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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 4/8/00
<--Previous Archive
Next Archive -->
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My first story is so tacky,
it's funny. We were having a Memorial Day get-together with
the family, including my MIL. I had decided to make potato salad,
and tried a new recipe which turned out very tasty. While at
the picnic, folks were commenting on it and asking for the recipe.
Dear MIL sidled up next to me with her plate, and remarked to no one
in particular, "My, this potato salad tastes like horse manure smells
..." Is that tacky, or what? She really got pissed
when I told my SIL (quietly) what she said, and we both busted up
laughing.
The second story --- NOT funny. We had just arrived at my SIL's
house for some get-together. My MIL was working in the kitchen,
standing there with a huge knife. When everyone else had scattered,
and it was just her, myself and my 6 year old son, she looks at him
and says, "I'll cut your head off" while making a slicing motion with
the knife ... she thought this was FUNNY! I let loose on her
right there, telling her what a stupid thing that was to say and how
unfunny it was ... my MIL, Queen Jerk!
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I am just about to throw
my MIL in front of a train, but wont do it, because even though I
don't think jail will be worse, I love my kids too much. My
husband has been laid off from his job, and things are tight.
My MIL keeps telling my husband that I should go out
and get a job since he's not working. Whatever happened to saying,
"You know, son, you should look for work until something better
comes along." Instead of, "Your wife is very lazy
not to work." I have two young children who need me around.
She never had to work. Her daughter does not work. What
makes them and their children better than mine? Maybe because
I am an easy target and don't answer her back when she has her tantrums.
She always will start things with me when no one is around. (no witnesses,
and she can say I am trying to start trouble). Oh, and one last
rant, her family, father, aunt, etc. are all in their late 90's.
Does this mean when I am in my 70's I am still going to have to pretend
I like her?
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For all IL's: When
I was first married, my mil hated me, but I never paid much mind to
her. I had to force my husband to call his mother on a weekly
basis. After 5 yrs mil came for a visit. We had a son
and another on the way. When mil arrived, she told me she didn't
want what I was cooking and asked me to stop. She was going
to cook. When I said no she pretended to faint. I simply
said, "Get up. You are in my way." She threw
a fit, and I told her, if she insisted on throwing a fit, to go in
the bedroom and shut the door. I did not want my son to see
her. I also said, "If you are going to act like a 4 yr
old I'll treat you like one." When my husband came home,
needless to say, mil told him all of the story. He came to me
and asked if this was true. I said yes. He smiled, and
said, "Honey, you handled that well." She never visited
again. I still made him call.
My husband and I have now been married 22yrs. To all you sons
and daughters who don't stand by your spouses: you don't deserve
to be married, and I hope your spouses find someone who truly will
cherish them.
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During my early married
life, I lived with my husband's family which included:
a grandmother (my MIL's mother) in her 90's,
a father in his 70's,
a mother in her 60's,
and two sisters (both single) in their 30's.
My husband and I were in our 20's (I'm younger than him).
Remark: my husband is the youngest son of them and also the most beloved
one among them. He never says "no" to them, but just to me.
Under this combination, the result is "what you can imagine is what
I have experienced."
To those with the same experience and situation: "Trust yourself and
you can control your own life. - Positive thinking." : )
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My early 2-year married
life (now this is my 3rd year):
I lived with my in-law family: grandma (MIL's mother), mother, father,
2 elder & unmarried sisters for 2 years because of my husband's
promise to his parents and sisters, and also the financial problem.
From my 2-year hell-like experience, I can tell that my FIL is a very
curious guy and never trusts anyone. His feelings of distrust
just took over his mind, and he displayed a lot of impolite behavior
both verbally and in his actions. Things like: spying on what
I was doing in the house or where I went; spying through the
windows & mirrors; listening in on my telephone conversations
with others by another connected telephone set on another floor;
opening my drawers to check my diary, letters, belongings; criticizing
all of his married children-in-law's families.
Well, my MIL is a very well-trained gossipy woman w/2 different faces,
and she is a victim-pretender. She created a lot of fake stories
(gossip and jealousy) to ruin the normal relationships among daughters-in-law
& sons-in-law, even among their children (4 daughters and 2 sons)
and relatives. Her intention is to create a bad image of those
she hates, and to make herself out as a victim to gain support from
the others whenever conflicts come.
My FIL and MIL have very strong mutual support. Their attitude
towards their children-in-law's families (2 DIL and 1 SIL) is "ready-to-fight"
for wars. No matter what any of their in-law families did, they
feel there must have been bad intentions, according to their version
of the story.
During these past 2 years, they experienced a lot of conflicts amongst
themselves: between FIL and his daughters, FIL and his MIL (my MIL's
mother who was living together with them) as well as my conflicts
with them. I also heard a lot of unpleasant words. I cried
nearly every night because my husband was a mama's boy, grandma's
boy, sister's boy, and he never said "no" to his family, but only
to me. I did find a family counselor through the yellow pages,
but my husband didn't accept that our marriage needed counseling.
I then went alone. But it didn't help, because my husband didn't
attend. And the worst was, all of our quarrels being heard by
his family in the same house.
I got no support, and my family was living in a far away country,
and I dared not to tell them too much, because it just made them worry
and would create a very big conflict between two families. I
also didn't want to tell anyone else since some family conflicts were
so ugly to tell. But my husband and in-law family told all their
neighbors and friends that I was the only trouble maker. Because
I was the new member of their family, and they were already used to
all their own problems, the only "problem" was that I could
not adapt to them. I was under a huge pressure.
