saving all that money to buy a Gulf country?  I expect there will be spite in the jokes for a while, and some self pity and complaint.  But, later you may be able to feel genuinely amused at this failing of your acquired mother, and not let it affect your life, because seriously, who can ever take such advice as she doles out seriously?  So, do your own thing, and save as much as you ought, but don't worry about misers!  And there is nothing you may do or say that is going to change them, either!
3/4
To make a long story short, I really, really dislike my MIL and SIL!!
3/3
        signed - Determined Not To Hate

RESPONSE:  Determined Not To Hate
That IS making a long story short.  But you have my sympathy.  Nobody upsets me as much as MY MIL and SIL.  And they're not even related to each other!  My husband is an only child, and my SIL is married to my brother.  But, I've found them incredibly intrusive, and stew about them a lot.
3/4
There are so many things I could tell that drive me crazy about my mother in law.  She always likes to talk about the past (meaning prior to me).  At first, I didn't think much about it.  Maybe she was just sharing memories.  But now, my husband and I have been married for 8 yrs.  As far as we are concerned, I am his past, present, and future.  She refers to our home as his home.  When she tells stories, she excludes me as if I weren't there.  If the story is about something I did, she replaces me with my husband or some other person as the main character.

She is always pushing for my husband to be bonded with my SIL.  She and my SIL try to push me out and put my SIL in.  If my husband and I are planning something, they will try to change it so that it's my SIL who is going with my husband, instead of me.  My husband always puts a stop to it.  My husband really doesn't know his sister that well.  He is 7 years older than she is.

They always tell me that I am too skinny, and talk about my chest being big.  I'm not built like them.  They are round.  They make me so paranoid about the way that I look.  They are nice and sneaky about trying to get what they want.  My husband has talked to them.  It only helped for about a week.

My husband has asked me to get therapy because of them.  Why should I have to seek therapy?  They are the ones with the problem.  He says he's afraid it's going to kill me.  I really think he's afraid that I'm going to kill myself.  I don't sleep a lot, and when I do, I cry myself to sleep.  My husband said that we should just stay away from them, but I don't want to be the reason that a family splits.  He doesn't talk to them anyway, but I do because I keep hoping.  They can be so nice, but I think it's to get what they want.

My SIL said that I stole her brother.  She actually cries that she is left out when my husband buys me gifts.  He gets me a lot of gifts.  He said that he isn't getting her anything because she's a brat and doesn't deserve it, and they need to respect me.  So, his mother will buy the SIL things and say that they are from him.  The MIL also lies and tells the SIL all these wonderful things that my husband said about her.  When it is brought up, my husband tells her that he never said those things.  My MIL said not to upset the SIL.  What about me??  No one cares if I am upset!!  I don't see what is wrong with the truth.  I like the truth.  It is always so much easier.  I think we would all get along a lot better without the lies.  My husband says that she always lied, and she sees nothing wrong with it, because she is telling the lies to make her daughter feel better.  My MIL lies to the SIL about what everyone says.  One day reality will hit the SIL, and then it will really hurt.  There are so many instances that I could write about, but someone might figure out who I am if I do.

I now put up a major front.  I am happy, bouncy, and always smiling.  Everyone thinks I have it made.  They actually ask me for advice.  But, the truth is that his family makes me miserable.  I don't know what to do.  I have always found good in everyone.  My DH says they are just jealous of me because I am pretty, smart, fun, and everyone likes me.  I think they are jealous because I have my husband.  I don't even know if all this makes sense.  It's hard to sum up 8 years of happiness (my husband) and 8 Yrs of misery (them).  BTW, the SIL is 21.  I wish she'd act it.  I hand picked gifts for them.  They showed everyone what my DH had gotten them.  It always happens this way.  It doesn't matter that he told them he had nothing to do with the gifts.  Oh yeah, if I have a special day, they manage to make it all about them.  I think they do it because my husband is "all about me".  I would think that if they loved him, they would be happy for him, instead of trying to destroy it.

They use me too.  They moved to a new place and didn't know anyone, so they asked me to take SIL out and introduce her to people.  I wasn't from there either, but I meet people easily.  So, I met a lot of people and introduced her to them.  I felt sorry for her.  Then I went back home.  I lived in a different country than they do.  I live 4 hrs away from them now.  When they need the computer fixed, I'm there doing it.  I just naturally help people.  My husband says I should stop helping.  I'm starting to agree.  They are selfish people.  I just want them to respect my marriage and realize I am here to stay.  I don't think that is too much to ask for.  When SIL gets a new boyfriend, that's all we hear about.  They say so many good things about her boyfriends until they are gone, of course.  Why can't they say good things about me??

They actually try to exclude me from pictures at my own events.  They say that they are sorry that I wasn't at an angle to get into the picture.  Or they say that they just got the back of my head.  Then being nice too is what really confuses me.  I am used to honest, non selfish people.  I can't win.  I'm miserable with him (because of them).  I'd be even more miserable without him.  I'm not naturally a miserable person, so this doesn't work out well.  PLEASE HELP.  Thanks for letting me vent J
 2/20
        signed - What About Me??