I was at the edge of "divorce or not" in my mind. Finally, I
found an apartment and decided to move out alone, and used the excuse
of being closer to my office (which, in fact, it was). It saved
me nearly 3 hours in traveling between home and office. My husband
didn't accompany me immediately, and I didn't ask for him because
I also need some "space" to release myself. So I let him stay
with his family, and avoided any additional conflict. Also,
after a lot of quarrels with my husband, I forced him to decide whether
to "divorce or build up a family on our own". He then knew the
importance of the problem. This was not a kiddy game, but a
matter of mutual lives.
Now, my husband and I are living together in the apartment, and we
do visit his family once a week. I do all the things a daughter-in-law
should do. Of course, I am still experiencing some of MIL and
FIL's "standard practices" on DIL (me) and some unpleasant comments
because they still believe that I stole their son and destroyed their
family bonding. But, at least, my husband and I are living very
well, without any additional conflict (but we still have some normal
couple's conflict), and can build up a mutually understanding relationship
gradually. He can feel and see where the trouble's origins are.
In fact, this 2-year unhappy experience is rooted in my mind.
I'll need some time to forget all those unhappy images and to forgive
those people. This is the only way to rebuild the relationship.
I am still trying to. It needs time because it is a group project.
But trust yourself, you can do it.
To all the beautiful Daughters-in-law and handsome Sons-in-law on
this website, have positive thinking!!! I wish you have a happy
married life.
RESPONSE: Response to Positive Thinking -
Congratulations on having enough self-esteem to take your chances,
ultimately getting yourself (and your marriage) out from under the
damaging too-close influences of your in-laws. I wish you, too,
a happy marriage in the many years ahead!
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Note: This
story is repeated from 1/15/00 (including all responses) due to recent
receipt of a response.
I have been married to my high school sweetheart for ten months now.
I love him very much, but I am considering leaving him because of
his mother. She is overbearing, manipulating, and an overall
witch. I can actually say that I hate her. She constantly
calls or comes over. Our first mistake was buying a house less
than 1/2 of a mile away from her. Each time she comes over she
has some pearl of wisdom that she thinks I can't do without.
Everything has to be her way or she gets mad. She has even tracked
us down while we were at a friend's house on more than one occasion
just to check on my husband.
My sister-in-law recently had a baby. I went over to her house
after she came home from the hospital to help her get things ready.
When my mother in law came in I was holding the baby. She turned
to me and said, "Don't you get any ideas. I don't think
that I can handle you having a baby right now"!! As if
it is her decision.
Here is an example of some of the things she has done. When
we first got married she brought over a cordless phone with caller
ID. I thanked her for the gift. She insisted that we hook
it up right then. It wasn't until a few weeks later I found
out why she was so persistent on hooking it up. I was cooking
supper and had to go to her house for some milk. As I stood
there waiting on her to pour it for me, I heard my husband's voice
coming in over their scanner. She had been listening to our
phone conversations through that nice little cordless phone she had
bought us.
I am constantly defending myself, with no help from my husband.
I have never been one to be ran over and I am not about to let her
put me down on a daily basis. If anyone has any advice I would
really appreciate it. The only thing that I can think of is
leaving, although I love him more than anything. I can't live like
this anymore.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Cordless
Phone Caper" in your response.
RESPONSE: To Cordless Phone Caper, First order of business
MOVE. You need to be farther away from MIL, preferably in another
city. I have had much better luck with my husband when I am
not putting down his mother. But, he once found me crying over
one of her pranks, and then he did step in. Apparently, it was
not okay with him for her to hurt my feelings. So, tell your
husband how this hurts you, without sounding like you are attacking
her. BUT, once again, I must tell you that the only thing that
has worked for us was some distance (geographical). Good
luck.
RESPONSE: Cordless Phone Caper Response
First, you need to tell your husband how you feel about his mother,
and he needs to support you! He should be able to talk with
his mother to make her understand that what she says or does upsets
you. Or, it would be good for you to tell her you appreciate
her help, but talk over what troubles you with her behavior.
It's best to confront an issue when it happens, or else the feelings
will just fester and build up. Please don't end your marriage.
The best things in life (your husband) is worth fighting for.
Hang in there with your MIL. I know she does and says things
that are insensitive. We previously had difficulties with my
MIL, and my husband stood up for our marriage. All the hard
times just made our marriage stronger, because we worked through it
together. Now, over 3 yrs. later, we get along with my in-laws,
and probably have a better relationship now than we could have ever
had previously. It will work out for you if you and your husband
work through it together. Don't give up hope!
RESPONSE: to the gal with the cordless phone, you could
use my favorite way of getting out of using it without being one bit
rude. What you say is that the batteries always go dead.
And, if that doesn't work, there are a few others. Just tell
her that either you don't get a good reception all the time on it,
or that if the power goes out you would feel more comfortable having
a phone that works - because once power is out the phone is dead on
cordless ones. Or, the one I use most, tell her to get lost
and mind her own affairs. You should ask her if she really wants
her son to be happy. If the answer is yes, tell her that her
interfering is causing a huge problem, and that you are on the verge
of leaving him if it continues. Once the blame for a true love
break up is at her feet she will back off.
RESPONSE: Re: Cordless Phone Caper: I suggest good
ol' southern charm...even if you're not from the south. When
she makes a rude comment to you, smile your biggest, warmest smile,
and in your sweetest tone say, "Why on earth would you say a
thing like that?" Maybe even follow with a little chuckle.
Then, end it right there. She won't know what to say or do.
When she eavesdrops try, "I can't imagine why you would be interested
in our conversations." Again with the smiling charming
thing. If this doesn't end her behavior, at least you'll be
smiling and you'll know you are most definitely the better woman (everyone
else will too, including your husband). Good Luck!
RESPONSE: Speak to an attorney in your state. Some
states may have laws regarding your MIL's actions. After talking
to a lawyer, see where you stand, and threaten to do something about
it if your husband won't. I took the same abuse from my MIL
with no help from my husband, until one day she let it all out!
He works away from home every other week. I had to cry and worry
the whole week. I had told him on the phone, and when he got
home he went down there and told her a thing or two. This was
two years ago. She and I have not spoken since. I have
not been happier. Once I knew for sure how she felt about me
I could care less. My philosophy is, "Unless you ?help?
me and pay my bills, I don't care what your opinion is!"
I have my children and husband to worry about. He knew how his
mother was, because he waited 6 months to introduce us. His
brother introduced his pregnant bride-to-be a week before they married!
So, what I am saying is, stand up and show her who you are!
RESPONSE: cordless caper -
I have been in your situation, and your husband is actually the one
in the middle. You have two options put her in her place:
tell her you cannot replace her, nor are you trying, but you are what
makes him happy, and to back off. You never want to make the
husband choose, but if you're truly in love he will stand by you in
the end, either by standing up to his mother or by making sure you
are distanced and protected from her. Or second, you can run
away leaving both you and hubby heartbroken. Your choice ...
Just remember, it's a hard choice for him also. After all, it
is his mother.
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This is just a test.
Sorry, a friend of mine is worried you guys will track her and her
mil will find the mail.
RESPONSE: (from www.motherinlawstories.com)
We would like to take this submission as an opportunity to restate
our policy. Your anonymity is always a priority for us.
Although we could never guarantee anonymity (since each story has
its own facts and circumstances) we always try to do our best.
As we state on our home page, "Your stories
will remain anonymous ..." (sender's name
will not be used). We do not track down the identity of any
submitter. We do not require you to provide an e-mail ID when
submitting a story. If an e-mail ID is provided, we do not sell
it or divulge it to any third party, and will not contact you unless
we are specifically requested to or are given permission to do so
by you. We encourage you to consider the information divulged
in a story, getting specific with identifiable details only when absolutely
necessary to the story line. We review every story submitted
for its suitability for this site. During this review, we will
make minor updates (while preserving the nature of the story) in order
to try to protect anonymity. This would include edits such as
removing names, embellishing locations and other specific identifying
information.
Note: While we continue to monitor the Message Board, what is
submitted there is immediately available for viewing. We do
not edit the contents of a message board entry unless the contents
are not suitable for this site. There are no efforts by us on
the Message Board to preserve anonymity.
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Oh boy! I've posted
here quite a few times about my wacko MIL, and now I have heard something
that honestly frightens me. I must preface by saying that I
do like MIL. Generally she's nice, we get along, she's helpful
to us the very few times that we ask for a favor (example: she happily
loaned us her car when we didn't have one because my husband needed
to go to the hospital for surgery, and she let me keep the car for
a couple days after he came home in case of an emergency). But,
sometimes she gets a bug in her butt about something, and it gets
to be a living hell.
Well, her daughter (my husband's sister, obviously) moved to the Southwest
last summer. She's over 18 and she is going to go to school
out there, but recently she's been discovering that this is more financially
difficult than she thought it would be. I should also add that
my MIL is the type who wants her kids to live with her forever, never
"leave the nest", never grow up, etc. MIL told my husband that
she thought the sister would come back home before the end of the
year. But, he told me that she sounded almost happy that her
daughter was having problems. MIL wants her to move back and
live with her again, so now she's wishing that that SIL has so many
money problems that she has no choice but to come home. My husband
and I are both shocked by this, but I am actually frightened by it.
I can't believe that any mother would actually HOPE for her child
to fail, just to satisfy her own wishes. She has said to me
more than once, "My kids know that they can always come back home"
and I feel like she's trying to warn me or something. Like my
husband knows he can go back, so I just better watch out. By
the way, he has told me repeatedly that, no matter what happens, he
wouldn't go back there.
She just seems to have a ton of trouble letting go of these kids.
My husband's brother is in the Army - has been for two years already
-- but he of course is still treated like a "wittle bitty boy",
never mind the fact that he's been trained to kill people.
She just tries to keep herself TOO involved in her kids' lives, and
it's a problem for me because, whether she likes it or not, her son
has a new part of his family -- his wife, me. And, one day we
will have kids. And I'm sure by then she will still be trying to tell
him what to do. He doesn't actually pay attention to that or
respond to that behavior, but it bothers me that she thinks she can
do that to us.
RESPONSE: Re - Too Involved in Kids' Lives -
Just be a friend to your BIL and SIL. Gently encourage them
to keep their independence as much as they can, and make sure you
and your hubby keep yourselves out of MIL's way as much as you can!
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My MIL is driving me crazy.
My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, but have
been together for six years. Three years ago, I gave birth to
our first child, a beautiful boy. My mother in law was embarrassed
because we were not married at the time. She even asked my husband
to remove a picture of our son from his desk, when a friend of hers
stopped by my husband's office one day. She never offered to
baby-sit. She was happy seeing her first grandchild only on
holidays. She has never been to our house. We always have
to go to her. Well, everything changed two months ago when I
gave birth to our second child, our daughter. My MIL had three
boys, but always wanted a girl. I think she thinks my daughter
is hers! She wants her all the time, but only if I bring her
over there, of course. She even threw a party for herself, inviting
all her friends to celebrate her new granddaughter. I was at
this party, but was not included in the celebration. At this
party, all I heard was how much the baby looks like her and her family.