RESPONSE:  What About Me??
STOP SEEING THEM.  You are lucky that your husband can see what is wrong with them.  Accept that the happier you try to act, the more they want to bring you down.  Yes, this is weird and wrong, but lots of weird, wrong stuff goes on in the world.  Try to disengage yourself when you are at family events.  I like to make plans to do something fun afterward (like see a movie, buy myself something, go on a long walk with my husband and dogs).  Do whatever makes you happy so you have something to look forward to and can resist being brought down by the negativity.  Also, it helps you get out of there quicker.  Get caller ID so you don't have to answer the phone when they call.  Let your husband do all the talking, he is the one who is related.  The most important thing is to seek happiness in other things so that you don't get brought down by them.  Don't try to show off to them how happy you are, just be happy and try to ignore them.
 2/21
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
On the one hand, I can see how you desire to have a relationship with you DH's family.  However, if they're making you feel that miserable, and your DH is suggesting you both keep your distance, maybe you should do that.  Of all the stories that I have read on this board, yours is unique in that your husband totally and completely supports you, and is the one suggesting separation, without you having to hit him on the head.  That is just awesome!  I think you should take his advice, since his family is making you miserable.  As many of the posters have said on this board, you married your husband, not his family.  If you are around them, just try to keep in mind what kind of people they are, and how wonderful your husband is to you.  Maybe that would help in letting the things they say and the way they act roll off your back.  A few times you mentioned that being honest is so much easier.  I'm like you in that I'm sometimes too honest.  Not in a bad way, mind you, but when I see people that aren't, I get really frustrated.  I have to try not to let it bother me, which isn't always easy, I know.  If I can succeed at that, I feel much better.  Anyway, I don't know that this posting will help you in any way, but I hope things will get better.  Go give your husband a big kiss for being the dear heart he is, you lucky girl! J
2/21
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
Woman, why are you doing this to yourself?  Listen to your DH and ignore them!  They aren't going to change.
2/21
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
What a mess.  It sounds like your husband is a great guy, despite the family he grew up with.  If you want my advice, tell your husband that you've thought it over and would like to see a family therapist.  If you're not sleeping and you cry yourself to sleep when you DO sleep, you need to talk to somebody.  If you AND YOUR HUSBAND go see a family therapist, I believe you'll get the kind of help that you need.  Your husband may learn a few tips on dealing with his mother and sister.  Stop going over and helping them.  Stop letting them use you, ESPECIALLY as they show no respect for you and your feelings.  Don't visit, don't call, don't write.  If you husband wants to visit them, don't try to stop him.  Just stay home and go out to the movies (or find something else fun to do.)  If you're having some kind of family event, don't feel obligated to invite them to your home.  If your husband has spoken to them, then they KNOW their behavior is unacceptable and you are NOT obligated to deal with it in your own home!  If you must be at a family event with them, do your best to avoid them.  There will be other people there to talk to!  Just stay busy, be polite if you must, and take care of yourself.  Best of luck to you, and let us know how things go!
2/21
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
You poor thing!  I feel so sorry for you, having such a weird bunch of in laws.  At least your DH stands up for you.  I really don't know how you put up with it.  If it was me, I'd just refuse to see them.  Why put yourself through all that?  It's really great that you've tried to get on with them, but it sounds like the stress of it is making you ill.  Don't bother with them anymore - they're not worth it.
2/21
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
I can, in so many ways, relate to your position.  I have cried so many times over things that in-laws have done to me, but you have to realize how blessed you are that you have such a supportive, caring, loving, and understanding husband.  You don't know how many of us out here wish that our husbands would be the ones offering the separation.  You need to listen to him, and to your health, and pull yourself away from them.  I think it would make the two of you much happier, and draw you two closer together.  Forget about them, and love each other!
2/25
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
Because you are an honest, kind person, you expect that from others.  Of course, not all people are honorable.  Your ILs are game-players and manipulators.  You should listen to your husband - HE'S obviously got their number!  Stay away from those destructive people.  You will never change them.  They are not kind or loving.  They are messed up - it's obvious!  Your situation is so similar to mine that I almost felt like I could have written it.  For years I tried to please my MIL and SILs.  For years they subtly abused me.  I, like you, always felt miserable around them but didn't know why.  Everything/everyone else in my life was nice except for the ILs.  Once I got rid of them, I got rid of my problem.  I no longer experience emotional angst.  YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS RELATIVES!!!  You should put that burden down and take care of your own well-being.  You also need to recognize emotional abuse for what it is.  When your ILs are nice one minute, then rude or self-centered the next, they are emotionally abusing you.  You are at the mercy of their yo-yo games.  Get off the ride!  Don't play the game!  Stop seeing them!  Let your husband deal with them.  Put your energies into more useful things.  If I hadn't been in your same exact situation, I wouldn't feel so strongly about this.  Your ILs are messed up, dishonest, game-players.  They're NOT your problem unless you let them be.  Why do you want the approval of such people anyway?  It shouldn't matter that they're your husband's relatives - if they can't be decent people, they should have no place in your life.
2/26
RESPONSE:  What About Me??
If your DH offered to stop seeing his family, I say jump on his offer now.  I wish mine would forget he had a family.  I know what it is like to feel that physical stress before, during, and after you see your IL's.  He's throwing you a lifeline.  I say grab it.
2/26
RESPONSE From Poster:  What About Me??
I am the