She won't acknowledge me at all. It just kills me, because she
did none of this for my son. And at my son's birthday party
a few weeks ago, she physically grabbed my daughter out of my hands,
and sat on the other side of the room from my son and all of the festivities.
She paid no attention to my son on his third birthday. The clincher
is that my husband won't say a word to his mother about any of this.
He says that my relationship with her has nothing to do with him,
and that I should just "handle it". I'm just afraid that my
way of handling it is that I'm going to EXPLODE on her one day, making
the future difficult for us all. I think she is very selfish,
and she loves the power struggle we're having. Please help!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Power
Struggle" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: Power Struggle,
I was in the same situation when my son was born. My husband
was an only child, and his mother had no in laws to speak of so everything
was centered around her and what she wanted. And this was how
my husband was raised. So when I had my baby shower, she took
over the whole thing and turned it into a grandmother shower for herself.
She thought that, since this was her son's son, she had more say in
his life than I, his mother, had. But I am sorry to say that
things didn't change until I put my foot down with her, and of course
she started a war over the fact that I would not bow down to her.
But eventually (a year later) I have my husband's support and her
knowing her place. Good luck. I know it is hard.
RESPONSE: Response to Power Struggle -
Firstly, tell hubby YOUR relationship with MIL may not have much to
do with him (and I don't necessarily agree), but your SON'S relationship
with his grandmother IS his business! She is showing such OBVIOUS
favoritism towards her granddaughter over her grandson, that has GOT
to hurt the poor boy! We all have "favorites," but we don't
have to rub it in a child's face! As for you and MIL, don't
fight it. If she really enjoys the power struggle, the more
you struggle, the more enjoyment she gets. And, don't go rushing
over with your daughter, either. "Yes" MIL to death,
tell her you'll visit soon, but DON'T go unless YOU want to!
And, make SURE, to the best you are able, that son is not exposed
more than necessary to the hurt that such immature, blatant, inappropriate
favoritism is sure to bring him. Good luck!
RESPONSE: RE: Handle it
Tell your hubby that you'd be happy to "handle it".
Your decision is to cut all ties. How's that for handling it?
Then, tell him to grow up & step up to his mother. DO NOT
LET HER TREAT YOUR SON DIFFERENTLY! It is not ok, under any
circumstances, to let a little boy feel different or less worthy of
love and affection. If you let this continue, you'll have a
lot worse things to contend with down the road (lack of son's self
confidence, for one). You better approach this immediately!
This isn't cool.
RESPONSE: Power struggle:
Your husband is correct - any problem you are having with your mother-in-law
is between YOU AND HER. You are really playing a dangerous game
by trying to pull your husband into it. Why do you need his
help? If you want him to talk to her for you, I assure you that
no change will occur until you confront her yourself ... and on a
regular basis. Dragging the husband into it will only alienate
him from you. You will become the villain and he will be the
victim. Keep the faith, have some guts, and face the ol' biddy
nose to nose. Believe me, facing off with her once every few
weeks (not angrily, but in a VERY firm manner) will drive her back
into her corner.
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I've been married for
3 years and just had a baby girl 7 months ago. Since my daughter
was born, my in-laws have created problems for me and my husband,
and my family (my parents). I met my husband in another country
5 yrs ago. He then came to live w/ me and my parents in the
US. Since we were still not married, my parents were good enough
to give him a room to sleep in, food on the table each day, laundry,
and my mother even lent him her car. Anyway, I always respected
his parents and sister. We called each weekend, I wrote them
letters, sent them pictures of us, etc. My parents even had
them visit and offered them my parents' guest rooms, etc. My
parents have done so much for us. I noticed my in-laws started
changing after I announced I was pregnant. To make a long story
short, the DAY my DAUGHTER was BORN, my in-laws CALLED my parents
to tell them that they need to mind their business and stay out of
their son's and my life!!! They also went on to say that they
were never happy that their son came to America, etc. I was
devastated, and my parents were so sad. My husband, instead
of reprimanding his parents, he agreed with them with everything they
said (mind you I had all this pressure after I gave birth).
So, I had a fight with them on the phone telling them exactly how
I felt and that I couldn't believe they were so mean and unappreciative.
In turn, me and my husband have been fighting ever since. I
hate my husband for allowing his family to talk to me the way they
did. They told me that I don't deserve the "water I drink" and
that my mother is a "whore", etc. My husband never stuck up
for me and my family. So 7 months later, I don't speak to them,
he doesn't speak to my family and I refuse to let them see their granddaughter.
My husband always thought my parents were nosy and that I spent too
much time w/ my mother. We always fought about this stuff, and
I used to turn to my inlaws to reprimand and tell their son he was
wrong. They made me think they were siding w/ me for all this
time. I am thinking about getting a divorce because I hate my
husband for everything that has happened. I am a family person,
and now I can't even spend holidays all together (w/ my parents and
my husband and daughter) all because HIS PARENTS BASICALLY GOT JEALOUS
OF MY PARENTS. I believe his parents are sick (especially the
mother). They were so distraught that he was in America that
they ended up hating everyone around him. They told him that
he should divorce me. I just wish he would wake up and see who
the people are that really love him. My parents don't even want
to see him anymore either. I am under so much stress.
I am thinking about us seeing a marriage counselor. He gets
mad at me for always "starting" with him.
Just an example of how mean my inlaws are ... they recently sent him
a package of something he requested and they put in the package some
chocolates that he loves and a stuffed animal for the baby ... also
a letter to their darling son and stating give the baby a kiss for
us ...WHO AM I a WHORE THAT HE MET ON THE STREET????? That is
the kind of people they are though. My mom even tried to call
them to try to make peace "at least for the sake of our children's
marriage"... and his mother hung up on my mother and told her
to go to hell (I'm trying to use a nicer word for what she actually
said). My husband won't admit that his mother is sick and mean
(she didn't speak to her own mother-in-law for 15 years). I
have a beautiful daughter and I don't want her growing up in this
horrible environment ... me and my husband fight almost every wknd
... he thinks all this doesn't bother me, but it does.
What do you think? What can I do? Should I leave him?
We already separated back in October for a month (my baby was only
2 mos. old) and guess where he went after I kicked him out (he went
to his home country and stayed with his parents). I told him
not to come back, but he did. Oh, were his parents upset that
he came back to me! They act like these great grandparents in
front of other people and on the phone w/ their son, meanwhile, they
couldn't care less about their first granddaughter. Supposedly,
they haven't even asked their son to send a recent picture of our
daughter. And I say to him, "what kind of parents are they?"
... he says, "what's the big deal" that they haven't requested
a picture of the baby???? I give up.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "His
Parents Jealous of Mine" in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to His Parents Jealous of Mine -
You said two or three times that you "hate" your husband, and that
your parents can no longer look at him because he has sided with his
family. With that being the case, I don't see how you will ever
win your husband over to your point of view. I can understand
how shocked you must have been after your hubby accepted so much generosity
from your folks, to have him unexpectedly side with them. It
is like a betrayal. The core issue, however, is this:
do you want to give your marriage a chance to work? If so, you
and hubby must agree to put the past aside, and to begin fresh as
a TEAM - not with your folks OR his, but the two of you, as husband
and wife, and as parents of your child. It's a shame your parents
have been so devastatingly unappreciated by your in-laws and even
your husband (it must really hurt them, and that's a terrible shame),
but it sounds like your parents want what's best for you. They sound
like the kind of wonderfully unselfish, caring parents who will support
you in your efforts to make a fresh start with hubby, even if that
means a little less contact with them for a while as you and hubby
try to rebuild your trust and your relationship together. If
you've simply had it with the marriage, then it's time to move on
before it gets any uglier. Good luck!
RESPONSE: "response to his parents jealous of my parents"
You have stated several times that you hate your husband for siding
with his parents. I really don't think you hate your husband,
but rather you misunderstand him. For most of his life, his
mother was the dominant figure in his life. She loved and cared
for him 24/7. Most men are momma's boys. They will always
love their mother regardless of anything they say or do. His
parents probably feel resentment towards you and your daughter and
your family because they were not "included" in your lives.
I would suggest trying to be more independent and understanding of
your husband and his family. Deep down inside, every parent
wants their children to be a part of their lives after they leave
home!!!
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Note: This
story is repeated from last week due to recent receipt of a response.
My MIL hates all animals and nature. She often says animals
are only good if you can eat them, and if they are not edible for
humans then they should be done away with. She especially hates
our dogs, and is always telling stories about how she, "knew a woman
who had an aunt who was killed by her dog, because the dog saw her
cutting up meat and she didn't give any meat to the dog, so he killed
her." She told me that one many, many times. She
also hates trees and plants. Once we picked her up from a train
in the closest town here that had a station, and had to drive for
a few hours back to our house. She was VERY upset about the
drive, and constantly complained about the amount of trees she kept
seeing. The whole time she just went on and on and on about
how awful it was to have all these wasteful trees when the government
should knock them all down and put up many large apartment buildings
and invite poor people from all over the world to come live there.
She hates the state that we live in and never stops complaining about
how few people are here (the city we live in has over 70,000 people)
and how she is scared of all these trees. Of course, this story
is only one of hundreds I could tell about my weird and horrible MIL.
RESPONSE: Response to MIL hates animals and trees:
You realize that your MIL's obsessive and irrational fear of animals
and trees indicates something more than a complaining nature - she
is not well! My MIL, too, is phobic, leading her to make outrageous,
irrational statements that are exasperating! Remember that,
and perhaps you will be able to take her unbalanced fixations with
a grain of salt. I will try to, too!
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Note: This
story (plus all responses) is repeated from two weeks ago due to recent
receipt of a response.
My husband and I met when we were 15. We are now 30 years old,
extremely happily married for 6 years, proud parents of a 2-year old
girl and a 4-year old boy. While we dated, I always told my
then boyfriend (now husband) that I felt uneasy around his mother.
I felt she was never happy to see me, and that she displayed a certain
level of animosity towards me. To those concerns, my (now) husband
would try to reassure me that his mother was just antisocial, that
she was like that to everyone, or that she wasn't in a good mood at
the time (whichever excuse suited the occasion). I never imagined
in my wildest dreams that those days would ever seem like heaven (compared
to today).
When my husband and I decided to have our first child (we were 25),
we wanted to wait until I was 3 months pregnant before telling our
family and friends. Unfortunately for us, my BIL's 19 year old
girlfriend (who were both still in school) became "accidentally"
pregnant. When they made their announcement, before we even
had a chance to make ours, everyone tearfully embraced them and showered
them with words of comfort, acceptance, and understanding, with promises
to help them out completely (she even moved in with them!!!)
Overwhelmed by all the excitement, a couple of weeks later, my husband
decided to share our news at one of his family gatherings. While
I was in a room chatting with the SILs, he chose to tell his mother
first (as he was always attempting to "please" her).
Boy, was he in for a heartbreak! We were out of the apartment
in a flash, with my husband rushing me out the door, tears filling
his eyes ... Apparently, the old MIL told him that he shouldn't have
a child now because it would be hard for everyone, since his brother
was already expecting a child, and that he (my husband) was too young
to be doing so anyway!!! UNBELIEVABLE. All my husband
wanted was some of the same excitement, joy, and congratulations that
everyone gave to his brother and the expecting girlfriend ...
And to think, we were older, married, both working, living on our
own, pretty much set in our lives ...
My feeling is that my MIL didn't like me while her son and I dated,
because the closer we became, the less control she had over her son.
He was the oldest of 3 children. He did everything his parents
asked, unlike his younger sister and brother, who stayed out later,
and went out more than he ever did. Before we married, (after
8 years of dating), his parents had planned to purchase a home together
with their reluctant son (my husband). Unfortunately, our wedding
plans would inevitably ruin their home-buying plans, as we also wanted
to purchase our own home. With the announcement of our engagement,
my MIL was furious. Her reason, however, was that my husband
should have told her first because she had a ring that he was supposed
to give as an engagement ring! Imagine that logic ... he was
supposed to tell his mother FIRST that he was going to propose to
me before he actually did propose to me! Both my husband and
I feel that that was a straight-out lie. She never told him
of a ring before. She never wanted him to marry me. She
was just shocked and disappointed, and probably upset that she didn't
get a chance to talk him out of it first.
2 years later, after the birth of our son, we wanted to move into
a bigger home. To our surprise and dismay, my MIL and FIL proposed
that together we look for a really big house and we split the ownership,
promising it would only be for 2-3 years at the most. At the
same time, the BIL and his then wife and their son would also live
with us without contributing to the payments ... With all the promises
flying around, we went through with it blindfolded and totally unprepared
for what hell was to unfold ... Suffice it to say, my husband and
I and our 2 children finally moved out after 2 LONG years ... 2 years
during which time most of our household belongings remained packed
in their boxes because my MIL decided that, since she didn't like
our stuff, she would be the one to furnish the house, and decorate
it, and run it as she wanted (which obviously was not in everyone's
best interest, and did not work out!)
With all my disgruntles about the old MIL, one of the biggest ones
is her "constant, recurring"' battle with DEPRESSION (oh
please). Whenever she is not happy because things are not happening
the perfect way they are supposed to happen for her, the world is
to blame, and she claims she is depressed and expects everyone else
in her family to make her life better. This is her way of getting
everyone on "her side". This lady does not accept
accountability for her actions, mean attitude, cold bluntness, and
self-serving way. She doesn't accept the fact that there are
consequences and implications to her despicable attitude and behavior.
While we lived together, I was so timid and passive, she was always
criticizing the way I did everything. From the fact that I used
cookbooks ("you don't need recipes to cook"), to how I cleaned
my bedroom (the tiny room my husband and I and our 2 children called
home), to what I fed my children ("you shouldn't give them this,
you should give them that"), to how I raised my children.
The final blow, when I couldn't take anymore, when I finally put my
foot down, was when she had the BALLS to tell me that my 2 year old
boy would develop a behavioral problem because I didn't give him enough
limits!!! She was always comparing my son to her more-favored
other grandson (BILs son), and comparing me and my ways to the other
more-favored DIL.
Once she realized that I wasn't caving in to her criticisms anymore,
she became furious.
Before we moved out, she had been separating our foods in the fridge
and cupboard, separating the contents in our recycling box and garbage,
separating our laundry detergents, locking her bedroom door, separating
our dirty dishes in the sink, badmouthing me to her relatives, (etc.)
all the while without regard to my feelings. It became so unbearable.
After we had moved out, I found a plastic bag, labeled with my name,
in one of our moving boxes. In it, this MIL wrapped up gifts
that I and my mother had given her in the past! ... Now this MIL and
I don't speak to each other (which I prefer), but I find deep inside
I have a lot of (bottled, unexpressed) anger towards her that I need
to release/get rid of. Any comforting, supportive words of wisdom
to help me deal with this?
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Bottled
Anger" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: Bottled Anger -
One insight into the way your MIL treats you is your statement that,
"He (your husband) was the oldest of 3 children. He did everything
his parents asked, unlike his younger sister and brother ..."
Because they lack parenting experience, parents often have unrealistically
high expectations for their first born child (they want them to be
"perfect"). Parental expectations for second and later-born
children are more realistic, based on the experience of raising the
first born child.
Even when other children come along, the first born is the pioneer
at each developmental stage, and usually has the most parental pressure
to achieve and meet their expectations. These higher expectations
become an integral part of the parent-child relationship and carry
into adulthood. Because she still, on some level, expects your
husband to be better than his siblings, your MIL also expects your
husband to have a "better" wife than her other children, and expects
you to be a "better" mother, etc. (Not to mention the fact that ANY
wife interferes with their son's ability to meet their needs and expectations).
The point is that your MIL's expectations are unrealistic, and nothing
you do will placate her. Stop beating yourself up over it.
Just do the best you can, and judge yourself by your own standards,
not hers. Your husband may have some of the same feelings of
resentment towards his parents, and may feel the same need to placate
them - try to form an alliance, not against his parents, but against
their unrealistic demands and expectations. If you can, it will
help you to stop taking it too seriously, and you may even see the
humor in it (an inside joke with your husband).
RESPONSE: Response to Bottled Anger:
It may well be that your MIL is stricken with depression, which is
a very real and very treatable illness. Her depression is no
excuse for making inappropriate demands on her loved ones, however,
and I suggest that when she uses it as an excuse to gain attention
from you or your family, that you all should encourage her to seek
help for her depression. If she is taking anti-depressant medication
already, it may be time for a switch. On no uncertain terms,
tell her that she can't expect her family to take away any discomfort
she has associated with her depression - that is for doctors and professionals!
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Note: This
story is repeated from last week due to recent receipt of a response.
Here is another one for everyone! One time my husband and I,
along with our 2 year old son, arrived 1 hour late for a birthday
celebration for my father-in-law. We live about an hour and
a half from them. Everyone had gone ahead and eaten before we
arrived, which was understandable. We apologized for being late,
etc., and proceeded to make our plates of food. Mother-In-Law,
of course, took this as her chance to be nasty nasty as usual.
She acted like a b*tch, and in a huffy voice offered to take care
of our 2 yr. old's plate. Well, as we sat down and began eating,
she placed our son between us with his plate. I then noticed
that his meat was cut into pieces big enough to choke a horse.
So I put my plate aside and began to cut his food into smaller pieces.
My Mother-In-Law at that moment took my plate, and without a word
headed for the trash can across the room. I didn't notice her
until she was on the other side of the island looking at me, as she
scraped my whole plate of food into the trash!!! I had only
sat for maybe 5 minutes total before having to "re-cut"
the horse size chunks on our son's plate, so my plate was nearly full!
I didn't say anything because she leaves me speechless and shocked
with stunts like this!
RESPONSE: Response to MIL trashed your dinner -
Your mother in law was incredibly rude to do what she did, but she
also had a right to be angry with you over your lateness at a special
occasion, particularly for a sit-down dinner, unless you had a really,
really good excuse. She should NOT have behaved so crassly -
she should have just told you what she was feeling, and my guess was,
that she felt you and hubby had slighted her and the "birthday boy."
You had every right, however, to say, "I know you are angry that we
were late, but can we talk about it instead of doing hurtful things?"
You both need to communicate better to avoid unnecessary hurt and
angry feelings between you.
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Note: This
story is repeated from last week due to recent receipt of a response.
Well, here it goes ... found this site from a journalism article this
morning! Boy, could I use a good punching bag right now!
FYI: Did you know if you mix up the letters in MIL it spells "Woman
Hitler"! How's that for a great start! My MIL is
the ultimate superior Woman Hitler. She is controlling, manipulative,
subtly demeaning, constantly spies on me, makes notes, calls social
service agencies and "falsely" anonymously reports stories
on me, and on and on.
I thought all this started after my daughter (now 3) was born.
Just for the record, I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous
relationship ... apparently, she's NOT allowed to call MIL grandma.
Anyway, I have since found out that the trouble with MIL has NOT started
with the birth of my 3 year old ... it started the moment I met my
husband. Little did I know all the horrible gossip she was spreading
to her family about me - what a B*TCH. So how's this for a kicker?!
My daughter - call her Kay - was born with a syndrome (undiagnosed
at the time of birth). Was NOT supposed to live. My MIL
accused me of doing something during my pregnancy to make "Kay"
this way. Apparently I wasn't suffering enough - preparing for
my daughters death and all. After months and months of endless
doctors, geneticists, etc. … we discover the "real" syndrome
of "Kay" and, whoa - my husband has a less serious version
of it too … seems his MOMMY passed it on to him! Well, even
with so many doctors reports and confirmations, she still insisted
"Kay" is the way she is because I did something. (Kay, by
the way, will live a good long life, thank goodness)
Anyway, that's not my real complaint! Almost two years ago,
shortly after "Kay's" 1st birthday - MIL came to visit - she lives
a good 10 hours a way. It started the moment she came in the
door. Commenting on our new home, asking how big it was, how
much we paid, who REALLY wanted to buy it, etc. She proceeded
to tell me she had Greek food the other day and how sick it made her.
Then at supper, she ate, and after asked me if that was Greek food???
"Ohh it was soo good!" she said. (It was pork chops &
potatoes). For 2 days, she complained, "ohh my stomach,
I'm in pain, it must have been that Greek food the other day - you
know, that cook at the restaurant was Ukrainian, Ukrainians shouldn't
try to make Greek food" (I'm Ukrainian) … and I didn't make Greek
food. But it didn't stop there. Literally without exaggeration,
she checked on Kay every five minutes at bedtime. Then she'd
make all these comments about, "oh, I know this lady, she's such
a good mother, she does this and that," blah blah (always the
opposite of what I do). Yeah, she's the expert alright!
She'll say anything to contradict me. Well, the moment my husband
went to work Monday AM, she got up and had coffee with me. She
then thought it about time she tell me the REAL TRUTH about me!
She started with the fact that Kay should have not lived rather than
have me for a mom … this came out of NOWHERE! How do I defend
myself with such an incredible low blow like that?! I thought,
up until now, she was just the hyper-vigilant grandmother. She
went on to say I am a horrible mom, a terrible wife, and I'm lazy.
(I am a published author who also owns a business, raises 3 kids and
still has supper on the table by the time my husband gets home … now
that's lazy eh?!) Anyway, the point is that she told me my child
- who was supposed to die, should have! To top it off, I have
since found out that she snooped through my house, my private things,
my journals, my bedroom, my lingerie drawer, etc.
RESPONSE: Response to MIL spells Woman Hitler:
Your MIL has to be either completely heartless or seriously emotionally
disturbed to blame you for your daughter's condition, and to say she
would have been better off had she died, rather than to have you for
a mother. What does your husband say about all of this?
I am quite sure that my husband would NEVER speak to his mother again
if she said such horrible, horrible things to me! Her words
are beyond insulting - they are abusive, and not even mildly so!
She is battering your psyche; you must protect yourself - and your
child - from her damaging venom!!!!
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My MIL is the Queen of
Rationalizations!
My husband and I have put on quite a bit of weight since we married
ten years ago, and this irks her endlessly. (She is chubby and has
high cholesterol, herself. She constantly picks off random pieces
of a cake, pinches off parts of all the chocolates in any box in any
home, nibbles on the edges of a bag of cookie leaving the half-eaten
remains for everyone else, tears off little bits of crispy chicken
skin to munch on until it's gone, but claims she eats only fruit,
veggies and nuts, and can't understand why she's plump!) She
drops obnoxious, not-very-constructive comments and hints about hubby's
and my weight (as well as other aspects of our lives) pretty regularly,
but when confronted with her own vices, she gets huffy and is in total,
awe-inspiring denial! After she survived colon cancer (thank
goodness), my husband asked her to consider giving up smoking (her
father died of lung cancer), and she haughtily pointed out that colon
cancer has nothing to do with smoking, and her lungs are just fine!
When her sister was stricken with a massive stroke and was in ICU
teetering between life and death, practically her first words were
about how her sister eats too much fried food, and does not take adequate
care of her health! Her first thought in this devastating crisis
was where to point blame, and as though SHE had a right to judge!
My MIL has some very dear qualities, and on occasion, can be quite
generous, fun and enjoyable, but she can never resist yielding to
her nastier, insidious, destructive side! She idealizes her
children who, though all are very successful and accomplished in their
own right, wind up feeling they have not actualized themselves because
she has even grander dreams (not their dreams, but hers) and she refuses
to just appreciate and respect them as they are. She blames
her children-in-law for everything she perceives as a compromise or
flaw in her children's lives, and even their personalities.
She makes her children-in-law feel as though they are albatrosses
around her children's necks; one time, while she was staying at our
house, I asked my husband to open a can for me (not long after I had
carpal tunnel surgery in both hands), and she threw her son a "my
poor put-upon son" look, and asked me if she could buy me an electric
can opener!
Reasoning with my MIL is out of the question. She is not above changing
any facts or quotes to suit her immediate purpose, and seems completely
unbothered by any inconsistencies or "misrepresentations" in her words.
Should you even attempt to confront her about them, she just gets
huffy, indignant, reminds you that her health is delicate, and moves
on to another version of the story! To make things more frustrating,
she honestly seems to believe what she says, making it impossible
to ever strike anything resembling a fair balance!
My own mom is gone, and I find that I keep falling into the trap of
wanting MIL's approval, which I know she can never really give to
me. I know she loves me, in her own convoluted way, but she
can't help periodically destroying any good-will we manage to build
up between us with her intrusions, put-downs, criticism and outright
nastiness. She does this in ALL of her relationships, and I
know it's not going to change for me. It hurts, though, because
I treat her better than almost everyone in the family, including her
own sisters and children, and most of them will admit to that without
hesitation. I try to rise above her instances of poor behavior,
but the things she does and says in her worst moments (downright cruel
remarks not even mentioned in this letter) really undercut my self-esteem
and good feelings! My husband, luckily for me, supports me and
will defend me if things get out of hand, but it still upsets me when
she mistreats me.
Any suggestions on how I can make peace with this?
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Queen
of Rationalization" in your response.
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All of my inlaws seemed
very friendly and supportive when we met. There was some discomfort
about the fact that I came from a large city, been exposed to a lot
of culture, and had traveled around the world, while they were from
a small factory city and had never traveled much. They were
self conscious, and would preface remarks with, "I know you are from
the big city and this might not seem much to you ..." I
would then feel called upon to reassure them that their (boring) stories
were fascinating and that the big city was not such a great place
(it was a wonderful place). When we were married, the SIL gave
us a set of plastic storage containers that were an ugly mustard shade
and had lids that were warped and kept popping off. When I told
her that, since she was only 18, she should not have been so generous
she replied, "That's okay, they've been sitting on top of my closet
for years!". We were married in the "big" city I grew
up in, and when the family arrived we arranged their accommodations
and booked them into hotels (at my family's expense). My husband
and I planned to spend our honeymoon in the same city in a luxury
suite given to us for a week by a friend. It was a big surprise
to learn that when the MIL and FIL left the city they left the SIL
behind because she wanted to spend our honeymoon with us! It
was awful. She is very inert and we had to plan her days for
her or she would head over to my parent's house (where my mother was
recovering from putting on a large wedding and doing so much work)
where we found her once sitting on the couch waiting to be served,
etc. So we scooped her up and took her out sightseeing instead
of finally having some time to ourselves to enjoy our honeymoon.
It was very disappointing. After we were married, my MIL knew
my husband's schedule and would phone our home just after he arrived
in the door, and keep him on the phone for 30-45 minutes EVERY DAY.
It really burned me, because I felt that she got to hear about his
day before I, his new wife, did.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives